Thankfulness – He Said What?!

AARON’S Mother’s Day

The above title is not a mistake. You see, every special day for Aaron has one bottom line. That bottom line, simply put, is food. Aaron knows that special days usually call for special food. To Aaron, special food is what makes the world go round. Forget all that love stuff. It’s FOOD, baby!!

This memory from 10 years ago popped up on my Facebook news feed recently:

Aaron: “So are you getting something special since it’s your Mother’s Day?” I walked over to him, put my arm around him and said, “Well, a hug is special.” Aaron: “I was talking about food!!” Ah, if Mom gets special food then Aaron might get special food. Smart boy!

This past Saturday, while I was planting my porch flowers in various pots, Gary took Aaron out to buy me a Mother’s Day card and flowers. Aaron walked up on the front porch when they got home and awkwardly thrust the flowers out for me to take. He immediately turned to walk away, hoping to avoid the hug that he knew was coming. But before he got very far, he turned and said these priceless words: “Mom, now that I got you flowers, can we get something special to eat?!”

HaHaHaHaHa!!!!

He enjoyed watching me put the flowers in a vase.

He was happy when I finished the porch flowers.

He was VERY happy when he hopped in the truck with me and Gary as we went to Lowe’s. A shopping trip might…just might…mean a stop for special food.

So he was beyond happy when he heard the words “Burger King” come out of our mouths. Yay!! Later, as we sat around our table and ate our simple but special food, Aaron was enjoying every bite.

Mission accomplished!!

The next day, Aaron ran into the bathroom as I finished drying my hair. He told me to hurry because he had something for me. I didn’t hurry fast enough, however, and Aaron couldn’t contain his excitement.

“Mom!! I got you a card!! Hurry!!”

No matter how many times I tell him not to divulge the secret, Aaron cannot keep secrets very well when it comes to the gifts he gives.

With unfixed hair, we ran downstairs to where Gary sat. Aaron grabbed the card from Gary’s hand and happily handed it to me.

I opened it, and my laughter delighted Aaron no end!

Later that evening, we feasted on great food – grilled ribs and yummy sides.

And I was once again reminded that, despite the issues we sometimes face with Aaron, he provides us with many special moments.

Happy Mother’s Day to me, from Aaron!

Every day, if I take the time to look.

Joy and Crescent Rolls

My phone rang yesterday while I was working in the kitchen. Of course, it was Aaron making one of his several calls from his day group…calls in which he updates me on his doings, reports good times or bad times with friends there, asks me when I’m coming to pick him up, and stresses that he wants me to come EARLY!!

Since this day was Friday, and since Friday is the day we usually have a special meal of Aaron’s choosing, this phone call greatly concerned food. He also wanted to know if we were going on our Friday Wal-Mart trip to buy him his “end-of-week and beginning-of-weekend” snacks.

“MOM!!” he began. “Are we going to Wal-Mart after you pick me up?!”

I assured him that we were.

“MOM!!” he continued. “Can I get some Pillsbury Crescent Rolls to have for our supper?”

I assured him that we could.

“MOM!!” he added. “Not the kind in the box but the kind that you bake in the oven. Pillsbury Crescent Rolls!”

I assured him I understood.

And then he chuckled…his deep-throated chuckle of pure delight.

Pillsbury Crescent Rolls filled him with the greatest joy at that moment, a contagious joy that was passed on to me as I joined him with a laugh of my own.

One thing about Aaron that continues to teach me so much about handling life is his joy in the simplest of things…things that I often take for granted.

I typically don’t play Christmas music until after Thanksgiving, but for the past few years I have caved somewhat on that standard. Two days ago, while cooking supper, I turned Pandora to a Christmas station. Music has always, from my childhood, been a huge part of my life. I listened as I prepared our meal, waiting for that illusive “Christmas spirit” to wash over me.

Instead, though, I was soon brushing away tears. Silent Night was playing, and that song above all Christmas songs, reminds me of times past and of my parents and of how I miss them and of so many other memories. Sweet memories, but memories now…people and events of the past, not the present.

And the present…the now…is where I wish they still were.

This Thanksgiving and Christmas season, above all other seasons…with its music and traditions and memories…is so very full of emotion and expectations.

Expectations that often don’t materialize and so leave us with sadness.

In November of 2004, my parents called with the unexpected news that dad’s cancer was no longer in remission. Doctors had found inoperable cancer in his liver. All our close family was devastated at this news. Gary and I decided to quickly change our Christmas plans that year. We loaded up our van the next month just before Christmas and traveled the long distance home to West Virginia. All of us wondered if this would be Dad’s last Christmas.

This long, sad trip was very hard for Aaron in all the ways that change and travel have always been hard for Aaron. The most stressful aspect for Aaron, though…for all of us…was the raw emotion that we couldn’t hide. Aaron doesn’t like crying and on this visit we couldn’t successfully hide all our tears from him. The early morning that we left Mom and Dad’s to return to Kansas, we all stood in a circle as we held hands and prayed. And we all cried.

Except for Aaron, who sat off to the side rocking in a recliner and saying over and over, “Crybabies!! Crybabies!! Crybabies!!”

To borrow an Aaron phrase, it was half sad and half funny!

Yet a very sweet moment with Aaron happened during that trip. As Mom and Dad opened their Christmas presents, they unwrapped a framed poem of sorts that someone had given them. Aaron saw it and he held it carefully as he began to read. We all sat still and listened to him read every word in his monotone voice. It was good that he was looking down and didn’t see my parent’s tears, and ours as well.

