I'm Patty, and my husband and I are living with our adult son who has autism and epilepsy. I love sharing lessons learned from life around me, especially life with Aaron.
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.It’s nice to have a day to declare our love for the people in our lives that mean a lot to us.I’ll admit that I have loved every flower and card and box of candy that Gary has given me over the years.But in the past few days, I’ve once again seen that the best gifts my husband gives is what he gives of himself, over and over and over, as we walk this life road together with our Aaron.
Gary and I love Aaron.We have chosen at this point in our lives to keep Aaron at home with us.It’s not always easy, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.However, there are two attitudes that help tremendously as we care for our son.The first one is humor.
I’ll be honest and say that I like it when I pick Aaron up from his day group, and hear him say, “WHEW!!I’m stuffed!!”He then tells me what he ate for lunch that day, usually something on the large side.So I casually ask if he wants supper and he often says no.
Now, I don’t mean to sound mean, but Gary and I do enjoy eating dinner alone.Just the two of us, enjoying casual conversation and pauses of quietness……blessed quietness.Because if Aaron is with us, he loves to talk about his day and his recent activities and what he ate and what he said and how he was just teasing this person and how he got in trouble and what movie he’s watching and what aliens he’s interested in and what game he’s playing, etc., etc.He watches for the slightest pause in Gary’s and my conversation, or maybe not even a pause at all, and will jump in quickly.
“AND……guess WHAT?!!” he’ll interject.And he’s off and running with another tale that he knows we MUST hear.There is a time and a place for us to hear from Aaron, but we also enjoy each other’s company at least a few times a week.
The other night Aaron wasn’t planning to eat with us.Gary came home to two place settings on the kitchen table.We soon sat down to eat, just me and Gary, when we heard that all too familiar sound of Aaron’s heavy footsteps on the stairs.How does he do that?How does he just KNOW that we are sitting down to eat?
Gary asked the blessing as we held hands, with Aaron hovering there between us.As soon as the “Amen” was said, Aaron launched in.“DAD, guess what?!”
“Aaron,” I interrupted.“I thought you said you weren’t going to eat.”
“I’m not,” he replied.“DAD, guess what?!”
So there we were, Aaron’s captive audience.It’s always a struggle for us to know how blunt to be with Aaron.We don’t want to make him feel like he’s not wanted with us.But, really, we didn’t want him to stand there the whole meal and talk up a storm……and he would.He was well on his way to doing just that.
Finally I said, without terrible bluntness, “Aaron, now you’ve talked enough.You need to let us eat.”
“OK,” he said.He walked over to the counter, picked up a pineapple that he noticed, and brought it over to us.
“DAD!!Look at this!!Mom got a pineapple today!”
In Aaron’s mind, he WAS letting us eat.I didn’t want to be so blunt as to say, “AARON!!QUIT TALKING!!”So I told Aaron to let us eat, and he WAS letting us eat while he continued to talk.
Gary, also not wanting to be too blunt or hurtful to Aaron, looked at me and said, “Your clarification of your wishes would greatly enhance your desired results.”
Aaron had no idea what Gary was really saying.Gary and I laughed and laughed, which made Aaron think that we loved what he was saying about pineapples……so he continued his talking while he let us eat, just like I had told him to do.
Next to humor, patience is another important gift that Gary gives as we live with Aaron…..or he lives with us.
Gary ordered two updated Star Wars games recently for Aaron’s computer.He installed them for Aaron on Saturday.Then came Gary’s strict instructions to Aaron about not changing settings or doing any other things to mess up what Gary had taken time to do.We have lots of experience with Aaron doing just that.
Gary and I came home from church the next day to find Aaron telling his dad that something wasn’t right about the games.Without even looking, Gary knew…..and he was right.Aaron had tried to put some codes in or something…..it’s all Greek to me……and he had jumbled things up.Gary had to sit down and re-do much of what he had just done the day before.
It was a resounding GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR moment, for sure.And Aaron knew it…..knew he had blown it and knew we were frustrated.
Aaron finally came in my room and said, “Nobody forgives me!”Can we spell the word D-R-A-M-A?
The game was eventually back up and running.Gary had slipped outside to take Jackson, our Dane, for a walk.The walk was, I’m sure, doing more good for Gary than for the dog.
Enter Aaron……into the kitchen, looking for Gary.Gary, who was nowhere to be found.Aaron asked me and I couldn’t lie, so with resolute steps Aaron was out the back door and striding across the grass to catch up to Gary and Jackson.I felt badly for Gary.I knew he wanted some alone time.
Soon I looked out the window, watching them come from behind the tall evergreens into my view.They walked slowly, Gary and Aaron, with Gary talking and engaging with Aaron.It warmed my heart, as I am quite sure it did Aaron’s as well.
Gary’s love for Aaron is a great gift to me. His humor and patience often come at times that we both need them the most.Often when I am tired…..done…..ready to check out emotionally……Gary will step in and save the day for me.Those are some of the very best gifts that he gives me, and they’re not just on one special day or two a year.
Of course, I do still love flowers……just in case he reads this, you know. 🙂
Aaron went to the Goddard Day School for three years, graduating from there at the age of 21.His teacher, Tom, was just wonderful with Aaron and with all the students.Tom would have one-on-one time with each student.He would fix tea, sit with each one, and just talk and connect.Tom called that time Tea with Tom.
When Aaron was a senior and ready to graduate, he was allowed to quit going to school earlier than those students who weren’t seniors.Tom was still teaching, so one day he contacted me and asked if he could have one more Tea with Tom time with Aaron.He said he would come to our house, so we agreed on a day for Tom to come.
On the morning Tom was to arrive, I had things ready for our Tea with Tom.Tom wanted me to join him and Aaron.Gary was at work, even though he had a bad cold, and couldn’t be there for our tea time.That little detail about Gary having a cold is important.
So is the fact that off our kitchen, down a couple little steps, is a guest bedroom.And a small bathroom.Because of Gary’s bad cold which made him cough all night, he had been sleeping in that guest bedroom.This is another important detail to know.
Tom, Aaron, and I were enjoying our tea as we sat at the kitchen table.Aaron was full of non-stop talking, as always, and Tom was his usual patient self.
Tom turned to me at one point and asked if he could use our bathroom.I pointed him in the direction of the small bathroom.As he headed that way, he saw the bedroom and for some reason he commented about it.
“I didn’t know you had a bedroom there,” Tom innocently said.
And before I could even reply, Aaron answered.
“Yeah,” he flatly replied to Tom.“That’s where my Dad sleeps.He doesn’t sleep with my Mom anymore.”
Well.
There it was, on the table……like a family secret thrown out there for Tom to know.
I was horrified.Mortified.
I looked at Tom, my face flaming at this point.But Tom had turned and was heading for the bathroom.
