Patty hesaidwhatks

The Rat

It all started one recent night when our almost-broken DVD player became the totally-broken DVD player. Aaron and I were watching the next Blue Bloods show that was in Aaron’s rigid schedule for the evening. Aaron kindly paused the program while I went into the kitchen. Something about that pause became the something that pushed our ailing DVD player into its grave. Even Gary, our go-to he-can-fix-everything guy, came but could not fix. And as I watched Aaron’s frustrated reaction, I rightly guessed that he would also be very difficult to fix that night.

I was very correct on that one.

There are times when Aaron handles life’s interruptions of his routine with amazing calm and grace. That night was not one of those times.

I didn’t help, either. When Aaron became more belligerent, I became more frustrated. I don’t do end-of-the-day meltdowns very well, especially as I get older. I finally told Aaron not to be a bully. But I didn’t end there. I also told him not to be a bully brat. I thought it had a nice ring to it, you know.

Aaron did not think it had a nice anything.

Now we not only had to go to bed without finishing our Blue Bloods show, and knowing that the DVD player was dead, but we also had to walk up our stairs for our goodnight routine harboring anger. I could have made amends and gone right to bed with no problem.

Aaron could not.

And so began an age-old bedtime dance that we hadn’t done together in a long time. It basically consisted of Aaron refusing to do what is normally done and insisting on doing what is unacceptable.

His angry comments included:

“I am NOT helping put the oil in the diffuser!”

“I am NOT taking my medicine oil!”

“I am NOT saying goodnight to you!”

“I am NOT going to bed!”

“I am NOT letting you kiss me goodnight!”

“I am NOT a bully brat!”

I stayed as calm and flat as I could be in my reactions as I went about my own bedtime routine. Aaron continued his fuming by going into his room and closing his door, only to open it seconds later. He would stomp up the hall and come into my room, hurling another angry comment at me. One time he closed his door normally, but immediately reopened it so that he could slam it shut the second time. I had to smile at that one.

But I wasn’t smiling at any of the rest, for sure. I was sorry it had come to this…I was very tired…and I was totally aware that Aaron’s outrage could continue for some time. Therefore, I just went to bed, pulling my covers up and acting as if everything was normal. Gary had not come upstairs yet, so I left my door open.

Sure enough, Aaron clomped up the hall again and came into my bedroom. He didn’t even seem to blink as he saw me in bed and so changed his direction, standing on Gary’s side of the bed. He glared down at me under the covers and continued his verbal barrage. Then he was off, slamming his bedroom door before soon reopening it, and repeating the same action again and again. In my bedroom, hovering over the bed as he angrily talked, and off again. I don’t even know how many times this occurred.

Then all of a sudden, the next time Aaron hurried to my room to glower at me, he didn’t. He didn’t hover and glower, but instead he sat on the bed beside me. He started rubbing his hands together and then he said, “Mom, do you know what Nanomites are?”

Really. Nanomites.

And just as seriously as I possibly could, with no hint of surprise or laughter or tiredness, I told him that I did not know what Nanomites are. There we were, in the dim light, talking ever so diligently about Nanomites. We didn’t talk about our anger…our hurt…our frustration with each other…our disappointment in the dead DVD player…or our needed apologies. We talked about Nanomites.

And all was well.

Aaron went back to his bedroom. I stayed in bed, waiting. Soon he was headed back up the hall, but this time he came around to my side of the bed.

“Here Mom,” he said. “I want you to have this.”

A couple days earlier, I had taken Aaron to Dollar Tree. You would have thought I had let him enter heaven for a few minutes. He bounced from aisle to aisle, SO excited by his many finds, but definitely the MOST excited by this big, plastic, long-tailed, red-eyed rat!

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I rolled over in bed that night, and there on my night stand was that long-tailed, red-eyed rat. I knew as sure as ever, then, that things were right with me and Aaron. He had given me what at that moment was most precious to him…his black, plastic rat.

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He laughed and bent over as he rubbed his hands together…a sign of his pure joy. And I thanked him. I thanked him as sincerely as if he had placed a huge vase of roses on my night stand.

Aaron wanted me to come and say goodnight in the way we always do, so I did. Then as I was in my bathroom right after that, I heard Aaron once again walk up the hall. He knocked on the bathroom door, and when I answered he said, “Mom, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too, Aaron,” I replied. “I love you.”

“I love you,” he mumbled as he hurried off and back to bed.

I kept that ugly plastic rat on my night stand for a couple days. It reminded me of so much. It was an unusual picture of my relationship not only with Aaron, but also with God.

How many times have I been angry with God over a problem or a situation in my life? Maybe not even full-blown anger but frustrated and not trusting Him totally. How many times have I held onto hurt, or worry, or fear, or whatever else it may be that I want to harbor close to me. Things or people or events that I don’t want to relinquish to God?

All the going back and forth with God doesn’t accomplish a single thing. It’s only when I yield to Him and to His control in my life, tell Him I’m sorry if I need to do so, and then give Him my thing that to me is precious…that I want to keep and coddle…only then will I have true peace. Also, only then will I have open communication and sweet fellowship with God again. Only then will I see what’s on the new path upon which He has set my feet.