I have this precious piece now and was looking at it the other day as I did some sorting. I thought of it as I listened to Silent Night and my heart filled with emotions about what used to be and what isn’t now.

I know that I have a choice to make. I also know what God has told me to do.

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (I Thessalonians 5:18)

As the poem said, happiness is all around us. I like to substitute the more meaningful word “joy” for happiness, for joy is a fruit of the Spirit in my life and is possible no matter my circumstances. But whichever word you use, know truly that there is joy and happiness all around us, every day, in sometimes the smallest of ways. Yet small things are huge when we look at them through the lens of thankfulness.

Over the years, life changes…a lot…but joy with a thankful heart should be a constant for us.

Aaron has seizures, but we are thankful for good doctors:

Thankful for yummy and very cheesy chicken enchiladas:

Thankful for God’s amazing creatures in our own yard:

And thankful for Pillsbury Crescent Rolls!

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Hey, It’s My Birthday!!

We just finished celebrating Aaron’s 35^th birthday. We had three days of birthday events, full of fun and loaded with Aaron’s exuberance. There aren’t many 35 year old’s who would embrace their birthday with as much joy and pure excitement as Aaron did. His birthday is one of those times that we fully see how unencumbered Aaron is with adult responsibilities and burdens. 35 doesn’t seem old or worrisome to him at all. He’s all about HIS day and all the fun it holds! He’s very much like a kid, and everyone around him smiles at his delight.

Aaron begins planning his birthday months before the actual date. I’m not exaggerating. He talks and talks about his plans. Can we go here? Can we do that? And often, he doesn’t ask us before he starts inviting people to come to our house or to eat out. It’s easy to be exhausted long before the birthday celebration even occurs as we try to keep up with him and his grand plans.

His birthday was this past Friday. On Thursday, he stayed home from his day group. He helped me make lots of cupcakes for his day group to share the next day.

We also made lasagna for some of his friends to have on Thursday night. We loaded up the van with lasagna, garlic bread, cupcakes and drinks before driving across town to the residential home of some of his day group friends. All girls, by the way! 😊

On Friday, Aaron carried his cupcakes into his day group…chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing and sprinkles, per Aaron’s wishes. At the end of his day, Barb…dear friend, second mom, and Paradigm manager…brought Aaron to meet Gary and me at Texas Roadhouse for his birthday “eating out” supper – Aaron’s choice once again, of course!

Oh my goodness, his excitement was almost palpable! He could hardly stop laughing and talking, and rubbing his hands together, in complete happiness.

“It’s my birthday today!!” he immediately told our server. “Can you sing to me?!”

Our sweet server laughed as well and said of course. She mentioned the saddle, which we had to explain to Aaron, and which he agreed to our surprise to do…but later he backed out on that saddle business. He wanted the largest sirloin, but we insisted on the next size down. He barely quit talking and eating. He was large and loud and very, very happy!

His gift bags from Barb, and from Casady – Barb’s daughter and another very good friend – were perfect for Aaron because they know him so well. And they love him, which he fully knows.

At home later, he opened more gifts and he talked to family…and he loved the shark cuddle blanket from Andrea and Kyle!

Then on Sunday evening, we met his special friend Rosa for their traditional birthday dinner at Chili’s. Again, Aaron announced his birthday to our server and asked if they would sing to him and bring him ice cream with chocolate syrup. Look at Aaron’s happy face when after dinner several of the staff sang and clapped and made Aaron’s final birthday celebration complete.

Rosa ran to their car as we left, bringing out her doll head that she loves so much, while Louise and I laughed and laughed. We love Aaron and Rosa’s friendship!

My heart was warmed later when Louise told me about how she and Rosa were looking at calendars to buy for Aaron. Aaron loves animal calendars, so Rosa eyed each of the three that Louise showed her. Rosa instantly chose the buddy calendar that shows dog and cat buddies for each month. Isn’t that so sweet?

I’m very thankful for each of Aaron’s friends and family that love him. Every text, Facebook message, phone call, and gift to Aaron was also a very deep gift to me, as well. I loved seeing Aaron so happy, and I love seeing Aaron BE loved by so many precious people in his life.

Sometimes it’s easy to feel alone when you raise a child with special needs, especially when they are fully adults yet, as in Aaron’s case, still so fully dependent on the help he needs from the family and staff that surround him.

Easy to look at others who are Aaron’s age, or much younger, who are finishing school and getting jobs and raising a family.

Those thoughts for me are fleeting, though, because I know the danger they carry. Aaron is Aaron, created by God, and my responsibility is to love and care for him – not to regret that he isn’t someone else.

Barb’s daughter, Casady, a kind soul who loves Aaron to pieces, wrote this in Aaron’s card:

“Happy birthday, buddy! Thanks for making me see all the sides of life. Love you so much.”

Those words seem to just go over Aaron’s head, but not mine. Her words go straight to my heart and come out from my eyes in tears that I don’t let Aaron see…or he would call me a crybaby.

But oh, life really is so much more than our routine and our version of “normal.” Trust me, Aaron shows us sides of life that we never even thought of! And other sides that we would like to forget!

