He Said What?!

The Battered Pepper Plant

Written a few years ago:

Weeks ago, we had a strong storm during the night. It was a Kansas storm, full of bright lightning, loud thunder, and very strong winds. When I was able to get out in the garden several days later, I was disappointed to find that my only pepper plant that had done any decent growing was now toppled over. I stood there staring down at it as it lay on the nearby zucchini, whose leaves had also been tossed around during the same storm. I stood there, tempted to just uproot the battered pepper plant and be done with it.

I bent over and gently lifted it, realizing then that the main stem of the pepper plant was unbroken and was still safely in the soil. “Why not just leave it and see what it does?” I thought. And that’s what I did. I left it to grow if it would, knowing that if I messed with it and tried to bend it back up, I would just break it and kill it for sure. So I let it remain where it was, bent over and not looking too promising at that point.

This past Saturday, I went out to the garden to harvest the last of the zucchini and squash. They have now fallen prey to heat, lack of rain, and bugs. Their brown vegetation only served to accentuate what I now found as I stared down at my pepper plant, still bowed down in the dirt. Though my pepper plant was stooped low to the ground, its leaves were bright and green. They were quite a contrast to the brown ugliness around them. And there, under the leaves, were peppers……peppers that hadn’t been there when it first fell to the ground in the storm. They had grown since the plant was blown over in the storm. Firm, pretty green peppers that were the fruit of this plant that had been pummeled in the storm, yet still survived. And not only survived, but was producing fruit there on the ground.

I don’t remember a time when I’ve seen so many people suffering in one form or another as I have in recent months. I routinely communicate with or receive prayer requests from those dealing with serious health issues themselves or with someone they dearly love; others are going through divorce and single parenting; parents are struggling with children who are living apart from the Lord and how they were raised; others are very lonely and are feeling set apart; some are grieving the death of someone they love; and of course, I know many families who are weighted down by the particular challenges of raising a child with special needs. So many heartaches from so much suffering! What’s a person to do? And primarily, what’s a follower of Christ to do?

James opened his book of the Bible with this very issue. He didn’t waste time in laying the subject of suffering out on the table. “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” James said what? Consider it joy when we suffer? I love that the word “various” here means “multi-colored.” Doesn’t that describe our life’s struggles so well? We all encounter many different forms of suffering in our lives on earth…..many multi-colored afflictions. Sometimes I wish my life was a bland, constant egg shell color myself. Yet we all know that bland isn’t how our walk on this earth turns out.

James goes on to tell his readers why we should consider our trials with joy. He explains, “Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

When James talks about testing producing endurance, he uses a Greek word that means to bear up as we abide under difficulties. Notice the word “under.” Not to bear up as the trials are removed, or the suffering is lessened, or the answers are made clear. No, we are to endure UNDER the suffering…..while the suffering is going on in our lives. Then James says that this endurance will produce maturity and full development…..its perfect and complete result in our lives.

Considering suffering to be joyful is not a trait that comes naturally. How do we do that, anyway? Like my pepper plant, down in the dirt and buffeted by the storm, we sometimes find ourselves bent over with the storms of life. Tired, defeated, scared, and just lying in the dirt. But our roots are in Christ, and it’s from Him that we draw the strength to “consider it all joy.” We may not feel joyful on many days, but we can in obedience thank God for our trials and for what they are teaching us. We can say the words even if we don’t feel it in our hearts. That’s called faith. Faith that God is indeed working all things out for our good.

I saw those green peppers growing on that pepper plant, despite its pitiful condition. And despite my pain and my doubt, when I trust God with my situation and I praise Him in the storm, it won’t be long before I’ll also see fruit growing. James talks about some of that fruit as he mentions maturity and development. He also says that I will lack nothing. My faith will grow, my thankfulness attitude will mature, my patience will increase, and peace will rule my heart. Maybe not every second of every day, but for most of the time I’ll see the fruits of being joyful in the bent days of my life…..the hard times…..the days that seem unending.

Like the hymn writer said:

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand.

So when we are tossed around by all that we meet in this life…..when we see for real that the ground around us is just sinking sand and that nothing in life is constant…..when the winds of deep trials come our way…..let’s consider it joy. Let’s lean into Jesus even as we lean down with the weight of our circumstances.

And just like my bent pepper plant, we can still see that we are alive in Christ and that He has not left us alone. He is still using us and still producing His fruit in our lives……..fruit which will benefit others, and give us joy and maturity.

It’s so good to know that God is in control. He both sends the wind that sometimes bends me down, and the strength to be joyful as I stay rooted in Him. May all of us grow fruit for Him and for others to see as we live in the struggles and storms of life.

Let’s Go Racing!

Our son, Andrew, works for a professional NHRA race team. He works for Don Schumacher Racing and is on Leah Pritchett’s team. It’s an unusual, hard-working, and interesting life. Gary and I subscribe to the NHRA live feed so that we can watch each qualifying and elimination run at every race from February – November.

39746455_2137280386284714_1412035816422637568_o

This weekend the big Indy Nationals Labor Day race is being run for its 65^th year. It’s a huge event! And you can bet that Gary and I will be watching each run. One qualifying run was on Friday…two runs today…two more tomorrow…and the big race will happen on Monday. It’s so much fun to be able to go to the races while we’re at home! And even more fun to see Andrew!

