Category: Trust

Working in the Dark

A couple months ago I looked out our kitchen window above our sink.  And there, to my dismay, was a tunnel web built by a hard-working spider.  The web was between our window and the screen.

Now spiders and I don’t get along too well.  Yet, despite my instinct to get rid of that spider and his web, I had a degree of respect for his hard work and so I let him stay. 

He was very industrious.  He built his web larger and longer as time went by.  One recent day, as Gary worked outside, he decided to use his blower to get rid of the web and hopefully the spider.  Good-bye spider.  Time to go!

But the next morning I went to the window and there was a fresh new web.  That spider had worked during the dark night to rebuild his web and start over.  Impressive, I must say.

I thought of this as I remembered a devotional I had read not long ago from Streams in the Desert.  The author talked about how the children of Israel came to the Red Sea after God led them out of Egypt.  Their situation seemed hopeless at that point.

But God sent a strong east wind all that night and caused the sea to part.  He gave a cloud that provided light and led the Israelites through the sea on dry land.

All seemed lost, but God worked in the night.  The dark didn’t stop Him.

Our dark times don’t stop God, either.  We may not see what He is doing but He has not quit working His best in our lives during the dark times.

In fact, it’s during those times when I can’t see Him working that my trust in Him has grown. 

I don’t have to see His work to trust that He IS working. 

If my trust depends on my sight, then I’m not trusting Him.  I’m trusting what I can see. 

In the morning, I saw how hard our spider worked during the night.

Likewise, someday I’ll see how hard God has worked in my dark times.

“For You light my lamp; the Lord my God illumines my darkness.”   (Psalm 18:28)

Aaron’s Move: It’s Easier There

Aaron called me first thing this past Friday morning.  He calls first thing every morning from his group home.  We’re very glad we bought him a cell phone, but still…..

His voice was low and flat.  He immediately told me the reason.  He was having some intestinal problems.  This is nothing new for Aaron but it’s the first time he was having to deal with this issue at his group home.

“Mom?” he asked.  “Can I come home?  It’s easier there.”

I was still rubbing sleep from my eyes and wasn’t mentally prepared to wisely deal with this, much less handle the onslaught of my sudden emotions.

I did know, though, that this was our first test.  And as Aaron and I talked, I also knew that if I caved, I wouldn’t be allowing the staff both at this group home and at his day group the opportunity to handle this problem.

Going against my mother’s heart, I encouraged him to let the staff help him even as I tried hard to swallow the lump in my throat.

I could not let Aaron sense that I was upset.

He protested even as I portrayed over the phone my confidence that he would be fine. 

Fake confidence, honestly.  Not that I don’t trust the staff at his home and day group.  They are wonderful.

But letting go of Aaron like this is hardest on me. 

My phone soon rang again.  One of the staff was asking in the background where Aaron’s clean sheets were.  I could hear her and others comforting Aaron as they assured him that they were there to help.  They changed his sheets and took care of everything.

At Paradigm, his day group, the nurse gave Aaron some medicine and let him stay in her building for awhile.  He called later and sounded much better.  He even went on the outing that day and had a good time.

I understand that the pull of home hits Aaron at times, especially when he’s physically struggling.  That pull affects me even harder because it hits my mama heart.  I must go against my instincts, but I know it’s best for Aaron in the long term to learn that his staff will now care for him during these times.

He’s not the only one who needs to see this.  I do as well. 

It would have been easier at home, yes, but would not have been the best decision.

Talking about this first test still makes me cry but I also know that we passed the test not only because of the caring staff supporting Aaron, but also because of our caring God Who is walking beside us at each step.

And because of each of you who are praying and lifting us up.

Thank you so very much!

Aaron’s Move: Don’t Disappoint Me

Monday night was Aaron’s first night in his new home, and our first night without him in our home.  I woke up Tuesday morning, unplugged my phone to take with me, and automatically reached for Aaron’s baby monitor. 

Old habits die hard.  Fresh tears came quickly.  I had been out of bed less than a minute when I was hit full force with the reality that Aaron wasn’t here…that I didn’t need the baby monitor with me to listen for seizures. 

Then I checked my phone and saw that I had missed a call from Aaron.  His house has a phone, and I hadn’t heard his call.  I felt so terrible!

But then he called again and I quickly answered.  He sounded good, though tired.  He immediately asked when he could come home.

“For a visit?” I asked.

“No,” he answered. “To stay.”

