I'm Patty, and my husband and I are living with our adult son who has autism and epilepsy. I love sharing lessons learned from life around me, especially life with Aaron.
Yesterday we picked up some Mexican food for lunch. Aaron loves to watch a show while we eat, so he busied himself with getting his lunch spot ready while I was in the kitchen. I walked into the family room and saw these two plates on the floor beside his ottoman.
Most people would wonder why Aaron needed two plates since part of his food was already in a container. But I know Aaron and I know that he must put his food and even his food container on a plate. It’s a small price for me to pay in order to have Aaron content and happy. I knew that on one plate he would place his container of nachos, and on the second plate he would place his tacos.
More importantly, Aaron knew what would go on those two plates. He had plans for those plates, even if no one else knew or understood his plate’s purposes. Though empty, in Aaron’s mind those plates were already full of his lunch food.
I was reminded of Aaron’s plates this morning as I read Joshua 17:14-18. Joshua had been assigning the land of Israel to the 12 tribes. Ephraim and Manasseh complained, though, that the land they were given wasn’t large enough. Joshua told them to clear out the forested land, then, to give themselves more room.
“Oh, but the Canaanites who live there have chariots of iron,” Ephraim and Manasseh said.
“Then you shall drive them out,” replied Joshua, “even though they have chariots of iron and though they are strong.”
You see, the real problem with these two tribes of Joseph was that they did not trust God’s adequacy to meet their need. They were focused on the strong chariots instead of on their strong God.
The same God who had said, “When you go out to battle against your enemies and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt, is with you.” (Deuteronomy 20:1)
It’s like they had Aaron’s two empty plates but didn’t trust that God had all they needed to fill the plates.
They needed to step out in obedience and then watch God give them victory.
“…we will see little of His power until we venture out into the way of obedience; until we trust His promise enough to walk in it.” (Dale Ralph Davis)
I looked at Aaron’s empty plates laying there on the floor and knew exactly what he was doing.
So may I also place my empty plates down and trust God to fill them with all that He knows I need for each day…each decision…each trial…each heartache.
“Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)
I remember teaching prepositions to our children years ago as we homeschooled. I wanted them to understand not only what a preposition was, but to also grasp the huge difference that a preposition made in our speech and our writing. Therefore, my instruction went something like this:
“Let’s get IN the car. Not under the car…behind the car…by the car…near the car…on the car…but IN the car.”
Why am I talking about prepositions?
Because the little preposition ‘IN’ jumped out at me recently IN Joshua 3:8.
God had led the children of Israel to the promised land. Not just TO the promised land, but now they were IN the land.
Yet a huge obstacle stood in their way. The Jordan River stood between them and the land that God had promised them.
Now typically, crossing the Jordan River wouldn’t have been such a big deal. But God chose to have the Israelites cross the Jordan during flood stage.
A little geography lesson might help us grasp just how difficult this crossing was. As Dale Davis says, “…the river helps one to appreciate the miracle.”
The river’s floodplain between the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea is packed with tangled brush and jungle growth. Crossing the river during flood stage was extremely dangerous, not only because of the raging current but because of the jungle growth underneath the water that would entangle you.
As I was reading about God leading the Israelites to go over the Jordan in Joshua 3, a phrase in verse 8 jumped off the page and right into my heart. God told the priests:
“…when you come to the edge of the waters of the Jordan, you shall stand still IN the Jordan.”
God didn’t tell the priests to be still near the Jordan…beside the Jordan…at the Jordan…but IN the Jordan.
I have written before about Psalm 46:10, my mother’s favorite verse. In fact, I have her framed copy of that wonderful reminder to “Be still and know that I am God.”
Be still. Quit striving. And know that God is God.
That’s the only knowledge we need as we walk through this life.
Sometimes God leads us right into the flood. We feel helpless and scared…maybe confused and bitter.
But this is where our trust in God can and should grow, even as the flood swirls around us and the undergrowth attempts to pull us under.
What is your Jordan today?