36805855_1949370461788554_8107236424626995200_o

Leah and the team won the race at Brainerd two weeks ago. Here is a picture of Andrew and Leah with the coveted Wally trophy.

37794284_1977754582283475_4970452719790718976_o

We wish all of them the same success this weekend, for sure!

Someone else will hang out with us, too, for each run. Aaron! Now this is unusual because Aaron used to care nothing for racing. Part of that was lack of interest in the sport. But a huge part of his lack of interest was also due to jealousy.

Aaron has struggled with resentment toward Andrew for years. I think it’s partly because they are both guys. Aaron wanted friends like Andrew had…wanted to drive a truck like Andrew did…and craved the attention Andrew got when he told his cool stories.

Therefore, when Aaron would see Gary and me watching a race, he would say, “I don’t care about that stupid race!!” And off he would stalk, mad at us for the time and attention we gave to the race…and mostly to Andrew.

Something changed, though, a few years ago. Aaron took an interest in racing and so he would come down to Gary’s study to join us. Granted, sometimes his head is buried in his Nintendo DS, but he is still listening and soaking up knowledge about drag racing.

It was amazing and wonderful to hear Aaron talk to Andrew on the phone. “Hey, Andrew!! I watch you on racing!” And to hear Andrew so sweetly engage with Aaron, and to say he’s glad he gets to watch.

Our little neighbor came over a few weeks ago to watch a run with us. Keegan is in the first grade. It was so cool to hear Aaron answering some of Keegan’s questions about drag racing. Things like the difference in Funny cars, like Andrew used to work on:

18556533_1238472966250097_952603377850509928_o

And Top Fuel cars, where he is now:

61550656_2442674342458161_4025009175309320192_n

It was also fun to hear Aaron talk about Leah Pritchett, the driver of the car where Andrew is now working. This has been one of the funniest and sweetest aspects of Aaron’s interest in racing.

Leah is very pretty. Aaron has never mentioned before that a girl is pretty. He might talk about her hair being “yellow”…or her clothes that are weird…or her weight!!…or any number of other aspects that often require our correction. But being pretty? Nope. Aaron has never seemed to notice. Until Leah…

The first time he saw her in a close-up shot on our television, Aaron said, “She has nice eye polish!” 😊 😊

Gary and I stifled laughter as we looked at each other in shock. Aaron noticed her eye make-up?!

When I was able to meet Leah in person two years ago at the Houston race, I told her about Aaron and what he said. She loved it!

Aaron has broadened his appreciation of Leah, though. He says that she is beautiful, and that he wants to marry her…which is to Aaron a normal connecting of the dots, not at all unusual or extreme.

This past year, in Houston, I asked Leah to sign one of her posters for Aaron. She was glad to do so.

And Aaron…he was BEYOND happy when I handed him his poster, signed – LOVE, Leah!!

He has showed this poster to all our neighbors and to many others who have come to our house.

I told Leah about this at the Topeka race, about how happy Aaron is to have her signed poster. It made her smile, and then to ask when she would see Aaron. But taking Aaron to an actual race…that’s a whole other challenge!

In all this racing interest, the best part has been to watch Aaron care about Andrew’s life and his job, and for the bond that has been formed between them.

“My brother is a drag car racer worker!” Aaron tells everyone.

That’s the best win-win, in our book.

But we would still love to see another Wally this weekend!

Smooth Gliding

Aaron had a seizure shortly after 4:00 this morning, so I kept him home from his day group today. One seizure not only makes him feel bad when he gets up and about, but one seizure can also mean more seizures to come…especially drop seizures that are so dangerous.

As I went sleepily up the hall this morning to be with him, I was mentally trying to remember what my day held that would need to be changed. Fortunately, today was just errand day for me…nothing critical that had to be rearranged, like a doctor appointment for me or for Aaron.

Still, the point is driven home yet again that I am always on call when it comes to living with Aaron. Any caregiver knows what I mean. It’s very difficult if not impossible to commit myself to activities that would demand my presence, like a job or even some volunteer positions. And that’s OK for me, thankfully. God has blessed me with the privilege of being able to stay at home with Aaron.

Sometimes that blessing, though, can turn into a struggle for me. Aaron isn’t always easy to care for. Oh, I can handle seizures and wet bedding and interrupted schedules and doctor appointments and all the rest that goes along with life…life with Aaron.

It’s his behaviors, at times, that wear me and Gary down. Aaron’s ups and downs due to his autism can be exhausting and so very frustrating. Then when I erupt, along comes the guilt and the “I’m so done!” attitude. My own ups and downs are personally exhausting to me on so many levels.

So today, in an odd kind of sad way, has been a reprieve for both me and Aaron. He is far happier when he has no place to go…no schedule to keep…no expectations. And happy Aaron equals happy Mom – though my heart is always sad to see his seizures and the toll they take.

One toll is that Aaron often loses his taste, as he says, after seizures…and today was no different. Nothing interested him for lunch until I mentioned cream of chicken soup. He slurped happily while watching a bit of the old Incredible Hulk television series, leaning back occasionally to hold his head.

