God’s Care – Page 4 – He Said What?!

Waiting

Nearly every day of our lives we are involved in some sort of waiting, whether that wait is a mere pause or a prolonged period of expectation.

We have happy waiting: for marriage…a baby…Christmas…a birthday.

We have annoying waiting: for a red light…being put on hold…a construction zone…a crowded restaurant.

We have dreaded waiting: for a job interview…for a doctor visit…for a test result…for a lay-off.

In our nation and in our world right now, we are waiting in a way that none of us could have anticipated even a month ago. Will we get the virus? Will we get laid off? Will we have a shut-down of our state?

Will we have enough food…and toilet paper?!

Yesterday I realized another form of waiting happening in a group of people that I honestly had not thought about.

The grieving. The ones who have lost loved ones to death and now must wait in most cases to properly grieve that loss.

I was scanning the obituaries in our newspaper. Read some of the instructions that were printed concerning funerals or memorial services:

…at a date to be determined, once restrictions are lifted on gatherings in public.

…to be held at a later date when everyone is safe to attend the services.

…delayed due to the current virus pandemic.

Friends are welcome to stop by in groups of 10 or less.

Services pending.

In light of current gathering restrictions, a private memorial service will be held at a later date.

…service will be held at a later date due to current events.

Just today I heard that an old friend’s husband had died. He was a decorated veteran. Sadly, his funeral tomorrow will only be attended by family. Friends who would want to visit the family must wait until our health crisis has passed.

Waiting to comfort.

Waiting to grieve in the way needed.

These very strange times are bringing new challenges to us every day, it seems. There are so many ways that this Coronavirus pandemic is impacting us! Ways that make us shake our heads and say, “Goodness, I never thought of that!”

But this is also the time for a certain waiting that will be the best waiting of all.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14)

This waiting is not waiting for an event. It’s not waiting for the next news report. It’s not waiting for the next shoe to drop.

When we know the Lord and we walk with the Lord, then we learn to wait for the Lord.

We live in continued confidence, as my ESV note says.

All around us things may be crazy and uncertain and scary and disheartening. God didn’t say He would make all our surroundings a bed of roses every day.

But He did say that in the midst of the crazy, we add waiting for Him to the top of our waiting list.

Wait for Him to speak to us.

Wait for Him to show His power.

Wait for Him to comfort us.

Wait for Him to meet our needs.

Live in the continued confidence brought on by the strength and courage He gives us, and by knowing that He loves us.

Live in the continued confidence of knowing WHO God is.

God isn’t surprised by any of this virus business. I believe He’s taking away some things we’ve come to rely upon more than Him… giving this old world a chance to know Him before it’s too late.

Maybe God is waiting, too.

Waiting for each of us to stop and think about Him…talk to Him…accept the gift of His Son in our lives.

Let’s not waste this waiting time.

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Where Is He?

I pulled into our military post gas station years ago in Germany, got out of the car, and began the familiar routine of filling up with gas. But suddenly, I don’t know from where, a fire started on the ground nearby. All I could think about was my little Andrew in his car seat inside our car. Thankfully, no gas had started coming out of my nozzle yet. I quickly placed it back in its holder, jumped in the car, and high tailed it out of there as fast as I could!

Andrew knew that something had upset me. His eyes were big as he asked me what was wrong. I told him about the fire that I had seen and that I wanted us to be safe. But most importantly, I told him, God was with us and had kept us safe.

I wanted to stress that fact to Andrew, so little and so curious about why I had been scared. So, I repeated that truth several times to him on our short drive to our apartment.

“Andrew,” I said, “God was with us and He kept us safe.”

Finally, as I lifted him out of his car seat in our apartment parking lot and held his hand as we walked to our door, I said it once more.

“God was with us, Andrew, and He kept us safe.”

“Yeah,” Andrew agreed. “But where was He? I didn’t see Him!”

We smile at Andrew’s innocent question, but honestly, most of us have felt that way at times.

I just finished reading and studying through the book of John. The end of the book is wrenching. There was Jesus and His disciples, enjoying a quiet Passover meal one night. And the next night, Jesus was dead. The betrayal, the arrest, the farce of a trial, the brutal torture, and the horrible crucifixion. It happened so quickly! The disciples were unprepared for this turn…so lost…so scared…so alone.

How quickly their world had turned upside down!

“Now what?!” I’m sure they said to one another. “What do we do now? Are we next?”

Of course, we know the rest of the story. Knowing the rest, though, sometimes makes me gloss over just how frightening and uncertain their futures must have been to them.

But then came Sunday! There stood Jesus in their midst, very much alive and whole and healed!

And what did He say to them?

“Peace be with you.”

Peace.

The word means quietness…rest…and to be at one again.

Today, we may have the question that my little Andrew did.

“Where is God? I don’t see Him!”

Sometimes we don’t see him as we look at this upside-down world. Literally overnight, with news of a strange new virus, people were in a mass panic. Store shelves emptied…major events canceled…jobs lost…quarantines.

