God’s Will – He Said What?!

The Hard Parts

Tuesday was my birthday, and an early gift for me that morning was that Aaron got out of bed much earlier than the day before. Why is that a gift? It’s a gift because having to wake Aaron up to get his day going often brings anger from him, but if he gets out of bed on his own it usually comes with a far improved mood…from BOTH of us!

Aaron’s bedtime logbook that he faithfully fills out every day shows that he got out of bed at 7:16. Not 7:15. 7:16. I just wanted to be sure that I was clear on that point, since Aaron is forever and always very clear and precise about his times.

My memory logbook in this brain of mine has recorded that on Monday, Aaron did not get out of bed at 7:16. He was sleeping soundly on that morning, so I had to wake him up, which can be very tricky. Being awakened by Mom is not on Aaron’s list of Happy Ways to Start My Morning. It’s not on my happy list, either. That’s because there is almost no way for me to get Aaron to wake up that suits him. Monday was a rather angry morning for Aaron, but he did go to his day group and I was thankful for the reprieve.

So, Tuesday was wonderful! Aaron was happy, not at all because it was my birthday but because I did not have to talk to him in my weird voice…or shake his leg…or look at him with squinty eyes…or any of the other very irritating manners that he thinks I demonstrate when I’m working to get him out of bed.

I offered to fix Aaron some French toast since we had time and since he loves French toast. He readily agreed, so while he showered…in whatever form that process took that morning because we’re never quite sure…I began the French toast. Later, as Aaron sat down to eat, I saw him immediately place something from his plate onto the table beside him. Can you see the little dark spot there on the table near his plate?

I knew what it was. The small glob was a piece of the toast that had cooked harder than he likes. Aaron always places hard parts of food off his plate because he will not eat them, and he doesn’t want them near his food that he IS eating.

Later, when we were both done with our breakfast, I saw that on his plate was one more bite of French toast. I told him he had one more bite to go as he got up from the table, but he told me that he didn’t want it.

“It has those hard parts, Mom,” he explained. I didn’t push the issue or make a big deal about it. After all, why ruin our good morning over one bite left on his plate?

But as I looked at his plate, I thought of how much like life those hard parts are. Hard parts are most definitely a real part of all our lives. I wish I could just have all the plump, juicy pieces that are easy to swallow. But no, it doesn’t work that way. Life, all too often, seems to have way too many of those hard parts.

I remembered those set-aside pieces the next day as I took Aaron to his Epilepsy doctor appointment. It was time for more blood work for Aaron, so after his doctor visit, we walked over to the building next door and went up to the lab. We’ve been very blessed that Aaron, from the beginning of his seizures at a young age, has always liked watching the needle go in his arm. Even when it hurts, Aaron wants to watch each time.

I looked at him sitting there, taking it all in, and I suddenly wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because he looked so vulnerable. We get used to all these doctor visits and needles and medicines and tests, but today it was like I was seeing it all fresh and new. He was my little boy again, with his life ahead of him…all of us unaware of all the hard parts that were ahead.

Soon we were waiting on the elevator, Aaron more than ready for lunch at Applebee’s. The door of the elevator opened. I hesitated to get on because there was a woman in a wheelchair inside, plus the nurse who was pushing her, plus another woman, plus a man. That’s a lot of pluses! The woman in the wheelchair saw our hesitation.

“Come on in!” she cheerily said. “I won’t bite!”

I laughed, told Aaron to follow me, and we stepped inside. I stood in front of the woman in the chair, facing her. I saw then that she was on oxygen. She was wearing a hat to cover her bald head, and her skin had the unmistakable chalky look of advanced cancer. I thanked her for letting us crowd in, and then I asked her how she was doing.

“Oh,” she said now with weariness, “I’ve been better.”

“I’m so sorry,” I told her. I wanted again to cry, and I hoped she knew that I cared.

As the elevator stopped and we all went out into the hall, I saw that the man from the elevator was walking with a badly deformed leg, or maybe a prosthesis under his pants. His walk looked so painful. And there outside the front door was a van from a hospice group, waiting to take the sweet cancer patient to her destination.

Hard parts. All around me were hard parts.

Still fresh in my heart was the message from a friend about her impending divorce, received that very morning. Other concerns for family and friends weighed on my mind…death, loneliness, health issues, fears, financial problems, job concerns.

