Epilepsy – Page 11 – He Said What?!

Houston and Home

Gary and I just returned yesterday evening from a trip to Houston, where we got to see our daughter and her boyfriend, and our son. Aaron stayed in Wichita, where our friend Amber and her family provided excellent caregiving for him. He has so much fun eating out, watching movies, and just generally being the center of attention. And we have so much fun seeing our other kids, and having some time to ourselves. It’s a win-win.

Before we leave on a trip, Aaron is very excited at the prospect of us being gone. Remember, no filters equals complete honesty from Aaron. But of course, while we’re gone he calls multiple times every day. I had told him over and over that while we were at the race track where our son works that I wouldn’t be able to answer the phone because it was too noisy to hear. That didn’t deter Aaron one bit. He never left a message, but just pursued calling until eventually, even hours later, I would answer the phone.

“HEYYYYYY!!” Aaron would say with great enthusiasm……as if we hadn’t talked in weeks instead of it being just hours. And then he would launch into the story of his latest happenings at home or at his day group……what he had eaten and where……what Amber or one of her kids or her husband had done……what our Great Dane was up to……..what movies they had watched……and various other stories and comments. He never asked what we were doing or how we were, and I certainly would be surprised if he did.

In between all his phone calls, we did have a wonderful time in Houston…..despite the horrendous traffic that we often found ourselves a part of……and seeing or hearing of multiple fatality accidents, with detours and delays. Oh Houston, you are so huge and exhausting!

We got to see Andrea’s genetics lab that she has gotten up and running. Quite an accomplishment!! She is now the lab manager. We were privileged to meet her genetics director and hear some very affirming things about our daughter, which thrills the heart of any parent.

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We got to spend some precious time with Andrea’s boyfriend, Kyle, who is working hard to complete his degree as a ship’s captain. Between his studying, projects, and work, we were very happy to see him when he could spare the time. We also got to eat dinner our first night in Houston with him and his dear parents, Kent and Marie.

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We got to spend time at the NHRA racetrack in Baytown, watching Andrew as he works with Cruz Pedregon Racing. We saw Cruz run his career best time! And again, we heard such nice comments about Andrew and were thankful for the impact he is having on others there.

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And let’s not forget that we got see our adorable granddogs, Darcy and Oakley. We also got to see Aries, Kyle’s dog, but silly me forgot to take a picture!

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Andrew got to have some rare time for us to get together on Sunday evening for a visit to Andrea’s apartment, and then dinner with all of us together. Times like this happen so seldom for us, and we were very thankful for every single minute together.

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Aaron was happy to see us when we got home, although he didn’t want to hug and he didn’t want to act TOO glad to see us. But he followed us around most of the evening, talking and talking. Then this morning……did I really hear Aaron get out of bed at 5:25?! And did I really hear Aaron NOT go back to bed soon after?! Yes, indeed I did! I was looking forward to sleeping in just a little instead of getting up at my usual 5:30, so I closed my eyes and hoped……

But no, Aaron was awake for good. Gary was downstairs, where Aaron went at first, and then back upstairs he thumped. I got out of bed a little after 6:00 and walked into the kitchen to the beaming face of Aaron. My, what bright eyes he had on this VERY early morning!!

Gary had gotten Aaron’s coupons from the Sunday paper out for him to cut, and so his coupon cutting station was all set up on the floor in front of the television. This gave me some time to read my Bible and drink some coffee, preparing myself for the Aaron onslaught I knew was soon coming.

Sure enough, as soon as Aaron heard the door open and knew I was finished, up the stairs he lumbered and into the room he came. I was getting ready to iron Gary’s work clothes, so Aaron sat on the bed where he could look at me and talk to his heart’s content.

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I decided to write down a few of the things Aaron said while I ironed and then on through the morning so you can get an idea of what I mean when I say that Aaron talks a lot. I mean, a LOT!! This is only a mere fraction, mind you.

Aaron, while on Andrea’s bed watching me iron: “The big slug aliens, they had also legs. They screeched!!”

“This is how I sit when I cut coupons. Then my leg hurts!”

“You want me to cut diaper coupons? Do you want me to cut wipes coupons?”

Then back downstairs, where he was watching the movie Battle of Los Angeles: “Mom, this is the OLD movie. The new movie doesn’t have ‘of.’ It was only Battle Los Angeles.”

“Where is Los Angeles?”

“The hideout that comes down to earth, that brings their little ships.”

“Why does the military go in the hideout?”

“They put detonators in there and blew up the hideout!”

“The woman military is cute.”

“I didn’t know a woman could be a fighter!”

“Why do they make every alien giant and look like a slug?”

And on and on and on and on he went, until finally I was able to make a legit exit to my bedroom and lock the door while I got ready. But eventually I had to unlock the door, where Aaron promptly entered and continued his monologue as if nothing at all had interrupted him. Finally, it was time to take him to Paradigm.

“Guess what time Amber took me to Paradigm?” he asked.

And before I could answer, he breathlessly told me.

“9:13!” he exclaimed.

He waited for my sure response, as if 9:13 was the most amazing time to leave for Paradigm……and mom’s usual time is, of course, very sub-par.

“9:13?” I asked.

“Yes!!” he replied. “She took me at 9:13!”

I’m still not quite sure what magic there is in leaving at 9:13, but to Aaron it was impressive and he wanted it to be for me as well. That, along with giant slug aliens that had also legs and the woman military who was cute and could fight and ships and detonators and diapers……it was just altogether a very impressive morning, let me tell you.

Home sweet home in Kansas…..where the wind blows a lot and Aaron talks a lot.

Sometimes refreshing and sometimes it rattles the nerves, but it’s home.

And we’re thankful.

Take Time

Last year, especially in the fall, we were having a terrible time with Aaron’s behaviors. He was generally miserable, and so therefore everyone around him was miserable as well. Poor behaviors, no filters, and an inability to figure out cause and effect, can certainly produce some headaches for everyone. It’s the side of autism as well as the effects of seizures, at least for Aaron and for others that I know, that is most difficult to understand. Difficult, too, to have compassion and empathy for our adult Aaron when he is hurtful with his words and careless with his actions.

Aaron seems so high functioning. He is, in many ways, just that. So it’s very hard to decipher when he is manipulating us and being willfully disobedient, and when he is truly on a track that he just cannot control.