SO much uncertainty!!

“Things are so strange,” everyone is saying. “So weird and scary.”

Indeed, it is a strange and scary time.

But oh, what a time it is to trust our God, those of us who know Him! What a time to see Him in His Word and in our hearts, speaking His words of peace and calmness!

The quietness and rest that God speaks of always brings me to my mother’s favorite verse:

“Be still, and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

To “be still” actually means to quit striving.

Quit pushing and pulling and struggling and hurrying and worrying and panicking!

Just relax. Just rest. Just breathe deep and let God’s refreshing presence fill your soul and your mind.

And know…KNOW…that He is God.

God is in charge of viruses and shortages and disrupted lives and lost jobs and unexpected decisions.

God has a purpose. He has a plan. He is not surprised.

And if you don’t see Him, then just be still…be quiet…open your Bible…and let Him talk to you.

Then you talk to Him, too, and see what happens.

God wants to be your Savior. He wants to be your Father. He will meet your needs.

His peace be with you, dear ones, during this stressful time. May we shine bright in this dark time.

And may each of us be able to say, “I DID see Him!!”

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Tired of This

Recently, Aaron had his Epilepsy doctor visit. After his appointment we had to walk over to the building next door for Aaron to have some blood drawn. His liver function needs to be checked routinely due to one of his newer seizure drugs. Aaron wasn’t thrilled about that because he really wanted to hurry up at the doctor and then go to Pizza Hut like we had planned. Eating lunch out, after all, is the real reason Aaron was with me that day. At least that’s the real reason according to Aaron. Going to the lab was just another annoying delay in reaching his true objective. The Pizza Hut Buffet…oh, and Wal-Mart after that. We mustn’t forget the all-important Wal-Mart visit!

The next morning found us going down to the air base for yet another lab visit for Aaron. This time we were preparing for Aaron’s 2-year physical, so labs had to be done ahead of time for that. No matter that we were getting some sleet and snow – we needed to get this done. Aaron had resigned himself to no lunch out that day but instead I would take him to his day group on my way home. However, our van engine light came on, so I had to go back over to our side of town…run to our shop to ask about the light…and by then, I just decided to keep Aaron at home. Happy Aaron! A tiny bit frustrated Mom. And an even happier Aaron when he heard the words “Taco Bell” come out of my mouth.

On the following afternoon, the air base called to tell me that they had messed up on one of Aaron’s tests. We would need to come back and have more blood drawn. UGH!!! Fasting blood work, which would mean getting there in the morning. But the next morning I had to take Gary to his foot surgeon appointment. Gary, who still wasn’t driving due to his surgery.

I’m just scratching the surface of my life right now. And honestly, I’m not complaining. I’m just reporting. (Thank you, Alice Zwemke, for giving us that wonderful statement so many years ago!!). 😊

There we were on that cold Friday morning, back at the air base lab. Aaron was dreary and slow, tired in several ways. He pulled up his shirt sleeve without being told because he knows the routine so well, looked at his new watch perched halfway to his elbow the way he must always wear it, and slowly stretched as he waited for the tourniquet and needle.

“I’m tired of this,” he muttered in his resigned monotone voice.

There went my heart. I wanted to scoop him up in a motherly hug, but it wasn’t the time or place for that. Besides, motherly hugs rarely have a time and place in Aaron’s autistic world.

But I had another reaction as well. The depleted side of my spirit nearly kicked in. My thought was this:

“YOU’RE tired??! I’M the one who’s tired!!”

Yep. Those truly are the words that swarmed around in my head.

Tiredness has been closely following on my heels lately. Not just physical tiredness, although that is certainly present, but a soul weariness that has crept into my spirit.

All of us reach that point at some point.

“I’m so tired of ________.”

Then all of us can fill in that blank…or several blanks, right?

With Aaron, being his mother AND his caregiver, I am pulled this way and that.

Seizures. Autism. Medicines. Side effects of medicines. Weight loss. Low sodium. Needs to eat more. Needs to drink less. New medicines. New side effects. Blood work. Behaviors. Routines. Disrupted routines. Needing caregivers.

Sometimes I’m just so tied up in all of it.

And tied down to all of it.

Discouragement can sneak in unexpectedly. A comment. A picture. A thought. I can let it get to me in ways I know I shouldn’t.

Discouragement can roar in like a Kansas tornado. A seizure. A behavior. A disappointment.

What I do at that point with my discouragement is key to my frame of mind from that point forward.

I can nurture a heavy spirit, or I can let the Holy Spirit do His sweet work in my heart. I can’t change my situation, really, but I sure can work to change my attitude.

I do this through thinking more about my blessings than my burdens. No matter what, I do have so many blessings and it does my tired heart good to think about those instead of wishing for what isn’t.

Another thing that helps me is to go to my Bible, especially the Psalms. For instance, just read and hear the wonderful instruction and hope in these verses.