Later, I sat down beside him and asked this magic question:

“Aaron, would you like to go get a milkshake?”

How Aaron loves milkshakes!

“Yeah!!” he answered as his eyes lit up. “And can it be a hot fudge?”

I agreed to hot fudge, and Aaron was happy and very ready to go.

When I later told him it was time to leave, he came to my closed bathroom door with his report.

“Mom,” he said. “I have on my shoes and my glasses and my watch.”

Bless his heart. Preparation details for these excursions are very important, even if Sonic is only one mile down the road.

When we got home, Aaron sat on our porch glider with his yummy hot fudge milkshake while I watered the porch plants and swept away some unwanted spider webs. Then I settled in beside him.

It’s a beautiful day today, and our time on the front porch and out in the yard later was so sweet. We examined the veins of the flower petals he pulled off my orange geranium. We talked about the dragonfly that landed near us…about the squawking blue jay we heard…about mosquitoes that drink our blood…about the squirrels that steal all our pecans…about the bag worms that haven’t built any web nests this year…about the bush that needs pruning yet again…and about the molted remains of Cicadas he found.

We examined mushrooms in the back yard…small, medium, and large.

And watched honeybees in the Rose of Sharon blooms, laughing at their legs all fuzzy with pollen as they flew around from bloom to bloom.

We also rocked in our front porch glider. Well, we attempted to rock. That’s because rocking with Aaron in the glider is either smooth and fun or is more often a lesson in frustration.

You see, Aaron has a hard time keeping a joint motion going as we try to rock. I go forward and Aaron is going backward. Or he keeps his feet locked on the ground, stopping the motion altogether. When he does master the idea of rocking simultaneously, he goes too fast and furious.

Smooth gliding with Aaron for any length of time is nearly impossible because he doesn’t cooperate. He’s not trying to be difficult. He just doesn’t have the motor skills to master the art of joint gliding, so we end up with an awkward mess most of the time. It takes time and patience on my part to hang in there with him and make it work, at least part of the time. It’s often best to just stop for a few seconds, and then try again.

In my walk with God, I’m often like Aaron on the glider. I don’t want to be. I don’t mean to be. But oh, sometimes I am so out of sync with God and with who and what I know Him to be. This is true especially in relation to our life with Aaron.

Over the years, God has worked and worked on me to show me that His ways are best, always. Not easy, but best. This path upon which God has set me is of His choosing.

But you know, I get tired. I find myself saying more and more that I’m done…just done. Yet that’s when God, if I get still and listen…like when I read His Word to me and I pray it back to Him…says to me that He understands. He knows tired and He knows being done.

What I need to know is that He is God. I just need to be still…to quit striving…and to know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). Sometimes God just needs us to stop the rocking, rest a spell, and then pick it up again.

And I need to let Him do the leading. It’s a mess when I take over.

I do that by trusting Him, obeying Him, confessing my failures, and looking at Aaron as a gift of God in our lives.

God doesn’t expect perfection from me, but He does expect cooperation if I want to live in peace and joy. Peace doesn’t come by my surroundings being what I want them to be. Peace comes to me despite my surroundings so often being an awkward and frustrating mess.

“Just be still now,” God says. “Quit trying to be the lead as we’re on this glider of life. I’m right here beside you. Let Me lead and you follow.”

“Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day.” (Psalm 25:5)

The Hanging Sunflowers

It’s sunflower season here in Kansas, so I want to share this blog again. I also need this message since I feel like I’m hanging a little low today. Maybe you are, too, and God can use this to help you see that burdens are really blessings.

He Said What?!

It’s a little hard to believe that after 17……..yes, that’s 17!!!…….years of living in Kansas, this is the first year that we have planted sunflowers. I have no idea why we waited so long, but maybe that long wait is one reason that I am enjoying them so much. And as always, I’m learning more from our sunflowers than just the mechanics of how they grow. God speaks to me through my growing things, including through my own growing…..which is often a little painful, I’ll admit.

WP_20160826_13_25_33_Pro_LI

Did you know that sunflowers follow the sun? Maybe that’s a “duh” comment to most of you, but I noticed how our sunflowers………while they were beginning to bloom and before the big flowers opened…….were leaning one way in the morning and then leaning another way in the evening. In my reading about sunflowers, I discovered that they literally do follow the sun during this…

View original post 1,188 more words

What Number?

Aaron loves storms.

LOVES storms!

And we got a doozy of a storm Wednesday evening. We followed it on radar as it approached. We saw the clouds swirling and thickening from my favorite upstairs vantage point.

Aaron was happy.

Happy until our power went out. What’s strange is that our power vanished before the storm really hit our area. We were surprised.

Aaron was puzzled.

He was also a little irritated that he could no longer be on his computer. A loss of electricity is not his favorite part of a storm.

We were outside looking at the clouds when Aaron spied our neighbors outside on their driveway, and despite my admonishments he was over there in a flash.

“Hey, Colby!” Aaron yelled. “Is your power out?”

And off Aaron tromped through our yards, his ever-present sweater flapping in the wind, to stand on Colby’s driveway…eventually joined by me and Gary, and Colby and Amanda, and Derek and Gina, and all their children…and Aaron.