“It’s not that way,” I somehow managed to say.
“You don’t have to say a thing,” Tom answered.
“YES, I DO!!!!” I blurted out.
So I explained Gary’s cold…..and his coughing……and his thoughtfulness in sleeping in the guest bedroom so as not to bother me……and that he and I were fine.
Why was I having this conversation with a man??!!
And Aaron, as usual, was oblivious to my embarrassment and to Tom’s discomfort with the direction this conversation had taken.
When Tom returned, our Tea with Tom resumed.We chuckled and nothing else was said about this family secret, at least not that I remember.
Everybody has a story.I’ve always found it so interesting to hear people’s stories.Biographies are some of my favorite books to read.Nothing, though, can compare to listening to someone tell their story…..their real life story.I’m not talking about famous people.I’m talking about common, everyday people like you and like me.
There is a story……an all too true story……that I have wanted to tell for a long time.A story of love, of sadness, of betrayal, and of ultimate forgiveness.
The story of Rachel and Leah.But not the Rachel and Leah you might be assuming I mean.This is not the Rachel and Leah story found in the Bible.No, this story is one that is all too close to my husband’s family.You see, this Rachel of whom I speak is Mama Rachel……the affectionate term by which Gary’s Grandmother, Rachel, was known.
Her story begins in the year 1905, when Leaketh Rachel Eller was born to Joseph Adam Eller and Florin Bavaria Moten.I include their full names because I find those mountain names to be so intriguing……so full of the rich heritage of the Smoky Mountains where they lived.It was in Weaverville, North Carolina, where Rachel was born.This little mountain community in western North Carolina was home to the Ellers.
They later moved to Flat Creek, not too far from Weaverville, where Rachel was raised……along with Robert, Roy, Mary Jo, Leah, John, and Jack.At the age of 12, Rachel went forward in their small country church and made a profession of faith, as it is often called.But Rachel would later tell everyone that she really wasn’t saved on that day.She made a firm decision to follow Christ two years later, at the age of 14, after singing in the church choir and being under great conviction about her sinful heart.That day, after she had washed the Sunday dishes, she went out behind the house.She walked up through the garden into a clearing in the pine trees.There she knelt on a large granite boulder and repented, promising the Lord to faithfully follow Him all the days of her life.Her commitment to follow Christ and His desires for her life that day never waned.She lived that life both publicly and privately before her acquaintances, her friends, and more importantly, her family.That decision to follow Christ totally changed her life, evident more than ever in the coming hard years.
Rachel
There was a man in those mountains, a good man, named William Edgar Edmonds.Edgar had been in the army, fighting in Mexico against Pancho Villa.When he was discharged from the army, he became a structural steel worker.And somehow he met Rachel.
Edgar and Rachel
Edgar and Rachel, he twelve years her senior, fell in love and were married in 1922.Rachel was only 18.Edgar was 30.Edgar lovingly called Rachel “Puny” because she had appendicitis shortly after they were married.Another, deeper pain entered their lives when Rachel lost their first baby.
Rachel
But more children followed.Willene, Jay, Betty, and Mary Leah were born while Edgar and Rachel lived on Balsam Avenue in Asheville, North Carolina.Edgar was a hard worker whose steel jobs took him far away from home for extended lengths of time.
Edgar left the steel jobs to take over a service station and garage so he could be home with his family. One autumn day he came home for lunch and told Rachel that he was going hunting with two friends.The three men later got in a small boat and proceeded to cross the French Broad River.Recent heavy rains made the river run high and the current strong as they set out in their boat.There is much mystery about what really happened that day, but the tragic end was the same…..Edgar fell, or was pushed, from the boat and drowned.
It was November 19, 1932.The first policeman who went to Rachel’s door to give her the horrible news couldn’t bring himself to tell her, so a second policeman broke the awful news to her.Rachel was holding 3 month old Mary Leah, and in her shock she threw the baby in the air.Rachel’s sister, Mary Jo, was there and caught Mary Leah in her arms.
The heartache was made even worse by the fact that Edgar’s body couldn’t be found.The raging river made it impossible for searchers to find his body, even after using grappling hooks and dynamiting the river bottom.Rachel’s grief was deep and unending.For weeks, she walked the river banks looking for her Edgar.
Finally, on April 8, 1933, three boys decided to go swimming in the French Broad.They held hands as they waded in the cold water, daring each other to get wet.One of the boys stepped on something, looked down, and told the others that he had found Ed.Later, one of Rachel’s brothers identified Edgar’s body.No one would let Rachel see him, though she tried.And so she began her life for real as a widow with four young babies to care for.
It wasn’t easy for a young widow in those days to provide for herself, much less for herself and 4 children.Rachel was fortunate to have a mother and father who were still living and who loved her.They built her a house on Flat Creek, where she moved and where she set out to raise her children.
There was another man in those mountains……a man quite the opposite of Edgar.This man’s name was Wayne, but he is known by family simply and disdainfully as The Preacher.He did go around the mountains preaching, but by absolutely no means did this man know the Lord personally.You will understand soon why I say that.
The Preacher carried the mail in those mountain communities.He was married to a woman, but one day he told her that he had met another woman that he wanted to marry.He said that her name was Leah.Leah……Rachel’s sister.But in the meantime The Preacher found out about Rachel, now a widow, and probably assumed that Rachel had insurance money.So he wooed Rachel, all the while seeing Leah.Rachel, unaware of any of this……and probably in some desperation over her situation…..married The Preacher.
Rachel and The Preacher lived at Flat Creek where a son, Wayne, was born to them.The Preacher began moving his other chidren to Flat Creek.Yes, there were other children up in those mountains……children that Rachel knew nothing about……children that she began to care for.
The Preacher eventually moved the family down to South Carolina for a period of time.He made the children work in the cotton fields…..hot, hard work in the summer sun.Then he moved them all back to Flat Creek, where later a son was born to unmarried Leah.Rachel and her mother were both with Leah when her son was born.Unmarried Leah…..but they all knew that The Preacher was the father of this new baby.And in anger, justifiably, Joseph Eller disinherited his daughter, Leah.
The Preacher moved Rachel and the children to Bryson City, west of Asheville, deep in the Smoky Mountains.Then came the war, and The Preacher moved to Akron, Ohio.Rachel finished training as a machine operator so that she could help during the war, so The Preacher sent for her and some of the children to come to Akron.Rachel boarded a bus for the long trip to Akron.She finally arrived, exhausted no doubt, and stepped off the bus.There stood The Preacher…..and beside him, to Rachel’s shock, stood Leah…..holding a baby.
Leah lived there in Akron with Rachel and The Preacher.It’s hard to imagine how difficult that was for Rachel.At some point, The Preacher came back to Bryson City.Later, he told Rachel he had a heart attack, so she returned to care for him.Leah returned to Flat Creek.
