Month: March 2023

Needless Struggles

Early one morning I heard a soft pecking sound.  I was downstairs when I heard it.  I thought it was coming from outside, so I opened the door but didn’t see anything.  Still the sound persisted. 

I went upstairs, where I heard it again.  I went into one of our bedrooms and found the source.  Here was the culprit.

This isn’t the first time we have had this happen.  A female cardinal has done this over the years on occasion.  Research has shown us that there are several possible reasons for this behavior.  Females are very territorial, especially at this time of year when they are nesting.  She may see her reflection in the window and thinks she sees another bird, so she might be trying to chase it away.  Or she may see the reflection of the tree behind her in the window and might be wanting to check it out as a nesting site.

But the reasons for this silly bird’s actions are not the reasons for this blog.

I had fun showing Aaron our little cardinal as she pecked on our window repeatedly.

That night after we had prayed, Aaron came into my bedroom.

“Mom,” he said, “you should have prayed, ‘And help the woman cardinal’s head to not hurt.’  😊

Our little confused cardinal has also interrupted my quiet mornings in our family room, and in our living room as well. 

She is one determined little bird!

But I’ve thought of how useless her struggles are, when right behind her is a tree full of available branches for nesting.  There are also bushes all around that area.

And how her possible fears of another bird in her territory are nonsense.  Little does she know or realize that she is truly wasting precious time and energy as she flies into the windows, and pecks and pecks at nothing.

But oh dear, I am so much like that little “woman cardinal,” as Aaron said.

I struggle with myself over God’s leading in my life more than I care to admit.  Years ago, when Gary was retiring from the military, we tried and tried to move near our extended families.  However, no jobs at all were opening up for him.  The only feasible job…the best opportunity…and the one that God kept leading us to as we prayed…is far away from where we hoped to live.

And now here we are, with two of our adult children living far away from US…one to the north and the other to the south, along with our precious new grandson.  And we have Aaron, who is a huge reason that we are tied to staying where we are with great services and medical care here. 

BUT…we did pray for God’s leading many years ago…and we did see Him lead us here. 

BUT…because here isn’t always easy…how do I react?

Isaiah spoke to God’s people about how they depended on themselves instead of depending on God to protect them.  God led them to their land centuries earlier, and to the city He chose for them.

Jerusalem was that city. 

But Jerusalem had a huge feature that left them vulnerable to their enemies.

Their water supply was from the spring of Gihon, outside the city walls.  With their human ingenuity, the inhabitants built a conduit to keep water flowing into the city.  But then they developed an attitude of pride and trust in their accomplishment as they ignored God. 

They had become focused on how to solve their water problem without depending on God.

Did God not know that Jerusalem’s location had this weakness…this problem?

Of course He knew!

Did God make a mistake when He led them there?

No!

“Did He not knowingly choose a city with a vulnerable water supply so that living in His city actually required an attitude and commitment of faith that what He thus chose He would also Himself safeguard?”  (Alec Motyer)

How about me?  You?

Am I like that little cardinal, trying for a better situation or a safer location than the one to which God has led me?

“….it is a sin to depart from a position of simple, uncomplicated, trustful faith, and to replace it with man-made devices and securities.  Where the Lord has made promises our calling is to trust that He will keep His word, and to pray, and look to Him that He will do so.”   (Alec Motyer)

I look around me, at friends and family and others that come across my path.

It doesn’t make sense that a spouse died and left his wife widowed far too soon.

That cancer took a daughter, a wife with young children, after so many prayers and hopes for healing.

That a mother collapsed and died so suddenly.

That a family is reeling from years of caring for their young son who is fighting cancer after multiple amputations.

You know the stories.

You have your own.

Recently my cousin and his wife, David and Cindy, left me with these verses that have filled them with great hope at this time in their lives.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.”   (Proverbs 3:5-6)

David was recently put on hospice care as his cancer is no longer responding to treatments.  Yet he can say, “It’s often so hard to make sense of what God is up to, but we must keep trusting, keep persevering.”

