From Bliss to Brokenness

On Monday, November 6, of last year…..yes, 2017 is – as of today – LAST year!!  Anyway, on that day last year our washing machine loudly died.  I mean, the noises coming from the bathroom/laundry room were downright scary.  I remember that date because two days later, November 8, was Aaron’s birthday.  Gary and I met at Lowe’s after he got off work on Tuesday night, where we found our dream machine, got it ordered, and were told that delivery would be on Thursday.

Thursday was the day we were having two of Aaron’s favorite friends over for a birthday supper, so I knew I would be home most of the day as I got things ready.  It was also the day that Aaron woke up in a very wet bed, so it became the day of a huge mound of wet bedding piled near our dead washing machine, waiting on our brand new dream machine.  And friends coming for dinner. 

So I prayed as I made apple pie….Aaron’s birthday “cake” of choice.  I asked God to please let the dream machine come sooner than the possible delivery time given to us, which was between 12:00 and 4:00, and usually means it might be there by 6:00 – with friends coming for supper and with Aaron very picky about his bedding and covers being JUST right.  It was shortly after 11:00 when I asked God for this kindness…not really near the expected delivery time.  But don’t you know, that within two minutes my phone rang and it was the delivery guys asking if it would be ok to come early!

I almost said, “Amen!!  You come right on over!”  I didn’t because I wanted my dream machine delivered and was afraid I would scare them away, but I did share with them God’s sweet provision and answer to prayer as they installed my dream machine.  One man smiled as he worked and the other said, “God is still on His throne!”  I did say “Amen!” to that!

I’ve loved that new washing machine.  The tub is so large that I have to stand on my tiptoes to reach the bottom of it, but does it ever hold big loads, like bedding!  And often I think back to that sweet answer to prayer on my very busy day….how God provided the dream machine in the first place, and then gave it to me early when I asked.  I love those “simple” and kind answers to prayer.

So fast forward to December 22, the Friday before Christmas, when Aaron woke up in an even wetter bed than the one of the month before.  Seizure?  I didn’t hear one.  More likely just too much drinking water before bed.  Regardless, everything needed washing on the VERY busy day of cleaning and cooking before the kids came in and our Christmas began.  Oh well, nothing to do but DO what needed doing…and I had my wonderful new dream machine, remember?

I was thankful for that extra large tub as I loaded Aaron’s wonderful waterproof mattress pad and sheets into it, and then went about my other work for the day.  But when I went back to check on that first load, I found it to be dripping wet.  “Oh dear,” I thought.  “What could be causing that?”  I had washed heavy loads before with no problem.  I set the load on a rinse and spin cycle, but still had the same dismal results when I checked it later.  Setting it again, I watched closely and found that water wasn’t entering the tub, and the tub wasn’t spinning.  Nothing in the manual helped and nothing I did worked, so I was stuck with all of Aaron’s bedding in another huge pile, and very wet bedding in my dream machine. 

Gary worked and worked on that machine when he came home, to no avail.  I did manage to get the very wet items dried in our dryer, but still had piles of laundry at the end of the day.  Gary called Lowe’s and a repairman was scheduled, but not until Wednesday…which this year was our Christmas Eve. 

Bless his heart, Gary insisted on taking all the laundry to the laundromat on Saturday morning.  Aaron helped him carry the bags out to his truck, and before too long Gary was back with lots of wet laundry to be dried. 

WP_20171223_09_27_38_Pro

And when the repairman came on Wednesday, he found the problem but told us he wouldn’t be able to come back with the needed part until January 2nd. 

So we have lots and lots of laundry sorted and piled on now empty beds since all the kids have come and gone after Christmas.  Of course, that means extra bedding and extra towels waiting to be washed in my dream machine that has turned into a little of a nightmare, honestly. 

WP_20180101_13_40_40_Pro

I went from happily sharing this evident answer to prayer to scratching my head at the failure of it.  Not the failure of God, mind you, but the failure surrounding this provision…my dream machine!

But through this really simple annoyance, God has spoken to my heart.  How many times He has clearly answered my prayers, only to also lead me to…at times…a hard place where I must trust Him.  It’s so easy to praise Him for clear answers, but sometimes difficult to trust His sovereignty when the answers aren’t a bed of roses. 

Today’s answers to prayers don’t guarantee a carefree tomorrow. 

But always…ALWAYS…God DOES answer.  His answer may contain trials, but He also ALWAYS has a reason for those trials.

Gary and I were married over five years before Aaron was born.  I wondered if I would ever have a baby.  That positive pregnancy test was one of the happiest days of my life!  We thanked God over and over!!