When I thought, “My foot slips,” Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul.

(Psalm 94:18-19)

It’s not a shallow pep talk. It’s listening to God Himself and trusting that He knows where I am and what I face…and He cares!

Then sometimes there are extra nuggets of love from Aaron himself – rare as nuggets of gold – that warm my soul and remind me of the value of this life that God has given me.

Not long ago, after some seizures and while we watched a show, Aaron looked over at me and surprisingly said:

“Mom, I’m glad you’re caring for me.”

He rubbed his hands together happily as he saw the smile on my face.

“I’m glad I’m caring for you, too, Aaron,” I replied.

And very, very glad that God is taking care of us both!

MERCY!! AARON!!

I’m a southern girl. Well, from southern West Virginia – born and bred – so no matter what the Civil War folks say about my home state, I still consider myself to be from the south.

I guess that’s why sometimes I just want to look at Aaron when he’s being a particular form of disagreeable and just say, “MERCY!! AARON!!”

And then tell him that he just needs to hush!!

When I talk to Andrea or Andrew on the phone, Aaron invariably barges in the room and wants to talk. This happened on Saturday evening as Andrea and I were gabbing away. I knew Aaron would persist until I caved, so I finally put the phone on speaker and off Aaron went.

He was particularly fixated on Luigi’s Mansion 3 – his newest Nintendo Switch game. And he was even more fixated on going over Luigi and Gooigi. I think I spelled that right.

He wanted Andrea to know who Gooigi is. What Gooigi is made of. What color Gooigi is. What Gooigi looks like. What Gooigi does.

Andrea, ever patient with her brother, commented on everything Aaron said. She even asked questions…good questions…which fanned Aaron’s flames and off he blazed.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

It took me awhile to put out the flames. I usually have to end the talking by telling Aaron to say goodbye, after he has pushed me away several times from taking back the phone.

Never once does he ask about Andrea or Kyle, or Darcy or Oakley or Aries or Siggy…all dogs, by the way. 😊

For some reason on Sunday evening, Aaron kept referring to that phone call. He declared that I only wanted to talk to Andrea…that I never talk to him (REALLY??!!)…that I would hardly let him talk to her…and so forth and so on.

Everything is bad to Aaron when he gets like this, including the fact that I am a bad mom. I eventually shut down when this happens, meaning that I do not fan the flames of Aaron’s anger by things I say. Even my eyes – “Don’t squint your eyes, MOM!!”…or my voice inflections, can increase his anger.

Nothing that I say helps. Nothing that Gary says helps.

Aaron’s lack of empathy and his inability to connect the dots like we do is a most frustrating part of his autism.

The next morning, weary and bothered, I thought of how my friend – a manager at Aaron’s day group – deals with these issues on the day after they occur. Aaron often doesn’t want to go to Paradigm on that “next day” after he has blown it, but Barb always reminds him of an important truth.

“It’s a new day, Aaron,” she says. “We just start all over and don’t let yesterday bother us.”

Thinking of that…of a new day…reminded me also of the wonderful promise in Lamentations 3:22-23:

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”

God’s love and mercy to me, no matter how much I sin, is new every morning. And I know that I must also face every new morning with Aaron in the light of God’s loving-kindness to me.

If God is so loving and kind to me, how can I be any less to Aaron?

That next morning was still a little rough on Aaron’s part. And then when I picked him up in the afternoon, as I watched him approach the van, I saw him stop and turn, running back into the building.

He returned, holding a paper that blew in the wind as he ran toward me again, his face all smiles.

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“MOM!!” he said as he got in the van. “I colored this for you!”

With great delight he handed me this picture:

I was so touched. So amazed.

Amazed that Aaron sat still long enough to color.

Touched that he wanted to mend our fences in such a sweet way.

And both amazed and touched that it was a cross he colored for me.

You see, it’s because of the cross that I can even begin to love Aaron as I should, especially when he is at times so unlovable.

It’s because Jesus died for me, and because He is my Savior, that I AM loved and that I CAN love.

And I love how the old King James Version says that verse I wrote earlier. “It is because of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.”

I am not consumed by hatred and sin or God’s judgment, but only because of God’s love and mercy.

Love and mercies that are new every morning.

Like I said, how can I love Aaron any less when I am so loved by God?

One more thing. The cross is also the reason that I can bear the sadness and fear of Aaron’s 3:00 a.m. seizure today, and another one later. The reason I can see him sleeping again now and know he may likely seize again.

The reason I can bear up under the disappointment of our doctor day being canceled…because doctor day means, to Aaron, eating out day. And he does LOVE eating out! It’s always a fun and happy day, but not today.

Aaron goes through these disappointments and rough days often, which means I do as well.

But like the verses above said, great is God’s faithfulness. He doesn’t leave me to handle it all alone. He is right beside me, my best friend, with His mercies and love that give me His peace that passes understanding.