“Perhaps He brings us into impossible circumstances, situations so bleak and hopeless, for the purpose of impressing upon us that if we make it through, if we endure it, if we are not overwhelmed and washed away, it will be only because of His grace and power.” (Dale Ralph Davis)
So, be still IN your Jordan, and watch God work His best for you in that place of trust and peace.
Early one morning I heard a soft pecking sound. I was downstairs when I heard it. I thought it was coming from outside, so I opened the door but didn’t see anything. Still the sound persisted.
I went upstairs, where I heard it again. I went into one of our bedrooms and found the source. Here was the culprit.
This isn’t the first time we have had this happen. A female cardinal has done this over the years on occasion. Research has shown us that there are several possible reasons for this behavior. Females are very territorial, especially at this time of year when they are nesting. She may see her reflection in the window and thinks she sees another bird, so she might be trying to chase it away. Or she may see the reflection of the tree behind her in the window and might be wanting to check it out as a nesting site.
But the reasons for this silly bird’s actions are not the reasons for this blog.
I had fun showing Aaron our little cardinal as she pecked on our window repeatedly.
That night after we had prayed, Aaron came into my bedroom.
“Mom,” he said, “you should have prayed, ‘And help the woman cardinal’s head to not hurt.’ 😊
Our little confused cardinal has also interrupted my quiet mornings in our family room, and in our living room as well.
She is one determined little bird!
But I’ve thought of how useless her struggles are, when right behind her is a tree full of available branches for nesting. There are also bushes all around that area.
And how her possible fears of another bird in her territory are nonsense. Little does she know or realize that she is truly wasting precious time and energy as she flies into the windows, and pecks and pecks at nothing.
But oh dear, I am so much like that little “woman cardinal,” as Aaron said.
I struggle with myself over God’s leading in my life more than I care to admit. Years ago, when Gary was retiring from the military, we tried and tried to move near our extended families. However, no jobs at all were opening up for him. The only feasible job…the best opportunity…and the one that God kept leading us to as we prayed…is far away from where we hoped to live.
And now here we are, with two of our adult children living far away from US…one to the north and the other to the south, along with our precious new grandson. And we have Aaron, who is a huge reason that we are tied to staying where we are with great services and medical care here.
BUT…we did pray for God’s leading many years ago…and we did see Him lead us here.
BUT…because here isn’t always easy…how do I react?
Isaiah spoke to God’s people about how they depended on themselves instead of depending on God to protect them. God led them to their land centuries earlier, and to the city He chose for them.
Jerusalem was that city.
But Jerusalem had a huge feature that left them vulnerable to their enemies.
Their water supply was from the spring of Gihon, outside the city walls. With their human ingenuity, the inhabitants built a conduit to keep water flowing into the city. But then they developed an attitude of pride and trust in their accomplishment as they ignored God.
They had become focused on how to solve their water problem without depending on God.
Did God not know that Jerusalem’s location had this weakness…this problem?
Of course He knew!
Did God make a mistake when He led them there?
No!
“Did He not knowingly choose a city with a vulnerable water supply so that living in His city actually required an attitude and commitment of faith that what He thus chose He would also Himself safeguard?” (Alec Motyer)
How about me? You?
Am I like that little cardinal, trying for a better situation or a safer location than the one to which God has led me?
“….it is a sin to depart from a position of simple, uncomplicated, trustful faith, and to replace it with man-made devices and securities. Where the Lord has made promises our calling is to trust that He will keep His word, and to pray, and look to Him that He will do so.” (Alec Motyer)
I look around me, at friends and family and others that come across my path.
It doesn’t make sense that a spouse died and left his wife widowed far too soon.
That cancer took a daughter, a wife with young children, after so many prayers and hopes for healing.
That a mother collapsed and died so suddenly.
That a family is reeling from years of caring for their young son who is fighting cancer after multiple amputations.
You know the stories.
You have your own.
Recently my cousin and his wife, David and Cindy, left me with these verses that have filled them with great hope at this time in their lives.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
David was recently put on hospice care as his cancer is no longer responding to treatments. Yet he can say, “It’s often so hard to make sense of what God is up to, but we must keep trusting, keep persevering.”
