Category: Burdens

A Shining Light Among The Broken

Aaron followed me into the dining room one day.  I wasn’t paying attention to him behind me as I worked on our Christmas village. 

“Mom, look!” Aaron said.

I turned to see him staring intently at our little tree that is full of my Grandma Holly’s handmade ornaments, made with love so many years ago.  This was a pre-lit tree, but as so often happens, those bulbs had long since burned out.  I had replaced them with another strand of lights but left the unlit lights on the tree – hidden, so I thought, by the new lights. 

“This light bulb doesn’t work!” Aaron exclaimed.  And as his eyes roamed over the tree branches, he pointed out other broken small bulbs. 

“Here’s another one!” he said.  “And here…and here…and here,” he continued as he pointed to each one.

 I see brokenness all around me.  I see it as I walk through the stores…as I pick Aaron up from his special need’s day group…as we deliver for Meals on Wheels…in the prayers asked for family and friends…and sitting all around me in church.

And I see brokenness when I look in my mirror.

We all have those hidden struggles and deep pains that keep us awake at night.  

Broken lights.

I think Christmas is the time of year where we see most clearly that there is nothing we can do to manufacture true peace in our souls.

We shop, put up beautiful lights and decorations, bake the best treats, send and receive the cards…

But deep deep down our particular broken areas of hurt and worry remain.  No amount of self-help can take it away.

Yet a light does shine among our broken lights.

WHO we celebrate, or should, is the answer to our broken.

“There was the true Light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man.”  (John 1:9)

“Christmas is a brilliant remembrance of the grace and mercy of God.”  (Albert Mohler)

Our answer is in the Light of the world, Jesus.  

Our broken areas are still there, but the light of Jesus can shine the brightest in our lives if we just let Him do so.  

Our answer is not within us.  It’s outside of us, through Jesus.

God sent Jesus, His Son, to live an unbroken life in this broken world so that we could know God through Him.  

Jesus came TO us so that we could have hope IN us.

We can still point out the broken lights in our lives, but the true Light can shine the brightest if we believe in and receive Jesus, God’s greatest gift to us.

And His light will never be broken.

Uncie Aaron…His Buddy and His Burden

Time waits on no man, Chaucer said.  Time waits on no child, either.  We see this clearly as we watch Ryker growing.  Pictures from a few months ago compared to now show his physical growth.  New words and speaking in sentences show his intellectual growth.  

It brings joy mixed with a dose of sadness as all parents and grandparents know very well.

Ryker and Aaron’s relationship is also growing with time.  We have seen great strides on Aaron’s part in his friendship with his little nephew.  

Sometimes Aaron sees Ryker as his buddy.

Aaron still loves giving Ryker snacks.

Screenshot

He didn’t even mind Ryker taking his favorite chair one day.

They play funny make-believe games.

Wear goofy hats of Aaron’s.

Watch cars zoom down the track.

Do chalk drawings.

Laugh at silly cartoons.

Thoroughly enjoy water balloons.

Blow dandelions.

Play music.

Occasionally share the playset.

Fly a plane.

And one of the best is when they watched our fireworks on the Fourth.

It’s just the cutest thing to see Aaron look at Ryker and say, “Ryker!  Come on!”  Then to see Ryker bolt as fast as he can on his little legs to run with Aaron up the stairs to Aaron’s room where all sorts of fun and unique gadgets await his exploration.  

And snacks that are new to Ryker!  Dots!  Red Hots!  Pistachios! 

And gum!  

So, you can see that we must monitor things closely, sometimes much to Aaron and Ryker’s frustration.

But for all the positive steps forward, Aaron still carries the burden of his autistic way of processing his world and how others impact it.

Aaron sends mixed signals to Ryker.  One minute he might be happily allowing Ryker to play with one of his cool toys and the next he might yell no to Ryker for touching another treasured item.  

Aaron can be hurtful with his words during those times, and inappropriate.  

Therefore, we must also monitor those moments as we try to foresee certain triggers that might upset Aaron.  We’re just never totally in the clear and probably never will be.

Yet, again, the progress Aaron has made truly gives us much for which to thank the Lord.  

The challenges cause us to seek God’s patience and wisdom as well.

Speaking of prayer, this has been one of the sweetest and funniest areas of Uncie Aaron and Ryker’s relationship.  

Aaron has never forgotten a silly prayer that he heard in an old Don Knott’s movie when he was a child.  He sometimes yells it out when we get ready to ask the blessing before eating.