I felt my heart being ripped out again as I told him that he couldn’t stay but that we would see him on Thursday for Meals on Wheels and lunch.

Then he asked if Gary and I could come over to his house that afternoon for a visit.  We were leery of visiting so soon, worried that it would upset him and he wouldn’t want us to leave without him.

“Aaron,” I said, “we’re afraid you’ll want to come home with us and you’ll be upset.”

“No,” he insisted, “I won’t ask to come home.  Please don’t disappoint me.”

And there went my heart and my tears, which I tried hard to hide from Aaron in my voice.

Gary and I talked about it and prayed about whether we should go see Aaron so soon.  We needed to get him a phone, and we would have to show him how to use it, so we made the decision to go and trust the Lord to let it be a good visit.

We pulled up in the driveway and soon Aaron burst out the front door.

“HEY!!” he yelled. 

“HEY!!” we yelled back.

Then came hugs and huge smiles and lots of talking.  He was so happy to see us and we were the same.  Victoria was thrilled to see us, too.  She stayed right there with us in Aaron’s room.  It was “honey this and honey that” as she talked to Aaron. 

The visit was great.  Aaron would rush in and out of his room as he talked to the staff.

“My mom said to tell you…” he would tell them. 

Or, “My mom wanted to know….”

“No, I didn’t!” I would add. 

They’re getting to know Aaron. 

As we left, Aaron gave us more hugs but didn’t ask even once if he could come home.  Gary and I drove home feeling huge relief and joy.  God gave us a very sweet gift yesterday despite our concern.

It felt so good that we didn’t disappoint Aaron.

And even better that God didn’t disappoint us.

This morning in my study of Psalms, I read chapter 6.

“I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim. I dissolve my couch with my tears.  My eye has wasted away with grief….”

“For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.  The Lord has heard my supplication; the Lord receives my prayer.”

“Prayer doesn’t change things, but prayer lays hold of God Who changes things and Who, in prayer, changes you.”  (Dale Davis)

This is such an important truth for those who are believers.  Sometimes the biggest change that comes when I pray isn’t that God changes my situation.  It’s that He changes ME.  As I submit to His will and His plan, even if I can’t see it…or I see it and don’t like it…He honors my trust in Him by giving me incredible peace and strength. 

Sometimes our prayers are the sound of weeping.  That’s all we can muster.

“God can even make out what your tears long for.”  (Dale Davis)

God doesn’t even need our words.  He just wants our trust.  And as I experience God’s presence and peace, I can’t help but praise Him for that.

I looked out my favorite upstairs window last night.  Once again, God didn’t disappoint.  His artistry was a beautiful ending to our day.

And the artistry of His peace for us as we see His care for Aaron and His soothing of our broken hearts is also a beautiful thing to see.

The God Who Girds Me

I was awake again this morning before 5:00.  My body wasn’t the only thing tossing and turning.  So was my mind, filled with concerns of decisions looming large.

Confidence during the daylight hours usually becomes impossibilities in the dark.

I finally just got out of bed.  For the past few days, after my regular morning Bible study, I have been randomly opening my Bible and looking down to see what God has for me.  I love doing this.  God’s Word is truly not only sharp and powerful but also very full of comfort and peace.

My eyes landed on Isaiah 45: 5-6. 

“I am the Lord and there is no other; besides Me there is no God.  I WILL GIRD YOU…”

Gird is an interesting word.  I looked up the Hebrew word, and it means to belt; to encompass.

But what does God gird me with?

Psalm 18: 32 says that God will gird me with strength.

Ephesians 6:10 says to be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.  And then Paul goes on to describe how we are to put on the armor of God.  The first piece of the armor?

The belt of truth.  The old English says, “Having GIRDED your loins with truth.”

OK, so what does all this word study mean to me today?

Simply put, it means that instead of allowing my mind to wander off into worry as I focus on my circumstances, I am to instead intentionally grab the belt of God’s truth and wrap it around my waist. 

The phrase, “Don’t be caught with your pants down,” comes to mind.

I think God understands humor, but really, isn’t this the truth?

God says there’s no reason to be unprepared for the stresses of this life. 

I need to buckle my belt when I toss and turn in the dark and allow worries to fill my mind. 

I need to tighten my belt when I face each new day with its challenges and fears.

It’s the belt of truth. And the truth is, as Isaiah said in 45:6 – “…from the rising to the setting of the sun there is no one besides Me.  I am the Lord, and there is no other.”

It’s the belt of strength…God’s strength.