Do I sound depressing and dreary? I don’t want to leave it there, because for those who know God and follow Him, these hard parts are also precious parts of growing closer to our Savior. Jesus suffered, and so shall we suffer. But we have hope because we know that God is in control of every part of our lives…the easy and the hard.

This hope isn’t like saying, “Oh, I hope that works out.”

NO! This hope is a certain expectation that all WILL work out according to God’s will, for our good and for His glory. The outcome may not work out exactly as I want, but my wants are not nearly as important as God’s will.

Is Aaron cured of his Epilepsy? No.

Is Aaron cured of his autism? No.

So, how do I handle those “no” answers? I handle them by fully embracing that a “no” answer is still God’s answer to me. I trust Him to know best.

And I don’t try to push those hard parts out of my life and out of my heart. I accept their reality with God’s grace.

Of all the Aaron issues that we deal with, his behaviors are by far the hardest to handle with love and wisdom. Gary and I get tired…frustrated…overwhelmed…angry. But Aaron is the whole package, the easy and the hard. The sad and the hilarious.

We wrap our arms around Aaron and love the whole person, seizures and autism mixed in with all the rest.

Like Jeremiah said:

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose trust IS the Lord!”

“You are my refuge in the day of disaster.”

And so must each of us see every part of our lives as just the right mixture that God intended, and not try to remove the parts that are hard as being too hard to handle. Go in God’s strength and trust Him.

One Thing

I’m sitting here looking at my blank computer screen, wondering how on earth to write this post. I write better when I can be totally up-front and honest about life. But sometimes I can’t be that way because some matters are private, involving issues and people that prevent open sharing.

Was that catchy enough? Do I have your attention now? HaHa!

I really wasn’t trying to reel you in with my first few sentences. I am, like I said, just being honest.

Recently, Gary and I had a “thing” happen. It’s easy to say the typical phrases that we often here, such as what I just said. “Things happen.” Or here’s another one – “Life happens.”

Yet as a follower of Christ, I know better. I don’t get upset when others, or when I, make those statements.

“You know, things just happen,” I have often said.

But again, I know better. I know that God is the One Who is in charge of my life and who allows every single “thing” in my life to happen. In reality, my “things” don’t just happen…they are permitted or ordained by God. I am His child and He is in charge of all aspects of my life.

Most often, when we say that “things” happen, we’re not referring to happy “things.” Usually, we are talking about stressful “things.”

Gary and I have had some recent stress. Don’t we all? We had to make the difficult decision to put our sweet Great Dane, Jackson, to sleep. Not long after that, Aaron had a drop seizure on our stairs and ended up with eight staples in his head. And then this “thing” intruded into our lives. It’s not a happening that occurred, and then is over and done. It’s more like a dark cloud of long-term wrong that will hover over us…well, forever, really.

All these “things”…all this stuff, plus many more daily stresses…can just be overwhelming and exhausting. But two other “things” have taken place as well…in my heart, which is the best place for God to work HIS things.

One “thing” is that my mother’s favorite verse has been rolling around in my head for days now. It’s Psalm 46:10: “Be still, and know that I am God.”

I love, though, the meaning of “be still.” This is how I have been saying this verse recently: “Quit striving, and know that I am God.”

I can’t make “things” not happen. I can’t always change situations. And even if I try, the doors often remain closed. The damage is done.

I have a mental image of being tied up with ropes. Those ropes are the “things” that have or are happening in my life. I twist and turn and pull and flex against those awful ropes, trying to be free. But God wants me to stop that! He wants me to relax and to simply trust Him…to rest, and to know that He is God. And as God, He will handle all my “things.”

All this sounds so good, doesn’t it? So spiritual and so right. But how on earth…really, how on this old sinful stressful earth…do I quit striving?

God gave me a huge part of that answer over the past few days. It’s found in the first few verses of Psalm 27.

David talks about his “things.” He says that evildoers want to devour his flesh. He is surrounded by enemies, adversaries, and whole armies…literally…who want to destroy him. He was living in caves as he tried to survive. His treatment by King Saul was totally unjust and evil.

It’s awful to be hated. It’s awful to be the recipient of unjust treatment. It’s awful to be on the run, either mentally or physically…running from the pain and the wrong and the hurt.