“Rub-a-dub-dub!!  Thanks for the grub!!” 

No amount of correction on our part has kept Aaron from blurting that out sometimes.  So, you guessed it.  One day as we all sat at the table and joined hands, Aaron gleefully yelled, “Rub-a-dub-dub!”

And Ryker, without missing a beat, chirped “Rub-a-dub-dub!!”

Let’s close our eyes to pray now…and let the adults grin real big!

Every night as part of Aaron’s bedtime routine, we join hands and pray.  Ryker has joined us before.  One night I asked Ryker if he wanted to pray with us, so he scurried up on the bed, took our hands, and immediately launched into his own prayer.  We didn’t understand much of what he said, but it was precious in God’s eyes, I know, and certainly in ours.  

Andrea shared with us Ryker’s prayer one night at their house.  I had come over to help with the baby.  Laying in his bed before he went to sleep, Ryker prayed:

“Dear Jesus, dank you Gramoo.  Dank you Uncie Aaron.  Dank you donuts.”

Out of the mouths of babes.

Dear Jesus, dank you Uncie Aaron.  Even in the frustrations…the continual training that sometimes never seems to take hold…the corrections…the monitoring…

May we see the joy he also brings…the laughter…the delight at the simplest things that we often overlook.

And the huge progress he’s made in his role as Uncie Aaron.

Let’s not forget donuts!

Rub-a-dub-dub!!

Lessons From the Icicles

 

It’s been another very mild and very dry winter here in Kansas.  It’s felt and even looked more like spring than winter this year.  While it’s been nice not to find ourselves maneuvering over slick roads, we do need some moisture.  And boy, did we get it!  A huge storm plowed into Kansas this week, leaving us in our part of the state with at least 14 inches of beautiful snow.  We woke up to a world of glimmer as the sun shone brightly on the newly fallen snow.  The ground is encased in a sparkly white wrap, fresh and mostly untouched in our big back yard. 
 
I also noticed another result of our massive snow storm as I looked out of our upstairs windows.  There hang long rows of icicles.  They have their own unique beauty, all clear and shiny like hanging crystals.  No two seem to be the same shape as the once dripping water has frozen into various forms and sizes.  Icicles are fascinating to observe and can be very pretty when the sun is shining on them, causing them to gleam in the light.  But icicles also have another aspect.  They can be sharp and dangerous as well. 
  
This morning I saw that the icicles hanging on the front of our house were starting to drip.  They were melting because they were facing east, where the morning sun was beating down upon them.  There was not a cloud in the sky and even though the temperature was cold, the warmth of the sun was still able to reach into their icy coverings and begin the melting process. 
Soon I walked into another bedroom on the west side of our house, where the sun was not yet reaching.  There hung another long row of icicles, still firm and cold in the shadow of the morning.  The sun had not yet touched these frozen fingers of ice, so they were still solid and stiff.  They didn’t really even appear as shiny and beautiful as the icicles that were being touched by the sun.  These hanging jabs of ice seemed colder, even more harsh, than the icicles in the front that were warming in the sun.
 
These icicles reminded me of some of the lingering results of personal storms in my  life…….especially times that have involved the hurt inflicted by others.  I imagine that you have had those hurts as well.  We all experience that pain at some point in our lives.  If we’re not careful, those wounds can develop into icy slivers of bitterness in our hearts.  Where there was once the flowing warmth of relationship there is now the frozen stab of disappointment that has pierced our heart.  Sometimes the situation is private and no one knows about it but us.  Other times the hurt is very public and embarrassing, misunderstood and whispered about by others.  The results are the same, though.  The pain created by these wounds is still very intense regardless of how they occur.
 
Solomon wrote about these matters.  In Proverbs 14:10 he said, “The heart knows its own bitterness…..”  No one but us knows what is in our hearts.  We may appear to be fine and normal to others, but those icy shards of bitterness have frozen our hearts.  We dwell on the situation and rehash the hurtful words and scenarios over and over again.  Our heart knows its bitterness, so very well, and we become numb in our pain……….and numb to the other Person who also knows what is in our heart.  God knows…..and He does care very much about that chill that has encased us and frozen us. 
 
