Fixing the Broken

Last night I felt like this:

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Mangled.  Broken.  Greatly in need of repair.

These were Aaron’s glasses a couple weeks ago after an incident at his day group.  Mixing all the various special needs can at times be volatile.  Even I, who have dealt with many pairs of broken glasses, was surprised at the level of damage done to this pair.  I honestly wasn’t sure that they could be fixed.

I took the rather hopeless mess that used to be glasses into our eye doctor’s office a couple days later.  I hoped that maybe, just maybe, they really weren’t beyond repair.  The kind technician couldn’t hide the look of surprise on her face, which didn’t fill me confidence that anything could be done for them.

Imagine my surprise, though, when before long she returned with this:

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WOW!!  Talk about a miracle re-do of what I thought was hopeless!  She received my profuse thanks with a smile on her face and the comment that she loved a good challenge.  I’m thankful that she did, indeed!

Being the mother and caregiver of an adult special needs “child” with behaviors can be exhausting…physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I believe that about covers it.  And while I don’t want to come across as complaining, facts are facts and truth is truth.

If there’s one thing I’ve wanted to be on this blog, it’s truthful…truthful without being unkind to Aaron in my honesty.  Talking about being truthful, Aaron is just that…at least in his mind.  He has few filters, and totally does not get social norms.  He is often unaware of other’s feelings.  He gets stuck in his own mind about certain issues and is truly stunning in his inabililty to switch gears and judge those issues with good reasoning.  His own comfort is paramount to him, most of the time, so if his comfort is interrupted or his wishes unmet, we are often met with his anger.

And I get tired.  I get angry.  I did last night, when Aaron who had been happy decided to be rude just before bed.  He and I didn’t have our normal cheerful bedtime routine.  He was still out of bed, on his computer, when I went to bed.  I didn’t even challenge him.  I have no idea when he went to sleep.

I spent time with the Lord this morning, reading about the compassion of Jesus and knowing that I needed that same compassion for Aaron.  Somehow, it’s easier to show compassion for ones I seldom or only occasionally see.  Showing that similar level of compassion for Aaron can be very hard to do over the long term, day after day.

I was very surprised this morning to hear Aaron’s floor creaking before 7:30. Most mornings I must roust him out of bed…very unhappily on both our parts, I might add.  I thought this morning he would definitely be a hibernating bear, but no, he was awake and downstairs early.

He knocked politely on the bathroom door, and when I opened it with some dread, I was so relieved to see him with bright eyes and a sweet smile.  He even received the hug I offered!  We were off to a good start!

We sat in the living room, enjoying the warm fall decorations and soft twinkling lights.  I had intended to sit there and pray, but sitting with Aaron was important, I knew.  We talked softly about some of this and some of that.  Then Aaron decided that he could take his pills, but I reminded him that it was too early.  He wondered why, and once again I explained how he really should take them about 12 hours apart.

“So, Aaron, it’s nearly 8:00 right now,” I began.

He immediately looked at his left arm, pushed up his sweater sleeve, and gazed down at his wristwatch perched halfway up his arm.  I just watched with a smile on my face, waiting for what I knew was coming.

“It’s not 8:00,” he blandly stated as he stared down at his watch.

“Well, I just meant that it’s ALMOST 8:00,” I explained.

“It’s 7:41,” he flatly continued.

Gone was the lesson on the 12-hour rule.  Gone was my caring at all at that point about the 12-hour rule!  In its place was my laughter, deep from inside…much needed laughter.

And Aaron tolerated my laughter, even though he had no idea why the time of 7:41 made Mom laugh.  Many times, Aaron gets angry when I laugh, so I don’t…until he is out of earshot.  But today Aaron let me laugh.  This was a gift.

Later, we sat at the table where Aaron ate a plate full of fried eggs with the yellow hard the way he likes them and where he talked and talked and talked…about separatist droid armies and Trandoshans and commandos and clones…and anything but heart matters.  Or the 12-hour rule.

But it was good.  Very good.

It was our normal.

And it was a gift.  A gift from the same God Who also fills our hearts…my heart…with love and compassion for our Aaron.

I know all too well that we’ll have this again:

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But I also know that we’ll have this:

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Thanks to God who fixes our broken!