God promises to gird me…to encompass me with His truth and His sweet presence in my life. 

But also to gird me with strength to fight Satan’s attacks of doubt and worry.

There is no one besides Him to fill me with peace.

No one besides Him to hold me in His arms and to speak to me assuring promises from His precious word.   

No one besides Him to give me strength and resolve to face today, and especially tomorrow, girded up and ready to go forward.

Clinging

I stepped outside yesterday morning to snap a picture of our beautiful sunrise.  I turned to walk back inside when it hit me that there was something else I needed to see and to think about.

I mean, I have seen this sight many times this winter, but it was like God was telling me to REALLY see it.

There, up in our big old pin oak, are squirrel’s nests.  It’s amazing that they can cling to those branches through all the wind, rain, storms, and snow.  

We don’t see those nests in the summer, but when all the leaves are gone, we see them clearly.

A couple weeks ago I was wearily getting ready for bed at the end of a long day.  Aaron’s behaviors that day had depleted me.  Future decisions we need to make for him were weighing on me. Other deep concerns pulled at my emotions.  Soon tears blurred my vision.

Those who have walked with God for a long time will know what I mean when I say that He spoke to my heart right then.  He reminded me of the many times in the past when I felt broken and how He told me to go to my Bible and look at what He had to say to me right then and there.

“Silly me,” I thought.  “Why haven’t I done that in a while?”

Laying there on my desk was my Bible, open to where I had been studying in the book of Joshua.  I looked down and this is the verse that I instantly saw:

“But you are to cling to the Lord your God, as you have done to this day.”   (Joshua 23:8)

I just sat down and cried, this time with thankful tears for this simple yet profound reminder from God.

“Just cling to Me, Patty,” God said, “as you have done for all these years to this day.”

Such simple words but so impacting to me.

I’m no longer young.  I’ve walked with the Lord for a long time and oh, the many verses I have marked with the dates God gave them to me.  Times of trials that led to trust as God spoke to me through His word.

This time in my life is no different than all the other times that God has led and strengthened and sustained me.  

It’s like the squirrel’s nests that we can see when all the leaves are gone.

When the trappings of our lives are gone, what is seen?

When we are slammed with huge decisions, disappointment, a scary and unexpected diagnosis, a wayward child, an uncertain future, betrayal…whatever it is…

Will we cling to God like the squirrel’s nests clinging to the pin oak branches?

Will our trust be clear to us and to others even through our pain and our tears?

I now have “February 2026, Aaron,”  written beside Joshua 23:8.

And I’m working on clinging to God like a squirrel’s nest in the branches. 

It’s A Matter of Time

On a recent Saturday afternoon, Gary and I were getting ready to attend an anniversary celebration for some dear friends.  Aaron was not one bit happy that we were leaving.  Who knows why?  Autistic Aaron is all about his schedule, his established routine, his expectations…

And his timing.

We were leaving the house just after 2:00.

“Mom!”  Aaron said, “can you be back by 3:00?”

“We’ll try, Aaron,” I answered.

“Or 2:59?” he added.

We smiled as we got in the car.  One minute to Aaron is a huge deal!

Later, as we walked in the house, I looked at my phone.

It was 2:57!  Yay for us!!!  

Or not.

The fact that we were two minutes early did not impress Aaron like I hoped it would.

He was instead still stewing and brewing over the fact that we left him in the first place.  

Aaron teaches me a lot about my relationship to God.  This incident was no exception.

I thought about this time issue as I read Psalm 31:14 this week.

            “My times are in Your hand.”

Short and simple, but so profound.

Aaron wanted our times to be in his hand on that Saturday.  He wanted to be in control of our coming and going.

All too often I’m that way with my life, and especially with the lives of those I love.  I say I trust God but sometimes, deep down, I want to control the timing of things I want to see happen.  

Like I’m looking at God and saying, “How about 2:59?”

Dale Davis wrote, “When he (David) speaks of ‘times’, he doesn’t mean merely his life span but all the kaleidoscope of circumstances that meet him left and right.  Calvin rightly draws attention to the plural form – “times,’ and says that David uses it to mark the variety of casualties by which the life of man is usually harassed.”

We all know that life is full of things we wish hadn’t happened, weren’t happening now, or weren’t on our horizon.

But for the follower of God…for those who can truthfully say like David did: “You are my God.” – we can follow those words with the ones that David said: “My times are in Your hand.”

And then leave it there.