Who knew what that silly red-eyed black plastic rat would teach me?

Leave it to Aaron…and to God…to take the bad times and make them full of good.

Parts and Pieces

I walked out into the garage the other day and this caught my eye.

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What is this? It certainly looks like a small trash can that contains little pieces of paper. It is that, but it is also much more. So much more, at least to me.

You see, this trash can holds the small pieces of paper that are left when Aaron cuts out a coupon for me. Aaron cuts out the Sunday coupons every Sunday, rain or shine, do or die. He has quite the coupon cutting routine going on as he positions everything just right. His pillow on which he sits, his coffee beside him, a particular pair of scissors that are used ONLY for coupons, the coupon box…it’s all placed just so-so before the cutting process even starts.

Then he methodically cuts each coupon on the dotted lines (more or less), and if there is final perfecting needing to be done…if the dotted line cutting isn’t quite accurate enough…then he will continue to cut around the coupon that he is holding until it is just right. Thus he has small strips of paper that fall to the floor in front of him.

These strips of paper cannot just be scooped up and thrown away. No, no!! He carefully takes each thin strip of paper and cuts it into even smaller pieces as he holds it over his little trash can. For weeks and weeks, these paper strips pile up inside his green trash can until finally, someday…when the can is very full…Aaron, and only Aaron, will decide to throw them away and start all over.

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When I glanced at the familiar trash can that day, seeing all the colors and sizes of papers inside, I immediately thought that this is such a true picture of Aaron himself. There are so many parts and pieces of Aaron, just as all of us have parts and pieces, but Aaron’s are truly unique because of his autism. Looking at all the pieces of what makes Aaron…Aaron…gives much understanding of what makes him tick. Maybe it will also give all of us some needed understanding of so many others who are one-of-a-kind special people, yet similar in many ways as well.

Let me give you some examples of our Aaron’s parts and pieces.

I’ll start with coupons. Sometimes I will put a Dillon’s coupon in the red coupon box. If I haven’t had time to sort the coupons by the following Sunday, this is where I will find the Dillon’s coupon.

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It’s under the bench beside him. This is because Dillon’s coupons are odd to Aaron and don’t belong with regular coupons.

This way of thinking is also why I found these a few days ago.

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These are Skittles, but not just any Skittles. They are misshapen in some way, so Aaron won’t eat them. To the side they go, to be later thrown away.

This same Aaron principle is why I sometimes find pieces of food on a napkin, set aside by Aaron to be thrown away instead of eaten. Usually this part of his food is shunned because it’s too crisp. He can’t just push it aside on his plate. It must be completely removed from the plate.

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Aaron must nearly always have a spoon and fork when he eats, even if he’s eating a finger food that requires neither. And multiple napkins, for sure!

Aaron always, always has a salad when we eat in a restaurant. Often the salad is served on a plate, which he never minds at all. But here at home, salad must be in a bowl. One night I suggested that he eat his salad on a plate, to make it easier. He stood by the table, staring at the offending plate, and then told us that he just wouldn’t eat salad that night. He wasn’t angry…just very matter of fact. So I got out his bowl and he ate his salad.

Aaron enjoys watching Wheel of Fortune at 6:30, after supper. One evening I asked him if he was going to watch, and he said yes, so I told him to turn on the TV. He paused. Why? Because it was 6:25…and Aaron will NOT turn on the TV for Wheel of Fortune until 6:28. Yes, you read that correctly. 6:28. On. The. Dot.

6:25 was a ridiculous idea. Aaron stood there, staring at the clock for a few seconds before his eyes riveted back to the television screen, black because it was OFF. Clock. Screen. Clock. Screen.

Finally, he spoke. “Should I turn it on at 6:27?” he cautiously asked.

I took this event as seriously as he did as I told him that I would turn it on, so he ventured out and did just that.

VICTORY!!! At least for that one night.

He wants to only eat lunch at 12:00 on the weekends when he’s home, or maybe after…but NOT before 12:00. I asked him one Saturday if he wanted to eat lunch and he said yes. Then he stopped and looked at the clock. He then said no to lunch. I knew why, but I asked him anyway.

“It’s 11:48,” he replied patiently to his silly mom. “I’ll eat at 12:00.”

I’ve watched him sitting on his bed carefully watching his clock before writing his time-to-bed in the log that he faithfully keeps. As soon as the clock is precisely on the next minute, he will write down the time. Or I’ve seen him write down the time, look at the clock as it suddenly is on the next minute, and then watch as he scribbles through the time he wrote in order to put down the exact minute.

And when Aaron watches a DVD, he watches it from the very beginning to the VERY end…all the credits…EVERY single line and word. He does the same with a book, reading the very first page, the table of contents, and ending with the index in the back.

