Category: Faith

Waiting Slow

This past Christmas, with all the craziness going on in our family surrounding our daughter and son-in-law’s move to our town, we had to delay our family Christmas until the middle of January.  When we told Aaron that we would be having Christmas in January, he replied in his matter-of-fact way.

“But we open presents on December 25th,” he stated.

“Well, yes, we usually do but this year no one will be here on that day,” I replied.

We had this conversation several times over the next few days.  Finally, we came to a compromise.  Aaron would open two presents on Christmas day and save the rest for our family celebration in January.  

Christmas morning (the REAL Christmas morning) came.  Aaron was very excited about opening his two gifts.  Gary and I were relishing our slow, relaxed morning.  However, Aaron was not on the same page as we were.

Finally, his patience was wearing thin.  He told me to get ready so he could open his two Christmas presents.  I told him to wait and not rush me.

“Mom!!” he said, “why do you want me to wait slow?!”

I’ve thought about his description of waiting slow.  I think we all have situations in life that seem like they’re dragging on forever.  Times that we seem stuck with no answers…no way out.

We wonder why God is silent…or at least He seems to be.  

“God, I’ve prayed and prayed about this.  Why do You want me to wait slow for Your answer?”

But sometimes the waiting slow IS God’s answer.  For in the place of waiting, God has so much to teach us.

The Apostle Paul knew this truth.  In his second letter to the Corinthian church, he told the believers there that he had been so burdened and afflicted that he despaired for his life.  He was beyond any remaining strength.  He felt the sentence of death within himself.

Why?  

Why would God allow such a faithful servant of Paul to endure this prolonged suffering?  Well, Paul tells us why.

“…so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God Who raises the dead…He on Whom we have set our hope.”   (II Corinthians 1:9-10)

When God puts His children in life’s waiting rooms, He has a good purpose in mind for us.  

It is in the waiting that we see our need for God.

It is in the waiting that we learn a deeper trust.

It is in the waiting that we learn to praise God despite our suffering.

And it is in the waiting that we learn where to place our hope.

I talked not long ago to a husband who is caring for his wife with Alzheimer’s.  They are far too young to be enduring this sadness.  Yet his attitude was one of surrender to God’s plan instead of what his plan had been for their retirement years.  He sees his care for her as the ministry that God has for him at this time in his life.  He has learned where to place his hope.

There is a dear family here whose husband/dad has been on the heart transplant list but since he has had some strokes, he is no longer eligible for transplant.  It was a gut punch.  But God did open the door for him to be transferred to the #1 rehab hospital in the country.  After being rejected by so many other rehab hospitals, God opened this one at just the right time.  His wife said, “I am thankful for the prayers that God chooses to answer differently from what I expect.  It’s just learning to continue to have the faith that He knows what He is doing.”  In waiting slow, she has learned a deeper trust.

The point is, when we are waiting slow it’s so important not to place our hope in whatever answer we want from God, but instead to place our hope in God Himself.  

He will do what is best, in His time.  We can trust Him to do that!

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord.”  (Psalm 27:14)

Complaining in the Rain

It’s been terribly dry here in Kansas for way too long.  The wells out in our “used-to-be-country” neighborhood are running very low.  Some have dried up.  Some of the ponds used for cattle are just puddles now.  And the wheat crop is predicted to be the poorest in 60 years.

Therefore, I was happy to hear a low rumble of thunder early this morning.  As I sat on our patio and finished my quiet time, the sky began to darken.  I was very thankful for the rain that began to fall.  It was a gift from God!

Aaron was out of bed not long after and he sat with me to enjoy the rain as well.  Soon we were both ready to head out the door for our Meals on Wheels delivery.  The once gentle rain was now a downpour.

“Well,” I told Aaron, “we really need this rain so I’m not going to complain about it.”

We picked up our meals, loading them into the van as the rain came down and our clothes began to get wet.  At our first house, I opened the side van door and bagged the food.  Rain was a cold presence on the back of my shirt as I tried to lean in the van.  Aaron had already run to the client’s door, so I juggled the bag of food and my large umbrella, getting even wetter.