So fast forward to now, 33 years later.  When I held baby Aaron, I never dreamed of seizures and autism and behaviors and our son still with us at his age.  And like my broken dream machine, our dreams for Aaron have certainly taken a different turn.  Aaron isn’t broken.  He is just the way that God designed him to be.  But my dreams were broken.  Our amazing answer to prayer has also carried with it a huge element of grief and testing.

Yet I know…I KNOW…that God is in control.  With His blessing of Aaron in our lives has also come some brokenness.   Our life is on a far different path than we had ever envisioned.  But on that path has also come tremendous cause for trust in God…which teaches us patience…waiting…and then peace.  God’s sweet peace amid the piles of pain and mess that sometimes surround our days.    

I shouldn’t be focusing on the ANSWER to my prayers, but on the God behind that answer. 

And in that focus…in God alone…I can rest and I can trust. 

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Be still, and know that I am God.”  (Psalm 46:1,10)

What better way to start the New Year than this!

 

 

 

Does God Like Me?

“Mom?” Aaron asked last night as he was going through his ever-important bedtime routine.  I was ready for yet another question about what the SS means on the side of the Poseidon…or what kind of vision do the aliens on Pacific Rim have…or what is the quick freeze on The Day After Tomorrow movie?  So I just absently responded with my all-too-often reply.

“Hmmm?” I absently answered as he stood beside me in the bathroom, watching me put something away. 

“Do I have seizures because God doesn’t like me?” he continued.

And I stopped…stopped dead in my tracks at this very unexpected question. 

I looked up from what I was doing, into his very serious face. 

“I just wondered if I have seizures because God doesn’t like me,” he continued. 

Wow!

This is like a question Job would ask, and I wanted to give the right answer without being too shallow or too deep.

I told Aaron that God loves him very much, and that sometimes He allows things to happen.  I wanted to go into full theology mode, but I knew that I could easily lose Aaron, so I assured him again of God’s love and that when we have those questions we need to remember what we know about God…that He IS love, even when we don’t understand what He allows.

Aaron went on to bed soon after, but his question lingered in my mind into this morning.  What brought that question into his mind?  What had he been thinking about? 

Gary and I talked last night at supper, just the two of us, about how on some days we feel like it’s Christmas…and on other days, not so much.  What brings on that “Christmas spirit” we sometimes work so hard to achieve?  At times, we don’t set out to create that feeling, but when it’s missing we wonder what we missed.  Are we tired?  Worried?  Overwhelmed?  Broke?  Or broken?

I walked into Aaron’s room this morning, carrying his fresh coffee and finding him soundly asleep.  I spoke to him but he didn’t stir.  Coming back a little later, I pulled back his covers as he grunted…and I was not happy with what I saw.

A wet bed!  A totally soaked bed!

And last night he and I had changed his sheets!  I was happy to mark that off my Christmas To-Do list. 

“Are you kidding me?” I exclaimed. 

“What?” Aaron sleepily asked.

“You wet your bed!” I impatiently answered.  I was pretty certain it wasn’t a seizure, so I added, “No more water before bed!”

And off I huffed, mumbling my frustration.  Of all days!  I was feeling pretty good last night about finishing the gift wrapping and most of the grocery shopping, and saving Friday for house cleaning and the beginning of my cooking. 

Plans set.  The “Christmas spirit” picking up!

And now this…this time consuming, unexpected, yucky mess!

As I showered and got myself ready, Aaron’s question of the night before came back to my mind.  I was reminded of how much I wanted to impress God’s love upon him.  How could I do that if I was grouchy with him?  And again, how could I answer his searching question in a way that would impact him?

As I thought about it, God gently nudged my heart.  “It’s Christmas, Patty,” He seemed to say.  “What better time to explain my love than at Christmas?”

All of a sudden, wet bedding and a busy day ahead didn’t matter so much.  The Christmas music playing in my bedroom took on a clearer meaning.  I decided to talk to Aaron on our way to his day group.

He promptly turned on the Christmas CD that was in the player as soon as I turned on the van.  “Number 12,” he flatly said.  Aaron always follows the numbers of songs very closely.  “This CD has 14 songs,” he further explained.  “It’s on number 12 now.”

I smiled.  He seems to think that I want to know this information as much as he does.  But this morning, I was glad to know that I had only three songs to go before I could talk to Aaron once again about his last night’s question.

Number 14 song completely ended, and the CD went to number 1 again before Aaron removed it.  You do NOT remove the CD when the number 14 is still showing.  It must have moved on to the next song, just so you know.

I grabbed the moment.  “Aaron, do you remember asking me last night if God doesn’t like you because He lets you have seizures?” I asked. 

