Category: Asperger’s Syndrome

Disappointments

Disappointments.  Not a very catchy, interesting title, is it?  Not even encouraging!  But disappointments are universal.  We all have them in one form or another, nearly every day.  At my age, I’ve had enough serious disappointments that I now count my blessings when my disappointments are more along the line of a bad hair day, getting a cold, missing a fun day with friends, or not getting in on a great sale. 

Disappointments related to Aaron usually come in two varieties.  We are either disappointed IN Aaron for some reason, or we are disappointed FOR Aaron.  We are usually disappointed IN Aaron because of his behaviors.  We are usually disappointed FOR Aaron because of something that hurts his heart, and therefore ours as well.

On November 6, two days before his birthday, I was going to take Aaron to one of Paradigm’s residential homes so that we could celebrate with some of his friends.  We were going to take pizzas and have fun.  Aaron was so looking forward to it!  But he came down with a stomach virus and was unable to go.  How disappointing!  We were disappointed for Aaron, very much.

So a week later, this past Friday, we made the same plans again.  But on Friday afternoon, the plans were canceled once again.  One of Aaron’s friends was having a very rough day and it wouldn’t have been a good situation for us to be in the home that night, no matter how much pizza we brought.  It was going to take time for this person to calm down.  In fact, this client had some words for Aaron during the situation, much like Aaron does when he has a meltdown, and it really hurt Aaron’s heart.  And it hurt and disappointed us, too, for Aaron.

All of this made Aaron act out.  He banged on the car that brings him home, making a small dent in the front of the car.  He yelled at me when he got home, escalating as I tried to talk to him.  He looked in his Friday goodie bag that sat on the kitchen table, and then knocked it on to the floor.  This is Aaron’s way of handling his own disappointments.  Instead of talking about his hurt, he becomes angry.  Talking only makes him angrier, especially my talking to him. 

I had two disappointments going on that evening.  I had my disappointment for Aaron as I was hurt for him in his hurt.  And I had my disappointment in Aaron…..in his behaviors that can’t be allowed, but sometimes can’t be stopped.  His defiance was understandable but unacceptable.  I hid his goodie bag from him as a tangible sign that his behavior was wrong…..and I wished with all my heart that he could just verbalize his disappointment instead of acting it out with harsh words and defiant behavior. 

He finally settled down enough to show an interest in going out to eat dinner instead of yelling, “NO!” as he had earlier.  So before long we met Gary at Outback, where we enjoyed dinner together and especially enjoyed seeing happy Aaron return.  In fact, before we left the house to meet Gary, Aaron said, “I’m just disappointed.”  Wow!!  Victory in three little words!  Aaron expressed his disappointment verbally and I praised him for that as I told him that I understood, and that I shared his disappointment.  I shared it so much that I even watched The Blob movie with him that night.  That movie brought me to a whole other level of disappointment, trust me.  It was painful!!  But Aaron was happy!

He had a rough morning yesterday, Monday, as he returned to Paradigm.  But the afternoon was much better.  Today he got up very early, and at 6:11 I was in the kitchen listening to him talk about The Blob movie that we had watched.  I’m sorry, but 6:11 is a little early to be handling talk about The Blob.  I’m still not over that movie.

Our morning went well, and I was happy for Aaron to be so happy as I dropped him off at Paradigm.  But shortly before 2:30 I got a call.  Aaron was having a seizure.  I had just gotten home from spending the day with my elderly friend, so I was thankful that I was free as I drove to pick Aaron up at his day group.  Poor Aaron!  Another disappointment, this time more for me.  Disappointment for Aaron as he faces these awful seizures……his badly bitten tongue…..his headache…..the interruption in what should have been a good day.  He handles it so well, thankfully unaware of how sad I am for him.

This morning, as I had my quiet time, I did what I sometimes feel compelled to do.  I asked the Lord, as I turned the pages in my Bible, to give me a special word…..something He knew I needed on this day.  Today I flipped from Romans, where I have been reading, back to the first place my turned pages led….to Malachi.  And there in Malachi 3:6 I read these words:  “For I, the Lord, do not change.” 

Simple words, but I knew they were somehow for me today.  As I drove home with Aaron beside me, his breathing having that certain post-seizure sound, I looked up at the sky as very dark clouds rolled in.  There was a mix of bright blue, but coming in were the dark stormy clouds that promised rain.  Our day was changing from bright sunshine to dark cloudiness, just like my day with Aaron had gone from bright happiness to dark seizure concerns. 
 
Disappointments.  Changes.  We face so many of those, don’t we?  And I didn’t wonder anymore why God gave me that random verse this morning in the little book of Malachi.  “For I, the Lord, do not change.”  So in the middle of disappointments, whatever they may be…..and in the middle of the changes that those disappointments often bring…..we can as God’s children stand firm in God’s promise that He does not change.  Ever.

Just stop and think about what that promise means.  God never changes.  He is always the same, loving us and instructing us and being there for us.  No amount of world changes, of family changes, of my own changes….and the disappointments they bring….will ever change God. 

I’m very, very thankful for that promise today.  I’m very thankful that God gave it to me…..humbled, really, as I always am when God speaks to me so kindly and specifically. 

One more thing.  I’m never disappointed in God.  Never.  And I know that He will see us through all of our disappointments, including the ones IN and FOR our Aaron.     

From God’s Heart to My Lips

Was it just last weekend that I flew home from a wonderful vacation week in Alabama?  It seems much longer than a week.  There are reasons for that.  But first, I did enjoy a great time of relaxing with my dear friend Glenda in her beautiful home.  Bruce and Glenda are friends of ours from way back.  Gary and I met them at Gary’s first assignment following his graduation from flight school in 1983.  We did lots of life together in Colorado Springs while stationed at Fort Carson, and then later as we both lived in Germany.  It had been 23 years since we last saw each other.  Bruce and Glenda very kindly flew me to Alabama for several days of rest and relaxation.  We took up right where we left off, too, not missing a beat.  Glenda and I talked a blue streak last week, and I think we pretty well caught up on everything.  It was really a refreshing time for me.