We chatted a minute with our friend, Aaron crunched in the corner of the small porch under a tiny awning and me under the umbrella.  Rain washed over us again as we got in the van, feet now soaked from the standing water.

As we backed out of the driveway, I happily made a little rhyme.

“Oh, the rain is a pain but I’m not going to complain!” I sang to Aaron.

Amazingly, he tolerated my silliness and off we went to the next house.  More rain, this time with some mud from the unpaved road as well as huge drops of water landing on us under the very low hanging branches at her uncovered door…branches that caught my umbrella and made it useless.

“This is great!” I exclaimed as we handed her the food.  “We do need the rain!  See you next week!”

By the fifth house, the rain was coming down even harder.  We ran up the wheelchair ramp, where our client was already at her door.  She was taking the dog bones that Aaron handed her for her two dogs.  I handed her the rather soggy bag of food and asked her how she was doing.

“I’m doing just fine,” she said, her face glowing with peace as she sat there in her wheelchair.  

She looked then at Aaron.

“Thank you so much for the dog bones,” she told him.  “My dogs love you for that.”

Aaron beamed.  Then she handed him one of the bones so that he could give it to her rambunctious dog himself.   She smiled as much as Aaron as he so excitedly watched the dog eat his bone.  

“Thank you and God bless you,” she said as we turned to leave.  I noticed how pretty she looked…how content despite her situation.  

At the next house we got to see our friend who had a serious fall a couple months ago.  She has been in the hospital and in rehab, and today was the first time we have been able to see her since her accident.  

Her smile was huge as she greeted us.  I wanted to talk about how she is doing but she wanted to focus on Aaron, hearing all about his recent seizure fall.  I finally managed to ask about how she’s doing, and she too said that she was getting along fine as she downplayed all that she has been through.  She is a sweet believer, and her joy is evident.

My joy was getting harder to muster as we went once more out into the rain.

“Whew!” I said, “I’m getting tired of this rain.”

“But I’m glad we’re getting the rain,” I quickly added as I remembered my earlier determination to be thankful.

My heart felt that little pinch of the Holy Spirit reminding me of just how much this morning is a picture of my life.

Oh, it’s easy to be all spiritual and thankful while I’m sitting on the patio, protected from the rains of life.  I can be an observer and have all the answers with all the right verses and attitudes as long as I’m not actually getting wet.

But let me step out into the storm and see what happens.  Getting wet and cold and muddy can quickly begin to take a toll on my patio attitude.  Soon I’m not so thankful for the rain that I had earlier said I needed.

The splashing of life’s trials has a way of diminishing my once-strong faith.

I feel cold.  Tired. 

And the path can make my feet muddy.  

Misery sets in, no matter how much I said I needed this weather sent from God.

No matter how much I quote Romans 8:28.

And while I may not be actively shaking my fist at God, I find that the flame of faith and joy in my heart is flickering in the rain.

It’s difficult to stay strong and positive in the downpours, especially prolonged storms that have no foreseen solution or resolve.

Honestly, I have been struggling some with Aaron issues over the past few months. Feeling discouraged more than I should.

“Lord!  I know I said that I need whatever you send, and that I can trust you.  But I’m getting tired and wet and muddy and uncomfortable!”

Yet the Lord, in His patience, used my experience this morning to prod my heart.  

And He used the most surprising people to touch my soggy spirit…people who have every reason to be extremely tired of the rains in their lives.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! 

 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men.  The Lord is near.  

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-7

Two Plates

Yesterday we picked up some Mexican food for lunch.  Aaron loves to watch a show while we eat, so he busied himself with getting his lunch spot ready while I was in the kitchen.  I walked into the family room and saw these two plates on the floor beside his ottoman.  

Most people would wonder why Aaron needed two plates since part of his food was already in a container.  But I know Aaron and I know that he must put his food and even his food container on a plate.  It’s a small price for me to pay in order to have Aaron content and happy.  I knew that on one plate he would place his container of nachos, and on the second plate he would place his tacos.  

