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Lessons From the New Roof

When we moved into this house, it had a shake roof. An old shake roof, weathered and beaten. At least it looked weathered and beaten, but it passed the house inspection. Gary kept a close eye on it for the following years, especially after every hail storm. He patched a place here and a spot there. The roof held, though, so we were thankful for that and went on with life under our shake roof.

One day, though, we saw an ugly spot on our bedroom ceiling. It was a water mark, without doubt, so we had no doubt that our shake roof finally had succumbed to the latest hail or wind storm and needed to be replaced. The insurance adjustor came out and looked everything over, including the water mark on our ceiling. However, he said that the roof generally looked fine so he would recommend that the insurance pay to repair some individual spots that needed new shake shingles. We were disappointed, but what could we do except leave the decision in the hands of our insurance company.

On a Saturday morning as Gary and I worked outside, the phone rang and so Gary stood in the garage talking. I could tell that it was our insurance company, and I could also tell that Gary was happy about whatever it was they were saying. He hung up and told me the good news. Our insurance company had decided to just replace our entire roof! And not only to replace it, but their policy was to give the owner the price it would cost to replace the roof with the same kind of roof. Now a shake roof is expensive. Gary and I had decided that we wanted, someday, a composite roof, for many reasons other than price. Gary told our insurance man that we weren’t getting a shake roof, but he said it didn’t matter. Policy was policy, so we were given more money than we needed for our new composite roof. Wow! The extra money went toward a much needed bathroom remodel. We were so thankful for this extra blessing! We got a new roof and a new bathroom to boot!

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I’ve been slowly reading through the book of Nehemiah. This morning as I started the last chapter of this wonderful book, a phrase just jumped out at me. The people of Israel were reading aloud to the assembly from the book of Moses. They were reminded of how the Ammonites and Moabites, many years ago when the Israelites were in the wilderness, had treated God’s people so badly. In fact, the king of Moab had paid their prophet Balaam to speak a curse against the Israelites. Perhaps the best known part of this story is about Balaam’s donkey, whom God spoke through to Balaam. It’s an interesting and funny story from Numbers 22. But what was so meaningful to me today was that little phrase in Nehemiah 13, at the end of verse 2, as the people were reminded of the story of Balaam.

“HOWEVER, OUR GOD TURNED THE CURSE INTO A BLESSING.”

What a precious reminder these few words were to me today! So many times we have things happen to us that seem to be a curse, in a sense. Hard things……difficult to understand on many levels. Things out of our control, like the hail and the wind that beat on our old roof. And even when we might see some reason or make some sense of it, the answers still don’t fully come. We may get a small amount of partial relief here and there, but not really be able to escape the pain and the mess that we find ourselves confronting.

Paul reminded us that “all things work together for good,” though. He didn’t say that good things happen all the time. They don’t. But whatever does happen to us as believers is under the sovereign allowance of God, and we can be sure that it WILL all work together for good. We may not even see the good this side of heaven, or feel like any of it is working out for good at all. But God has His policies, so to speak……just like our insurance company. And His policies are clearly stated: He WILL turn a curse into a blessing!! He WILL work all the things in our lives out for GOOD!!

Someday, even if it’s not until heaven, we WILL be able to look at all the stuff that has happened in our lives and then voice that big “HOWEVER!”

HOWEVER, OUR GOD TURNED THE CURSE INTO A BLESSING!

Don’t lose hope! Don’t lose focus!

God comes through on our side, for our good, every single time!!

 

 

The Wonder of Me…..And Aaron…..And Lots of Things

I went to pick Aaron up at his day group on Thursday afternoon. I waited in the van for a couple minutes, then saw Barb coming toward me. I knew before I really knew that this probably wasn’t going to be good news. I was right. She told me that Aaron was inside after having a very rough afternoon and that he was refusing to come outside. I went in and we found Aaron laying on one of the couches, crying and very upset. After some time, and moving to a new couch where he laid down again, he told the story of how he had acted……which often starts with him thinking he’s teasing but turns ugly pretty quickly. One thing led to another and the situation became something it never needed to be.

How we wish that Aaron understood that his idea of teasing is often anything but. How we wish he could control himself when he is being redirected. All the talking and lectures and therapy in the world doesn’t seem to sink in. Maybe a little, but not as much as needed. He just doesn’t connect actions and repercussions like you and I do. Reading about the autistic brain……writing about the autistic brain…….saying that I understand the autistic brain as much as I can…….often doesn’t mean as much as it should when I’m staring at my belligerent son, hearing of his actions and trying to control my own embarrassment and anger.

Aaron is often immensely funny, but Aaron is also sometimes immensely frustrating. Thursday fell into the last category.

Aaron is seeing a family therapist every two weeks. This is a new thing for him. I had high hopes that as much as he loves to talk, he would really take to this and love talking to her. It hasn’t quite worked out that way. If she just let him talk about his things, like aliens and movies and games and eating out, then he would probably look forward to it. But he realizes that she wants to talk about his issues……how he’s doing at Paradigm and at home with relationships and anger and attitudes. To Aaron, this is uncomfortable and a waste of time, so he hasn’t been enjoying their sessions like I had hoped.

This past Tuesday she gave him a paper on which she had drawn a large stoplight. The green light means that he is doing good, so keep going. The yellow light means that he is starting to feel some frustration, so he needs to be cautious. The red light means that he is having a meltdown full of anger. At the end of the day, he is to mark what kind of day he has had…..green, yellow, or red.