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I’ll never forget how I learned that about Aaron. Years ago, he was reading one of his Handy Answer books and he came to me with a question. “Mom, what does http/www. ,mean?” I asked him to show me what he was talking about, so he showed me the very end of the book with all the references to various web sites. Even after I told him what it was, and that he didn’t have to read that, he continued to read every single one.

Living with Aaron can be so many things because of his many parts and pieces. It can be hilarious, fascinating, entertaining, demanding, frustrating, and maddening. All in one day!!

And just as there are outward displays of his varied parts and pieces, there are many inner examples of Aaron’s unique design. His way of thinking…of processing life…of feeling valued, or not…of feeling important, or not. Those parts of Aaron are sometimes very difficult to predict, to understand, and to handle correctly.

It’s his inward desires that, if unmet, are often understood better by us only after angry eruptions on his part. This is very typical of those with autism. Aaron already has a hard time talking to us about his feelings or desires, but it IS those very feelings and desires that drive him to outbursts of anger and resentment.

So again, we are seen trying to fit together another aspect of Aaron…more parts and pieces, like his coupon pieces, that demand to be seen and understood for what they are.

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We have been a party to this inner part of Aaron for some time now as it relates to his sister falling in love. Andrea and Kyle will be married next month, so this occasion has opened a whole new door to us…and especially to Aaron. Matters of the heart actually open all sorts of doors. It’s been a very interesting, and sometimes very sad, process…one that I will write more about later.

One that has plenty of parts and pieces of its own! Stay tuned!

Lessons From the Brown Pine

What’s inside will eventually show on the outside.

He Said What?!

I’ve been observing the large pine tree way out back for some time now. Months, really. I look at it out of the kitchen window when I’m at the sink; stare at it while I’m watering flowers out back; glance at it when I pass an upstairs window. Now I know that my first inclinations were true. Our huge pine tree does indeed have Pine Wilt. At first there were only a few brown needles that started presenting themselves among the pretty evergreen. Pines sometimes do that and so there was no reason to overreact. It’s just that our history here has taught us that this might spell trouble. In the 12 years that we’ve lived at this house, we’ve cut close to 40 pine trees because of Pine Wilt. Some were small trees that were crowded into our back tree line and haven’t been missed. Others, like this current…

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Beautiful Hands

My mother would have been 94 years old tomorrow, so to honor her I am reposting a blog I wrote shortly after she died five years ago. The willing work of her hands will always be with us!

He Said What?!

This past May our mother passed on to heaven. We said our final earthly goodbyes to her on May 8, and thus began our year of those firsts. Many of you know them…….those first special days that you spend without that special person. Our first “first” came quickly. Mother’s Day occurred just two days after Mom’s funeral. Isn’t that just like life? Life doesn’t wait on us to get ready for the things that are hard. They happen whether we’re ready or not.

Our next first is tomorrow. Tomorrow is Mom’s birthday. She would be 89 if she had lived to see this day. I know, though, that none of us wish her back. We had been saying goodbye to her for a long time as the symptoms of Alzheimer’s overtook her brain and body. What a sad…

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Mentioning It

On our way to Aaron’s day group this morning, we started listening to Aaron’s current music choice – The Best of Alabama. Aaron LOVES listening to music while we drive, unless he’s talking non-stop…which means he will stop the CD, say his piece, start the CD, stop the CD to say more, start the CD, stop it again.

You get the idea.

He will often, after those stops and starts, decide to push the button that takes the CD back to the beginning of the song.

“I couldn’t hear it, Mom. You were talking,” he explains.

ME???!!!

And Aaron doesn’t seem to notice at all my long sigh or my rolling eyes. His eyes are staring straight ahead out the front windshield as he is absorbed in the song. If the song is one of his very favorites, he will work his finger magic – rubbing his hands together and doing his unique finger work, sometimes very briskly and with a huge smile on his face. Other times he is slow and methodical. Here’s a video:

In the van, he usually holds his hands up high enough for people driving beside us to see his hands. He honestly looks like a mad scientist hatching a new experiment. I wonder what the other car occupants think as they see Aaron.

I wonder what lots of people think as they see Aaron.

I know what I think. Well, actually, my thoughts depend on many things. But on a normal day…normal for us, that is…I think that Aaron is pretty amazing and often very funny.

Autism is like that. We have levels of amazement mixed with levels of laughter thrown in with levels of frustration.

Aaron is the constant. He is the reason for these levels that we experience.

Our constant…Gary and me…must be God and each other as we handle the other constant – Aaron.

So back to the Alabama music. The first song was “Gone Country.” Aaron was his usual excited self as he did his hand and finger thing while we drove down the road.

“He’s gone country,” Jackson sang, “look at them boots. He’s gone country, back to his roots. He’s gone country,…”

Finally, Aaron said with some exasperation, “He keeps mentioning it!!”

HaHaHa!!!

Aaron, of course, was paying attention to each word and those repeated words were getting on his nerves!

Now this is particularly funny to me because if there is anyone on planet earth who keeps “mentioning it,” it would be Aaron.

For instance, just after Aaron observed the repetition in Jackson’s song, we passed a little motel.