More importantly, Aaron knew what would go on those two plates.  He had plans for those plates, even if no one else knew or understood his plate’s purposes.  Though empty, in Aaron’s mind those plates were already full of his lunch food.

I was reminded of Aaron’s plates this morning as I read Joshua 17:14-18.  Joshua had been assigning the land of Israel to the 12 tribes.  Ephraim and Manasseh complained, though, that the land they were given wasn’t large enough.  Joshua told them to clear out the forested land, then, to give themselves more room.  

“Oh, but the Canaanites who live there have chariots of iron,” Ephraim and Manasseh said.

“Then you shall drive them out,” replied Joshua, “even though they have chariots of iron and though they are strong.”

You see, the real problem with these two tribes of Joseph was that they did not trust God’s adequacy to meet their need.  They were focused on the strong chariots instead of on their strong God.

The same God who had said, “When you go out to battle against your enemies and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt, is with you.”   (Deuteronomy 20:1)

It’s like they had Aaron’s two empty plates but didn’t trust that God had all they needed to fill the plates.

They needed to step out in obedience and then watch God give them victory.

“…we will see little of His power until we venture out into the way of obedience; until we trust His promise enough to walk in it.”   (Dale Ralph Davis)

I looked at Aaron’s empty plates laying there on the floor and knew exactly what he was doing.

So may I also place my empty plates down and trust God to fill them with all that He knows I need for each day…each decision…each trial…each heartache. 

“Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”   (Hebrews 4:16)

Be Still IN the Jordan

I remember teaching prepositions to our children years ago as we homeschooled.  I wanted them to understand not only what a preposition was, but to also grasp the huge difference that a preposition made in our speech and our writing.  Therefore, my instruction went something like this:

“Let’s get IN the car.  Not under the car…behind the car…by the car…near the car…on the car…but IN the car.”

Why am I talking about prepositions?  

Because the little preposition ‘IN’ jumped out at me recently IN Joshua 3:8.

God had led the children of Israel to the promised land.  Not just TO the promised land, but now they were IN the land.  

Yet a huge obstacle stood in their way.  The Jordan River stood between them and the land that God had promised them.  

Now typically, crossing the Jordan River wouldn’t have been such a big deal.  But God chose to have the Israelites cross the Jordan during flood stage.  

A little geography lesson might help us grasp just how difficult this crossing was.  As Dale Davis says, “…the river helps one to appreciate the miracle.”

The river’s floodplain between the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea is packed with tangled brush and jungle growth.  Crossing the river during flood stage was extremely dangerous, not only because of the raging current but because of the jungle growth underneath the water that would entangle you.  

As I was reading about God leading the Israelites to go over the Jordan in Joshua 3, a phrase in verse 8 jumped off the page and right into my heart.  God told the priests:

“…when you come to the edge of the waters of the Jordan, you shall stand still IN the Jordan.”

God didn’t tell the priests to be still near the Jordan…beside the Jordan…at the Jordan…but IN the Jordan.

I have written before about Psalm 46:10, my mother’s favorite verse.  In fact, I have her framed copy of that wonderful reminder to “Be still and know that I am God.”

Be still.  Quit striving.  And know that God is God.

That’s the only knowledge we need as we walk through this life.  

Sometimes God leads us right into the flood.  We feel helpless and scared…maybe confused and bitter.

But this is where our trust in God can and should grow, even as the flood swirls around us and the undergrowth attempts to pull us under.

What is your Jordan today?  

“Perhaps He brings us into impossible circumstances, situations so bleak and hopeless, for the purpose of impressing upon us that if we make it through, if we endure it, if we are not overwhelmed and washed away, it will be only because of His grace and power.”   (Dale Ralph Davis)

So, be still IN your Jordan, and watch God work His best for you in that place of trust and peace.  