“Yeah,” he answered as he placed the CD in its case.

“Well, this is the perfect time of year to remember how much God loves you.  He sent Jesus down to earth to be born as a baby because He loves you and me that much.  You know that’s what Christmas is all about,” I said.

“Yeah,” he repeated. 

“So you don’t have to wonder if God loves you or not because you have seizures.  We don’t understand all that, but we do know that He loves you a bunch!  Jesus’ birth shows you that every day!” I continued.

We continued talking a bit as we neared his day group.  He was content with that answer.  And I noticed in my own heart a return of that mysterious “Christmas spirit.”  It had nothing to do with this:

 WP_20171207_07_29_43_Pro

Or this:

 WP_20171215_14_12_54_Pro (2)

But definitely had everything to do with this!

 WP_20171222_12_36_18_Pro

My Christmas verse this year, so appropriate for me and for Aaron this morning, is one we all know: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him would not perish but would have everlasting life.”  John 3:16

I need to run!  I have a load of bedding to put in the dryer.

Merry Christmas to all!

 

 

 

 

The Best Gifts Aren’t Wrapped!

Aaron had a birthday last week…his #33!!  My goodness, when did THAT happen?!  Of course, you know what that makes me…but since I’m the one choosing the subject of this blog, I choose not to choose to talk about ME, and MY age!!

Aaron unabashedly loves his birthday.  It’s one of the treasures of his way of thinking, that he doesn’t outgrow the pure joy of his special day.  Yet he also shies away from too much attention, too much hilarity, too much of anything that makes him feel like he must do something that he’s not quite sure how to do.  Yet this year, he was more relaxed with all the excitement and well wishes from others.  He showed it in several ways that were out of his norm, and it was wonderful to see. 

Yet the very best part of his birthday were the gifts.  Oh, I’m not talking about his presents and cards from family and friends…though they were great, and Aaron loved every single one. 

The absolute best part of this birthday, as the celebrating carried over for several days, was for me to sit back and watch the priceless gifts from some amazing people in his life.  I’ll try to let my pictures do most of the talking.  And speaking of talking, I did not get pictures of him talking to his sister, Andrea – or his Aunt Sandra.  But the smiles on his face and the conversations were very sweet indeed…even when he interrupted Andrea in the middle of her sentence to give me back the phone.  We got a great laugh out of that one!

His long and special friendship with Rosa continues as each year they make time to share their birthdays with each other at Chili’s.  Rosa’s mother, Louise, has become a dear friend of mine, as well.  They are a gift!

WP_20171105_16_12_41_Pro

WP_20171105_16_14_03_Pro

I think it was Rosa who suggested that the servers sing to Aaron.  And Aaron, who has never wanted that attention, agreed to it.  Their gift to Aaron was fun…our server there in the middle was wonderful…and look at the joy on Aaron’s face.

WP_20171105_16_55_12_Pro

WP_20171105_16_55_16_Pro

What can beat the gift of sharing birthday ice cream with your very special friend?

WP_20171105_16_56_37_Pro

On his actual birthday, Aaron agreed to take cupcakes to his day group.  He has NEVER wanted to do that!  I was so happy! 

We stopped at Sam’s on our way to Paradigm. Aaron, in his typical way, grabbed the attention of someone who works there and asked them where the cupcakes were.  That someone was one of the butchers, and as I tried to tell Aaron and the butcher that I knew where the cupcakes were, Aaron excitedly said to him, “TODAY is my birthday!!”  So this very kind young man told Aaron to meet him at the bakery down the aisle, and he gave Aaron two free cookies.  Look at the joy!

WP_20171108_10_08_57_Pro

There is the gift of the very patient therapy dog at Aaron’s day group.

WP_20171108_10_37_19_Pro

And the gift of our own Jackson that we took on a walk that afternoon.

WP_20171108_16_19_21_Pro 1

There was the look of total delight as he held his sister’s gift to him.

WP_20171108_17_39_41_Pro

And laughter as he later opened his brother’s Artsy Fartsy card…complete with fartsy sound effects.

WP_20171113_17_47_35_Pro

There was the gift of Barb, from Paradigm…and her daughter, Casady, coming for lasagna.

WP_20171109_20_28_52_Pro

And Aaron wanting Casady to help him open a gift.

WP_20171109_20_14_57_Pro

One of the most touching pictures on his birthday was this picture, sent to me by Barb…taken at Paradigm…of Aaron and his friend, Koren, with good old Piper.  To me, it sums up how impacting and touching are the friends in Aaron’s life. 

123951

How much our special one’s desire to have love! 