“That’s a motel,” Aaron flatly said. I knew exactly where he was going with this because Aaron has observed that there are motels, but there are also hotels. He has talked hotel and motel into the ground, but he can’t resist the urge to keep “mentioning it.” We have looked up the definitions of motel and hotel, too. Anything to explain it to Aaron, trust me.

I mean, who would even notice that?

Aaron would…and he did.

“There’s another motel,” he continued as we passed one.

“There’s a hotel,” he then said seconds later.

And a couple miles down the road, I heard him soberly say, “Inn.”

Yes, we drove by an inn. Great! Now we have a new word in the mix!

Again, he didn’t notice me shaking my head.

There are times that Aaron does notice the messages that our bodies are sending. Those times usually occur when Aaron is angry or on the verge of anger. And often what he thinks he sees is nothing that we have done on purpose. I probably see this more in the mornings than any other time. That’s because if Aaron wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, he is hyper vigilant and sensitive to every word and every movement that comes from me. I can be as flat in my reactions as possible, but invariably something will catch Aaron’s eye.

I saw this one morning when Aaron trudged into the kitchen, instantly saying that he was tired and that he didn’t want to go to Paradigm. My affect was unemotional as I told him I was sorry, and then proceeded to get his coffee. I have no idea what I did, but Aaron saw something.

“You make weird hand signals,” he commented.

And I knew that I needed to just go about my business, not responding or arguing or asking for an explanation.

I especially knew it later when in his bedroom Aaron got in one more parting shot as I walked away.

“Weird hand signals lady!” he said with more energy.

Talk about “mentioning it!” Aaron won’t let these issues go easily, but if I comment it’s like throwing gasoline on a fire. He drank his coffee while I got ready, and later he was fine. No more mention of my weird hand signals.

And trust me, the irony was not lost on me as we drove to Paradigm later and he rubbed his hands together with delight during a favorite song.

Weird hand signals, huh?

Aaron wanted to stay home one day this week. He was tired after some intestinal issues the day before, but still he could have gone. I didn’t push it, though, but he knew I wasn’t happy about it.

“You’re being quiet toward me,” he observed.

It’s good for him to know that…good for him to see the effect that HE has on us…and good for him to verbalize it.

The next day, he did go to Paradigm but he wasn’t very happy again first thing in the morning. As he wearily talked to me in the kitchen, and I responded, he was eyeing me carefully through his tired eyes.

“Mom!” he blurted out. “Stop doing things with your funny eyes!!”

I had to hide my funny eyes and face at that one. I was thankful that he walked away so that I could at least smile largely.

A trip to Dillon’s on our way to Paradigm that morning cheered him up tremendously. Talk about things to notice and things to mention! Dillon’s is full of possibilities.

And did he ever find a big one! As I checked out his pack of gum he found, he had walked away…and soon I heard this.

“MOM!! Can I put this in my bedroom??!!”

Everyone else turned with me to see Aaron carrying this huge thing.

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Others smiled and laughed with me, little children were looking up with wonder at loud Aaron holding this large spider, and the screen behind Aaron said, “Monitoring in Progress.”

As if seeing this in person isn’t enough, we were also on the monitor screen!

So I paid for his gum, walked back to the Halloween shelf with Aaron, and together we also looked at all the varieties of spider skeletons, dinosaur skeletons, bird skeletons, and on and on…with lots of laughter mixed in!

Speaking of “mentioning it,” Aaron told Gary all about it and our next door neighbor and the boys across the street. He talked and talked about it during the evening.

Aaron thinks it’s ok for him to keep “mentioning it,” whatever “it” is at the moment. Over and over and over and over, until Gary and I have glazed eyes and tired ears.

But have I mentioned that Aaron sure can make us laugh and sure can make us see a side of life that we would otherwise miss?

THAT is worth mentioning over and over and over and over.

P.S. By the way, the phrase “gone country” occurs 21 times in Alan Jackson’s song. I know because I came home, looked it up, and counted it.

You’re welcome, Aaron.

Or should I say, “Thank you, Aaron!” 😊

My View

We don’t always get to choose our view on any given day, but we don’t have to stay forever where the view is scary and dark.

He Said What?!

I was in TJ Maxx with my elderly friend, Nora, last Wednesday when I got a call from Paradigm, Aaron’s day group. I was tempted not to answer it, figuring it was Aaron just wanting to tell me about his day. That could wait. But I wasn’t sure, so I did answer and I immediately knew that the news was not good. Aaron was on the other end, his voice thick and choked with anger and tears. Here we go, yet again, I thought. How I wish that Aaron could stay happy!

I picked him up as soon as I got Nora settled back at her apartment. Aaron was asleep, so I had time to talk to the staff, all of us scratching our heads as to what caused his angry outburst that morning……and what the solution could be. I found out…

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Weary

I’m sitting here wondering how to start this post, so I’m just going to start this post by telling you that I’m sitting here wondering how to start this post.

I’m still sitting here, wondering.

So I’ll just launch into it. Gary and I had a disagreement on Saturday about Aaron.

There. I said it.