And from Cindy, “…all these trials are used by God in shaping us and growing our faith to His glory!  We are not alone.  Hebrews 13:5 – I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

What a testimony of trust and faith they are to so many!

Oh little “woman cardinal,” you do not need to struggle so to find a better tree or to fight an imaginary enemy!

And oh, dear one today, if you know Christ and follow Him then trust that where He leads you is where He will supply your every need and fulfill His perfect plan for your life. 

You do not need to struggle, acting as if God has made mistakes in your life.

Be still, my soul

The Lord is on thy side

Bear patiently

The cross of grief or pain

Leave to thy God

To order and provide

In every change

He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul

Thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways

Leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul

Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future

As he has the past

Thy hope, thy confidence

Let nothing shake

All now mysterious

Shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul

The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled

Them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul

The hour is hastening on

When we shall be

Forever with the Lord

When disappointment grief

And fear are gone

Sorrow forgot, love’s

Purest joys restored

Be still, my soul

When change and tears are past

All safe and blessed

We shall meet at last.

Not Your Average Dog

I just wanted to share some smiles from our Grand-Dog.  Most of my Facebook friends have seen these pictures at some point but I wanted to share them on my blog as well.

Siggy is a beautiful and feisty Husky that our daughter and son-in-law rescued.  He is full of life and mischievousness. 

But his most amazing “skill” is this:

Can you spot him?

Yes, he climbs this tree in their back yard, determined to one day catch a squirrel.

He’s so funny! 

Never a dull moment with Siggy!

Oddballs

I want to start this blog by sharing with you a picture I took recently. 

OK.  You might be wondering what on earth these little balls are and why they are worthy of a picture.

Let me begin to explain by showing you another picture.

Many of you might recognize that this second picture is a bowl of Good and Plenty candies.  Aaron loves Good and Plentys.  He always pours his treats into a bowl and eats them one by one, usually while he sits in his favorite chair as we watch a show at night.

One recent morning I walked through the family room and saw little balls on the shelf of the end table beside Aaron’s chair.  I knew right away what they were.  Those little balls in that first picture are Good and Plenty candies.

BUT those little round candies are not oblong shaped as good Good and Plenty candy should be.  Therefore, to Aaron, they are unacceptable. 

They are oddballs.

And oddball candy is not to be eaten, at least not by Aaron.

Same candy…different shape…not allowed.

I absolutely love seeing such tangible pictures of the fascinating way that Aaron’s mind works.  This is classic evidence of the structured world that Aaron desires. 

Classic autistic behavior.

Look how he even set the pink candy in its own place, not in the row with the white ones.  Again, order is important.

Aaron can usually control the structure in his world when it involves food, silverware, blankets on his bed, when to turn the television off at precisely the correct moment, watching the credits at the end of a show, and on and on.

Unfortunately, Aaron’s desire that his world be carefully monitored for his own personal satisfaction runs into a problem.  The problem is that living breathing people with feelings don’t always fit into Aaron’s normal.

In other words, people can be like those defective candies. 

Oddballs.

But Aaron cannot set human beings aside into neat little rows when they don’t fit into his definition of acceptable.

He also cannot always keep his thoughts and frustrations about oddballs to himself.

Like the day years ago that he and I were eating lunch with someone Aaron didn’t remember, but she knew Aaron and was so excited to see him.  So excited that she kept leaning toward him to talk very happily with her exuberant voice and with her eyes very big. 

He finally leaned toward her from across the booth, opened his eyes as wide as he could, and exclaimed, “DON’T DO THIS!!!”

Oh dear.  I was so embarrassed.  This person works with special needs, and she understood, though she was taken aback.  But I knew that Aaron was getting very uncomfortable, so it was like watching a train building up steam before a wreck.

Then there was the time that we went with Aaron to parent night at his school.  He was to introduce us to each of his teachers.  At the last classroom, while waiting in the hall, we wondered why Aaron was beyond excited for us to meet this teacher.  We soon found out why.  She had a very pronounced spiked hairstyle, which Aaron found to be extremely interesting…odd, you might say.

“MOM!!  DAD!!  This is ______.  She looks like a HEDGEHOG, doesn’t she?!”