The following years were full of great hardship and terrible times.When he was home, The Preacher was mean and selfish.Then he would be gone for long periods of time, saying he was preaching revivals.Rachel did what she could to make ends meet.She was a mail carrier, even traveling over the mountains to Asheville.She was a seamstress……a maid at a hotel…..worked in factories……and gardened and canned at all hours so that she could feed her children.And feed The Preacher’s children, whom she still kept with her.
Finally, one day Rachel had lived in that desperate situation long enough.The Preacher came home, yet again, but this time Rachel told him to be gone when she got home from work.Whether it was in the way she said it, or some other reason, The Preacher did leave and never came back.
Years later, Rachel and Leah’s mother, known as Granny Eller, decided to try to find Leah.She was ready to ask law enforcement for help, but guess who stepped in and found Leah?Rachel.
Rachel contacted Leah, living in Arkansas with The Preacher, and told her that she needed to contact their mother, now very old.Leah eventually came home to North Carolina for a visit.None of the family wanted anything to do with her, except for one sister.Rachel.
Over the remaining years of Leah’s life, Rachel kept in touch with her.The one person that you would think would never want to talk to Leah again, much less see her, was Rachel.But Rachel had learned some lessons since she gave her heart to Christ at the rock behind her parent’s house on Flat Creek.That young 14 year old girl never dreamed the turn her life would take, but she had given her life to Christ and by doing that, she walked on a narrow path not traveled by many.
It was a path of some joy, yes, yet for much of her life it was a path marred by pain and hurt for which she could never have prepared herself.But she was kept on that path by the God she knew and loved, to Whom she was always faithful, and Who taught her about forgiveness.His forgiveness of her, and so her responsibility to forgive those whom had hurt her so deeply.
I met Mama Rachel in 1978, when Gary and I were dating.I loved her from the start.She was kind and she was wise.She loved telling stories, with a sparkle in her eye and her mouth turned up in a grin before she would often let out her wonderful laugh.She was a faithful saint, a woman of prayer……and her prayers and her love are the reason that Gary came to know Christ.I never detected an ounce of bitterness in her.
When later I listened to this story of her life, I was stunned.Just stunned that she had endured such awful things, but more so that she wasn’t angry or bitter.She wasn’t angry or bitter because she had learned how futile and disobedient it was to live that way.To follow Christ meant you let Him have charge of it all, even forgiving the ones that to us were the most unforgivable of all.
To follow Christ also meant loving everyone, including Leah’s three boys.Mama Rachel always let them know that they were cared for by her and welcomed in her home.She also did the same for the preacher’s other children, laying aside any heartache she may have felt in order to help each of them.They sometimes lived with her and continued to visit her for the rest of her life. The fruits of her forgiveness were seen in the love that these children had for Rachel.
On January 21, 2005, Mama Rachel celebrated her 100th birthday.
Mama Rachel on her 100th birthday, 2005
Then 10 days later she entered heaven, free at last from age and pain and the hurts of her life.She was truly an amazing woman in so many ways, but none more so than in her ability to live her life in forgiveness…..and model to all of us how to do the same.
Well done, Mama Rachel!Such a good and faithful servant.
Mama Rachel with Willene, Betty, Jay, and Mary Leah
A fresh start can be so nice. New everything. Out with the old, right? Well, not always, as I have seen on the past two days. We all know that to be true.
I ended my old year on a most familiar note…..playing SkipBo with Aaron right before bed. I guess that’s our version of a party, which suits Aaron perfectly as he really does NOT like parties. Parties have too much noise and emotion for him, thank you very much. But SkipBo with Mom is orderly, predictable, with nice piles of sequential numbers, and plenty of opportunity to cheat. Yes, cheat, of which Aaron is a master if not watched closely.
The next morning, our New Year morning, saw Aaron blandly staring at me as I very happily wished him a Happy New Year!! His lack of expression at these moments is often hilarious, but I can’t always laugh because he finds that emotional expression irritating or he thinks I am laughing at him. Which at times I am, but in a good way that he just wouldn’t understand.
Anyway, Aaron’s main concerns on our New Year morning were:
1) Can I have FOUR cups of coffee? (Don’t worry. The cups are half full).
2) Are there coupons in the newspaper for me to cut?
3) What time are we going to Chili’s for lunch?
Aaron had opened a gift during our family Christmas Bingo game. The gift was a Chili’s gift card that was burning a hole in…..well, in my wallet because I don’t dare give Aaron gift cards to keep. They won’t keep with him. They will be lost or given away.
I told Aaron that we would go to Chili’s after church. He wanted to know the exact time, so I gave him my usual ball park figure and he was happy. He was not so happy with the coupons in the paper for some reason. Still slow from his cluster of seizures on Friday night, the coupons did not make him show his usual sense of purpose. However, he settled in on the floor with his coupon trash cans as he sat on his coupon pillow with his coupon scissors…..and his FOUR cups of coffee on the bench nearby…..and he began to clip the coupons, very slowly.
I was in the bathroom later when Aaron came to the door. “Mom,” he slowly began. “I was cutting coupons but there were too much.”
Pause.
“OK,” I responded.
Pause.
“There were too much,” he repeated.
“Yes, there were a lot today,” I replied.
Pause.
“There were too much coupons,” he said again.
Pause.
“There were too much,” he once again asserted when he got no Mom reply.
Pause. Sigh from me.
“Aaron, just take a break. You can finish them later,” foolish Mom said.
Pause.
“I ripped them,” Aaron flatly replied.
Pause. Another sigh from me.
I was following Aaron’s train of thought, one all too familiar. He didn’t want me to cut those coupons.
“Because you don’t do them right,” he continued. “You don’t cut them straight on the line like I do.”
He made his exit on that note. No surprise from me. It might be a New Year, but we are still living in our old ways…..always, always.
And sure enough, there on the family room floor lay his unfinished little stack of coupons……ripped, just like he said. Aaron’s thinking has always been this…..that if he can’t cut the coupons, NO ONE will cut the coupons. Especially Mom, who is a dismal failure at coupon cutting.
Those ripped coupons were a stark reminder to me that just under the surface with Aaron there is always that issue of how he handles stress in his life. He reacts, and often his reactions are very inappropriate. His behaviors are a huge concern to us. So I stood there being reminded that we were on our first day of a brand New Year, brand new beginnings, brand new opportunities……and here we were, being slapped into our old reality of life with Aaron.
Some things just never change. We know that.
But there were other reminders of wonderful things that never change, either. Gary and I finally got to church on time. Yes, we were one of THOSE people who totally didn’t see the memo on the changed time for church……one of THOSE people who didn’t give New Year’s Day a second thought…..and so on this New Year’s morning we drove to church TWICE. And we laughed at ourselves. We’re HOW old?!