Aaron didn’t want to take the paper home from her office. Then he told me several times that he thought the paper was stupid. I left it alone on Tuesday night, but on Wednesday night I told him before bed that it was time to mark his stop light with what kind of day he had. I felt like Wednesday had been a green day, so I thought he would be happy to mark the green light. But when I told him to get his paper and mark it, he crossed his arms and told me that he had hidden the paper.

Oh boy.

After some talking, he finally got down on his hands and knees, and pulled the paper out from under his bed. He rolled his eyes as he put a mark on the green light, the mark I thought would make him happy. Then he picked up the paper and as we stood there talking before saying good night, he crumpled that paper some in his hand. He was simmering, I knew it.

So after his meltdown Thursday at Paradigm, and a rather rough evening at home during Skip-Bo as I tried to talk to him, he went upstairs at my direction and brought down the stop light paper so that he could mark it. I knew that he needed to put a mark on the red light, and he knew that, too.

He came down to the kitchen table with his paper, and this was what he laid on the table.

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Well, so much for that idea. How many times I say that when we try something new with Aaron!

So often it’s back to square one with Aaron. We rarely feel like we pass go and collect our $200.00. I know there are times in his life when he needs to pull back and reboot, so on Friday I let him stay at home. He went grocery shopping with me, helping me at the store and helping me carry in the groceries at home. We went to see Jungle Book, run more errands, and get him a sub for supper. We watched a little TV in the evening. It was a pleasant, fun day for both of us.

Aaron found an Elvis CD that he wanted when we were shopping together at the first of the week. He’s been completely fascinated with the songs and with Elvis all week as we’ve listened to the CD while driving. He’s been hilarious with some of the things that he has said about Elvis, like how his voice is “jiggly” and his dancing is “rowdy.”

So on Thursday, meltdown day, Aaron turned on the Elvis CD in the van. The second song that played just left me pretty stunned and with a huge lump in my throat. “The Wonder of You.” Look at the lyrics for the first part of this song:

When no one else can understand me.

              When everything I do is wrong.

              You give me hope and consolation,

              You give me strength to carry on.

 

              And you’re always there to lend a hand

              In everything I do.

              That’s the wonder, the wonder of you.

 

Aaron has decided that he loves this song. It’s uncanny. This song that speaks volumes to me about what kind of mother I need to be with Aaron has become a very special song to him as well. It’s not for the reasons that it’s meaningful to me, either, because I’ve had him tell me why he likes it so much. But he’s played it over and over since Thursday. We even listened to it with Gary at supper last night.

I really do want to be this kind of mother in Aaron’s life. Sometimes he’s certainly hard to understand and he does a lot wrong, but I pray that I will give him hope and consolation, strength and a helping hand.

Honestly, many times, I don’t feel like I’m a wonder. I feel more like I’m left wondering…..wondering what to do, wondering what’s going on, wondering how I can stay calm…..

I could go on for a long time about some of the ways that I wonder.

But Aaron needs me to be there for him despite the wondering and the frustrations, the tiredness and the seeming dead ends that we end up taking. He’s taking a nap right now and just had a seizure. He needs me physically, too.

But he needs me the most when, like the first part of the song says, no one else understands him and everything he does is wrong. I know he’s frustrated by those times more than we are.

All moms can relate to what I am saying, and especially moms of special needs kids and adults understand it all too well.

Aaron will probably never look at me and say, “Wow, Mom! You’ve meant so much to me. You’re a wonder!”

Just reading that makes me laugh. I’d faint if he said that and probably get hurt, so it’s just as well that he doesn’t say it, right?

But I will keep striving to BE that in Aaron’s life…..pick him up, understand as best I can, hold his hand (figuratively speaking, because he doesn’t hold hands much ), and give him strength and consolation.

But trust me, I know me, and I know that at the end of some of our days I’ll still be saying, “Yes, I’m a wonder! I’m a-wondering how on earth we both made it to the end of this day alive and in one piece!!”

And tomorrow’s a new day!

             

Lessons From the Threatening Storm

Let’s keep our eyes on the One Who sent the storm and trust Him for the outcome.

Patty hesaidwhatks's avatarHe Said What?!

Gary and I are preparing for a huge backyard project that requires us to remove our fence. Gary doesn’t have much time for this kind of outdoor work, so the extended daylight in the evening has been a help. All day yesterday the weather was perfect, though a little windy. Yet I was reading on the weather information on-line, or hearing on the local news, that we might get some storms in the evening. You’d never know it to look outside, I thought. Such a sunny day it was!

Gary came home from work and we sat down for supper, as we always do. This time together is very special – time to enjoy dinner, talk about our day, and just relax with each other. But looking outside, we noticed some gathering dark clouds on the horizon. A few minutes later we heard a low, distant rumble of thunder. Knowing…

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Monopoly On a Scrabble Board

I have a dear friend, Joyce, who has two sons with special needs. They each have significant special needs. Joyce is someone that I admire very much. I know she couldn’t handle all that she does apart from God’s grace. One day over lunch, she said the most profound thing to me. We were discussing some of the unusual ways that our boys function in their daily lives, and how we must function as their moms.

Joyce said, “It’s like playing Monopoly on a Scrabble board.”

That’s just one of the best descriptions I have ever heard about living with a child with autism, or many other developmental issues.

How on earth DO you play Monopoly on a Scrabble board?!! At first glance, I might say that you DON’T!! But as parents of our special children, we must. We have to be creative……flexible……think outside the box……and be very patient when all the pieces just don’t fit.

