Uncategorized – Page 14 – He Said What?!

Sidelined

Our daughter, Andrea, is a molecular biologist specializing in genetics. A few years ago, she was hired by a health systems company to get their genetics lab started. In addition to their pharmacogenetics testing, they have added a new venture called My Fit Key. Andrea developed the testing for this program. My Fit Key tests anyone, from couch potatoes to professional athletes, in order to determine what their DNA says about their bodies…heart, muscles, etc. It’s very fascinating!

Recently, a well-known NFL quarterback decided to send his sample in to be tested. One of the health system’s executives was very happy about this development. He came into Andrea’s office one day, full of excitement.

“So, Andrea,” he asked, “do you know a little someone named ______?”

Andrea looked at him. “Hmmmm,” she replied. “I don’t believe I do. Should I?”

Poor Mr. Executive wilted in disappointment.

“There are just TOO many scientists in this building!!” he exclaimed.

HaHaHa!!! Oh, the frustration of all those non-sports enthusiast scientists!!

I think each of us has a tendency to be drawn to the big names, whether it’s in sports or movies or any other endeavor. It’s just human nature. I know when a certain movie star is here in Wichita, whole newspaper columns are written about people’s encounters with him. I rode in the elevator with him! I saw him at Best Buy, where I watched him buy a phone charger! He came in the restaurant where I was eating! And on and on it goes. Folks have their pictures made with him, but his assistant is rarely seen in any of those pictures that are in the paper. Only the famous seem to matter.

We all know the star players, but no one knows the name of the water boy. We’re awestruck with the celebrity, but we ignore the person who cleans the bathrooms. We’re wowed by the singer, but basically ignore the ones manning the concession stand. We want to chair the committee, but not be the cook in the kitchen.

I have seen this attitude permeating Christ followers as well, unfortunately. It’s an attitude that seeps in to our thinking and then our conversations all too easily. We usually don’t even mean to do it, but how often have you heard someone say, “Well, all I can do is pray.”

As if prayer, and praying, isn’t that much but at least it’s a little something that I can do. A minor little insignificant thing, unlike the big things like preaching and teaching and singing.

There’s nothing wrong with being the quarterback, the main actor, the beautiful singer, the preacher or the teacher. I’m certainly thankful for some of these individuals in many ways.

But there’s also nothing wrong with being the person who does the “only’s” in life. We’ve all felt this way at one time or another. We’ve all heard it said – or said it ourselves.

“I’m only a mom.”

“I’m only the cook.”

“I’m only sitting in the pew.”

“I’m only cleaning the building.”

“I’m only sending some cards in the mail.”

“I’m only one person.”

“I’m only praying.”

I am especially thinking of persons who get sidelined in life. Being sidelined is not fun. We all know that the quarterback is devastated when he’s sidelined with an injury. He’s forced to watch the game go on without him while others take his place. Sitting the game out is NOT what he signed up for!

Sometimes we’re sidelined in our lives…sidelined due to illness, moving, stress, age, being replaced, or any number of other reasons. It’s such a difficult place to be, especially when you’ve grown to love being active in the mainstream.

I was recently talking to my sister, Kathryn. What a turn her life took years ago due to numerous and debilitating health issues! She went from working full time and being a very supportive and active pastor’s wife to being basically homebound, unable to even go to church. As we talked, she casually mentioned to me that she prays. The one thing that she can do all during her days, even if she’s lying in bed, is to pray.

But that ONE thing is a HUGE thing!!!

And I told her that!

How busy my days sometimes are…too busy to always pray like I should and like I want to. My mind gets crowded with too many other issues and my calendar is full, and if I’m not careful, my busyness and my tiredness affect my prayer life.

But Kathryn prays, all through her day at home…she prays by individual name for family and friends and church and our nation and so much more, I’m sure.

I wasn’t just trying to make Kathryn feel good about her situation when I told her what a huge thing her prayer life is. James said the same thing!

“The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:16, ESV)

praying hands

Our power doesn’t come from our position. Our power comes through our prayers. It’s God Who hears us, answers us, and is delighted when we pray.

So, if today you’re sidelined, don’t see yourself as being “less than” or useless. Grab your situation with joy and see it as a treasured time to pray.

Only in eternity will we know fully what God accomplished because of our secluded times of prayer!

0174b61db2c7eced4621c24af7df7717

Work, Work,Work!

I believe every family has sayings that have been passed down over the years – sayings made by family members and then repeated again and again. Often these comments are funny, laughed at every time they are uttered as memories of the person and the situation surface once more.

One of our family favorites is a comment made by Aaron years ago when he was very frustrated by having to pitch in and do some work around the house.

“Work, work, work!!” he exclaimed. “All I do is WORK!!”

No one understands the humor of his statement like we do. That’s because we all knew…and know…Aaron. He worked the least but complained the most. Now when one of us repeats that phrase with great emphasis, we all just laugh and shake our heads…just like we did when Aaron first said it.

I do believe we now have a new phrase, thanks once again to Aaron. Another one of many he has left us over the years, trust me.

Two weeks ago, Gary and I were packing up our vehicle for our annual trip to Houston. We travel there every April to see Andrea and Kyle, and with the added bonus of spending time with Andrew, who is there for an NHRA race.