How many ways that love can be shown in their lives, even by perfect strangers! 

 Aaron may not always give a verbal thank you very easily, but the smiles on his face last week told it all. 

And that is a wonderful gift for me and Gary as well.

WP_20171109_20_29_43_Pro

 

Things Done Well

I’m sitting here in the few moments I have before I wake Aaron up for the day, listening to my Dino Piano Pandora radio station.  The song?  “For I know, whate’er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.”  Old language, yes, but beautiful in its reality for all of us who know Jesus.  He DOES do all things well, whether it’s in His beautiful creation all around us…or our new day that stretches before us. 

None of us knows what a day will hold.  But we do know that God holds us and holds this day close to His heart.  He ordains and directs every minute.  It’s up to me to claim this reality, no matter how large or how small are my moments in this day. 

Aaron provides both of those kinds of moments for me…large and small.  I never know when I open his door to wake him up just what our day will entail.  Happy Aaron?  Angry Aaron?  Sad Aaron?  Giving Aaron? 

It’s always a balancing act, based largely on Aaron’s attitude but really, even more so on mine.  It’s sometimes tough, really tough, to be patient and kind when Aaron is anything BUT that!  I often blow it.  But God is faithful and patient with me, and to Aaron, and for that I am very thankful.

Aaron asked on Sunday if he could take flowers to his favorite Paradigm staff and second mom, Barb.  So on Monday he fought off the early morning grouchies as I reminded him of his flower plan.  And later, after I checked the wait time, I threw in a haircut to boot.  Now I had a very happy Aaron!

A haircut and beard trim improved his looks, and then picking out some flowers at Dillon’s improved his Monday attitude.  A cup of coffee from Quik Trip finished it off perfectly!

Of course, he wanted me to go in with him to Paradigm and watch him give Barb the flowers.  When we walked into her office, we found her on the phone so Aaron had to wait – which is something he rarely does well.  But there stood Ashley, his friend…or I should say, his “sometimes” friend.  They sure can go around at times, getting very angry with each other, but look at what they did that morning.

WP_20171030_10_25_08_Pro 1

A HUG!!  So sweet!  And so unexpected that even Barb, though on the phone, reacted as I did.  “Awwww!” we both expressed. 

And then when Barb was off the phone, the happy flower giving took place, with more “Awwwws,” and smiles, and hugs.  I drove away with a peaceful heart.

WP_20171030_10_27_32_Pro

I picked him up that afternoon, still happy and with tales of all the French fries he ate for lunch.  At least that’s the story he told me.  I never quite know if his food exploits are all true, because sometimes he loves to give away money as much as he loves to give away flowers.  He knows that giving away money is not allowed, so he’s become adept at telling me what he knows I want to hear instead of telling me what he really did with his money.  In other words, he has become a gifted liar at times, sad to say.

So I balanced my skepticism of his story with relief at seeing him so happy, not wanting to discourage him or accuse him, yet still driving home the point that I do hope he really DID eat French fries.  But he was already off on his next topic, reminded by his food story that the next day was doctor appointment day…and doctor appointment day means eating out day.  Doctor visits take a major back seat to the real purpose…for Aaron…of doctor days.  They are restaurant decision days!!

Aaron had a difficult time getting out of bed the next morning for his doctor appointment.  It didn’t matter that I had well prepared him the night before concerning the time we would need to leave.  He finally was able to push back the covers, take a shower (possibly! I never know for sure!), drink his coffee, and climb in the van.

I could tell that Aaron was very, very tired.  On many days, he seems to be over-drugged.  Sluggish…slurred speech…very heavy eyelids…wobbly in walking.  This doctor day was such a day for Aaron, but I was actually glad.  Now the doctor could hopefully see what I have told him…that I think Aaron’s weight loss is impacting his medicine dosage.   

Again, more of what we must balance with Aaron.  Seizure control balanced with his ability to function as normally as possible.  Medicine’s benefits balanced with sometimes detrimental side effects.

Aaron is on a new seizure drug since his hospital stay in May for his video EEG.  His seizures are much better on this new drug.  We increased the dosage after one month, but then a few weeks ago we had to decrease the dose back again after he became too slow and sleepy.  Yet still, Aaron continues to have many days and moments of still acting like he is too drugged.

Aaron was still droopy and tired when we arrived at the doctor’s office.  Even seeing some of the staff dressed for Halloween didn’t inspire much of a response. 

WP_20171031_09_47_42_Pro

 

This look at Aaron shows how he really felt that morning.