It’s not the first and it won’t be the last. 😊

Aaron may be nearing 34 years of age, but Gary and I are still in the thick of parenting, believe me. Like all parents, we don’t always see eye to eye on every issue. And just when Gary and I think we have some situation all figured out, Aaron not only changes the rules, he changes the entire game!!

Not to sound like a whiner but parenting a special needs adult – or child – is challenging even on a good day. Gary and I both get tired, on many levels. What may not be a big deal can easily turn into a huge deal when we’re tired. And trust me, Aaron can wear us totally out.

For instance, Aaron has just finished watching all four of the Jaws movies. It’s taken him some time to watch all four of those movies. Aaron’s current movie becomes his obsession, so lately we have heard more about sharks than we ever, ever, EVER wanted to hear. Shark teeth, shark gills, shark size, shark color, shark location, shark diet, shark movies, and will there be a FIFTH Jaws??!!

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Please tell me no on that last one!

It’s like I told Gary on Saturday during our discussion about our disagreement…there are some days, many days, that by the end of the day, I am SO done. Just really, completely done.

Not done with having Aaron live here. Not done with loving Aaron, by any means. But just done, as in deep down bone tired.

And so is Gary.

We talked and came to an agreement, and we still love each other. We even still LIKE each other!

But being tired…not just physically tired, but soul tired…isn’t resolved as quickly. I don’t know about you, but when I get like this I tend to magnify everything. Small issues become much larger than they really are. I mentally bounce all over the place, making mountains out of mole hills, even when I know better.

I sat down on the patio with my cup of coffee, enjoying the birds and the breeze, and I talked to the Lord. I told Him I was tired, as if He didn’t know that. And I told Him, as I am prone to do, that I sure would love to hear from Him.

As clear as day, this day that was just starting, this verse went through my mind: “Be not weary in well doing…”

And I felt a real peace.

I got on my phone to look up the verse because I’m terrible at remembering references. It’s Galatians 6:9 (one of the verses), and so I continued to scroll down on my phone to look at other translations and notes.

One of the references was Malachi 1:13. I hope you’re going to love this as much as I did. Without going into tons of detail, God was talking to Israel about how they were neglecting to truly worship Him. They were bringing defiled food and sickly animals for their sacrifices.

God told Israel, “You also say, ‘My, how tiresome it is!’ And you disdainfully sniff at it,” says the Lord of hosts.”

Israel was tired of doing the right thing. They were tired of obeying God. In fact, they sniffed at God’s instruction to them. That means that they blew through their nose. Much like I did on Saturday morning. You know…that sniff through the nose when you’re frustrated with something.

Don’t tell me you’ve never done it!

Sniff!!

OK, so I live with Aaron and I do get tired. But when God says to not weary in well doing, He’s not saying I should never get tired and if I do then I’m sinning. The “weary” in that verse means “to fail in heart.”

It’s my heart…my heart issues…I need to guard.

How do I do that? By being careful not to offer God a sacrifice unworthy of Who He is. God wants me to offer sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving and trust. And I can only do this when I stop and realize that He is sovereign over my life…my whole life…even all the Aaron moments. And anything else that weighs me down and causes me to sniff disdainfully.

To lay at God’s feet my worries, my anger, my sadness, my regrets…whatever else there may be…and then to replace all those things with praise and thankfulness and trust in Him.

Then I am better equipped to consciously continue in well doing…to do right even when I don’t feel like doing right…to not be weary in well doing.

It’s a tall order for sure. But I have a tall God who really will…and does…give me what I need, when I need it.

There’s a promise at the end of Galatians 6:9: “…for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.”

Our reaping will take various forms, but a big one is a harvest of peace. My situation may not change, but God will give peace as I obey Him.

What’s got you tired today? Our lists get long, don’t they? Health…finances…children…jobs…moving…rejection…hurts…church…

But through and in it all, don’t let your heart fail. Don’t fail to thank God for so many things, and for WHO He is!

Don’t sniff at your life but sacrifice your life to the One Who loves you so much!

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Just Wait!

One night a couple weeks ago, I was with Aaron as we went through his normal bedtime routine. I was particularly tired that night, having spent another long day getting me and Gary and the house and Aaron and our caregiver and our dog all ready for the trip back east that Gary and I were taking. Seeming to feed off of my particular tiredness, Aaron was a particular slow that night. I had hit the proverbial wall and just wanted nothing more than to lay my head on my pillow and go to sleep.

Speaking of, when Aaron is this kind of slow at night, even laying his head on his pillow is a drawn-out process. It’s like he’s moving in slow motion as he makes sure his covers are pulled up just right, then pulled down just right, and then situated even further down so that he can ever so slowly sit on the edge of the bed and ease under the covers. His head was still not quite on the pillow as he scooted his body over, but instead was leaning back on his headboard. He even rolled his eyes back in his head like he sometimes does as he EVER SO SLOWLY…did I already say that?!…maneuvered his body a little lower under his blankets. He looked like he was going to pass out right there. Finally, he was situated with his head actually on the pillow where it belonged and his body totally under the covers.