Speaking of understanding, I won’t even go into all the detail of having to wash Aaron’s favorite fuzzy blanket today because he spilled coffee on it…and how it’s the only blanket that he wants to use on his lap when he’s at his desk…or on the couch.

About trying other blankets.

Rejecting those blankets.

Checking his blanket in the wash.

Observing me putting it in the dryer.

Following me around the house because without a blanket he can’t sit or lay.

MERCY!!! AARON!!!

Hanging Off – Or On?

Aaron has a way of repeating what we say but changing just one word or even just one letter, and so making us laugh or pause in thought. He has a uniquely Aaron way of expressing himself.

That is, after all, the reason I started this blog and the reason I named it He Said What?!

For instance, yesterday we had some rough weather move through our neck of these Kansas woods. Aaron was concerned, asking about the storms and wondering if he should turn off his computer.

I’ve often shown him the radar and pointed out some storms headed in our direction. I sometimes refer to them as a clump of storms coming our way.

So, as he followed me around the house and fretted over his computer being hit by lightning, he said, “Mom! Is that lump of storms going to hit us?!”

Two words, so similar, yet somehow the difference was enough to make me laugh.

Aaron has become a fan of the television show Chicago Fire. In December the fall finale had the typical…and very unrealistic…cliffhanger. Aaron has talked and talked and talked and talked about those canisters in that basement, surrounded by fire, and whether they would blow up or not!!!

I told him that this was a cliffhanger. Aaron, who is very literal, saw no cliff in that fall finale. He also saw no one hanging from a cliff in that basement.

I therefore…and not for the first time…explained that a cliffhanger is when the show’s producers leave you hanging on after the last show of the season in order to make you come back and watch the first show of the new season.

Hanging ON.

But here is Aaron’s take:

“MOM!! I can’t wait till January 8^th!!

Then he waits for me to ask why he can’t wait till January 8^th.

“Because that’s when Chicago Fire comes back on!!”

Then he waits for me to show excitement. I am a good actress.

“Remember how they left us hanging OFF??!!”

Then I laugh. He thinks my laughter is an expression of my excitement over Chicago Fire resuming.

But my laughter is really about the way he changed my original phrase.

Are we hanging ON…or hanging OFF?

His change-up of that one little word has had me pondering over the past few days.

Hanging OFF a cliff is a scary situation, to put it mildly.

Hanging ON, to me, conveys hope.

In life, when I am hanging off a cliff of fear or dread or disappointment…or any number of other scenarios…I must remind myself to hang ON.

I hang ON to God and to the hope that He gives me.

How often our life with Aaron changes! We can so quickly go from enjoying life:

To the suddenness of seizures:

The above picture was right after Aaron’s third seizure on Christmas Eve, just as we were getting ready to play Christmas Bingo as we Skyped with Kyle and Andrea from Houston.

It’s a stretch for Aaron to want to play games. My first heart reaction was to wonder why. Why must he have a seizure when he was actually willing to sit with us and play a game?

Sometimes his seizures keep him from participating in something that he really wanted to do. That makes me sad for him. Disappointed.

He did arouse enough to play Bingo, but I played his card because he was uncoordinated and shaky…and grouchy, which is typical when he plays Bingo.

Every day…every situation…can be a cliffhanger with Aaron. Will we have seizures to manage? Behaviors to handle?

I do feel like I’m sometimes hanging off a cliff, holding on for dear life, afraid of what’s next and afraid of falling…of failing.

But then I must remind myself that I’m not alone. I know and trust God.

And I hold ON to Him.

I don’t understand everything.

I don’t even like everything.

But I love God, and I know He loves me.

So whatever cliff it is, I do know that I’m not just hanging off.

I reach up and I hang ON to God.

He lifts me up and He rescues me…not from the situation, necessarily…but from the danger of despair and hopelessness that can so easily overwhelm me.

After all, look at what God says about Himself in Psalm 91:15:

“He will call upon Me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will rescue him and honor him.”

May I remember, every day and in every cliffhanger, that I don’t need to just hang off.

I can hang ON…to the God Who rescues me.

Changes Ahead

If you know me, and especially if you are a Facebook friend of mine, then you know that I love sky pictures. I have taken hundreds of sky pictures from our upstairs bedroom windows that face the western sky.

Sunsets:

Storms moving in:

Sunrise reflections:

Even a Great Horned Owl that used to perch on the top of our big pine tree (sorry for the fuzzy picture):

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The view changes depending on so many factors. Weather, the time of year, the time of day, trees that have been cut down due to disease, and so much more.

On a recent morning, as I finished my quiet time, I looked out the window and was drawn to the pretty sky outside. But as I prepared to snap some shots of the sky, my eyes also saw this.

Can you see it? Where we once had a farmer’s field across the road from us, we now have a future housing development being built.

Civilization is encroaching upon us. Some call it progress, but we are not exactly happy with how the building of 300 homes will change not only our view, but our traffic and so many other things as well.

But do you know what won’t change? The sky itself won’t change.