And from Cindy, “…all these trials are used by God in shaping us and growing our faith to His glory! We are not alone. Hebrews 13:5 – I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
What a testimony of trust and faith they are to so many!
Oh little “woman cardinal,” you do not need to struggle so to find a better tree or to fight an imaginary enemy!
And oh, dear one today, if you know Christ and follow Him then trust that where He leads you is where He will supply your every need and fulfill His perfect plan for your life.
You do not need to struggle, acting as if God has made mistakes in your life.
No, he didn’t have a seizure. He was just having a very hard time waking up to start his day. It takes patience and wisdom on my part to deal with him when he wants to sleep late. Sleepy Aaron is almost always grouchy Aaron.
A scenario like this isn’t life changing. But lately, Aaron has been unsettled and extra-easily upset. Is it the new little member of our family that he is struggling to accept? Is he trying to establish his place of importance at home and at his day group? Side effects of the meds he takes? Or just the way his autistic brain functions in our world which is not always his world?
Probably some of all the above.
It’s been wearing on Gary and me lately. Tiring.
I walked back to my desk after several treks into Aaron’s room.
It hit me how crazy it is that at my age I am still actively parenting our son. This is not at all how I ever imagined my life would be.
Don’t get me wrong. I realize how very blessed I am in so many ways.
But some days I wonder…
It’s easy to get mired down in the stress and frustrations, to the point that I lose sight of the path.
I feel much like Job, which I just read that morning.
“Behold, I go forward but He is not there,
And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him;
He turns on the right, I cannot see Him.” (Job 23:8-9)
It’s not just the path that I lose sight of. Sometimes it’s God Himself that I cannot see.
Our emotions have a way of doing that to us.
Our disappointments can blind us to God in our everyday lives.
BUT!!!
“BUT He knows the way that I take…” (Job 23:10)
I may lose sight of God in front of me or behind me…to my left or to my right.
BUT…God knows the way I take!
God hasn’t lost sight of me!
That word “knows” in Hebrew means “designates.”
The word “way” means the “course of life.”
God has designated the course of my life.
God IS love and I know deep in my heart that His every plan for me is designed and wrapped in His love for me.
God also knows that I am but human…weak…questioning…fearful…sometimes angry.
Questions come easily when I am vulnerable.
Why does Aaron have to suffer?
Could You not have found another way to grow me, Lord?
If I allow myself to keep going down those paths, though, I will soon be off the path that God has for me.
That’s never a good place to be.
I need to be like Job, who in all his terrible suffering still said:
“My foot has held fast to His path;
I have kept His way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the command of His lips;
I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my
necessary food.” (Job 23:11-12)
Some days and many moments I don’t FEEL like I am holding fast to God or treasuring the words of His mouth.
But deep, deep in my heart I know that I do desire God’s will and God’s way.
We all go through the tough times, don’t we? Some are brief. Too many are prolonged…lifelong.
Oh God, show us every day that even when we can’t see You…You see us!
You appoint our path, hard as it often is.
Because in the hard is where we do more clearly see Your hand.
We feel your breath upon our faces as we wait before You, drying our tears and strengthening our failing hearts.
Then may we be able to say with Job:
“When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.”
I hopped out of my van as I ran some errands a few days ago. Well, hopped may be a stretch. More like I stepped out of my van, in all honesty.
I had noticed this beautiful sky and being as I love taking sky pictures, I paused to snap a quick shot.
I knew, though, that it probably wouldn’t be the best view because of the surroundings.
“Nah,” I thought as I looked at the picture on my phone. “It’s too cluttered with ugliness.”
I almost deleted it then and there but decided to look at it later and decide.
As I thought about that picture, and as I looked at it on my computer, the view reminded me of some things.
Those “not-so-pretty” poles and buildings and store sign are a lot like our lives. I can say “our” because we all know that every person on the planet has a life that gets cluttered with “stuff.”
We wish our view could be like this picture that I took this week as well.
How gorgeous! How impressive!