So, in verse 4, David says, “One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek…”

Let me stop to say that I can tell you what my one thing usually is when hard times come, especially injustice. My one thing is to think that if I could only talk to this person or to these people, I’d tell them a thing or two! Or on a nicer slant, my one thing may be to try to have a pleasant, open talk with them. Surely, they will listen! Just give me one chance, Lord, to handle my situation…whatever it is…by doing that one thing that will make ME feel better.

But what was David’s one thing? He asked God to let him behold His beauty in the tabernacle, to meditate and to dwell in the temple.

In other words, David’s one thing was to worship God.

And there is the answer to my question about how to quit striving against my “things.”

Worship.

David’s one thing that he asked of God when he was going through all of his awful “things” was the opportunity to once again worship God in the tabernacle.

“There is only one place where your heart can be healed, restored, satisfied, and protected. It won’t be healed by winning human wars. It won’t be satisfied in human acceptance. It won’t be restored when you have meted out vengeance. It will only be filled, satisfied, and at rest when it is filled with the beauty of the Lord.” (Paul Tripp)

When I focus on God, I am not focusing on my “things.” I am instead aware of God’s greatness in the middle of my “things.” His power is what upholds me. His plan, however vague and unknown it may be to me, is one which I can accept because in God’s beauty I see His love for me. I experience His peace and His grace when my eyes are on Him, and not on my “things.”

We all have those hard “things.” Some of you are enduring much more difficult “things” than mine. May we all learn to worship God even when we are surrounded by our pain and fears and sadness.

Then to rest…quit striving…and let God be God in our lives.

“Quit striving, and KNOW that I am God!”

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Plan B

I heard Aaron’s first seizure at 4:00 a.m. night before last. I went in to be with him until it was over, assuring that he was safe. And always, when this happens, my fuzzy sleepy brain tries to remember what plans I had for the upcoming day, and how those plans may need to be re-arranged. Usually one seizure means others will follow, though in recent days that hasn’t been the case. We just never know.

Not long after Gary left for work, I heard Aaron getting out of bed. He came downstairs, eyes very droopy and tired, with his typical post-seizure headache and stomach ache his first concern. I told him that he should go back to bed.

“I can’t,” he replied. “I’ve already put my time in my notebook.”

You see, Aaron keeps a log of the exact times that he goes to bed and the exact times that he gets out of bed. Every. Single. Day.

In his rigid and organized world, he needs a period of time before he will go back to bed. I know not to fight this.

Aaron went about his morning as best he could, with me listening closely for another seizure. His falling seizures sometimes occur after only having one seizure during the night, so I was on full alert.

I was hoping that Aaron could go to his day group. Friday is movie day and he enjoys that. But he didn’t feel like going anywhere, he said, and I could see that he really was struggling. Besides, if he had a seizure while out with his group, that could be very dangerous.

I knew that my day now needed to be changed, my plans shuffled or canceled. Nothing in my day was hard to change, but it was inconvenient…and not only for me, but for my friend whom I was going to see after dropping Aaron off at Paradigm. My day would have been: take Aaron to Paradigm; go to Lolly’s house for a visit; run to Aldi for some groceries before our weekend snow comes; home with groceries; pick Aaron up from the theater; take Aaron to Wal-Mart for his “end-of-week” snacks; zip into Sam’s; and home.

Changing this day was far easier than having to reschedule a doctor appointment, for instance. Yet having to switch from Plan A to Plan B can be irritating and at times difficult. Poor Aaron can’t help any of this. I’ve learned to be flexible. And to be thankful that I don’t have to work, as having a job would be impossible.

As it turned out, Lolly came to my house. She even brought some delicious little Brazilian cheesy bread balls that she learned to make during her years as a missionary with her husband in Brazil. And cake!!! She brought me…oh, and Gary 😊…some cake!!!

I was able to later run Aaron to Burger King for a take-out meal, knowing that if he had a seizure at least he was sitting down in the van. Later, as he napped, he did have a second seizure. I was so thankful that he was in his bed, safe from falling down! And in the evening, we got to make our Wal-Mart trip. Gary went with us so that we could both keep an eye on Aaron. It was fun! And Aaron wanted to make sure that I took a picture of him with this turkey breast that he LOVED for some funny reason!

Not every Plan B in life is fun, though. Many times, our switch from Plan A to Plan B is pretty devastating, and certainly not easy. And as believers, we know that God has a plan and a purpose on this path upon which He places us. Yet He never said that our path will be rosy. Most often, it is not.