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The bottom line is this……we just don’t have a choice. So we take the Scrabble board and figure out our version of Monopoly, often writing the rules as we make the plays……and changing the ones that don’t work.

Aaron has been doing so well lately that I’ve felt like I’m mostly playing Monopoly on a Monopoly board. Imagine that!!

Oh, we always have our Aaron moments because that’s just how it is. But he’s been unusually happy and kind lately, both at home and at his day group. He’s even wanted to help more around the house, including in the kitchen.

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There are mornings that he hasn’t wanted to go to his day group, just like we don’t always want to get up and face our day. One morning he was getting upset about having to go to Paradigm, saying that he just doesn’t have a good time there.

“But Aaron,” I countered, “every time I pick you up, you say you had a good time.”

Not missing a beat, Aaron replied, “Well, the next time you pick me up, I’m gonna say I DIDN’T have a good time!!”

So there!!

He didn’t see my smile as he huffed out of the room. He ended up going that morning and having a good day, by the way.

This past Friday, however, was just the reverse. He left the house happily. We enjoyed listening to our oldies on the way to Paradigm. He was looking forward to some shopping and pizza at the end of the day, after I picked him up.

I pulled up to Paradigm and saw him sitting outside with his friends. His face was red and he was minus his glasses. I just knew…..and I was right. It had been a meltdown day for Aaron, and who knows why? He had broken his glasses….again…..but thankfully this time I was able to pop the lens back in. His staff was talking to me as Aaron sat in the van beside me, red faced from crying. So instead of shopping we just went to get his pizza and then head straight home, where we continued to sort out what had happened. His behaviors were wrong on several levels, and dealing with it would take a long time, I knew.

Hand me the Scrabble board.

And that rule book that I’m working on, continually.

Yesterday we took a walk in Swanson Park, stopping at the recycling bins on our way. The bins were full, so we couldn’t drop our things off then. We enjoyed the park, the fresh air and sunshine, and the deer that we saw. Aaron had a good time, despite complaining of a sore throat.

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Last night at bedtime I told Aaron that we might get some rain, and maybe some thunder and lightning. Aaron loves rain and he loves storms. He followed me up the hall after I delivered the hopeful storm news to him.

“What time?” he asked.

I told him that I didn’t know what time the rain or storms would come, but that if it happened, it would be later. As in not this very minute.

“Like when?” he asked.

I repeated that I didn’t know just when.

“Will it be later?” he continued asking.

Deep sigh……which he totally didn’t notice.

“Yes,” I affirmed. “The rain and possible storms could be later.”

I hoped to finally be finished.

Aaron followed me still.

“So we might not hear it?” he wondered.

The Scrabble board! Where’s the Scrabble board?!

Today Aaron is home with his cold. He is home with me, snorting because he doesn’t blow his nose.

I am re-reading the Monopoly on the Scrabble board rules about patience.

I was in the bathroom. Aaron stood on the other side of the door, happy because he had asked if we could try the recycling bins again. I had said yes, and had also told him that we would run an errand as well while we were out. Aaron sees all sorts of possibilities in the word “errand.” Most of which are in the form of food.

So there he was outside my bathroom door.

“Mom?” he began. “Are we going to recycle?”

“Yes,” I answered. “I said we’ll run an errand and do the recycling later.”

“What do you mean later?” he asked.

I wilted a little.

“Just later,” I replied.

A moment of silence.

“So what time?” he asked.

A Scrabble board in every room is what I need, with all the Monopoly pieces. Certainly in every area of life with Aaron.

 

 

This Is My Friend

Years ago a visiting couple walked into a local church here in Wichita, sliding into a pew near the back. Having a long history of working with special needs, the husband was amused to see a young man sitting in front of them with his grandmother……a young man with special needs.

“They follow us everywhere,” Scott whispered to his wife, Atha. They chuckled, and after the service Atha struck up a conversation with this grandmother. Of course she did. That was classic Atha, friendly and warm. And this grandmother couldn’t wait to find me.

“Patty!” she said. “I met a couple who were visiting here for the first time. They have a background of ministry with special needs. I’ve got to introduce you!!”

So at the first opportunity, she did just that. Atha and I talked and talked the first Sunday that we met, making plans to get together soon for a coke and more conversation. We met at Spangles one afternoon soon after, and as they say……the rest is history. We clicked. We understood one another. We were on our way to a great friendship.

Over the next couple years, Atha achieved her life’s dream of being awarded her PhD. I was so proud of her, though I had gotten in on the action late in her life and late in her dream. It was only as the years went by that I learned more and more of the sacrifice and grit that went into Atha achieving this goal. She had put this part of her life on hold as she mothered their three children, but all along she was very active in the world of teaching special needs and writing Sunday School curriculum for special needs for the Southern Baptist Sunday School Board. She taught students; she taught teachers; and she taught me.

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Atha taught me lots about special needs as we worked together trying to establish that ministry in our church. She taught me lots about how to teach students with special needs. She taught me lots about my own son, Aaron, although she was always quick to point out that I was the expert when it came to Aaron.

But what Atha taught me the most was what it was like to have a friend who loved unconditionally…….who stuck with me through good and bad…….who was there for me no matter how busy and complicated her own life was.

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Her phone calls were regular and so welcomed, no matter what all she had on her to-do list. Our lunch dates were refreshing to me on so many levels. And every June we made sure that on our schedules we placed a very important lunch date……one at which we celebrated our birthdays. Atha’s birthday was June 15 and mine was June 18, so we would try to celebrate close to both of those dates. I would pay for Atha’s lunch, and Atha would pay for my lunch, and we would laugh and laugh.