In the airports and on the planes, I finally finished reading Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts.  What a challenging book this has been for me!  Challenging me to be thankful….grateful…..in all situations.  Our friends, Kurt and Jill Grier, gave me this book while Aaron was in the hospital last June.  What a perfect setting for this insightful book to be given! 

So flying home last Saturday, I finally finished this book.  At the very end, Ann wrote this:  “Every breath’s a battle between grudgery and gratitude and we must keep thanks on the lips so we can sip from the holy grail of joy.”  There is a reason that God let me read that line on that day…..the day I was flying home…..to life at our house.

I heard him before I saw him.  I was near the escalator in our beautiful new Eisenhower Airport here in Wichita.  Home at last.  I was focused on that down escalator when I heard, “MOM!!!” 

I looked over to my left, and there was Aaron.  He had just bounded off of the comfy chair where he was sitting near Gary as they waited for me to round the corner.  How appropriate that the very first word I heard when I reached home was that word that Aaron says the most.  Mom!

His smile was huge as he came toward me, rubbing his hands together in great delight.  Delight to see me?  Yes, in his own way.  But more delight, I believe, in the fact that he could finally tell me in person what he was anxiously waiting to say.  “MOM!!!  I finished watching…..”  And he was off, words tumbling over each other as he told me about the latest movie he had just completed.  Aliens and battles and robots and laser vision…..all of it, coming out in a loud rush. 

He had no interest in my trip home.  He only cared that I WAS home.  He did give me a hug as I reached out to him, but he didn’t stop talking.  Gary and I hugged and kissed to our typical background music of Aaron’s constant talking.  We’ve learned to jump in quickly between his words in order to say our own to each other. 

There is no slow re-entry into life with Aaron.  He blows in with no interruptions allowed, words and hands flying, expecting us to show great interest.  And we opened the door at our house to our large dog, to Aaron following and talking, to trick-or-treaters, to the time change, and to me coming down with a stomach bug that evening.  Interesting.  What was that quote I had just read?

It gets better.  And let me again quote dear Alice Zwemke:  “I’m not complaining.  I’m just reporting.”  This week….

On Monday I took Aaron to the dentist for a cleaning.  A small cavity was found.  On Tuesday, I took him back to the dentist for a filling.  He was a little sullen and quiet (thankful for the quiet part!) on Monday, but on Tuesday he was full of smiles and talk.  He even carried in his Happy Spider from Hawaii that Glenda had sent him, and kept Happy Spider on his lap while he got his tooth repaired. 

 
By that evening, Aaron still had a crooked smile from his tooth procedure.  The dentist said not to worry, and sure enough by that night he had returned to normal.  So on Wednesday he was able to finally return to Paradigm, his day group, even though he complained of not feeling well.  That afternoon he had a big seizure there, so I went to pick him up, carrying clean clothes since he was incontinent during this seizure.  He had another seizure shortly after going to bed that night. 

On Thursday, he woke up with my stomach virus that I was kind enough to share.  Between bathroom visits, he slept nearly all day.  No Paradigm.

Yesterday, Friday, he still wasn’t feeling great so he stayed home again.  No Paradigm.  By the evening he was more himself, so I foolishly let him enjoy his pizza night.  I felt sorry for him because we had planned to have a pizza party at one of Paradigm’s residential homes with several of his friends on Friday, and we had to cancel it.  It was an early birthday celebration for him.  So pizza it was, at home……which he later threw up as he sat in his chair in the family room.  Poor Aaron.

And I now have a chest cold.

So here we are.  Life at its best, right?  That quote again….we must keep thanks on the lips.  I’ve been practicing that attitude this week as best I can, failing at times but also so aware of the power of gratitude that is so dear to God’s heart.  From God’s heart to my lips.

I’m thankful for our washing machine and our dryer; for bleach; for hot water; for Aaron’s excellent waterproof mattress pad; for Gary’s hard work in providing for us so that I don’t have to work; for our gorgeous fall colors to enjoy as I look out the windows or drive around town; for our large kitchen trash can last night during the throwing up episode; for not being in the hospital like some I know and love; for all of this happening while I am home and not out of town; for God’s forgiveness when I fail; for the love of friends and family…..and for so much more.

For Aaron, who just rolls with the flow….which is a pretty yucky saying right now, actually.  Sorry.  Anyway, he handles things better than most.  He’s more concerned with his routine than with his disappointments.  I’m carrying the disappointments.  He carries the changes to his routine.

“Mom, I’m going to bed now,” he said on Wednesday night.  “I’m not going to bed at 10:00.”  It was 8:23 when he laid down and I turned off his light.  But soon I saw the light from under his bedroom door.  I asked if he was ok.  He told me that he was fine…..that he was just writing down what time he went to bed in his log book.  Well, of course.

Aaron showers at 8:00 or a little later every night. He showered in the late afternoon on Thursday.  “Mom?” he asked.  “Because I just showered, does that mean I have to shower by 8:00 tonight?” 

Wheel of Fortune is still being turned on at 6:28, not 6:27, though….so that’s a good thing.  And Mom must be reminded to wait on the coffee maker to perk more coffee in order to fill that third cup before carrying them up to Aaron’s room.  One doesn’t take TWO cups of coffee to Aaron’s room.  It must be THREE cups, for crying out loud. 

Sometimes Aaron weighs us down on many levels.  But I’m thankful for the blessings that are many, the smiles that are frequent, and the laughter that comes unexpectedly. 

“Mom!!” he said the other morning as he stared down into his empty coffee cup.  “Why is there coffee bean powder in my cup?”

See what I mean?