God told us to take up our cross and follow Him. He did not say to take up our basket of May flowers and follow Him.

One of the most impacting books I have ever read is The Cup and the Glory, written by Greg Harris. Harris talks about what it means to follow Christ. Drinking the cup of suffering is what brings glory to God and great growth to us as His followers.

In Acts 16, during Paul’s second missionary journey, we see a profound example of God’s perplexing leading in Paul’s travels. Blessings had been abundant to Paul and Timothy. The Greek phrasing in verses 5-8 is so telling. The words “on the one hand” are soon followed by the words “on the other hand.”

On the one hand, churches were growing and being strengthened…but on the other hand, as Paul tried to travel to Asia, he was forbidden by the Holy Spirit to go there. Later, as Paul and Timothy tried to go to Bithynia, they were once again stopped by God. They finally ended up in Troas, where they never intended to go.

That road to Troas led through high mountains and was very difficult. Why did God take Paul away from his intended destination, only to place him in such a strenuous and uncertain place? Why did Paul and Timothy have to walk so long and so wearily through barren land full of dangers, and with no ministry taking place?

But Paul walked. He kept walking in faith and in obedience to God, not understanding the reasons but fully understanding that God knew those reasons, and that was all that mattered.

Harris says, “It’s easy to walk with God when He exhibits the visible hand of His blessing. However, Jesus calls us actively and continually to walk with Him – even when we can sense neither His presence nor His blessing – and not merely when you see Him feed the 5,000.”

Our goal in life should be to keep our eyes on God, not on our destination. We may head one way, a God-honoring way, only to be re-directed by God onto another path. Keeping our eyes on God during those disappointing times is key to experiencing His peace in the middle of our puzzling questions.

Our main goal on our journey is to be God Himself. To know Him, to honor Him, to serve Him…wherever we are…is where we need to be focused. God alone. Through our questions, our tears, our concerns, our anger…God knows, and He cares, and He has a purpose. His purpose is far greater than we will likely ever know on this earth.

Plan A? Not today.

But on the other hand, Plan B!!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Prov. 3:5-6

Special Aaron

No mother can ever forget the birth of their babies, each one so unique and completely amazing. That first baby, though, holds a very tender place in a mother’s heart. Our first baby was Aaron. He wasn’t loved more than our other two children, but that first birthing experience was one of a mixture of fear and uncertainty that culminated in total wonder at the little squalling miracle lying in my arms.

A son!! I remember a feeling washing over me that I had never experienced before. Total love. I knew that certainly no other woman could have ever felt as blessed and…well…as special as I did in those new moments of motherhood. I know now that this wasn’t true, but you could never have convinced me otherwise during those first fresh days of holding my little son.

I examined him from the top of his fuzzy head to the very bottom of his wrinkled toes. Every detail was so perfect. He was so tiny and complete…wispy eyelashes, button nose, tee tiny little fingernails and toenails…just every single part was truly a work of art from God.

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Lots of years have passed since my first introduction to motherhood in that old wooden WWII hospital at Fort Carson, Colorado. So many details of Aaron’s future, unknown to us back in 1984, have woven themselves into our own future now. Never, ever did we dream that our Aaron would continue to be defined as “special,” but now in the sense that we often call “Special Needs.”

Sometimes I still shake my head in disbelief at that title.

Yet there is no denying the reality of this path upon which God set our steps. Aaron’s first seizure in Germany at the age of seven led us to a diagnosis of Epilepsy. Seizures have never been out of the picture since that time other than for brief periods of reprieve.

Then later, at the age of 14, came the surprising diagnosis of autism…Asperger’s Syndrome. This wasn’t a common condition at that time. I didn’t even know what Asperger’s was. But we’ve all learned along with Aaron just what it means to live with what we call “Special Needs.”

It’s very interesting to look up this word “special.” It’s a word that we so routinely use that we don’t give it much thought. So, I did just that…I looked up this special word in the dictionary…and I was touched by just what it means to be special. Especially what it means to Aaron, and so to us as well.

SPECIAL: Distinguished by some unusual quality.

Our family would laugh at this one, not because we’re cruel but because Aaron has LOTS of unusual qualities. Many days I wish it was only one. Some are funny; some are annoying; some he repeats over and over; some are loud; some are very embarrassing….

SPECIAL: Readily distinguishable from others of the same category.