Yet Aaron also shows us how much fun it is to relish routine and special days and music and warm blankets and coffee and cows and horses and bugs and steak and movies and shopping and dogs and cats and milkshakes and sharing and pennies he finds on the ground.

I sometimes stop and look at Aaron when he’s doing an Aaron thing, and my heart swells ‘til it almost hurts. He is so unique, complicated, hilarious, maddening, and upsetting. All the sides of Aaron are also the sides that all of us have, but Aaron doesn’t often have the ability to hide them like we can. They’re out there for all to see…and to hear!

And this morning, I heard a seizure a little after 5:00, and another just before 8:00. Then one that he’s only had once before, back in April – long and strange and scary. This is the side of Aaron’s life I dislike the most, but it’s a side we must handle and manage as best we can. I handle it by being thankful in the many ways that God brings to my mind, and by knowing as well that God is there for us and for Aaron with His sovereign protection and grace.

The sides of Aaron’s life…the good, the bad, and the sad…are all wrapped up like a birthday gift that God gave to us the day that Aaron was born. It’s up to us to relish all of who Aaron is, even the hard sides of Aaron; to thank God for our special gift; and to care for him in all the ways he needs.

Every side of Aaron…every day.

Hey, it was Aaron’s birthday!!

And I’m happy about that!!

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A Sweet Touch from God

Aaron saw the commercial for Pumpkins at the Park, and soon after he was telling Gary and me all about it. I had already seen posts about the event on Facebook and had told Gary that we should take Aaron, so with Aaron’s excitement already abounding I knew it was a match made in heaven. Tickets were ordered and plans were made to drive the mere mile and a half up the road to Tanganyika Wildlife Park on the following Saturday night to experience some pumpkin Halloween fun.

Aaron, who must plan multiple details before any occasion that he will attend, began to ask questions and to get his mind organized for our fun night. His list included:

Will I need a coat?
Will I need gloves?
Will I need a hat?
Will there be lots of people there?
Will there be food to eat?
Will the animals be out?
What time will we leave?
What time will we get home?
Do we have tickets?
Where are the tickets?
Mom, why are you sighing?

I answered all but the last question…multiple times. Which is why I was sighing, but Aaron doesn’t know that. It wouldn’t matter if he did. He just knows Mom’s weird that way and by the way, “Will I need a coat?”

Sigh.

But this is Aaron, and we totally expect the repetitive questions and ultra-planning. His comfort level depends on it, and trust me, we want his comfort level to be high…especially since our comfort level is so closely tied to his. Like, totally tied to his. COMPLETELY TIED!!

OK. Moving on.

As Gary and I climbed into bed on Friday night, the monitor beside us on my nightstand turned on to listen for Aaron, I told Gary that I sure hoped Aaron wouldn’t have a seizure during the night. You see, a nighttime seizure nearly always means a daytime seizure or more the following day. I didn’t want Aaron’s much anticipated Pumpkins at the Park to be ruined.

Wouldn’t you know that at 11:58 I heard a seizure. My heart dropped more than it usually does. Why on this night of all nights must he have a seizure? I was so sad for Aaron as I went to help him, and then returned to my own bed when the seizure was over, and Aaron was safe.

Surprisingly, there were no more seizures that night. But in the morning, Aaron’s eyes and actions showed that he was still feeling the effects of just that one seizure. I feared more would certainly come. He couldn’t even stay awake for his coffee, and later slept on the couch for awhile.

Still, no seizure.

When he napped in his bed later that afternoon, I thought for sure he would have one because that is what’s typical. I listened closely as I carried the monitor with me around the house.

And still, no seizure.

All day long, as we worked outside and as Aaron hung out with our little neighbor’s boys next door, no seizures.

And that evening, there we were at Pumpkins at the Park.

Aaron was totally ecstatic, and that’s no exaggeration. He didn’t stop smiling the entire evening.

We went from this:

To this:

Look at his smile!! Isn’t that just awesome?!

He loved every single part of the park that evening. The scary:

The spooky:

And the sweetness:

Speaking of sweet, I especially love this sweet picture of Gary and Aaron walking on the path.

And I love the sweet touch from God we all felt on that day. It was sweet to spend that time together and not have it ruined by seizures.

Sweet to have this special memory tucked away in our hearts.

Thank you, God, for such a sweet touch from You!

Salads and Seizures

Aaron walked into the kitchen on Saturday morning a little over two weeks ago – March 2nd, to be precise – and saw that I was boiling some eggs. Ever hopeful that whatever I am cooking will be something he likes and something I am making for him, he stopped and watched for a few seconds.

“Mom, what are you making?” he asked.

I told him that I was making his favorite salad. He stared blankly, as if he was utterly clueless about this favorite salad.

“You know, Aaron,” I continued. “The salad you love so much.”

“The salad with Ranch?” he questioned.

“No,” I told him. “You know, the salad with the eggs on top.”

Still blank.

“And the cheese and the bacon,” I explained.

“Oh yeah!” he finally said.

But he still gave no name to this mystery salad which really is his favorite salad! Aaron has such a hard time with names of people and pets and, amazingly enough, food!

“You call it Egg Salad, Aaron,” I told him. “But the real name is Seven Layer Salad.”

I knew he wouldn’t remember the name, but he knew it for now. It was fun to watch his happy reaction to the thought of this salad for supper…whatever it’s called!