I can still relish our beautiful sky, no matter what’s happening on the ground below.

Change is a fact of life. Some changes are exciting and wonderful, while others are sad and fearful.

What’s looming in your view today? Are changes possibly coming in your life that leave you unsettled and scared?

Our focus in those times is vital to our peace. I can choose to be filled with apprehension or to be filled with peace.

Just like I can choose to look at the houses being built, or I can choose to gaze at the sky above…so I can choose to center my attention on my problems ahead or to center my thoughts on God above.

I control my eyes…my thoughts…my focus.

Psalm 123 states this fact perfectly.

To You I lift up my eyes,

O You who are enthroned in the heavens!

Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master,

As the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress,

So our eyes look to the Lord our God,

Until He shall be gracious to us.

God is sovereign over our circumstances.

God is also sufficient for us, whatever is our present or our future.

One more thing. The word “gracious” carries the meaning of someone stooping down in kindness to an inferior.

Just like God stoops down in His mercy to me, time after time, to hold my hand and show me His kindness, so He will do over and over as I walk this path of life.

This is my prayer for myself, to keep my eyes on God and not on what is around me or ahead of me.

I control my eyes.

I am so thankful that it is God Who controls my life.

I Love This Place!

For the past few weeks I’ve felt like I live in a snow globe. I’m a figure that’s not fastened down, so when the globe is shaken I just fly all around with the snow. Crazy, to say the least!

Gary and I knew that this was going to happen:

Thankfully his foot surgery was planned and on our calendars many weeks ago. We had time to prepare, even throwing in some minor things like having two bedrooms remodeled. You know how that is. Emptying the rooms of everything; deciding on what supplies to purchase; purchasing supplies; going through drawers and shelves and making multiple donation trips to Goodwill; the remodel itself (great job, Distinctive Designs!!); cleaning; putting everything back in the rooms; and heavy furniture up the stairs or down the stairs (thank you to our son, Andrew, home for Thanksgiving!).

Then there was decorating and preparing for Christmas with all the shopping and wrapping and mailing and cards and cooking yet to do.

Oh, and let’s throw in cleaning our big storage room two days before surgery! Why not??!!

In the midst of it all, there is Aaron. Aaron…trying so hard to maintain his normal.

Aaron’s normal is very vital to him. His normal is as vital to him as breathing or eating. Normal gives him stability and predictability, which he needs to maintain his balance.

Gary and I can roll with the flow, stressful as that flow may sometimes be. Aaron…not so much. When his normal flow of life is redirected…shaken like the snow globe…Aaron most often will react instead of handling the change. Then whatever is causing his life change, as he sees it, becomes the enemy.

The enemy may be an event. That’s why holidays, parties, trips, or other out-of-the-norm happenings can rock his world. Aaron’s world is what he makes it. His world is set and settled in his brain, everything in its place. His days flow with an established pattern. Can we all spell “ROUTINE?!”

The enemy may also be a person. Any person who disrupts his pattern of life or his way of doing life becomes a huge problem to him. Just ask his siblings about our Christmas family time every year. We all know to expect at least one “Christmas Meltdown” every year. The meltdown often involves some aspect of our family Christmas Eve Bingo game, which combines a party atmosphere with a lot of crazy thrown in from the annoying people who are on his turf and messing up his routine.

Autism at it’s finest, let me tell you!

When Gary and I arrived home the day of his surgery, Aaron was so very happy to see us. I saw him scan over Gary’s huge wrapping with his ever-observant eyes, but Aaron never asked how the surgery went or how Gary was feeling.

Instead, Aaron talked up a storm as we got Gary settled in bed. He ran up to his bedroom, returning with a soft blanket of his that he wanted Gary to use. He ran outside in the dark and brought in our trashcans that were at the end of the driveway. He kept looking for ways to help and was just SO happy to have us home. I’m not sure how much of that happiness rested on the fact that his dad was all right or on the fact that we were home, at last, and now life could be back to normal.

Normal! Right?!

Wrong.

Dad was in the guest bedroom. Mom had to make trips down to Dillon’s for meds and food that sounded good to Dad and drinks to settle his stomach. Dad wasn’t talking much and Mom was distracted. People were calling. Or coming to the house.

The morning after surgery, Aaron was getting edgy. We knew it. And Gary, bless his heart…in the shape he was in…managed to ask Aaron about his game he was playing. Aaron was off and running then! Talk, talk, talk!! Talk about what he loved and what he understood and what mattered to him.

Honestly, Dad’s foot and leg all propped up on the living room couch didn’t matter to Aaron at that point. How Dad slept didn’t matter. Dad’s possible pain didn’t matter.

It seems heartless to us, but we know Aaron. We know how autism is often defined by a narcissistic way of viewing the world.

We had some storms that first week. It got rough. My reactions weren’t always kind and loving toward Aaron.