Needless Struggles

Early one morning I heard a soft pecking sound.  I was downstairs when I heard it.  I thought it was coming from outside, so I opened the door but didn’t see anything.  Still the sound persisted. 

I went upstairs, where I heard it again.  I went into one of our bedrooms and found the source.  Here was the culprit.

This isn’t the first time we have had this happen.  A female cardinal has done this over the years on occasion.  Research has shown us that there are several possible reasons for this behavior.  Females are very territorial, especially at this time of year when they are nesting.  She may see her reflection in the window and thinks she sees another bird, so she might be trying to chase it away.  Or she may see the reflection of the tree behind her in the window and might be wanting to check it out as a nesting site.

But the reasons for this silly bird’s actions are not the reasons for this blog.

I had fun showing Aaron our little cardinal as she pecked on our window repeatedly.

That night after we had prayed, Aaron came into my bedroom.

“Mom,” he said, “you should have prayed, ‘And help the woman cardinal’s head to not hurt.’  😊

Our little confused cardinal has also interrupted my quiet mornings in our family room, and in our living room as well. 

She is one determined little bird!

But I’ve thought of how useless her struggles are, when right behind her is a tree full of available branches for nesting.  There are also bushes all around that area.

And how her possible fears of another bird in her territory are nonsense.  Little does she know or realize that she is truly wasting precious time and energy as she flies into the windows, and pecks and pecks at nothing.

But oh dear, I am so much like that little “woman cardinal,” as Aaron said.

I struggle with myself over God’s leading in my life more than I care to admit.  Years ago, when Gary was retiring from the military, we tried and tried to move near our extended families.  However, no jobs at all were opening up for him.  The only feasible job…the best opportunity…and the one that God kept leading us to as we prayed…is far away from where we hoped to live.

And now here we are, with two of our adult children living far away from US…one to the north and the other to the south, along with our precious new grandson.  And we have Aaron, who is a huge reason that we are tied to staying where we are with great services and medical care here. 

BUT…we did pray for God’s leading many years ago…and we did see Him lead us here. 

BUT…because here isn’t always easy…how do I react?

Isaiah spoke to God’s people about how they depended on themselves instead of depending on God to protect them.  God led them to their land centuries earlier, and to the city He chose for them.

Jerusalem was that city. 

But Jerusalem had a huge feature that left them vulnerable to their enemies.

Their water supply was from the spring of Gihon, outside the city walls.  With their human ingenuity, the inhabitants built a conduit to keep water flowing into the city.  But then they developed an attitude of pride and trust in their accomplishment as they ignored God. 

They had become focused on how to solve their water problem without depending on God.

Did God not know that Jerusalem’s location had this weakness…this problem?

Of course He knew!

Did God make a mistake when He led them there?

No!

“Did He not knowingly choose a city with a vulnerable water supply so that living in His city actually required an attitude and commitment of faith that what He thus chose He would also Himself safeguard?”  (Alec Motyer)

How about me?  You?

Am I like that little cardinal, trying for a better situation or a safer location than the one to which God has led me?

“….it is a sin to depart from a position of simple, uncomplicated, trustful faith, and to replace it with man-made devices and securities.  Where the Lord has made promises our calling is to trust that He will keep His word, and to pray, and look to Him that He will do so.”   (Alec Motyer)

I look around me, at friends and family and others that come across my path.

It doesn’t make sense that a spouse died and left his wife widowed far too soon.

That cancer took a daughter, a wife with young children, after so many prayers and hopes for healing.

That a mother collapsed and died so suddenly.

That a family is reeling from years of caring for their young son who is fighting cancer after multiple amputations.

You know the stories.

You have your own.

Recently my cousin and his wife, David and Cindy, left me with these verses that have filled them with great hope at this time in their lives.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.”   (Proverbs 3:5-6)

David was recently put on hospice care as his cancer is no longer responding to treatments.  Yet he can say, “It’s often so hard to make sense of what God is up to, but we must keep trusting, keep persevering.”

And from Cindy, “…all these trials are used by God in shaping us and growing our faith to His glory!  We are not alone.  Hebrews 13:5 – I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

What a testimony of trust and faith they are to so many!