But life isn’t picture perfect for any of us. Life is full of grit.
Some of the hardships we handle are private. We don’t want anyone to know about them, either because of pride or because we don’t want to bother others with our “stuff.”
Other areas of life are there for all to see. We might try to hide our issues, or not talk about them, or hope that they’re not obvious. But at times the junk is out there and noticeable and we are humiliated.
Whatever is going on in our lives, though, that messes up the beauty doesn’t need to consume our vision.
It is up to me to choose my focus.
And so it is with our lives. On what am I focusing?
Better yet, on WHOM am I focusing?
“For my eyes are toward You, O God, the Lord;
In You I take refuge…” (Psalm 141:8)
Oh, may we all learn to shift our eyes from our problems, our pain, our hurts, our struggles…and instead focus toward God, our refuge.
God’s character never changes even as our situations do. His beauty is still there.
Turn from our grit to His glory.
“My eyes are continually toward the Lord…” (Psalm 25:15)
I realize that it’s way beyond time for a baby update. Speaking of time…where has it gone?!
Andrea will probably be admitted to the hospital this evening for an induction. She is on blood thinner because of an autoimmune disease so in order to change and manage that medicine, her delivery had to be scheduled. We would value your prayers for her and for their baby…our grandson!…during this process.
Aaron is up and down about being Uncle Aaron. He is so focused on the issue that he is making himself nervous about it. He talks and talks about being an uncle, to absolutely anyone who will listen…or who can’t help but listen as a captive audience in a check-out line, at their job, neighbors…
“I don’t WANT to be an uncle!” he declares.
Then he listens as he is told once again that being an uncle is a fun job. And that he will do a great job of being Uncle Aaron.
“But I might have to change his diaper!” Aaron says.
And that has been the biggest subject of conversation for Aaron. Changing diapers!
The nurse and staff at his day group have been so wonderful to help ease him through his diaper fixation. Look at these pictures from this past Friday as once again the nurse let Aaron practice changing a diaper. He’s always so excited to tell us that he passed the diaper changing test!
Added to diaper duty…which we have assured Aaron will not be required of him…is the actual trip to Texas to meet his nephew. Aaron is not a happy traveler. Therefore, his angst is increasing more than his excited anticipation.
All these matters tend to muddy our own joy.
I knew this from the very beginning, though.
I knew that I would struggle with being far from Andrea during her pregnancy and during her delivery and recovery.
And especially, being too far away to meet my grandson quickly and often.
That’s why, on the very night that Andrea and Kyle told us back in May that a baby was coming, I knew that a struggle for me was ahead.
I know me very well.
The next morning, as I continued my study in I Timothy, I asked the Lord to give me a verse or a part of a verse to claim during these months…actually, years…ahead.
God does not disappoint!
There it was!
A phrase in I Timothy 4:10 jumped right out at me and settled in my heart.
“…we have fixed our hope on the living God…”
I was so thankful!
My memorial stone was quickly written beside that verse: Baby Kester, May 22, 2022.
How many times, when I have started down that path of wishing for things that are not to be…or I have begun to compare myself to others…or I have questioned God’s ways…this phrase has calmed and assured me.
For if I can’t trust God in this area of my life, when CAN I trust Him?
Then just last week, as I was in the book of Hebrews and reading about Moses in chapter 11, there it was again.
Verse 27: “…Moses endures, as seeing Him who is unseen.”
Guess what the words “seeing Him” mean?
They mean that Moses’ eyes were fixed.
As in, “…we have fixed our hope on the living God.”
I was so touched that at the beginning of this grandbaby journey…and now nearing the end of the pregnancy…God once again told me to fix my eyes on Him.
This verb used in Hebrews refers to an artist whose eyes are fixed on the subject he is painting. He focuses solely on the subject, not on the distractions around him.
Raymond Brown also points out that this word indicates a determined choice.
“Westcott says that it is used by classical writers in the sense of ‘looking from one object to another.’ We fix our eyes on the ultimate, not the immediate, on the eternal reward rather than our temporal gain.”