Our neighborhood storm gathering didn’t last long, but Aaron took full advantage of the short time to become even more excited, more animated, and definitely louder.

Sorry about the sweater on your head, Gina.

It was probably best that rain started falling so we could all escape inside to our own homes, where for us…and for Aaron…the reality of no electricity began to settle in. No lights…no television…no computer.

Aaron was unsettled.

He was full of questions and wandered around the family room and kitchen, asking said questions and wondering what to do with himself.

His main question?

“When will the power come back on?!”

We had no answer, until finally Gary got an email from our power company with the answer.

The APPROXIMATE answer of 9:15 for restored power.

Too bad Gary told us the time, out loud for all to hear.

Aaron doesn’t do approximate.

Times for Aaron are pretty much precise or nothing.

I should just say precise. Pretty much precise does not go together in Aaron’s world.

Aaron and I have been watching the TV series, Bones, at night. We watch one show every night. Aaron, now busy playing his Nintendo DS in the family room that was lit with lanterns, latched on to 9:15 as being the firm time that our power would be restored.

“So Mom, can we watch Bones at 9:15?” he asked. I explained that we weren’t totally sure that the power would be on at 9:15.

A short pause ensued.

“Mom, do you think we can watch Bones at 9:15?” he ventured again.

That’s when I started praying that the Lord in His mercy would allow our electricity to be on by…if not by some miracle BEFORE…9:15.

At 8:58, Aaron announced that he was going to bed at 9:00. He loves watching lightning out of his upstairs bedroom windows, leaving his blinds up so he can enjoy his perfect view of the western sky. Aaron sat in his family room chair until it was 9:00, on the dot, and just as he promised he got himself ready for bed by the light of our lanterns. I was thankful for the storm’s distraction from his certainty that the lights would be on at 9:15.

At 9:11, just as I walked back into the family room after saying goodnight to Aaron, the lights came back on! Aaron jumped out of bed, of course! And at, or very close to 9:15, Aaron and I were settling in to watch Bones. Thank you, Lord!

The next night we had a chance of storms, but none were on the radar when Aaron went to bed. Just as I told him goodnight and was closing his bedroom door, he asked…as he always asks…if it was going to rain. I told him it might rain but that we’re never sure.

The words “might” and “never sure” are never satisfactory to Aaron.

“Mom??” he asked through the baby monitor on my nightstand as soon as I was in our bedroom.

I pressed the Talk button.

“What, Aaron?”

“So it might rain?”

“Yes, it might rain.”

“Might?” he repeated.

Sigh. That was me.

“Yes, Aaron, might.”

“So what number?” he asked.

I quit pressing on the talk button so I could laugh.

“40%,” I responded.

“What does that mean?” he asked.

“It means there’s a 4 in 10 chance it might rain,” I answered.

I knew he wouldn’t get that, but I did it anyway.

“So they’re not sure,” he said.

“Right, they’re not sure.”

“They don’t know,” he continued.

“Aaron, it MIGHT rain. They’re not SURE it’s going to rain. No one KNOWS if it’s going to rain. But MAYBE it will rain. Good night. I love you.”

Talk button off.

But Aaron’s talk button wasn’t off as I heard him muttering about the chance of rain as I escaped to the bathroom.

The next night, last night, saw us with that chance of rain once again. Aaron had already queried us over and over during the evening about the possibility of rain. As soon as our Bones episode was over, he looked over at me.

“Is the rain 4 to 10 tonight?”

I just didn’t even care at that point about precision and accuracy, about percentages and correct explanations.

“Aaron, I think it’s 5 to 10 tonight.”

“What does that mean?”

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

That was me…internally.

“It means there’s a half-and-half chance it could rain.”

“So there’s half a chance it could rain,” he repeated.

He was satisfied with that, repeating it several times as we got his bed all ready and made sure his blinds were open in case that 5 to 10 worked out the way he hoped.

But I can tell you one thing. There is absolutely a 100% chance that we will again be discussing our rain chances all weekend long…over and over and over and over and over.

There is also a 100% chance that we will have our typical highs and lows…and I’m not talking about the weather now.

Oh, and a 100% chance that we’ll see this image of Aaron walking through our yard at some point with his favorite sweater blowing in the wind…slipper socks on…oblivious to the image he leaves for all to see.

Free as a bird…outside…where it might rain.

3 to 10 today.

8 to 10 tonight.

I’m ready with answers today!!

A Normal Thing

One evening we were eating supper and Aaron was talking.

That sentence makes me laugh because I could just leave the first part blank – to be filled in, you know – because any place and any time and any meal and absolutely ANY scenario could easily end with: “…and Aaron was talking.”

After all, the name of this blog IS, “He Said WHAT?!” I write about lots of other things, too, but I started out wanting to convey the amazing way that Aaron expresses himself. Sometimes he is not only amazing. He is also funny, maddening, complex, insulting, and so many other adjectives.

Anyway, we were eating supper and Aaron was trying very hard…and largely succeeding…in monopolizing the conversation. I don’t remember Aaron’s question to Gary, but Gary decided to answer in a joking way. Gary must have had a momentary loss of focus or memory. Aaron rarely appreciates joking, at least not joking in the way that we…and all of you, no doubt…would understand. Most joking does not compute in Aaron’s autistic brain. Instead, he is most often angered by the give and take that the rest of our family enjoys.