Oh little “woman cardinal,” you do not need to struggle so to find a better tree or to fight an imaginary enemy!

And oh, dear one today, if you know Christ and follow Him then trust that where He leads you is where He will supply your every need and fulfill His perfect plan for your life. 

You do not need to struggle, acting as if God has made mistakes in your life.

Be still, my soul

The Lord is on thy side

Bear patiently

The cross of grief or pain

Leave to thy God

To order and provide

In every change

He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul

Thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways

Leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul

Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future

As he has the past

Thy hope, thy confidence

Let nothing shake

All now mysterious

Shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul

The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled

Them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul

The hour is hastening on

When we shall be

Forever with the Lord

When disappointment grief

And fear are gone

Sorrow forgot, love’s

Purest joys restored

Be still, my soul

When change and tears are past

All safe and blessed

We shall meet at last.

God Sees When I Cannot

Here was Aaron yesterday morning:

No, he didn’t have a seizure.  He was just having a very hard time waking up to start his day.  It takes patience and wisdom on my part to deal with him when he wants to sleep late.  Sleepy Aaron is almost always grouchy Aaron.

A scenario like this isn’t life changing.  But lately, Aaron has been unsettled and extra-easily upset.  Is it the new little member of our family that he is struggling to accept?  Is he trying to establish his place of importance at home and at his day group?  Side effects of the meds he takes?  Or just the way his autistic brain functions in our world which is not always his world?

Probably some of all the above.

It’s been wearing on Gary and me lately.  Tiring.

I walked back to my desk after several treks into Aaron’s room. 

It hit me how crazy it is that at my age I am still actively parenting our son.  This is not at all how I ever imagined my life would be.

Don’t get me wrong.  I realize how very blessed I am in so many ways. 

But some days I wonder…

It’s easy to get mired down in the stress and frustrations, to the point that I lose sight of the path.

I feel much like Job, which I just read that morning.

          “Behold, I go forward but He is not there,

          And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;

          When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him;

          He turns on the right, I cannot see Him.”  (Job 23:8-9)

It’s not just the path that I lose sight of.  Sometimes it’s God Himself that I cannot see.

Our emotions have a way of doing that to us. 

Our disappointments can blind us to God in our everyday lives.

BUT!!!

          “BUT He knows the way that I take…”  (Job 23:10)

I may lose sight of God in front of me or behind me…to my left or to my right.

BUT…God knows the way I take!

God hasn’t lost sight of me!

That word “knows” in Hebrew means “designates.”

The word “way” means the “course of life.”

God has designated the course of my life. 

God IS love and I know deep in my heart that His every plan for me is designed and wrapped in His love for me.

God also knows that I am but human…weak…questioning…fearful…sometimes angry.

Questions come easily when I am vulnerable.

Why does Aaron have to suffer?

Could You not have found another way to grow me, Lord?

If I allow myself to keep going down those paths, though, I will soon be off the path that God has for me.

That’s never a good place to be.

I need to be like Job, who in all his terrible suffering still said:

          “My foot has held fast to His path;

          I have kept His way and have not turned aside.

          I have not departed from the command of His lips;

          I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my

          necessary food.”   (Job 23:11-12)

Some days and many moments I don’t FEEL like I am holding fast to God or treasuring the words of His mouth.

But deep, deep in my heart I know that I do desire God’s will and God’s way.

We all go through the tough times, don’t we?  Some are brief.  Too many are prolonged…lifelong.

Oh God, show us every day that even when we can’t see You…You see us!

You appoint our path, hard as it often is.

Because in the hard is where we do more clearly see Your hand.

We feel your breath upon our faces as we wait before You, drying our tears and strengthening our failing hearts.

Then may we be able to say with Job:

          “When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” 

Grit And Glory

I hopped out of my van as I ran some errands a few days ago.  Well, hopped may be a stretch.  More like I stepped out of my van, in all honesty.