We see a wonderful psychiatrist for Aaron’s autism. Gary and I resisted any drug intervention for a long time, but eventually years ago we decided it was time to see if medicines would help Aaron. Several have been tried over the years. We feel that we have found a beneficial drug now. The change in Aaron has been dramatic, for the better. Perfection? No. But the improvement we’ll take, for sure!

Since we increased Aaron’s dose of this medicine in January, he has done so well at his day group and at home that it’s been like a vacation. Well, not totally – but definitely we have seen positive strides.

But then this week happened. It’s not been over-the-top awful with Aaron, but he hasn’t been his chipper and happy self as much as in the past few months, either. He had been collecting steam for two days, disgruntled in the mornings and just very edgy. Yesterday morning he was fully on track for a bad day, and I didn’t have the ability to derail him, try as I might.

To add to the volatile mix, I am very vulnerable right now. Honestly, I don’t handle holidays very well sometimes. That’s because I miss our two kids who live too far away to come home quickly. My loneliness for them runs deep during holiday time…..any holiday……and I am more emotional. Easter is this Sunday. I love what this time of year is all about. I long to live every moment in the victory that is mine in Christ. Then along comes Aaron…..

God bless him! I picked him up from his day group yesterday. For maybe one minute things were fine. Then he told me that he had given his money away….again….and that he did do this and didn’t do that. And I was just done. I didn’t yell, but I lectured, which is almost always ineffective with Aaron. We can do this and we won’t do that and maybe so-and-so…… And I was cold and distant, which makes Aaron feel abandoned.

We were home, I was in the kitchen, and Aaron kept coming in to say one more word…..to throw one more barb at me. It’s amazing to see how he thinks. How I can be making a profound point, eyeball to eyeball with him, and then to have him open his mouth and still be way back at where he was in the beginning, totally not connecting things the way most of us would.

He finally bent over, hands rubbing furiously together like he does when he’s excited…..but this time he was NOT excited……and his eyes were wide and wild.

“I don’t love you anymore!!” he said through firm lips.

And he waited for my response. I turned my back and it hit me. I am vulnerable. I am tired. I am emotional.

It’s the perfect time for Satan to attack. He is no gentleman. He loves to kick Christians when we are down. I knew that the adversary of my soul would have been thrilled for me to lash out at Aaron with my words……to release all my pent up anger at him……and then to blame my reaction on Aaron and on my emotions and even on the upcoming holiday!

I had asked some friends earlier in the day to pray for Aaron. I know they were praying for me, as well. And there in the kitchen, with my back to angry Aaron, I prayed, too. I asked God for peace, for wisdom, and especially for Satan to be defeated right then and there. I claimed God’s power over our home and over this situation, recognizing that His power was and is all that I need.

I hoped for time with Gary alone when he came home from work, before Aaron bombarded him unexpectedly with all the sordid details of the day. That doesn’t often happen, but God was so good. Aaron was busy in his room when I saw Gary’s truck pull in. I was able to meet him in the garage, where he knew right away that something was wrong. We had alone time to talk before Aaron burst through the door. Gary was ready then, able to be kind and calm, with understanding.

I was amazed at the happy Aaron that came in the house soon after! He ate supper with us and acted as if nothing happened. I was so thankful! And after Gary and I cleaned the table, Gary told me to come with him as he headed out the door for a walk around the yard. That sounded wonderful to me!

But it also sounded wonderful to Aaron, who of course knew what we were doing. My heart sank a little as he followed us outside. He didn’t care that he was wearing his pajamas already…..didn’t care who might see him……didn’t care that he wasn’t wearing shoes. So I told him to take off his socks, and he happily joined us for a stroll outside.

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It actually turned into a very sweet time. Gary showed Aaron the sunflower plants that were popping up in the garden from last year’s seeds that had dropped in the soil. Gary pointed out the deer tracks all around, the toad jumping in the water, the clearing he’s been doing out back, and the new grass seed planted. He pointed out an ant hill and how busy the ants were working.

He showed Aaron how the oak tree is budding and how the buds look like baby pineapples.

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He showed Aaron the oak tree seed pods that fly like a helicopter when you throw them in the air…..things that Aaron knows but that are fun to see again with fresh eyes. Then Aaron threw one up and watched it land.

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Suddenly Aaron remembered something that HE wanted to show Gary. It’s something that I had pointed out to Aaron a couple days earlier.

“DAD!!! Come look at this plant!” Aaron insisted.

We followed Aaron, with me knowing where he was headed, and we found him standing there just staring at the Lilac bush. I love the way he stops and stares at things that interest him, as if he’s absorbing every detail…..which he probably is.

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Aaron then leaned over and smelled the sweet lilac scent, and Gary and I followed.

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I was filled with more than the smell of lilacs. I was filled with reminders of how important it is to give Aaron time…..time to work through his frustrations and anger without losing mine. Time to hopefully express himself better. Time to join Gary and me in a few moments of simple pleasures. Time for him to see and to know that he is loved. Time to hopefully show him how to live in thankfulness for all that God has given him.

If I’ve learned anything with Aaron and with autism, it’s that taking time is absolutely necessary.

Take time to smell the flowers.

Take time to understand our Aaron.

The Picture We Leave

Today I have found myself, several times, with tears in my eyes. We all have days where emotions are close to the surface, don’t we? Maybe it was the very, very touching video I watched today of how some boys reached out to their neighbor who was their age and in a wheelchair. If Aaron hadn’t been with me, I would have cried much more after watching that clip than I allowed myself to cry.

Maybe I was teary today because of stories I’ve seen of others who are bearing sorrows and pains of this life. Some hit close to home when the stories are from ones I know and love.

Maybe I was feeling vulnerable today because Aaron had a small but hard seizure very early Sunday morning. He was fine all day yesterday, but threw up last night. A bug? Or the amount of pizza he ate for lunch? He stayed home today, not feeling too great yet, and had another seizure this afternoon…..a hard, three minute seizure. My already raw emotions were knocked around even more during that seizure, which isn’t usual for me.

I know, though, that the real reason for my unsteady emotions goes back to a picture in my mind…..a snap shot of Aaron on Friday afternoon, in Subway. Aaron wanted a sub for his special Friday supper. I always hope that there won’t be anyone in front of us because subs take a while to fix…..and Aaron is usually talkative, loudly, with me never knowing what he will decide to discuss there for everyone to hear.

As we pulled in and parked, though, I saw that there were several cars in the parking lot. A young family was walking in just before us. Dad and Mom were each holding a young daughter. There were others in front of them. I asked Aaron if he was sure he didn’t want a pizza instead, but of course Aaron’s heart was set on a sub.