So, when Gary offered a little joking response, Aaron’s response was not at all light and funny.

“Dad!!!” Aaron responded. “I’m trying to talk a NORMAL thing!!!”

Oh, how I wanted to look at Aaron and ask, “Aaron, please define normal!”

Aaron’s definition of normal would most assuredly not be our definition of normal. And that’s OK, really. It’s just that sometimes we have a hard time not bending over in a belly laugh when Aaron responds to one of us as he did. Instead, Gary and I share a fleeting look of understanding with each other…a slight and very quick smile so that Aaron won’t notice…and wait until later to laugh at the whole situation. Or sigh, very deeply.

But we can’t sigh when Aaron is around.

“Mom!!” he said once after I sighed. “Don’t breathe madly!”

You would think that if Aaron notices my sighing then he would also notice and then copy how to engage in conversation, joking, excitement, and all sorts of other regular communication. Yet that element is often missing from Aaron’s abilities. It’s one of the mysteries of the autistic brain, that lack of being able to connect the social dots like you and I do.

As I mentioned earlier, our joking often sets Aaron on edge. But what Aaron thinks is funny is usually not at all funny. Aaron thinks it’s funny to whack a person on their bottom, for instance. I’ll never forget the day he hauled off and whacked a resident doctor in the hospital. That was an interesting moment, and so embarrassing for me.

And Aaron’s response when corrected was, and always is, this: “But I was just trying to be funny!”

We had this recurring scenario one day, with Aaron telling me he was just trying to be funny, when I repeated what I often say: “Aaron, what’s funny to you usually isn’t funny…at all!”

He looked at me for a few seconds and then answered: “Mom, I don’t know what I could use as funny.”

And THAT is a very true statement! It’s also a very insightful look into what makes Aaron tick.

Yet Aaron truly is very funny sometimes, although he doesn’t know that he is. He says things in such unusual and comical ways, but we often can’t laugh because we don’t want him to be self-conscious or to get angry.

A couple examples from this past week:

“Dogs are more trainful than cats.”

After dumping Parmesan cheese on his pizza: “Mom, you’ll need to buy some more of that spaghetti powder!”

And a favorite from the past, after I once again reminded him not to ever ask a girl how much she weighs: “Mom, I didn’t ask Tiffany how much she weighs. I asked her how much she eats!”

🙂 🙂 🙂

Aaron’s talking can also be very draining to Gary and me. Sometimes we try to slip out of the house without Aaron hearing us. We sneak out the garage door, closing the door to the house as softly as possible, and then we sit on our front porch for a few minutes to ourselves. We feel like two teenagers who are trying to sneak out without permission, and it makes us laugh.

But usually it isn’t long before we hear the unmistakable sound of Aaron in the house, clomping down the stairs and most certainly looking for us. He has something he must say and so he searches until he finds us.

Here he was one evening, standing on the sidewalk talking to us as if he was on a stage and we were his audience.

His subject was no doubt something like Star Wars and the Jedi Knights…or Transformers…or whatever else he was playing on his computer. Talk of androids and Anakin and Padme’ and Darth Maul…of Sith Lords and Jedi knights and clones and Queen Amidala…of light sabers and droids and the force and motherships.

His excitement builds as Gary and I slip further into a stupor.

Aaron doesn’t notice our glazed eyes or fixed looks. He’s having his version of fun! But then the dreaded happens! He asks us a question. And we just look at him blankly while he, at last, is quiet as he awaits our answer.

Our brains scramble to link up to the last thing or person or alien or whatever that he was talking about. If it’s a person, my usual answer is actually a question: “Ummmm…is he a good guy or a bad guy?”

Aaron happily answers me, and once again he is off and running – thankful for any engagement from me or from Gary.

Ah, yes, we’re having Aaron’s version of talking a normal thing.

But sometimes…sometimes…Aaron is quiet, like he was on the porch during this rainy moment. It was such a sweet moment, too.

And I am reminded that Aaron needs me and Gary to understand his normal and to, when possible, allow his normal to be our normal, as well.

WHACK!!

Except for that.

Sigh.

What Am I Cultivating?

I sat on our patio one recent morning, enjoying coffee while watching birds and dragonflies flitting all around. The mowed yard, the green trees, the blue sky…it was all so pretty and pleasant. But then my eyes wandered over to our garden plot. UGH!! So much for looking at beauty!

Why? Because for the second year in a row, Gary and I did not plant a vegetable garden. Rain…two out-of-town trips…schedules – it all added up to once again, no garden.

Now our small garden area is a huge mess, full of overgrown weeds and sad neglected old tomato cages. What a difference to have gone from this:

WP_20160720_17_05_15_Pro_LI

To this:

Same ground, but different cultivating.

I read this verse around the time I was thinking about the comparison in our little piece of land from one year to the next.

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.” (Psalm 37:3)

God’s desire for Israel was for them to dwell in the land He had promised to them. He told them over and over that dwelling in the land successfully and fully would require their total obedience to Him. In Deuteronomy 30:15-20, God told Israel very clearly what their choice was:

“See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity; in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His judgments, that you may live and multiply, and that the Lord your God may bless you in the land where you are entering to possess it.” (v. 15-16)

God told them that disobedience would bring death and a curse. He urged them to choose life by loving the Lord, obeying His voice, and holding fast to Him. And not just life but life AND prosperity.