But now Aaron had to get his arms out from under the covers for our goodnight hug and kiss on the cheek. This part of the routine is necessary…arms under the covers, then arms out from under the covers…reaching up for me and our hug and a quick peck on his cheek.

Yet nothing on this tired night was quick. He was as slow as molasses in the winter, for crying out loud!!

So I pulled the covers down for him and in doing so, I revealed my impatience to ever-observant Aaron. He was more awake than I thought as he looked at me.

“Don’t be rushable!!” he reprimanded me sternly.

I had to smile at his wording as I gave him a hug and a kiss. Only Aaron could defuse the situation with his unique way of speaking.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this issue of being “rushable.” Seeing all the back-to-school pictures going around on FB…all the comments tinged with unbelief at how old a child is or what grade they’re in…and especially hearing the certain sound of mixed emotions regarding a child leaving for his first year of college or a job or marriage…has made me look at the reality of Aaron in a new way. And yet it’s not really new at all.

Aaron had his first seizure a little over 26 years ago. He is approaching his 34^th birthday. He is our oldest child and should have been the first to leave the nest for college or job or marriage. But here he is, still in our home and still dependent on us. This is through no fault of his own. Gary and I know that we are on this path not only because of Aaron’s special needs, but even more importantly, because of God’s sovereign will in our lives.

We know that God could heal Aaron, but for now He has chosen not to do so. Over the years, I have quit focusing on healing. I’ve learned it’s far more important to focus on what God has for me on this path, step by step, as I stay in His Word and as I seek to obey Him. I want to hear from God, to learn, to grow, to be more like Him, and to share Him with others. And God has used Aaron in SO many ways to point me to those very aspects in this life.

Yet I am not by any means a perfect example of peace in our situation. I do not walk around with a cherubic smile on my face as I adjust my halo on my head. Absolutely NOT!! I get sad, and tired. I think about our future, and definitely Aaron’s. I get frustrated. Sometimes I wish for things that are not in our picture now, and perhaps never will be. And once in a while, I crack open one of those little doors of my heart and I peek inside, thinking of what Aaron is and what he might have been. Those doors are hurtful and I know not to dwell there, but I am a mother and at times my eyes take a quick look as they fill with tears.

It’s at those moments that I know I must look at God and trust Him fully. And I must let Him remind me that there is a very great reason for our paths of suffering…for all of us, for you and for me as we follow Christ.

Remember the story of Lazarus in John 11? Lazarus was very sick, so his sisters, Mary and Martha, sent word to Jesus to tell him the news. Jesus loved this family. They were dear friends. When Jesus was told that Lazarus was sick, He stayed two days longer in the place where he was.

Wait…what?!

When we get news that someone we love is critically ill, we go to them right away. But Jesus, instead of taking off right away to Bethany to see Lazarus, purposely stayed where He was for two more days. Then when He did get to the town of Bethany, Martha and Mary both said to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, our brother would not have died.”

Lazarus had died. Jesus could have come sooner, but He didn’t and now Lazarus was dead and already buried in a tomb.

And Jesus didn’t come sooner ON PURPOSE!

We know why Jesus didn’t go sooner and why He allowed Lazarus to die, because Jesus told his followers the reason right after He was told about the illness of His friend. Jesus said that it was all being done so that the Son of God would be glorified.

Aaron would say that Jesus wasn’t “rushable.”

Jesus let the situation continue because He knew the end. Jesus knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead in order to point to God…to give God glory…to show all those people another picture of the love and greatness of God.

Yes, it was hurtful to those that loved Lazarus. It was especially hard on Lazarus to die, right? But their hurt and pain was used by Jesus to point out the glory and the power of God.

How many times are we told in the Bible to wait on the Lord? Wait for Him to show Himself. Wait for Him to teach us. Wait for Him to open a door, or to shut another.

For me, it’s as if Jesus is repeating Aaron’s words: “Don’t be rushable, Patty. Quit striving. Be still, and know that I am God.”

I don’t know why Aaron has his special needs. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, or next week, and certainly not next year. But I do know that God is God…that He is good…and that He wants Aaron, through us, to bring Him glory.

We do that by trusting Him, by pointing out the wonderful ways He speaks to us through His Word, and by resting each day in His plan for us and for Aaron.

When I try to rush God…to come up with answers why…to explain and understand everything…to have plausible reasons…then I am not letting Him be sovereign in my life and I am not bringing Him glory.

Don’t be rushable, Mom!!

Got it, Aaron.

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Going Home

Gary and I just returned this past week from a most wonderful trip back home…home being the Smoky Mountains of western North Carolina, and the Appalachian Mountains of southern West Virginia. We are both mountain born and bred. Now we live in a different kind of beauty surrounded by southern Kansas farm fields and beautiful skies. But when we go home to where we were “reared,” as we say back there, our hearts are stirred by our mountains…and more so, by the family we love even more than those hills and valleys of home.