 

 

Shake and Toss

I remember when Aaron was just a little guy and we were stationed in Germany.  Boxes of gifts from family would arrive before Christmas, full of presents for all of us.  It was so exciting to place the bright packages under our little tree and see the happiness on the kid’s faces as they especially noticed each gift that had their name attached.  On Christmas morning, we would open our gifts and watch with the delight that all parents experience as our children could hardly contain their excitement.  It was a time of pure joy!

But Aaron quickly learned something about his gifts.  Some of his presents contained clothing.  Others contained toys.  Toys tend to rattle.  Clothes don’t rattle.  So smart little Aaron would pick up a gift and give it a shake.  If all was quiet inside the box, he would then toss it over his shoulder and move on to the next one.  It really was hilarious.  We caught him in the act on the video that we were making.  Shake and toss.  Shake and open.  Shake and toss.  And Aunt Sandra, after seeing the video that we mailed to her, declared that she would never send another gift of clothes to Aaron ever again! 

We laughed and laughed over that.  “But wait,” I said.  “Clothes are wonderful!  Maybe not to Aaron, but to us they’re great!!”  Gary and I knew the value of  clothing for our children when we lived under a tight budget.  Aaron could care less, but he just didn’t understand their importance. 

Life’s gifts come in all shapes and sizes.  Some we know right away are amazing and will be treasured forever.  Others are uncertain.  And then there are those gifts that we want to shake and toss away.  Gifts of hardship and pain……gifts that aren’t fun…..that definitely weren’t on our want list. 

I recently received a wonderful gift from some old friends of ours.  We came to know Bruce and Glenda at our first military duty station in Fort Carson, Colorado.  Then we were also stationed near each other in Germany.  Our kids played together when they were very young.  Bruce and Glenda live in Alabama now, and are flying me there to spend a few days.  I haven’t seen Glenda in years, though we’ve stayed in touch.  It’s a gift that I didn’t need to shake!  I knew right away what a precious gift it was.  I leave today, in fact, and am so looking forward to this getaway with a dear friend. 

Another gift of mine, in his own amazing way, is our Aaron.  Of course, he’s our son and I love him with all my heart.  His special ways of living life due to his seizures and autism, however, make him a very unique gift.  Trust me, there are plenty of days that I wonder about this large gift of Aaron.  There are many times that I want to shake and toss.  I want to shake and toss Aaron!!  But those moments are always balanced by the spurts of joy and laughter that he brings into our lives.  He’s the whole package, that’s for sure!

For instance, last Friday we were listening to a CD on our way to his day group.  He likes it when a song totally ends before he gets out of the van at Paradigm.  As we pulled up to the curb on Friday, the song seemed never ending.  I had errands to run and then an appointment at 1:00, so I finally told Aaron that I really had to go.  I told him that he could finish the song the next time we played this CD.  Aaron didn’t like that idea at all, but he finally agreed.  However, to register his disapproval, he gave me a resounding hit on my arm before he left the van.  It hurt!  And it made me very angry.  Yet off he strode as if nothing at all was wrong.

I drove away in frustration.  See what I mean?  Aaron can go from happy to hurtful in a flash.  It was a time I really would have shaken and tossed that gift.  Yet I know better.  I know that God gave us Aaron and that he is indeed a beautiful gift, not to be shaken and tossed, but to be opened and enjoyed.  It sure takes a lot of patience sometimes, though!  More than I often have on my own, for sure. 

Yet that evening, Aaron bounded in the house with a little wrapped butterscotch candy in his hand.  His driver, Paulette, had given Aaron a wrapped candy and then gave him one for me.  Aaron was so excited to give me this little candy, and wanted me to eat it right away.  It was close to supper and I told him I would wait.  Aaron made sure, for the rest of the evening, that I didn’t forget his gift to me.  He talked and talked about that candy. 

“It’s one of those sucking things,” he described.  And he ran up to my desk that night to retrieve the piece of candy and bring it to me, hovering nearby until I finally ate it. 

Aaron can go from hitting to hugging in no time.  From grouchy to giving.  His gifts are all over the place, but each one I must receive and enjoy.  Well, not always enjoy but at least try to understand and appreciate.

He stood in front of me one evening like this.

 

“Take a picture and send it to Andrea!” he said.  So I did just that as we both laughed at his silliness. 

He just came downstairs this morning.  One of the first things out of his mouth?  “Mom? What do you think of Megatron and Optimus Prime versing each other?”

And we’re off and running, as always.

I’m still unwrapping all the layers of this Aaron gift that we’ve been given.  And remembering the verse that I read this morning.

“For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.  To Him be glory forever.  Amen!”  (Romans 11:36)

No shaking and tossing allowed.

 

The Answered Prayer

When Gary and I travel without Aaron, we must find a caregiver for him.  Plus we have Jackson, our 185 pound Great Dane.  We’ve had some wonderful caregivers over the years for both of them, but of course Aaron is our main concern.  Those that have cared for Aaron usually move on to their very busy college lives, their full time jobs after college, or to marriage with families of their own, so keeping caregivers is no easy task. 

A couple weeks ago, Gary mentioned that he sure wished it was easier for us to just pick up and go visit our other two children.  Andrea lives in Houston and Andrew lives near Indianapolis.  I realized that I hadn’t been making our caregiver issue a matter of prayer lately, so on that evening that Gary made his comment, I began praying about it again.  There are times that we can, and do, take Aaron on our trips.  But there are other occasions when it’s best for just Gary and me to go. 

The day after Gary made his comment, and I started praying, I shared my prayer concern with a friend in Texas.  I also shared it with Andrea on the phone that evening as she and I talked.  While Andrea and I were on the phone, I heard my text message notice buzzing in my ear.  I waited until Andrea and I were off the phone before checking my message.  I pretty well stared down at it in disbelief and praise.  You see, it was from our friend, Holly.  Holly watched Aaron some last spring.  She’s an excellent caregiver, but I thought that she was too busy with college and work to be able to watch Aaron anymore.  I hadn’t contacted her at all, or even said anything to her mother who is a good friend of mine.  So what did her text say?