In other words, to cultivate faithfulness.

This same principle is very true for me today. I have a choice to make. God won’t force me to make the right one, but He has told me what the right choice is and how to make that choice.

It’s simple, really. Choose to love God, choose to obey Him, and hold fast to Him. Hold fast by hanging onto Him when life is crazy and tiring and disappointing.

I get really tired sometimes. I know we all do. Just as I began this blog, Aaron called me from his day group. I knew he had been having a hard day, and his voice and manner on the phone confirmed it. I ended up just picking him up early today to avoid any further meltdowns at his day group. This change in my day was not in my plan. His attitude today makes me angry and tired.

And guess what I saw before all this happened? Beautiful beach vacation pictures. When I hung up from talking to Aaron, I was wanting to just hang up this life with him too, quite honestly. For a fleeting minute, I wanted to give in to my beach thoughts…have a pity party…and allow myself the “luxury” of wallowing in the wishes for a life I don’t have.

I just HAD to be writing a blog today on faithfulness, right?!

You see, God has put me right here where I am. This life with Aaron is not what I had planned, but I must see and trust that this life with Aaron is what God planned…for me.

And in this life that He planned for me, I really do want to live it in victory and joy. I want to cultivate this:

IMAG00644

And not this:

It truly is up to me which picture will be the picture of my life. I choose what to cultivate by choosing whether to love God…obey Him…and hold fast to Him.

I love Him by praising Him even when I don’t like what’s going on around me.

I obey Him by reading His word and finding out what exactly it is He wants me to do each day…and then DO it!

And I hold fast to Him by not allowing my thoughts to digress into selfish wishful thinking and all those “what if’s?” and asking Him to give me grace to love and handle Aaron correctly.

I should know that when God burdens me with a blog, then He’s going to hammer it home to me in a very personal way! 😊

So, wherever you are today…on a public stage or stuck at home…reeling from an unexpected diagnosis…planning a funeral…facing life alone as a single…hurting from unfaithfulness…starting all over in a new life or new church or new friends…losing your job or needing a new one…raising your grandchildren…raising special needs children…

Whatever is your situation, just remember:

CULTIVATE FAITHFULNESS!

And just watch what God will grow in your life!

WP_20160818_11_40_21_Pro_LI (3)

Rising to the Occasion

Written three years ago, but not blogged…until today. 🙂

I had thumb surgery last week. It’s certainly not major surgery and I’m getting along very well. However, I’m wearing a bulky splint and I’m under strict instructions from the doctor about what I can and cannot do. I’m realizing how much I use my thumb in ways that I never even thought about. I can’t pick up small items very well with that hand; I can’t shuffle our Skip-Bo cards; can’t easily hold a Ziploc bag in order to open it with my good hand; can’t tie shoes; can’t keep from hitting the spacebar with that bulky thumb all wrapped up 🙂 – just to name a few.

Gary, as he has been so often in the past, is a wonderful help to me. For instance, just this morning he made sure to get ready for work a little early so that he had time to tape a plastic bag to my arm so that I could shower and still keep the splint dry. Gary rose to the occasion, as he always does for me.

Today I picked up some dog food for our big Jackson. The bag of food weighs over 27 pounds, far over the coffee cup weight limit I’m allowed to carry with that hand. Stacey, our vet’s wife and a dear friend, carried the bag of dog food to my van. Stacey rose to the occasion for me.

This morning I was reading Exodus 15, the deliverance song the Israelites sang after crossing the Red Sea on dry ground. The song begins with these words:

“I will sing to the Lord, for He is highly exalted. The horse and its rider He has hurled into the sea.”

The words “highly exalted” carry this meaning – that God rose to the occasion. I love that!!

I can point to so many times that God has risen to the occasion for me as I’ve faced some hard times, frustrating times (even today!), fearful times, and uncertain times. I know that many of you, my family and friends, are right now staring at very difficult and sometimes seemingly impossible situations. I’m praying for many of you!

So, I just wanted to share this little nugget of blessing with you today. God really will rise to the occasions in your life. He parted the sea for Israel. That mighty God of Israel is the same God we know today. His power hasn’t changed a bit. His desire for us is that we trust His timing to know just how to rise to the occasions that we face. Whether He dramatically hurls our problems into the sea, makes a way through them, or allows us to endure them as He gives us His peace and grace – we don’t know.

But we can know that He will rise to the occasion in the way that’s best for each of us. Then we can also sing with Israel: “This is my God, and I will praise Him!”

13892043_10153563195846895_2571649386299648841_n

Lens #1

Last week, I once again took Aaron to his yearly eye exam. Doctor visits are always an adventure with Aaron. Waiting for the doctor to come into the exam room is also a test of my patience. Aaron stretches and wants to lay down.

Or he eyes the tempting equipment and tools that the doctor uses, trying to pick them up and test them out before I tell him to stop.