This year we were taking lots of Andrea’s “stuff.” That’s because she and Kyle are married now, and have a house, so her “stuff” is hers once again.

We had many loads to carry out and put in our vehicle. Aaron was in the middle of all of it, talking and hovering, hoping that none of this activity was going to eat into our normal evening routine of watching a DVD or show. He seems to think that his presence will continually remind me that he is my priority.

So, we put him to work. He was willing to do so, thankfully, and really was a huge help. He helped lift the heavy electric piano into the van, as well as carrying box after box outside for us. Eventually, though, as we were nearing the end, Aaron’s impatience started to surface. He knew that I still had other things to do before we could watch a show. Bedtime was looming. His routine was already a mess, and his nerves were showing. He was excited at our leaving, with thoughts of all the restaurant meals awaiting him and his caregiver during the week, but also anxious at our being gone and his normal life being a little unhinged.

Aaron never offers to sit and talk about his feelings. Goodness, no! He doesn’t even understand what’s going on in his head and heart. But he does SHOW his feelings by usually hurting ours. Or by being confrontational, rude, stubborn…you get the picture.

His happiness at helping had turned instead to blame. He blamed his anger on us for making him work. He and I worked through all that for the most part, watching our show as he calmed somewhat, but then as I tucked him into bed later, he erupted again.

“Mom!!” he said. “You made me do servant work!! I don’t like SERVANT work!!”

It was so hard not to laugh! But believe me, all of us…minus Aaron…laughed a lot about what he said as we spent a few fun days together.

Servant work! Indeed!

In the week since we’ve been home, I’ve seen the other side of Aaron…the side that enjoys helping us. He wanted to help me cook supper one night, and then to send a picture to Andrea – who told me that it looked I was making Aaron do servant work again. 😊

He also wanted to share his Sonic mint with Gary that evening, so he put it on Gary’s supper plate.

This past Saturday, he asked if he could help me with some pruning.

He often takes our recycling to the container; brings down his laundry; sets the table; and other chores around the house.

Aaron is usually happy to help when things are going the way he wants. But when his version of normal is anything but, then helping becomes “servant work.” Not fun…not to be expected…not to be done!

I look at myself and I see this attitude of Aaron’s in me more than I like to admit, especially when it comes to caring for him. I’ll be honest. Taking care of a special needs child, even your OWN special needs child, is not all halo moments where we feel or act like angels.

Oh, my compassion is through the roof many times. Like when I sat in the ER with Aaron for five hours four days before our Houston trip, waiting for him to be admitted to the hospital for seizures the day before and very low sodium. Thankfully, we were sent home when his sodium level increased.

Home, where Aaron had a very long and a very scary seizure that evening.

His seizures, injuries, staples, stitches, missed fun days, so many meds, the look on his face as he held his Subway sandwich on our drive home…so many times my heart just breaks for him.

But then he has those behaviors, rigid routines, expectations of me, nonstop talking at times, anger…

Seizures that keep me home, having to change all my plans…and his. Extra laundry, sadness, worries for now and for the future…

A life unlike most of our peers for me and for Gary. Not able to up and go, to travel at will, to plan for a fun life of retirement trips.

Special needs parents weren’t given our children because WE’RE so special and God knew we could do this. God wants us to see that HE is the special One that we need, and that in no way could we live this life without Him and His grace and His strength. Goodness knows I have none of my own.

Many times, and many days, this life that God has given me can only seem like “servant work.”

But really, there are two kinds of servant work, and it’s my attitude that determines which I will experience each day…each moment.

When I think of how God wants me to serve in every situation, and when I do this servant work with that in mind, my attitude is one of inner joy and peace – even if outwardly things are crazy, and I am frustrated. My goal then isn’t about ME. It’s about Aaron, and to serve him in a way that pleases God.

But when I get in my own way and take my eyes off God…and like Aaron, things aren’t going the way I want…then I sometimes get angry and frustrated. When I do this, all too often, then I’m doing “servant work” in the way Aaron meant. Unpleasant, yucky, unhappy work that makes me bitter.

So, to all of us…and ESPECIALLY to my special needs parent friends…know that God understands. Just talk to Him when you’re exhausted, when you blew it, when you yelled at the child you love so much, when you’re envious of other’s lives, when you’re out of money and patience and even hope – just talk to God, lean on Him, and then know that each day is a new day.

A new day to do servant work, the way God intended. After all, we have the best example in Christ.

“Have this mind in you, which was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a SERVANT, being born in the likeness of men.” (Philippians 2:5-7)

Servant work is God’s work, really. And He’ll give us what we need to do it the right way, every day.

The Skies From My Window

I believe the best lessons are learned when we have some clouds in our lives. Deeper trust and greater joy have been my experience during the stormier times of life.

He Said What?!

Many of you know that I love taking pictures of our pretty Kansas sky. My favorite place to take those pictures is from the window in one of our upstairs bedrooms. This bedroom will always be, to us, Andrea’s room – even though she moved from home several years ago. When I see a particularly pretty sky I will run upstairs, open the window and lift the screen, and fire away with my phone camera.

As I look back on these pictures, I find that no two are the same. Absolutely every shot of our sky, on every day that I took those shots, is entirely different……if there are clouds involved, that is. I don’t usually take pictures of a totally blue sky, though blue skies are nice. But after a while, completely blue skies would be a little boring.