She said that she just wanted me to know that if Gary and I ever wanted to get away, and if we needed someone to watch Aaron, that she would be glad to do that.  Wow!  I just stood there and thanked God for that very quick answer to my prayer.  It was such a direct, almost immediate answer to my prayer that it left me humbled and amazed.  Gary and I both recognized God’s hand.  So now what were we to do?

Andrew works for an NHRA race team.  They were having a race in less than two weeks in Dallas.  Last year we went to Houston to see Andrea, and then she went with us up to Dallas for the last day of racing.  Was God wanting us to do that again?  Would it even work out?  We checked with Andrea and she was excited at the prospect of us coming.  Andrew was as well, so we lined everything up with Holly and off we went to Texas.  God had answered and provided, and we felt confident that this trip was for a purpose.

That’s when things started happening.  Maybe I should make a list.

·         Holly lost her phone on the morning that we left and had to get a replacement.

·         Andrea hasn’t quite recovered from double pneumonia that she had in July.  She started feeling bad again just before we came, so she ended up not going to Dallas with us on Sunday.

·         On Friday night, Holly got a stomach virus.  She threw up seven times that night!  And she was trying to take care of Aaron.

·         On Saturday, Holly let her grandparents watch Aaron so that she could rest and recover.  Dennis and Freda are friends who know Aaron, and they did a great job. 

·         Holly did recover, but on Sunday Aaron had a seizure.  Holly knows seizures well because of her little brother who has seizures, but we felt terrible that she was having to go through this.

·         Gary and I went on to Dallas on Sunday, talking to Holly regularly and checking on Aaron.

·         Andrew’s driver, Cruz Pedregon, lost during the first run…..3.96 to 3.94.  That meant that the team would be cleaning and packing up to leave for Indy early Monday morning…..which meant that we wouldn’t really get to spend any time with Andrew.  So we decided to just head back to Wichita, feeling the need to check on Aaron anyway.

·         We ran into a huge traffic jam south of Ardmore, Oklahoma.  It put us an hour behind. 

·         My phone mysteriously died for a few hours.

·         And I even found a lone fire ant bite on my foot….a souvenir from Houston!  HA!

OK, now I know that none of these events are life changing, horrible things.  Why am I even writing about this?

I’m writing about it because the craziness of our weekend…..the stress that these happenings created for us….didn’t seem to match our amazing answer to prayer.  That answered prayer….the prayer for a caregiver….was the reason that we took this trip.  So if God provided answered prayer and the means for us to take this trip, why did so many things seem to fall apart?  Shouldn’t we have gone to Texas and just had the best time ever, with no worries?

I admit that I was scratching my head a few times, wondering why God seemed to push us out the door.  “Go, go!” he seemed to be saying.  And then to have so many things go wrong…..things that caused us some worry and kept our minds occupied on those worries to some degree. 

I have felt like God was trying to show me another element of trust.  I know I need to trust Him when He opens doors, but then allows some bad things to happen that make me question whether the open door was one through which I should have walked.  I needed to trust that God knew what He was doing when He led me to that open door.  God also knew what He was doing when He let so many things go haywire when we needed them to go smoothly.  Or we thought we needed them to go smoothly.

Answered prayer in the way that we want it doesn’t guarantee a trouble free life.  I may never know why God wanted Gary and me to take this trip.  I may never see all the connected dots that God sees….for me, for Gary, for Andrea, for Andrew, for Holly, for Aaron.

There were wonderful memories made.  Time with Andrea:
 

 

Time with our little granddogs:

 

 
 
Time with Andrew, though brief:
 

 

We had precious talks and laughter with Andrea.  We got to see the pit crew at the race form a circle and pray together right there in the pit area….and have Andrew tell us that he and Jay got that practice started.

And we had to laugh at Aaron as he tried to adjust to Holly being sick.  “Mom!” he exclaimed.  “I didn’t expect you to have someone here who is SICK!!” 

Let’s talk about the word “compassion,” dear Aaron.  He did go to Holly’s room three times on Saturday to say goodnight, and on the third time, instead of calling her crazy, he gave her a hug.  Very sweet!

Will I pray specifically again?  Absolutely!  God loves our specific prayers.  Next time though, when He answers, I might just say, “OK, God, are you 100% sure of this?!”  J 

 

Getting Aaron

I ran into Great Clips this morning, taking Aaron for another haircut, shave, and beard trim, and who greeted us but Erin!  Erin has worked there for quite awhile.  Erin loves Aaron, if you follow me.  She’s a mom, and just a very sweet person who genuinely loves seeing our Aaron.  So it’s always nice when Erin cuts Aaron’s hair! 

Erin is one of these people who just gets Aaron.  She was genuinely happy to see Aaron as we walked through the door.  She talks to him while she cuts his hair, asking him questions and interacting so well with him.  I just love having people like that in Aaron’s life.

 
I can tell very quickly if someone gets Aaron or not.  You don’t have to totally understand Aaron to get him.  Is this making sense?  There are just some people who from the first moment they encounter Aaron, are relaxed and accepting of him.  And there are others who look at Aaron like he has an alien head or something…..although Aaron would think that having an alien head is pretty cool. 

For instance, Friday evening Aaron and I went to Little Caesar’s for pizza.  The line at the take-out window was long, so I decided that Aaron and I would go inside to grab our pizzas.  As I parked, I gave Aaron the usual directions…..wait for me, don’t barge in the door, if there’s a line then don’t push ahead, please don’t clap, and please talk SOFTLY!!  Of course, I was trailing behind him as I finished my instructions and he was barging in the door.  Oh well.