In Ephesians 4:31-32, there are several sins that God tells us to put away.  The first one listed is bitterness.  Then God says to “……be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other…..”  So how can I be kind and tender and forgiving to those that have hurt me so deeply?  How can my heart be warmed again when it is so frozen with injustice and pain?   Well, it’s not easy, but God tells us here that the first way to start is to remember that we are to forgive “……..just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”     How can I be unforgiving when I have been SO forgiven by God?  I am forgiven……..and I must be forgiving to others. 
 
When I take this first step and realize my position in Christ, then His light will begin to thaw that immobile, cold heart of mine.  Forgiveness here carries the idea of releasing.  I need to constantly release to God the people and the situations that have so chilled my heart.  Let Him bear my pain and let Him warm my cold heart.  And if those people are still present in my life, then I am to show kindness and tenderness.  Look for ways to serve, to be kind, and to be tender hearted……..not hard hearted with a frozen heart but to be tender and loving.  It’s not easy, but God will enable and give grace to do what is the most difficult. 
 
Soon l will hear a dripping noise and realize that my once solid, icy heart is thawing out under the warmth of God’s love and His enabling.  He won’t force me to allow His light to shine in my inner being, but if I open that door and allow Him in, then the melting will begin.  Slowly but surely the damaging icicles will dissolve as I focus, not on the other person or on the pain that they have caused, but as I focus on the light of God’s forgiveness and love in my once cold heart.

 

 
Shine Your light in my heart, O God, and let the melting begin!

My Cross As A Crutch

Yesterday evening I was feeling particularly burdened over several things.  I felt the weight of the loads of life more than usual.

Harsh angry words from Aaron earlier in the day still reverberated in my mind.  Even worse were my own angry words thrown out to him in response.  

Then heavy on my heart was my conversation with the husband of my dear friend of many years.  Her disease is ravaging her mind, and my mind can’t wrap around the reality of that.  Emotions that I have kept in check spilled from my eyes.

I took my old Streams in the Desert devotional book and sat on the patio, soaking in the fresh air and the beginning of dusk.  I turned to the day’s date and saw this verse:  “Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.”  (Mark 8:34)

I began to read the words of Alexander Smellie, a Scottish preacher who died 100 years ago.  

“The cross which my Lord bids me take up and carry may assume different shapes.  There are many crosses, and every one of them is sore and heavy.  But never is Jesus so near me as when I lift my cross, and lay it submissively on my shoulder, and give it the welcome of a patient and unmurmuring spirit.  He draws close, to ripen my wisdom, to deepen my peace, to increase my courage, to augment my power to be of use to others, through the very experience which is so grievous and distressing, and then…I grow under the load.”

Then the author added this:

“Use your cross as a crutch to help you on, and not as a stumbling block to cast you down.”

I know there are several meanings that carrying our cross conveys, yet all of them indicate a difficult load in life.  Every person I know is carrying a burden today, some more than others.

But Jesus also promised that if we come to Him with our burdens, He will give us rest:  “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:30)

The word “easy” means “tailor made.”  God knows exactly what is best for me, for my dear friends, for you.  He is not cruel.  Read again what the old Scottish preacher said.  

God is near in our burdens, giving us wisdom and filling us with purpose and peace we can learn no other way.

Oh, may I…may you…use our crosses as a crutch to help us walk through this life in a way that honors our Heavenly Father and grows us more like Him.

Remain With God

I’m sitting here tonight at my desk, feeling the weight of hurt that someone I love is enduring.  Yet knowing, too, that God is at work answering prayers that have been prayed for years. 

Sometimes God’s answers come with pain.  

Praying with that knowledge is an act of sacrifice.

I don’t like pain and hurt, and I especially don’t like to see those I love in that condition.

A few weeks ago, I drove to see a sweet friend for the day.  I shot this quick picture while I headed down the road.  

That cloud was both beautiful and intimidating.  Would it just stay a gorgeous cloud, or would it turn into a storm?  On I went on the road I needed to take.  Turns out there was a little thunder later but mostly I enjoyed a very pretty sky that God gave.

About this same time, I read I Corinthians 7.  Paul was encouraging people of various situations in life…wives, Jews, Gentiles, slaves.  He ended the section with these words:

“Brethren, each one is to remain with God in that condition in which he was called.”   (I Cor. 7:24)

Three words jumped out at me.  

Remain with God.

Whatever the condition to which we are called, we are to remain with God.

Sometimes…very often, actually…life’s situations to which God calls us are just plain hard.

Cancer.  Oh, the dear friends I have who are battling cancer.

Dementia.  Loss of a loved one.  Or caring for a loved one with a serious illness.

