I had my day all planned today, my to-do list made, and the order of that list firmly in my head. Take Aaron to Paradigm, then the post office, return an item to Gordman’s, stop at the Vintage store to ask about milk paint, run quickly into Dillon’s, probably get gas, home for a quick lunch and indoor straightening, and then outside into this upcoming warm afternoon where I was looking forward to some leaf raking out of our drainage ditches and picking up branches and maybe pine cones and cleaning off the front porch and vacuuming out the van……whew!…..and pick up Aaron and home to make supper and then Wheel of Fortune and ironing and then bedtime before I know it.
What I wanted to get done today is based on what I need to get done tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. We all know how that is. None of these errands is life changing, by any means, so if they don’t get done today it’s really not a huge deal.
And they won’t get done today, at least most of them won’t. Poor Aaron had a night of hard seizures, so he’s having a day today of sleep along with a terrible headache……and the possibility of more seizures, so I won’t stray too far from him today. My to-do list pales in comparison to what he endures, and to how I hurt for him.
I’m extremely blessed in many ways and I recognize that. Gary’s job allows me to stay at home with Aaron. Gary is a faithful, hard worker. Aaron’s seizure clusters don’t happen daily, so he has many days where he feels good and is able to participate in life. And my greatest blessing? That I know God and I know that He is in control of our lives, including Aaron’s life.
Aaron came downstairs this morning, took his morning pills and some Ibuprofen for his terrible headache, and then lay back down on the couch with his soft pillow and his favorite fuzzy blanket and a trash can close by in case he needs to throw up. And as I listened to him breathing in sleep, I thought that this…..
This hard thing…..is what has continually over time drawn me ever closer to God.
If all I see, though, is Aaron and this sadness, then my faith will falter. But I have learned to look beyond the seizures…..the sadness for my son…..the pain…..and to look at God.
God….Who has a plan. I read in Psalm 25 this morning, and was so filled with joy. “O Lord, I give my life to You. I trust in You, my God! The Lord is good and does what is right.” And other verses this morning that confirmed to me that the very thing that causes me the most heartache is the thing that also deepens my walk with God. God does what is right, even when to me it seems far less than right.
It’s all in where I choose to put my focus.
Then my friend, Jill, posted an article on Desiring God…..an article on intimacy with God, written by Jon Bloom. It was excellent! And this statement in the last paragraph says it perfectly: “Intimacy with God often occurs in the places where we must trust Him most.”
Yes!! Lying on my couch is my son whom I dearly love, and whom I dearly wish could live a normal life, but God has not willed that to be the case. But in that pain of my mother heart has grown a deep trust in God, learned over time and in the hard, broken places.
I’m reading “Faith of Our Father” by Dale Ralph Davis, and is it ever good! Today I read about Abraham and his faith, but how faith isn’t always a piece of cake in the long term. Our faith can waver, so that’s why we need to keep our eyes on the One in Whom our faith rests. Davis says, “….if the object of faith is what matters, then don’t be overly worried about faith itself, wondering how much you have, anxious about the ‘amount’ of faith.”
I’ve heard people say, “Well, God didn’t answer my prayers. Was my faith not strong enough?” No, no! The strength of our faith has nothing to do with us but everything to do with the God that we trust. He is the strong one! And He DOES always answer prayer. It’s just that sometimes the answer isn’t what we wanted, so we tend to think that He hasn’t answered. In reality, what we’re thinking is that we just didn’t get our way.
I love Davis’ prayer at the end of this chapter I read today: “We give thanks, O Lord, for the trouble you take to help us go on believing. Teach us not to fret over the intensity of our faith, but convince us that even a weak faith may lay hold of a strong Christ. Amen.”
My faith can on some days be weak. If I just look at Aaron…..his seizures……his autism and behaviors……his here and now…..and his future – then I can most definitely falter. But like Davis said, may my weak faith lay hold of a strong Christ!!
I’m not a super parent, but I do have a super God!
And the more I trust Him, the more my faith grows.
The impossibly hard times are times rich with learning, if we but let go of our pain and place our focus on God, Who loves us more than we can know. When I open my hand and place it in God’s hand, then I have also let go of the pain that I sometimes hold too close.
“Bible faith looks away from itself to the One Who promises and finds rest there.” (Davis)
I can be thankful that God took my to-do list and added the most important thing to be done, at the very top of the list.
Trust Him and rest in Him.
And to be here for my Aaron…..this son that has taught me so much, even when he doesn’t know it.