I had noticed this beautiful sky and being as I love taking sky pictures, I paused to snap a quick shot. 

I knew, though, that it probably wouldn’t be the best view because of the surroundings. 

“Nah,” I thought as I looked at the picture on my phone.  “It’s too cluttered with ugliness.”

I almost deleted it then and there but decided to look at it later and decide.

As I thought about that picture, and as I looked at it on my computer, the view reminded me of some things.

Those “not-so-pretty” poles and buildings and store sign are a lot like our lives.  I can say “our” because we all know that every person on the planet has a life that gets cluttered with “stuff.”

We wish our view could be like this picture that I took this week as well.

How gorgeous!  How impressive! 

But life isn’t picture perfect for any of us.  Life is full of grit.

Some of the hardships we handle are private.  We don’t want anyone to know about them, either because of pride or because we don’t want to bother others with our “stuff.”

Other areas of life are there for all to see.  We might try to hide our issues, or not talk about them, or hope that they’re not obvious.  But at times the junk is out there and noticeable and we are humiliated.

Whatever is going on in our lives, though, that messes up the beauty doesn’t need to consume our vision.

It is up to me to choose my focus.

And so it is with our lives.  On what am I focusing?

Better yet, on WHOM am I focusing?

            “For my eyes are toward You, O God, the Lord;

            In You I take refuge…”   (Psalm 141:8)

Oh, may we all learn to shift our eyes from our problems, our pain, our hurts, our struggles…and instead focus toward God, our refuge.

God’s character never changes even as our situations do.  His beauty is still there.

Turn from our grit to His glory.

            “My eyes are continually toward the Lord…”   (Psalm 25:15)

Baby and Uncle Aaron Update

I realize that it’s way beyond time for a baby update.  Speaking of time…where has it gone?!

Andrea will probably be admitted to the hospital this evening for an induction.  She is on blood thinner because of an autoimmune disease so in order to change and manage that medicine, her delivery had to be scheduled.  We would value your prayers for her and for their baby…our grandson!…during this process.

Aaron is up and down about being Uncle Aaron.  He is so focused on the issue that he is making himself nervous about it.  He talks and talks about being an uncle, to absolutely anyone who will listen…or who can’t help but listen as a captive audience in a check-out line, at their job, neighbors…

“I don’t WANT to be an uncle!” he declares. 

Then he listens as he is told once again that being an uncle is a fun job.  And that he will do a great job of being Uncle Aaron. 

“But I might have to change his diaper!” Aaron says.

And that has been the biggest subject of conversation for Aaron.  Changing diapers!

The nurse and staff at his day group have been so wonderful to help ease him through his diaper fixation.  Look at these pictures from this past Friday as once again the nurse let Aaron practice changing a diaper.  He’s always so excited to tell us that he passed the diaper changing test!

Added to diaper duty…which we have assured Aaron will not be required of him…is the actual trip to Texas to meet his nephew.  Aaron is not a happy traveler.  Therefore, his angst is increasing more than his excited anticipation. 

All these matters tend to muddy our own joy.

I knew this from the very beginning, though.

I knew that I would struggle with being far from Andrea during her pregnancy and during her delivery and recovery.

And especially, being too far away to meet my grandson quickly and often.

That’s why, on the very night that Andrea and Kyle told us back in May that a baby was coming, I knew that a struggle for me was ahead.

I know me very well.

The next morning, as I continued my study in I Timothy, I asked the Lord to give me a verse or a part of a verse to claim during these months…actually, years…ahead. 

God does not disappoint!

There it was!

A phrase in I Timothy 4:10 jumped right out at me and settled in my heart.

“…we have fixed our hope on the living God…”

I was so thankful!

My memorial stone was quickly written beside that verse:  Baby Kester, May 22, 2022.

How many times, when I have started down that path of wishing for things that are not to be…or I have begun to compare myself to others…or I have questioned God’s ways…this phrase has calmed and assured me.

For if I can’t trust God in this area of my life, when CAN I trust Him?