Parenting special needs of any age.

And this world.  This sad, scary, upended world.

But through it all, we are to remain with God.  

Like that road I was driving, straight with a curve up ahead and a big uncertain cloud, but on which I knew I must remain until I reached my destination.

Remain with God through the tears, the fears, the pain, the pressures.

Don’t give up on God.  Listen to what else Paul said about his own thorn in the flesh that God allowed him to have.

“And He has said to me, My grace is sufficient for you; for My power is made perfect in weakness.”   (II Cor. 12:9)

If I don’t remain with God, then I will not be able to partake of His amazing and sufficient grace, or to experience His awesome power in my life. 

Being under the hand of my loving Father is where I need to remain, regardless of the circumstances in which I find myself…or in which I find those that I love.

Remain with God.

There is no better place to be.

The Bitter Root

Several years ago, I had an experience with a small weed in one of my front yard flower beds. 

 I had become so busy with my other gardening that I had put off the task of pulling that little weed.  It didn’t seem like such a big deal. The outward growth, though, hid what was happening under the ground, out of sight.

 Here is what I wrote:

One hot day as I worked among my flowers, I looked down and saw that this little weed had grown significantly. Still, it wasn’t huge but it sure was larger than I had noticed before. Silly me, I thought. Why have I been waiting to pull this once-little weed? I just need to get rid of it now, I reasoned. I reached down and gave the weed a pull, and nothing happened. I pulled a bit harder, and still the weed didn’t budge. I gripped harder on the small growth, gave a firmer yank, and still it sat firm in its place in the dirt. This small, harmless weed was certainly being stubborn! It wasn’t letting go of its foothold very easily at all! I was so deceived by the small growth that I could see that I was in turn shocked by its apparently deep growth in the soil. I once again got a firmer hold, jiggled the weed back and forth, pulled with all my might and finally out came the root. What a surprise! The root was very long – much longer in proportion to the rest of the plant. While I had procrastinated about getting rid of the little weed or argued with myself about how harmless the little weed was, this small weed was growing a deep root system that could have damaged or killed my pretty Coreopsis. There was no excuse for my neglect – a wise gardener knows better.

Sometimes I let attitudes fester in my heart…attitudes that are, quite frankly, sin.  It’s easy to say, “Well, now, you have every right to feel that way.  Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

And every time I give myself that little pep talk, I am letting that root grow deeper and deeper in my life until it’s not so little anymore.

I have been keenly aware of this fact as Gary and I care for Aaron.  Usually after a stressful period, often involving Aaron’s anger, we find ourselves talking together as we try to understand him and handle his issues in the right way.  So often, solutions are hard to come by.  The effects of living long-term with him spill over into every area of our lives.  We go back 17 years to the time we were making decisions about his future.  

Did we make the right choices?  We were headed in one direction and the doors closed.  Or did they?  

I am constantly reminding myself that all those years ago we were seeking God’s will and we were desiring to walk in that path of God’s choosing for us and for Aaron.  I must consciously trust God today with our past decisions…decisions that touch us in ways today that we never dreamed.

The impact of having Aaron with us now affects our “golden years” in so many unforeseen ways.  We know that future decisions will be upon us some day, but there is a bigger issue for me right now.

That issue is bitterness.  How easy it is to find ourselves saying, “If it wasn’t for Aaron, we could do this or that, go here or there, etc., etc., etc.”  

And soon my eyes are on the hindrances of life with Aaron rather than the joy of being in God’s will…of doing His work within the walls of our home…of loving Aaron and caring for him.

We are physical creatures.  We get tired.  We get discouraged.  

And sadly, we compare ourselves to others in those vulnerable moments when we’re scrolling through social media or having conversations.

Before I know it, the bitter root is taking deeper root in my heart.  And while I understand that my feelings are normal, I also know that I cannot let myself perch there.  

I must not settle for a life of bitterness.

These verses spoke to me so deeply this morning:

“O Lord, lead me in Your righteousness because of my foes; make Your way straight before me.”   (Psalm 5:8)

My foes…my enemies…are those attitudes within me that contradict what God says is right.  A big one is this issue of bitterness over the result of God’s past leading.  

We trusted Him then to put us on the right path, and so we can trust Him now to provide all we need to face the results of walking on that path.