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  (Psalm 147:3)

 

 

 

Cool Aaron

My phone rang the other day and even before I looked, I pretty well knew it would be Aaron making his daily call from Paradigm, his day group.  Yep, there was Aaron on the other end of the call, talking the second I said “hello.”  He was excited and laughing about Chris, one of the Paradigm staff.

“Mom!!  Me and Chris are playing a game where I can’t talk!”

Well played, Chris, well played!   I just thought this.  I didn’t say it to Aaron.

“But Aaron,” I replied, “you’re talking now.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”  Aaron bellowed.  “I guess I forgot the rules!!”

I laughed as well.  In fact, it felt very good to be laughing with Aaron.  I never know when I pick up the phone in what condition I will find Aaron.  Happy, sad, mad, crying, excited…I never am sure, so it’s with some dread that I answer his calls.

I had reason to feel dread this week because Aaron has been in a state of some anger and belligerence for awhile now.  We’re not totally sure of the why, but we are totally sure that his ups and downs are tiring to us and to his staff and friends at Paradigm.

This past Monday morning was rough at home.  I always let Aaron decide if he’ll go or not, knowing that forcing the issue is a recipe for disaster.  But Aaron also knows that if he does go to Paradigm then he gets extra treats and his meal of choice over the weekend.   He nearly always decides to go, but my reward system can also come back to bite me because the reason he goes is sometimes just for the future reward, and this stresses him to the point of bad behaviors.

Sometimes it’s just a perfect storm for a stormy day from Aaron!

Monday was that day.  Anger at home…then a calming…a fun ride to Paradigm because his music cheered him…and my last admonishment as he left the van.

“Aaron,” I said, “try to have a really good day.”

“I can’t make you any promise,” he seriously replied.

And I had to laugh at that as he walked away.  He was borrowing my often-used phrase when he tries to pin me down to doing something at a certain time, and I tell him I can’t make a promise.  How well he listens and mimics when it suits him!

And boy, it’s a good thing he didn’t make a promise to have a really good day because it was anything BUT a really good day!!  I’m very thankful for the patient staff at Paradigm!

Tuesday saw more issues at home, though not as severe as the previous day.  I was encouraged by his good day at Paradigm, but our evening at home hit bottom again.  He was not happy that Gary and I talked to our daughter on the phone before supper, in our bedroom with the door locked so that Aaron couldn’t come in and interrupt.  Aaron was very rude before supper and during supper.  Tough love ensued, ending with Aaron’s Cheddar Pasta Salad being taken away by Dad before he was through…and all his snacks being bagged up by Mom and put inside the locked van.

Well!!

Aaron finally calmed down as the evening progressed.  He turned a corner, looked at me as we watched a show, and surprisingly…and nicely…said, “Mom, I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Aaron,” I replied.  “I’m sorry, too.”

“I like you, Mom,” he quietly said.

“I like you, too, Aaron,” I affirmed.

But the snacks stayed in the van, a test of his sincerity.

The next morning, yesterday, saw him irritable again and not wanting to hurry out of bed or hurry to get himself ready.  I don’t tell him to hurry – I’ve learned better – but he knows the underlying theme.

“Don’t rush me!!” he stated.  “I have no time to hurry!!”

Oh, Aaron!  I want to both laugh and cry when he talks that way!

So, this morning, we were getting ready to go to his yearly support plan meeting.  Again, he was sleepy and frustrated, and dreading this meeting.  It helped that we meet at Carlos O’Kelly’s and get to eat out, but Aaron still does NOT like meetings.  He wonders if he can stay at Paradigm, can he stay at home, and all sorts of other concerns.  I felt bad that he was scared so I assured him that things are staying the same for now, but still he was on protective mode.

“Mom, I’m telling them that you and Dad are starving me!” he declared, threatening to tell them about the locked away snacks.

Again, I didn’t react and told him he had every right to do just that.  But at the meeting, as he chomped down salad and chicken fingers and French fries, he was happy and loud and talked away at everything except his starvation.

We’ve been very weary lately, honestly.  I don’t know if his mood swings are because of medicine side effects…because of strong low fronts moving through this week…because of seizures last week…because of who knows what??

As we signed papers today, I laughed at Aaron’s signature.  This is his very favorite way to sign his name.

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Aaron has such a very hard time playing by our rules…the societal rules that dictate how we talk to others and respect others and give and receive love.  Try as we might, we cannot get him to tell us why he’s unhappy…at least not if his emotions are coming from someplace other than the fact that his snacks are locked away or he can’t stay home on his computer all day.