Anyway, we walked into church to the hugs and handshakes of sweet friends. And there was Joyce, who handed me a bag containing a huge bag full of Tootsie Rolls…..for Aaron, because of my recent Tootsie Roll blog. How unexpected and sweet, in more ways than one! Later, Aaron was also surprised and full of smiles at this kind gift.
The care of friends is unchanging in our lives. Such a blessing!
The worship and the message on our New Year’s morning was encouraging and challenging. And we sang one of my most favorite songs – Great is Thy Faithfulness. What a wonderful reminder of God’s unchanging faithfulness in our lives!
And later, as we sat with Aaron at Chili’s, Gary and I watched him ever so slowly eat his enchilada lunch and his salad. His joy at eating out was very evident. Never changing, his love of restaurant food! And seeing that joy is always fun for us, despite our constant reminders to him that he doesn’t need to take 17 toothpicks…..don’t stare at the other people and their food……don’t make noises…..don’t clap…..please don’t loudly stretch when you get out of the booth.
Never changing.
I was able to salvage a few coupons later from the ripped pages. I didn’t let Aaron see me as I quickly cut them out behind his back. And I know that we will continue to try to salvage good out of the bad days that Aaron will surely have this year. It’s our reality with Aaron, New Year or not.
But through it all I know, like that favorite old hymn says, that God will remain the same, too. Faithful to us, as always.
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Eight years ago today we got the news that my Dad had stepped into heaven. And for eight years before that, Dad had fought a hard fight against the cancer that eventually took his life. So many stories of that time in our family…..so many memories of the month I spent with him and Mom before he died. I’ve written much about it in the past.
This past Thanksgiving our family gathered in West Virginia, in our hometown. Some still live there in Princeton. Others had far to travel. It was an epic gathering, really, and the first time many of us had seen each other in years. Mom and Dad would have loved it, we all found ourselves saying over and over. Wouldn’t they have been so happy that we did this?!
And look how we have grown. This picture was taken in the mid-90’s.
The below picture was taken this Thanksgiving. Yes, we have multiplied! And we were missing a few who weren’t able to come!
We had a wonderful time, all too short, of hugs and laughter and lots of talking as we tried to catch up with each other. The day was over all too quickly. As nice as it was, though, I felt like something was missing. It just didn’t feel the same. I realized, as I thought about it, that the something missing was actually someone who was missing……Mom and Dad.
In the past they were the center of everything. Stories…..laughter……teasing……singing. So much of that revolved around them, and now for the first time this very important part of all our lives was gone. That was the huge difference that I felt. It just wasn’t the same, and I guess it just couldn’t be without Mom and Dad there as our focus.
I’ve been thinking today about Dad on this anniversary of his death. And remembering the very poignant part of our recent Thanksgiving meal when my brother, John, read to us out of Dad’s Bible. He told us this story before he read Psalm 145. In John’s own words:
Regarding Dad’s Bible, it started on Thanksgiving of ’15, when I reached up to a shelf at home to get a Bible to read Psa 145 for our family. I knew it was Dad’s Bible, but didn’t remember that he had carefully marked his daily readings with the dates on which he read each section (including the introductory notes and the 500 pages or so of study notes at the end). When I looked at Psa 145, I noticed he had read it on Nov 26, 2000, exactly 15 years to the day before I was set to read it to my family. There was something about that divine intervention that touched me very deeply. When I got ready to read the same chapter to our family this year, the thought hit me to check his detailed medical journals to see what he was experiencing at the same time he was reading those passages of praise in Psalms. He was right in the middle of his radiation treatments from his first bout with cancer. He had already had the surgery to remove two-thirds of his right lung, and had already finished the grueling chemo treatments. Now as he took radiation, he was circling verses like Psa 116:6, 116:15, 121:7, 126:3, 127:3-5, 131:2a. 138:8, and 139:16. What a window into his soul to see the verses that God was using to comfort him, giving him hope and trust in the greatest challenge of his life. And so characteristic of Dad, he was not talking with everyone about this. It was a very intimate journey with his Lord that bolstered his soul as his body suffered. I found myself thanking God for the man he was, and wishing I could talk with him about that journey. I probably missed him more then than at any time since he had died. What a treasure, though, to have that record of his triumphant faith in the midst of adversity.
Isn’t that amazing? I’m so glad John shared that with us. Dad’s “triumphant faith in the midst of adversity” never wavered as his body wavered and finally succumbed to this disease that we all hate. Dad remained true to the Lord, to Mom, and to his family.
And now today we five children carry with us his heritage of faith, as do many of our children and grandchildren. I’m so very thankful for that! Of all the many things to be thankful for this past Thanksgiving Day, that would be one of the biggest.
We miss you, Dad, but we know we’ll see you and Mom again. Thanks for showing us the importance of following Christ, and for living out your own faith so beautifully and consistently.
I was in TJ Maxx with my elderly friend, Nora, last Wednesday when I got a call from Paradigm, Aaron’s day group.I was tempted not to answer it, figuring it was Aaron just wanting to tell me about his day.That could wait.But I wasn’t sure, so I did answer and I immediately knew that the news was not good.Aaron was on the other end, his voice thick and choked with anger and tears. Here we go, yet again, I thought.How I wish that Aaron could stay happy!
I picked him up as soon as I got Nora settled back at her apartment.Aaron was asleep, so I had time to talk to the staff, all of us scratching our heads as to what caused his angry outburst that morning……and what the solution could be.I found out from Aaron later what happened.He tried to give his good friend two McDonald’s coupons and she didn’t want them.She wasn’t being mean to Aaron, just honest, but Aaron felt rejected and very hurt, so he just had a total meltdown.
Thursday was a better day for Aaron.Then came Friday…..
I told Aaron that we would go out to eat when I picked him up at the end of his day.His choice.So he chose Denny’s, of course.He does love Denny’s.On the way to Paradigm, I talked to him about being nice…..being kind with both his words and his hands.About talking to someone if he was angry or hurt.He agreed with everything I said……until he walked into Paradigm.
I was waiting in the van after I dropped him off, waiting for him to come and tell me if they were going to a movie.But instead, out the door came one of his staff.She told me that Aaron had become verbal instantly with another client when he walked in the door.Then out came Aaron, yelling at this staff as he stood on the sidewalk.He eventually got in the van and off we drove.My anger and disappointment and great frustration spilled out in harsh words as we drove toward home.I was so mad at Aaron and mad at myself for being mad, and it just all boiled over.
I pulled into Denny’s, deciding that it might do us both good to be in a neutral place.Aaron sat on the curb before going in, saying that maybe he just shouldn’t go in to eat.I told him to come on and he did, but for most of the meal I just sat silent.I was exhausted and defeated and still battling my anger.Aaron was scared……scared because of all the people from whom he fears rejection, he fears it the most from me.He kept telling me that he loved me……kept trying to share his salad with me…..his crackers, French fries, chicken strips……even reached over, took my hand, and kissed the back of my hand.Yes, he really did that.I wonder who saw it, and what they thought of my lack of emotion?