Sometimes the…

View original post 765 more words

Wonderfully Made?

Today is World Autism Day. It’s a day to bring attention around the world to the issue of autism – its causes, its impacts, its uniqueness – and so much more. I can’t speak for others, really, but I certainly can tell you how autism has rocked our world.

I was a young wife but not a mother yet when Gary was in flight school at Fort Rucker, Alabama. He was learning to fly helicopters for the army, and I was learning the bare beginnings of how to be a good military wife. I particularly remember a warm Alabama day when I was outside our house on Sharon Lane, planting Zinnias, and wishing with all my heart that there was a baby – our baby – lying in a little crib inside. I thought that life would be complete if we had a baby.

The army moved us to Fort Carson, Colorado, and in another house we did welcome our little Aaron Daniel. He was perfect and tiny and complete, as was my happy heart. A baby! A son!

Aaron-mothers day 12May1985

I thought often of that stunning verse in Psalm 139:14: “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and I know this very well.”

Fourteen years later, I sat in a pediatric neurologist’s office in Tucson, Arizona. I watched him talk to and examine our son…our Aaron…not so little now, but big and complex and confounding to us. Gone were his sweet small innocent ways. He was instead often angry, agitated, loud, embarrassing, and the center of much unwanted attention.

Gary and I at first thought that our unusual and perturbing Aaron was this way because of the effects of seizures he had endured since the age of seven. Then we wondered if his behaviors were due to side effects from all his seizure drugs. Or puberty, perhaps, added to the mix?

But Dr. Gray turned to me and told me that Aaron had Asperger’s Syndrome. I was blank. I had never heard of this, and I had no idea what he was talking about. Only when he defined this syndrome as a form of autism did I have an idea…a small inkling…of what he meant.

But oh, little did any of us know what this REALLY meant. Not until you travel on this unknown path of autism, with its myriad displays affecting every area of life…ours and Aaron’s…can you understand autism’s daily, minute by minute, impact. Impact on Aaron…on Gary and me…and on Andrea and Andrew.

So, what was I to do now with that powerful, affirming verse from Psalms? You know, the one that so eloquently said that God makes each baby…fearfully and wonderfully designs each one. Really?

I choose. I choose to trust God, totally…or not.

And then, even in my trust, I look up the words I don’t understand. Really.

FEARFULLY: means to reverence – so I know that I am to look on God’s design of Aaron and deeply respect what God has created. I am to be in awe of what God has formed. Of WHO God formed in my womb. And trust me, some days I’m totally in awe of who and what I see in this son of ours…and not always in a good way! And even as Gary and I shake our heads, we do know deep in our hearts that Aaron is exactly who God formed him to be.

WONDERFULLY: (This meaning is the BEST!!) This word means to “put a difference; to distinguish; to show marvelous.”

Aaron NAILS this one, people! Oh my goodness, he is so different than the average bear…and he cares not one bit that he is! He distinguishes himself everywhere we go and in everything we do…and he doesn’t mind one bit that he does! AND…he does show himself…sometimes marvelous and sometimes not, at least in our way of defining “marvelous.”

I decided to use some words to illustrate a little of who Aaron is, showing some recent pictures to boot.

Aaron is BLUNT: NO picture to show here! But earlier today I told him he could go to Dillon’s with me, so from that point he was impatient to leave. He walked in the bathroom, where I was fixing my hair. Wanting to leave NOW, he stared at me for a few seconds and then said, “You could just go to Dillon’s on a bad hair day!” 😊

Aaron is PERSISTENT: Aaron talks and talks and talks and talks. The other evening, he followed Gary to the bathroom, standing outside the door as he continued to talk and talk and talk.

IMG_0437 (2)

Aaron is PRECISE: Look at his notebook in which he logs his times that he goes to bed and the times he wakes up each day.

Aaron is LOVING: He loves to share. If you have junk to get rid of, just let Aaron loose with it, and he’ll give it to anyone that he sees. He’ll also give away things that you prefer to keep. Anyway, he has a big heart. And he especially loves animals!

Aaron is TOUGH: He recently had 8 staples put in his head after a drop seizure on our stairs. Tough hardly describes all he has gone through over the years, physically and in other areas as well. But he was thrilled to get to keep those staples when they were removed…a trophy!!

Aaron is THOROUGH: Here he is yesterday, watching the movie credits with great intensity and delight. After all, movie credits are part of the movie and are to be watched! Totally. To the very, very end.

Aaron is RIGID: We want him to wear a helmet for a couple days when we think his seizure pattern may indicate that he’ll have a dangerous drop seizure. He does NOT want or intend to wear this helmet. His Aunt Sandra struck a bargain with him, saying that she would make and send him a toboggan hat to wear if he would wear his new helmet. So, he wore the helmet for an agonizing maybe three minutes. He DETESTS how it feels!! Tactile issues have never been ones he can overcome, from the time he was a little boy. Here the helmet lays, where it was ungraciously tossed by a very frustrated Aaron.

Aaron is FUNNY: He does make us laugh, some days more than others. He delights in the things that most of us ignore or take for granted…the cows in the field, the horses, things laying on the ground that he finds, funny commercials, store decorations, and on and on.

And I could go on and on about our Aaron. He truly is “fearfully and wonderfully made.”