What I really want to get across in all of this is this: I may be tired of my circumstances in some ways, but I am not hopeless!
I have fixed my hope on the living God!
God understands my desires and He knows my heart.
He keeps saying, “Patty! Focus!!” as my eyes begin to wander to the distractions around me and I start to be discouraged or sad.
God is so good to me. He understands and He does not demand perfection from me.
Just trust, and hope.
Hope in the living God Who has a reason and a plan for every part of my life, grandbaby included.
Hope in the living God Who sent His own Son as a baby so that I could have that hope.
I hope I have happy baby news very soon!
And Aaron hopes that he really doesn’t have to change diapers!
The other morning, I looked out my favorite upstairs window and saw this very pretty sky. The puffy clouds and the sunshine reminded me of summer.
Not long after, however, I noticed from another room that it seemed darker outside. I went back to the window and was shocked at what I saw.
Whoa! In such a short time the scene had totally changed. We went from bright and happy to dark and foreboding very quickly as a cold front began blowing in.
I have had those sudden dark times in my life.
That Sunday years ago when our normal day turned into terror as Aaron lay on our kitchen floor, seizing violently. The blur of a frantic call to the medical clinic…the ambulance…the German children’s hospital. The stabs of deep fear mixed with the frustration of the language barrier and the culture that was in many ways unfamiliar.
We went from worshipping God at church that morning to being blind-sided by a situation that we were totally unprepared for.
But let me tell you that Psalm 18:28 is true!
“The Lord my God illumines my darkness.”
He was there with us in that foreign hospital room, during all the tests, and the diagnosis…and He has not stopped walking with us on this road of special needs.
My prayer list keeps getting longer with names of so many who are hurting and struggling through various sudden changes.
Gary’s cousin, now a much-too-young widower whose precious wife collapsed and was gone.
A friend’s daughter…a young wife and mother…fighting cancer.
A cousin and a friend recently widowed.
Jobs ended.
Marriages over.
Cancer returning.
Listen to what else David says in Psalm 27:1:
“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?”
God brightens the unknown!
His light shines brightest in the dark.
His character positively glows in our deepest hurts and with our tear-stained cheeks.
And we have no reason to fear because He is fighting for us. Psalm 27:1 continues:
“The Lord is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread?”
I love the song, Blessings, by Laura Story. Read the lyrics:
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand
To ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe.
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
I saw this beautiful scene a short time later, after the scary dark clouds had gone away, and I was reminded that God is still our light and our salvation.
Don’t fear, dear ones. God is still there in the clouds, and He WILL illumine your darkness with His sweet presence.
Tim, our hearts are across the country with you and the family today as you celebrate Alicia’s life. We are with you…with Bryson, Brayden, and Willow Grace…as you honor your amazing wife and mother.
I wish I had all the answers for you and the children about why God took Alicia so suddenly and so soon. Of course, I don’t. No one on this earth does.
Only God.
I wish I could take away your pain and deep grief. Of course, I can’t.
Only God.
What I do know is that God is with you. I know you know that, too. You may not always feel it right now, but you know it.
I thought of you this week as I read Genesis 46, about Jacob traveling down to Egypt to see the son whom he thought was long ago dead.
Jacob was settled in Israel, content there, and old.
Israel was the land God had promised to him and his descendants.
But now Jacob was faced with the inevitable…traveling down to Egypt to see Joseph.
Egypt.
Egypt was the enemy. Egypt was a place of fear…unfamiliarity…full of danger and totally distasteful to Jacob.
But God told Jacob, “I am God, the God of your father; do not be afraid to go down to Egypt…”
And God continued, “I will go down with you to Egypt, and I will also surely bring you up again…”
Tim, as the dust settles, and your life continues…but without Alicia…I pray that you and the children will know that God has gone down with you to this Egypt.
“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there. If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night,
Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.” (Psalm 139: 7-12)
Tim, God is with you and the children in this Egypt. And just like He promised Jacob, He will bring you up again.
God will heal your hurt.
God will comfort your deepest sorrow.
God will walk with you each step of this very hard road.
God understands the question, “Why?!”