We ran into WalMart after our meal, where I picked up food for Thanksgiving bags for church, and Aaron tried to help. I still felt numb, tired.After I checked out, I looked toward the bench where Aaron was sitting, and this is what I saw.
Then my heart did stir with sorrow for Aaron as this picture of him was a picture of dejection, and his own tiredness.Oh Aaron, how I wish your life wasn’t so difficult and hard!And how I wish you could understand that you so often make it that way, and yet so often you can’t control the impulses you have that make you make it that way.It’s so complicated!
Aaron went right to bed when we got home.I went to the patio, baby monitor and my Bible in hand.I could listen for seizures while I spent some time unwinding and processing……reading my Bible and praying.I could hear Aaron’s steady breathing on the monitor as I breathed out my prayer to God, asking Him for wisdom to know how to deal with these constant ups and downs from Aaron.
I called my friend, Wendy, who walks this road that I walk.She understands and doesn’t judge.She offers counsel and advice, empathy and understanding.And I know that she prays for us, for Aaron……prays with love and care.
Aaron was awake then, coming outside to test the waters……to see if Mom was still distant and angry.He relaxed some when he could tell that I was better.He smiled when I said that we could take Jackson for a walk around the yard.
We walked down to the back of our yard, around the huge evergreens that hide the very back loop of our property.It’s an area that is hidden from view as you stand on our patio or look out our windows.You would never know it’s there until you walk behind the thick trees that keep it hidden.
I stood looking at the eerie sight.Branches of the old trees there hang low, gnarled together as they bend toward the ground.A finger of the neighborhood lake curls around under the limbs, still holding water since we’ve had such a wet summer.It’s a shadowy and dark place, a little creepy even.It’s interesting, but not warm and welcoming……not a place I want to linger for long.
As we stood there, Aaron talking and Jackson sniffing the bushes and tall grass, it hit me that this is so much like our life with Aaron.Anyone who lives with a person who has autism…..or multiple seizures…..and takes tons of meds to help them…..knows what I mean.
Aaron is funny and smart and often kind.But he is also prone to angry outbursts where he is hurtful and unreasonable.For days we may mostly see the pleasant side of Aaron, but we know that hidden inside him is still the anger and the frustration that he feels, and sometimes releases.It is not a fun place, and it is not a place where we desire to linger.Yet sometimes Aaron makes us linger there as his brain is going through whatever his brain goes through at those times.
I know that mentally and emotionally I must walk away from the shadows that threaten to engulf me when I am overwhelmed by Aaron’s behaviors.He needs me, for one thing.And I need to stay whole and strong, loving and forgiving.It’s not easy, but I must.Friends and family help.A good staff at Paradigm helps.Gary is my biggest help, taking over when I can’t.And definitely, crying out to God helps the most.
Aaron and I turned from that scene, finally, and went back out into the open yard…..to the sunshine and grass……to the full view of our welcoming house.Likewise, given a little time, he and I returned to our normal relationship.I love him dearly.I know he needs me.He needed me when he had three hard seizures during the night on Friday.But he also needed me even more when he was out of control emotionally that day.He needed me to believe in him…..to discipline him……to try to help him even when he pushes me away……to care for him and to love him.
Behaviors are perhaps the hardest part of Aaron’s disability.They are frustrating, embarrassing, and exhausting at times.Families who deal with this need extra love and prayer.Staff who deal with this need the same, as well as frequent thank-you’s for what they endure.
Aaron’s behaviors hold him back in many ways…..and could easily hold us hostage in many ways, as well.But Gary and I know that we can’t let the dark times be our focus. Like the staff at Paradigm says, today is a new day and we start all over.
We don’t always get to choose our view on any given day, but we don’t have to stay forever where the view is scary and dark.
“Today is the day that the Lord has made!Let us rejoice and be glad in it!”(Psalm 118:24)
Last Monday, Aaron had a rough and grouchy day at his day group.Sometimes we can pinpoint the cause and other times we just can’t.I’m so thankful for the understanding staff at Paradigm.I don’t know how they do what they do on some days, but I do know that they don’t get paid enough for all they endure on those days.I love their philosophy:Tomorrow is a new day and we start all over.
As I said goodnight to Aaron at the end of his rough day and gave him a hug, Aaron said, “Mom, tomorrow I’ll go happy!”
So on the next day, the new day in which we were starting all over, Aaron was indeed happy.His attitude was entirely different than the no good very bad yesterday.And on this better day we also got some wonderful news from our daughter in Houston.She has a break between jobs and was coming home for a visit!!!!Not only Andrea was coming, but also her boyfriend Kyle!!!!Not only Andrea and Kyle were coming, but also Andrea’s two dogs and Kyle’s dog!!!!!
Can you tell I was excited?You bet!Aaron was excited, too.He loves and misses his sister.He’s getting to know Kyle and to realize that Kyle is a new part of our family.But oh, I know Aaron and I know that having a house full of people and pets can be challenging for him.We face this issue any time that we have extra people around…..extra noise……extra routine disruptions……extra attention grabbers away from our usual main attention grabber.
We work to prepare Aaron for those disruptions before they occur.I went over several things with him, like how he would use Gary’s and my bathroom while Andrea and Kyle were here.We talked about the dogs and how we need to act with having four dogs in the house.I tried to cover all the bases with Aaron, but Aaron brings out new bases quite often……based on what’s happening around him at the time…..things we just can’t predict.
I let Aaron stay home from Paradigm on the two Paradigm days that Andrea and Kyle were here.Aaron was SO happy with that idea!!He loved going with us to eat lunch at Freddy’s.
He loved going for a walk in Swanson Park.
He loved being here with us and the doggies.
He loved us watching Independence Day Resurgence with him while he ate snacks and snacks and snacks.
He loved trying to sneak snacks and snacks and snacks to the doggies.
He loved talking to all of us, especially to Andrea and Kyle, about all his favorite topics.And this is where we usually start seeing some issues with Aaron, because Aaron doesn’t know when to stop talking.Sharing the stage is hard for Aaron.He truly wants to be included in our conversations as we sit around the dinner table, for instance.We do listen to him and try to include him, but Aaron isn’t going to talk about the subjects that we talk about.
Here is a sample conversation:We may be talking about Andrea’s new job or talking about Kyle’s summer at sea.Then Aaron will loudly call one of our names.
“Andrea!!”he says.When she responds to him, we often hear this from Aaron:“Ummm.Ummm.Ummm.”We wait.“Ummm.Did you know what the Queen Alien on Independence Day Resurgence looks like?!”
