A few weeks ago, Aaron had an incident at his day group. He got mad at another client there, lost his temper, and ended up being pushed down. As a result, a nose piece on his glasses got a little bent. As soon as we could, I took Aaron to our vision center to have his glasses fixed.
Knowing that Aaron greatly enjoys telling everyone all the juicy details of these happenings, I paused to talk to him before we went inside. I told him that no one needed to know all about how his nose piece got bent. It’s hard to explain without making him or the other young man or his day group look bad.
Aaron agreed.
I was not convinced.
As soon as we were seated at the table, Aaron took off his glasses for the technician. She immediately saw the bent nose piece. But Aaron could not stop himself from giving at least some form of explanation.
“My place in Wichita went out of order,” he flatly said.
She was confused but made no comment, only smiled.
I was holding in a belly laugh.
And Aaron strikes again with his hilarious and unique way of explaining things, I thought.
It wasn’t until sometime later that it hit me. Aaron had made the perfect explanation of how he sees his new role as Uncle Aaron.
His place in our family went out of order.
Order is what Aaron craves in his life. But it must be the order that Aaron mandates. Anyone who disrupts that order is the object of Aaron’s anger.
Aaron’s nephew, Ryker, has disrupted Aaron’s ordered life. Aaron’s normal has been upended now that Ryker and Andrea and Kyle live here.
When the three of them are at our house, Aaron’s mood often becomes confrontational and angry. He makes comments about how we don’t love him anymore or don’t love him as much as we love Ryker. Or he gets angry at Kyle for whatever reason.
Aaron has had us to himself for years. This sharing business is a monumental adjustment for him.
Autism is so tricky…so very hard to understand sometimes. A lot of times.
Or we understand it on paper but when behaviors affect our joy and our emotions then it’s, quite honestly, maddening.
This is how I look at it. When we see Aaron having a seizure, we understand what is happening. We feel concern and empathy for Aaron. We want to help him and be sure that he is cared for and safe.
However, when we see Aaron’s autism at play, it usually involves some sort of behavior from him. Sometimes he can be funny or uniquely amazing, but there are also plenty of times that he is disruptive, angry, unreasonable…I’ll stop there. You get the picture.
When he is seizing, we stay with him until the seizure is over. We would never tell him to stop seizing. He can’t, of course.
When he is having an autistic episode of anger or frustration, we try to talk to him…to tell him to stop…to get him to listen to reason. But he usually can’t, any more than he can stop a seizure.
But that fact is hard to grasp in the middle of everyone’s high emotions.
When special needs affect behaviors, it is very difficult to have the same level of compassion that we have when there is only a physical effect, such as a seizure. That’s because behaviors affect others around the person so personally. Our emotions get involved because we are frustrated, hurt, angry ourselves, disappointed, and the list goes on.
Aaron reacts to his environment very strongly. His environment has been turned upside down by the addition of his nephew into his life, as well as his sister and brother-in-law.
All of this makes me think of that old Tina Turner song: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”
Nothing, to Aaron. Not when his world is out of order.
It’s not all bad, though. Aaron has sweet moments, and we relish those.
A few nights ago, he wanted Ryker to sit on his bed before they left. He gave Ryker a necklace of his and laughed in delight at how happy that made Ryker. Then Aaron ran downstairs to tell Kyle he was sorry for being mean to him earlier.
Yesterday, Aaron walked outside with Andrea and Ryker.
Aaron was more patient with everyone and didn’t attempt to be the only one talking all during our lunch.
“Was I good when Andrea and Kyle were here, Mom?” he asked me last night.
He’s so childlike at these times and my heart really goes out to him.
Our prayer is that Uncle Aaron will learn to be secure in his place in our family; to develop a relationship with Ryker as well as Kyle; and to know that he is greatly loved.
And to someday know that his world is not out of order but is instead in a very wonderful order!
He Said What?! 