Then after the snow would settle in our upside-down snow globe world, Aaron would look at us and immediately launch into talk of aliens and outer space and his latest movie and anything…ANYTHING…but real life and feelings and concern for us. Then his anger would erupt if he sensed our lack of interest in what he was saying.

Just so exhausting.

One night after going around and around, Aaron regrouped quickly and stood by Gary in the living room talking about what show he was watching or game he was playing. This was Aaron’s happy place with his captive audience.

This past week, our second week post-surgery, Aaron came down with the crud bug. Fever, cough, sore throat, aching all over. A doctor visit, some meds, and he is better. But again, a sick Aaron was a touchy Aaron.

Until he thought of Christmas lights.

“Mom?” he asked on evening. “Can we go look at the lights on the big white house?”

It wasn’t necessarily what I had time or interest in at that moment, but I saw the hope on his face and so off we went. We saw the lights and then drove on to look at some other lights close by in several neighborhoods.

A couple nights later, after our neighbor mentioned a near neighborhood that was all decked out in lights, Aaron and I went out again. House after house was glowing and flashing and bright and fun. Aaron was mesmerized, leaning forward in his seat and very still, with a smile on his face.

“I LOVE this place!!” he finally exclaimed.

It warmed my heart so much for him to express such joy.

It warmed my heart to be the one who showed him this place he loved.

I’ll admit that sometimes I don’t love this place where God has us. Life with Aaron can be very tiring. He requires or demands things from us that we at times have no energy or interest in giving.

This place isn’t always bright and pretty and rewarding and fun. Sometimes we wonder why we’re here and what we’re doing.

But this place is where God has put us.

Aaron is God’s gift to us.

Sometimes we don’t feel that sentiment. Gary and I get weary…lonely…at the end of ourselves.

I’m sure the man Jesus…God’s Son…felt all that and more, thousands of times over, as He walked this sad earth.

And because Jesus walked with us, He also understands our weaknesses and our human thoughts. He is here with us to give us His grace and enable us to do the same with Aaron.

Aaron may not always love this place, either. When his life is askew and he is miserable, loving this place is the last thing on his mind.

But may he know, when the snow is settled and the storm is over, that HE is loved.

Loved by God, as are we…and loved by his parents.

May this place, where we are at the moment, be a place of love when all is said and done.

And may your place, dear one…hard as it may be…be a place filled with God’s love for you and through you.

Bright like the lights of this beautiful season!

My Airport Glory Story

In March of last year, 2018, I flew to Houston for a very happy trip. Our daughter, Andrea, was getting married in the fall and so this weekend in March was to be full of trying on wedding dresses and making wedding plans.

Of course, I had a layover in Dallas. There I sat in the terminal, catching up on social media and emails, when a fast movement caught my eye. I looked up to see a little bird flying among the ceiling beams. He would sit up there staring down at all the waiting passengers, though our area was people sparse at that time. He would observe for a minute, then fly down and land on the carpet, where a few passengers would toss him bites of bread or crackers. He was a cute little thing and broke the dull monotony of the usual airport terminal happenings.

I noticed a woman sitting not too far from me, within talking range, who was also enjoying the little bird. Our eyes met and we both smiled. We began talking about the bird. One thing led to another and we realized that we had much in common. The military…where we had lived…daughters in Texas…shared names. She introduced herself as Johnnie Latham and had soon moved closer to where I sat so we could talk even more.

The best and brightest thing we quickly knew about each other is that we were sisters in Christ. Believers understand this connection that is very evident, even when you meet a stranger. It’s the Holy Spirit, and the communion that two people have due to that indwelling is very real and very obvious.

Johnnie and I talked up a storm as we sat there. Gone were our phones as we talked and talked, enjoying every minute. Gone was the terminal drudgery of the airport as we crammed as much conversation as we could into the now short time we had before boarding the plane.

All too soon, it was time to board. We said our goodbyes and it was so nice to meet you as we got in line, with Johnnie several people behind me. Before long, I had taken my seat near the back of the plane. No one was in the seat beside me and it appeared, as passengers boarded, that my next-door seat would remain empty.

As I settled in and looked up, I saw Johnnie headed my way. We hadn’t compared seat numbers. Why would we? But closer and closer she came, looking at her boarding pass for her row and seat number. Then there she stood, confirming her assigned seat…and you guessed it! Her seat was the one beside me!!

We squealed and laughed and exclaimed our disbelief! Other passengers, I’m sure, were curious at this loud display of happiness over an airline seat!

“God wanted us to sit together!” Johnnie exclaimed as I fully agreed.

We just THOUGHT we had talked in the terminal. Now we were on full-speed motor-mouthed conversation! We spent the entire flight from Dallas to Houston sharing with each other as fast as we could. And I’m sure we shared with everyone around us because we had a hard time talking softly! We had stories to tell! We had examples of God’s goodness to talk about. We laughed. We praised God. We cried. The whole time was really sweet and amazing and so very special.

“Let’s take a selfie!” Johnnie said through her laughter.