Well, that’s one way to put it. He’s very readily distinguishable when he stops in the crosswalk at Wal-Mart and holds his arms up just to be sure that traffic knows to stop! He’s totally distinguishable when I remind him to look UP as we leave the store and enter said crosswalk again so that he looks for traffic and not at his feet…and he stops in the middle of the crosswalk and looks up at the SKY!!

He’s also very likely to hover at the door of the nail salon like a stalker, watching the women getting their manis and pedis…fascinated by the smells and the sounds…but a little alarming as he curiously stares.

He whistles…he claps…he sings. Or he stands in the little restaurant in the Wal-Mart entrance and delights in the fact that the attendant thinks he wants to order.

SPECIAL: Being other than the usual.

Usual is so boring to Aaron. Some days I wish for boring. But Aaron does add a spark to life on most days. Sometimes a raging fire, honestly. Like Gary and I envisioned Friday evening in Cracker Barrel when Aaron decided to take the globe off the oil lamp…that was lit…with real fire. All was well. Nothing to see here, people at the table beside us. Move on.

But there is also one more meaning to this word…this special word. And this meaning is by far my very favorite.

SPECIAL: Designed for a particular purpose.

You see, Aaron was indeed designed by God, just as much as all the other babies ever conceived. He was designed for a particular purpose. I don’t always live in that reality, especially on the hard days. But I know deep in my heart that God made no mistakes with Aaron. God’s sovereign hand made Aaron just the way he is. It’s up to me to live in that knowledge, especially when I’m tired or upset or discouraged or embarrassed.

Honestly, one of the huge purposes that I’ve seen Aaron have in my life is to remind me of how much I need God. How much I need His love and forgiveness and patience and strength. How when I am weak, then God is strong FOR me and IN me.

Aaron reminds me to give:

Aaron reminds me to love:

Aaron reminds me to laugh:

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Aaron reminds me to enjoy life:

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Aaron reminds me to keep going when things are tough:

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And God reminds me of these truths:

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret;

And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,

When as yet there was not one of them. (Psalm 139:13-16)

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What Mountain?

I heard it through the baby monitor a week ago yesterday…the awful sound of Aaron going into a seizure. It was early, early in the morning – the time that we still call night. I never do get used to that sound. My heart still jumps as I am awakened and then hurry into his room. As seizures go, it was not a long one. Hard, but not long. The scene was repeated a few hours later, which is nothing unusual. Only two seizures, though, which is a blessing, and which is rather unusual. Most often his clusters of seizures involve three or more. Yet we have learned over the years that having only one or two seizures means he might have one or two more during the day.

Gary and I both stayed home from church that Sunday due not only to Aaron’s seizures but also because of a strong snowstorm with howling winds that was blowing outside. This storm also explained the seizures, as I have definitely linked many of Aaron’s seizures to low fronts moving through our Kansas atmosphere.

Aaron was fine all day. He stayed busy, and he also napped some, but there was no more seizure activity. That night, he and I watched a television program. Afterwards, we were in the kitchen putting snacks away and getting ready to go upstairs where Aaron’s nighttime routine would continue. I had my back to Aaron as I readied the coffeepot for the morning.

“I feel like I might have a seizure,” I heard Aaron say. But he says this fairly often, and rarely does he have a seizure at that time. I was getting ready to reply when I heard a noise. I whirled around to see Aaron’s arms in the air and his face distorting in the familiar way it does when a seizure begins. It was sudden and so unexpected! Before I could take a couple steps and reach him, he fell backwards onto the tile floor…just like a stiff, falling tree.

The sound of his head hitting the floor was sickening. I screamed for Gary, who came running from downstairs. I was terrified…more terrified that I remember being since his very first awful seizure when he was seven years old. Our 34 year-old son was my baby at that moment, and I was distraught. Aaron doesn’t like crying at all, especially my crying, so he would have been very unhappy if he had seen me at that point.

Aaron will often rally rather quickly from these seizures, so we waited to see if that would happen. Sure enough, before long, his eyes opened. Soon he was responding to our comments as he became more focused, and not long after that he was talking some and able to sit up. We watched and waited, thankful to see him return to normal with no apparent damage done other than a knot on the back of his head.

I had a hard time going to sleep that night. I kept seeing him fall and then hearing the sound of his head hitting the floor. Finally, I slept…but fitfully…playing the awful scene over and over all night long. Aaron slept well and for that I was thankful.