As we stood behind the young family, the little girl that was being held by the dad caught Aaron’s attention. I looked over and saw that Aaron was looking at her, and then leaned around him a little to see that he was holding his hand up. He was showing her his favorite thing……the peace sign. She wasn’t sure what to make of that, or make of Aaron. She may have been three or four years old, and so I’m sure that Aaron’s peace sign meant nothing to her.

It really was funny……Aaron standing there holding the peace sign steady, with a very serious look on his face. No smile for the little girl……no emotion……no explanation. Just somber Aaron doing all he knew to do…..spread some peace, thankfully.

The little girl thought that maybe Aaron wanted to play peek-a-boo, but Aaron didn’t cooperate. He was just a statue, with a peace sign displayed. So I played peek-a-boo with her as she tried to hide behind her dad’s shoulder. Aaron was still in peace mode.

But then, while I was immersed in this cute little girl’s smiles, Aaron quickly unzipped his wallet. Before I knew what he was doing, he was holding his open palm out for the dad to see. And in Aaron’s open palm was the rest of his money left over from his day at Paradigm. Three cents. Aaron was trying to give this young dad his money…….all three cents……but a fortune to Aaron.

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Aaron loves to give things to people. He really loves giving money away to others. So he had decided to give this dad his money to help him pay for their dinner. I knew all this in the split second it took me to see what Aaron was doing……and to also see that this young dad was completely uncomfortable with what was happening.

The dad was looking down into Aaron’s palm but he didn’t say a word. I thought for sure that he would thank Aaron for the offer but then tell him to keep his money. I thought he would look at Aaron and smile and be kind to special Aaron. But no, he just looked at Aaron’s three cents and kept looking down, not making eye contact and not saying a single word.

It was so awkward and so sad……and honestly, pretty hurtful to me. I doubt that this young man had any idea that it was hurtful. He was just clueless about what to do. I find that amazing, though. A kind word, a look in Aaron’s eyes, a thank you, should not have been that hard to do. Right after that, this dad moved away from Aaron and then eventually went with his little girls to sit in a booth while his wife ordered. I don’t know if it was because of Aaron or not. But he sure did miss a great opportunity to show Aaron some kindness, like Aaron was showing to him.

But it’s made me also think of another quite opposite experience that we had when we were home in West Virginia for Thanksgiving. We had recently gotten Aaron a Nintendo 3DS game for his birthday. We let him play it at our family gathering, which wasn’t the best idea because it was all he wanted to do.

Anyway, when the time together was wrapping up, the sweetest thing happened. Young Moira……granddaughter of my cousin Jim and his wife, Patti……daughter of Kat and Farman……walked over to Aaron. She said hi to him and then she asked him about the game he was playing. She asked what it was called and wondered if it was fun.

I held my breath for a second, hoping that Aaron would be nice in return. And he was! He was really happy that someone had asked about his game. He told her what it was and then he actually asked her if she wanted to see it.

Moira said yes, and Aaron very proudly opened his game and let her play it for a few minutes. It was so sweet! I was glad I captured some pictures.

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Moira is being raised well. She wanted to engage Aaron, you could tell. She thought that asking about his game would be a good way to do that…..and it certainly was!

But more importantly, Moira showed that she has a heart for others……especially others on the outside. What maturity, way beyond her years! That simple interchange meant more to me, and to Aaron, than Moira knows. Or maybe she does know. Ones with that kind of heart often do.

All of us can take a minute to follow Moira’s example…..to look every day for ways to love and bless someone around us. And even if it pulls us out of our comfort zone, like the young dad in Subway, a simple smile and a kind word is all anyone needs to see and hear.

So thank you, Moira. I haven’t forgotten your sweet heart that you showed to Aaron. And on a day like today, when my heart is tender, I can choose to see your picture that makes me happy instead of the other one that causes me some hurt.

Remember, we are all leaving a picture in the minds of others that we meet. Let’s make it a good one.

How Aaron Rolls

Aaron and I had a day together on Thursday. It was a day full of things that he loves…..pizza, buying a DVD, going to see a movie, watching Wheel of Fortune, and a back tickling session before bed. Oh, and a doctor visit first thing…..which is the most important thing, but only to me. That is definitely not the most important thing to Aaron.

We were having Aaron’s first visit with his new Epileptologist. That’s a mouthful! At least his name is easy…..Dr. Lee. I never know if a new doctor is one that we will like and trust. I also never know if a new doctor will like and understand Aaron, which is nearly as crucial in Aaron’s treatment – in my opinion – as his knowledge of medicine.

Aaron was his usual impatient self in the waiting room. Aaron doesn’t tolerate waiting very well. We should change the name of the room to the sighing room…..or the grumbling room…..or the impatient room. And don’t think that Aaron doesn’t notice who came after us but is called before us! Observant Aaron indeed notices, and indeed doesn’t care for my reasonable explanations. This is one reason I carry a supply of mints in my purse. They help a tiny bit to ease the pain of waiting, for Aaron and for me.

A nurse called us in, a new nurse to us. We missed you, Jen, if you read this! Aaron sighed as he passed her, and he sighed as he stood on the scales……after removing his shoes, of course!

“I’m tired,” he grumbled. He wasn’t even particularly excited to see that he had lost some weight. Why is weight loss wasted on the unappreciative, I wonder?

Aaron got up on the table and promptly lay down, but I promptly told him he had to sit up for his blood pressure check. Watching him sit up was quite a sight for new nurse, with Aaron nearly rolling off the table……new nurse trying to help him sit……and him finally sitting upright after a few kicks of his legs. Wow!

New nurse and I were filling in the blanks about Aaron’s meds and doses, and of course Aaron plopped back down on the exam table. Now I was sighing.

New nurse left and soon in walked a young medical student. He had questions of his own, some of which he asked me and some of which were unspoken but were written all over his face as his eyes darted off and on to Aaron. He was kind, but young and inexperienced, I imagine, in the ways of special ones like Aaron. It’s so interesting to me, and actually amusing, to see the looks on the faces of those who are trying to decipher Aaron.

By this time, Aaron was totally comfortable on the exam table. This is how Aaron rolls.