“But I trust in the Lord, I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness, because You have seen my affliction; You have known the troubles of my soul, and You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy; You have set my feet in a large place.”

A Shining Light Among The Broken

Aaron followed me into the dining room one day.  I wasn’t paying attention to him behind me as I worked on our Christmas village. 

“Mom, look!” Aaron said.

I turned to see him staring intently at our little tree that is full of my Grandma Holly’s handmade ornaments, made with love so many years ago.  This was a pre-lit tree, but as so often happens, those bulbs had long since burned out.  I had replaced them with another strand of lights but left the unlit lights on the tree – hidden, so I thought, by the new lights. 

“This light bulb doesn’t work!” Aaron exclaimed.  And as his eyes roamed over the tree branches, he pointed out other broken small bulbs. 

“Here’s another one!” he said.  “And here…and here…and here,” he continued as he pointed to each one.

 I see brokenness all around me.  I see it as I walk through the stores…as I pick Aaron up from his special need’s day group…as we deliver for Meals on Wheels…in the prayers asked for family and friends…and sitting all around me in church.

And I see brokenness when I look in my mirror.

We all have those hidden struggles and deep pains that keep us awake at night.  

Broken lights.

I think Christmas is the time of year where we see most clearly that there is nothing we can do to manufacture true peace in our souls.

We shop, put up beautiful lights and decorations, bake the best treats, send and receive the cards…

But deep deep down our particular broken areas of hurt and worry remain.  No amount of self-help can take it away.

Yet a light does shine among our broken lights.

WHO we celebrate, or should, is the answer to our broken.

“There was the true Light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man.”  (John 1:9)

“Christmas is a brilliant remembrance of the grace and mercy of God.”  (Albert Mohler)

Our answer is in the Light of the world, Jesus.  

Our broken areas are still there, but the light of Jesus can shine the brightest in our lives if we just let Him do so.  

Our answer is not within us.  It’s outside of us, through Jesus.

God sent Jesus, His Son, to live an unbroken life in this broken world so that we could know God through Him.  

Jesus came TO us so that we could have hope IN us.

We can still point out the broken lights in our lives, but the true Light can shine the brightest if we believe in and receive Jesus, God’s greatest gift to us.

And His light will never be broken.

An Enemy and A River

I felt the knots in my stomach as Tuesday’s election results came in, and the reality of the results became clear.  

Is this really happening in America, I wondered?  

I felt a heaviness and a deep sadness for so many reasons.  I know God is in control but that punch in the gut was there for me just the same.

I had decided on that day that I would re-visit the book of Joshua in my morning quiet time the following day.   And there it was that morning, such a clear and encouraging truth from God.  One I have known for years but need to hear again in times such as these.

God had led Israel across the wilderness, despite their disobedience, and brought them to this place of promise.

But Moses had just died.  Their leader was gone when they needed him the most.

Ahead of them was a strong enemy nation, extremely violent and ungodly.  Israel didn’t even have an army.

There was also the matter of the Jordan River.  God led them to the river at flood stage, the worst time for crossing.

Could things be more dismal or hopeless?

But this was all part of God’s plan.  His timing is always perfect – in HIS eyes, that is.  Very often, not in ours.

God didn’t let a funeral or a strong enemy or a raging river stop Him.

“Moses is dead.  Now cross the Jordan,” God said.

Moses died, but God’s faithfulness did not.

This is what we all need to remember as we look at the fearful prospects of what is happening in our country.  Or as we experience the turmoil and stress of our lives in our homes and families.

God’s promise to Israel is also His promise to each of His followers today.

Listen to what God told Joshua:

“No man will be able to stand before you all the days of your life.  Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you.  I will not fail you or forsake you.”   (Joshua 1:5)

And hear what God says to believers today:

“…I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you, so that we confidently say, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.  What will man do to me?”   (Hebrews 13:5-6)

The phrase, “I will not fail you,” in Joshua means that God will not relax His grip.

God will not let go of us who follow Him.

He is holding us as we see the rise of socialism and communism in America.

But He is also gripping our hand during every stress we face behind the walls of our own homes.  

I took these two pictures on the same day, at sunrise and sunset.  Let’s remember:

            “From the rising of the sun…

           

  to its setting…

            the name of the Lord is to be praised.”   (Psalm 113:3)

Great is His faithfulness!

You Never Do That To Me!

One of Aaron’s biggest struggles is with jealousy.  And sadly, he is often the most jealous of the attention that we pay to our grandchildren.