I need God’s leading and His righteousness to overcome that bitter root that seeks to take hold.  Here is the result of trusting Him:

“Let all who take refuge in You be glad; let them ever sing for joy; and may You shelter them, that those who love Your name may exult in You.”  (Psalm 5:11)

Paul told the believers in Ephesus that through the power of the Holy Spirit, they could be rooted and grounded in love.  

Not rooted in bitterness but rooted in love…the love of Christ seen in their lives.

I must stop and check where I am allowing my roots to grow.  We all do, right?  We have so many hurts in life…so many stresses that pile up around us.  

O Lord, lead me in Your righteousness.  Do not allow me to lead myself into bitterness.  

I love this old hymn.  The lyrics speak well to each of us, wherever we are in our life of following Christ.

He leadeth me, O blessed thought!
O words with heav’nly comfort fraught!
Whate’er I do, where’er I be
Still ’tis God’s hand that leadeth me. 

Refrain:
He leadeth me, He leadeth me,
By His own hand He leadeth me;
His faithful foll’wer I would be,
For by His hand He leadeth me. 

Sometimes ’mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden’s bowers bloom,
By waters still, o’er troubled sea,
Still ’tis His hand that leadeth me. 

Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since ’tis my God that leadeth me. 

And when my task on earth is done,
When by Thy grace the vict’ry’s won,
E’en death’s cold wave I will not flee,
Since God through Jordan leadeth me. 

(Joseph H. Gilmore)

Complaining in the Rain

It’s been terribly dry here in Kansas for way too long.  The wells out in our “used-to-be-country” neighborhood are running very low.  Some have dried up.  Some of the ponds used for cattle are just puddles now.  And the wheat crop is predicted to be the poorest in 60 years.

Therefore, I was happy to hear a low rumble of thunder early this morning.  As I sat on our patio and finished my quiet time, the sky began to darken.  I was very thankful for the rain that began to fall.  It was a gift from God!

Aaron was out of bed not long after and he sat with me to enjoy the rain as well.  Soon we were both ready to head out the door for our Meals on Wheels delivery.  The once gentle rain was now a downpour.

“Well,” I told Aaron, “we really need this rain so I’m not going to complain about it.”

We picked up our meals, loading them into the van as the rain came down and our clothes began to get wet.  At our first house, I opened the side van door and bagged the food.  Rain was a cold presence on the back of my shirt as I tried to lean in the van.  Aaron had already run to the client’s door, so I juggled the bag of food and my large umbrella, getting even wetter.

We chatted a minute with our friend, Aaron crunched in the corner of the small porch under a tiny awning and me under the umbrella.  Rain washed over us again as we got in the van, feet now soaked from the standing water.

As we backed out of the driveway, I happily made a little rhyme.

“Oh, the rain is a pain but I’m not going to complain!” I sang to Aaron.

Amazingly, he tolerated my silliness and off we went to the next house.  More rain, this time with some mud from the unpaved road as well as huge drops of water landing on us under the very low hanging branches at her uncovered door…branches that caught my umbrella and made it useless.

“This is great!” I exclaimed as we handed her the food.  “We do need the rain!  See you next week!”

By the fifth house, the rain was coming down even harder.  We ran up the wheelchair ramp, where our client was already at her door.  She was taking the dog bones that Aaron handed her for her two dogs.  I handed her the rather soggy bag of food and asked her how she was doing.

“I’m doing just fine,” she said, her face glowing with peace as she sat there in her wheelchair.  

She looked then at Aaron.

“Thank you so much for the dog bones,” she told him.  “My dogs love you for that.”

Aaron beamed.  Then she handed him one of the bones so that he could give it to her rambunctious dog himself.   She smiled as much as Aaron as he so excitedly watched the dog eat his bone.  

“Thank you and God bless you,” she said as we turned to leave.  I noticed how pretty she looked…how content despite her situation.  

At the next house we got to see our friend who had a serious fall a couple months ago.  She has been in the hospital and in rehab, and today was the first time we have been able to see her since her accident.  

Her smile was huge as she greeted us.  I wanted to talk about how she is doing but she wanted to focus on Aaron, hearing all about his recent seizure fall.  I finally managed to ask about how she’s doing, and she too said that she was getting along fine as she downplayed all that she has been through.  She is a sweet believer, and her joy is evident.

My joy was getting harder to muster as we went once more out into the rain.

“Whew!” I said, “I’m getting tired of this rain.”

“But I’m glad we’re getting the rain,” I quickly added as I remembered my earlier determination to be thankful.