 

Atha took my family as her own. Not only did she take Gary and our children into her heart, as did Scott, but she also grew to love our extended families. It didn’t matter that they were clear across the country in the mountains of West Virginia and North Carolina. She grew to know and love each one as if she had been a part of their lives forever.

Atha loved human beings and the stories that each person carried. She loved telling stories….she loved hearing my stories…..and she loved all the stories of the hundreds of people that she took the time to know and care for over the years.

A favorite quote from Atha tells so much about her: “Successful leadership begins with how you treat others. I challenge you to find time to be kind today.”

Atha definitely followed her own advice. No matter how busy she was as she worked to start her ADHD coaching business; taught college courses in multiple places; conducted seminars for teachers; and so many other activities……she still had time for those phone calls and visits. Time to keep in touch with me, to love me, and to be there for me no matter what. To teach me one of her most unforgettable lessons – to be established in my purpose.  https://hesaidwhatks.wordpress.com/2016/03/09/my-purpose-2/

Atha and I started going to different churches three years ago. We truly missed each other on Sundays. But I would often get a text from Atha on Sunday. “Are you worshipping?” she would ask. Or after church, she would ask what songs we sang. She and I would compare songs, and talk about what they had meant to us. Sometimes she would even text during her worship service to say, “We are singing Great is Thy Faithfulness!” That was our favorite song, one which encouraged each of us so much. We would talk about the sermons we had heard, and Atha would ask what I had learned. Ever the teacher. Ever concerned.

Atha began having some significant health issues last fall. On Dec. 26, I got a text from her son, Kyle, telling me that they were taking Atha to the ER. The day was very grey, cold, and icy…..just like my heart felt as I worried about her all that day. It was discovered that in addition to some other issues that had plagued Atha’s body, she had also recently suffered a stroke. I was shocked when I first saw her in the hospital. How sick and tired and old she looked!

On one of my visits to the hospital to see her, two CNAs came in the room to clean her. I sat behind the curtain as they worked. Soon, in typical Atha fashion, she looked at the young man and said, “Young man, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?” He stammered around for an answer, not expecting such a question from this little sick woman. I just smiled. He didn’t know my Atha. She then proceeded to instruct him on setting goals and achieving them. I bet he never forgets her.

Weeks went by, with Atha sometimes rebounding and giving hope that she would recover, only to be followed by a downward turn. She would fluctuate between rehab centers and the hospital. On some of my visits with her, she would talk in her special way….slowly and with difficulty, but still like her old self.

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“What do you know today, Patty?” she would ask. She didn’t want to talk about herself, but I felt guilty talking about me and my family and my issues, so small compared to hers. But that was Atha, always concerned for me above all of her own cares.

One day in the rehab center, she was very vacant. I was worried. I couldn’t get her to engage in conversation and she seemed far away. A therapist came over to her and asked Atha to tell her who I was. Atha looked up, brightened, and said, “This is my friend, Patty Moore.” Just like she always used to do.

On Monday, March 21, I sat by Atha’s bed at the hospital. She wasn’t doing well at all, but we still hoped for a full recovery. She kept her eyes closed, but she often did that. She didn’t talk. I opened my little Bible and held it up close as I read her some Psalms. Every little bit Atha would quietly say, “Amen.” That was all. Then she asked me to pray for Jesus to heal her, so I did. And before I left, I told her I loved her, my friend. And she said she loved me, too.

On Thursday, Sarah got the call about end of life issues and hospice. No one could believe it was happening. I spent part of that evening with them at the hospital. Before I left, I leaned down to my mostly unresponsive Atha. I said some things to her, and then I told her that she would always be my dear friend. Very softly, she spoke to me. One word.

“Friend,” she said.

Atha was moved to hospice late that night. I saw her on Friday and on Saturday, where a little twitch of her mouth was the only response she gave me. On Easter morning, a gloriously beautiful morning with a soft snow and bright sunlight, Atha went to heaven. How significant that her home going was on Easter! Atha always knew how to do things right.

This morning, a couple walked into a local church here in Wichita and slipped into a pew near the back. They were dreading this day. He put his arm around her as she fought the tears that were forming. Gary and I were here for Atha and for Scott, like they had always been present for us. But I just never dreamed it would be in this way. Never in a million years.

Many people were in that church this morning to honor Atha. As part of the service, people were given time to tell their stories of Atha…..of how they knew her…..of what she meant to them…..of how she had impacted their lives. She would have loved the stories, even though they were about her. She did love hearing and telling stories, after all. It was wonderful to hear just a small sample of how she had blessed and helped so many.

I’ll always treasure the many Atha stories I have tucked away in my memory and in my heart. Too many to tell here, that’s for sure. But suffice it to say that the best thing that Atha could ever have said to me is the last thing she ever said to me.

Friend.

And with that, I am beyond blessed.

This is my friend, Atha McNay.

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The Detour

Aaron and I were in Dillon’s last week, where I told him to pick out some items for his Friday snack bag. I usually have his goodie bag all ready for him when he comes home on Friday but this week had been full of unexpected things that had made it impossible for me to have his bag done beforehand. He never minds picking out the items himself even though he also loves it when his bag is full of surprises. His treat bag is a reward for a week well done by Aaron…..or at least done, sometimes not all too well.

Better behaviors = bigger bag. Or so that’s how it was meant to go. Like his former teacher, Mr. Z, used to say – “Sometimes you have to make it worth his while.”