Being Uncie Aaron is not always the joy to him that we hoped it would be.

On Saturday, Gary took Ryker for a ride around our yard on his riding lawn mower.   (No worries – the blades were up).  Sure enough, Aaron took note and soon said the all too familiar, “You never do that to me!”

So, Gary looked at Aaron and said, “Hop on!”

It was hilarious to look at Aaron sitting on Gary’s lap.  Aaron was really too big to fit and it was very awkward.  But good for Gary to give it a go!  And he could only go in reverse, which made it even funnier.  

How many times we have talked to Aaron about his place in our family as we assure him of our love!  

I was thinking about this as I continued my study in Nehemiah today.  Those that worked to restore the walls of Jerusalem, the temple, and the worship shared many various duties and positions.

Some were in high positions of leadership while others carried wood or cleaned up the many messes that were made.  Yet each person was appointed by God to the job he had for them.

Do you ever wonder about your place in life?  

Maybe you once held a position that is now gone.  

Or you never had a chance to prove that you could do what that other person is doing.  

Perhaps life has radically changed for you because of your health issues or age or finances or…you fill in the blank.

It’s so tempting to look at God and say, like Aaron, “God, you never do that for me!”

Comparison to others is the robber of joy.

Social media can be a real problem in this area.  I can be just fine and out of the blue see a post that makes me wish for something I don’t have.  

It can be any number of things, but the result is the same.

Ugly jealousy.

Discontent.

And if I don’t nip it in the bud, I might begin questioning God.

When we started our married life, Gary and I never dreamed that we would have a child with special needs.

Caregiving is not a life of leisure and does not allow for spontaneity in our lives.  Caring for Aaron is our life.  

We must consider him first in everything we do.

Your struggles are probably different from mine, but each of us do have those areas of raw questions that we may not share with anyone else but God.

Oh, but God!

He has given me that visual of Aaron riding on Gary’s lap to remind me that what I may desire is not His place for me.

I wouldn’t fit there.

God has put me here, where I am.  

If I don’t believe that then I am not living in obedience and trust to the God Who really does love me.

The God Who has put me in this place in His family for a specific reason.

So Lord, help me to get off that tractor where I sometimes want to be. 

Change my “You never do that to me!” to “Thank you for what you do FOR me in this place where you have put me!”

Every Part and Piece

Early last spring we bought a play set to put together for our grandchildren.  One of the first and most important steps was to carefully divide all the many pieces of wood into groups based on their stamped labels.  Then we separated all the hundreds of screws and nuts and bolts and hooks.  

Gary and two young men we know then began to assemble the play set.  They carefully followed the printed instructions page by page.  My job was to lay out all the screws and other hardware as well as the boards to be used in each step. 

 

As we worked together, we quickly learned that only the particular pieces listed in the instruction manual would work for each step of the building process.  No substitutions would fit.  

The finished product was a beautiful play set that our grandson has greatly enjoyed.  But it’s beautiful only because every part and piece was placed exactly where it belonged.

There were times as we were building that we questioned the placement of a section, but we had to trust the instructions and keep on going.

Isn’t this just like our life sometimes?  Even as we follow Christ, we wonder at the way He leads.  We question what He has allowed in our lives.  

But we also have an instruction manual to follow.  God told us clearly in His Word a very important truth.

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God…” (Romans 8:28)

We don’t need to understand all that is happening to us.  The placement of the parts and pieces of our trials are usually impossible to understand. 

Our responsibility is to love and follow our Savior, trusting that He is putting every part and piece of our lives into an order that will produce a beautiful work…one that will make us more like Him and bring Him glory as we trust His building process.

I love the verses of this very old hymn.  I pray it means a lot to each of you as well.

            If thou but trust in God to guide thee,

            And hope in Him through all thy ways,

            He’ll give thee strength, 

            Whate’er betide thee,

            To bear thee through the evil days;

            Who trusts in God’s unchanging love

            Builds on the rock that naught can move.

            Only be still, and wait His leisure

            In cheerful hope, with heart content

            To take whate’er thy Father’s pleasure

            And all discerning love hath sent;

            Nor doubt our inmost wants are known

            To Him Who chose us for His own.

            Sing, pray, and keep His ways unswerving;

            So do thine own part faithfully;

            And trust His Word, though underserving,

            Thou yet shalt find it true for thee;

            God never yet forsook at need,

            The soul that trusted Him indeed.

                        (If Thou But Trust in God to Guide Thee, Georg Neumark, 1641)