“No, Aaron, I don’t know what she looks like,” Andrea answers.
“Well, she looks like a…..I don’t know.Mom, what do you think she looks like?” Aaron asks.
So I try to answer but I don’t really know how to describe the Alien Queen because it’s been awhile since I saw that movie….and I don’t really care what the Alien Queen looks like…..and in trying to muster some enthusiasm and interest in this question that I’ve heard a hundred times, Aaron can sense a shift in my emotions.As much as Aaron struggles with social norms, he is very adept at picking up the subtle cues that we are not as animated about Alien Queens as we are about Andrea’s job or Kyle’s schooling.
He views our world from afar, wanting so much to enter in, but never knowing how.But he does express his frustration by comments that we later hear.
“Mom, you didn’t want to talk to me.You just wanted to talk to Andrea or Kyle,” he will say.
I try to explain that we do want to talk to him but that we haven’t seen Andrea or Kyle in so long…..and we want to catch up with them on their lives…..but to Aaron that doesn’t make sense.Round and round we go, and where we land nobody knows.Or when we land.
Which happened on Friday during supper.Andrea’s friend, Sarah, had come over to see Andrea and Kyle.They sat in the family room visiting and talking and laughing.Aaron was up in his room, then down in the family room…..up in his room, down again.He wanted to be a part and he was in many ways.He just can’t be the whole part and so conversation would swirl around him.Kyle was talking and laughing at one point, and Aaron whacked Kyle’s leg with a book.I heard it but didn’t see it.It was a sign of things to come.Aaron was frustrated now, truly frustrated, and when that happens he picks a target.Lucky Kyle.
I don’t remember all the details of what happened at supper. I was up from the table getting slices of cheesecake ready to serve.Aaron was at a boiling point and we didn’t realize it.His system was on overload…..his pressure gauge was maxed out…..and he erupted.He leaned forward and yelled at Kyle.
Aaron left the table.We apologized to Kyle.He was understanding and patient.Aaron came down later and apologized.We watched the movie later and Aaron was very happy, as if nothing ever happened.
Why do I tell you this story, one you’ve heard before if you’ve read this blog for very long?Because this scenario is just a very real picture of how Aaron processes…..or doesn’t exactly process…..the world around him.Our world is ticking along like normal, but Aaron’s isn’t.He is so impacted by nuances that we don’t even notice.Sounds…..loud laughter that he doesn’t understand…..hilarity……silliness…..his routine changing….All these things greatly affect him, more than we can begin to know.
So he reacts, usually loudly and hurtfully.Then he’s sorry.It takes great understanding, as I’ve said, to deal with this about Aaron.He doesn’t think like we do or process as we do or react over time as we do.
But he truly wants to.
Andrea and Kyle left to go back to Houston the next day.Aaron was with us in the driveway, entering into things, when Andrea asked for a hug.Aaron ducked his head and walked away, through the garage and into the house as he muttered to himself. A hug in front of everyone?Are you kidding me?! We know this about Aaron and it makes us smile.He can yell, but spontaneous hugs are very, very difficult.
One of the first things I did after they left was to get Aaron’s things put back in his bathroom.“Us kid’s bathroom,” he calls it.We got his cup with his toothbrush and toothpaste put back on the counter.We got his body wash and wash cloth back in the shower.We hung his towel on the towel rack.
Aaron then noticed that his razor attachments were not in the correct place.He rearranged them the way he wanted them.He stood back and observed the counter for a few seconds.
Then he said, “OK.It’s looking good.”
That night at supper, Aaron asked the blessing.He nearly always says two things when he prays.He doesn’t say the same thing with each prayer, but he says two things.On that night he said, “Lord, thank you for the food.And thank you that Kyle and Andrea got to come.”
Yes, it was looking good now for Aaron.He was happy that Andrea and Kyle were here, along with Darcy and Oakley and Aries and our own Jackson.He will be very happy when everyone comes for Christmas.
Aaron will have every intention of saying, “I’ll go happy!”
He’ll go happy into our family time, but it will be a time of upheaval for him and of struggle as well.It’s up to us to understand that and to allow that for Aaron, all the while trying to help him know how to take time to decompress and not to blow up.
Only when things are back to normal…..Aaron’s normal…..will he be able to step back and say, “OK.It’s looking good.”
And it’s very important for us to be able to look at Aaron’s world through Aaron’s eyes, and still be able to say, “OK, Aaron.It’s looking good.”
Let’s go happy!It’s sometimes the hard choice, but always the best choice.
Aaron has just recovered from a nasty virus. It was nasty in more ways than one. He felt terrible. He had a stuffy head. He had a sore throat. He ran a fever. He had some seizures. All of this is definitely nasty. But there is another level of nasty with Aaron when he has a cold……a level that I have written about in the past.
Aaron would not blow his nose. We’re not totally sure why he won’t blow his nose, but he just refuses. Therefore, as I wrote before, Aaron snorts. It’s very disgusting and annoying. Nasty. For me, for Gary, and for anyone else within hearing distance.
I told Aaron over and over how much better he would feel if he blew his nose. I finally resorted to telling Aaron over and over how much better his dad and I would feel if he blew his nose. Aaron wasn’t particularly interested in how we felt, however, so the snorting continued. He wasn’t even interested in the fact that blowing would help HIM feel better.
Until finally, one day, my words got through to Aaron’s stuffed up head. He blew his nose. He actually, for real, blew his nose. I praised and praised him as if he was a small child who had just gone potty for the first time. He looked at me as if I was an irritating gnat, so I backed off the vibrant praise and tried to be very flat and factual, which Aaron much prefers.
“Good job, Aaron,” I said with a level voice. “Doesn’t that feel better?”
“Yeah,” he said as he walked away.
The next time he blew his nose, I asked to see the Kleenex. He knew then that I had surely lost my mind, but I told him that the color of the mucus could tell us if he had an infection.
Sorry for being gross.
But Aaron held out the Kleenex very gingerly and I peeked at it, made a comment…..we don’t need details……and off Aaron went.
Aaron marked that information down, though, as a way to keep reminding us that he wasn’t feeling well. When he’s sick, we hear over and over the same four word comment from him: “I’m not feeling well.”
“Mom!” he said soon after the mucus color test. “I blew my nose and it was GREEN!! That’s how I’m not feeling well!”
I wanted to tell him that’s how I’M not feeling well now!
I heard a lot from that point on about green nose stuff. We were still in a nasty mode, but at least it was in a Kleenex now.
Speaking of……Aaron did with his nose blowing what he does with everything in his life. He developed his own way of doing this task.
He had to have a box of Kleenex with him at all times. Not a few Kleenex, but a box. A box at his desk. A box on the end table beside his TV chair. A box on the kitchen table while we played Skip-Bo. A box on the nightstand beside his bed at night.