Aaron, ever the clever one, sometimes calls it bargaining. Nothing much slips by his awareness.

Anyway, it’s fun to give him something to look forward to and to work for at the end of his week. On this particular Friday, he had already walked fast and eagerly toward the bakery aisle where he knew there would be a container of croissants waiting for him. I gave my permission as he held the treasure up for me to see, but I said no to his hopeful request for TWO packages as he held up the second one for me to approve. Aaron just laughed, not at all surprised to be vetoed on that one, and then he lunged past the meat section toward the candy aisle……but not before stopping to loudly point out the lobster and shrimp like he always does. I could really just have a recording of my comments as we walk through the store on most days. He’s so predictable in many ways. In other ways, not so much.

Aaron turned left down the candy aisle, seeming oblivious to the sample lady standing nearby. This pleasant young lady had my attention, though, so I stopped at her little table to acknowledge her offer. I was distracted for a short time with little Twizzler samples and water flavor enhancers, chatting away as I am prone to do. We finished our brief conversation, said “Have a good day!” with our smiles…..and I noticed that her eyes darted down the candy aisle that was just behind us and her smile grew even larger.

I turned around and instantly knew why as she said, “Looks like he’s found some candy!” There was Aaron, getting down and personal with the Starburst Jelly Beans.

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And there was a man coming right toward him, pushing his cart and just looking at Aaron. I’m used to Aaron sitting down in store aisles when I’m not there to tell him no, but I imagine this man wasn’t at all sure of what was happening here. I was telling Aaron to stand up, but Aaron doesn’t stand up quickly from a sitting position…..and it’s quite a sight to see when he does……so now this man just swerved around Aaron and gave me a kind smile as he passed us.

I smiled back, thankful that he didn’t scowl or stare awkwardly.

At times like this I just need to have a sign that I can hold high. A sign that in bold letters says – DETOUR!!!

Aaron is truly completely clueless that he has done something a little strange or that he is disruptive. We face these moments constantly in his life. It’s just who Aaron is, and it’s who we must be as well.

We often must take a different route to our destination with Aaron, and hope that we arrive there…..and in one piece. What worked for our other two children didn’t work with Aaron and often still doesn’t. When our children were younger there were many moments of frustration from them as they tried to understand their unusual brother. They both went through times of questioning, as did Gary and I, about why Aaron acted the way he did. Even after the diagnosis of autism, we still struggled to understand what made Aaron tick.

There were times that Andrea and Andrew thought that Gary and I didn’t discipline enough. That we gave in too much. That we let Aaron have his way too often. Now that they are adults, things have settled down a lot and they really do understand their brother. They love him to pieces. It just takes time, education, and a little maturity to come to grips with a brother who can be disruptive and annoying……and super embarrassing in public!

We could be rolling right along in life and before we knew it…..DETOUR!!

A detour because of Aaron’s behaviors or actions…..a time we were forced to recalibrate…..to try to understand and to work through a situation. Or to be uber patient or thick skinned, despite the red on our faces or the words we wanted to say but couldn’t…..to Aaron or to insensitive others.

After all these years, when I turn and see Aaron sitting on the floor like he did at Dillon’s, it makes me laugh. He does look pretty cute and funny sitting there. I think people now are more aware, too, of these special needs. Their smiles and looks of understanding are more encouraging to us parents than they probably realize.

To you parents of special children, just keep the lines of communication open as much as possible with your other kids. Let them vent without judgment. Understand that age, hormones, peer pressure, and so many other things weigh into their reactions to their special sibling. Things WILL settle down with time. And in the meantime, try to spend some one-on-one time with your children, a time where they know they can safely talk to you and that you will have empathy.

And remember that we often have to take a detour, going around issues in a different way than we normally would, because that’s just how life is in their world……and we can’t change that.

Later Aaron shared some of his jelly beans with me. That’s the way it is. Understanding and love lead to sharing and sweetness.

Sticky and germy sometimes, but still it’s sharing, done Aaron’s way.

The DETOUR way.

Pictures of Kindness

Aaron has a kind side to him that we love to see. He’s always liked to share things that he has, including money, which we discourage. Lately I’ve been sending him to his day group with baggies of baby carrot sticks, pepper strips, gum, or something else along that line. He then will sit with his friends and share his food, hopefully satisfying his sharing urge without also giving away his money.

Aaron was so sweet over the weekend here at home. He knew that my friend, Atha, was not expected to live long. He was concerned about that, more than we usually see over those things. He asked about it several times. Then after I returned from the hospital and we watched Wheel of Fortune on Saturday, he held his hand out to me on the couch and said, “Here!” I held out my hand, not showing him my reluctance, and he dropped two very sticky jelly beans onto my palm. Therein lay my reluctance……sticky, germy, well-handled jelly beans. But I didn’t think too long…..didn’t give myself time to chicken out. I just thrust that candy in my mouth and thanked him broadly. Gulp!!

Later he sincerely wanted to give me even more jelly beans, so he got out a bowl…..of course!…..and poured a few of his prized jelly beans in the huge bowl, handing it to me proudly. Such kindness once again! And at least this time the candy wasn’t man handled first, but came straight out of the bag. Relief!

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As I watched basketball soon after the jelly bean gift, Aaron came downstairs with his favorite soft blanket. He proceeded to offer it to me, and once again I didn’t refuse. I just sat still while he placed the blanket over my legs, pulling it just so and making sure that my feet were covered. Sweetness!