Alicia, last week Tim messaged me and said that more than once you said you would love to have met me.
Let me tell you, that I have always wished for that as well…and never more so than now after reading the multitude of posts about how many lives you touched.
Tim said you were the kindest lady he had ever known and that he was blessed to have been loved by you.
I have seen this week that this is the lifelong impact you have had on many lives as a wife, mother, sister, friend, and a brand new RN.
And especially as a follower of Christ, your kindness and love will live on in the hearts and lives of so many people.
Death has not…and will not…dull your testimony.
In fact, I do believe that God will use this as the means to show us all how very important it is to know Jesus personally…to shine brightly for Him…and to always be ready to meet Him.
Speaking of meeting, you and I WILL meet one day…of that I am very certain. I look forward to that day in heaven when I do finally get to give you a big hug and to thank you for the impact you have had on my life even from afar.
Tim, Bryson, Brayden, and Willow Grace – you are covered in our prayers.
May you, as time goes on, be able to say with Jacob, “God answered me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone.”
Waiting patiently for anything is not a strong suit of Aaron’s. Whether he is waiting for me to get off the phone or waiting on a huge surprise, it doesn’t matter. Patient waiting is a foreign concept to him.
This is why we often don’t tell Aaron of an upcoming event until shortly before it actually occurs. Too bad he knows when his birthday is because he is in planning mode for months before the big day.
Earlier this year, a big dinosaur exhibit was coming to town. Gary and I decided to take Aaron and to make it a surprise, more for our sake than anything. The big day came…tickets were bought…plans were in place…and finally I told Aaron that we were taking him on a surprise adventure.
It wasn’t THAT long before we were leaving that I broke the exciting news to him, but oh my goodness! I quickly realized that I should have waited until we were in the van and on our way before uttering a word about our surprise trip.
Aaron can hover better than any hummingbird or helicopter. He hovered outside my door as I got ready. He knocked and knocked on the door, asking if it was time to go yet. He lingered outside the bathroom door as I dried my hair. He stood right beside me as I brushed my teeth, asking questions and wanting me to answer even with a mouthful of toothpaste.
“Aaron!!” I finally said, “quit being so impatient!! Leave me alone and let me get ready.”
I enjoyed a few moments of blissful quiet…until he once again knocked loudly on my door.
“But MOM!!” he exclaimed, “I don’t have anything to DO while I’m being impatient!!”
Let me say, I am so much like Aaron when God has me wait for something, especially something that I have prayed about for a long time.
Look at Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac married Rebekah when he was 40 years old. No children came, however, because Rebekah was barren. In Genesis 25 we read that Isaac prayed on behalf of Rebekah and she conceived.
But guess how long it was before that happened?
20 years!
YEARS!!
Can you imagine the disappointment, over and over and over?
The sadness?
The comparing themselves to others who had HOW many children during the time that they waited…and waited…and waited on God to keep His promise.
As Dale Davis points out in God’s Rascal, The Jacob Narrative, Isaac’s non-chosen brother Ishmael had 12 sons. What’s up with that?!
But Isaac didn’t just idly or impatiently wait. We’re told that he prayed on behalf of his wife.
The Hebrew term used there means that Isaac didn’t just pray FOR his wife. It indicated that he prayed in front of her…in her presence.
I found Isaac’s action in prayer to not only be very encouraging but also very precious. He led Rebekah and he joined her in her pain…in their pain…as they waited for God’s answer.
Sometimes things seem so hopeless. We don’t see answers coming. It’s so easy to lose heart, especially when we have prayed and prayed and prayed.
I love this verse.
Right now, Aaron is laying on our couch downstairs. He had three seizures this morning. He is almost 38 years old and has had seizures since he was 7 years old.
I look at him as he ages, and I see the effect of all these years of seizures…of the toll they have taken on his body and on his mental abilities.
But I know that as much as I love Aaron, God loves him even more. And God loves me.
He loves us and He has a reason that I will probably never know on this earth for all that Aaron has suffered.
So, I cry out to God.
