Uncle Aaron: Out of Order

A few weeks ago, Aaron had an incident at his day group.  He got mad at another client there, lost his temper, and ended up being pushed down.  As a result, a nose piece on his glasses got a little bent.  As soon as we could, I took Aaron to our vision center to have his glasses fixed.

Knowing that Aaron greatly enjoys telling everyone all the juicy details of these happenings, I paused to talk to him before we went inside.  I told him that no one needed to know all about how his nose piece got bent.  It’s hard to explain without making him or the other young man or his day group look bad. 

Aaron agreed.

I was not convinced.

As soon as we were seated at the table, Aaron took off his glasses for the technician.  She immediately saw the bent nose piece.  But Aaron could not stop himself from giving at least some form of explanation.

“My place in Wichita went out of order,” he flatly said.

She was confused but made no comment, only smiled.

I was holding in a belly laugh.

And Aaron strikes again with his hilarious and unique way of explaining things, I thought.

It wasn’t until sometime later that it hit me.  Aaron had made the perfect explanation of how he sees his new role as Uncle Aaron.

His place in our family went out of order.

Order is what Aaron craves in his life.  But it must be the order that Aaron mandates.  Anyone who disrupts that order is the object of Aaron’s anger.

Aaron’s nephew, Ryker, has disrupted Aaron’s ordered life.  Aaron’s normal has been upended now that Ryker and Andrea and Kyle live here.  

When the three of them are at our house, Aaron’s mood often becomes confrontational and angry.  He makes comments about how we don’t love him anymore or don’t love him as much as we love Ryker.  Or he gets angry at Kyle for whatever reason.  

Aaron has had us to himself for years.  This sharing business is a monumental adjustment for him.  

Autism is so tricky…so very hard to understand sometimes.  A lot of times.

Or we understand it on paper but when behaviors affect our joy and our emotions then it’s, quite honestly, maddening.

This is how I look at it.  When we see Aaron having a seizure, we understand what is happening.  We feel concern and empathy for Aaron.  We want to help him and be sure that he is cared for and safe.

However, when we see Aaron’s autism at play, it usually involves some sort of behavior from him.  Sometimes he can be funny or uniquely amazing, but there are also plenty of times that he is disruptive, angry, unreasonable…I’ll stop there.  You get the picture.

When he is seizing, we stay with him until the seizure is over.  We would never tell him to stop seizing.  He can’t, of course.

When he is having an autistic episode of anger or frustration, we try to talk to him…to tell him to stop…to get him to listen to reason.  But he usually can’t, any more than he can stop a seizure.

But that fact is hard to grasp in the middle of everyone’s high emotions.  

When special needs affect behaviors, it is very difficult to have the same level of compassion that we have when there is only a physical effect, such as a seizure.  That’s because behaviors affect others around the person so personally.  Our emotions get involved because we are frustrated, hurt, angry ourselves, disappointed, and the list goes on.  

Aaron reacts to his environment very strongly.  His environment has been turned upside down by the addition of his nephew into his life, as well as his sister and brother-in-law. 

All of this makes me think of that old Tina Turner song: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

Nothing, to Aaron.  Not when his world is out of order.

It’s not all bad, though.  Aaron has sweet moments, and we relish those.  

A few nights ago, he wanted Ryker to sit on his bed before they left.  He gave Ryker a necklace of his and laughed in delight at how happy that made Ryker.  Then Aaron ran downstairs to tell Kyle he was sorry for being mean to him earlier.  

Yesterday, Aaron walked outside with Andrea and Ryker. 

 

Aaron was more patient with everyone and didn’t attempt to be the only one talking all during our lunch.

“Was I good when Andrea and Kyle were here, Mom?” he asked me last night. 

He’s so childlike at these times and my heart really goes out to him.

Our prayer is that Uncle Aaron will learn to be secure in his place in our family; to develop a relationship with Ryker as well as Kyle; and to know that he is greatly loved.

And to someday know that his world is not out of order but is instead in a very wonderful order!