Aaron can convey plenty of facts.  What he can’t convey easily are his emotions…his deep-seated reasons for his angry actions.

Gary and I know this about Aaron, but sometimes it’s hard to remember it in the heat of battle.  That’s when we need to back away…take a deep breath…lean on each other and God…and remember one more thing.

Aaron Moore is cool.

He’s cool when he tries to sneak another notebook in to Paradigm to give away, knowing he’s not allowed to do that.

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He’s cool when he leans against my legs after he’s been so angry.

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He’s cool when he’s trying to feed an ant on the table at a restaurant.

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He’s cool when he’s giving and sharing.

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He’s cool when he’s “drying the bubbles off,” as he says.

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He’s cool when he’s playing a trick.

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He’s cool when he says, “MOM!!” at the grocery store and laughs and laughs at my reaction to him holding my LEAST favorite creature!!

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And in so many other ways, our unique Aaron is very cool, even when he makes me lose mine.

Let me remember that, Lord, in the heat of the moment.

Let me remember that you crafted and created Aaron’s coolness.

Aaron Moore IS cool!

 

Of No Use?

Our neighbors across the street from us had a yard sale a couple weeks ago.  Aaron loves yard sales!  He REALLY loved the fact that there was a yard sale right across the street!  He asked if we could go over and check it out to see if there was something he could buy.  I agreed, knowing that he would end up over there anyway talking to Derek and Gina until I came to the rescue and escorted him home.

Before we left, I remembered that in my wallet was an envelope that held Aaron’s remaining Christmas gift money.  I was always forgetting it was there!  I looked inside and pulled out the cash.  Aaron had $5.00 to spend, and he was happy.

It didn’t take Aaron long to spy exactly what he wanted.  A lava lamp!!  Aaron LOVES lava lamps and has been through several over the years.  He has a glitter lava lamp in his room now, but this was a good old normal lava lamp.   Aaron knew he had found his yard sale prize!

We looked at the sticker and guess what?  It was priced at $5.00!  Could it be any more perfect?  We crossed the street with the “new to Aaron” lava lamp, carried it up to his room, placed it on his already crowded nightstand, plugged it in, and went about our day.

Aaron was waiting, though, for the level gunk in the lamp to begin bubbling.  As he went about the remainder of the day and evening, he kept glancing at his lit lava lamp.  There was no motion, however.  The gunk was still.

“Mom!” Aaron finally said.  “Do you think I bought something that is of no use?!”

I turned my head away so I could smile at his phrasing.  He’s just so funny sometimes…so precise.

“No, not at all,” I responded.  “The lamp just takes some time to heat up the goo inside.”

Gary got home and Aaron happily showed him his new lava lamp…his still not-moving lava lamp.  Supper came and went, as did evening chores and Wheel of Fortune and watching our DVD show just before bed.

As Aaron got into his bed, he sighed with exasperation as he looked at his boring lit but not bubbling lava lamp.

“I think I bought something that is of no use!” he sadly repeated as he pulled his covers up.  I was beginning to wonder myself if the lamp would work even as I told Aaron that it just needed more time.

No one was happier than me to walk in Aaron’s room the next morning, his coffee in hand, and see the lava lamp bubbling in all its globby glory!!  YAY!!!  Yay for Aaron…yay for me…and a special yay for Derek and Gina, whom I was afraid would have certainly heard all about the lava lamp that was of no use!!

Aaron was happy, happy!  And every day since then, when he returns from his day group, he plugs in the lava lamp, totally enjoying the goopy bubbles in all their various shapes and sizes!

Last night, Aaron went to bed talking about how he was going out to eat lunch the next day with a group from Paradigm – his day group.  There is nothing Aaron loves any more than eating out.  So, this morning I wasn’t too surprised to hear him stirring early.  How early?  Aaron keeps a logbook like this:

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This morning’s time was:

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He had so much to look forward to today!  He was ready to get this show on the road!  He supervised me as I poured his coffee and carried it to his room, then told me he would shower and dress.  I went back to my quiet time desk, but it wasn’t quiet for long.

Aaron was soon standing behind my chair, his shower completed and his impatience growing.

“Mom,” he ordered.  “Take your shower and put your make-up on so it will become 9:00!”