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Medical student left, and soon Dr. Lee knocked softly and entered the room. Medical student was with him. Dr. Lee was instantly comfortable with Aaron, shaking Aaron’s hand as Aaron rested on the table and then shaking mine. I knew right away, as we first spoke, that I liked him. He was thorough, knowledgeable, in charge but in a soft way, and very good with Aaron. He even did Aaron’s exam while Aaron remained in his prone position. He went over lots of Aaron’s past history, and had a plan for future treatment as we talked. But nothing new will happen until Aaron has a video EEG in June, which will require a hospital stay of several days while Aaron hopefully has some seizures after meds are removed. Stressful, but a necessary and needed way to see what’s going on in Aaron’s brain now as compared to his last video EEG years ago.

Aaron was happy to finally struggle up and off the exam table, get on the elevator, in the van, and go to Sam’s for a quick pizza lunch. Home to let the dog out, a run into CD Tradepost for his DVD, and finally we were at the theater. We were finally going to see Rogue One!

I paid for our tickets, with Aaron standing close and observing everything carefully. As I signed the receipt, I noticed that the girl behind the counter was having a bit of a struggle with our tickets. She was holding one ticket, but seemed to be tugging on something under the counter where our other ticket should have been printed. Soon she was on her knees, working on the ticket machine, I guessed.

“Sorry,” she said as her eyes peeked over the counter. “My machine isn’t working. It’s actually totally stopped.”

It did not escape Aaron’s attention that Mom was holding only one ticket. His mind was calculating the fact that we needed TWO tickets.

“You mean we can’t go to the MOVIE??!!” he asked in a panic.

The girl assured him that we could go. She was in the middle of calling the ticket taker on her walkie talkie to explain things.

“We can’t go to the MOVIE?!!” Aaron asked again. And I scooped up my receipt and my ticket……ONE ticket……as I thanked the girl and turned to leave, taking Aaron’s arm as I wondered why this had to happen to us, of all people. To Aaron, who must have everything just right……and a jammed, turned off ticket machine is anything but just right!

We walked toward the second most anticipated feature…..POPCORN!! All the while, I was explaining to Aaron that all was well…..that we could go to the movie…..that the ticket taker knew we had both paid.

“But you only have ONE ticket!” Aaron argued.

I explained again as we stood in line. It was a fairly long line for a school day, I thought. And so did Aaron, who proceeded to sigh again.

“So we can both go to the movie?” he queried as we waited our turn.

I told him yes, very thankful that a second line opened.

“CAN I HAVE A LARGE POPCORN??” Aaron bellowed as we stepped up to the counter. There was that look on the young man’s face, so I smiled and put him at ease. Aaron was not going to jump over the counter, I wanted to tell him.

“So we can go to the movie?” I heard Aaron ask again as I juggled our popcorn order, cups of water, Aaron getting straws, and Aaron getting a HUGE wad of napkins. HUGE!!! Why does he always do that?!! How many other people saw that?!

But that’s how Aaron rolls. It’s like napkins are a security to him.

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He was super happy that we both made it through the ticket taker matter, and that our theater was only a short walk away. I was super happy to see only two other people in the theater. And VERY SUPER happy that we got the seats on the very back row, with the wall behind us. Aaron could stretch, and make minor noises without disturbing anybody. He couldn’t kick seats in front of him, or pull on them if he got up or got excited.

We sat down. I exhaled, leaned back, and totally relaxed. Only three more people came in, for a grand total of seven movie goers on this day. Another reason to relax.

But Aaron was not sitting back. He was not totally relaxed. He had placed his popcorn on the floor, not to be picked up and eaten until the movie actually started. Not when the lights dimmed. Not when the movie instructions about talking, cell phones, etc., started. Not when the movie trailers began. Only when the Rogue One movie was actually and for real on the big screen would Aaron pick up his popcorn and start eating.

In the meantime…..

As soon as we sat down………popcorn placed on the floor………napkins squished in one cup holder……..water in the other cup holder…..Aaron pushed up his shirt sleeve in order to see his watch, which is always pushed halfway to his elbow.

“It’s 2:02,” he said.

“OK,” I answered in my relaxed mood.

“When it’s 2:02,” he asked, “does that mean it will start soon?”

I knew we were in the countdown.

“It won’t be long,” I assured him. “It starts at 2:15. So how many minutes is that?” I asked him.

“Thirteen minutes,” he flatly answered.

We sat there in blessed quietness, me continuing to relax.

Aaron pushed his shirt sleeve up again.

“It’s 2:04,” he informed me.

I just shook my relaxed head.

And munched popcorn…….because I have no strict rules about the proper popcorn eating time.

Soon, the sleeve pushing happened again.

“It’s 2:10,” I heard in my relaxed state.

I guess it was 2:15 when the lights dimmed and the announcements started and the trailers played and all the other stuff happened on the screen.

The movie started, FINALLY, and Aaron promptly reached down for his popcorn. It was only then that he leaned back, partially, and ate to his heart’s content.

I only had to hush Aaron a few times, and try to answer questions a lot of times, and wonder why Aaron was so obsessed over whether Luke was in this movie!!

“Where’s Luke?”

“Is that Luke?”

“Maybe he’s Luke?”

“Will we see Luke later?”

I am THE most uneducated person to ask about Star Wars, but Aaron will ask anyway.

But it’s OK. We were on the back row, all relaxed…..with popcorn…..and a wad of napkins……and water to slurp with his straw……which is how Aaron rolls.

Actually, I’ve learned to roll with Aaron in most situations, relaxed or not. That’s because Aaron is going to roll the way Aaron rolls, and usually there isn’t a lot I can do about it.

May as well roll with it, and smile, and enjoy the ride with Aaron……Aaron’s way.

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Choosing My Focus

I had my day all planned today, my to-do list made, and the order of that list firmly in my head. Take Aaron to Paradigm, then the post office, return an item to Gordman’s, stop at the Vintage store to ask about milk paint, run quickly into Dillon’s, probably get gas, home for a quick lunch and indoor straightening, and then outside into this upcoming warm afternoon where I was looking forward to some leaf raking out of our drainage ditches and picking up branches and maybe pine cones and cleaning off the front porch and vacuuming out the van……whew!…..and pick up Aaron and home to make supper and then Wheel of Fortune and ironing and then bedtime before I know it.

There.

What I wanted to get done today is based on what I need to get done tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. We all know how that is. None of these errands is life changing, by any means, so if they don’t get done today it’s really not a huge deal.

And they won’t get done today, at least most of them won’t. Poor Aaron had a night of hard seizures, so he’s having a day today of sleep along with a terrible headache……and the possibility of more seizures, so I won’t stray too far from him today. My to-do list pales in comparison to what he endures, and to how I hurt for him.