Thankfully, there was no line, so Aaron had free rein to walk up to the counter, lean way over and loudly say, “Can I have some breadsticks??!!”  I was tugging Aaron back while reminding him to talk softly and also reminding him that I already told him he could have breadsticks…..when I turned and saw the cashier’s face.  She was staring a hole through Aaron while she wore totally no expression on her face.  There was no emotion at all from her.  She looked at Aaron like he was perhaps an alien, but a very boring alien.  Like she was thinking, “Who are you and why are you in my store?”   

Aaron was very excited and happy, totally oblivious to this girl’s cold stare.  He continued to interrupt as he loudly asked if we could get TWO pizzas as well as breadsticks.  Her eyes went from me back to Aaron, with her impersonal cold stare once again.  At times like that, I’m very thankful that Aaron doesn’t get social cues.  This girl didn’t get Aaron, but Aaron didn’t get that she didn’t get him, so in that respect all was well. 

But all was not well in my spirit.  I wanted to give her nose a little pinch and then deliver a lecture, but of course I didn’t.  And I know that maybe she was having a bad day.  Yet really, deep down, I just know that some people get Aaron and some people don’t.

Tuesday for lunch, Aaron and I met his case manager at Applebee’s for his yearly PCSP meeting.  Barb, from Paradigm, was there as well.  Aaron is as comfortable with Barb as he is with me, so she understood Aaron’s whacks on her arm, his too tight squeeze of her hand, and how he helped himself to some of the chicken on her salad.  It was our server, though, whom I especially noticed.  She made eye contact with Aaron, smiled at him, listened to him, and was genuinely relaxed with him.  I even looked at Barb and whispered, “She gets Aaron.”  And Barb knew just what I meant. 

When someone understands Aaron, it’s as obvious as the nose on their face….like that little girl’s nose that I wanted to pinch.  J  But it’s very obvious to me when a person understands Aaron, and even accepts him just as he is.  Sometimes being in public with Aaron is embarrassing, honestly.  He’s large, and loud, and totally blind to the effect he has on others by being “out there” with some of his behaviors.  He might point at someone because of their hair or whatever.  He might turn around in the restaurant booth to see what the people behind him are eating or saying.  He might stop to stare at their plates as we walk out of the restaurant.  And if he goes to the bathroom by himself during our meal, it’s very interesting to watch people’s faces as he walks by, his head high and arms swinging, often making funny noises with his mouth.

So when someone gets Aaron, I find myself relaxing some.  It’s as if I don’t feel the need to explain, which I usually don’t do anyway.  I shouldn’t have to explain Aaron.  He is who he is, in all his boldness and uniqueness.  But I’m human and I feel my face getting red when Aaron does something a little crazy that draws attention to us.  It’s nice to see others understand him even if they don’t really understand…..to accept him…..and especially to enjoy him. 

Having Aaron in my life has taught me to try hard to show understanding to other families I see who are probably uncomfortable in public.  I remember when Gary and I ate dinner at a local restaurant with some friends.  Our table was near a mom and dad who were eating dinner with their special needs son.  I noticed their son immediately.  He was stimming in his unique way, and I just knew what they were feeling.  I could see it on their faces, especially the dad.  So I finally made eye contact with the mother, and I smiled at her.  I pointed to myself and shook my head yes.  She was a little confused, so I just stood up and walked over to their table.  I spoke to her and her husband, and told them who I was…..and that I had a son much like their wonderful son.  They both visibly softened and relaxed.  They were so happy that I understood and that I spoke to their adult son, and that I got it.  That’s what meant the most to them….the fact that I got their son. 

So when you’re out and about, and you see an Aaron…..or most likely, when you HEAR an Aaron…..just smile at the parents with genuine love.  Even when their Aaron might pull one of the lower boxes of cereal out of the huge cereal box display….and mom stands there with fallen cereal boxes all over the aisle….smile and maybe even offer to help pick them up.  Yes, that happened to me.  And the help of a sweet teenaged boy was such a blessing that day!

There are special people all around us who need us to get them.  There are families of special ones who will feel a huge weight lifted off their hearts if you are that person in their lives. 

I get it!  You can, too.

Name Your War

We recently renovated Aaron’s bedroom.  It’s fun to have newly painted walls and ceiling, new closet doors painted a little darker than the walls, new valence and bedspread, new ceiling fan, the furniture moved to new positions, and new organization to Aaron’s clutter.  I bought some really pretty bins that are a tough woven fabric with a bright fabric lined interior.  They are a deep gray color and blend in nicely with his light gray walls.  One of them fit perfectly in Aaron’s night stand opening.  Not only that, but his Handy Answer books fit in that bin perfectly, and even left room for Aaron’s bedtime log book on top.  Perfect!  I was delighted!

But Aaron…..not so much.  He has adjusted to everything in his new room, but there is one area in which he will not budge.  You see, I want Aaron’s floor beside his bed to look like this:

 

Yet Aaron insists on keeping his books that he is reading, as well as his bedtime log book, like this:

 

I want things one way.  However, do or die, Aaron insists on keeping his books in their line beside his bed.  On the floor.  Not in the nice, orderly bin that I purchased for the purpose of keeping his room and floor neat…….but on the floor.  I’ve quit fighting it.  We could have the Books on the Floor War for the rest of our natural lives and nothing would change Aaron’s mind.  Of this I am certain.

The Books on the Floor War isn’t the only battle we fight.  There is also the Is the Plant Real War.  I turned around for a split second at his last doctor appointment while in the waiting room, so at the elevator Aaron held up a leaf…..a leaf that he had just pulled off the plant in the doctor’s waiting room. 

 

“Mom!” he excitedly said.  “That plant is REAL!”

No kidding, Aaron.  And he heard once again the lecture that goes along with the Is the Plant Real War, but I knew my brilliant wartime lecture was falling on deaf ears. 

We also have the Grey Spot on the Sock War.  I don’t know why Aaron insists on wearing the heel of his sock up on the top of his ankle.  I have instructed, demonstrated, assisted, and again lectured…..but to no avail.  More often than not, the grey heel is terribly misplaced, but Aaron doesn’t terribly care.  Actually, he doesn’t care at all.  And he doesn’t understand why I do care. 