I soon realized that Aaron’s hurried mood wasn’t going to improve until he saw me making some headway concerning my shower and make-up.  But I also realized that Aaron’s eyes were very droopy, and his mood was changing even further from excitement to not feeling so well.  He told me his head hurt, his stomach hurt, and that he felt like he was having a dream.  We’ve learned that this often means a seizure is coming.  Aaron was ready to go back to bed, and sure enough I soon heard on the baby monitor the unmistakable sound of a seizure.

I never like Aaron’s seizures, of course, but I especially detest them when they keep him from doing something that he’s looking forward to so much.  No eating lunch out today for Aaron, I thought.  Bless his heart!

And my heart?  My mama heart takes a beating every time I watch Aaron going through this hard part of his life.  He handles all this much better than I do, thankfully.  But as I looked down at Aaron when I checked on him later, look what was in the background.

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The lava lamp.  Aaron’s lava lamp, that he worried was of no use, was performing perfectly there beside Aaron in his bed.

And it hit me.  How easy it would be for me to wonder about all the why’s of Aaron’s seizures and autism…to even feel like it was all sadness and of no use.  But never, never have I felt such hopeless thoughts.  Even in the changed path of Aaron’s life…changed from what we thought our firstborn son’s life would be…there is the sure hope that only God can give.

You see, knowing and following Christ gives to me and to Gary and to Aaron the same hope that God gave to Jeremiah to share with the Jewish nation centuries ago.

“I know the plans I have for you,” declared the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  (Jeremiah 29:11)

I can claim that promise for us and for Aaron today because we know that God!  We know that He has told us in Romans 8:28 that “ALL things work together for good to those that love God, who are the called according to His purpose.”

God doesn’t plan to hurt us!  He plans to work for our good in order to conform us to Christ!  We have a hope in Him and a future beyond anything we can imagine!

So you see, all the tough times and the sadness and the unanswered questions we may have do NOT mean that this life is of no use.  Absolutely not!!  This life is working perfectly, just how God intended, and in that knowledge – in God Himself – I can trust, and I can rest.

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I Did It My Way

In our Life Group the other night we were talking about the fourth chapter of James.  There James tells us that we shouldn’t say we’re going to go here or do this without acknowledging God’s will for us in these things.  James reminds his readers to say, “If the Lord wills, I will do this or do that.”  We talked about the signature song of Frank Sinatra, I Did It My Way, as being the exact opposite of the attitude that James wants for us.

But my friends, laying aside any spiritual implications, I must say that I have found Aaron’s life song!!  How many times in a day could Aaron, with his autistic way of living life, rub his hands together in glee and yell, “I DID IT MY WAY!!!”

Sometimes Aaron’s way is a funny way.  Sometimes Aaron’s way is a frustrating way.  Sometimes Aaron’s way is a very fascinating way.  But it is nearly always HIS WAY!!

One recent evening, Aaron wanted to set the table for supper.  I love having Aaron’s help.  Aaron knows my first comment will be for him to wash his hands, so here’s how it always goes:  “Mom, can I set the table?  I already just washed my hands.”

And I’m thinking, “Yeah, like two days ago?”  Aaron knows what Mom is thinking so he just turns and heads for the bathroom, returning with clean hands (I hope) and ready to set the table.  On this particular evening, when he was all done and had left the kitchen, I stood staring down at his place setting.

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What a perfect picture of Aaron doing things his way!  He must always have multiple forks and spoons, no matter what we are eating.  I was proud of the precise way that he placed his utensils and napkin on the correct side of the plate and humored by this example of how Aaron thinks deep in that amazing brain of his.  Gary and I each had been given one fork and one spoon, but Aaron set his place at the table HIS way.

Gary and I see Aaron doing life Aaron’s way every single day.  Let me show you some examples of Aaron’s way.

Look at how Aaron wears his watch way up on his arm.  He has always…and will always…wear his watch this way.

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Aaron loves this sweater and he wears it every day, even in the summer and even outside in the summer.  Plus, the slipper socks!

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When I drop Aaron off at his day group, I would always tell him to quit picking up sticks to carry inside to Piper, the resident day group dog.  One day I took my eyes off Aaron as he got out of our car to walk into the building.  When I looked up, he was limping.  I was alarmed, especially because we were getting ready to take a trip out of town.  Weird things happen before every trip…things like stitches and staples and ER visits and dental procedures, all involving Aaron.  So, I was very worried to see him limping.  I texted Barb, and soon she sent me back this picture.