Well, well.

Gary and I were humiliated (although Aaron had a point 😊).  We immediately corrected him, and the teacher was immediately angry with Aaron…and it was not the finest of our parenting moments.

We have our times here at home, too, when Aaron sees us for the oddballs we are to him and he lets us know it. 

When one of us is talking to Aaron about something more serious and we change the shape of our eyes: “DON’T SQUINT YOUR EYES!!”

When I was talking to him one day and made a stirring motion with my hand, which upset him.  I asked why.  “I just see things you do are weird.”

When I was singing funny and could tell he didn’t like it, so I told him I was just having some fun: “I don’t like your fun.”

When I sniff and he is afraid that I’m upset: “ARE YOU CRYING???”  He really can’t handle crying from other people, especially me.

There are many more examples that I could include, but you get the idea. 

And if you hang around Aaron long enough you have a very decent chance of becoming an oddball, too.

But don’t worry.  You will be in good company.

Aaron, after seeing a picture of Shakespeare: “Shakespeare didn’t dress perfectly.  He dressed weird!”

As for Einstein in another picture seen by Aaron: “He has WEIRD hair!”

Maybe being an oddball isn’t such a bad thing after all, right?

God Sees When I Cannot

Here was Aaron yesterday morning:

No, he didn’t have a seizure.  He was just having a very hard time waking up to start his day.  It takes patience and wisdom on my part to deal with him when he wants to sleep late.  Sleepy Aaron is almost always grouchy Aaron.

A scenario like this isn’t life changing.  But lately, Aaron has been unsettled and extra-easily upset.  Is it the new little member of our family that he is struggling to accept?  Is he trying to establish his place of importance at home and at his day group?  Side effects of the meds he takes?  Or just the way his autistic brain functions in our world which is not always his world?

Probably some of all the above.

It’s been wearing on Gary and me lately.  Tiring.

I walked back to my desk after several treks into Aaron’s room. 

It hit me how crazy it is that at my age I am still actively parenting our son.  This is not at all how I ever imagined my life would be.

Don’t get me wrong.  I realize how very blessed I am in so many ways. 

But some days I wonder…

It’s easy to get mired down in the stress and frustrations, to the point that I lose sight of the path.

I feel much like Job, which I just read that morning.

          “Behold, I go forward but He is not there,

          And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;

          When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him;

          He turns on the right, I cannot see Him.”  (Job 23:8-9)

It’s not just the path that I lose sight of.  Sometimes it’s God Himself that I cannot see.

Our emotions have a way of doing that to us. 

Our disappointments can blind us to God in our everyday lives.

BUT!!!

          “BUT He knows the way that I take…”  (Job 23:10)

I may lose sight of God in front of me or behind me…to my left or to my right.

BUT…God knows the way I take!

God hasn’t lost sight of me!

That word “knows” in Hebrew means “designates.”

The word “way” means the “course of life.”

God has designated the course of my life. 

God IS love and I know deep in my heart that His every plan for me is designed and wrapped in His love for me.

God also knows that I am but human…weak…questioning…fearful…sometimes angry.

Questions come easily when I am vulnerable.

Why does Aaron have to suffer?

Could You not have found another way to grow me, Lord?

If I allow myself to keep going down those paths, though, I will soon be off the path that God has for me.

That’s never a good place to be.

I need to be like Job, who in all his terrible suffering still said:

          “My foot has held fast to His path;

          I have kept His way and have not turned aside.

          I have not departed from the command of His lips;

          I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my

          necessary food.”   (Job 23:11-12)

Some days and many moments I don’t FEEL like I am holding fast to God or treasuring the words of His mouth.

But deep, deep in my heart I know that I do desire God’s will and God’s way.

We all go through the tough times, don’t we?  Some are brief.  Too many are prolonged…lifelong.

Oh God, show us every day that even when we can’t see You…You see us!

You appoint our path, hard as it often is.

Because in the hard is where we do more clearly see Your hand.

We feel your breath upon our faces as we wait before You, drying our tears and strengthening our failing hearts.

Then may we be able to say with Job:

          “When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.”