Then there’s the Take Things Off the Kitchen Counter And Come Show it To Mom War.  Does he think I don’t know what’s laying on the kitchen counter?  Saturday he came downstairs where I was watching football.  He stood right in front of me, holding up a stick of butter that he had just nabbed off the counter as he walked through the kitchen.

 

“Mom!” he said.  “This says salted butter?  Then it must be sweet!” 

I laughed, and Aaron thought he had won this battle of the Take Things Off the Kitchen Counter and Come Show it To Mom War.  So he launched right into the If It’s In My Hand I’ll Let Jackson Sniff It War, and another mom lecture ensued. 

Finding humor in the way Aaron thinks and acts is one way that I get by from day to day.  He truly makes me laugh a lot, yet there are many times that I really do want certain areas of his life to be more orderly in ways that matter.  I wish that Aaron’s reactions could be as disciplined as a picked up floor, for instance, but there are occasions that his emotions become messy and even painful. 

Such was the case yesterday.  The set-up actually began the day before that, on Wednesday.  Aaron woke up for some reason at 5:09, he said.  Of course he would be so precise.  He went to the bathroom but said he couldn’t go back to sleep, so he went all day with no nap and by that evening was very tired.  Then the next morning, yesterday, he was sleeping soundly when I finally had to get him up to get ready for his day.

Waking Aaron up is usually not a good way for him to start his day.  He was pretty grouchy before we left for his group, but he buckled down and went.  However, on up in the day he had a meltdown with Barb.  He was very belligerent with her and vocal.  He also broke his watch….again.  When he came home later, the first thing he did was to ask me if I had heard what had happened.  I hadn’t, but I could tell from his stressed look and his tired eyes that it wasn’t going to be a pretty story. 

Aaron also shared it with Gary later as they walked around the yard.  I just watched them and thought of poor Gary, handling issues at work all day and then coming home to hear another war story of Aaron’s.  Yet it’s what we do as parents….what all parents do….although at our age we did think we’d be done with all this “stuff” that needs our wisdom and patience. 

We want Aaron’s life to be neat, with everything in its place, like books in a bin.  Aaron had been very happy for a couple weeks, maybe longer, and we were really enjoying the reprieve.  But autism and autistic behaviors don’t just disappear into a neat bin beside his bed.  I had seen the warning signs and I was right.  Aaron hit the proverbial wall and pieces were now scattered all over.

Gary and I helped him pick up those pieces as best we could.  So did Barb as she texted me and told me to tell Aaron that she loved him and would be happy to see him tomorrow.  “He has had many good days,” she texted, “and tomorrow is a new one.”

She was right.  I had to remind Aaron of that fact as he came downstairs this morning with a stormy look on his face, saying he didn’t want to go to Paradigm because of what happened yesterday.  We had to work through it this morning, with me being careful not to escalate this angry time into a War of Words.  He came out swinging, too, as he realized that I was checking the time of the West Virginia/Oklahoma State football game for tomorrow.

“I vote for Oklahoma!!” he declared…..hoping that he had wounded me.  He had no idea of how funny that was to me. 

He did go to Paradigm this morning, rather happily, despite these proclamations during his What Words Will Work on Mom War:

“I’m only going because you want me to!”

“I’m only going because you’re making me!”

“I’m only going because I want pizza!”

 

And when we got to Paradigm, Aaron wanted me to come in and talk to Barb, which I did.  Aaron was a little huffy at first.  He wouldn’t hug Barb, but shook her hand very properly…..and I smiled.  Hopefully he’s been all right today.  Hopefully the war for him is over.  Hopefully his scattered pieces are back in the bin, neat and orderly, although he’ll always leave a few on the floor where he wants them. 

And we leave them there, because some battles in some wars just aren’t worth fighting.  It’s part of what makes Aaron unique, challenging, and full of his own way of living in his world.

It’s part of what makes us stay on our knees, trusting God for what we need to fight whatever war may come our way today. 

  

 

Aaron’s Notes

I saw this on Gary’s desk the other day.

 

This note was written by Aaron, and it made me smile.  He was obviously in a happy mood that day, particularly toward Gary, and so he expressed it as he often does with a little note.  Aaron’s not being disrespectful in calling his dad by his first name.  I mean, Gary is Gary’s name, right?  Aaron knows that we try to get him to call others by their first names instead of saying, “Hey, you!”  Or just saying, “Hey!”…..and then pointing, as he did often during our recent trip to see family.  So on this day of note making, Dad was Gary….and we smile at that.

Aaron keeps copious lists of many areas of his life.  He writes down the chapter that he just finished when he stops watching a movie.  He writes down his computer game notes and stopping points.  He keeps this list of his going to bed and getting up in the morning times:

 

And this list of our Skip-Bo wins:

 

Aaron also loves his Post-It notes.  He leaves various messages in various places, like the one that he left on Gary’s desk.  Some of his messages are not so nice, though.  Like this one a couple years ago that he left on his door during a very grouchy morning.  I got that message loud and clear……and I’ll admit that I thought it was pretty funny, although I didn’t share that sentiment with Aaron.

 

He sometimes leaves me reminder notes.

 

He has left sweet notes, and sometimes not so sweet notes, to the various staff at his day group.  Here is one that Barb sent me, a note that Aaron wrote on her desk calendar.

 

But by far my favorite note is this one that he left on my desk quite awhile ago, and that I still keep there.

 

I like looking at it on bad days, especially.  It always makes me smile.

I love you, too, Aaron……sweat and all. 

A Special Vacation With Aaron

Last week Gary and I took Aaron with us on a vacation/work trip back home to our families in both West Virginia and North Carolina.  It had been way too long since Aaron had been home with us, so it was nice to have this opportunity to take him along.  One purpose of our trip was to meet with my brother and sisters in West Virginia, and to go through all the items that were left in our mother’s storage unit since her death in May.  Then we went down to Gary’s hometown in the North Carolina Smoky Mountains.  We hadn’t been there in ages, so we spent more time there than in West Virginia on this trip.