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The reason for this trip began because of my one and only brother, John. We four sisters love blaming our only brother for lots of things, so we’ll lay this one on him as well. John has retired from 45 years of pastoring, the last 28 years being at our former home church in Princeton, West Virginia. Johnston Chapel Baptist Church is where all five of us King kids grew up, both physically and more important, spiritually. So there were many, many reasons why going home on this trip was so special to all of us. And as I said before my sisters and I sang on Sunday morning, “Any time there’s a celebration about getting rid of John, we’ll be there!!”

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But as we all planned this special weekend, the trip morphed into much more than only John and Jeanie’s celebration day. We added on a Hollandsworth cousin’s reunion on Saturday before the Heritage Sunday service. Then Gary and I tagged on a couple extra days so that we could spend time with his sister and family in western North Carolina. Aaron stayed home in Kansas with our friend, Casady, watching over him.

Gary and I flew into Atlanta, and then drove up to Bryson City in steady rain. Even with the rain and the low-lying clouds, the mountains were so pretty. I love the drive, and I love the stories Gary tells as we pass by little old mountain roads that wind up to sights unseen from the highway. Stories of his youth, with certain details untold, I’m quite sure.

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How good to see his sister, Sandra, and his Aunt Mary Leah! We had two nights there, the second evening being joined by Gary’s cousin Nita, and her husband Charles. Such delicious country cooking, Sandra’s specialty! And such fun conversation and sweet fellowship!

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On Friday we made our way to Weaverville, NC, where we visited the dear woman who was married to Gary’s dad – twice! – and about whom I wrote a blog earlier this year. (The Last Puzzle Piece ) Leo is so dear to our hearts, being responsible for getting Gary and his dad to finally meet after decades of never knowing each other…and allowing our children to know their other Grandpa. Ray died two months before my dad passed away.

Gary and I were very happy to spend a little time with Leo and her daughter Jonni, along with Sandra and Mary Leah. Leo is on Hospice, so our time with her was extra precious.

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Then up to Winston-Salem, NC, to visit with Gary’s Uncle Jay and Aunt Teetle. We love them so much! Jay and Teetle added Gary to their family of four boys during Gary’s junior and senior years of high school. Oh, the stories they could tell! They hold a very dear place in Gary’s heart, and mine as well.

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We then drove a few miles to spend some time with our wonderful friends from way back – Bucky and Janet. Janet and I were college roommates but knew each other before then as we went to summer youth camp together. How fun it was to get together, to catch up with life and kids, to laugh a lot, to see their son Whitson on his dinner break from the Sheriff’s department, and to thank the Lord for healing Janet’s cancer.

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Next we headed for West Virginia, taking a detour on old curvy mountain roads in the dark so that we could avoid long waits on the interstate due to construction. Those roads brought back many memories to me of multiple trips to college, the many turns and the small towns and the rock cliffs all a part of me from decades gone by. But before we left the interstate, Pilot Mountain loomed before us as always – this time its top covered with clouds, making this old mountain sentinel look eerily beautiful.

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I began the day on Saturday with my dear high school friend, Karen. We caught up over breakfast, somewhat. Time always goes too fast but how much it meant to both of us to see each other again!

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Saturday was a wonderful day – our Cousin’s Reunion! Bob and Jan, my sister and her husband, did a fantastic job of orchestrating this day. First we drove in a large rented van to Welch, West Virginia, through small mountain towns…towns ravaged by the downturn in the coal industry over the years.

Trains are the lifeblood of this state. My dad spent his life working for the railroad, and my niece’s husband is carrying on that tradition. Coal is coming back, so maybe hope will return as well to these little struggling mountain towns.

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We cousins have reconnected due to Facebook. It’s been so much fun to get to know one another again and was especially sweet to actually hug one another on this day…and talk and talk and talk. Our grandparents, Guy and Lillian Hollandsworth, raised their children…our parents…in the town of Welch.

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Their house no longer stands, destroyed by one of Welch’s many floods. But the school where Grandpa was the principal is still there. We talked about how amazing it was that so many of his grandchildren were now standing in view of his school…the school our parents attended.

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That evening, more cousins came into town. We enjoyed dinner together, and desserts at Bob and Jan’s house. So much laughter, catching up, shared memories, and new ones being made!

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Sunday was Heritage Sunday for the church, as well as celebration day for John and Jeanie, and their family.

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What a very touching service, listening to so many testimonies about how John and Jeanie have cared for and shepherded this dear church.

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Jan’s girls, two sets of twins, sang beautifully.

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And we King Sisters tried to, as well, after many years of NOT singing. We so missed our youngest sister, Kathryn, unable to come because of health issues.

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There was dinner on the grounds after the service. No one puts on a spread like church members, especially in the south!

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It was just awesome to see so many old friends from my growing up years at Johnston Chapel! So many hugs and smiles and memories! Won’t heaven be wonderful?!

It was over all too soon. Everyone had to go back to their homes and jobs. Gary and I drove back to Bryson City, relishing our sunny mountains on this drive…and relishing time with Sandra before flying back to Kansas…our other home.