Author: Patty hesaidwhatks

I'm Patty and I write about our adult son who has Epilepsy and Autism, who still lives with my husband and me, and who is a package full of many surprises and joys and challenges and TALK! Lots of talking, which creates laughter and some other reactions as well. I also write about how God shows Himself to me in everyday life.

25 thoughts on “Uncle Aaron: Out of Order”

  1. Patty, Aaron has such a sweet heart under all the other stirring emotions. God has blessed Aaron with a momma who discerns well the underlying feelings. I’m praying Aaron will begin to feel “extra” loved as he adapts to having his sister, brother-in-law, and nephew in his life rather than less loved.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. I pray that Aaron is someday able to come to terms with a “new order” that includes Ryker and his parents! You are so wise to see this situation for exactly what it is, and not to blame Aaron for his inability to control his emotions and the actions that come out of those emotions. Not everyone makes that distinction. I also pray for continued strength for you and your husband as you provide Aaron with such a loving and stable home!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Ann. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we lose sight of that distinction but time and experience have proven over and over that Aaron is who he is and nothing can change that. We’re the ones who sometimes must change our thinking. Actually, most of the time we need to change our thinking in order to understand Aaron’s. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    2. Ann, I was just replying to your second comment but I accidentally deleted it. Silly me! I tried to undo it but didn’t see it. Anyway, thank you for your understanding and encouragement once again.

      Like

      Reply

  6. Many emotional reactions, controlled by someone without autism, appears to be a major challenge for Aaron. I’m curious as to what is easy for Aaron that is difficult for someone without autism. Aaron definitely seems more orderly in many ways and many people never learn to apologize with a sincere heart like your son! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Yes, emotional reactions from others are huge triggers for Aaron most of the time. If we can stay flat in our reactions to Aaron, it will often help defuse him. But that’s often very hard to do. Sometimes his apologies are very sincere and other times he gives a hurried apology because he wants something that he knows will be withheld because of his behaviors. We can tell the difference. What is easy for Aaron that is hard for someone without autism? That’s a great question and leaves me thinking. One thing I know that is easy for Aaron is giving things away to people. Giving to others is his love language. He will even tell me, while we’re shopping, that he wants to give me this or that as he picks it off the store shelf…not even thinking about the fact that I’m buying it. HaHa! But it was his idea and so he considers it his gift to me. Thanks for reading and for your insights, Nancy.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  7. Day by day Ryker is winning over Aaron’s heart! And one of these days, Aaron is going to say, “I’m so glad Andrea, Kyle, and Ryker are here.” All your love, patience, and guidance leading to that realization will be rewarded, Patty and Family!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you for your encouragement, Nancy. Yesterday Ryker was here. Aaron was giving him pieces of egg and bacon. It was a sweet move in the right direction. I was so happy to see it! Up and down, but I believe that we will continue to see more of the up side.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  8. I was cracking up with the “my place in Wichita went out of order comment!!” I’m not sure how you held yourself together!!?

    I feel Aaron with things being out of order, I’m not a fan of change either but we do better to remember that God is ultimately in control and He has things under His perfect order.
    What a great reflective post, I could use this great reminder!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Aaron’s comment was so amazing and yet so funny, but I was able to quickly put it into my notes on my phone and think of something else other than laughing. 🙂 In a sense, Aaron keeps me out of order, for sure! I never know what he’ll throw at me next. Have a blessed Sunday, Alicia.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  9. Oh my Patty, “My place in Wichita went out of order,” what a profound and insightful statement Aaron made. I pray that the time will come soon where Ryker will be another intricate piece of Aaron’s ordered world.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Beth. I do believe that time is coming. We saw more progress this week in that direction. He actually asked tonight when Ryker is coming over again! He wants him to come over! It will still be up and down but these signs are exciting to us.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  10. Patty, your wisdom and understanding of Aaron warm my heart. Yes, things get frustrating, even overwhelming at times. God has gifted you with the ability to persevere – often with laughter – and to teach others the intricacies of life with Aaron. He is blessed to have you and Gary as parents. We are blessed to love you, my friends. Terri “This is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see.” — Corrie ten Boom (The Hiding Place)

    Like

    Reply

Leave a comment