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Aaron decided to be sneaky in how he carried sticks into Paradigm to give to Piper!  Now, every day, he stops to take off his shoe and place a stick inside…in full view of me and everyone else.  😊

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Aaron listens to music CDs as we drive.  He loves music, but almost always only as we drive.  And if there are multiple CDs, he will listen to them in order of the date they were produced.  “Mom,” he said one day, “I listen to them as the years have gone by.”

He also watches the credits after every movie, as intent on the screen as if it was the most exciting part of the movie he just watched.

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Watching him clip coupons is very interesting.  He cuts as precisely on the dotted line as he can, and then cuts each of those little strips into very small pieces that fill his special trash can.  The coupon papers are laid out neatly when he is done, with coupons stacked just right in the coupon box and restaurant coupons kept out separately.  If there are good coupons and I buy an extra paper, I hide it from Aaron because he will NOT let me clip coupons.  “You don’t do it right, MOM!!” he angrily says.  One day he grabbed coupons out of my hand and wadded them up into a ball because he was so angry to think of me cutting them.  This is how important it is to Aaron to do these things his way.

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Aaron loves to find items at his day group…even if he must open a drawer to do so…and bringing them home.  How many times I’ve made him return many of those pilfered pens and sticky notes and clips and much more!  One day he got in the van, reached into the bag he was carrying, and showed me the boy’s bathroom sign.  “AARON!!” I exclaimed.  “You took the boy’s bathroom sign?!!”  But he assured me that Chris let him take it because they put up a new one, and Chris came to the car to confirm to me that this was true, and now Aaron’s bathroom at home has the prized sign on the door!

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Aaron crunches mulch outside into a bucket.  This is his special way of relaxing.

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What’s funny is to watch him at a restaurant that serves peanuts.  Here he is yesterday as we ate lunch after his doctor visit, crunching peanut shells just like he does the mulch.

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I could go on and on with these examples.  You see why I say that I Did It My Way is a very appropriate way to describe Aaron.  But I like even better to say that Aaron is really doing his life God’s way.  After all, God has fearfully and wonderfully made Aaron just the way he is.

So, yes, Aaron is doing things his way but it’s because God made Aaron HIS way!!

 

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The Chicken Whisperer

God did the sweetest thing last week and I wanted to share it with all of you.  Some of you read my last blog about how Aaron and I went from a very happy almost three days, to having Aaron crash and taking me with him.  We went from happy to sad faster than it takes for me to run from a spider…and those of you who know me know that’s FAST!

On Saturday evening, while Aaron and I were happily watching a movie, I got a message from my friend, Summer.  She asked if Aaron and I would like to come down to her family’s home in the country to see their chickens.  A couple of the hens recently had baby chicks so Summer thought Aaron might like to see them.  I eagerly said yes!  That sounded like so much fun.  The invitation just added to my happy and I was…well…VERY happy!

Our future chicken visit was a bright spot after Aaron’s happy disappeared on Sunday night.  I looked forward to it so much…to having something fun to do with Aaron that was out of our norm.

Wednesday, chicken day, finally came.  Aaron slept later than anticipated, but at last he and I made it to Summer’s house.  How pretty the day was, and how pretty their home was as we pulled into the driveway!  I immediately noticed the windmill and thought it was a perfect Kansas scene.

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Aaron was a little nervous because he had forgotten meeting Summer, and he had not met her sons, and he wasn’t too sure about meeting the chickens – fun as it sounded.  But Summer came right out to meet us, as did Austin and Tyler, and they all put Aaron right at ease.  Right away we were standing at their pond, where they tossed out some fish food and up from the water appeared lots of catfish.

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Aaron thought that this very cool!  And what fun it was when he got to throw some food out in the water as well!

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We walked behind the house then, and there were the chickens…and a goose, Paco.  As we approached the gate, one of the chickens hopped up right beside Aaron.  Aaron petted her, and Summer told Aaron that he was a Chicken Whisperer.  😊

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Inside the enclosure, Aaron got to throw some chicken feed on the ground and soon we were surrounded by chickens.

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Aaron got to hold a chicken, managing to still hang onto his prized goose feather he had found at the same time.

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Then we saw the cute baby chicks under low hanging evergreen trees.  Surprisingly, the mama chickens were very tolerant of us being so close to their babies.