And not only a box of Kleenex. He also had to have a trash can in which to place the dirty Kleenexes after blowing. And not just any trash can. It had to be his trash can from his room. His trash can beside his desk. His trash can beside his TV chair. His trash can beside the kitchen table while we played Skip-Bo. His trash can beside his bed at night.
When he finally felt better and was able to return to his day group, he was still needing to blow his nose. By now his nose blowing was routine for him, but also done in just his routine way. So he told me that he needed to take a box of Kleenex with him to Paradigm on his first morning back. I agreed, and Aaron was very happy about that, as you can see.
He marched into Paradigm that morning, box of Kleenex in tow, ready to start his new week.
“Barb!” he said as he barged into her office. “I’m blowing my nose! I brought a box of Kleenex!”
Barb laughed and I explained. She knows Aaron well enough to understand that this was a big moment for him, and to not question the box of Kleenex.
I was just thankful that Aaron didn’t insist on taking his trash can!
Aaron has blown and blown and blown this past week. We hope his nose blowing hang ups are a thing of the past. We definitely hope that his snorting is a thing of the past!!
And once again we just watch as Aaron decides to own something like this…..and to really make it his own, in the unique way that totally suits him.
Gary and I are once again along for the ride, shaking our heads and laughing when Aaron can’t see or hear us. Even something as mundane as nose blowing becomes a picture of just how unique Aaron is.
There are some things that I can always count on with Aaron. He will always write down the time he gets up in the morning and the time he goes to bed at night. He puts these times in the notebook that he keeps by his bed, on the floor. Always on the floor. He will always only read at night. He will always keep his tennis shoes on his floor in front of his trash can, placed just so-so. He will always ask at night if it’s going to rain and if I’m going to have the monitor on, to listen for seizures. He will always want four cups of coffee in the morning (they’re not full, but there must be four!). He will always finish a song we’re listening to before he gets out of the van. And he will always want a house salad when we eat in a sit-down restaurant.
In fact, as soon as his bottom hits the seat…..before our host or hostess can say a word…..Aaron looks up and says, “Can I have a house salad?!” So I have to run interference and rescue the confused host or hostess by telling Aaron that he needs to wait to order his salad.
When the host or hostess comes back with our water, Aaron once again looks up and asks if he can have a house salad. Never mind about ordering his meal. His salad is of prime importance, and once it is ordered…..with Ranch dressing and no croutons…..then he can get on with the business of looking over the menu and making his meal decision.
A couple weeks ago, as Aaron ate his house salad in IHOP, he said, “I like this salad. The lettuce is black and yellow.”
I smiled and thought that of course the lettuce looks black and yellow to Aaron. He’s color blind, and so not only did the lettuce look black and yellow to him, but black and yellow lettuce made perfect sense to Aaron.
Just like so many other things in Aaron’s life, I thought. We don’t see it quite like Aaron, but to Aaron his view of things makes perfect sense. The rest of us are left to figure those things out and understand them.
Here are some recent examples:
THE SATELLITE CLOCK!
It’s actually a satellite weather station that Aaron had on his desk. He loved it. He especially loved the precise time it kept, and the display of the outdoor and indoor temperature. He kept a close eye on those temperatures. One Saturday morning, Aaron came downstairs, looking troubled.
“Mom,” he began. “My clock says that the temperature is 13!”
I knew he meant the outdoor temperature, because that’s the only temperature that he keeps track of. Since it was summer, I also knew that something was very wrong with his weather station. And since something was very wrong with his weather station, I knew that something was very wrong with Aaron’s world. Since something was very wrong with Aaron’s world, I knew that something was about to very wrong with Gary’s and my world. That’s how these issues work. A domino effect, you know.
The planet was definitely out of kilter for the remainder of that day. Aaron came downstairs repeatedly, telling us that the temperature was wrong. I finally asked, “Aaron, can’t you just ignore the temperature?”
Aaron looked at me with no expression, but I could see that he thought I was very off balance. “Aaron, can’t you just ignore the temperature?” I asked again.
“No,” was all he answered as he turned and walked away. Life had become very hard for Aaron at that point.
Gary worked on the outdoor sensor, to no avail. Later, Aaron came back downstairs and told me that he wanted to take a nap. I agreed, and he started to walk away. But he stopped, turned around, and said, “I would take a nap. It’s just that my clock says 97.”
So the temperature had jumped from 13 to 97? Neither of those temps was correct, as Aaron knew all too well. However, I assured him that he could really take a nap regardless of the temperature on his clock.
He turned to walk away once again, but once again stopped. Turning around, he said, “I would take a nap, it’s just that……” What he left unspoken spoke volumes. It’s just that his clock was sitting on his desk showing the wrong temperature, and to Aaron that clock was screaming, “ALL IS NOT WELL IN YOUR WORLD!!!! WE NEED TO MAKE IT RIGHT!!!!”
Bless his heart, Gary made it right. He ended up buying a new clock that shows the outside temperature, and now all is well.
THE TV SERIES!
Aaron got all nine seasons of The X-Files for his birthday and for Christmas last year. He finally, after several months, finished watching all nine seasons. But then one day in Wal-Mart he found the new tenth season. He still had a Wal-Mart gift card, so I let him buy season 10. Those of you who know Aaron well can guess what happened.
Aaron had to start watching the whole series again, beginning at season one. You don’t simply watch season 10, people. You must watch the series in order. Season 10 must come after season 9, which comes after season 8, which comes after……
You get the idea. He had to watch the whole series again.
The WHOLE. SERIES!!!!!!
I think he’s just beginning season five right now. I so hope there is not a season 11.
THE EXPIRED COUPON!
Aaron cuts out my coupons that are in the Sunday paper. He is extremely meticulous, trying very hard to cut only on the dotted line. No shortcuts are allowed. He is sure that he is the only person in our house that cuts coupons correctly. We have lots of coupon stories that we could tell.
Anyway, the other day I was taking expired coupons out of my coupon box. I had a pile of coupons that were of no use any longer. Aaron walked in the kitchen and spied the pile of coupons. He asked what I was doing with them, making me feel like I was partaking in something forbidden. So I explained that I was sorting out the expired ones.
“What are you going to do with them?” he asked suspiciously. I told him I would throw them away. He stood over me staring at the coupons that I was laying out to be tossed in the trash. That’s when he saw it……the coupon that somehow was not exactly cut on the dotted line. I’m sure he thought it was one that I had cut out, since he knows that Mom is a very sloppy and careless coupon cutter. He reached over and gingerly picked the offending coupon out of the mess laying there.
Then he went over to the kitchen drawer, opened it and took out his scissors, walked back over to me, and began to cut that coupon on the dotted lines…..the way it was intended to be cut!