Aaron is really a good traveler, which is surprising in some ways since he loves his routine and loves his things in order.  But he also loves time with us, and he loves the snack bag that I fill before we leave, and he loves the motel, and he definitely loves eating out.  He makes sure that he nails down the fact that we ARE eating out as we hit the road bright and early on the day we leave.  When that fact is established to his liking, he then seeks to determine if we’re eating IN a restaurant.

We usually stop at this particular rest area in Kansas City, which overlooks both the Chiefs and the Royals stadiums.  Aaron was only slightly impressed with that, pausing long enough for me to take the first obligatory picture of our trip…..the first of many that he tolerated as we vacationed together.

 

He was far more impressed with the Cracker Barrel where we ate a midday meal later that first day.  He loved the stuffed turkey that he and Gary found in the gift shop, and couldn’t wait for me to press the turkey’s wing.  Aaron rubbed his hands together in delight as the turkey sang, “Hey, good lookin’, what you got cookin’?  How about cookin’ something else but me?”  We heard Aaron sing that song several times that day.  And he also played the peg game while we waited on our meal, beating Gary on his first try!

 

Our server there was so kind to Aaron, smiling at him with understanding and even bringing Aaron his very own travel map.  Several servers on this trip were that way with Aaron…..showing kindness and even delight on the unique way that Aaron interacted with them.

 

Aaron quickly set up house at John and Jeanie’s when we arrived in Princeton.  We had barely said hello before he was deciding where he would perch himself and his DVD player, looking for an outlet and not at all concerned about rearranging furniture or grabbing a chair on which to place his DVD player in front of him.  He did the same thing at his Aunt Sandra’s when we got to Bryson City on Tuesday.  Never mind unimportant hugs or pleasantries.  The most necessary business was to get himself situated and comfortable.  Hellos and hugs and small talk was for the rest of us, after we helped him line up his little corner of the world just right. 

 

Aaron really did very well in so many ways on this trip.  Of course, he had times of frustration when he didn’t want to go somewhere that we went…..or he wanted to be on my tablet looking up GI Joe videos instead of going to see friends….or he was a little tired of seeing too much pretty scenery.  We had to work a few times to try to derail him from the track of frustration that he was on for the moment without becoming totally frustrated ourselves.  Then there were his loud noises which were new to many in the family.  He sure can make people jump! 

But there were very many moments to treasure, far more than the ones that we would rather forget.  He sat in our vehicle for over five hours while we went through Mom’s storage unit, watching Looney Tunes DVDs and making tons of crazy noises.  Like Mary Beth said, he was our sound effects while we worked.  I just wonder what the family down from us thought as they worked on their unit.  He hugged family and friends, he talked all of our ears off about aliens and other interests, he kept up a weird schedule, he slept in different beds, and he tolerated hours of driving. 

Here are more pictures of some of the things that were very special during this trip.

He found a fun bug at the West Virginia rest stop.
 

He was happy to finally be in West Virginia.

 

And happy to also go to North Carolina.

 

We had a delightful visit with Leo.

 

We ate at Naber’s……TWICE!!  Look at the view right there!

 

He sang for Aunt Sandra.

 

We went walking up Deep Creek.

 

And dad helped him find some little Deep Creek rocks……

 

while Aunt Sandra found a HUGE leaf!!

 

He was happy to go see Pam and Russ after a stubborn spell that day……

 

and pet and feed the horses in the pasture beside their house!

 

 
Those are just a few of the wonderful times we had on this special trip.  On the day we left to return to Kansas, Aaron had a mild seizure while still in bed early that morning.  He had another big seizure in the car on the interstate, and a larger one that night in the hotel.  He thankfully had just gotten out of the shower before that last seizure, and was sitting up in bed reading.  He hit his head really hard on the headboard as the seizure jerked him backwards, and then on the nightstand as it threw him sideways, but thankfully he was fine.  God was good to protect him, and to let him have a full week of fun and family before that seizure hit. 

It was a reminder of how fragile he really is in some ways, physically, and of how tough he is as he rebounds despite a sore head and a bitten tongue and not being able to taste food the next morning.  It jerks Gary and I back to reality, but also causes us to be thankful for every good day and special memory during our family trip. 

It may not always be easy to have Aaron come along, but it’s always worthwhile to have him along with us…..not just on this trip, but along this journey of life together with our special son. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Small Victories That Are Huge!

Anyone who knows Aaron or who has read my blog knows that Aaron is very set in his ways.  He is regimented about his life in every area.  When his routine or his order is disrupted, he will often react strongly.  Or if not strongly, he will react persistently until we just sometimes give up and realize that some issues are not worth the fight. 

Here are a couple examples of his way of doing things.  The first concerns time, and how he will only do things at certain times.  For instance, he will only turn on the television for Wheel of Fortune at 6:28.  Not 6:27.  It must be 6:28.  The other night, Aaron and I were playing Skip-Bo.  We finished our game….which he won, by the way.  He recorded his win in his notebook that keeps our scores, which shows him far ahead of me…..and which gives him great delight. 

“Let’s go to bed,” I said.  Aaron looked at his watch, pushed nearly halfway up his arm…..another way he does things. 

“No,” he said after he saw the time.  “Not ‘til 10:00.”

“What time is it?” I asked.

“9:59,” he answered in all seriousness.

This time I did laugh, though not the belly laugh I desired.  He just looked at me like I was being ridiculous, which made it even funnier.  He is so funny, really, when he does this time thing.  I love it!

“OK!” he declared as he looked down at his watch again.  “Now it’s 10:00!”

So he got up and proceeded to get ready for bed.  He sees absolutely nothing remarkable about this, but I do totally enjoy these glimpses into his unique mind.