Not only was this seizure itself of great concern, but what it might signal was also very disturbing to us. Aaron had a series of falling seizures back in the spring and early summer, sustaining some injuries. Are those falling seizures returning now? And if they are, then why? Oh, the brain is so complex! If only we could map its intricacies and understand its workings! But no doctor or researcher has ever been able to uncover all the secrets of what God has created in these most complicated brains of ours.

Gary and I had relaxed a lot since Aaron’s last falling seizure a few months ago. But now that familiar fear was filling my heart again. If left unchecked, I knew fear’s icy fingers would replace the warmth of God’s promises and plans on which He wanted me to focus.

The next morning, I sat as usual at my quiet time desk, asking God as I always do to speak to me the words He wanted me to hear on this day. I looked down at my current book in the Bible that I was reading, and still am reading. Zechariah. Yeah, I know. What does God have for me in an obscure minor prophet’s writings? I mean, Philippians or James I could understand, and would look forward to multiple encouragements. But Zechariah?

Yet one thing I have learned over the years is that God is alive all through His word. He meets me in my need in every single part of scripture…not just in the more recognizable, pertaining verses but even in the less known. In this case, the MUCH less known. But this aspect of discovery in the Bible is so uplifting to me! It’s like finding a hidden Christmas present under the tree and opening it to discover the most amazing gift ever!

So, on that morning I began reading where I had left off the day before. The people of Israel were very discouraged as they faced the monumental task of rebuilding the temple in their ravaged homeland. Obstacles were all around them and they could see no human means to finishing the job. Dangers threatened their lives. Nothing was as they hoped it would be.

But…

God spoke. “Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit…”

The people didn’t have the might. The people didn’t have the power. All that God wanted to accomplish would come by Him…by His Spirit.

And then this verse, this phrase, is what jumped out at me on that morning.

“What are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you will become a plain…” (Zechariah 4:7)

Have you ever felt like your worries and your fears and your problems are a mountain…a mountain that you can’t cross? The concern over Aaron’s dangerous seizures was my large mountain that morning. Scary. Foreboding. Impassable.

But God leaned down to me there at my desk and had me read exactly what He wanted me to read. It was no accident that these were the verses I was on in my Bible study book. God’s amazing grace washed over me. Not by my might…not by my power…but by His Spirit.

And that’s why I can stand squarely in the shadow of my mountain and say, “What mountain?!”

God told Jeremiah, “Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?”

Does it mean that Aaron won’t have another falling seizure? No. In fact, the next night he did have another one. I was close enough to break his fall this time, but it was still very scary. But all that evening I kept thinking, “What mountain?”

God wants me to see, even in the hard times, that He will give me all the might and strength I need. He will also take care of Aaron in the way He knows is best. I have to trust Him for that.

I want this mountain to be what I allow God to use to strengthen my faith…deepen my walk with Him…and confirm my trust in His sovereign plan for me, for Gary, and for our Aaron.

Instead of seeing a mountain, I want to see God over and above it all. To know that He’s in control. To be still and know that He is God.

Oh, I’ll still be upset with the seizures if they keep coming. But instead of being out of control, I want to remember the One Who is IN control.

What mountain?

Indeed!

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Weary

I’m sitting here wondering how to start this post, so I’m just going to start this post by telling you that I’m sitting here wondering how to start this post.

I’m still sitting here, wondering.

So I’ll just launch into it. Gary and I had a disagreement on Saturday about Aaron.

There. I said it.

It’s not the first and it won’t be the last. 😊

Aaron may be nearing 34 years of age, but Gary and I are still in the thick of parenting, believe me. Like all parents, we don’t always see eye to eye on every issue. And just when Gary and I think we have some situation all figured out, Aaron not only changes the rules, he changes the entire game!!

Not to sound like a whiner but parenting a special needs adult – or child – is challenging even on a good day. Gary and I both get tired, on many levels. What may not be a big deal can easily turn into a huge deal when we’re tired. And trust me, Aaron can wear us totally out.

For instance, Aaron has just finished watching all four of the Jaws movies. It’s taken him some time to watch all four of those movies. Aaron’s current movie becomes his obsession, so lately we have heard more about sharks than we ever, ever, EVER wanted to hear. Shark teeth, shark gills, shark size, shark color, shark location, shark diet, shark movies, and will there be a FIFTH Jaws??!!

