February 2019 – He Said What?!

No More Dog

Yesterday was the day that Gary and I have talked about and dreaded for so long. We had to say that final goodbye to our precious Great Dane, Jackson.

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What a beautiful and wonderful dog he was to our entire family!

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In 2007, Andrea really, really, really wanted a dog…a BIG dog! Gary and I really, really, really weren’t sure. But finally, we said yes and the rest is history. Jackson was born in May of that year, so he lived a good and long life of nearly 12 years, surpassing the normal life span of a Dane.

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After a few years, Andrea moved to Texas for grad school, and stayed there for career and now marriage. Jackson stayed with us and enjoyed visits over the years from Kyle and Andrea’s doggies.

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Aaron loves animals and Jackson was his special friend. Patient, kind Jackson tolerated Aaron’s noises, Aaron’s behaviors that sometimes scared him, and other behaviors that pleased him – like Aaron’s knack for sneaking him table food and doggie treats.

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Jackson also at times showed concern for Aaron’s seizures, such as in this picture shortly after Aaron awoke from a seizure.

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Many of you have asked how Aaron handled this loss of Jackson. Gary and I talked so much about how to tell Aaron when the time came. For months, Aaron knew that this possibility might become a reality. We talked about it a lot, but when our decision came, and the appointment was made, it was hard to tell Aaron that the “maybe” was now going to happen the next day.

We told him at supper on Monday that on the next day we were having to put Jacks to sleep.

“I don’t want to put him to sleep,” Aaron said. We told him that we agreed but we listed all the reasons it was necessary. Aaron was mostly quiet about it then.

As I tucked Aaron in bed that night, he said again that he didn’t want to get rid of Jackson, as he put it. But Aaron knew it was not going to change, much as we wished it could.

The dread hung over us all day yesterday, like a gloomy cloud. I wondered what Aaron would do when he got home from his day group, knowing that in a short while we would take Jackson to the vet.

“Can I give Jackson some treats?” Aaron asked. So, I told him to go ahead and give him all the rest of the chicken jerky treats in the bag, which were mostly small pieces, but to give them to him slowly. Of course, this happened.

Jackson was thrilled! And so was Aaron, most definitely!

The time came, much as we wished it wouldn’t. Gary and I got Jackson ready to go, making a potty stop in the yard. I ran up to Aaron’s room while Jackson sniffed outside.

“Aaron,” I said. “It’s time to take Jackson. Do you want to say goodbye?”

“No,” Aaron flatly said.

I told him that I understood and said we would see him soon.

Gary sat in the back of the van with Jacks, keeping him from falling as he was so prone to do. I pushed the button to close our garage door and was backing out of the driveway. Just as I got on our road, I looked and saw that our garage door was opening.

“Good grief!” I said. “We don’t have time for this!” I thought our door was malfunctioning.

So, as I pulled back into the driveway, with the garage door opening, I saw legs. And as the door fully opened, there stood Aaron in the middle of the garage…right at the open door…his right hand in the air, waving back and forth.

Bless his heart, he had indeed wanted to say goodbye. I will never forget that image of him standing there waving his hand to his buddy.

I opened the side van door, and Aaron walked outside. He stuck his head in the door.

“Bye, Dad!” he said.

He couldn’t bring himself to say the words to Jackson, but his eyes darted nervously to look at his friend. Then Aaron backed up, eyes still looking at Jackson. And as he started to walk away, he looked back one more time, still with scared eyes focusing on Jacks.

It was incredibly sweet and sad and broke down all my tough reserves as I cried all the way to the vet.

And Jackson, in what seemed like one final way of expressing his opinion of all this, pooped in the van! Served us right…right?!

When we got home and sat down to supper, Aaron did another amazing thing. He didn’t seem to mind at all that we had some tears, and if you know Aaron, you know how shocking that is. Aaron hates for anyone to cry. If I just sniff my nose, he instantly asks if I’m crying. He thinks crying is weird…but in reality, tears make him very uncomfortable and he doesn’t know what to say or do.