Then just last week, as I was in the book of Hebrews and reading about Moses in chapter 11, there it was again.

Verse 27:  “…Moses endures, as seeing Him who is unseen.”

Guess what the words “seeing Him” mean?

They mean that Moses’ eyes were fixed.

As in, “…we have fixed our hope on the living God.”

I was so touched that at the beginning of this grandbaby journey…and now nearing the end of the pregnancy…God once again told me to fix my eyes on Him.

This verb used in Hebrews refers to an artist whose eyes are fixed on the subject he is painting.  He focuses solely on the subject, not on the distractions around him.

Raymond Brown also points out that this word indicates a determined choice.

“Westcott says that it is used by classical writers in the sense of ‘looking from one object to another.’  We fix our eyes on the ultimate, not the immediate, on the eternal reward rather than our temporal gain.”

What I really want to get across in all of this is this:  I may be tired of my circumstances in some ways, but I am not hopeless!

I have fixed my hope on the living God!

God understands my desires and He knows my heart.

He keeps saying, “Patty!  Focus!!” as my eyes begin to wander to the distractions around me and I start to be discouraged or sad.

God is so good to me.  He understands and He does not demand perfection from me. 

Just trust, and hope.

Hope in the living God Who has a reason and a plan for every part of my life, grandbaby included.

Hope in the living God Who sent His own Son as a baby so that I could have that hope.

I hope I have happy baby news very soon!

And Aaron hopes that he really doesn’t have to change diapers!

We Need a Little Christmas?

My spirit was heavy yesterday as I went about my getting-ready-for-the-day routine.  Fresh on my mind was the night before.  Most of the day before, actually. 

Aaron.  Anger because we said no to a game.  His hovering presence as he told me not to write his name on our Christmas cards.  Escalation from him and then finally from us. 

Guilt.  Regret.  Failure.

There, in the heaviness, one of my very favorite Christmas songs came on Pandora. 

Haul out

The holly

Put up the tree

Before my spirit

Falls again

Fill up

The stocking

I may be

Rushing things

But

Deck the halls

Again now.

I’ve loved that song since I was a child.  Back then, life was simpler.  Now, putting up a tree does not really keep my spirit from falling.

The day before, Aaron and I found out that one of our dear Meals on Wheels clients had suddenly died.  His dog, Buster, was Aaron’s favorite.  As we sat in the van, talking to the man’s daughter on the phone, Aaron was as shocked as I.  He bent over and put the two dog bones he was going to give Buster back in the box.  The look on his face broke my heart.

But Santa, dear

We’re in a hurry

So climb

Down the chimney

Turn on

The brightest

String of light

I’ve ever seen

Slice up

The fruitcake

It’s time

We hung

Some tinsel

On that

Evergreen bough.

The trappings of Christmas just aren’t cutting it right now. 

Santa…lights…tinsel…definitely not fruitcake!

Not for me…not for my friend just diagnosed with breast cancer…not for our friends just home with their Speedy from yet another hospital stay…

For we need

A little music

Need

A little laughter

Need

A little singing

Ringing through

The rafter

And we need

A little snappy

“Happy ever after”

Need a little

Christmas now.

A little snappy “happy every after” is not what our friends at the funeral home needed to hear from us the other evening as they deeply grieve their son who took his life. 

The next song began playing.

O little town of Bethlehem

How still we see thee lie

Above thy deep and dreamless sleep

The silent stars go by

Yet in they dark streets shineth

The everlasting light

The hopes and fears of all the years

Are met in thee tonight

Oh holy child of Bethlehem

Descend to us we pray

Cast out our sins and enter in

Be born to us today.

Certainly not a peppy, fun song.

But there is the real light that we need!  Our hopes and our fears…our pain and sadness…our disappointments…

All are met in Him! 

Jesus came to be our Savior, not to be the afterthought of all our Christmas decorations and gifts and food.

O morning stars together

Proclaim thy holy birth

And praises sing to God the King

And peace to men on earth

O hear thy sacred angels

As faith holds wide the door

Then darkness wakes, the glory breaks

As Christmas comes once more.