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Please tell me no on that last one!

It’s like I told Gary on Saturday during our discussion about our disagreement…there are some days, many days, that by the end of the day, I am SO done. Just really, completely done.

Not done with having Aaron live here. Not done with loving Aaron, by any means. But just done, as in deep down bone tired.

And so is Gary.

We talked and came to an agreement, and we still love each other. We even still LIKE each other!

But being tired…not just physically tired, but soul tired…isn’t resolved as quickly. I don’t know about you, but when I get like this I tend to magnify everything. Small issues become much larger than they really are. I mentally bounce all over the place, making mountains out of mole hills, even when I know better.

I sat down on the patio with my cup of coffee, enjoying the birds and the breeze, and I talked to the Lord. I told Him I was tired, as if He didn’t know that. And I told Him, as I am prone to do, that I sure would love to hear from Him.

As clear as day, this day that was just starting, this verse went through my mind: “Be not weary in well doing…”

And I felt a real peace.

I got on my phone to look up the verse because I’m terrible at remembering references. It’s Galatians 6:9 (one of the verses), and so I continued to scroll down on my phone to look at other translations and notes.

One of the references was Malachi 1:13. I hope you’re going to love this as much as I did. Without going into tons of detail, God was talking to Israel about how they were neglecting to truly worship Him. They were bringing defiled food and sickly animals for their sacrifices.

God told Israel, “You also say, ‘My, how tiresome it is!’ And you disdainfully sniff at it,” says the Lord of hosts.”

Israel was tired of doing the right thing. They were tired of obeying God. In fact, they sniffed at God’s instruction to them. That means that they blew through their nose. Much like I did on Saturday morning. You know…that sniff through the nose when you’re frustrated with something.

Don’t tell me you’ve never done it!

Sniff!!

OK, so I live with Aaron and I do get tired. But when God says to not weary in well doing, He’s not saying I should never get tired and if I do then I’m sinning. The “weary” in that verse means “to fail in heart.”

It’s my heart…my heart issues…I need to guard.

How do I do that? By being careful not to offer God a sacrifice unworthy of Who He is. God wants me to offer sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving and trust. And I can only do this when I stop and realize that He is sovereign over my life…my whole life…even all the Aaron moments. And anything else that weighs me down and causes me to sniff disdainfully.

To lay at God’s feet my worries, my anger, my sadness, my regrets…whatever else there may be…and then to replace all those things with praise and thankfulness and trust in Him.

Then I am better equipped to consciously continue in well doing…to do right even when I don’t feel like doing right…to not be weary in well doing.

It’s a tall order for sure. But I have a tall God who really will…and does…give me what I need, when I need it.

There’s a promise at the end of Galatians 6:9: “…for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.”

Our reaping will take various forms, but a big one is a harvest of peace. My situation may not change, but God will give peace as I obey Him.

What’s got you tired today? Our lists get long, don’t they? Health…finances…children…jobs…moving…rejection…hurts…church…

But through and in it all, don’t let your heart fail. Don’t fail to thank God for so many things, and for WHO He is!

Don’t sniff at your life but sacrifice your life to the One Who loves you so much!

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Just Wait!

One night a couple weeks ago, I was with Aaron as we went through his normal bedtime routine. I was particularly tired that night, having spent another long day getting me and Gary and the house and Aaron and our caregiver and our dog all ready for the trip back east that Gary and I were taking. Seeming to feed off of my particular tiredness, Aaron was a particular slow that night. I had hit the proverbial wall and just wanted nothing more than to lay my head on my pillow and go to sleep.

Speaking of, when Aaron is this kind of slow at night, even laying his head on his pillow is a drawn-out process. It’s like he’s moving in slow motion as he makes sure his covers are pulled up just right, then pulled down just right, and then situated even further down so that he can ever so slowly sit on the edge of the bed and ease under the covers. His head was still not quite on the pillow as he scooted his body over, but instead was leaning back on his headboard. He even rolled his eyes back in his head like he sometimes does as he EVER SO SLOWLY…did I already say that?!…maneuvered his body a little lower under his blankets. He looked like he was going to pass out right there. Finally, he was situated with his head actually on the pillow where it belonged and his body totally under the covers.

But now Aaron had to get his arms out from under the covers for our goodnight hug and kiss on the cheek. This part of the routine is necessary…arms under the covers, then arms out from under the covers…reaching up for me and our hug and a quick peck on his cheek.