And I know that God’s inclination is to lean down and hear my cry.
Isn’t that a precious picture?
He joins me in my pain and in my waiting.
Am I always patient as I wait on God?
No!
But unlike Aaron, there IS something I can do while I’m being impatient and that is to pray.
And to praise, as David continues in Psalm 40. Sing a new song of praise, which will be a testimony to others.
After all, “How blessed is the man (or woman) who has made the Lord his trust.” (Psalm 40:4)
Gotta run. Aaron is awake now and is planning our evening already. 😊
I heard Aaron’s first seizure at 12:38 this morning. The second was at 2:37. As I often say, Aaron would appreciate that I am using the precise time.
Not long after 4:00 I heard him rustling. It wasn’t a seizure. I listened and knew that he was out of bed. He went to the bathroom and then back to his room. I heard his door close.
I got up and went to his room, fairly sure of what I would find. He had changed his pajamas and was getting ready to climb back into bed.
His sheets were wet. Bed wetting seizures are common to Aaron.
I had him sit in his desk chair as I changed his sheets. He watched my every move, as he is not only bent on using precision with his time keeping but is also particular about his bedding being just right.
I was thankful for waterproof mattress pads, and that we keep an extra one on hand. Thankful for extra sheets and blankets, and for our washing machine and dryer.
There sat Aaron. He was flicking his fingers together as he so often does now, more and more. There was some dried blood on the corner of his mouth where he had bitten his tongue during his first seizure.
He kept telling me that his head hurt. He wondered if he would have to go to his day group.
It always breaks my heart to see him like this. Broke my heart, too, as I asked him if he would have slept on wet sheets if I hadn’t come in there. He said yes because he didn’t want to wake us up.
I told him he never ever had to sleep on wet sheets.
I was finally done with his bed. It’s a stretch for Aaron to lay down under different covers than his usual ones.
“I want my Mario blanket,” he said as he looked at his bed all covered in a blanket not his own.
“But it’s wet,” I told him. “Here, I’ll get you another blanket to use.”
I walked out into the hall and opened the linen cabinet. I saw the quilt that we have had for many years and knew that the weight of it would be a comfort to Aaron.
As I carried it to his room and arranged it on his bed, I was thinking about the sweet memories of this quilt. It was a wedding gift to me and Gary, made 44 years ago by the dear ladies at Needham’s Grove Baptist Church in Needham’s Grove, North Carolina. My brother pastored there. The women in the church had gotten to know me while I was in Bible college not far away and would often visit on weekends.
Finally, I was finished with Aaron’s bed. He surveyed it as he stood up from his chair. I smiled as he immediately pulled out some wrinkles in the quilt before he walked around to get back in bed. He snuggled under the covers, and I pulled them up around his face, a soft smile of contentment visible on his lips.
It wasn’t even 30 minutes later that I heard another seizure. As I stood beside his bed, I looked at that special quilt again. Each stitch was sewn by hand…hands of women who loved the Lord and loved to give.
All those years ago, I had no idea what our life would hold. We were dreamy-eyed newlyweds with our whole life before us.
And now, under the quilt that we used to lay under, lay our special Aaron. Never would I have imagined that we would still be caring for our 37-year-old son…that the quilt that covered us now covered Aaron.
I don’t know or understand the reason for any of it.
But I do know my heavenly Father.
And I do know that He has stitched every little piece of my life and of Gary’s life and of Aaron’s life.
God has stitched it in order to create a beautiful work.
Not an easy work. And not the one I would have chosen if He had let me.
But do I trust Him?
And if I do, at what point do I stop trusting?
I either fully trust God, or I don’t.
That means, that even through tears and disappointments and frustrations and exhaustion, I trust the God Who has promised to direct my steps.
Who has promised that “underneath are His everlasting arms.”
I am never lower than His arms that are always under me to hold me up.
And neither are you, my friend, if you know and trust this God Who loves you so much.
Who gave His own Son, Jesus, to die for you.
And Who is meticulously stitching the fabric of your life…of my life…of Aaron’s…into a work of art.
He Said What?! 