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There is a bond with family that is unlike any other. No amount of time apart or number of miles between can take away the shared connection of family. And old friends have a connection nearly as strong as family.

It’s largely a matter of roots. Our roots are imbedded in the ground of our youth…our growing-up years…our family and friends. It’s where we are from, and it’s also who we are. It’s the part of us that only our family and old friends truly know. Going back to the place of my roots…to the people whose roots are entwined with mine…was, and always is, a nurturing time for me. A time of thankfulness, refreshment, and peace. A time never lasting long enough.

I love the song about home that Celtic Thunder sings.

“Home, I’m going home. Home to the people I left behind.

Home to the love I know I’ll find. Oh, take me home.”

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The Reality

Three years ago, we planted sunflowers around the perimeter of our vegetable garden. Aaron was SO happy that Gary and I had finally agreed to grow these giant flowers. Aaron had wanted sunflowers for a long time. They did not disappoint as they grew and grew and grew that first summer.

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Last year, Gary and Aaron planted some of the seeds that Gary had harvested from our first sunflower crop. Again, the mammoth flowers grew steadily and gave us much beauty to enjoy.

This year we decided not to plant a vegetable garden. Time constraints during the planting season, very late winter weather, some traveling, and severe drought caused us to make this decision.

One day, though, we noticed some plants emerging from the soil. Sure enough, we soon realized that our sunflowers had returned. We hadn’t planted a single seed this year. These were volunteer sunflowers that had sprouted from old seed left in the ground from the year before.

Just a few days ago, there in our garden, was a welcome splash of color. Sure enough, one of those volunteer sunflowers was blooming. And it wasn’t long before Aaron also saw it.

“MOM!!!” he loudly exclaimed. “Look at the sunflower!! Let’s go see it!”

We walked over to the garden and looked at the pretty bloom, all bright and perky and sunny. And of course, I took a picture. Isn’t it pretty?

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But if you take a closer look, you’ll see more than one pretty sunflower. And most definitely, if you take in the whole scene, you will have a new appreciation for how much we appreciate this flower.

Look at the sunflower stalk. You notice that it’s missing something. It’s missing leaves…lots of leaves. The deer that call this area home have helped themselves to our sunflower leaves. We didn’t really expect any of our sunflowers to bloom this year because of the damage done.

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And look at the background behind and around our struggling sunflowers. The ground is parched and weedy and really quite ugly.

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So here is the reality of our garden this year. It looks forsaken and ignored and certainly not a place of beauty. It’s drab and dreary and dull.

Except for…this. This beautiful, unexpected flower.

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What’s your reality today? Oh, I’m not referring to your yard or garden. What’s the reality in your life today?

Here’s a picture of mine.

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Many of you will know exactly what we are dealing with today. After a welcome break of two and a half weeks seizure free, the low front that came in last night also ushered in seizures for Aaron. I wasn’t really surprised, yet seizures are always concerning and sad. And the loud thump very early this morning as Aaron fell out of bed during a seizure was most unwelcome, especially for poor Aaron. Thankfully, he was uninjured, all wrapped up in his multiple covers like a cocoon.

Wet carpet, wet bedding, wet clothes…really, the least of my worries. Another seizure a short while ago, and watching closely while Aaron is up and about, are my main concerns. I can also change my schedule today, but I cannot change this reality that is a continual part of our lives.

That’s why reading the short devotional for today in the old Streams in The Desert was powerful and moving to me. Listen to what George Matheson says about waiting for hope:

“Thou hast made waiting beautiful; Thou hast made patience divine. Thou hast taught us that the Father’s will may be received just because it IS His will. Thou hast revealed to us that a soul may see nothing but sorrow in the cup and yet may refuse to let it go, convinced that the eye of the Father sees further than its own.”

The eye of God sees further than my eye sees. I see my surroundings in life, often ugly and stressful, but beyond what I see is what GOD sees…what God allows.

I have hope. You, if you know and follow Christ, have hope. Aaron may not be healed on earth. But I have the hope of heaven, where he will be healed and where all will be perfect.

And I have here-and-now hope in God, which brings me peace…joy…strength. We who follow Christ all have this wonderful hope, despite our heartaches and our deep valleys.

Look at what else Aaron and I found in our little sunflower patch.

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Future blooms, waiting to pop open and brighten up our dull garden even more.

Know that God is a God of hope. Know that He will work out your problems for some good, unseen as it is now in your life. Know that He has reasons beyond what you may ever know on this earth for the dark days you are facing. Know that He will never leave you or forsake you.

“Strive to be one of those – so few – who walk the earth with ever-present consciousness – all mornings, middays, star-times – that the unknown which men call Heaven is “close behind the visible scene of things.” (Streams in The Desert)

“For I hope in You, O Lord. You will answer, O Lord my God.” (Ps. 38:15)

	Patty hesaidwhatks on Aaron’s Talking Points
	Cindy Dawson on Aaron’s Talking Points
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	Patty hesaidwhatks on Aaron’s Talking Points
	Patty hesaidwhatks on Aaron’s Talking Points