Later, after supper, Aaron and I sat down to watch some television. He was snacking on his new bag of Chex Mix. Suddenly, he jumped up and walked to the kitchen, returning with another of his bowls.

“Here, Mom!” he said. “I’m giving you some Chex Mix!” He proceeded to pour me some in the bowl he had gotten and bring it to me with a big smile on his face. And even though I didn’t really want it, I would never have said no after I saw his happy face.

You see, Aaron loves to share with people…most of the time. But sharing his food or his movies or his treasures…whatever he has…is Aaron’s love language.

And it was like he wanted to share a snack with me because I was sad. Kind of like he shared all those jerky treats with Jackson earlier, except I merited a bowl. Then he kept bringing me the bagel chips and the “twirly crackers,” as he calls them, that he doesn’t like…dumping them in my bowl with all the excitement he would have if he was giving me something of huge importance.

But this was of huge importance because it showed me that he cared that I was sad. Empathy doesn’t always come easily to Aaron, but on this night it did. So I ate the crackers that I didn’t really want so much, more for him than for me. Yet it WAS for me, too, because it was like a good medicine for my heart in so many ways.

Aaron, last night, agreed with our sadness and he showed it in the way that Aaron does…not with words or deep conversation…but with his actions. He tolerated our tears, and he shared what was important to him at the moment. I never tasted any better Chex Mix than what I ate last night!

This morning, after Aaron ate his huge pile of scrambled eggs that I made him for breakfast, he put his plate on the kitchen counter. Little pieces of egg were on the plate…little pieces that ordinarily would have gone in Jackson’s food bowl for him to eat, much to Aaron’s great delight.

“I was almost going to go out and put those in Jackson’s bowl,” I said to Aaron. “It’s hard to think that Jackson isn’t here.”

“Yeah,” Aaron replied. “No more dog!”

And he walked off with that, making his chuckling noise that isn’t a laugh. It’s like he’s satisfied with what he’s said…not necessarily happy but satisfied.

That’s the bottom line if I ever heard a bottom line. Just get to the point with Aaron. Say it like it is. Put things into facts, place them in a category, and move on.

But I know he thinks deeply and he feels deeply.

That goodbye wave and my Chex Mix will remind me of that for a long, long time.

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Set Sail!

God prepared you, and me, for every single event in our lives before we needed it. And He then stacks grace upon grace as we live through the tough times…..blessing upon blessing…..growth upon growth.

He Said What?!

It’s a good thing that I looked in the cabinet this morning, checking on a key ingredient that I needed for my chicken dish that we’ll eat for tonight’s supper. I thought I had plenty but I didn’t, so I quickly added it to my short grocery list and was able to stop at the store later to pick it up. Being prepared is important!

This small episode fit perfectly with what I read this morning during my quiet time. I actually learned a new word…..a Greek word. Well, most Greek words are new to me, but this particular word made a huge impression on me. I hope it will do the same for you. The word?

Pleroma.

Impressed yet? Hang on.

Pleroma was part of the ancient world’s shipping vocabulary. It has to do with being complete or being full. Here is what Raymond Brown says about pleroma in…

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The Small Seeds

We have a large Golden Rain Tree in our front yard, just off our front porch and sidewalk. We love how pretty this tree is, and we love the shade it provides. Every spring the new growth is almost a Chartreuse Green that stands out against the dark green of the leaves on the older branches. Then little seed pods start growing. At first, they are a pretty mauve and soft green color, like little puffy pillows hanging all over the tree. As autumn arrives, the seed pods turn a crunchy brown. They fall off the tree in droves, covering our sidewalk and our flower beds, laying in the mulch under the tree, and generally becoming a nuisance.

Inside each seed pod are several little black, round seeds. As the seed pod dries up and blows away, those small black seeds nestle down into the mulch around the tree or in the flower beds. They fall into the cracks of our sidewalk. They disappear under the Moneywort ground cover in one flower bed, or under the Salvia in another bed. In other words, those pesky seeds go everywhere and there is no controlling them!

It’s easy to forget all about them during the cold days of winter when nothing is growing and when little attention is being paid to my flower beds. But as always happens, winter ends and soon the warmer days of spring are upon us. The rain falls; the sun is higher in the sky; the days grow longer; and plants are growing and blooming and coming to life.