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Last night, again while I watched basketball, he gave Gary and I each a piece of his favorite Big Red gum.  He knew that Atha had gone to heaven that morning.  He had seen me earlier, with tears on my face, and instead of calling me a cry baby like he usually does in his discomfort with emotion, he instead gave me a piece of gum. Empathy…….rarely seen!

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This morning Aaron wasn’t too happy about going to his day group. Sometimes Mondays are that way for him, just like they are for many when it comes to ending a fun weekend. I was afraid of a real meltdown this morning when I heard Aaron’s back scratcher go sailing up the hall floor. Aaron had thrown it. Oh dear, I thought.

A little talk and a little time helped. I cleaned his glasses like usual as I listened to him complain one more time, but not as energetically as before. And once I told him that we could take Jackson with us, all doubt was gone. Happy Aaron was ready to go!

Once at Paradigm, Aaron ran inside while I got Jackson ready to be swamped by Aaron’s friends. His collar and leash in place, Jackson hopped out of the van and enjoyed all the petting and exclamations that usually happen when he’s being adored. But Aaron wasn’t totally happy until he made sure that his very special friend was able to be wheeled out in her chair. “S” was all smiles and even talked to me about big old Jackson as I made sure that Jackson was right where she could see and touch him.

Soon we were back in the van, Jackson and I, and Aaron’s group began walking the few blocks to the nearest Quik Trip. I looked as I drove away and what I saw warmed my heart, so I snuck into a parking lot and waited for the group to pass by. This first picture shows the main group.

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Look who came at the end. Sorry for the poor quality of these pictures.

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There was Aaron, walking with “S” and one of his favorite staff, Antoine. Aaron just loves “S” and another girl at his day group, both in wheel chairs. This act of kindness, Aaron walking slower so that he could stay with “S”, just made me very thankful and happy for the kind heart that Aaron really does have.

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Kindness. I just can’t say enough about the importance of that quality in any of us, but especially in big old blustery Aaron, who at times seldom shows concern for anyone other than himself. Emotion and thinking of others is a characteristic that hasn’t usually come easily to Aaron over the years. Expressing those traits is hard for one with autism.

God was good to give me these evidences of Aaron’s heart this past weekend. He was good to allow me to see Aaron, unaware of my presence, showing such kindness to his special friend.

We never know what a day with Aaron will hold. Kindness TO Aaron certainly helps make situations smoother.

Kindness FROM Aaron…..priceless!!

I Held A Butterfly

 

I’ve had a bit of an up-and-down weekend for several reasons – finding myself sometimes nostalgic as I think of Gary’s and my role as parents to our three wonderful children.  It’s been the most fulfilling calling of our lives, that’s for sure.  Sometimes challenging, too, as it is for every parent.  Now Andrea and Andrew have moved to other states as they pursue their own callings at this point in their lives………..Andrea in grad school studying genetics, and Andrew living his dream of working for a professional NHRA drag race team. 

 

And we have life with our special Aaron, still living at home and treating us to his unique view of life every single day………whether we totally relish his unique view or not.  For at times his unique take on life may be funny……..or it may be interesting………..or eye-opening………..or tiring……….or maddening.   But never dull.  Never, ever dull.

 

This morning Aaron followed me outside where I was picking up some small branches and sticks that had blown out of our trees.  Aaron was happy that Jackson was out with us, too, as we said goodbye to Gary when he left for work and I continued to look around the yard for more sticks.  Soon I heard Aaron say, “Mom!  There’s a butterfly!”  I turned around to look and there I saw Aaron holding the butterfly in his hand.  He was looking at this beautiful butterfly with awe, just as a small child would do.  Therefore, I did the same………bending over Aaron’s outstretched hand as we both admired the intricate markings and brilliant colorings of this special little creature.  It’s something I probably would not have been doing on this pretty morning had it not been for Aaron.

 

I’ve been thinking about that a lot today.  Last night Gary and I talked to Andrea for a long time about her thesis research……..about the rapid sequencing machine that she is privileged to be using………about her research being presented to the DOD……….about her research being published…………about where she might apply for her PhD studies in genetics……….and so much more.  Andrea’s very interesting studies have opened up a whole new world to Gary and me.

 

With Andrew, it’s been so much fun to experience the world of professional NHRA racing.  It’s been pretty amazing to get an inside view of this life through visiting him as he worked at the race in Texas and then to talk to him about his new life……….the traveling………the drivers and their crews……the inside stories and insights……….the new things he’s experiencing and learning………watching him on television…….and for us to stand in the winner’s circle in Texas while I got to hold the winning trophy, a Wally, for real!

 

And just this morning, I held a butterfly, for real!   I got to stand in our driveway and have Aaron show me his wonderful butterfly, and then let him gently slide the butterfly into my hand so that I could experience holding him myself.  Aaron was as thrilled with this experience as Andrea is with her research and as Andrew is with his job in the NHRA.  Once again, I am reminded of the importance of perspective in these matters, and of how true this perspective is in so many areas of life.  My attitude, my perspective, makes a huge difference in how I view these matters. 

 

In sharing life with Aaron, the seemingly small things become big and important.  Sometimes that’s a good thing………and sometimes not so good.  But just like I am excited about Andrea’s and Andrew’s accomplishments and their lives, I want to also be excited about Aaron’s……….or at least appreciative of Aaron’s life, and often downright awed……..I hope.

 

This wonder that is Aaron……….it’s in a butterfly in the driveway.

 

It’s in him putting his plastic Halloween rat on the dashboard last night as we drove to Sonic for his milkshake………and him hoping that the cashier would surely notice it!

 

It’s in exuberantly asking if the Buffaloes beat the Chiefs in football.  The Buffaloes?

 

It’s in being very excited to be in Papa Murphy’s as we ordered pizza on Saturday……and instantly picking up the container of red pepper, telling me that he put red pepper on his Target pizza the day before.   “It was full of hotness, Mom!!”

 

It’s in the joy of playing a simple game of Skip-Bo.

 

It’s in him sleeping with Mr. Snake that he took from Andrea’s room.

 

It’s in him meticulously writing down the times that he goes to bed every night and the times that he gets up every morning in his special notebook………even when he’s groggy from a seizure.

 

It’s in the necklace that he made for me and that he loved seeing me wear.

 

It’s in plopping on the floor in the middle of the vet’s office to pet Kato, the resident cat.

 

It’s in wearing his slipper socks AND slippers, even with shorts, and not caring one whit how he looks.

 

It’s in happily buying Gary a treat at the grocery store.

 

It’s in watching Wheel of Fortune………and yes, even with his VERY loud clapping and yelling.

 

It’s in his childish excitement about his upcoming birthday.

 

It’s in his pure delight with anything and everything that is even one iota out of the norm…………and him not knowing that he is just that…..out of the norm – unique and amazing.

 

It’s in his final good night hug……either because it’s so sweet……..or it’s because I’m so tired that the hug makes me that much closer to quiet sleep.

 

It’s that last knock on our bedroom door to check for one last time on the weather………and the outdoor temperature………..and whether it’s going to rain during the night…………..and will there be lightening……….and thunder……….and should he leave his blinds up………and he might not read before bed……..

 

It’s one of many reasons that we lock our bedroom door.

 

But not our hearts.  I hope we never lock our hearts to Aaron and to all that he teaches us and opens our eyes to every single day.

A Million……..A Billion…….

There was a knock on my locked bedroom door yesterday morning as I was getting ready for church.  Of course I knew it was Aaron.  What I didn’t know as I opened the door is that I would find him standing there in his underwear……..and a shirt, thankfully.   “Well, Aaron!” I exclaimed as I turned to walk back in my room.  “You could put some clothes on!” 

“But Mom!” he said.  “It’s 78 degrees outside!  What do you think of that temperature?”  So began my day with Aaron.  He wanted to discuss the outdoor temperature, as he often does, while standing there in his underwear……….and he thought there was nothing odd about this.  What he thought was odd was the fact that Mom was laughing.  What was so funny about the outdoor temperature of 78 degrees anyway?  I told him that this was a nice temperature, warm but not hot, and he was satisfied with my critique of a 78 degree outdoor temperature.  I also told him to please put some clothes on, such as shorts, and so he went back to his room to do my bidding……..and probably to check once again on his weather station clock to see if the outdoor temperature had reached 79 degrees yet. 

He was soon back in my room, this time to talk about his Handy Science Answer Book and the chapter that he is just finishing.  Or maybe just starting.  I can’t keep it straight, but I don’t tell him that I can’t keep it straight because he will then talk ad infinitum in an effort to keep me straight.  He wanted to talk on this morning about numbers.  “Mom, after a million comes a trillion.”  I reminded him that between a million and a trillion is a billion.  Oh yes, he had forgotten about a billion.  He continued, “And you know what, Mom?  Scientists are trying to wonder if there’s a quadrillion.”  That’s about how many times I wonder if Aaron will ever get tired of talking about these things, actually.   And off Aaron went to find Gary so he could probably tell him about the million, billion, and so forth.

Aaron’s happy day continued, even though he had a hard time eating the ribs that Gary grilled after church.  He complained of his back molars hurting, despite having them checked repeatedly.  His near-anger vanished as he ate some softer food, but his disappointment returned later in the day when he asked if I would take him to Sonic for a milkshake and I suggested that he try a smoothie that I wanted to make…….one that was supposed to taste like a Wendy’s frosty.  He was sullen and unconvinced that this substitute for a milkshake would be any good, but after his first sip I knew that he liked it.  In fact, he asked for a second one when the first glass was empty……and his mood lightened when I said yes. 

We then watched Zookeeper, the movie that his day group had watched on Friday.  This made Aaron very happy.  He tried to tell Gary and I what happened before we saw it happen…….and he laughed very loudly at the funny parts……..and he clapped even louder than he laughed as he got excited………and he asked tons of questions……..and it was a very typical movie-watching experience with Aaron.  At least the movie was fairly easy to watch, unlike Sharktopus or Vortex 5 or that spin-off of Towering Inferno that Andrea and I endured when she was home a couple weeks ago.  A Japanese movie dubbed in English?  Please, never again.  So Zookeeper was stellar compared to those, and we were all happy despite the clapping and the yelling……..from Aaron, not the zoo animals.

Of course, he talked for the rest of the evening about Zookeeper……..every animal, every scene, every word, every single little part.  I could hardly say goodnight between his continual rundown of the movie.  Finally, as I turned to walk out of his room, him in mid-sentence or not……he wanted to ask just one more time about the wolf that was in the movie.  “Mom, was that a Swiss wolf?  Like from Alaska?  What species was it?  Was it a Swedish wolf?”  I just hurriedly told him that I didn’t know because at this point my brain was dying and I was so confused about this Swiss Alaskan Swedish wolf. 