IMG_1081_HEVC_Moment

As I sat with Aaron last week and watched him during the exam, I was reminded of the following post from a couple years ago. This was such a funny moment for me! Here is what I wrote:

I took Aaron to his yearly eye exam today. God bless Aaron’s eye doctor. Next week I’ll be saying, “God bless Aaron’s dental hygienist,” but today all blessings go his eye doctor and to the staff. Oh, Aaron isn’t mean. He just has a very difficult time understanding what the doctor needs from him…..how to express what he is seeing or not seeing clearly…..opening his eyes wide…..not leaning back from every instrument that comes toward his eyes…..things like that. There was one very funny interchange, though, during the exam. You know how the doctor wants you to tell which lens helps you to see the letters on the wall the clearest.

Dr. Nelson: Aaron, is number one better? Or number two?

Aaron: Number one.

Dr. Nelson: OK. Now which is better? Number three, or number four?

Aaron: Number one.

Dr. Nelson: Let’s try again. Number three, or number four?

Aaron: The first one.

Dr. Nelson: You mean number three….here…..or number four…..here.

Aaron: Number one.

Dr. Nelson: Let’s try these. Number five, or number six.

Aaron: The first one.

Dr. Nelson: Let’s try number seven…..

Aaron: Number one.

Dr. Nelson: OK, let’s not do numbers anymore. Is this one better, or this one better?

Aaron: Number one.

HaHaHaHa!!!!!! How I wanted to belly laugh!! I do believe that number one was the winner, don’t you??!! 😎😵🤣

However accurate Lens #1 was, Aaron was sure that this was the lens he liked the best. He didn’t waver one bit from that determination.

I’ve been thinking about this as I look at my own life, and the lives of many that I know and love.

Through what lens am I looking at my life?

I just ran upstairs to be with Aaron as he had another seizure today. I’m thankful he was lying down, so there was no falling and no injuries. But his seizures, especially after all these years, are serious and scary. As we get older, and as Aaron gets older, Gary and I do wonder about our future and his future.

In the past days, I have communicated with family and friends who are enduring all kinds of trials. Two with aggressive and serious forms of cancer, out of the blue. Tragic family issues. Separation. Divorce. Friends who just bought a house and now he lost his job, literally overnight with no warning. Lots of chronic health issues with no end in sight.

So much suffering! And the way that I view suffering depends upon which lens I choose to look through.

I know the lens I NEED to be using. I need to focus on the God that I know and on His word that He has given me. I may be rattled and shaken, but my focus will be sharp if I’m looking to God. My faith is in and on Him when I look to Him…not disrupted by all the suffering around me that I or others are enduring.

It’s like Aaron’s eye exam. I need to realize that lens #2 or lens #3 are not right for me.

Fear is not a lens God wants me to use when viewing my circumstances, or the circumstances of those I love. Neither is anger…or worry…or a host of other responses that are all too common for me.

I know that when I have my eyes off God, life becomes blurry. I lose focus. I lose peace. I lose hope.

I need to go back to lens #1, for sure!!!

The best way for me to keep my focus is to go to my Bible…to read God’s promises and let His words soak into my mind and my heart.

My parent’s favorite Bible passage is perfect for me to use in keeping my focus:

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore

we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains

slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the

mountains quake at its swelling pride. (Psalm 46:1-3)

God told us we would have suffering and trouble on this earth. But He also has promised to be our very present help, our strength and our refuge, no matter what carnage is around us. He is a loving Father who takes care of His children.

This is the focus I need. God is the focus I need.

God is my lens #1.

I love the old hymn, The Solid Rock. Look at verses 2 and 3:

When darkness veils His lovely face,

I rest on His unchanging grace;

In every high and stormy gale,

My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,

Support me in the whelming flood;

When all around my soul gives way,

He then is all my hope and stay.

On Christ the solid rock I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand,

All other ground is sinking sand.

index

A Girlfriend

Tears stung my eyes one night last week as I listened to Aaron suddenly tell me about how much he loved his friend, N. Oh, he’s talked about N for a long time. Sometimes she’s his good friend…sometimes she’s his antagonist. She is a fellow client at Paradigm, Aaron’s day program, and they have known each other for years.

Aaron’s developmental delays due to his autism and seizures have prohibited him from having some of the normal joys of life that our other two children have enjoyed. He’s not able to drive. Holding down a job would be very difficult for him. Responsibilities that they have assumed as they have become independent have not been possible for Aaron.

Aaron has always had a pretty simple view of life. He’s never seemed to really mind not moving on in life as Andrea and Andrew have. It’s actually a blessing that he doesn’t have those desires. He’s very happy to live as he does.

Yet when Andrea and Kyle started dating, we saw another side of Aaron beginning to show. It was a combination of jealousy over Kyle’s relationship with Andrea, whom he dearly loves, and resentment. But was there resentment over Kyle taking Andrea away? Or resentment over Andrea and Kyle having something that he did not have?

Two years ago, Aaron went with Gary and me to see Andrea in Houston. This trip had the different dynamic of Kyle now being in the family picture. He and Andrea were not engaged yet, but we all knew that they would be someday.

WP_20170704_21_41_55_Pro

On one hot Texas afternoon, Kyle was showing us around Galveston. We walked in the historic district, going into quaint shops and enjoying the sights before heading to dinner and the beach.

WP_20170702_18_25_06_Pro

Aaron, however, was in a very foul mood. And when Aaron is in a foul mood, no one is in a good mood.

WP_20170702_18_29_05_Pro

Aaron didn’t want ice cream. Aaron didn’t want candy.

WP_20170702_18_26_53_Pro

Aaron didn’t want to look at old architecture.

WP_20170702_18_57_57_Pro

Aaron didn’t want to have his picture taken.

WP_20170702_19_32_58_Pro

It was miserable. WE were miserable! He kept saying, “I just want to go out to eat and go to that lake!” A really big lake, by the way.

In the parking garage, as we walked to our car, Aaron finally had enough. With pent-up anger, as I tried to walk with him and cheer him up, he blurted out: “Well, Andrea and Kyle are going to get married!! Why can’t I get married??!!”

There it was…a glimpse into Aaron’s feelings and into his heart. And there I was, with no words to console him. What could I even have said to make him feel better?

In the following months, Aaron brought up the girlfriend and marriage subject more and more often. He was putting two and two together, and there were some uncomfortable moments.

“Mom,” he said one day, “I want a girlfriend.”

“Oh, Aaron,” I answered. “I understand that, but you don’t really need a girlfriend. Just be happy to be friends.”

“But you were a girlfriend to Dad, right?” he asked.

Oh dear! Busted!!

“Well, yes, I was,” I uncomfortably answered.

“What was it like?” he continued.

“Ummmm,” I struggled, “it was special.”

“I want to be special,” he said.

My heart!! What does a parent do with this side of their special-needs child?! No doctor or medicine or therapy can fill the normal void of my son wanting to be loved in the way that I had just described as being special!

As Andrea and Kyle became engaged and we planned their wedding, Aaron was resentful. He didn’t even try to hide it. And on the day that we told him about their engagement, he went outside and did his thing in the mulch, alone, as he crumbled mulch and I watched him out the window…my heart crumbling, as well.

WP_20171210_15_34_37_Pro

Gary and I have tried to be honest with him as he’s asked more than once about why he can’t get married. I mean, could he marry one day? But then we’re reminded of the very answers we give to Aaron when he brings up the subject.

We tell him he needs a job…that he would need to live somewhere else with his wife…be able to pay his bills…that there would be her medical issues and his medical issues…

And we feel mean to tell him these things.

Yet that IS the reality of Aaron’s life. Reality can’t be sugar coated in an effort to make Aaron feel better.

Or in an effort to make us feel better, as well. Letting Aaron marry would bring to our doorstep a host of issues that we do not even want to think about.

On that night last week, after Aaron and I had watched a rather emotional episode of the series we’re watching, instead of hurrying out of his chair he instead started talking.

“Mom,” he began. “I love N, and she says she loves me. When I come in Paradigm, she says hi to me. She wants me to sit beside her, and she holds my hand. That makes me happy. It makes me feel good.”

The sincerity in his voice and his sudden cascade of words stopped me from moving off the couch. His rushing words and his emotion also stopped me from brushing off what he was saying. Instead, I sat there and looked at him as he talked. He continued.

“Ever since first grade,” he said, “I wanted a girlfriend. No one ever wanted to be my girlfriend until N.”

It was hard not to smile, and also hard not to cry. In fact, my eyes did fill with tears, which Aaron really dislikes.

“Are you crying?!” he asked. But when I told him I was, a little, he didn’t even get upset. He just kept talking about N…about how he wanted her to be his girlfriend…and how no one else wanted to be her friend.

His relationship with N is complicated. She is complicated and Aaron is complicated, and there are many issues. N uses Aaron, trying to take his money and his food and all his time. She gets angry, and sometimes makes Aaron cry. Yet Aaron defends her most of the time, particularly when she talks him into giving her his money.

Aaron reminded me of the day that I had recently called Barb about N taking some of his money. Aaron gets very angry when I do that. He said the most amazing thing that night.

“Mom, when you called Barb about N taking my money, you messed up the boyfriend/girlfriend option!”

Where on earth did he come up with that?! And how on earth did I not break down laughing?!

A few weeks ago, as I drove Aaron to Paradigm, this is what he said:

“Mom, N asked me to marry her. On accident, I put it too far and I said yes!”

Again, I was laughing inside but knew that on the outside Aaron needed my understanding. Thankfully, his “putting it too far” did not end up in a commitment of any kind. But sometimes, in his heart, I know he wants to have this taste of a normal life even though he has no idea at all about what it would mean.

But Gary and I know what it would mean, and we know it can’t happen. It makes me a little sadder for Aaron when he does talk about it. Yet I think of the reality of what would happen if we said yes to this grand idea, and I’m jerked back to THAT reality and know that it can’t be a part of Aaron’s life.

God continues to give us grace and to soothe my heart when I hurt for Aaron. And I’m very thankful that He gives us the strength to not “put it too far,” and say yes!!

I’m thankful, too, that God isn’t too far from us in any of this. He knows and understands, and His promise to be near the brokenhearted is always true!

	Patty hesaidwhatks on …
	Patty hesaidwhatks on Clinging
	Patty hesaidwhatks on …
	Patty hesaidwhatks on What Mountain?
	Nancy Ruegg on What Mountain?