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Summer was telling us that no one had been able to hold a baby chick yet because of their protective mamas.  Just then we turned around and saw this:

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“How did you do that, Aaron?” Summer asked.

We laughed, and I wondered if maybe there WAS something to this Chicken Whisperer after all.

Aaron sat in a chair and Summer gently talked to him about how to carefully handle the wee one.

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Then one more up close and personal with one of the grown-ups:

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And the opportunity to gather some eggs with Austin before it was time to go.

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We left there later with a plate of cookies that Summer had made, and with the eggs that Aaron gathered, and with such happy memories just made.

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When we got home later, after eating too much at the Pizza Hut buffet, a thought hit me.  I couldn’t remember when exactly Summer had messaged me about coming to see the chickens, so I looked at my messages and there it was.  Summer had messaged me, as I said earlier, on Saturday night.

Saturday night…when Aaron and I were still in happy mode.  Saturday night…before the sadness of Sunday night.  Saturday night…before I knew just HOW much her invitation would mean to us.

I know in my heart that Summer was nudged by God to message me that night.  I was excited to receive her offer, but I had no idea what the next night held.  I had no idea that I would be wiping away tears of disappointment on Sunday night when on Saturday everything was going so well.

But God knew.  God cared about me enough to prompt Summer to invite us down.  God knew before I knew…and He knew what Summer didn’t know…and that was this:  that He wanted to bless me and give me a hug when I really needed it through the action of one of His children who was listening to Him.

This thought and this seemingly simple action is simply profound to me.  God indeed does go before me in ways I sometimes never see, but when I do see it I can only say, “WOW!!”

And to thank God for His sweet care for me, and for Aaron, by using one of His very sweet families.

No action is too small or insignificant to be used by God in a huge way in someone else’s life.

Thank you to Summer, Tyler, and Austin!

And a special thank you to God!

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Mom, Don’t Be Sad

Blah!  Bleh!  However you want to spell it, it’s how I feel right now.

If we’ve learned one thing about Aaron, it’s that we’re always learning about Aaron.  The autistic brain, as well as the brain changed by seizures…and let’s not forget the brain impacted by so many meds…is indeed a complex mess at times.

Aaron’s mess often makes me a mess.

I also feel like a Yo-Yo.  Up and down…up and down…up and down.

Aaron had a cold last week and was home for a couple days from his day group because of it.  On Friday he was out of bed and reluctantly ready for Paradigm when I looked down the hall and realized that he had gone back to bed.

Oh well, I thought.  I guess it’s another home day for Aaron.  I had a must-do trip down to the air base scheduled, so off I went, minus Aaron.  But I was barely down the road when my phone rang, and there was Aaron, out of bed and ready to go to Paradigm.  I turned around, picked him up, and off we went – his current CD of choice playing and a smile on his face.

What a relief to me to see him happy!

I told him about the pizza lunch that was scheduled, being careful not to use the word “party,” because Aaron doesn’t care for parties.  I definitely didn’t tell him about the planned dance, either, because Aaron not only doesn’t like parties, he REALLY dislikes parties with dancing.  It’s all just too much sensory overload for Aaron, despite the fact that Aaron himself causes plenty of sensory overload for those of us who are routinely living in his world.  Go figure.

Aaron was still pleasantly happy when we pulled up to Paradigm.  He was still happy when he called me later to give me a report on his day.  And happy still when I picked him up later…an early pick-up just for fun and so we could make our Friday Wal-Mart shopping trip for weekend treats.

Aaron came to the van looking like this:

 

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Chris, one of the staff, jokingly put some tape on Aaron’s mouth…and I can surely guess why…and Aaron loved it.  He wanted to go into Wal-Mart that way, but stuffy mom said no!

Aaron immediately asked me in Wal-Mart if we could buy him an Xbox and I immediately told him no…as always.  I reminded him that an Xbox is too expensive to buy for a weekend treat.  Aaron asked if he could go to the electronic section to look around since he had no interest in looking at hair spray and make-up, so off he went with a reminder from me to NOT run!

I should have also reminded him to not bother any of the associates since I know that Aaron invariably finds an unsuspecting associate in their blue vest, and invariably asks them questions.  Friday was no exception, as Aaron told me later what happened.