WP_20171031_10_45_33_Pro

The weight loss combined with the tiredness did concern the doctor.  He is used to listening to Aaron talk about Independence Day movies or Captain James T. Kirk or Darth Nihilus, but there was none of that on this visit.  We will be slowly decreasing one of Aaron’s main seizure drugs to see if that will help.  Another decision to make…another issue to balance.

And Aaron had most definitely made his restaurant decision!  No amount of sluggishness could dampen his usual eating-out enthusiasm.  His choice?  Denny’s!! 

He was at first cold from the weather and slow in his reactions…

WP_20171031_12_08_42_Pro

But that soon changed as he drank some coffee, ate his favorite side salad with no croutons, finished off his French fries after methodically dunking each one into his honey mustard sauce, and then successfully tackled his stack of chicken strips.  If we ate out like that every day he just might gain back some of that lost weight!

WP_20171031_12_20_12_Pro

Watching Aaron for just those two days reminded me again that we have many sides to our complicated son.  In less than 48 hours we saw highs and we saw lows.  We saw progress and we saw some steps backward.  We smiled and we frowned.  We felt relief and we felt our hearts grow a little heavier with nagging worries. 

I remember once when Aaron wasn’t feeling well.  He asked me if he had a seizure during the night, so I told him that he had a small one. 

“That’s probably what’s with me today,” he replied.

Aaron’s epilepsy and autism are certainly with him every day.  And in extension, these issues are with Gary and I every day.  But remember the song I was listening to earlier?  “For I know, whate’er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.” 

Sometimes the things He “doeth” aren’t what I would do, but I’m not in charge.  God is!  I know He loves Aaron, and loves Gary, and loves me.  All that God does, He does well.  I may not see it as well now, or feel it, or like it, but in my heart and my head I do know that all…ALL…He does and allows, is well and good. 

And THAT truth is really what I want to stay with me today, and every day!

 

 

 

 

Life is Like a Coupon Box

I walked into the kitchen on a recent Sunday, after Aaron had completed his usual Sunday coupon clipping chore.  There on the counter lay a Dillon’s coupon, one that I had put into my coupon box several days earlier.  I knew right away what this lone coupon on the counter meant.  It spoke volumes to me as it silently stared up at me…..volumes about our Aaron.

You see, this coupon…

 WP_20171008_15_02_35_Pro

Does NOT belong among these coupons.

 WP_20171008_15_03_30_Pro

The Dillon’s coupon is not a regular coupon to Aaron, and only regular Sunday coupons are to be placed…precisely…in the coupon box.

Silly mom for thinking otherwise.

Aaron’s life is like that coupon box.

Aaron wants most things in his world to be done in a certain order…..words said in a particular way…with order and sequence and expected results.  But life doesn’t operate that way, no matter how much Aaron tries to orchestrate it to do so.

I saw a small example of this the other night in our family room.  Aaron was looking forward to watching one of our favorite television shows.  He wanted to know what time it was coming on, so I told him what the television guide said.  BUT…I had to add…the football game that was on earlier would no doubt disrupt even the best planned TV schedule.

The TV guide said our show would air at 8:30, but at 8:30 another program was still on.  Aaron was not happy about this development.  I explained the situation, multiple times, as Aaron sat in his favorite chair with his legs covered by his favorite blanket and with his favorite snack-of-choice on the ottoman in front of him. 

He sat there in misery, staring at his jar of cashews, and not-so-patiently waiting for his program to start.  Football games are the epitome of a messed- up world, in Aaron’s orderly world.  A 15 minute quarter may last 47 minutes, for crying out loud, and THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!! 

So there Aaron sat in his chair, waiting for the other boring show to end so that his anticipated show could start.  But that wasn’t all that wasn’t right in Aaron’s world.  It was the cashews.

You see, he will only eat his snack-of-choice during the actual television program.  Not during the offending show that was still playing.  Not during the commercials.  ONLY during the actual program that is to be seen will he eat his actual snack that is to be eaten.  So he sat there, staring at his open jar of cashews in front of him, but forbidden because of the dumb show that was still on…because of the dumb football game that was before that…on this day that was getting dumber by the minute. 

We made it through that cascading torrent of dumbness…barely…without a meltdown or without Aaron giving up on it all and returning to his room like he threatened to do.  And on the very second that his program appeared on the screen, Aaron’s hand dipped into the jar of cashews and his world was set upright on its axis, as it should be. 

The coupon box once again only held the correct coupons.

Last night, as I waited for Aaron to get his bedtime routine completed, I watched him write down his time-to-bed in his special notebook…a new notebook, by the way.  His other is year’s full of the times he went to bed and the times he got up in the morning.  Aaron wrote down the time…10:14.  He was preparing to close his notebook, but paused and then gave a little sigh as he scribbled something out in his Went-To-Bed column.   