Something else grows, too. In the mulch under the trees; between the cracks in our sidewalk; along the edges of the landscape bricks; mixed in amongst the Moneywort ground cover…just everywhere…grow little tiny Golden Rain Trees.

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And so begins my spring and summer job of being vigilant to look for these new little growths, and when finding them, to immediately pull them up from where they are happily growing. I can pick dozens of these beginnings of Golden Rain Trees one day, and literally the very next day find more popping through the moist soil. They grow quickly and they grow abundantly.

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They also hide very well in my Moneywort ground cover, being nearly the same color and having very similar leaves. It takes time to look carefully, to find them, and then to pull them out.

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These fragile miniature trees have an amazing root system from the very start of their growth. If caught early, they are easy to pull up. But the longer they are left, the harder they are to fully remove…root and all. They take hold quickly in order to grow strong and to secure solid footing.

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It would be far easier to just leave them alone…to ignore them…or to even enjoy how fresh and cute they are when they are just small, harmless plants. They won’t hurt anything, right? Besides, who has time for all that searching and bending over and pulling and throwing away?

In the Old Testament, God chose the nation of Israel to be His people…the nation through whom He would show His plan for redemption through the coming of Jesus, the Messiah. As God’s chosen people, the nation of Israel was given commands from God…laws to be obeyed…wars to be won…plans to be fulfilled by God through His people.

But over and over the people of Israel tired of obeying God. They forgot God’s abundant love and His steadfast promises…promises that hinged upon their obedience. It didn’t seem like such a bad thing to them to intermarry among the heathen nations…to worship those nation’s false gods…to join in all sorts of pagan living and beliefs…and eventually to totally forget God.

Their sins were like our little Golden Rain seeds…small, and seemingly no big deal. But oh, when left unchecked, how huge they became! How far reaching their impact and destruction, both on a personal and a national level!

Listen as the Psalmist describes the result of unattended sin:

“…they mixed with the nations and learned to do as they did. They served their idols, which became a snare to them. They sacrificed their sons and their daughters to the demons; they poured out innocent blood, the blood of their sons and daughters, whom they sacrificed to the idols of Canaan, and the land was polluted with blood.” (Psalm 106:35-39)

Sin and disobedience, either personal or national, that is left unchecked will grow deeply and dangerously into actions that could never have been dreamed possible. I’m sure Israel never thought that falling in love with the heathen people and marrying them would one day result in offering their children in an idol’s fire. But indeed it did, as what was once deemed wrong became acceptable and condoned and fully embraced.

It’s true for us today as well. We rationalize…we explain away…we conveniently ignore…we refuse to speak truth. We think that “small” sins are really no big deal. God understands, right?

I mean, your truth might be different from my truth, but what does it matter? As long as no one gets hurt, then it’s OK. The world has changed, and we have to change with it. We need to be tolerant. And on and on we go, even Christians, turning a blind eye to the small dark seeds of sin that are growing unhindered in the hearts of individuals and in our nation.

Now we’re left reeling in the aftermath of sin left untended too long. We’re left wondering what has happened to morals and decency and the fear of God.

It’s happened because of years of ignoring God. Years of not obeying His clear commands. Years of refusing to teach the absolute truth of God’s word and His ways. In our own personal lives, and therefore in the life of our great nation, we are reaping the harvest of disobedience and disbelief.

Sin is relentless because Satan desires to destroy each one of us. Sin may seem innocent enough…such a small matter here and another one there, falling into the cracks of our individual hearts. But sins left alone to grow will do just that, becoming rooted in our lives and then in the lives of our family and finally in the life of our nation.

God is a God of mercy and forgiveness, yet He is also a God of justice and holiness. Sin left to grow will show itself in so many ugly ways, and finally we will face its consequences…not because God is mean, but because God is just and He, as Holy God, cannot tolerate sin.

May our hearts be tender to God’s instruction. May our eyes see with wisdom the sin that so easily besets us. May we uproot those sins, constantly, and live in obedience to God…as individuals and as a nation.