So, she snapped this quick picture of the two of us.

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And just like that, before we were ready, we landed in Houston. Our fellowship was over all too soon. I had never regretted finishing a flight like I did that one.

We hugged, said our goodbyes, friended each other on Facebook, and waved goodbye once more across the Houston terminal as we parted ways.

We kept in touch over Facebook through the next year. And one day earlier this year, her life changed. Johnnie was diagnosed with cancer. Now she became a fighter as she endured all the tests, the chemo, the hospital stays…struggles that I can’t fathom. Struggles for her and for her dear husband, daughters, and grandchildren.

But never turning her back on God. Never giving up hope, even knowing that her final healing might come in heaven instead of earth.

And so it seems that this will be the case. Her cancer has spread in her brain and there is nothing more to be done on earth. She is home now, on Hospice care.

Her husband, Jack, said this in a post I read: “She will win because she will be with our savior and she is looking forward to that day.”

Victory!! Johnnie and I shared victory stories on that plane…me about my dad and Johnnie about her sister. Now Johnnie will have the most powerful victory story of all!

What an impact this woman made on me in such a short time! I can only imagine the huge impact she’s had on her family and friends who have relished life with her for years.

And I was thinking about how we both thought we didn’t have enough time on that day to share and talk and laugh and cry. It wasn’t enough time.

But oh, we WILL have enough time one day!

We’ll have all of eternity to talk and share and laugh and worship God together. In person!!

But we won’t cry. No tears in heaven!

So, Johnnie, you hold my seat this time and I’ll join you in heaven one day.

I can hardly wait to hear you laugh on that day!

Hey, It’s My Birthday!!

We just finished celebrating Aaron’s 35^th birthday. We had three days of birthday events, full of fun and loaded with Aaron’s exuberance. There aren’t many 35 year old’s who would embrace their birthday with as much joy and pure excitement as Aaron did. His birthday is one of those times that we fully see how unencumbered Aaron is with adult responsibilities and burdens. 35 doesn’t seem old or worrisome to him at all. He’s all about HIS day and all the fun it holds! He’s very much like a kid, and everyone around him smiles at his delight.

Aaron begins planning his birthday months before the actual date. I’m not exaggerating. He talks and talks about his plans. Can we go here? Can we do that? And often, he doesn’t ask us before he starts inviting people to come to our house or to eat out. It’s easy to be exhausted long before the birthday celebration even occurs as we try to keep up with him and his grand plans.

His birthday was this past Friday. On Thursday, he stayed home from his day group. He helped me make lots of cupcakes for his day group to share the next day.

We also made lasagna for some of his friends to have on Thursday night. We loaded up the van with lasagna, garlic bread, cupcakes and drinks before driving across town to the residential home of some of his day group friends. All girls, by the way! 😊

On Friday, Aaron carried his cupcakes into his day group…chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing and sprinkles, per Aaron’s wishes. At the end of his day, Barb…dear friend, second mom, and Paradigm manager…brought Aaron to meet Gary and me at Texas Roadhouse for his birthday “eating out” supper – Aaron’s choice once again, of course!

Oh my goodness, his excitement was almost palpable! He could hardly stop laughing and talking, and rubbing his hands together, in complete happiness.

“It’s my birthday today!!” he immediately told our server. “Can you sing to me?!”

Our sweet server laughed as well and said of course. She mentioned the saddle, which we had to explain to Aaron, and which he agreed to our surprise to do…but later he backed out on that saddle business. He wanted the largest sirloin, but we insisted on the next size down. He barely quit talking and eating. He was large and loud and very, very happy!

His gift bags from Barb, and from Casady – Barb’s daughter and another very good friend – were perfect for Aaron because they know him so well. And they love him, which he fully knows.

At home later, he opened more gifts and he talked to family…and he loved the shark cuddle blanket from Andrea and Kyle!

Then on Sunday evening, we met his special friend Rosa for their traditional birthday dinner at Chili’s. Again, Aaron announced his birthday to our server and asked if they would sing to him and bring him ice cream with chocolate syrup. Look at Aaron’s happy face when after dinner several of the staff sang and clapped and made Aaron’s final birthday celebration complete.

Rosa ran to their car as we left, bringing out her doll head that she loves so much, while Louise and I laughed and laughed. We love Aaron and Rosa’s friendship!

My heart was warmed later when Louise told me about how she and Rosa were looking at calendars to buy for Aaron. Aaron loves animal calendars, so Rosa eyed each of the three that Louise showed her. Rosa instantly chose the buddy calendar that shows dog and cat buddies for each month. Isn’t that so sweet?

I’m very thankful for each of Aaron’s friends and family that love him. Every text, Facebook message, phone call, and gift to Aaron was also a very deep gift to me, as well. I loved seeing Aaron so happy, and I love seeing Aaron BE loved by so many precious people in his life.

Sometimes it’s easy to feel alone when you raise a child with special needs, especially when they are fully adults yet, as in Aaron’s case, still so fully dependent on the help he needs from the family and staff that surround him.