Yet nothing on this tired night was quick. He was as slow as molasses in the winter, for crying out loud!!

So I pulled the covers down for him and in doing so, I revealed my impatience to ever-observant Aaron. He was more awake than I thought as he looked at me.

“Don’t be rushable!!” he reprimanded me sternly.

I had to smile at his wording as I gave him a hug and a kiss. Only Aaron could defuse the situation with his unique way of speaking.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this issue of being “rushable.” Seeing all the back-to-school pictures going around on FB…all the comments tinged with unbelief at how old a child is or what grade they’re in…and especially hearing the certain sound of mixed emotions regarding a child leaving for his first year of college or a job or marriage…has made me look at the reality of Aaron in a new way. And yet it’s not really new at all.

Aaron had his first seizure a little over 26 years ago. He is approaching his 34^th birthday. He is our oldest child and should have been the first to leave the nest for college or job or marriage. But here he is, still in our home and still dependent on us. This is through no fault of his own. Gary and I know that we are on this path not only because of Aaron’s special needs, but even more importantly, because of God’s sovereign will in our lives.

We know that God could heal Aaron, but for now He has chosen not to do so. Over the years, I have quit focusing on healing. I’ve learned it’s far more important to focus on what God has for me on this path, step by step, as I stay in His Word and as I seek to obey Him. I want to hear from God, to learn, to grow, to be more like Him, and to share Him with others. And God has used Aaron in SO many ways to point me to those very aspects in this life.

Yet I am not by any means a perfect example of peace in our situation. I do not walk around with a cherubic smile on my face as I adjust my halo on my head. Absolutely NOT!! I get sad, and tired. I think about our future, and definitely Aaron’s. I get frustrated. Sometimes I wish for things that are not in our picture now, and perhaps never will be. And once in a while, I crack open one of those little doors of my heart and I peek inside, thinking of what Aaron is and what he might have been. Those doors are hurtful and I know not to dwell there, but I am a mother and at times my eyes take a quick look as they fill with tears.

It’s at those moments that I know I must look at God and trust Him fully. And I must let Him remind me that there is a very great reason for our paths of suffering…for all of us, for you and for me as we follow Christ.

Remember the story of Lazarus in John 11? Lazarus was very sick, so his sisters, Mary and Martha, sent word to Jesus to tell him the news. Jesus loved this family. They were dear friends. When Jesus was told that Lazarus was sick, He stayed two days longer in the place where he was.

Wait…what?!

When we get news that someone we love is critically ill, we go to them right away. But Jesus, instead of taking off right away to Bethany to see Lazarus, purposely stayed where He was for two more days. Then when He did get to the town of Bethany, Martha and Mary both said to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, our brother would not have died.”

Lazarus had died. Jesus could have come sooner, but He didn’t and now Lazarus was dead and already buried in a tomb.

And Jesus didn’t come sooner ON PURPOSE!

We know why Jesus didn’t go sooner and why He allowed Lazarus to die, because Jesus told his followers the reason right after He was told about the illness of His friend. Jesus said that it was all being done so that the Son of God would be glorified.

Aaron would say that Jesus wasn’t “rushable.”

Jesus let the situation continue because He knew the end. Jesus knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead in order to point to God…to give God glory…to show all those people another picture of the love and greatness of God.

Yes, it was hurtful to those that loved Lazarus. It was especially hard on Lazarus to die, right? But their hurt and pain was used by Jesus to point out the glory and the power of God.

How many times are we told in the Bible to wait on the Lord? Wait for Him to show Himself. Wait for Him to teach us. Wait for Him to open a door, or to shut another.

For me, it’s as if Jesus is repeating Aaron’s words: “Don’t be rushable, Patty. Quit striving. Be still, and know that I am God.”

I don’t know why Aaron has his special needs. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, or next week, and certainly not next year. But I do know that God is God…that He is good…and that He wants Aaron, through us, to bring Him glory.

We do that by trusting Him, by pointing out the wonderful ways He speaks to us through His Word, and by resting each day in His plan for us and for Aaron.

When I try to rush God…to come up with answers why…to explain and understand everything…to have plausible reasons…then I am not letting Him be sovereign in my life and I am not bringing Him glory.

Don’t be rushable, Mom!!

Got it, Aaron.

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