In many moments, Gary and I don’t grasp that truth. Have no doubt, there are deep tired sighs that you will hear often in our home. We get frustrated, lose our cool, feel guilty, and then repeat the process again.

But also have no doubt that we know…we KNOW…that Aaron has been used by God to make a huge difference in our lives. He has distinguished himself as God has taught us more about Him and about us than we would most likely have learned otherwise. And Aaron has shown us just how marvelous God is in our weakness and in our pain and through our tears.

And God reminds us of how marvelous Aaron is, created with a purpose.

Yes, fearfully and wonderfully made!!

One Thing

I’m sitting here looking at my blank computer screen, wondering how on earth to write this post. I write better when I can be totally up-front and honest about life. But sometimes I can’t be that way because some matters are private, involving issues and people that prevent open sharing.

Was that catchy enough? Do I have your attention now? HaHa!

I really wasn’t trying to reel you in with my first few sentences. I am, like I said, just being honest.

Recently, Gary and I had a “thing” happen. It’s easy to say the typical phrases that we often here, such as what I just said. “Things happen.” Or here’s another one – “Life happens.”

Yet as a follower of Christ, I know better. I don’t get upset when others, or when I, make those statements.

“You know, things just happen,” I have often said.

But again, I know better. I know that God is the One Who is in charge of my life and who allows every single “thing” in my life to happen. In reality, my “things” don’t just happen…they are permitted or ordained by God. I am His child and He is in charge of all aspects of my life.

Most often, when we say that “things” happen, we’re not referring to happy “things.” Usually, we are talking about stressful “things.”

Gary and I have had some recent stress. Don’t we all? We had to make the difficult decision to put our sweet Great Dane, Jackson, to sleep. Not long after that, Aaron had a drop seizure on our stairs and ended up with eight staples in his head. And then this “thing” intruded into our lives. It’s not a happening that occurred, and then is over and done. It’s more like a dark cloud of long-term wrong that will hover over us…well, forever, really.

All these “things”…all this stuff, plus many more daily stresses…can just be overwhelming and exhausting. But two other “things” have taken place as well…in my heart, which is the best place for God to work HIS things.

One “thing” is that my mother’s favorite verse has been rolling around in my head for days now. It’s Psalm 46:10: “Be still, and know that I am God.”

I love, though, the meaning of “be still.” This is how I have been saying this verse recently: “Quit striving, and know that I am God.”

I can’t make “things” not happen. I can’t always change situations. And even if I try, the doors often remain closed. The damage is done.

I have a mental image of being tied up with ropes. Those ropes are the “things” that have or are happening in my life. I twist and turn and pull and flex against those awful ropes, trying to be free. But God wants me to stop that! He wants me to relax and to simply trust Him…to rest, and to know that He is God. And as God, He will handle all my “things.”

All this sounds so good, doesn’t it? So spiritual and so right. But how on earth…really, how on this old sinful stressful earth…do I quit striving?

God gave me a huge part of that answer over the past few days. It’s found in the first few verses of Psalm 27.

David talks about his “things.” He says that evildoers want to devour his flesh. He is surrounded by enemies, adversaries, and whole armies…literally…who want to destroy him. He was living in caves as he tried to survive. His treatment by King Saul was totally unjust and evil.

It’s awful to be hated. It’s awful to be the recipient of unjust treatment. It’s awful to be on the run, either mentally or physically…running from the pain and the wrong and the hurt.

So, in verse 4, David says, “One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek…”

Let me stop to say that I can tell you what my one thing usually is when hard times come, especially injustice. My one thing is to think that if I could only talk to this person or to these people, I’d tell them a thing or two! Or on a nicer slant, my one thing may be to try to have a pleasant, open talk with them. Surely, they will listen! Just give me one chance, Lord, to handle my situation…whatever it is…by doing that one thing that will make ME feel better.

But what was David’s one thing? He asked God to let him behold His beauty in the tabernacle, to meditate and to dwell in the temple.

In other words, David’s one thing was to worship God.

And there is the answer to my question about how to quit striving against my “things.”

Worship.

David’s one thing that he asked of God when he was going through all of his awful “things” was the opportunity to once again worship God in the tabernacle.

“There is only one place where your heart can be healed, restored, satisfied, and protected. It won’t be healed by winning human wars. It won’t be satisfied in human acceptance. It won’t be restored when you have meted out vengeance. It will only be filled, satisfied, and at rest when it is filled with the beauty of the Lord.” (Paul Tripp)

When I focus on God, I am not focusing on my “things.” I am instead aware of God’s greatness in the middle of my “things.” His power is what upholds me. His plan, however vague and unknown it may be to me, is one which I can accept because in God’s beauty I see His love for me. I experience His peace and His grace when my eyes are on Him, and not on my “things.”

We all have those hard “things.” Some of you are enduring much more difficult “things” than mine. May we all learn to worship God even when we are surrounded by our pain and fears and sadness.

Then to rest…quit striving…and let God be God in our lives.

“Quit striving, and KNOW that I am God!”

WP_20180529_20_41_26_Pro

Unto The Least: A Man Named Richard

I remember little old Richard…our small town version, in some ways, of Zaccheaus from the Bible. But our Zaccheaus was stinky and unlovely, though so loved by God. And loved by my parents. Oh, the lessons I learned!

He Said What?!

I remember him so well. Richard……….nondescript, uneducated, stinky, and often unwelcome Richard. Our paths crossed because Richard attended the same church where I grew up and where I worshipped. Our paths also crossed because God ordained it to be so. God ordained it to be so………so that I would learn a lesson. It was a lesson best taught by the method that God loves to use – the weak things of the world confounding the mighty.

Richard was a very short little man. I often think that he was our version of Zaccheaus there in Princeton, West Virginia where I was raised. Richard didn’t have much education and he was also very simple minded. Today I’m sure he would be classified as being developmentally delayed, at the very least. Yet he had served our country in World War 2, returning to Princeton when his time was up. I remember hearing…

View original post 1,636 more words

Salads and Seizures

Aaron walked into the kitchen on Saturday morning a little over two weeks ago – March 2nd, to be precise – and saw that I was boiling some eggs. Ever hopeful that whatever I am cooking will be something he likes and something I am making for him, he stopped and watched for a few seconds.

“Mom, what are you making?” he asked.

I told him that I was making his favorite salad. He stared blankly, as if he was utterly clueless about this favorite salad.

“You know, Aaron,” I continued. “The salad you love so much.”

“The salad with Ranch?” he questioned.

“No,” I told him. “You know, the salad with the eggs on top.”

Still blank.

“And the cheese and the bacon,” I explained.

“Oh yeah!” he finally said.

But he still gave no name to this mystery salad which really is his favorite salad! Aaron has such a hard time with names of people and pets and, amazingly enough, food!

“You call it Egg Salad, Aaron,” I told him. “But the real name is Seven Layer Salad.”

I knew he wouldn’t remember the name, but he knew it for now. It was fun to watch his happy reaction to the thought of this salad for supper…whatever it’s called!

We were looking forward to our day and our weekend. The day before, on Friday, Aaron had two seizures, and so he wasn’t able to go to his day group. He missed movie day, which always makes me sad. Thankfully, though, Aaron loves staying home and showed no regret at all.

On Friday evening, we all went to Wal-Mart to get Aaron’s weekend treats as well as some fun food for the weekend. We were expecting a strong winter storm to hit on Saturday evening and into Sunday, so there was excitement mixed in with our fun. We are snow lovers! I had especially waited until Gary was home from work so he could go with us, just in case Aaron had a seizure in Wal-Mart. We have learned that when Aaron has one or two seizures, he might have a drop seizure. These seizures, drop seizures, are so dangerous and unpredictable. This past year has seen Aaron have some serious injuries from falling. Thankfully, our shopping trip was uneventful and was fun for all of us, Aaron especially.

There were no more seizures during that night. Aaron was happy as could be to think of his free day ahead…the anticipated snow…making chocolate chip cookies with me…steak for supper…AND his special salad!! Whatever it’s called! 😊

Later that morning, before noon, Aaron was downstairs in Gary’s study. Aaron was talking up a storm of his own with Gary, as usual. I was in the kitchen, out of sight of the stairs. Suddenly I heard a terrible crash…and then the noise that I definitely recognized. A seizure!!

Gary was beside Aaron in an instant. As I started down the stairs, Gary told me to get towels. I was panicked and in tears as I ran for towels, hurrying them down to Gary. There was blood all over Gary’s hands. I knew this was serious.

As he started up the stairs, Aaron had fallen backward into a file cabinet, hitting the bottom metal handle with his head and actually bending it. Aaron is usually not conscious for a period of time after a seizure, sleeping soundly, but not on this day. He woke up, maybe because we were holding him and applying pressure to the gash on his head. Or perhaps he awakened because of the pain. He was combative and scared, something we’ve never seen. He was fighting us, trying to get away and go up the stairs as we held him tightly.

Finally, Aaron calmed down. He wanted to know why Gary’s hands were bloody, which of course was scary. We explained what happened and told him we would need to take him to the ER. Soon we were in the van, me sitting in the back with Aaron while Gary drove. Aaron was coherent then. The bleeding had stopped, but not his pain, of course. Yet he was remarkably calm and understanding, a trait he often displays in these frightening times. A gift from God, I’m sure.

I thought of other gifts from God as Gary drove. We talked about how thankful we were that the sun was shining and there was no snow yet. I was VERY thankful that it was a Saturday and Gary was home. And we were thankful still that there is a good hospital and emergency room out here in the country not far from our house.

We continued to be grateful that Aaron was seen immediately and that the CAT Scan showed no damage to his head or neck. Aaron was so compliant during the scan, even though it hurt his head and the bleeding began again, worse than ever.

But oh, how my heart hurt for our son! I couldn’t let him know that. Gary and I stayed strong for Aaron and for each other. I really wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, but God gave so much grace to be fully there for Aaron.

And there was Aaron, fully talking up a storm about nuclear bombs, of all things! Talk, talk, talk he did in his typical Aaron fashion. He knows a captive audience when he sees one, let me tell you!!

God gave special strength to Aaron, especially, as he endured 8 staples being put in his head. I knelt by his side, stroking his arm and face and talking to him during the ordeal. With each staple, he would flinch…eyes closed…and mutter a soft “ow.” I felt like my heart was being pierced each time.

I tell you, our children with medical issues…and I know a lot!…are true heroes. They endure more pain IN their lives, and disruption OF their lives, than I can fathom. And yet they just keep on going. One of our sweetest blessings is that Aaron doesn’t feel sorry for himself or complain about his lot. He LOVES to talk about what happens to anyone who will listen, trust me, and even to perfect strangers…but he doesn’t act like he resents this life that he lives.

However, once in a while, he does give us a glimpse into his heart and his thoughts. He did just that on Sunday as we made his cookies, lots of snow outside our windows, and his head still bandaged.

“Mom?” he began. “Saturday, I thought, would have been a good day, but it wasn’t.”

I really wanted to wrap him in a hug…which he would have promptly pulled away from…and empathize with him about what a bad day it certainly was. But I knew that I needed to point him to a principle that God points ME to, over and over.

Thankfulness.

“I know it was a hard day, Aaron, but it ended good,” I reminded him. “What did you have for supper?”

“We had steak!” he answered with enthusiasm.

“And what else?” I prompted him.

He thought a few seconds. I was hopeful that he just MIGHT remember the name of the salad.

“Triple egg salad!!!” he exclaimed.

Triple Egg Salad??!!

How on earth did Seven Layer Salad become Triple Egg Salad?!

Whatever.

So, for that moment, we were both thankful for Triple Egg Salad!

And in my heart, for so many other blessings as well!

You Are With Me

One of our worst fears was realized on Saturday, March 2. I mean, far worse things could have happened, I know that. Yet it was a very scary day for us.

Aaron started up our stairs from Gary’s study, but had only taken a couple stairs – best we could tell – when he was hit by a drop seizure and fell backward. The crash was startling! Gary was nearby and I was in the kitchen at the top of the stairs. We both immediately knew what had happened as we heard Aaron seizing.

It was a blur of blood, and panic (from me!), and fear and realization that Aaron was hurt. He had hit a file cabinet, actually bending the bottom metal handle…with his head! We got him to our nearby ER as soon as he could walk, which happened fairly quickly. Aaron was coherent and I had finally calmed down, and Gary was his always strong presence – thank God!!

I’ll write more about that day later, but after our pastor’s Sunday morning message yesterday, my mind was drawn back to one of the scenes from that day in the ER with Aaron. Poor Aaron had a huge gash in the back of his head. We knew he would need staples. Thankfully, the CAT scan showed no other head or neck damage. Finally, it was time for the staples to go in.

Aaron had never had staples up to this point. Aaron is one tough young man. He’s endured so much over the years with his seizures. But these staples scared him, for reasons I’m sure all of us can totally understand.

He rolled over on his side, face away from me. So, I went around his bed and I knelt beside him, my face close to his. I held his hand, and I rubbed his arm and face. The first staple penetrated his scalp. Aaron flinched and closed his eyes.

He kept his eyes closed for the rest of the procedure, grimacing with each staple. I so much wished that I could trade places with him!

“What more must he go through?” I thought.

“Ow,” he softly said a few times. But Aaron was calm, strong, and so brave…despite the pain that I’m sure radiated through his head, not only from the staples but from the hard hit.

Later, as Aaron talked to various people and at various times about his experience, I noticed that he talked about me being beside him. Even though his eyes were closed, and he couldn’t see me, he knew that I was there as I talked to him and patted him and assured him that everything would be fine. It meant more to Aaron than I realized.

Pastor Bob’s message yesterday at church was on Psalm 23. We all know this Psalm, including verse 4:

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me…”

As we walk with God, through whatever valley He leads us, He is with us.

As I walk with God, through whatever valley He leads ME, He is with ME.

God is with me.

He is kneeling beside me…He is holding my hand…He is leading me…He is walking beside me.

Whatever my valley. My sadness. My fear. My uncertainty. My questions. My anger.

You. Are. With. Me.

Four simple yet profound words.

I can imagine God stroking my face as my eyes are clinched tight, trying to block out the pain of my situation.

I can see Him holding my hand as He leads me on an unwelcome path.

I can feel His arm around my shoulder as He leans into my world, urging me to lean into Him and His strength.

Even though I can’t physically see Him…even though I can’t actually feel the touch of His hand on mine…and even though I don’t understand at all what He is allowing in my life…this I do know.

You are with me.

And I am not alone.

Image result for god holding me

Plan B

I heard Aaron’s first seizure at 4:00 a.m. night before last. I went in to be with him until it was over, assuring that he was safe. And always, when this happens, my fuzzy sleepy brain tries to remember what plans I had for the upcoming day, and how those plans may need to be re-arranged. Usually one seizure means others will follow, though in recent days that hasn’t been the case. We just never know.

Not long after Gary left for work, I heard Aaron getting out of bed. He came downstairs, eyes very droopy and tired, with his typical post-seizure headache and stomach ache his first concern. I told him that he should go back to bed.

“I can’t,” he replied. “I’ve already put my time in my notebook.”

You see, Aaron keeps a log of the exact times that he goes to bed and the exact times that he gets out of bed. Every. Single. Day.

In his rigid and organized world, he needs a period of time before he will go back to bed. I know not to fight this.

Aaron went about his morning as best he could, with me listening closely for another seizure. His falling seizures sometimes occur after only having one seizure during the night, so I was on full alert.

I was hoping that Aaron could go to his day group. Friday is movie day and he enjoys that. But he didn’t feel like going anywhere, he said, and I could see that he really was struggling. Besides, if he had a seizure while out with his group, that could be very dangerous.

I knew that my day now needed to be changed, my plans shuffled or canceled. Nothing in my day was hard to change, but it was inconvenient…and not only for me, but for my friend whom I was going to see after dropping Aaron off at Paradigm. My day would have been: take Aaron to Paradigm; go to Lolly’s house for a visit; run to Aldi for some groceries before our weekend snow comes; home with groceries; pick Aaron up from the theater; take Aaron to Wal-Mart for his “end-of-week” snacks; zip into Sam’s; and home.

Changing this day was far easier than having to reschedule a doctor appointment, for instance. Yet having to switch from Plan A to Plan B can be irritating and at times difficult. Poor Aaron can’t help any of this. I’ve learned to be flexible. And to be thankful that I don’t have to work, as having a job would be impossible.

As it turned out, Lolly came to my house. She even brought some delicious little Brazilian cheesy bread balls that she learned to make during her years as a missionary with her husband in Brazil. And cake!!! She brought me…oh, and Gary 😊…some cake!!!

I was able to later run Aaron to Burger King for a take-out meal, knowing that if he had a seizure at least he was sitting down in the van. Later, as he napped, he did have a second seizure. I was so thankful that he was in his bed, safe from falling down! And in the evening, we got to make our Wal-Mart trip. Gary went with us so that we could both keep an eye on Aaron. It was fun! And Aaron wanted to make sure that I took a picture of him with this turkey breast that he LOVED for some funny reason!

Not every Plan B in life is fun, though. Many times, our switch from Plan A to Plan B is pretty devastating, and certainly not easy. And as believers, we know that God has a plan and a purpose on this path upon which He places us. Yet He never said that our path will be rosy. Most often, it is not.

God told us to take up our cross and follow Him. He did not say to take up our basket of May flowers and follow Him.

One of the most impacting books I have ever read is The Cup and the Glory, written by Greg Harris. Harris talks about what it means to follow Christ. Drinking the cup of suffering is what brings glory to God and great growth to us as His followers.

In Acts 16, during Paul’s second missionary journey, we see a profound example of God’s perplexing leading in Paul’s travels. Blessings had been abundant to Paul and Timothy. The Greek phrasing in verses 5-8 is so telling. The words “on the one hand” are soon followed by the words “on the other hand.”

On the one hand, churches were growing and being strengthened…but on the other hand, as Paul tried to travel to Asia, he was forbidden by the Holy Spirit to go there. Later, as Paul and Timothy tried to go to Bithynia, they were once again stopped by God. They finally ended up in Troas, where they never intended to go.

That road to Troas led through high mountains and was very difficult. Why did God take Paul away from his intended destination, only to place him in such a strenuous and uncertain place? Why did Paul and Timothy have to walk so long and so wearily through barren land full of dangers, and with no ministry taking place?

But Paul walked. He kept walking in faith and in obedience to God, not understanding the reasons but fully understanding that God knew those reasons, and that was all that mattered.

Harris says, “It’s easy to walk with God when He exhibits the visible hand of His blessing. However, Jesus calls us actively and continually to walk with Him – even when we can sense neither His presence nor His blessing – and not merely when you see Him feed the 5,000.”

Our goal in life should be to keep our eyes on God, not on our destination. We may head one way, a God-honoring way, only to be re-directed by God onto another path. Keeping our eyes on God during those disappointing times is key to experiencing His peace in the middle of our puzzling questions.

Our main goal on our journey is to be God Himself. To know Him, to honor Him, to serve Him…wherever we are…is where we need to be focused. God alone. Through our questions, our tears, our concerns, our anger…God knows, and He cares, and He has a purpose. His purpose is far greater than we will likely ever know on this earth.

Plan A? Not today.

But on the other hand, Plan B!!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Prov. 3:5-6

No More Dog

Yesterday was the day that Gary and I have talked about and dreaded for so long. We had to say that final goodbye to our precious Great Dane, Jackson.

Wichita-20110712-00113

What a beautiful and wonderful dog he was to our entire family!

Wichita-20120114-00064

In 2007, Andrea really, really, really wanted a dog…a BIG dog! Gary and I really, really, really weren’t sure. But finally, we said yes and the rest is history. Jackson was born in May of that year, so he lived a good and long life of nearly 12 years, surpassing the normal life span of a Dane.

977988_472377846170058_1661375408_o (1)

977903_472377092836800_756937793_o

After a few years, Andrea moved to Texas for grad school, and stayed there for career and now marriage. Jackson stayed with us and enjoyed visits over the years from Kyle and Andrea’s doggies.

20130105_165844

IMG_0020 (1)

Aaron loves animals and Jackson was his special friend. Patient, kind Jackson tolerated Aaron’s noises, Aaron’s behaviors that sometimes scared him, and other behaviors that pleased him – like Aaron’s knack for sneaking him table food and doggie treats.

20130902_091050

Jackson also at times showed concern for Aaron’s seizures, such as in this picture shortly after Aaron awoke from a seizure.

WP_20171215_16_15_56_Pro

Many of you have asked how Aaron handled this loss of Jackson. Gary and I talked so much about how to tell Aaron when the time came. For months, Aaron knew that this possibility might become a reality. We talked about it a lot, but when our decision came, and the appointment was made, it was hard to tell Aaron that the “maybe” was now going to happen the next day.

We told him at supper on Monday that on the next day we were having to put Jacks to sleep.

“I don’t want to put him to sleep,” Aaron said. We told him that we agreed but we listed all the reasons it was necessary. Aaron was mostly quiet about it then.

As I tucked Aaron in bed that night, he said again that he didn’t want to get rid of Jackson, as he put it. But Aaron knew it was not going to change, much as we wished it could.

The dread hung over us all day yesterday, like a gloomy cloud. I wondered what Aaron would do when he got home from his day group, knowing that in a short while we would take Jackson to the vet.

“Can I give Jackson some treats?” Aaron asked. So, I told him to go ahead and give him all the rest of the chicken jerky treats in the bag, which were mostly small pieces, but to give them to him slowly. Of course, this happened.

Jackson was thrilled! And so was Aaron, most definitely!

The time came, much as we wished it wouldn’t. Gary and I got Jackson ready to go, making a potty stop in the yard. I ran up to Aaron’s room while Jackson sniffed outside.

“Aaron,” I said. “It’s time to take Jackson. Do you want to say goodbye?”

“No,” Aaron flatly said.

I told him that I understood and said we would see him soon.

Gary sat in the back of the van with Jacks, keeping him from falling as he was so prone to do. I pushed the button to close our garage door and was backing out of the driveway. Just as I got on our road, I looked and saw that our garage door was opening.

“Good grief!” I said. “We don’t have time for this!” I thought our door was malfunctioning.

So, as I pulled back into the driveway, with the garage door opening, I saw legs. And as the door fully opened, there stood Aaron in the middle of the garage…right at the open door…his right hand in the air, waving back and forth.

Bless his heart, he had indeed wanted to say goodbye. I will never forget that image of him standing there waving his hand to his buddy.

I opened the side van door, and Aaron walked outside. He stuck his head in the door.

“Bye, Dad!” he said.

He couldn’t bring himself to say the words to Jackson, but his eyes darted nervously to look at his friend. Then Aaron backed up, eyes still looking at Jackson. And as he started to walk away, he looked back one more time, still with scared eyes focusing on Jacks.

It was incredibly sweet and sad and broke down all my tough reserves as I cried all the way to the vet.

And Jackson, in what seemed like one final way of expressing his opinion of all this, pooped in the van! Served us right…right?!

When we got home and sat down to supper, Aaron did another amazing thing. He didn’t seem to mind at all that we had some tears, and if you know Aaron, you know how shocking that is. Aaron hates for anyone to cry. If I just sniff my nose, he instantly asks if I’m crying. He thinks crying is weird…but in reality, tears make him very uncomfortable and he doesn’t know what to say or do.

Later, after supper, Aaron and I sat down to watch some television. He was snacking on his new bag of Chex Mix. Suddenly, he jumped up and walked to the kitchen, returning with another of his bowls.

“Here, Mom!” he said. “I’m giving you some Chex Mix!” He proceeded to pour me some in the bowl he had gotten and bring it to me with a big smile on his face. And even though I didn’t really want it, I would never have said no after I saw his happy face.

You see, Aaron loves to share with people…most of the time. But sharing his food or his movies or his treasures…whatever he has…is Aaron’s love language.

And it was like he wanted to share a snack with me because I was sad. Kind of like he shared all those jerky treats with Jackson earlier, except I merited a bowl. Then he kept bringing me the bagel chips and the “twirly crackers,” as he calls them, that he doesn’t like…dumping them in my bowl with all the excitement he would have if he was giving me something of huge importance.

But this was of huge importance because it showed me that he cared that I was sad. Empathy doesn’t always come easily to Aaron, but on this night it did. So I ate the crackers that I didn’t really want so much, more for him than for me. Yet it WAS for me, too, because it was like a good medicine for my heart in so many ways.

Aaron, last night, agreed with our sadness and he showed it in the way that Aaron does…not with words or deep conversation…but with his actions. He tolerated our tears, and he shared what was important to him at the moment. I never tasted any better Chex Mix than what I ate last night!

This morning, after Aaron ate his huge pile of scrambled eggs that I made him for breakfast, he put his plate on the kitchen counter. Little pieces of egg were on the plate…little pieces that ordinarily would have gone in Jackson’s food bowl for him to eat, much to Aaron’s great delight.

“I was almost going to go out and put those in Jackson’s bowl,” I said to Aaron. “It’s hard to think that Jackson isn’t here.”

“Yeah,” Aaron replied. “No more dog!”

And he walked off with that, making his chuckling noise that isn’t a laugh. It’s like he’s satisfied with what he’s said…not necessarily happy but satisfied.

That’s the bottom line if I ever heard a bottom line. Just get to the point with Aaron. Say it like it is. Put things into facts, place them in a category, and move on.

But I know he thinks deeply and he feels deeply.

That goodbye wave and my Chex Mix will remind me of that for a long, long time.

20130115_141300

	Patty hesaidwhatks on Clinging
	Patty hesaidwhatks on The Thanks I Get?
	alimw2013 on Clinging
	alimw2013 on The Thanks I Get?
	Patty hesaidwhatks on I Did It My Way