We were looking forward to our day and our weekend. The day before, on Friday, Aaron had two seizures, and so he wasn’t able to go to his day group. He missed movie day, which always makes me sad. Thankfully, though, Aaron loves staying home and showed no regret at all.

On Friday evening, we all went to Wal-Mart to get Aaron’s weekend treats as well as some fun food for the weekend. We were expecting a strong winter storm to hit on Saturday evening and into Sunday, so there was excitement mixed in with our fun. We are snow lovers! I had especially waited until Gary was home from work so he could go with us, just in case Aaron had a seizure in Wal-Mart. We have learned that when Aaron has one or two seizures, he might have a drop seizure. These seizures, drop seizures, are so dangerous and unpredictable. This past year has seen Aaron have some serious injuries from falling. Thankfully, our shopping trip was uneventful and was fun for all of us, Aaron especially.

There were no more seizures during that night. Aaron was happy as could be to think of his free day ahead…the anticipated snow…making chocolate chip cookies with me…steak for supper…AND his special salad!! Whatever it’s called! 😊

Later that morning, before noon, Aaron was downstairs in Gary’s study. Aaron was talking up a storm of his own with Gary, as usual. I was in the kitchen, out of sight of the stairs. Suddenly I heard a terrible crash…and then the noise that I definitely recognized. A seizure!!

Gary was beside Aaron in an instant. As I started down the stairs, Gary told me to get towels. I was panicked and in tears as I ran for towels, hurrying them down to Gary. There was blood all over Gary’s hands. I knew this was serious.

As he started up the stairs, Aaron had fallen backward into a file cabinet, hitting the bottom metal handle with his head and actually bending it. Aaron is usually not conscious for a period of time after a seizure, sleeping soundly, but not on this day. He woke up, maybe because we were holding him and applying pressure to the gash on his head. Or perhaps he awakened because of the pain. He was combative and scared, something we’ve never seen. He was fighting us, trying to get away and go up the stairs as we held him tightly.

Finally, Aaron calmed down. He wanted to know why Gary’s hands were bloody, which of course was scary. We explained what happened and told him we would need to take him to the ER. Soon we were in the van, me sitting in the back with Aaron while Gary drove. Aaron was coherent then. The bleeding had stopped, but not his pain, of course. Yet he was remarkably calm and understanding, a trait he often displays in these frightening times. A gift from God, I’m sure.

I thought of other gifts from God as Gary drove. We talked about how thankful we were that the sun was shining and there was no snow yet. I was VERY thankful that it was a Saturday and Gary was home. And we were thankful still that there is a good hospital and emergency room out here in the country not far from our house.

We continued to be grateful that Aaron was seen immediately and that the CAT Scan showed no damage to his head or neck. Aaron was so compliant during the scan, even though it hurt his head and the bleeding began again, worse than ever.

But oh, how my heart hurt for our son! I couldn’t let him know that. Gary and I stayed strong for Aaron and for each other. I really wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, but God gave so much grace to be fully there for Aaron.

And there was Aaron, fully talking up a storm about nuclear bombs, of all things! Talk, talk, talk he did in his typical Aaron fashion. He knows a captive audience when he sees one, let me tell you!!

God gave special strength to Aaron, especially, as he endured 8 staples being put in his head. I knelt by his side, stroking his arm and face and talking to him during the ordeal. With each staple, he would flinch…eyes closed…and mutter a soft “ow.” I felt like my heart was being pierced each time.

I tell you, our children with medical issues…and I know a lot!…are true heroes. They endure more pain IN their lives, and disruption OF their lives, than I can fathom. And yet they just keep on going. One of our sweetest blessings is that Aaron doesn’t feel sorry for himself or complain about his lot. He LOVES to talk about what happens to anyone who will listen, trust me, and even to perfect strangers…but he doesn’t act like he resents this life that he lives.

However, once in a while, he does give us a glimpse into his heart and his thoughts. He did just that on Sunday as we made his cookies, lots of snow outside our windows, and his head still bandaged.

“Mom?” he began. “Saturday, I thought, would have been a good day, but it wasn’t.”

I really wanted to wrap him in a hug…which he would have promptly pulled away from…and empathize with him about what a bad day it certainly was. But I knew that I needed to point him to a principle that God points ME to, over and over.

Thankfulness.

“I know it was a hard day, Aaron, but it ended good,” I reminded him. “What did you have for supper?”

“We had steak!” he answered with enthusiasm.

“And what else?” I prompted him.

He thought a few seconds. I was hopeful that he just MIGHT remember the name of the salad.

“Triple egg salad!!!” he exclaimed.

Triple Egg Salad??!!

How on earth did Seven Layer Salad become Triple Egg Salad?!

Whatever.

So, for that moment, we were both thankful for Triple Egg Salad!

And in my heart, for so many other blessings as well!

Weary

I’m sitting here wondering how to start this post, so I’m just going to start this post by telling you that I’m sitting here wondering how to start this post.

I’m still sitting here, wondering.

So I’ll just launch into it. Gary and I had a disagreement on Saturday about Aaron.

There. I said it.

It’s not the first and it won’t be the last. 😊

Aaron may be nearing 34 years of age, but Gary and I are still in the thick of parenting, believe me. Like all parents, we don’t always see eye to eye on every issue. And just when Gary and I think we have some situation all figured out, Aaron not only changes the rules, he changes the entire game!!

Not to sound like a whiner but parenting a special needs adult – or child – is challenging even on a good day. Gary and I both get tired, on many levels. What may not be a big deal can easily turn into a huge deal when we’re tired. And trust me, Aaron can wear us totally out.

For instance, Aaron has just finished watching all four of the Jaws movies. It’s taken him some time to watch all four of those movies. Aaron’s current movie becomes his obsession, so lately we have heard more about sharks than we ever, ever, EVER wanted to hear. Shark teeth, shark gills, shark size, shark color, shark location, shark diet, shark movies, and will there be a FIFTH Jaws??!!

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Please tell me no on that last one!

It’s like I told Gary on Saturday during our discussion about our disagreement…there are some days, many days, that by the end of the day, I am SO done. Just really, completely done.

Not done with having Aaron live here. Not done with loving Aaron, by any means. But just done, as in deep down bone tired.

And so is Gary.

We talked and came to an agreement, and we still love each other. We even still LIKE each other!

But being tired…not just physically tired, but soul tired…isn’t resolved as quickly. I don’t know about you, but when I get like this I tend to magnify everything. Small issues become much larger than they really are. I mentally bounce all over the place, making mountains out of mole hills, even when I know better.

I sat down on the patio with my cup of coffee, enjoying the birds and the breeze, and I talked to the Lord. I told Him I was tired, as if He didn’t know that. And I told Him, as I am prone to do, that I sure would love to hear from Him.

As clear as day, this day that was just starting, this verse went through my mind: “Be not weary in well doing…”

And I felt a real peace.

I got on my phone to look up the verse because I’m terrible at remembering references. It’s Galatians 6:9 (one of the verses), and so I continued to scroll down on my phone to look at other translations and notes.

One of the references was Malachi 1:13. I hope you’re going to love this as much as I did. Without going into tons of detail, God was talking to Israel about how they were neglecting to truly worship Him. They were bringing defiled food and sickly animals for their sacrifices.

God told Israel, “You also say, ‘My, how tiresome it is!’ And you disdainfully sniff at it,” says the Lord of hosts.”

Israel was tired of doing the right thing. They were tired of obeying God. In fact, they sniffed at God’s instruction to them. That means that they blew through their nose. Much like I did on Saturday morning. You know…that sniff through the nose when you’re frustrated with something.

Don’t tell me you’ve never done it!

Sniff!!

OK, so I live with Aaron and I do get tired. But when God says to not weary in well doing, He’s not saying I should never get tired and if I do then I’m sinning. The “weary” in that verse means “to fail in heart.”

It’s my heart…my heart issues…I need to guard.

How do I do that? By being careful not to offer God a sacrifice unworthy of Who He is. God wants me to offer sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving and trust. And I can only do this when I stop and realize that He is sovereign over my life…my whole life…even all the Aaron moments. And anything else that weighs me down and causes me to sniff disdainfully.

To lay at God’s feet my worries, my anger, my sadness, my regrets…whatever else there may be…and then to replace all those things with praise and thankfulness and trust in Him.

Then I am better equipped to consciously continue in well doing…to do right even when I don’t feel like doing right…to not be weary in well doing.

It’s a tall order for sure. But I have a tall God who really will…and does…give me what I need, when I need it.

There’s a promise at the end of Galatians 6:9: “…for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.”

Our reaping will take various forms, but a big one is a harvest of peace. My situation may not change, but God will give peace as I obey Him.

What’s got you tired today? Our lists get long, don’t they? Health…finances…children…jobs…moving…rejection…hurts…church…

But through and in it all, don’t let your heart fail. Don’t fail to thank God for so many things, and for WHO He is!

Don’t sniff at your life but sacrifice your life to the One Who loves you so much!

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Seeing BIG!

Last Friday evening, a good old Kansas thunderstorm was trying to blow in from the west.

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By the time we were getting ready for bed, the winds were kicking up and the lightning was really flashing. Aaron, who loves storms…especially nighttime storms…was very excited at the prospect of a lightning show, seen clearly from his upstairs westward facing windows.

“Mom, I want to keep my blinds open,” he informed me as we went through his bedtime routine. I knew he would want to do this. Every time we have a storm when it’s time for bed…or the prospect of a storm during the night…Aaron wants to keep his blinds open so that he can see the lightning in all its bright glory.

I’m glad that he’s not scared. In fact, I join Aaron in his love of watching lightning. That’s why, after I told him goodnight, I went straight to the bedroom on the other end of the hall. We still call this room “Andrea’s room,” even though she hasn’t lived here for years.

I stood at the windows there, in the dark, enjoying the gorgeous light show at this perfect vantage point. I was actually having a little worship service right there. Seeing God’s power displayed like this in nature makes me feel so small as I’m reminded of how big God is.

I was also reminded of a time several years ago when Gary and I were going through some deep waters. God drew me to Isaiah 40 one morning. Reading of God’s might in creation really soothed my heart. Isaiah said that the nations are like a drop in a bucket…we are like grasshoppers…that God stretches the heavens like a curtain…and that He created the stars and calls them by name.

A God with that much power and that much care over creation and over our affairs is surely a God big enough to handle my little problems that seemed huge to me!

These truths were going through my mind as I watched the lightning at Andrea’s windows and as I thanked God for His love and His power. But soon my private viewing of this storm was interrupted. I heard Aaron’s bedroom door open.

“Mom?” he asked as I heard his bare feet padding up the hall.

“I’m in here, Aaron,” I answered. “I’m watching the lightning.”

“Mom!!” he exclaimed as he joined me at the windows. “I saw it BIG!!”

So there we stood, side by side, watching each streak and each flash of lightning. Some were muted, but still beautiful. Then would come a huge burst of light, sometimes with jagged bolts, so bright it actually made us squint our eyes.

“There’s a BIG one!!” Aaron would say loudly as he rubbed his hands together and laughed.

Soon he was back in his bed for the rest of the storm, his blinds pushed up so that he could fully see and enjoy each bright burst of lightning.

I’ve thought a lot since that night about what Aaron saw and what he said. The lightning, so bright and stunning, was indeed impressive. No wonder Aaron couldn’t just lie in his bed, looking through his windows. No wonder he wanted to keep his blinds open so that he could fully see each flash. No wonder he just HAD to find me and to share his excitement.

“I saw it BIG!!”

I want to see God like that in my life. I want to see Him BIG, but not to just expect His bigness to be demonstrated in BIG events.

It’s like the lightning. God didn’t only create the huge flashes of light. He also created the softer, smaller bursts of light…even though they weren’t as impressive as the big and bold displays. All of God was in all the varying degrees of lightning that night.

I admit that I love the times when God is big and evident in my life. And don’t the huge answers to prayer…the “just perfect” verse for the hard times…the miraculous displays of His power…knock our socks off and give amazing testimony to His provision in our lives?

But so do the smaller events…the still, quiet voice…like the little storm cloud that Elijah saw on the horizon, the one that turned into a huge storm. Or later, how God spoke to Elijah – but not in the strong wind, not in the earthquake, not in the fire. God chose that day to speak to Elijah in a gentle blowing, a soft whisper. But God’s power was just the same in the softness and smallness as it was at other louder and bigger times. The same God Who sent fire from heaven to consume Elijah’s sacrifice was the God Who also spoke to his servant in a whisper.

On my birthday last month, I found myself sad instead of happy. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Nothing bad had happened. I just missed Andrea and Kyle, and Andrew, and extended family. I don’t particularly enjoy holidays and special days for that reason. But instead of feeling God’s presence, I was allowing my birthday party to be a pity party instead.

I walked into Bath and Body Works to pick up some soaps. I always shop with a coupon. My mantra is “It was on sale and I had a coupon!” Just ask my kids. Anyway, I had no coupon because I had used mine a couple weeks earlier. I sighed, bit the bullet, and went inside to shop. My “no coupon” situation further amplified my sad day. Silly, I know, but that was where I was on that morning.

All of a sudden, a stranger walked up to me. She held out a coupon and asked me if I could use it. She said she had no need for it. I was so amazed! Such a simple act, but one that clearly touched my sad heart. I thanked her profusely, and then I told her that this day was my birthday. She was so delighted to hear that! She wished me a very happy birthday as she handed me the coupon and walked away. And my heart was lighter. I thanked the Lord as I drove home for that very sweet show of love for me in that moment…both the love shown by a stranger…and the love shown to me by my Heavenly Father. For I knew, in that very common and small gesture, that God was reminding me of His love and care for me.

I saw Him BIG in that little act!

Sometimes God shows Himself big here at home, in common events that I often see. Yet what I don’t always see is the bright touch of God. The commonplace can all too often hide God’s touch…not because God isn’t showing Himself to be there…but because I too often keep the blinds of my heart closed. I just don’t pay attention to what He is wanting me to see.

Aaron had a seizure at the supper table one recent night. Gary and I had worked all day on projects around the house. We were both dirty and tired, especially Gary. When Aaron suddenly started seizing, Gary immediately went to his side and held him so that he wouldn’t fall out of the chair. Thankfully, Aaron was safe. As he came out of the seizure and was more aware of his surroundings, Gary knelt down by Aaron’s chair and just talked to him. The look in Aaron’s eyes as he looked into Gary’s eyes was just precious. I snapped this picture.

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As I have looked at it, I realize that right there was God’s big love shining out of Gary to his son. I am so thankful for this husband who walks beside me in life, and who also kneels down to care for our Aaron.

And also grateful that I looked through the open windows of my heart, blinds up, and saw what I know God wanted me to see. His power and love was shining through Gary to Aaron, and also to me. What a gift, all too often taken for granted! Just like the Kansas storms that we get accustomed to seeing and hearing, so I can get accustomed to the care of this good man that God has given me.

Oh God, may I “see it BIG,” every day. May I see YOU…BIG…in the joys and the sorrows; in the small and the large; in the friend and the stranger; in the familiar and the new; in the mundane and the unique; and in our home, all around me, every day.

The Sprinkler Rainbow

“MOM!!” Aaron yelled one evening not long ago as he rushed into the house. “Come look at what Dad and I saw in the sprinkler!!”

It was just after supper and I was busy cleaning the kitchen as my mind was skipping to the next thing I needed to do. That next thing was NOT to drop what I was doing and go outside to look in the sprinkler.

Aaron commonly does this to us…insisting that we come here or go there or look at that in order to see or hear something that to him is just amazing…and to us is often not.

Yet we have also learned, over our years of life with Aaron, two important lessons. One is that taking the time to see what Aaron sees is sometimes a source of great joy and wonder and fun. We might miss something fantastic if we don’t stop to look when Aaron says to stop and look.

And number two is that if we don’t just go ahead and listen and look, we will not have peace until we have heard and seen whatever in the world it is that Aaron is hearing and observing. The price of peace is certainly worth a look and a listen.

So outside I went, following Aaron as he led the way through the garage and out to the front yard.

“LOOK!!!” he exclaimed as he pointed toward the spraying water. “A RAINBOW!!!”

I obediently looked, and sure enough…there through the mist…was a rainbow.

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Now I’ve seen rainbows in the water’s spray before as the sun shines on the droplets just right. I’ve seen sprinkler rainbows lots of times. But seeing the colorful prism through Aaron’s excited vision made that rainbow a very special sight indeed!

The moment was so sweet and brought a huge smile to my tired face. Plus knowing that Gary had shared the discovery of that rainbow with Aaron, full of the facts surrounding the reasons why there even was a rainbow, brought me extra joy. It was very well worth the extra minutes out of my day.

This past week I had what my good friend, Atha, would have called the “mulligrubs.” That’s a real word, by the way. It’s an old word for being down…on the sad side…having the gloomies. Atha always understood me and I understood her, and we both understood those old down moments…or days. Atha doesn’t have the mulligrubs anymore because she’s in heaven, but I’m still here on this earth where I sometimes battle the mulligrubs.

There are several reasons why I was gloomy last week, none of which are particularly important. What’s important is that I was letting my emotions, my worries, and my stresses get the best of me. Even my prayers seemed to bounce off the ceiling, not going very far, and this definitely left me feeling even worse.

God talked to me in my gloom, though, and reminded me of what Paul said to Timothy about contentment. He said that godliness…WITH contentment…is great gain. But how to be content? Especially how to be content when the tendency of my heart in those moments…or days…is quite the opposite. That’s because my focus was on ME…not on God…and not on what God was trying to get me to see.

But God, ever patient, reminded me of another truth. It’s found in Psalm 50:23 and says, “He who offers a sacrifice of thanksgiving honors Me.” This concept is nothing new, to me or to you, but I am ever amazed at how being thankful can quickly become buried under all my “me stuff.”

It’s like me in the kitchen the evening that Aaron saw the sprinkler rainbow. I was focused on the task at hand, and then the next task, and the next, and the next…becoming overwhelmed with all I had to DO. But stopping to listen to Aaron, to follow him outside, and to observe the pretty rainbow added a splash of joy that I needed that day, even though I didn’t think I did. I had to stop…to take the time…to really SEE what needed to be seen.

A sacrifice.

A sacrifice is not only something that I give, but a sacrifice should cost me something. Otherwise, it’s not really a sacrifice in the true sense of the word.

So what does a sacrifice of thanksgiving cost…to me?

A sacrifice of thanksgiving costs me…me.

It means I lay “me” aside and I dwell on other things for awhile…or other people…or other situations.

It means I sacrifice myself in order that I may focus on God’s good gifts that are all around me. When the going gets tough, and the burdens are heavy, and the heart is lonely, and the concerns are just too much…then is when I need to follow God outside of all that, and to look through His eyes at what is around me.

Through the mist that might obscure my vision, if I just stop and look, I’ll see a rainbow. Splashes of God’s blessings and color all around me.

I have a loving heavenly Father…a house…food…eyes to see…ears to hear…clothes to wear…a car to drive…flowers that bloom (at least some of them!)…a faithful and hard working husband…hands and legs and hair on my head (even on my all-too-often bad hair days!)…our sweet new friend, Jess, at Subway – who remembers Aaron and just gave him some money for Chubby, his stuffed piggy bank…and Aaron!

Aaron…who consumes my time and concerns my heart and confuses my plans and convicts me that God is very real and very present in our lives.

Aaron…who showed me the rainbow in the sprinkler, and once again helped me to also see God.

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Quit Chasing the Carrot

I was ready to take Aaron to his day group this morning, waiting on him to also be ready, and so I decided to go ahead and take our recycle items out to the recycling trash can outside. I hurriedly passed by our Rose of Sharon bush that sits right outside the garage door, at the corner of our house. This bush is a prolific grower, so as I passed around it on my way to the recycle can I was thinking that its branches were starting to once again crowd the walkway.

“I need to remember to trim it soon,” I thought as I walked around it. “It seems like I just did that.” And my mind made a note on my mental “to-do” list of yet another job that needed doing.

But as I was dodging long branches, and buzzing bees, I was struck with the beauty of the blooms……the blooms that I so often take for granted because I’m too busy with other things “to-do”………and too focused on the work that was being presented instead of the beautiful workmanship right there in front of me.

I took Aaron then to Great Clips for a haircut before dropping him off at Paradigm. When I got home, I took a few minutes to look at our Rose of Sharon bushes……really look.

There is so much beauty there in each bloom.

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So much stunning color.

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Such intricate handiwork done by God.

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Why don’t I take the time to notice and appreciate this gift? Because I’ve grown so used to it that it doesn’t seem important to me on a daily basis. I see them every day. They’re common, routine, old hat.

Much like the morning I just had with Aaron. A morning full of his routine……coffee, shower, always talking, computer, get him out the door…..nothing fantastic or amazing.

What if I decided I was tired of this routine? And oh, I have! But what if I decided not to participate in it anymore? Things would really fall apart if I reneged on my responsibility.

But what if I realized that this is not just a responsibility? My life with Aaron is a privilege……an opportunity.

How is that?

Yesterday, over lunch, my friend Joyce told me again how she had read a book out loud to her two special needs sons. She told me this again……because she reads that same book, or sometimes on a good day another book……every single night to her sons. Again, and again, and again, and again……

It really hit me how wearying that sameness is to her. In fact, she and I laugh about the sameness of our lives with our special sons. I’ve written about Aaron and Skip-Bo…..Aaron and his bedtime routine…..morning routine……insistence on sameness.

And sometimes I wonder, is this all there is for me? I am limited in what I can do because of being tied down with Aaron. There, I said it.

I mean, I’m limited in what I can do with my life OTHER than Aaron. I can’t even commit to jury duty or volunteering because he might be having a seizure day or a meltdown day, and I would be a no-show.

But as Joyce talked, and we laughed about the book reading, I told her that there is another side to this life. She is giving glory to God in taking care of her sons, day after day, again and again and again.

You see, God has given her…..and me…..and you…..the life we have. Sometimes we think that there must be more out there for us. If only I could do this, or do that……go here or go there……accomplish this or that like others do…..then my life would have wonderful, beautiful purpose.

When really, right in front of me, IS my purpose. I often see only drudgery if I’m not careful. Or at least boring sameness.

But God put me where I am, of that I am certain. So why do I keep chasing the carrot, thinking that grabbing that “always out of reach” something will be where my joy and accomplishment will lie?

God wants obedience more than anything in my life. He wants me to live this life that He planned for me, faithfully, here and now, with my eyes on Him and on the responsibilities that come with this life with Aaron……not with my eyes on the “what could be but won’t be.” And then as a result, living in defeat and frustration and anger because I can’t catch that carrot.

So every day with Aaron is a day to point to God by being obedient in the sameness. I point to God and give Him the glory He deserves when I am faithful where He has put me, not when I am unhappy and miserable. Misery disappears, too, when I am thankful for this life.

Thankfulness and misery can’t be in the same room together. The choice is mine.

It’s good to step back sometimes and look at the big picture……to see how all the blooms grow together into a thing of beauty……not a thing that needs be dealt with, but to be genuinely enjoyed.

I may not even see the beauty this side of heaven, but God does. And someday He’ll share it with me, and I’ll be amazed at how the routine and the sameness and the seeming insignificance were actually huge and wonderful and just what He designed for me and for Him.

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The Yo-Yo Life

Aaron had some seizures last night. We think he only had two. At least that’s all we heard. But boy, is he ever out of it today! It’s amazing how sometimes he bounces back quickly after seizures, and at other times he’s totally wiped out for a day or two. I can only imagine what they do to his brain……physically, mentally, emotionally.

Throw in a dash of autism, stir the pot, and BOOM!!

Poor Aaron!

It’s amazing, too, when you look at it in pictures. Here is Aaron on Friday when I picked him up from his day group.

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He had seen Spiderman, but even more important to him at that moment were the Sycamore seed pods he had found and couldn’t wait to show me……and later to show Gary. Leave it to Aaron to find what to him is most unusual, but to us is very usual, and then to make sure that we see that object through his eyes. He’s pretty cool that way. Just look at the delight on his face!

He makes us stop and see things his way. Sometimes it’s great fun…..and other times, it’s greatly frustrating.

Anyway, compare Friday to today. He got up late this morning, dreary and slow from the seizures. He seems to have pulled a muscle in his right arm, which was hurting him. But he saw the Sunday morning coupons and so readied his usual coupon area for the job he always does, seizures or not.

Except this morning his body just wouldn’t cooperate. This is how he ended up, coupons and coffee untouched.

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A couple hours later we heard him getting off the couch. He decided to cut the coupons and drink his coffee. I checked on him shortly and here is what I found.

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It wasn’t another seizure. He’s just very tired today from the ones last night.

He woke up again awhile later, ready once more to try clipping coupons. I heated his very cold coffee, which he drank while he read the Sunday comics. Then he asked for his fuzzy blanket and his fuzzy pillow, and wondered if he could lay on the big couch. He was only down for a few minutes before realizing that he just wasn’t sleepy anymore, so he got up and began the coupons that had been waiting all this time.

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I tell you all of this so you can catch a glimpse into how seizures affect both Aaron and us. Our day revolves around Aaron’s needs when things are normal, but when he is having a rough day physically then we must stop what we have planned and be here for him. Gary and I can tag team on a weekend like this, but when it happens during the week then I must often change my plans in order to be with Aaron. And sometimes Aaron has missed fun days, like movie days at Paradigm or other events, because of his seizures.

These days and these pictures are also an example of how Aaron’s life is full of ups and of downs, as all of us have, but which he cannot control, be it from seizures or from behaviors. We saw it very clearly while on vacation last week, which I hope to write more about later.

Happy moments…..angry moments……sad moments……fun moments, are all wrapped up in Aaron. This is why I think of myself, and so many others with similar issues, as Yo-Yo Parents. We get jerked around a lot, that’s for sure, but must always remember that God is the one in control even when we feel like things are out of control. He orders our steps, including the ups and even the downs.

And God comforts our hearts when we see the child we love having so many issues to overcome.

I have so many reasons for which to be thankful, but none more than the fact that the God I know and love also knows and loves me, and Gary, and most definitely our Aaron.

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	Patty hesaidwhatks on Such a Fun Fall Day!
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