My heart felt that little pinch of the Holy Spirit reminding me of just how much this morning is a picture of my life.

Oh, it’s easy to be all spiritual and thankful while I’m sitting on the patio, protected from the rains of life.  I can be an observer and have all the answers with all the right verses and attitudes as long as I’m not actually getting wet.

But let me step out into the storm and see what happens.  Getting wet and cold and muddy can quickly begin to take a toll on my patio attitude.  Soon I’m not so thankful for the rain that I had earlier said I needed.

The splashing of life’s trials has a way of diminishing my once-strong faith.

I feel cold.  Tired. 

And the path can make my feet muddy.  

Misery sets in, no matter how much I said I needed this weather sent from God.

No matter how much I quote Romans 8:28.

And while I may not be actively shaking my fist at God, I find that the flame of faith and joy in my heart is flickering in the rain.

It’s difficult to stay strong and positive in the downpours, especially prolonged storms that have no foreseen solution or resolve.

Honestly, I have been struggling some with Aaron issues over the past few months. Feeling discouraged more than I should.

“Lord!  I know I said that I need whatever you send, and that I can trust you.  But I’m getting tired and wet and muddy and uncomfortable!”

Yet the Lord, in His patience, used my experience this morning to prod my heart.  

And He used the most surprising people to touch my soggy spirit…people who have every reason to be extremely tired of the rains in their lives.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! 

 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men.  The Lord is near.  

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-7

Grit And Glory

I hopped out of my van as I ran some errands a few days ago.  Well, hopped may be a stretch.  More like I stepped out of my van, in all honesty.

I had noticed this beautiful sky and being as I love taking sky pictures, I paused to snap a quick shot. 

I knew, though, that it probably wouldn’t be the best view because of the surroundings. 

“Nah,” I thought as I looked at the picture on my phone.  “It’s too cluttered with ugliness.”

I almost deleted it then and there but decided to look at it later and decide.

As I thought about that picture, and as I looked at it on my computer, the view reminded me of some things.

Those “not-so-pretty” poles and buildings and store sign are a lot like our lives.  I can say “our” because we all know that every person on the planet has a life that gets cluttered with “stuff.”

We wish our view could be like this picture that I took this week as well.

How gorgeous!  How impressive! 

But life isn’t picture perfect for any of us.  Life is full of grit.

Some of the hardships we handle are private.  We don’t want anyone to know about them, either because of pride or because we don’t want to bother others with our “stuff.”

Other areas of life are there for all to see.  We might try to hide our issues, or not talk about them, or hope that they’re not obvious.  But at times the junk is out there and noticeable and we are humiliated.

Whatever is going on in our lives, though, that messes up the beauty doesn’t need to consume our vision.

It is up to me to choose my focus.

And so it is with our lives.  On what am I focusing?

Better yet, on WHOM am I focusing?

            “For my eyes are toward You, O God, the Lord;

            In You I take refuge…”   (Psalm 141:8)

Oh, may we all learn to shift our eyes from our problems, our pain, our hurts, our struggles…and instead focus toward God, our refuge.

God’s character never changes even as our situations do.  His beauty is still there.

Turn from our grit to His glory.

            “My eyes are continually toward the Lord…”   (Psalm 25:15)

The Sudden Dark Clouds

The other morning, I looked out my favorite upstairs window and saw this very pretty sky.  The puffy clouds and the sunshine reminded me of summer.

Not long after, however, I noticed from another room that it seemed darker outside.  I went back to the window and was shocked at what I saw.

Whoa!  In such a short time the scene had totally changed.  We went from bright and happy to dark and foreboding very quickly as a cold front began blowing in.

I have had those sudden dark times in my life. 

That Sunday years ago when our normal day turned into terror as Aaron lay on our kitchen floor, seizing violently.  The blur of a frantic call to the medical clinic…the ambulance…the German children’s hospital.  The stabs of deep fear mixed with the frustration of the language barrier and the culture that was in many ways unfamiliar. 

We went from worshipping God at church that morning to being blind-sided by a situation that we were totally unprepared for.

But let me tell you that Psalm 18:28 is true!

            “The Lord my God illumines my darkness.”

He was there with us in that foreign hospital room, during all the tests, and the diagnosis…and He has not stopped walking with us on this road of special needs.

My prayer list keeps getting longer with names of so many who are hurting and struggling through various sudden changes.

Gary’s cousin, now a much-too-young widower whose precious wife collapsed and was gone.