Special Aaron

No mother can ever forget the birth of their babies, each one so unique and completely amazing. That first baby, though, holds a very tender place in a mother’s heart. Our first baby was Aaron. He wasn’t loved more than our other two children, but that first birthing experience was one of a mixture of fear and uncertainty that culminated in total wonder at the little squalling miracle lying in my arms.

A son!! I remember a feeling washing over me that I had never experienced before. Total love. I knew that certainly no other woman could have ever felt as blessed and…well…as special as I did in those new moments of motherhood. I know now that this wasn’t true, but you could never have convinced me otherwise during those first fresh days of holding my little son.

I examined him from the top of his fuzzy head to the very bottom of his wrinkled toes. Every detail was so perfect. He was so tiny and complete…wispy eyelashes, button nose, tee tiny little fingernails and toenails…just every single part was truly a work of art from God.

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Lots of years have passed since my first introduction to motherhood in that old wooden WWII hospital at Fort Carson, Colorado. So many details of Aaron’s future, unknown to us back in 1984, have woven themselves into our own future now. Never, ever did we dream that our Aaron would continue to be defined as “special,” but now in the sense that we often call “Special Needs.”

Sometimes I still shake my head in disbelief at that title.

Yet there is no denying the reality of this path upon which God set our steps. Aaron’s first seizure in Germany at the age of seven led us to a diagnosis of Epilepsy. Seizures have never been out of the picture since that time other than for brief periods of reprieve.

Then later, at the age of 14, came the surprising diagnosis of autism…Asperger’s Syndrome. This wasn’t a common condition at that time. I didn’t even know what Asperger’s was. But we’ve all learned along with Aaron just what it means to live with what we call “Special Needs.”

It’s very interesting to look up this word “special.” It’s a word that we so routinely use that we don’t give it much thought. So, I did just that…I looked up this special word in the dictionary…and I was touched by just what it means to be special. Especially what it means to Aaron, and so to us as well.

SPECIAL: Distinguished by some unusual quality.

Our family would laugh at this one, not because we’re cruel but because Aaron has LOTS of unusual qualities. Many days I wish it was only one. Some are funny; some are annoying; some he repeats over and over; some are loud; some are very embarrassing….

SPECIAL: Readily distinguishable from others of the same category.

Well, that’s one way to put it. He’s very readily distinguishable when he stops in the crosswalk at Wal-Mart and holds his arms up just to be sure that traffic knows to stop! He’s totally distinguishable when I remind him to look UP as we leave the store and enter said crosswalk again so that he looks for traffic and not at his feet…and he stops in the middle of the crosswalk and looks up at the SKY!!

He’s also very likely to hover at the door of the nail salon like a stalker, watching the women getting their manis and pedis…fascinated by the smells and the sounds…but a little alarming as he curiously stares.

He whistles…he claps…he sings. Or he stands in the little restaurant in the Wal-Mart entrance and delights in the fact that the attendant thinks he wants to order.

SPECIAL: Being other than the usual.

Usual is so boring to Aaron. Some days I wish for boring. But Aaron does add a spark to life on most days. Sometimes a raging fire, honestly. Like Gary and I envisioned Friday evening in Cracker Barrel when Aaron decided to take the globe off the oil lamp…that was lit…with real fire. All was well. Nothing to see here, people at the table beside us. Move on.

But there is also one more meaning to this word…this special word. And this meaning is by far my very favorite.

SPECIAL: Designed for a particular purpose.

You see, Aaron was indeed designed by God, just as much as all the other babies ever conceived. He was designed for a particular purpose. I don’t always live in that reality, especially on the hard days. But I know deep in my heart that God made no mistakes with Aaron. God’s sovereign hand made Aaron just the way he is. It’s up to me to live in that knowledge, especially when I’m tired or upset or discouraged or embarrassed.

Honestly, one of the huge purposes that I’ve seen Aaron have in my life is to remind me of how much I need God. How much I need His love and forgiveness and patience and strength. How when I am weak, then God is strong FOR me and IN me.

Aaron reminds me to give: