Peace – Page 5 – He Said What?!

Set It Aside

One morning shortly before Christmas, Gary and I sat down to eat breakfast with Aaron. We were enjoying our eggs, sausage, and biscuits while listening to Aaron talk…always Aaron is talking!

Aaron pushed back his chair and got up to get something from the kitchen – probably more napkins or silverware since one napkin and one set of silverware is never adequate in Aaron’s book. I looked up then to see that Aaron had put his biscuit off his plate. He had set it aside in order to keep his plate from being crowded and to keep the food from touching.

We just left it there, choosing not to make that action an issue on this pleasant morning. Aaron has his particular ways. And Gary and I have learned to choose our battles carefully because disrupting Aaron’s ways can leave a trail of anger and frustration for all of us…and many times, it’s just not worth it.

Such is our life with autism, this matter of what to set aside and what to put back on the plate.

I had a full plate of Aaron issues last week. We had unaccounted money gone from Aaron’s wallet, which means he probably gave some away at his day group. He knows better, but he has a very hard time resisting the urge to share his money with his friends. Therefore, he has become quite adept at not telling the truth, which was another issue we had to handle with Aaron.

Aaron became so frustrated that on Wednesday, he erupted in anger and tears at his day group. He called me on the phone several times…he threw his shoe and his glasses…he yelled…and all in all was just extremely unhappy.

His coat also got torn on both sides. Aaron said that was done in fun as he and another client chased each other. Either way, Wednesday was a rough day in more ways than one.

On Friday night, shortly after midnight, Aaron had the first of four seizures…the last one being at 6:40 Saturday morning. I was fixing his favorite salad that morning, hoping he could enjoy it for supper as I hauled his wet bedding down the stairs and then helped him get settled on the couch for more sleep…and hopefully no more seizures.

Bless his heart. He can’t help his behaviors any more than he can help his seizures. Yet while his seizures touch my heart, sometimes his behaviors do quite the opposite.

I thought about his biscuit as I was processing all that happened last week. What do I set aside, and what do I keep on my plate?

I need to set aside resentment and anger, which is not always easily done. Living full time with Aaron can take a toll on me and on Gary. But God has led us to this life, and we know that He will keep us where we need to be if we just focus our eyes on Him and not on our circumstances.

I must set aside selfishness. Mending Aaron’s coat…taking him to have his bent glasses adjusted…washing his bedding and clothes…listening to his explanations over and over and over… All these are actions that take my time and energy. As any caregiver knows…as any parent knows…selfishness and service do not mix. One must go off the plate.

Fear is another thing that needs to go. Aaron’s seizures make my heart leap with fright for an instant. I don’t think one ever gets used to them. His future, too, can cause my heart to fear. But again, I know that this path we walk is not alone. God is with us each step and He has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.

Now what do I keep on my plate? I keep the reminder of God’s great faithfulness. I keep His Word in my heart. I am mindful of His grace for each day and each moment.

I keep humor nearby, always. A cheerful heart is the best medicine, like God said, for me and for Aaron, even when Aaron gives me a blank look when I think I’m very funny. 😊

I also count my blessings! My plate overflows with blessings if I but look around me. For instance, on Saturday I was very thankful for the blessing of a washer and dryer instead of a bucket and a clothesline. Thankful for a warm house, food to eat and to fix for Aaron, and thankful that Aaron could eat some bacon and eggs later that morning. And Aaron, who loves using multiple napkins, decided that the grease on his fingers could not wait for his napkin. His eyes shot over to me as he wondered if I saw what he just did.

“I was wiping a grease of bacon on my pants,” he seriously informed me.”

There’s the humor!! 😊

Thankfulness, too, for Aaron’s amazing way with words. After all, that’s a big reason I started writing this blog and named it He Said WHAT?!

And there is yet another blessing! All my readers mean more to me than I can express.

See how it goes? My plate is filling up with good stuff, none of which I want to set aside.

Time to taste and see that the Lord is good!

Hovering God

A good word for this year, and especially for the upcoming days of uncertainty for believers politically. This is from the book I am reading as I study the book of Numbers. God appeared to Israel as He hovered over the tent of meeting as a cloud by day and fire by night. When the cloud or fire moved, they moved. It required a great deal of trust, especially when God didn’t move for long periods. Like Israel, we want to see God move and when it appears He isn’t, then it’s easy to become discouraged and to lose hope.

“There were days when they could see that they were making progress, but at other times they may have been puzzled because nothing was happening. Why the tiresome delay? For most of us, at some time or another, life has its bewildering waiting times. The evidence of God’s continuing care appears limited, even absent. The Puritans spoke about ‘the soul’s winter times’, when everything appears cold, bleak, and barren. We wish God would speak to us more clearly about why we are going through such dark days, when it is hard to hold on. BUT WAITING TIMES ARE NOT WASTED TIMES. When the guidance we look for is just not there, we must calmly renew our confidence in God; ‘such a resolution can never go to hell with thee’, said Thomas Goodwin. There is some wise purpose in life’s bleak experiences. GOD IS STILL PRESENT. ‘Moses approached the thick darkness where God was.’ In the desolate years of late-seventeenth-century persecution, John Flavel urged his contemporaries to ‘exercise the faith of adherence when you have lost the faith of evidence.’ (Raymond Brown)

God knows what He is doing…and if our road ahead is hard, God still knows what He is doing.

In our personal lives…in our lives in God’s kingdom…in our family lives – we must trust God and obey Him and leave all the rest up to Him. I believe hard days are ahead for Christians. But I would by far rather be following God today than to follow any other person or cause.

Thank you, God, for reminding us at this time of year that You are Immanuel…GOD WITH US. We really have nothing to fear.

My Lot in Life

Having Aaron still live at home with us can present challenges in various ways. One issue that Gary and I face is, at times, trying to have a prolonged conversation with just the two of us. It’s amazing how often we have the following scenario:

I walk down to Gary’s study and sit in the rocker. Aaron is safely WAY up on the third floor, in his room, absorbed in a game or a movie. But somehow, someway, it’s as if the tiniest sound of our voices reaches Aaron’s ears even through his earbuds. Soon we hear the unmistakable THUMP THUMP THUMP of his heavy footsteps coming down first one set of stairs and then the second set of stairs. Gary and I look at each other in resignation as Aaron charges into the study. “MOM!!! (or DAD!!!),” Aaron bellows. “Did you know that the core of the earth is HOT?!! Why is the core of the earth hot? Can we go to the core? Would you like to go to the core of the earth??” Aaron doesn’t notice the lack of interest on our faces or hear our sighs. “No, Aaron,” I (or Gary) reply, “we don’t want to go the core of the earth.” (Although that thought might be attractive at the moment in order to afford us some privacy!). “Why not?!!” Aaron asks. So we tell him that we will talk about this later and we tell him to go back to his room and ponder the core of the earth a bit more and we wait for him to leave before we try to resume our conversation.

I have been known to say, more than once, something to this effect: “You know, it seems to be our lot in life that we can hardly have a private conversation.” Gary and I laugh as we both agree with this truth in our lives.

However, there are times that referring to my lot in life can take on a more serious tone and one that is defeating. I may not even verbalize my thoughts. That thought may be fleeting or if I’m not careful, may take root in my mind.

My “lot in life” may be an ongoing situation, such as having our adult special needs son still living with us and facing all the challenges that brings.

My “lot in life” may be a sudden situation that intrudes into my peaceful life. We all have them. Health, finances, children situations, jobs…

There is a truth that I must remember when my mind travels to considering my “lot in life.” That phrase conjures up a roll of the dice…the hand I was given…good or bad luck.

Each of those concepts go totally against my walk with God. As a follower of Christ my life is not controlled by luck or how my stars are aligned or any such nonsense.

Here’s how David put it:

“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot.”

(Psalm 16:5)

My life’s circumstances are not controlled by chance but are designed by God for me.

God is providentially ordering my life.

And He is doing the same for yours if you are His child and are following Him.

Therefore, I can…I SHOULD…be content with God’s design of my life. Even the very hard parts that bring tears and fears.

One more thing. My “lot in life” is not your “lot in life.” And your “lot in life” is not my “lot in life.”

When I go to comparing my life to yours then I will inevitably be either discouraged or boastful…and both of those attitudes are terribly wrong.

Again, David said it well:

“I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.” (Psalm 16:8)

God is to be my point of reference. He is the answer to all my questions.

God is the One Who has given me my “lot in life.”

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP

When is the Time to Trust?

A couple mornings ago I felt compelled to open my very old copy of the classic devotional book, Streams in the Desert. This book was a gift from my home church when I graduated from high school way back in 1973. But even though my graduation date makes the book old…of which I am all too aware more and more each day…the actual writings of Mrs. Charles Cowman were first published in 1925. Her writing style may be old school, but the deep truths contained therein are timeless.

I was touched deeply by what I read that morning about faith and trust. I jotted a few notes, tucked the truths away in my mind, and was soon about my busy day. Aaron was staying home that day and we had fun plans!

Our plans were to meet some friends at All Star Sports for a morning of games. My friend Joyce and I had decided to get our two sons together. It would be the first time that Johannes and Aaron would be with each other for an outing, and we both wondered how it would go.

How it went was great! I mean, there wasn’t tons of interaction between them, but the ice was broken, and plans were made for more time together. Sweet Johannes held his hand out and with a prompt from me, Aaron shook his hand without squeezing it too hard, and Joyce and I laughed and were happy. The boys had a good time and that’s what mattered!

Aaron and I then went to eat some lunch and to drop off donations at Goodwill before heading home. Soon after we got home, Aaron took a nap. I had the monitor nearby, listening as I always do when he sleeps. I really didn’t expect to hear a seizure, so I was surprised when I suddenly heard that unmistakable sound coming across the table where I sat.

It was a hard seizure, lasting close to 3 minutes. And exactly one hour later, to the minute, he had another one. It wasn’t as long as the first one but was still 2 minutes long. Thankfully, he was done then and had no more the rest of the day.

It’s so surprising, even now after all these years, how quickly Aaron can go from being out and about, happy and fine, to having a seizure. I don’t try to figure them out like I used to do, but I still find myself wondering why.

Even the next day on the way home from his day group, his speech was somewhat slurred, and he was very tired. He fell asleep on the way home instead of his usual non-stop talking. Was it the residual effects of yesterday’s seizure, I wondered? Is his sodium low again? Will he have another seizure when he gets home and takes a nap?

So, even though this is Aaron’s life and our life, it’s still disconcerting. Worrying. Unsettling.

My mind was drawn back to the devotional I read earlier that morning. I went back to it and was, as I always am, so amazed at how God has for me just what I need when I most need it.

Mrs. Cowman’s words were based on the story of Paul’s shipwreck in Acts 27. The south wind blew gently as the sailor’s pulled anchor. Paul had warned them not to take this trip, but they didn’t listen. And that south wind was such a hopeful sign to them that they were right, and Paul was wrong.

But soon a terrible storm hit. For days the ship was violently tossed on the waves. During that horrible storm, with no sun or stars for days…with everything thrown off the ship that could possibly be tossed overboard…verse 20 says that all hope of being saved was abandoned.

But an angel of God stood before Paul to assure him there would be no loss of life. Paul stood bravely before those battered and terrified seasoned sailors, and confidently said, “So take heart, men, FOR I HAVE FAITH IN GOD!!”

I thought about our life with Aaron…the ups and downs in so many areas…and the fear concerning his seizures. How that day had been so much fun and so without fear, and then out of the blue came two hard seizures. It was easy for fear to replace our fun.

My need to trust God is always there, right at the surface, even underneath all the normal and the fun and the hopeful.

But ACTUALLY trusting God is a must when suddenly the normal and the fun and the hopeful is yanked away.

That level of trust is a conscious decision that I must make.

That level of trust isn’t based on circumstances or on feelings but is rooted in God Himself…in Who I know Him to be.

This year for all of us has seen the rug pulled out in so many areas of our lives. Things were going along pretty well for most of us. Then…BAM!!

COVID…jobs…riots…anger…fear…disagreement.

I want to leave you with the hope that God is not taken aback or surprised by any of this. He has a purpose and a plan.

Can you say, with Paul, that you have faith in God?

I want to leave you with a wonderful poem shared by Mrs. Cowman that I read that morning. I hope it will mean as much to you as it did…and does…to me.

When is the time to trust?

Is it when all is calm,

When waves the victor’s palm,

And life is one glad Psalm

Of joy and praise?

Nay! But the time to trust

Is when the waves beat high,

When storm clouds fill the sky,

And prayer is one long cry,

O help and save!

When is the time to trust?

Is it when friends are true?

Is it when comforts woo,

And in all we say and do

We meet but praise?

Nay! But the time to trust

Is when we stand alone,

And summer birds have flown,

And every prop is gone,

All else but God.

What is the time to trust?

Is it some future day,

When you have tried your way,

And learned to trust and pray

By bitter woe?

Nay! But the time to trust

Is in this moment’s need,

Poor, broken, bruised reed!

Poor, troubled soul, make speed

To trust thy God.

What is the time to trust?

Is it when hopes beat high,

When sunshine gilds the sky,

And joy and ecstasy

Fill all the heart?

Nay! But the time to trust

Is when our joy is fled,

When sorrow bows the head,

And all is cold and dead,

All else but God.

To Ignore Aaron

Anyone who has been exposed to Aaron will no doubt agree on this: Aaron is very hard to ignore!

Aaron is going to do what Aaron is going to do. He is mostly unaware and uncaring of the reactions he generates from others.

Whether he is sitting in our front yard relaxing as he breaks apart the mulch:

Or dressing in this hilarious “fashion” for all to see:

Or deciding to pet Moe, our neighbor’s cat, on Moe’s level:

There is generally no stopping Aaron from forging ahead with his version of living life to the fullest!

Aaron struggles with waiting on me to do an activity with him. I often don’t tell him that we’re going somewhere, for instance, until shortly before we leave. If I tell him that we’re going out, then he hovers and gets very impatient with me. Best to just dash out the door quickly than to endure the anger that his impatience causes.

But some activities are set in stone, for the most part, and Aaron will begin his hovering when HE is ready for whatever that event is. Every night we watch a program together. Most often it’s a series that we are going through. Right now we’re watching Little House on The Prairie. Nearly every night Aaron will begin his impatient waiting for me to be ready to watch our next episode. He will stand outside my bedroom or bathroom door, talking and questioning and getting angry if I don’t hurry. One recent evening, I told him to NOT wait outside my door. I was pleased that he obeyed, and I could get ready in peace and quiet.

But when I rounded the corner to go downstairs, here is what I saw:

Oh Aaron!! 😊 😊

“I’m waiting on you to get ready!!!” he informed me.

And once again, Aaron was impossible to ignore.

When Aaron has crossed the line with his behaviors, though, one way to get my point across to him about his disobedience is to ignore him. I become quiet and I barely answer his questions, if at all. It’s hard for me to do that but I have learned that being ignored by me speaks more profoundly to Aaron than all the words in the world that I could use. He knows he has really done wrong and that he must make it right.

Last week Aaron and I were in a store. We were checking ourselves out when I ran into a problem and needed help. When the attendant stepped around the corner to help me, I saw that it was someone I have come to know there. Aaron knows her, as well. This person has a hard life, and sometimes she is very down. She doesn’t hide it, and when she approached me, I knew that she was having a bad day. She didn’t engage me at all when I spoke to her. I can handle that – no problem.

But Aaron doesn’t get those cues from people that you and I see. He noticed that her hair was different and so when she walked away from me, he followed her. When she stopped a short distance away, with Aaron at her back, he rubbed his hands together as he happily spoke to her.

“Your hair is short!!” he declared.

No response from her as she kept her back to Aaron.

“Your hair is short!!” he tried again.

Still no response.

I called Aaron back to me, telling him that she was busy, and he didn’t need to bother her today. I knew he was confused, though, because typically she engages him with interest and kindness.

As for me…I was so angry. For someone to dismiss and ignore Aaron has always been a very hard thing for me to handle.

I stayed pretty riled up about it for the rest of that day. I talked to my husband and to my daughter about it later. I stewed and brewed for quite some time.

But God, as He always does if I but listen, told me that I should not only pray about my reaction but that I should definitely pray for this sad person.

And that I should remember a verse from Psalm 37 that I had recently studied:

“Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it only leads to evildoing.” (Psalm 37:8)

Do you know what the word “fret” means? It means “to get burned up.”

And that’s exactly how I felt! It burned me up to see Aaron being so blatantly ignored!

Yet what I needed to carry away from this situation wasn’t my load of anger, or my justification for it. I needed to release my feelings to God and just put a stop to my desire to get even…to report her…to make a point.

Getting steamed about our hurts often leads to evildoing, as that verse says. We certainly are seeing that in our country today!

How much better it is to talk to God about it, and to follow the example of Jesus…who, though reviled, did not strike back.

It’s a choice I am allowed by God to make.

Do I choose peace? Or do I choose conflict?

It’s best to follow Aaron’s example, too. He does bounce back quickly from his anger and hurt, most of the time, settling in to the next thing that captures his attention.

So, like Aaron, I’ll find and choose the joy…in whatever shape it takes.

What Do I See?

Aaron and I were coming out of the grocery store recently. Suddenly he veered sharply to his left, leaned over, and proudly held up his prize find. A penny! He was so happy to have snatched this treasure! He proudly held it up for me to see before stashing it safely in his pant’s pocket.

This is so routine with Aaron. Everywhere we go, he spies items on the ground that most people don’t even see. Or if seen, most of us wouldn’t think they are worth our time or attention. But not Aaron!

We’ve had to teach him over the years that some things he sees are not treasures and are not even safe. Things like cigarette butts…yuck! Or random hair bands, bobby pins, or combs.

Last week, he and I walked out onto our driveway after a rain. Before I knew it, there he was, leaning over to look at what had caught his eye this time.

“MOM!! LOOK!!” he exclaimed. “It’s a worm!!”

A worm. Aaron just had to look closer at this worm and touch it. Again, to me it was just another worm, if I even did see it. But not to Aaron. To Aaron, this worm was a find worth investigating…worth stopping for…worth his notice.

This is such a strange and difficult time we are in right now. There is so much to absorb…to hear…to try to understand about this virus and about its dangers. We are besieged with so many changes and challenges.

What do we see when we look around us?

Fear?

Hardship?

Loss?

Stress?

Certainly, most of us can say yes, to one degree or another, to all the above.

But there’s something else we really must keep sight of. David said it perfectly in Psalm 26:3: “For Your lovingkindness is before my eyes…”

When my eyes dart here and there in such unusual times as we have right now, may I see…above all else…the lovingkindness of God.

Another version says: “Indeed, Your covenant love stands right before my eyes…”

God’s love for us is right before our eyes, every day and every moment of this scary and trying time.

Sometimes I just don’t see it, though. I don’t see God’s love because I’m too focused on looking way ahead at what is yet to come, usually with trepidation instead of trust.

This verse continues this way: “Indeed, Your covenant love stands right before my eyes…and I have walked along in Your faithfulness.”

It’s not MY faithfulness that is being talked about here. It’s GOD’S faithfulness to me that matters!

We say God is love. We know God is love. But sometimes when life is overwhelming, we don’t see His love through eyes of faith.

We don’t understand why we’re being besieged by COVID-19. Why is God allowing this to happen?

We can’t say for sure, but what we do know for sure is that God loves all of us, and He wants each of us to know Him and to walk along in His faithfulness.

Sometimes I just need to stop, like Aaron so often does, and bend over before God as I look at His love.

When I observe His love and think of His deep love, I know peace that passes understanding.

Peace even in the middle of panic all around.

Then I can stand up again, sure of God’s love right before my eyes, and take off walking again.

Walking in God’s promised faithfulness through the uncertainty.

God’s love for each of us is worth our time and worth our notice. God makes THE biggest and best difference to me when I’m stressed.

It’s great to stop at some point each day right now, and just ponder the treasure I see right before me.

Thank you, God, that Your covenant love stands right before my eyes!

The Cold Snap

We have a little bush in our front flower bed, a perennial that we planted probably 17 years ago. In fact, I can’t even remember the name of this little bush, so I just call it that – Little Bush. This hardy bush keeps its leaves on all year long, which is part of its charm. In the summer the leaves are green with some maroon mixed in, and in the fall and winter the leaves are mostly maroon. Small berries also grow among the leaves in the fall, so by Christmas it seems to be all decorated for the season. I really like my Little Bush!

Last year, though, probably starting in March, I noticed that Little Bush didn’t look so healthy. Its leaves that always stay were falling off, until finally only stark, naked branches were there.

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This was quite unusual, and I was worried. Was I finally going to lose my long lasting little bush? Was there something that I could do to save it?

I kept looking at Little Bush, wondering what had happened. Then one day an article in the newspaper caught my attention. The headline said something about how certain trees and bushes in Wichita were losing their leaves. I read the information with interest because of my little bush. The writer explained that earlier in the winter we had experienced several nights when temperatures had dipped to -10 degrees or lower. These frigid temperatures had damaged some trees and bushes that normally held their leaves all winter.

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There was my explanation, I thought. This cold snap had damaged Little Bush. Then the article went on to assure gardeners not to worry but to be patient…that most trees and bushes would begin to grow again in the warmth of spring because their roots were not damaged by the extreme cold.

So I waited and I observed. I checked my little bush routinely and sure enough one day I saw tiny new leaves emerging on the empty twigs.

As time went on and the days passed, the warm spring sun and the rains did their restorative work. Little Bush grew…

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And grew…

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Until finally Little Bush was back, as pretty as ever!

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I’ve had some cold snaps in my life, too…times and events that came unexpectedly and with little or no warning. Everyone has.

Cold snaps hurt. And they take many various forms.

An illness. A diagnosis. Sudden death. Lingering death. Rejection. Accusation. Betrayal. Job loss. Divorce. A prodigal. Regret. Guilt.

I remember my dad’s victory over lung cancer…how relieved and thankful we were when treatments were complete and he was in remission. But before the five-year mark came the blood work and the testing and the phone call…liver cancer…inoperable…four more years of chemo…hospice…

Cold snap. Recovery. Then another cold snap.

But through it all, our family verse brought us each the warmth and the hope that we needed: “God is our refuge and strength; a very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1)

Sometimes our hard times…our cold snaps…make us feel like David when he said, “My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all day long – “Where is your God?” (Psalm 42:3)

Where is God in our pain? Oh, He hasn’t gone anywhere! He’s a very PRESENT help in our trouble, remember? He’s right here with us.

Right after David said his tears were his food, he said, “Why are you in despair, oh my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His PRESENCE.” (Psalm 42:5)

My little bush had hope because its roots were secure, and so do we who know and follow Christ. We have hope in our despair because we know that God is sovereign…He is in control…He has a plan…He is present…and He has a purpose for the cold snaps that rock our world.

“I called on Your name, O Lord, out of the lowest pit. You have heard my voice. Do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, from my cry for help. You drew near when I called on You. You said – “Do not fear!” (Lamentations 3:55-57)

God is near in our pain…near in our pondering…near in our praise that arises even out of hurt and unanswered questions.

I love these lyrics of Jeremy Camp’s song, He Knows:

All the bitter weary ways

Endless striving day by day

You barely have the strength to pray

In the valley low.

And how hard your fight has been

How deep the pain within

Wounds that no one else has seen

Hurts too much to show.

All the doubt you’re standing in between

And all the weight that brings you to your knees.

He knows

Every hurt and every sting

He has walked the suffering.

He knows

Let your burdens come undone

Lift your eyes up to the one

Who knows

He knows.

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Hanging Off – Or On?

Aaron has a way of repeating what we say but changing just one word or even just one letter, and so making us laugh or pause in thought. He has a uniquely Aaron way of expressing himself.

That is, after all, the reason I started this blog and the reason I named it He Said What?!

For instance, yesterday we had some rough weather move through our neck of these Kansas woods. Aaron was concerned, asking about the storms and wondering if he should turn off his computer.

I’ve often shown him the radar and pointed out some storms headed in our direction. I sometimes refer to them as a clump of storms coming our way.

So, as he followed me around the house and fretted over his computer being hit by lightning, he said, “Mom! Is that lump of storms going to hit us?!”

Two words, so similar, yet somehow the difference was enough to make me laugh.

Aaron has become a fan of the television show Chicago Fire. In December the fall finale had the typical…and very unrealistic…cliffhanger. Aaron has talked and talked and talked and talked about those canisters in that basement, surrounded by fire, and whether they would blow up or not!!!

I told him that this was a cliffhanger. Aaron, who is very literal, saw no cliff in that fall finale. He also saw no one hanging from a cliff in that basement.

I therefore…and not for the first time…explained that a cliffhanger is when the show’s producers leave you hanging on after the last show of the season in order to make you come back and watch the first show of the new season.

Hanging ON.

But here is Aaron’s take:

“MOM!! I can’t wait till January 8^th!!

Then he waits for me to ask why he can’t wait till January 8^th.

“Because that’s when Chicago Fire comes back on!!”

Then he waits for me to show excitement. I am a good actress.

“Remember how they left us hanging OFF??!!”

Then I laugh. He thinks my laughter is an expression of my excitement over Chicago Fire resuming.

But my laughter is really about the way he changed my original phrase.

Are we hanging ON…or hanging OFF?

His change-up of that one little word has had me pondering over the past few days.

Hanging OFF a cliff is a scary situation, to put it mildly.

Hanging ON, to me, conveys hope.

In life, when I am hanging off a cliff of fear or dread or disappointment…or any number of other scenarios…I must remind myself to hang ON.

I hang ON to God and to the hope that He gives me.

How often our life with Aaron changes! We can so quickly go from enjoying life:

To the suddenness of seizures:

The above picture was right after Aaron’s third seizure on Christmas Eve, just as we were getting ready to play Christmas Bingo as we Skyped with Kyle and Andrea from Houston.

It’s a stretch for Aaron to want to play games. My first heart reaction was to wonder why. Why must he have a seizure when he was actually willing to sit with us and play a game?

Sometimes his seizures keep him from participating in something that he really wanted to do. That makes me sad for him. Disappointed.

He did arouse enough to play Bingo, but I played his card because he was uncoordinated and shaky…and grouchy, which is typical when he plays Bingo.

Every day…every situation…can be a cliffhanger with Aaron. Will we have seizures to manage? Behaviors to handle?

I do feel like I’m sometimes hanging off a cliff, holding on for dear life, afraid of what’s next and afraid of falling…of failing.

But then I must remind myself that I’m not alone. I know and trust God.

And I hold ON to Him.

I don’t understand everything.

I don’t even like everything.

But I love God, and I know He loves me.

So whatever cliff it is, I do know that I’m not just hanging off.

I reach up and I hang ON to God.

He lifts me up and He rescues me…not from the situation, necessarily…but from the danger of despair and hopelessness that can so easily overwhelm me.

After all, look at what God says about Himself in Psalm 91:15:

“He will call upon Me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will rescue him and honor him.”

May I remember, every day and in every cliffhanger, that I don’t need to just hang off.

I can hang ON…to the God Who rescues me.

The Skies From My Window

Many of you know that I love taking pictures of our pretty Kansas sky. My favorite place to take those pictures is from the window in one of our upstairs bedrooms. This bedroom will always be, to us, Andrea’s room – even though she moved from home several years ago. When I see a particularly pretty sky I will run upstairs, open the window and lift the screen, and fire away with my phone camera.

As I look back on these pictures, I find that no two are the same. Absolutely every shot of our sky, on every day that I took those shots, is entirely different……if there are clouds involved, that is. I don’t usually take pictures of a totally blue sky, though blue skies are nice. But after a while, completely blue skies would be a little boring.

Sometimes the pictures are simply beautiful, like the one I snapped last night. Isn’t this just breathtaking?

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Some inspire awe, like this one.

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Sometimes I see life.

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Other times the seasons show themselves.

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This one view, from the same windows…..the same vantage point……is anything from being the same, day by day.

It’s a lot like my circumstances in life……like yours, too, I’m sure. Our circumstances change, sometimes often and other times less frequently. At times the changes are dramatic. Other times the changes come subtly, but they come regardless.

Our circumstances may be pleasant, and some of the changes we go through can be happy and pleasant as well.

But other circumstances are painful or shocking, involving deep hurt……fear……dread.

Last week I found out about two friends who were just diagnosed with cancer. And I took another friend for some testing after an X-Ray showed something suspicious. We are still awaiting her results. Some have already received disturbing news…..others are still waiting, with dread, on what may be.

My circumstances……my surroundings……can on one day fill me with peace and on the next day fill me with worry. It’s like my view of our sky from the upstairs windows. Sometimes peaceful…..

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Sometimes stormy……

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I’ve been reading through the book of Exodus. Moses certainly experienced a variety of circumstances in his life……plenty of high’s and low’s. From a basket in the bulrushes to the palace. From the palace to the desert. From shepherding sheep to leading a nation. From the parting of the Red Sea to the grumbling of that unhappy nation. From speaking to God on the mountain to confronting idol worship at the foot of the mountain. From obedience to anger.

After the Israelites had given up on Moses and turned to worshipping the golden calf, Moses and God both were pretty angry. Moses went back to God after things settled down a bit and he prayed. He said, “God, let me know your ways that I may know you….”

God’s answer? “And He said, My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest.”

God’s presence is all that His people needed……and it’s all that you and I need. He’s promised to be with us, and He’s promised to give His children rest.

Two things I’ve learned in the years that I have lived. First, don’t look to my surroundings for rest…..even in the good times. When life is going well, with sunny skies and soothing views ahead, those things should not be the source of my rest and peace. I’m thankful when life is pleasant, but pleasantness is not the source of rest. Only God is to be my strength and my peace. Knowing Him and depending on Him, following Him and trusting Him, is still the number one thing I need to do when the skies are sunny and beautiful.

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Second, I’ve learned to also not let my surroundings…..my circumstances……pull me down and rob me of rest. This happens so easily when skies are stormy and life is stressful. Bad news…..stressful relationships……more bills than we have money……wayward children…… We all know what it’s like. Life is full of the hard times, unfortunately, and they often happen suddenly. At other times we live under the stresses day after day as they gradually take their toll. But still, the rough times are to be a time of rest……..and they can be if we know the same God that Moses knew.

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For God’s promise to Moses is our promise as well: “My presence shall go with you and I will give you rest.” (Exodus 33:14)

Remember I said that pictures of blue skies would get boring? I love blue skies, but honestly the best pictures occur when clouds are present.

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So it is with us. I believe the best lessons are learned when we have some clouds in our lives. Deeper trust and greater joy have been my experience during the stormier times of life.

Those clouds also bring a more intimate walk with God, full of so much beauty. Hopefully I can reflect Him more as I walk closer beside Him.

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And I can rest. I don’t know today how God will give me rest, but He has said He will and I believe Him.

Rest, and enjoy the view, because with God life is stunning.

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What Am I Cultivating?

I sat on our patio one recent morning, enjoying coffee while watching birds and dragonflies flitting all around. The mowed yard, the green trees, the blue sky…it was all so pretty and pleasant. But then my eyes wandered over to our garden plot. UGH!! So much for looking at beauty!

Why? Because for the second year in a row, Gary and I did not plant a vegetable garden. Rain…two out-of-town trips…schedules – it all added up to once again, no garden.

Now our small garden area is a huge mess, full of overgrown weeds and sad neglected old tomato cages. What a difference to have gone from this:

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To this:

Same ground, but different cultivating.

I read this verse around the time I was thinking about the comparison in our little piece of land from one year to the next.

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.” (Psalm 37:3)

God’s desire for Israel was for them to dwell in the land He had promised to them. He told them over and over that dwelling in the land successfully and fully would require their total obedience to Him. In Deuteronomy 30:15-20, God told Israel very clearly what their choice was:

“See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity; in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His judgments, that you may live and multiply, and that the Lord your God may bless you in the land where you are entering to possess it.” (v. 15-16)

God told them that disobedience would bring death and a curse. He urged them to choose life by loving the Lord, obeying His voice, and holding fast to Him. And not just life but life AND prosperity.

In other words, to cultivate faithfulness.

This same principle is very true for me today. I have a choice to make. God won’t force me to make the right one, but He has told me what the right choice is and how to make that choice.

It’s simple, really. Choose to love God, choose to obey Him, and hold fast to Him. Hold fast by hanging onto Him when life is crazy and tiring and disappointing.

I get really tired sometimes. I know we all do. Just as I began this blog, Aaron called me from his day group. I knew he had been having a hard day, and his voice and manner on the phone confirmed it. I ended up just picking him up early today to avoid any further meltdowns at his day group. This change in my day was not in my plan. His attitude today makes me angry and tired.

And guess what I saw before all this happened? Beautiful beach vacation pictures. When I hung up from talking to Aaron, I was wanting to just hang up this life with him too, quite honestly. For a fleeting minute, I wanted to give in to my beach thoughts…have a pity party…and allow myself the “luxury” of wallowing in the wishes for a life I don’t have.

I just HAD to be writing a blog today on faithfulness, right?!

You see, God has put me right here where I am. This life with Aaron is not what I had planned, but I must see and trust that this life with Aaron is what God planned…for me.

And in this life that He planned for me, I really do want to live it in victory and joy. I want to cultivate this:

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And not this:

It truly is up to me which picture will be the picture of my life. I choose what to cultivate by choosing whether to love God…obey Him…and hold fast to Him.

I love Him by praising Him even when I don’t like what’s going on around me.

I obey Him by reading His word and finding out what exactly it is He wants me to do each day…and then DO it!

And I hold fast to Him by not allowing my thoughts to digress into selfish wishful thinking and all those “what if’s?” and asking Him to give me grace to love and handle Aaron correctly.

I should know that when God burdens me with a blog, then He’s going to hammer it home to me in a very personal way! 😊

So, wherever you are today…on a public stage or stuck at home…reeling from an unexpected diagnosis…planning a funeral…facing life alone as a single…hurting from unfaithfulness…starting all over in a new life or new church or new friends…losing your job or needing a new one…raising your grandchildren…raising special needs children…

Whatever is your situation, just remember:

CULTIVATE FAITHFULNESS!

And just watch what God will grow in your life!

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