I closed…..and locked……our bedroom door.  I was in “preservation of the mom and dad species” mode at this point.  But Aaron was not done.  Oh no.   He remembered that he had forgotten one more nugget of information that he had stored in his brain…….and one more question concerning that nugget.  He somehow remembered that he had not finished his morning conversation concerning numbers.  Yes, he was back to numbers once again……….back to the morning, but thankfully this time with his shorts being worn. 
“Mom!  I was reading about Roman numerals.  Are they from China?”

Oh, good grief, Aaron!  I didn’t say that, but I did think that.  The words Aaron heard were, “No, Aaron, Roman numerals are not from China.  Roman numerals are from ROME!”
 
“Rome?” he asked.  “So Romans didn’t know how to use American numbers?”

I was done.  I didn’t care about Swiss or Swedish wolves that might be from Alaska.  I didn’t care if he skipped a billion between a million and a trillion.  I didn’t care about Chinese Roman numerals.  And I definitely did not care whether he went to bed thinking that Romans didn’t know how to use American numbers.

All I did care about was Aaron going to bed………..so that we could go to bed.  And therefore I just said yes, Romans didn’t know how to use American numbers.  I went to bed and slept, despite the fact that I had given Aaron wrong historical information.  I slept with not one twinge of guilt about the incorrect sequence of Roman and American numerology that I had left with my son the night before.

Besides, I’ll hear it all again and maybe I’ll correct this historical mess the next time that Aaron brings it up. 

Maybe. 

Do You Know Shiphrah and Puah?

If you had asked me this past Saturday who Shiphrah and Puah are, I would have responded, “Uh………you know, as familiar as those names sound, I’m just not remembering Shiphrah and Puah right now.”  Perhaps some of you know of these two women, but I would have drawn a blank.  Not now, though.  Yesterday’s message at church from Exodus 1 reintroduced me to these two women, and I’m very thankful for that privilege.
For a little background, the people of Israel had traveled to Egypt under the rule of Joseph.  Jacob’s family grew and grew, filling the land of Egypt and becoming mighty.  All the original Israelites had died, including Jacob and Joseph, as well as the Pharaoh who knew and loved Joseph.  A new king arose over Egypt who did not know Joseph.  This king became fearful of the numbers of Israelites who lived in the land, thinking that if there was war then the Israelites would join with the enemy and overtake Egypt.  Therefore, this king made the Israelites become slaves……….but the more he afflicted the people of Israel, the more they multiplied and spread out.
Seeing that Plan A wasn’t working, this Pharaoh moved on to Plan B.  He ordered the Hebrew midwives to kill all the boy babies that were born, thinking that this barbaric form of birth control would limit the growth of the Israelites and thus eventually rid Egypt of the Jews.  This is where Shiphrah and Puah come in.  They were midwives……….probably two chief midwives.  Pharaoh instructed them to kill the boy babies that were born to the Israelite women but to keep the girl babies alive.  Simple enough, right?
But Pharaoh didn’t count on one complication.  Exodus 1:17 says, “BUT the midwives feared God…….”  This fear of God forced Shiphrah and Puah to make a decision.  Verse 17 continues, “……….and did not do as the King of Egypt had commanded them, but let the boys live.”  So sure enough, Pharaoh found out that Shiphrah and Puah were not killing baby Israelite boys………and he called these two midwives to come in for a little meeting.
I don’t know how Shiphrah and Puah felt at this point, but I imagine they were more than a little scared.  This is Pharaoh, who had no qualms about killing innocent baby boys and other Israelites as well.  From everything that was going on around him………….everything that he had initiated concerning the Jews…………..this Pharaoh seems more than a tad bit brutal.  I wish we knew all that was said at this appearance before Pharaoh.  I love thinking of the bravery of Shiphrah and Puah!  Yet it goes far beyond being brave.
Shiphrah and Puah were obedient to God, first and foremost.  I imagine that they feared Pharaoh………..but they feared God more.  This is the fear of God that involves reverence OF Him, and trust IN Him.  It’s the fear of God that Peter and the apostles had when they were given strict orders by the authorities not to teach about Jesus anymore………and Peter answered in Acts 5:29, “We must obey God rather than men.”
So back to Egypt.   I had never paid much attention to the fact that in verses 20 and 21, God lets us know that He was “good to the midwives.”  Verse 21 clearly says that “…….because the midwives feared God, that He established households for them.”  God blessed them and was good to them because of their obedience.
I really like Shiphrah and Puah.  I love the example they have set for me…………an example that is both profound and yet very simple.  Obedience to God comes first, in every single area of my life.  Obedience takes many different forms for each of us, but in whatever area that God is requiring obedience to Him, it’s best to obey.  Solomon said it so well in Ecclesiastes 8:12, “Although a sinner does evil a hundred times and may lengthen his life, still I know that it will be well for those who fear God – who fear Him openly.”
Shiphrah and Puah probably wondered if they would have their heads cut off……….or worse………..as they stood before the king and declared their loyalty to God.  I don’t know what my obedience to God will cost me, but obey I must.  I do know that God promises it will be well for me if I obey.  His blessings take various forms, and some we won’t see until eternity.  But we can take God at His word and know that it will be well for us when we fear Him, and fear Him openly.
Shiphrah and Puah are amazing!  Not because they were women, or because they stood up to mean old Pharaoh, or because they saved babies………all of which are important…….but they are amazing because they obeyed God above anyone and anything.  That’s the kind of amazing I want to be, every day, through good and bad.  Whatever the pressure……whatever the decision………whatever the pain……….whatever the outcome………

 

Fearing and obeying God!