He didn’t care when I reminded him that I was just throwing that coupon away. He didn’t care when I told him that the coupon was expired and of no use anymore. He didn’t care that I told him he was just wasting his time. He continued to carefully cut off the extra little strip of paper and let it fall into the pile of expired coupons. Then he took the coupon that he had just corrected, laid it on the rest of the coupons very methodically, put away his scissors, and walked away as if all was well with the world.
Because for Aaron’s world, things were made well at that point.
Silly Mom.
THE ICE CREAM!
My last example…..for now…..is Aaron’s bowl of ice cream. This past Friday night we were getting ready to watch a favorite TV show, Blue Bloods. Aaron was with me earlier in the day as we bought some groceries. I bought him some Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream that he wanted, so before Blue Bloods started he asked if he could have a bowl of his new ice cream. I got his ice cream and handed him the bowl as he sat in his favorite family room chair.
I was in the kitchen for a few more minutes. When I walked back into the family room, there sat Aaron is his chair……but he wasn’t eating his ice cream. He had placed the bowl on the ottoman in front of him.
“Aren’t you eating your ice cream?” I asked him.
“Not yet,” he told me.
And it hit me. Aaron was doing with his ice cream what he also does with his popcorn at the theater. He was waiting for Blue Bloods to begin before he would pick up his bowl and eat his ice cream. I watched him. Sure enough, the second that Blue Bloods began, Aaron reached over and picked up his bowl of ice cream. He ate every bite and loved it…..but not until it was just the right time to do so.
You see, life for Aaron has certain rules. He doesn’t walk around explaining those rules to us, but we’ve come to know them well since we have lived with autism for so long. Someone else wouldn’t get it at first, but trust me when I say that Aaron would educate them soon enough……and at times maybe not so kindly.
Strange how he has precise coupon cutting and ice cream eating rules, but his rules of etiquette and relationships can be sadly lacking. How he can’t nap when his clock is showing the wrong temperature, but he can sleep soundly at the end of one of his rough behavior days. How he will take weeks and weeks to re-watch X-Files so that he can keep the seasons in order, but saying a simple “I love you” is so difficult for him.
It’s just like his salad with the black and yellow lettuce. Sounds pretty weird to us, even yucky, but not to Aaron……because that’s just how he sees it, right there in front of him. The salad tasted fine, no matter the color. And the taste was what mattered to him.
So Aaron’s ordered world is what matters to him, too. Ordered in his way that he understands, because that’s just what he does and it’s really all he can do. He’s come a long way and made lots of improvements, but Aaron is Aaron.
And sometimes we’re the ones who need to improve, honestly. Improve in our acceptance and our understanding of Aaron, not expecting him to bend to us but instead be willing to bend to him. Our way isn’t always the only way, in many areas.
But I draw the line at black lettuce. Not gonna do black lettuce.
Yellow, maybe……but not black.
Well…..maybe just a taste. It might surprise me. ♥
A little after 6:00 yesterday morning, I heard a loud thump coming from Aaron’s room.I opened his door to find him lying on the floor beside his bed.He had obviously fallen out of bed, but why?I didn’t hear a seizure, so I assumed that he had just been too close to the edge of his bed and ended up tumbling out onto the floor.But he wasn’t waking up and I was wondering what had happened.He’s too big for Gary and me to lift, so I had to leave him there after checking him for injuries and hope that he woke up soon.
He did awaken and climb back into bed.Later, when he got out of bed and had taken his shower, he came into my bathroom where I was readying for the day.“Mom,” he said in a low voice.“I don’t feel well.My head hurts.”
I looked at him and saw a red mark on his forehead where he had hit his head on the lower shelf of his nightstand when he fell out of bed.Poor Aaron.Sometimes it seems that if something’s going to happen, it’s going to happen to Aaron.
After talking to him for a few minutes, I decided to let him stay home for the day.I was mentally shifting gears then as I rearranged my schedule somewhat, knowing that Aaron would be home.It’s really not a life changing big deal, usually, to keep Aaron at home on days that I don’t plan on him being home.But I do have to shuffle some things around that are on my list for that day.Like I said, not a big deal on most days……but it can be an inconvenience.
There’s another element, too, in keeping Aaron at home.I’ll be honest…..I enjoy my alone time and am refreshed during my breaks from Aaron.I feel selfish to say that, but all parents understand what I mean.As I make a decision to keep Aaron with me all day, I know that I might end up frustrated as the day progresses.He likes to shadow me all day between his times on his computer, talking constantly about things that either don’t interest me or that I have heard over and over and over.
It’s at those times that I know I have a decision to make…..basically, be content or be miserable.Be understanding or be irritated.
I was thinking about these things this morning as I heard a man on the radio talking about his unplanned health issues that have severely impacted his life.He said that he has learned not to let his joy be dictated by his circumstances.
On a much, much smaller scale, that is the decision I faced yesterday.And it’s the decision that I face on many days, not just concerning Aaron, but concerning every aspect of my life.
Do I allow my circumstances to dictate my joy……or do I let God dictate my joy even IN my less than ideal circumstances?
God tells me to be content in every situation, with thankfulness to boot.I don’t even want to tell you how many times I mess that up!
I thought back on yesterday with Aaron and was struck by what I would have missed had I not kept Aaron at home…….other than tons of talk about the movie Battle Los Angeles; his new delight in playing Battleship on his computer as he expounds on EVERY. SINGLE. WEAPON.; and whether Charlie Daniels is from the north, the south, or the west, and is he a cowboy singer or a country singer; and so much more.Really.Much, much more.
So what would I have missed?
I would have missed his heartfelt hug, so rare on most days from Aaron.
I would have missed him at lunch, saying, “I’ll wait for you to eat with me, Mom, so we can pray.”Then holding his hand and listening to HIM pray his simple, sweet prayer.
I would have missed him asking if he could do the watering of my porch plants.Look at his tongue! 🙂
I would have missed him going with me to Dillon’s, where he asked if he could buy two thank-you cards for Barb and Brandy at Paradigm.
I would have missed watching him prepare those cards, and ask if he could include a Papa Murphy’s coupon in each one.
I would have missed the opportunity for God to once again speak through these simple things to my sometimes stubborn, selfish heart.I am living the life that God planned for me.It’s not a bad life at all, but not necessarily the path of life that I would have chosen if I had been given the option to plan it all myself.I mean, I’m the age where I should be an empty nester and have freedom…..right?
Nope.Not at this point, and maybe never.But there is so much joy, even in the frustrations, because I have learned that God is good and His plan is good.HIS plan……not mine, always.
So yeah, my circumstances should not dictate my joy.My joy is dictated by God IN my circumstances.
Being thankful is a huge part of my joy.It’s really the key that opens the door to joy, but it’s the hardest thing to do sometimes.It’s pretty cool that Aaron wanted to buy those thank-you cards yesterday.I need one to continually hand to God, every day, many times.