“Hey!” Aaron said as he pounced upon said associate.  “Do you sell any CHEAP Xboxes?!”  😊  😊

Once home, Aaron helped me carry bags in the house.  He helped me make spaghetti for supper.  Never mind the broken noodles all over the stove-top.  He was trying his best.  He helped me make brownies, looking down at the bowl of batter and asking, “Is that the WHOLE brownie?!”

 

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He set the table, took the recycling items to the garage bin, and learned a funny song to sing to Kyle the next day for his birthday.  And after supper, he crammed spaghetti in his mouth and mumbled, “Send a picture to Andrea!!”

 

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On Saturday morning, we called Kyle for his birthday and Aaron happily sang his funny song that he had practiced over and over in his monotone voice while on his computer:  “Happy Birthday to you!  Happy Birthday to you!  You look like a monkey.  You smell like one, too!”

And Aaron, who is often jealous of his new brother-in-law, rubbed his hands together in delight after he sang his song, and ran upstairs after laughing loudly.

That afternoon, while Gary worked on our extremely frustrating messed-up internet, Aaron and I went for a walk in Swanson Park.  We saw beautiful Kansas prairie grasses.

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We saw lots of very old, dramatic trees.

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Aaron even happily posed for a picture.

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But best of all, we got up close and personal with this gorgeous deer.

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What a very fun, relaxing afternoon!

We finished the day watching a movie while eating supper, with Aaron totally delighted to eat his egg rolls as he watched a huge volcano erupt.

After church on Sunday, Gary had to get busy on our internet repair again, so Aaron and I scooted down to the grocery store for his favorite Cheddar Pasta Salad…and chicken…and drinks…and then doughnuts at Paradise Donuts down the road.  But as the day went on, and especially while I was on the phone with Andrea, I noticed that Aaron’s happy brightness was fading.  And after another movie that night, and one of his favorite television DVD shows, I knew that our happy time was over.

I just wish I knew why.

I really wish that Aaron knew why and could talk about it.

Asking Aaron to talk about his feelings or to verbalize his thoughts about these things would be like me asking him to walk up the stairs if he had Cerebral Palsy and was in a wheelchair.  That’s how impossible it is.

And even though I kept telling myself that this very happy time would no doubt end, I still realized that deep down I dreamed that maybe it wouldn’t end…that maybe Aaron would see how much fun it is to be happy and compliant, and would want to stay that way.

It was like Aaron crashed.  Like he went from being manic to being angry again, for whatever reason.  He was just upset for no reason that I could see.

He said he was not taking his pills, but he did.  He said he was not taking his CBD oil, but he did.  He said he wasn’t going to bed, but he did.  He said he wasn’t going to brush his teeth, and he didn’t do that.  Of course.  😊

I just shut down, trying to stay flat and unaffected in order to not escalate Aaron’s unhappiness.  He noticed my change every bit as much as I noticed his.  He didn’t like it and wanted me to be happy even as he was anything but.

“Mom!” he said.  “Don’t be sad!”

But if I tried to explain why I was sad he did not want to talk about it or to hear me talking about it…talking about how he had dramatically changed so quickly.  No talking allowed.  But no sadness, either.

Aaron was worried that I wouldn’t participate in our nightly routine, especially talking to him over the monitor from our bedroom after he was all tucked in his bed.

“Mom?” he asked over the monitor.  “Are you going to say goodnight?”

So I did, half- heartedly, and he knew…but he thought that he should just be happy with what we had at that moment.  And so did I.  But once more before we were done, he said it again.

“Mom, don’t be sad.”

My tears came then when Aaron couldn’t see them.  Tears of frustration and sadness.  Tears due to the realization of how very much I loved our fun days, without any stress, and how much I wished they could last forever.

And having those happy days, only to have the anger re-emerge, showed me just how stressed I often am.  I was so relaxed and content when Aaron was happy, but the instant stress again was a real blow.

Many of you reading this, in your own particular context, know exactly what I mean.  The ups and downs of life take a toll.  The good news and the bad news.  The hope and then the dashing of hope.

Long term care-giving mamas, though, know it all too well.  Balancing the moods, the environment, the activities, the meds, the decisions…and most definitely, the guilt for not thinking we’re doing it well enough.

Gary was right beside me last night, as always.

And so was God.  He reminded me as I laid awake for a long time of His love for me and of His unending grace.  Grace upon grace.  Grace for me and for Aaron…and grace to give to me so I can give it to Aaron.