A friend’s daughter…a young wife and mother…fighting cancer.

A cousin and a friend recently widowed.

Jobs ended.

Marriages over.

Cancer returning.

Listen to what else David says in Psalm 27:1:

            “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?”

God brightens the unknown!

His light shines brightest in the dark.

His character positively glows in our deepest hurts and with our tear-stained cheeks.

And we have no reason to fear because He is fighting for us.  Psalm 27:1 continues:

            “The Lord is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread?”

I love the song, Blessings, by Laura Story.  Read the lyrics:

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand

To ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we’d have faith to believe.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?

I saw this beautiful scene a short time later, after the scary dark clouds had gone away, and I was reminded that God is still our light and our salvation.

Don’t fear, dear ones.  God is still there in the clouds, and He WILL illumine your darkness with His sweet presence.

Choosing to See

I was sitting on our couch near our Christmas tree a few days before our kids were going to arrive when I suddenly saw that one strand of the lights had gone out. 

“Oh bother!” I thought as I got up to look closer.  “How does that even happen?”

I decided to just let it go.  It was so close to Christmas and the last thing I wanted to do was remove that string of lights and try to place a new one amid all the other decorations. 

Yet every time I walked into the living room, where the tree prominently stood, this is what I saw.

I saw the missing lights.  I saw the dark space. 

This is what I wanted to see. 

But no, my eyes were inevitably drawn to the area where the lights were missing.  Every.  Time.

Things with Aaron have been a little tough lately.  Actually, a lot tough.

Aaron has shown more than his average share of anger.  He can put a whole new spin on the concept of being angry. 

Many of his seizure meds list anger and other behaviors as possible side effects.  One of those med dosages was recently increased.  So, there’s that.

Then there is his autism, with or without the interference of his medicines.  His structured life was becoming more unstructured as the holidays loomed on his horizon. 

And years of seizures have done untold damage to his brain and to his ability to function in our world.

Gary and I know all this but living with his outbursts of anger is at times more than difficult.  His shattered supper plate full of lasagna, or the hole in his wall, are just two examples that can attest to the stress we have been under.

This morning, as I am slowly finishing my study of the book of Deuteronomy, I was reading Moses’ blessing to the tribe of Joseph in chapter 33.  God promised, through Moses, to give the people of Joseph “choice things…best things.”  The Hebrew word here means things of highest quality.

Then in verse 16, God said, “…and the favor of Him who dwelt in the bush.”

Remember Moses and the burning bush in Exodus 3?  God spoke to Moses in the bush that was burning…the bush that had attracted the attention of Moses as he shepherded his father-in-law’s sheep in the desert wilderness. 

There was God, burning bright in that bush, and telling Moses that this was holy ground.  Telling Moses that He had seen the affliction of Israel, and of His plan to use Moses to rescue the people out of Egypt.

But what impressed me about all of this was the fact that Moses was in a wilderness place, a place of severe hardship, when God spoke to him out of the bright burning bush. 

Moses had been banished from all he knew in Egypt.  He was running for his life when he ended up in the desolate wilderness.  Now he was a lowly shepherd of sheep that weren’t even his.

How easy it would have been for Moses to look at all the darkness in his life…to have his eyes drawn away from God’s glory in the burning bush to focus once again on his dismal circumstances. 

But God, despite the early reluctance of Moses, promised to go with and before and all around Moses.  He urged Moses to look at His glory, the glory that shone in the burning bush, and not at his dark and scary surroundings. 

It’s tough to live with and care for a child with special needs of any kind.  To live with Aaron, a very verbal adult, when he is angry is exhausting at times.  It’s not something I like to display or talk a lot about, but this part of Aaron is a very real part of our lives. 

I think many of us have those areas of our lives that we want to keep more or less hidden.  I’m very thankful for family and friends that I can confide in…those that I know pray for us.  There are ways that I know I need to be more open.  Maybe that will give others the courage to do the same.

Life is just hard right now on so many levels for all of us.  Satan really wants to discourage and defeat us in whatever way he can. 

But I want to look at this life we live and see God’s glory, His hand, His light over every bit of it.  I don’t want to focus on that dark part. 

I want to live under the knowledge that as God’s child, I am living in “the favor of Him who dwelt in the bush.”

THAT God of Moses is also MY God.

I can focus on His promises to me, and even in the darker times I can make the choice to see His light…the light that shines brighter than my dark.