“What happened?” I asked.

“It went to five,” he flatly answered. 

Yes, the time changed the second he finished writing 10:14.  It became 10:15, so he HAD to correct the time in his notebook.  Scribbled-out numbers are unsightly, but far preferred over having the WRONG time recorded. 

WP_20171021_09_37_01_Pro

The coupon box was once again correct.

Aaron is slowly working his way through watching the complete old Star Trek television series from the 1960’s.  In the opening monologue before each show, Captain Kirk is referred to as Captain James T. Kirk.  Therefore, Aaron NEVER calls Captain Kirk just Captain Kirk.  Captain Kirk is Captain JAMES T. KIRK, people!!

So this conversation happened the other day:

“Mom, who’s your favorite Star Trek character?” Aaron asked.

“Hmmm…” I pondered.  “I guess it would be Captain Kirk.”

Aaron looked at me blankly, as if I had mentioned a foreign character from another show and another time and another planet and another galaxy.

“Who?!” he questioned.

“Captain Kirk,” I repeated.

He continued to stare at me.

Finally…

“You mean, Captain James T. Kirk?” he queried.

Oh, how I wanted to double over in a total belly laugh!!!

But doing so would have highly offended Aaron, so I had to just answer him as seriously as if I was agreeing to the outcome of a very serious discussion about a profound world event.

“Yes,” I sincerely replied.  “Captain James T. Kirk.”

Aaron was very relieved to have this issue settled, and so his Star Trek discussion was continued.

The coupon box was aright once more.

It’s vital that those who live and work with Aaron understand how very profoundly his life and his happiness is tied to the order that he alone sets for himself…and expects everyone else to understand and follow.  Sometimes his desired order can’t be followed, but we must know how to guide Aaron through those times.  Those times when the wrong coupon is in his box, and Aaron most definitely will react, are times that demand great patience on our part. 

When Aaron is deeply frustrated, angry, defiant, or confused is very often a time when the wrong coupon is in the box.  We can’t always see it and we don’t always expect his strong reactions, but we…and everybody else who works with Aaron…had just best realize that there is more going on inside that brain of his than we will probably ever know or even remotely understand. 

It can be so hard and challenging and maddening to us at times…and we know Aaron better than anybody on the planet.  We love him more than anyone, too.  Imagine how very difficult it can be for others to achieve this level of understanding!  And how very impacting in our lives it can be for this lack of understanding to affect us, and Aaron, in a very negative way! 

We have been very blessed with some amazing, kind, understanding people in Aaron’s life.  We have also seen the damage that can come from those who don’t get it.  We have watched this damaging impact in the lives of others whom we know and love, as well, who have special children that have their own coupon box.

Let’s give grace to our children…to the parents of these special ones…and try to comprehend just what each one’s coupon box is really all about. 

WP_20171021_12_16_35_Pro

  

 

 

 

The Unknown Path

Aaron woke up yesterday morning in a bad mood.  He was obstinate, and so I was trying hard to just leave him alone.  I know that he often comes around to “the good side” if I give him some space and some time.  He banged his fist on his desk, making me jump even though I wasn’t in the same room with him.  Still I kept quiet.  But when he came downstairs later as I waited on him to leave for his day group, he was carrying a bag full of his Star Wars DVD’s.  He told me that he was going to give them to a friend because he didn’t want them anymore…..and I told him that he was NOT giving them to his friend.  He then slammed the bag on the kitchen table….and I lost my composure.  Big time lost my composure.

Lots happened after that.  Aaron got in the van, was quiet for awhile, and then he began to tell me that he loved Dad more than me…..that Dad was nicer than me…..that he wasn’t going to watch television with me that night…..and on and on.  I was still angry and not soft toward Aaron at all.  And soon he was crying, which is a sure sign of total frustration on Aaron’s part.

My heart was sad and broken.  I was mad at myself, and mad at Aaron, but also I was hurt for him and just so tired.  I knew that there was more to my anger than Aaron’s belligerent behavior.  Sure, I do get tired of dealing with Aaron’s inability to sometimes control his emotions and his actions.   But there are times that I also struggle with controlling my own emotions and actions.

Without getting too specific, I was already bothered by some thoughts I was having that had nothing to do with Aaron at that moment.  I was having a little pity party of my own.  It was one of those times when I was already looking at Gary’s and my life with Aaron, and giving in to the reality of some things that can really get me down.