I’m extremely blessed in many ways and I recognize that. Gary’s job allows me to stay at home with Aaron. Gary is a faithful, hard worker. Aaron’s seizure clusters don’t happen daily, so he has many days where he feels good and is able to participate in life. And my greatest blessing? That I know God and I know that He is in control of our lives, including Aaron’s life.

Aaron came downstairs this morning, took his morning pills and some Ibuprofen for his terrible headache, and then lay back down on the couch with his soft pillow and his favorite fuzzy blanket and a trash can close by in case he needs to throw up. And as I listened to him breathing in sleep, I thought that this…..

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This hard thing…..is what has continually over time drawn me ever closer to God.

If all I see, though, is Aaron and this sadness, then my faith will falter. But I have learned to look beyond the seizures…..the sadness for my son…..the pain…..and to look at God.

God….Who has a plan. I read in Psalm 25 this morning, and was so filled with joy. “O Lord, I give my life to You. I trust in You, my God! The Lord is good and does what is right.” And other verses this morning that confirmed to me that the very thing that causes me the most heartache is the thing that also deepens my walk with God. God does what is right, even when to me it seems far less than right.

It’s all in where I choose to put my focus.

Then my friend, Jill, posted an article on Desiring God…..an article on intimacy with God, written by Jon Bloom. It was excellent! And this statement in the last paragraph says it perfectly: “Intimacy with God often occurs in the places where we must trust Him most.”

Yes!! Lying on my couch is my son whom I dearly love, and whom I dearly wish could live a normal life, but God has not willed that to be the case. But in that pain of my mother heart has grown a deep trust in God, learned over time and in the hard, broken places.

I’m reading “Faith of Our Father” by Dale Ralph Davis, and is it ever good! Today I read about Abraham and his faith, but how faith isn’t always a piece of cake in the long term. Our faith can waver, so that’s why we need to keep our eyes on the One in Whom our faith rests. Davis says, “….if the object of faith is what matters, then don’t be overly worried about faith itself, wondering how much you have, anxious about the ‘amount’ of faith.”

I’ve heard people say, “Well, God didn’t answer my prayers. Was my faith not strong enough?” No, no! The strength of our faith has nothing to do with us but everything to do with the God that we trust. He is the strong one! And He DOES always answer prayer. It’s just that sometimes the answer isn’t what we wanted, so we tend to think that He hasn’t answered. In reality, what we’re thinking is that we just didn’t get our way.

I love Davis’ prayer at the end of this chapter I read today: “We give thanks, O Lord, for the trouble you take to help us go on believing. Teach us not to fret over the intensity of our faith, but convince us that even a weak faith may lay hold of a strong Christ. Amen.”

Amen, indeed!

My faith can on some days be weak. If I just look at Aaron…..his seizures……his autism and behaviors……his here and now…..and his future – then I can most definitely falter. But like Davis said, may my weak faith lay hold of a strong Christ!!

I’m not a super parent, but I do have a super God!

And the more I trust Him, the more my faith grows.

The impossibly hard times are times rich with learning, if we but let go of our pain and place our focus on God, Who loves us more than we can know. When I open my hand and place it in God’s hand, then I have also let go of the pain that I sometimes hold too close.

“Bible faith looks away from itself to the One Who promises and finds rest there.” (Davis)

I can be thankful that God took my to-do list and added the most important thing to be done, at the very top of the list.

Trust Him and rest in Him.

And to be here for my Aaron…..this son that has taught me so much, even when he doesn’t know it.

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New Year, Old Ways

A new year is upon us!! Welcome, 2017!

A fresh start can be so nice. New everything. Out with the old, right? Well, not always, as I have seen on the past two days. We all know that to be true.

I ended my old year on a most familiar note…..playing SkipBo with Aaron right before bed. I guess that’s our version of a party, which suits Aaron perfectly as he really does NOT like parties. Parties have too much noise and emotion for him, thank you very much. But SkipBo with Mom is orderly, predictable, with nice piles of sequential numbers, and plenty of opportunity to cheat. Yes, cheat, of which Aaron is a master if not watched closely.

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The next morning, our New Year morning, saw Aaron blandly staring at me as I very happily wished him a Happy New Year!! His lack of expression at these moments is often hilarious, but I can’t always laugh because he finds that emotional expression irritating or he thinks I am laughing at him. Which at times I am, but in a good way that he just wouldn’t understand.

Anyway, Aaron’s main concerns on our New Year morning were:

1) Can I have FOUR cups of coffee? (Don’t worry. The cups are half full).

2) Are there coupons in the newspaper for me to cut?

3) What time are we going to Chili’s for lunch?

Aaron had opened a gift during our family Christmas Bingo game. The gift was a Chili’s gift card that was burning a hole in…..well, in my wallet because I don’t dare give Aaron gift cards to keep. They won’t keep with him. They will be lost or given away.

I told Aaron that we would go to Chili’s after church. He wanted to know the exact time, so I gave him my usual ball park figure and he was happy. He was not so happy with the coupons in the paper for some reason. Still slow from his cluster of seizures on Friday night, the coupons did not make him show his usual sense of purpose. However, he settled in on the floor with his coupon trash cans as he sat on his coupon pillow with his coupon scissors…..and his FOUR cups of coffee on the bench nearby…..and he began to clip the coupons, very slowly.

I was in the bathroom later when Aaron came to the door. “Mom,” he slowly began. “I was cutting coupons but there were too much.”

Pause.

“OK,” I responded.

Pause.

“There were too much,” he repeated.

“Yes, there were a lot today,” I replied.

Pause.

“There were too much coupons,” he said again.

Pause.

“There were too much,” he once again asserted when he got no Mom reply.

Pause. Sigh from me.

“Aaron, just take a break. You can finish them later,” foolish Mom said.

Pause.

“I ripped them,” Aaron flatly replied.

Pause. Another sigh from me.

I was following Aaron’s train of thought, one all too familiar. He didn’t want me to cut those coupons.

“Because you don’t do them right,” he continued. “You don’t cut them straight on the line like I do.”

He made his exit on that note. No surprise from me. It might be a New Year, but we are still living in our old ways…..always, always.

And sure enough, there on the family room floor lay his unfinished little stack of coupons……ripped, just like he said. Aaron’s thinking has always been this…..that if he can’t cut the coupons, NO ONE will cut the coupons. Especially Mom, who is a dismal failure at coupon cutting.

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Those ripped coupons were a stark reminder to me that just under the surface with Aaron there is always that issue of how he handles stress in his life. He reacts, and often his reactions are very inappropriate. His behaviors are a huge concern to us. So I stood there being reminded that we were on our first day of a brand New Year, brand new beginnings, brand new opportunities……and here we were, being slapped into our old reality of life with Aaron.

Some things just never change. We know that.

But there were other reminders of wonderful things that never change, either. Gary and I finally got to church on time. Yes, we were one of THOSE people who totally didn’t see the memo on the changed time for church……one of THOSE people who didn’t give New Year’s Day a second thought…..and so on this New Year’s morning we drove to church TWICE. And we laughed at ourselves. We’re HOW old?!

Anyway, we walked into church to the hugs and handshakes of sweet friends. And there was Joyce, who handed me a bag containing a huge bag full of Tootsie Rolls…..for Aaron, because of my recent Tootsie Roll blog. How unexpected and sweet, in more ways than one! Later, Aaron was also surprised and full of smiles at this kind gift.

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The care of friends is unchanging in our lives. Such a blessing!

The worship and the message on our New Year’s morning was encouraging and challenging. And we sang one of my most favorite songs – Great is Thy Faithfulness. What a wonderful reminder of God’s unchanging faithfulness in our lives!

And later, as we sat with Aaron at Chili’s, Gary and I watched him ever so slowly eat his enchilada lunch and his salad. His joy at eating out was very evident. Never changing, his love of restaurant food! And seeing that joy is always fun for us, despite our constant reminders to him that he doesn’t need to take 17 toothpicks…..don’t stare at the other people and their food……don’t make noises…..don’t clap…..please don’t loudly stretch when you get out of the booth.

Never changing.

I was able to salvage a few coupons later from the ripped pages. I didn’t let Aaron see me as I quickly cut them out behind his back. And I know that we will continue to try to salvage good out of the bad days that Aaron will surely have this year. It’s our reality with Aaron, New Year or not.

But through it all I know, like that favorite old hymn says, that God will remain the same, too. Faithful to us, as always.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;

As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

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My Priceless New Year’s Gift

I was sitting by our Christmas tree this morning, knowing this is the last time I’ll be enjoying its soft beauty this year. And it hit me. Everything I do today will be the last time I do “that” this year, because tomorrow is a whole new year! My brain, fuzzy from another long seizure night with Aaron and waiting for my first cup of coffee to kick in, tried to wrap itself around that fact. 2017 is almost here!

I’m not really as excited as that exclamation point may indicate. I mean, a new year is always pretty cool to think about. But life has a way of pulling us back to reality, especially as we get older, and for me my vision is narrowed to what I have on my plate right now. I know I need goals, but on days like today, today is about all I can handle.

Up four times with Aaron and once with the dog last night made my reality at that moment very narrow. It was the tree and the lights…..my coffee…..and the baby monitor beside me as I listened to Aaron after he returned to bed, my ears jumping into alert mode at each change in his breathing.

And one more thing……a word. The word “grace.” Sometimes that word may be overused, if that’s possible, and for me may lose its full meaning. But this morning that word kept going through my tired mind.

Two meanings of this word popped up on my handy phone dictionary app. They are:

1) The freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

2) The influence or Spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.

Perhaps my favorite grace passage in the Bible is 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. I was drawn to that this morning, and though I know it pretty well by heart, I made myself actually walk upstairs to get my Bible. Really, walking up the stairs took some effort this morning. I felt like I should copy Aaron, who earlier went up the stairs monkey fashion on all fours, as he often does.

Anyway, Bible in hand, I sat down and opened to these familiar verses. Paul had been given his “thorn in the flesh,” whatever that was…..and three times he implored God to take it away. Implored…..past tense. It seems that Paul was done with asking God to remove it, and was now able to say in the next verse that God “has said,” meaning that there was an ongoing result of God continuing to say these truths to Paul:

“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

One thing I had written beside these verses in my Bible, my memorial stone, was simply: “Feb. ’92, Aaron.” That was the terrifying day in Germany, 25 years ago, when Aaron had his first big seizure. I’ll never forget that Sunday afternoon in our kitchen in military housing…..the terror of him falling backward into my arms…..blood coming from his mouth as he seized and I screamed for Gary……the frantic phone call……the ambulance……the German children’s hospital…..language barriers with doctors…..so much to absorb and to understand and to fear.

But God was there with us bringing His unmistakable peace and calm, due only to His grace. It had nothing to do with Gary and me being strong, or having a certain personality, or any of that “me” stuff. I was a momma wreck! It was totally God pouring out His strength…..His grace…..onto and into me.

So here I was this morning, 25 years later……TWENTY FIVE!!!!…….and God pulled me back to these memorial verses. Nothing has changed. Aaron had four hard seizures last night. God has not taken away this thorn, this reality, this sadness in Aaron’s life and in ours. But he has, over and over and over again, shown us His grace….His love……His favor…..His strength…..in the middle of our pain and our struggles.

So am I, like Paul, “well content” with this weakness that God has given our Aaron and us? That phrase means “to take pleasure in.” Well, no. I can’t honestly say that I take pleasure in Aaron’s seizures or in his autism. But I must look beyond all that list of things Paul mentions “taking pleasure in,” and look at those words, “for Christ’s sake.”

For my whole life, really, is to point to Christ. That’s what following Him is all about, after all. And if I could handle it all myself, I wouldn’t need Him. But I DO need Him!! And therefore, what Paul said is so true. “When I am weak, then I am strong.”

Strong because God makes me that way, and He makes me that way only because of His grace. Back to that word again…..grace……the outpouring of His favor and strength upon me.

So I just found my resolve for this new year. It’s to come back to the realization that I can’t change a thing, but I don’t need to change a thing. Recognizing my sorrow and my pain isn’t meant to point to me and to make me the focus. It’s to point to Christ and to talk about His grace through it all.

“So that the power of Christ may dwell in me,” Paul said. That word “dwell” means “to pitch a tent.” Christ’s power is here for the long term, for me, as I rely on Him and trust Him in the hard times and thank Him through all of it.

His grace is here for all of us who follow Him. What a priceless gift! So I close with the words of this old song written by Don Moen, perfect for this new year ahead.

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;

To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,

To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

His grace is such a gift! And so is our Aaron.

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You Want Me Gone?

The other night, Aaron kept coming in our bedroom after we had gone through his bedtime routine and said our goodnights. Gary was already trying to go to sleep, and I wanted to do the same. But Aaron kept opening our bedroom door and then softly knocking on our closed bathroom door……as softly as Aaron knocks, which is about as softly as he whispers……which is not much.

“AARON!!” I hissed. “Why are you in our room?”

“I just wondered if you’re gonna have the monitor on,” he said.

“I’ve already told you I’ll have the monitor on,” I replied. “Now go to bed!”

Not long after, it happened again. Just repeat the above scenario, but this time Aaron said, “I just wondered if it’s going to rain tonight.”

I told him it was not going to rain…..and to go to bed, as I escorted him to our door, which I soundly closed.

Take three.

Same thing, except now he stood in the bathroom with me saying, “I just thought I could talk to you while you get ready for bed.”

The Mom look I gave him was all he needed, but still he just had to ask one more question.

“Are you SURE you want me gone?”

I assured him that I was sure as I yet again walked him to the bedroom door, closed it with one last goodnight……and locked it!

It’s been a rough couple of weeks with Aaron. Both his seizures and his behaviors have escalated…..seizures at home, behaviors at his day group, Paradigm. Another bad report this past Monday just took all the wind out of me. Gary and I feel like nothing is working, but something has to make a difference. We saw his caregiver at the Epilepsy Center this week, had labs drawn, will see his autism doctor before long, talked to friends who travel this road, are researching some options……and praying. Praying a lot.

I was so thankful for the verse that God gave me this week. The portion that meant so much to me was this phrase:

“DO NOT HIDE YOUR EAR FROM MY PRAYER FOR RELIEF.” (Lamentations 3:56)

It’s like that old story of the guy up in the tree with a coon, telling his friend on the ground, “Just shoot up her amongst us! One of us gotta have some relief!!”

It’s funny to hear that story…..not so funny to live with Aaron when he has so many behavior struggles that are severely impacting his happiness. But all of us need some relief, Aaron included.

When he and I got home on Monday, after such a dismal report from his day group staff, Aaron went to his room. Soon he walked up to me and handed me one of his sticky notes. Here is what he had written:

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Bless his heart. He really wants to do better, but finding that better is very difficult for him in certain circumstances. Really impossible at times, as his Epilepsy nurse and practitioner discussed with me on Wednesday.

That verse God gave me early in the week was perfect. We need relief, as many believers through the ages have expressed, and as many of my friends are experiencing now in their lives in very serious ways. The book of Lamentations is all about God’s faithfulness throughout the stresses and calamities of life on this earth. In fact, the following verse after the author begs God to not hide His ear, says, “You came near when I called on You; You said, Do not fear!”

Good advice…..great promises!!

The day after these verses spoke so much to me….the day after Aaron’s bad day at Paradigm…..this happened. I was out with my little elderly friend, Nora, when I got a text. This text was from my friend in Texas, Dona, whose husband had a terrible stroke 11 months ago. Dona and I rarely text, so I was surprised and a little alarmed to see her name appear. I instantly thought it might be about her husband, Steve.

But all Dona said was, “Are you doing OK?”

Wow!!

She had totally, absolutely no way of knowing what I was dealing with. We briefly texted, with her telling me that I had just been on her heart and mind. God at work, without a doubt.

I could hardly wait to get home and call her. We talked for quite awhile. She told me again that she kept thinking about me and so she prayed. I love it when God does these things! He shows His love and His care in these amazing, wonderful ways, blessing all of us in the process.

A day or two later, Aaron and I were in Dillon’s. We bought our few items, and then the cashier pointed to a large container of roses at the end of the conveyer belt.

“Would you like a free rose?” she asked.

And Aaron jumped on that like a flea on a dog!! He took a rose and then handed it to me, his face nothing but a huge grin.

“Here, MOM!” he boomed. “I want to give you a rose!! Because I love you!!”

And with that, he gave me the biggest hug! I thought my heart would explode!

The love note…..the rose……the hug.

Mixed this week with the behaviors…..some scary seizures…..doctor visits…..decisions looming.

It’s like Aaron bounding in our room at bedtime, just when we think that he’s settling in for the night. BAM!! There he is again, full of talk and excitement, no matter how tired we are.

“Are you sure you want me gone?” he asks. No, Aaron, not gone…..but resting. Go rest, and let us do the same.

His behaviors can be so very tiring. This past week has been emotionally exhausting for us, as well as physically. We could use some relief.

But we don’t want Aaron gone…..his personality and his take on life’s events to be gone. We just want him to be happy, and to know how to behave in a way that makes others happy, too. We have to keep working on that, and to keep trying to enable him to achieve that.

We’re praying for God to give us wisdom, and to not hide His ear from our cry for relief. I know He’s listening…..I know He cares……I know He’ll answer. He’s already impressed others to pray for us. That’s such an encouragement!

And when I look at my lone little rose in its vase, I’m reminded of Aaron’s love and of God’s love, entwined in many ways in my life. One so often shows me the other.

I just have to be making an effort to look sometimes.

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How Quickly Things Can Change!

This past Saturday, I took advantage of the beautiful weather and spent some time in the garden. I ended up with a large bucket full of tomatoes. Our tomato plants have produced beautifully this year! It’s certainly the best tomato year we’ve ever had. I’ve canned quite a few quarts, and as I looked at my overflowing bucket I knew that there would be more canning soon to come.

Aaron was in a very happy mood over the weekend. One of his favorite staff from his day group came over for pizza on Friday evening. When he left, Aaron got to spend some time petting our neighbor’s cat, Dallas.

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There was a favorite television show to watch that night, too. And the next day there was time outside, time playing Skip-Bo, and tacos for supper that night. It doesn’t get much better than that! Simple joys are sometimes the best joys.

Aaron was in such a helpful mood on Saturday, too. He helped me cook the tacos and set the table. And then he offered to help me wash the tomatoes from the garden after supper. We got them all cleaned up, with Aaron stacking them higher and higher on the counter. We laughed when four of them fell on floor and we had to reposition the tomato tower.

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On Sunday afternoon, Gary and I had hoped to take Aaron to a corn maze. However, Aaron started complaining of a sore throat. We could also tell that he was getting a cold. We’ve learned not to tell him in advance that we might go somewhere, just in case it doesn’t work out, so he was none the wiser when Gary and I cancelled the corn maze idea.

On Sunday night…..actually, early in dark morning hours on Monday……Aaron had a seizure at 1:20. Then another and another, until finally he ended up having five very hard seizures in five hours. He was already struggling with all the head congestion, so the seizures were a little scarier than usual. He bit his tongue and wet his bed – all the bad stuff that points to hard seizures.

He slept all day yesterday, Monday, on the couch while I washed all of his bedding. When he did awaken, he sounded terrible because of his congestion and his swollen throat. He was running a fever. He was terribly weak, the seizures having taken quite a toll and then his illness making matters worse.

He very slowly made it up the stairs in the late afternoon, on all fours like a monkey because when he’s weak he feels safer that way. He climbed in bed and immediately fell back to sleep. He got out of bed for an hour, later in the evening, and then slept all night last night.

I took him to the doctor this morning. Aaron had pneumonia last year and was in the hospital for a week. That was my fear now, but thankfully he doesn’t have pneumonia. In fact, we’re treating this as a virus and waiting to see what happens. Too many antibiotics last year was really hard on his body for months afterward, so we want to avoid those drugs if at all possible.

Aaron ate a little lunch when we got home. Now he is sleeping, again. Poor guy.

And I’ve been thinking how quickly things can change. Sickness with Aaron is more serious than it usually is with most of us. Sickness on top of five hard seizures has just done a number on him. He is very slow and wobbly, and extremely tired.

It’s amazing how we could go from this:

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To this:

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To this.

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Hopefully, what Aaron has right now is nothing terribly serious. But the stark change that he has gone through, literally overnight, is a reminder to me that we just never know what a day……what an hour……might hold for us.

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In James 1:2, James told us to consider it joy when we encounter various trials. That word “consider” means to make a judgment. It’s up to me to decide how I’m going to view my hard times. It’s my call. And various trials really mean “multi-colored trials.” I think we all would agree that trials come in all different colors. God uses a wide variety of situations in my life to grow me and to teach me.

But again, it’s what I do with my trials that can make all the difference. It’s like Aaron’s pile of tomatoes, stacked up on the kitchen counter. I could have left them there, where eventually they would rot and be no good for us or anyone.

Or I could do what I did Monday while Aaron slept nearby on the couch. I could use the tomatoes for something good……for something that will benefit us during the cold winter that’s coming.

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It was my decision what I did with those tomatoes.

And it’s my decision what I do with the trials in my life, so often unexpected and unwelcome. God is waiting to grow me through the troubles I have. I don’t have to understand them, but I do have to make the choice to let God use them in my life for something good…..and in the lives of others as well, I hope.

Not to become bitter, but better. And then in future cold days that may come, I will benefit from the lessons learned…..learned in the hard times.

I Almost Missed It

A little after 6:00 yesterday morning, I heard a loud thump coming from Aaron’s room. I opened his door to find him lying on the floor beside his bed. He had obviously fallen out of bed, but why? I didn’t hear a seizure, so I assumed that he had just been too close to the edge of his bed and ended up tumbling out onto the floor. But he wasn’t waking up and I was wondering what had happened. He’s too big for Gary and me to lift, so I had to leave him there after checking him for injuries and hope that he woke up soon.

He did awaken and climb back into bed. Later, when he got out of bed and had taken his shower, he came into my bathroom where I was readying for the day. “Mom,” he said in a low voice. “I don’t feel well. My head hurts.”

I looked at him and saw a red mark on his forehead where he had hit his head on the lower shelf of his nightstand when he fell out of bed. Poor Aaron. Sometimes it seems that if something’s going to happen, it’s going to happen to Aaron.

After talking to him for a few minutes, I decided to let him stay home for the day. I was mentally shifting gears then as I rearranged my schedule somewhat, knowing that Aaron would be home. It’s really not a life changing big deal, usually, to keep Aaron at home on days that I don’t plan on him being home. But I do have to shuffle some things around that are on my list for that day. Like I said, not a big deal on most days……but it can be an inconvenience.

There’s another element, too, in keeping Aaron at home. I’ll be honest…..I enjoy my alone time and am refreshed during my breaks from Aaron. I feel selfish to say that, but all parents understand what I mean. As I make a decision to keep Aaron with me all day, I know that I might end up frustrated as the day progresses. He likes to shadow me all day between his times on his computer, talking constantly about things that either don’t interest me or that I have heard over and over and over.

It’s at those times that I know I have a decision to make…..basically, be content or be miserable. Be understanding or be irritated.

I was thinking about these things this morning as I heard a man on the radio talking about his unplanned health issues that have severely impacted his life. He said that he has learned not to let his joy be dictated by his circumstances.

On a much, much smaller scale, that is the decision I faced yesterday. And it’s the decision that I face on many days, not just concerning Aaron, but concerning every aspect of my life.

Do I allow my circumstances to dictate my joy……or do I let God dictate my joy even IN my less than ideal circumstances?

God tells me to be content in every situation, with thankfulness to boot. I don’t even want to tell you how many times I mess that up!

I thought back on yesterday with Aaron and was struck by what I would have missed had I not kept Aaron at home…….other than tons of talk about the movie Battle Los Angeles; his new delight in playing Battleship on his computer as he expounds on EVERY. SINGLE. WEAPON.; and whether Charlie Daniels is from the north, the south, or the west, and is he a cowboy singer or a country singer; and so much more. Really. Much, much more.

So what would I have missed?

I would have missed his heartfelt hug, so rare on most days from Aaron.

I would have missed him at lunch, saying, “I’ll wait for you to eat with me, Mom, so we can pray.” Then holding his hand and listening to HIM pray his simple, sweet prayer.

I would have missed him asking if he could do the watering of my porch plants. Look at his tongue! 🙂

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I would have missed him going with me to Dillon’s, where he asked if he could buy two thank-you cards for Barb and Brandy at Paradigm.

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I would have missed watching him prepare those cards, and ask if he could include a Papa Murphy’s coupon in each one.

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I would have missed the opportunity for God to once again speak through these simple things to my sometimes stubborn, selfish heart. I am living the life that God planned for me. It’s not a bad life at all, but not necessarily the path of life that I would have chosen if I had been given the option to plan it all myself. I mean, I’m the age where I should be an empty nester and have freedom…..right?

Nope. Not at this point, and maybe never. But there is so much joy, even in the frustrations, because I have learned that God is good and His plan is good. HIS plan……not mine, always.

So yeah, my circumstances should not dictate my joy. My joy is dictated by God IN my circumstances.

Being thankful is a huge part of my joy. It’s really the key that opens the door to joy, but it’s the hardest thing to do sometimes. It’s pretty cool that Aaron wanted to buy those thank-you cards yesterday. I need one to continually hand to God, every day, many times.

I bet Aaron could help me with that.

Oh wait……he already has.

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