God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness.  He never lets me down or leaves me to my own resources.  He is forever there for me with that tangible comfort that only those who really walk with Him will know and understand.

In a real sense, these hard times…this Yo-Yo life with Aaron…keep me experiencing God in a way that I might not otherwise.  For that I am thankful.

“Mom, don’t be sad.”

Aaron has no idea of how God uses him to teach me so much.

 

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Let’s Go Racing!

Our son, Andrew, works for a professional NHRA race team.  He works for Don Schumacher Racing and is on Leah Pritchett’s team.  It’s an unusual, hard-working, and interesting life.  Gary and I subscribe to the NHRA live feed so that we can watch each qualifying and elimination run at every race from February – November.

 

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This weekend the big Indy Nationals Labor Day race is being run for its 65th year.  It’s a huge event!  And you can bet that Gary and I will be watching each run.  One qualifying run was on Friday…two runs today…two more tomorrow…and the big race will happen on Monday.  It’s so much fun to be able to go to the races while we’re at home!  And even more fun to see Andrew!

 

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Leah and the team won the race at Brainerd two weeks ago.  Here is a picture of Andrew and Leah with the coveted Wally trophy.

 

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We wish all of them the same success this weekend, for sure!

Someone else will hang out with us, too, for each run.  Aaron!  Now this is unusual because Aaron used to care nothing for racing.  Part of that was lack of interest in the sport.  But a huge part of his lack of interest was also due to jealousy.

Aaron has struggled with resentment toward Andrew for years.  I think it’s partly because they are both guys.  Aaron wanted friends like Andrew had…wanted to drive a truck like Andrew did…and craved the attention Andrew got when he told his cool stories.

Therefore, when Aaron would see Gary and me watching a race, he would say, “I don’t care about that stupid race!!”  And off he would stalk, mad at us for the time and attention we gave to the race…and mostly to Andrew.

Something changed, though, a few years ago.  Aaron took an interest in racing and so he would come down to Gary’s study to join us.  Granted, sometimes his head is buried in his Nintendo DS, but he is still listening and soaking up knowledge about drag racing.

It was amazing and wonderful to hear Aaron talk to Andrew on the phone.  “Hey, Andrew!!  I watch you on racing!”  And to hear Andrew so sweetly engage with Aaron, and to say he’s glad he gets to watch.

Our little neighbor came over a few weeks ago to watch a run with us.  Keegan is in the first grade.  It was so cool to hear Aaron answering some of Keegan’s questions about drag racing.  Things like the difference in Funny cars, like Andrew used to work on:

 

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And Top Fuel cars, where he is now:

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It was also fun to hear Aaron talk about Leah Pritchett, the driver of the car where Andrew is now working.  This has been one of the funniest and sweetest aspects of Aaron’s interest in racing.

Leah is very pretty.  Aaron has never mentioned before that a girl is pretty.  He might talk about her hair being “yellow”…or her clothes that are weird…or her weight!!…or any number of other aspects that often require our correction.  But being pretty?  Nope.  Aaron has never seemed to notice.  Until Leah…

The first time he saw her in a close-up shot on our television, Aaron said, “She has nice eye polish!”  😊  😊

Gary and I stifled laughter as we looked at each other in shock.  Aaron noticed her eye make-up?!

When I was able to meet Leah in person two years ago at the Houston race, I told her about Aaron and what he said.  She loved it!

Aaron has broadened his appreciation of Leah, though.  He says that she is beautiful, and that he wants to marry her…which is to Aaron a normal connecting of the dots, not at all unusual or extreme.

This past year, in Houston, I asked Leah to sign one of her posters for Aaron.  She was glad to do so.

And Aaron…he was BEYOND happy when I handed him his poster, signed – LOVE, Leah!!

He has showed this poster to all our neighbors and to many others who have come to our house.

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I told Leah about this at the Topeka race, about how happy Aaron is to have her signed poster.  It made her smile, and then to ask when she would see Aaron.  But taking Aaron to an actual race…that’s a whole other challenge!

In all this racing interest, the best part has been to watch Aaron care about Andrew’s life and his job, and for the bond that has been formed between them.

“My brother is a drag car racer worker!” Aaron tells everyone.

That’s the best win-win, in our book.

But we would still love to see another Wally this weekend!