Sometimes Gary and I would just like to pick up and go.  Many of our former responsibilities are gone.  But with Aaron, we always need to find caregivers, which is extremely hard to do.  It’s also expensive.  So at a time when couples our age are empty nesters, retiring, enjoying life…..Gary and I are stuck.  I feel terrible saying that, but it’s the truth.  I usually don’t get mired in those thoughts.  I often look at Gary and say, “We have no problems.  God has been so good to us.”  And Gary is careful to thank the Lord for our many blessings when we pray.

But yesterday morning, I was not feeling so blessed.  And therein is much of the problem I was facing.  I let my feelings dictate my response to Aaron, and it was not pretty.  It was not helpful or kind to Aaron.  And I was not pleasing God, for sure.

I know better than to compare myself to others.  But I also know better than to stay in that frame of mind, or to heap guilt upon myself and live in defeat after I blow it.  God forgave me, and Aaron did, too.  I pulled over in a Quik Trip parking lot near Aaron’s day group so that he and I could talk.  It was difficult.  Aaron was crying and I was very frustrated at myself and at him.  Finally, though, we sifted through our hurt feelings.  I told Aaron that I was sorry for the way I acted.  We went to Paradigm, where Aaron walked around talking to some of the staff and some of his friends, but eventually leaving with me.

And as we drove toward home……..in the middle of Aaron talking about Protocol Droids and Darth Nihilus and star maps and HK47 and Revin and Malak and endless other outer space things that are only important to him……he said, “Do you know it’s hard for me to say I’m sorry?”

Wow!!  That was amazing!

I smiled, patted his leg, and assured him that I understood.   We later went to Chili’s for lunch, where we blew our straw wrappers on each other like we always do and where Aaron asked the blessing – “Lord, thank you for this food and please help me to be good today.”  And THAT was a blessing!

WP_20171004_11_51_30_Pro 1

Yes, my day was totally rearranged and very different from what I had planned, which was to be a nice rainy day at home to get some extra things done and not have anywhere extra to go.  But God had rearranged my attitude along with my day, and that is always the best help ever.

God wasn’t through with me yet, though.  This morning I read this verse in Psalm 77:19.  The Psalmist was recalling what God had done for Israel when they left Egypt.

“Your road led through the sea; Your pathway through the mighty waters – a pathway no one knew was there!”

Israel wasn’t happy when they got to the Red Sea.  God rescued them from slavery in Egypt and they were thrilled…..until they saw where God brought them.  The path led to an impossible situation.  The Red Sea!  Now what?!

wadi-4

But God had a path planned for them…..a path no one knew was there.  But God knew!!  He showed Israel His power as He rescued them there.  He taught them lessons they would never have learned had their path remained easy and secure.

God led them through the impossibility on the path He knew was there.  So God has put each of us who follow Him on a certain path in life.  We don’t always get the green pastures or the still waters of Psalm 23.  In fact, all of us are going to come upon a Red Sea in our lives…..an impossible situation that will end up showing us the possibilities that God has in store for us.

His power is made perfect in our weakness, He has told us, and in His power we take one step at a time…..step by step…..on the pathway that we never knew was there.  But He knew it was there!

He may lead us TO a Red Sea, but He has promised to also lead us THROUGH the Red Sea.  I may not even see the other side of my Red Sea on this side of heaven, but I do know that God will shepherd me through each day on this particular path.

I love the old hymn, He Leadeth Me.

He leadeth me!  O blessed thought!  O words with heavenly comfort fraught!  Whate’er I do, where’er I be, still ‘tis God’s hand that leadeth me.

Sometimes mid scenes of deepest gloom, sometimes where Eden’s bowers bloom.  By waters still, o’er troubled sea, still ‘tis His hand that leadeth me.

He leadeth me, He leadeth me, by His Own hand He leadeth me;

His faithful follower I would be, for by His hand He leadeth me. 

 

451169923-e1435009806423-767x349

 

These Words

Last night I was helping Aaron turn down his covers as he got ready for bed.  Sometimes there is a moment that is especially poignant with Aaron.  A moment that hits me in a profound way…..in a way that causes me to remember where we were and what we were doing when the moment occurred.  The night before, Aaron….for whatever reason…..was very groggy and dizzy, with slurred speech and unsteady legs.  He was still trying to talk, but with great effort.

Last night, though, Aaron was his usual chipper self.   We were going through his bedtime routine as he talked and talked and talked.  He brushed his teeth, swished his mouthwash, helped me set up our diffuser – which means he poured in the water, checked the name of the oil, and took a little tentative sniff – watched as I turned on the baby monitor we use to listen for seizures, made sure I picked out his clothes for the next day and that they were on the back of his desk chair, put his back scratcher and hand towel on the seat of his chair, blinds lowered, desk clock turned around so the light doesn’t bother him, glasses put just where they belong, wrist watch put right beside his glasses, shoes in front of the closet, stuffed animals precisely in place in his bed, covers pulled up, and animal print blanket put on top of the bed exactly right and with no wrinkles.  It’s a process…..done precisely….or we must re-do the process until precision is reached.