Jesus was born to be the answer to all of life’s hurts…hurts that can’t be ignored even at this special time of year. 

No amount of fevered activity can relieve our sorrows.

We can’t manufacture a festive answer that truly lasts.  What are we left with when the lights are taken down…the food is eaten…the gifts are opened?

We’re left either with a hollow void waiting to be filled again with our feeble attempts at happiness.

Or we’re left with Jesus.

HE is the light of the world.  He wants to be your Savior. 

Jesus has the answers that truly last amid life’s struggles.

Thank God for His unspeakable gift, the only gift we really need. 

Photo Worthy

We just finished the Thanksgiving season with all the family gatherings, delicious food, and lots of photo opportunities.  Now the oranges and golds are being replaced by the reds and greens of Christmas.  More pictures to come, for sure!

Already our social media is brimming with the pictures that others are sharing of their Christmas decorations.  So much beauty and creativity!  I love doing that every year, sharing the warmth and glow of the season.

But the brightness all around us, even if we only see it in a photo, sure can make the other side of life seem even darker than usual.

Other’s picture-perfect moments, if compared to some of ours, seem off-the-chart wonderful…and ours.  Well, the line on our chart is going in the opposite direction.  Way down.

Several years ago, I saw this picture of Mary and Joseph after the birth of baby Jesus.  It’s probably the most accurate portrayal of the nativity that I have ever seen.

The call of God on their lives to be the earthly parents of Jesus came at a huge cost to them.  They knew that their reputations would forever be tarnished.  Gossip and judgmental stares would be their lot. 

But can you imagine the long trip to Bethlehem for the census?  The discomfort, hunger, dirt, and fear? 

Then the baby being born in an animal stable.  We don’t know for sure, but did they have help delivering baby Jesus?  How Mary must have wished for her mother to be beside her! 

Can you imagine how alone they must have felt?  No family that we know of to surround them with love and care.  No beautiful nursery ready for baby Jesus.  No comfort of a soft bed for Mary or Jesus.  No kitchen full of food, or a meal train at the ready.

Joseph and Mary submitted without reservation to God’s call on their lives.  That special call might seem sweet and incredible to us but to them I can pretty safely assume that on most days it was anything but that.

Over this past week, mixed in with all the beautiful pictures of family gatherings, I was receiving other pictures from our dear friends.

 Dan and Wendy have loved and cared for their Elijah (Speedy) for many years.  Speedy has an extremely severe form of Epilepsy.  He was hospitalized yet again during Thanksgiving, for six days.

Lots of tests.

Still, lots of unanswered questions.

Always, always there is so much love from these amazing parents for their Speedy.

But the pain…the grief…is so real. 

Raw…and deep.

Wendy and I talk a lot.  We speak the same language that comes from special needs parenting.  We can be real with each other.

We understand what Dale Davis was saying in his commentary on the book of Luke when he talked about the benediction in Hebrews 13:20-21…about the part that says may God “do in us what pleases Him.”

That part is scary because we don’t know what it is that will please God.

Can we be like Mary, though, and submit to God’s will for our lives?

“May it be done to me according to Your word,” Mary replied as she was called to be the mother of God’s Son.

“Submission is preferable to consolation, for consolation pleases us, but submission pleases God.”  (Thomas Hog, 1692)

Let that sink in.

There are so many times that I would far rather have the photo worthy moments of family and fun and excitement and adventure and beauty to be the posts of my life.

Not the incomplete family photos. 

Not the tiredness…anger…frustrations…comparisons…resentments that often accompany this special-needs life.

How about you?  What is it in your life that you feel isn’t photo worthy? 

What would you gladly trade in for a more beautiful shot?

Somehow, though, I know that God looks down on our broken and He sees the very people and things that bring Him the most glory and the most joy.

He sees way beyond this temporal into a plan for each life that goes far beyond what we will ever know on this old earth.

And that’s what is eternally photo worthy.