Easy to look at others who are Aaron’s age, or much younger, who are finishing school and getting jobs and raising a family.

Those thoughts for me are fleeting, though, because I know the danger they carry. Aaron is Aaron, created by God, and my responsibility is to love and care for him – not to regret that he isn’t someone else.

Barb’s daughter, Casady, a kind soul who loves Aaron to pieces, wrote this in Aaron’s card:

“Happy birthday, buddy! Thanks for making me see all the sides of life. Love you so much.”

Those words seem to just go over Aaron’s head, but not mine. Her words go straight to my heart and come out from my eyes in tears that I don’t let Aaron see…or he would call me a crybaby.

But oh, life really is so much more than our routine and our version of “normal.” Trust me, Aaron shows us sides of life that we never even thought of! And other sides that we would like to forget!

Yet Aaron also shows us how much fun it is to relish routine and special days and music and warm blankets and coffee and cows and horses and bugs and steak and movies and shopping and dogs and cats and milkshakes and sharing and pennies he finds on the ground.

I sometimes stop and look at Aaron when he’s doing an Aaron thing, and my heart swells ‘til it almost hurts. He is so unique, complicated, hilarious, maddening, and upsetting. All the sides of Aaron are also the sides that all of us have, but Aaron doesn’t often have the ability to hide them like we can. They’re out there for all to see…and to hear!

And this morning, I heard a seizure a little after 5:00, and another just before 8:00. Then one that he’s only had once before, back in April – long and strange and scary. This is the side of Aaron’s life I dislike the most, but it’s a side we must handle and manage as best we can. I handle it by being thankful in the many ways that God brings to my mind, and by knowing as well that God is there for us and for Aaron with His sovereign protection and grace.

The sides of Aaron’s life…the good, the bad, and the sad…are all wrapped up like a birthday gift that God gave to us the day that Aaron was born. It’s up to us to relish all of who Aaron is, even the hard sides of Aaron; to thank God for our special gift; and to care for him in all the ways he needs.

Every side of Aaron…every day.

Hey, it was Aaron’s birthday!!

And I’m happy about that!!

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The Trumpet

This story is written by a dear friend from college, who gave me permission to share. Her husband was a pilot, air traffic controller, and professor – among many other things – for years before a devastating stroke changed his life…THEIR lives…completely.

The professor began learning to play the trumpet on a borrowed instrument when he was in the 4th grade. His parents gave him a brand new trumpet, one that would be his very own, as a grade school graduation gift. He played his way through middle school and high school, as well as some in college. He must have studied some too though as he did manage to graduate. 😊

After college the trumpet rested on a closet shelf, only coming out occasionally. Like the time the professor called the cows home with it. And of course, it had to come out to play for that reunion with Old Green. But it pretty much spent the last oh-however-many-years it has been tucked away.

Due to a number of factors, the professor has not been able to play it since his stroke. We considered giving it away before making this latest move, but the professor wasn’t ready to part with it yet. So, the traveling trumpet’s case was plastered with another sticker of places it has been. Figuratively speaking.

It took up residence in the back of the guest room closet, coming out last winter so a snowbird could use it to play in the Winter Orchestra. When the snowbird went home the trumpet went back to the closet.

The Village has a cable channel for announcements, reminders, etc. Village residents are able to advertise things for sale on the channel, as well as things they might be ISO. We do not look at the channel as frequently as we should, sometimes even forgetting about it for weeks. Shame on us.

But “for some reason” we decided to look at it prior to going to church on Sunday evening. On one of the slides we saw that a friend who had arrived at the Village about the same time we did was looking for a used trumpet! We about jumped out of our seats! Looking at each other, we both knew this was why the trumpet was still hanging around.

On Monday afternoon the professor put the trumpet in his bike basket and happily pedaled over to deliver the horn.

Later that day the new owner came over to thank us again and shared the rest of the story . . .

That ad had been on the Village channel for some time and he had decided to remove it if he didn’t get a response soon. In the meantime, he had been looking at trumpets online. He had given his trumpet to his grandson before moving down here. It was going to cost him about $350 to get one to replace it. He realized Sunday morning that he really hadn’t prayed much about it. So, on Sunday morning he prayed, “Lord, if You want me to spend the $350 to get another trumpet, that’s okay, but if You want me to get one another way will You please show me?”

It was that day, after weeks of not looking at the Village channel, we “happened” to turn it on and see his ad. The professor was so happy and excited to be able to give the trumpet to his friend.

And would you believe the professor’s trumpet is exactly like the trumpet our friend used to have? It even has the same mouthpiece.

God, You are so amazing.

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I love how God showed Himself to my friends, and to their friend, in this very personal way. This is just a tiny snippet of their lives that our friends have shared over many years via her emailed stories, all full of God’s faithfulness and blessings, even in the very hard times. Thank you for letting me share this, my friend!

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