It was when we were standing beside his bed, me on one side and Aaron on the other….pulling up his covers…..that Aaron said this:

“Mom, guess what Shauna is getting?”

Shauna is one of his friends at his day group, Paradigm.

“I don’t know,” I replied.  “What is Shauna getting?”

“She’s getting a NEW wheelchair!” Aaron answered.

Aaron had no idea of the impact of his simple answer to my question, and of the many thoughts that cascaded through my mind in a split second.  He just kept talking.

“I told her she should get a PINK one!!” he exclaimed, and then laughed at the thought of a pink wheelchair.

We smoothed his animal print blanket then.  He was finished with pink wheelchairs and had moved on to his bedtime log book…..his notebook in which he writes down the exact time he gets in bed and the exact time the next morning that he gets out of bed.

10:22.

That’s the time he wrote.

So was it 10:22 when Aaron spoke of Shauna’s wheelchair?  Or 10:21?  That fact would be important to Aaron.

But all I knew, after our goodnight hug and after I had turned out his light, is that my 33 year old son was happy about his friend’s new wheelchair.  That was nice of him.  But…..

Aaron wasn’t talking about his friend’s new car.  Or new job.  Or new house.

He was talking with pleasure about her new wheelchair……because his friends have special needs, like he does…..and a new wheelchair is indeed a big deal.

But as Aaron’s mother, this comment from him somehow yanked open that little door in my heart that I try to keep closed.  I try to keep it closed because I don’t want to hurt for him or for his friends.  I want to see his life as a wonderful thing, and it truly is!

But the reality of his life…..and the lives of his day group friends…..is far different from your typical 33 year old young man. Most young men Aaron’s age would be talking about new cars.  Aaron was talking about new wheelchairs.

I’m so happy that he was happy for Shauna.  But my momma heart got a deeper little crack in it last night.

I haven’t been writing lately.  I’ve just been very burdened about lots of issues.  Life goes in cycles like that, you know.  As a Christ follower, I know to be careful during those down seasons.  It’s very easy to be consumed with the here and now, and with all my own worries…..not to mention the serious concerns for some in my family and some of my friends…..and even our great country.

So I’ve asked God to do what I have often in the past asked Him to do, and that is to give me some extra special assurance from His Word.  And God did just that a few days ago.  He gave me a sweet message from His Word, ABOUT His Word.

WP_20170929_13_19_25_Pro

It’s from Isaiah 8.  Israel was facing dark times, and so God told them lots of truths about how they were to behave, how they were to act, Whom they were to obey and to fear, and even warned them about seeking answers from mediums and fortune tellers.

And then in verse 20, God said to Israel:  “To the teaching!  And to the testimony!”

That’s it?

Yes, that’s it!

That’s EVERYTHING!

Where do I need to go when I’m overwhelmed with burdens…..with darkness…..with struggles…..?

Where do I go when the reality of Aaron’s life makes my heart sad?

To a book?  To a person?  To an activity?  To food?  To entertainment?

NO!

To the teaching!  To the testimony!

In other words, to God’s Word.  Staying in my Bible.  Reading it with purpose, asking God to open His Word to me and give me direction….this is where I need to go.

Dale Ralph Davis, in his book Stump Kingdom, says it so well:

“Only the light of the written word will carry us through the darkness of our times.  This holds true whether the ‘times’ are dark historical times, dark personal times, or even the end of our present time.”

Davis then told about Robert Bruce, an old minister in the Kirk of Edinburgh, who on the day he died asked his daughter to set his finger on the last two verses of Romans 8:  “I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

“These words – that is always the Christian’s slogan.  Only in the teaching and the testimony is there light and help and anchorage.  The Christian is the man or woman who wades through the affairs of life always saying: ‘Set my finger on these words.’”

Wades through the affairs of life……the unexplainable, the sad, the hard, the heavy.

I must wade through it all with my finger on God’s Word.  No other substitute will give me the peace and the comfort that I will find as I read what God says to me in His Word.

I can’t tell you why Aaron has special needs.  I won’t say it doesn’t hurt, sometimes more than others.

WP_20170512_16_26_43_Pro

But let me tell you about God.  Let me tell you about His love.  Let me tell you that He is sovereign.  Let me tell you what He has written.

“To the teaching!  And to the testimony!”