Well, usually.  Not always.

He likes to sleep in his sweater, but with his huge pile of covers it’s just too hot for that.  His reason for sleeping in his sweater is that he feels cold at those times he may get up at night to use the bathroom.  He mentioned that fact the other night, so I suggested that he take his sweater off before climbing in bed and just leave it beside the bed, putting it on if he has to get up during the night.  We went over this change at least twice as we got his bed ready that night.

I was washing my face when there was a knock on my door.  It was Aaron, of course.  “Mom, so I won’t sleep with my sweater on?  I’ll put it beside my bed.  If I get up to go to the bathroom, I’ll put it on.  Then after I use the bathroom, I’ll take it off before I get back in bed.  Right?”

That’s right, Aaron.  Three times now that he had gone over this change.

Maybe two minutes later, another knock on the door. 

“Mom, so I won’t sleep with my sweater on?  I”ll put it beside my bed, and if I get up to go to the bathroom, I’ll put it on.  Then after I use the bathroom, I’ll take it off before I get back in bed.  Right?”

Yes, Aaron.  Nothing about that changed in the last two minutes.  Make that four times he had now gone over this change.

But this was a big difference to Aaron, and he wanted to be sure he had it down pat.  And now he does take his sweater off at night.  Good for him!

We have two other victories lately that I want to share.  One is about his bedroom.  We not only just had it painted, but Gary suggested that we change the arrangement of his furniture.  I was skeptical, but Aaron has done very well with this change…..for the most part. 

He has a new bedspread.  I told him I really didn’t want his animal print blanket to cover his pretty new bedspread, so this was a little challenging for   him to accept.  “I want it normal like it used to be,” he told me.  Still I showed him how I made his bed.  “I don’t like the way you do it.  The cover is bent,” he continued.  One day he watched carefully again as I demonstrated it to him.  He still wasn’t sold on it, but he did watch me as I made the bed look like this.

 

I walked up the hall the next morning, and found this.

 

I was delighted!  Aaron had tried to make his bed, even putting his pillow in the right place under the covers and then trying to tuck the covers under it.  Was it perfect?  No.  But to me it was beautiful because it showed a willingness to make his bed in a new way.  Progress!  YAY!!

He likes to put his Handy Answer Book on the floor, along with his bedtime log notebook and his pen.  I got a nice bin to put those things in, but he wants nothing to do with that.  He’ll keep his other books in there, but not these items that he has always kept on the floor.  So I’m not stressing over that small matter. 

 
His other area of routine, and victory, concerns leaving earlier than usual for his day group.  I signed up to take a Bible study on Thursday mornings, but it means I need to leave close to 8:45 instead of our normal 9:15……..just on that one day.  I talked to Aaron days before it was to happen.  He listened, but I knew he was mulling over this dilemma.  Then he said he would do it, and I was pleased, but skeptical.

On Wednesday night before the day of the big change, Aaron came downstairs where a friend and I sat. 

“Mom, I want to leave by 9:15!” he blurted out as he stomped across the room.  I knew exactly what he was talking about, and my heart sank.

He walked out of the room, but turned and barged in again.  “I want more time on my computer!” he angrily said.  And he sat on the couch beside me, and gave the ottoman a resounding, very loud whack with his big hand. 

He finally calmed down as I told him we would talk later, but at bedtime he seemed fine.  I was full of trepidation as I walked in his room the next morning, carrying his coffee and wishing that of all mornings he would have gotten up early like he sometimes does. 

He did get out of bed and one of the first things I heard was, “I want to leave by 9:15!”  I heard this from him several times that morning, but he wasn’t really angry.  And when it came time to go, don’t you know he got in the van and went at this early time without a fight?  I was so pleased and surprised and very relieved!

I pointed the beautiful clouds out to him as we drove to Paradigm.  I gave him an extra dollar before he got out of the van, and he was very pleased with that.  And as I drove away, in Old Town Wichita, I looked up at the gorgeous sky and I remembered that I needed to thank God for this real blessing on this morning.  It was a tangible touch of God’s grace in my life and I was so thankful for that. 
 

My friend at Bible study asked me how Aaron did, and she told me that she had been praying since Sunday for Aaron to do well.  That was another blessing!  I had no idea that she was praying. 

So between sweaters by the bed and new bedspreads being accepted and leaving early yesterday, I have reason to give Aaron a high five and a congratulatory thump on the back.

No, not the thump on the back.  He’ll return the hit and it won’t be soft, trust me!  Extra dollars don’t hurt nearly as bad.

 

 

 

 

It’s My Choice

“I am NOT going to Paradigm today!!” Aaron yelled at me. 

Here we go, I thought.  This will be one of those mornings.  And it was.  It all happened last Friday.  I’m not even sure what set Aaron on that anger path, but he was on it for sure with no apparent sign that he would exit anytime soon. 

“Go away from me!” he loudly said. 

Yet he kept coming into my room while I got ready, standing there telling me angrily that he wasn’t going to his day group.  But he knew the consequences of that decision without me uttering a word.  No Friday pizza.  He was in quite the dilemma as he stood there asserting himself, knowing that the further he dug his own hole, the further away he would be from his pizza supper.  Plus I wasn’t responding back to him the way he wanted.  He wanted anger from me, which would only feed his anger.  Aaron was ready for a verbal fight, and Mom wasn’t cooperating.  I stayed as calm as possible while still being firm, even though I wanted to yell every bit as loud as he was. 

Finally Aaron stomped away, walking up the hall to his room.  And then I heard it.  Aaron threw something up the hall, where it landed on the floor outside of my bedroom.  I knew what it was without looking.  It was his watch…..his broken wrist watch.  He had broken it at Paradigm almost two weeks earlier, although the details are still unclear. Nevertheless, it was broken and I didn’t replace it immediately.  So on this anger morning, Aaron decided to focus his anger on his broken watch….demanding a new one once again and complaining about how much he needed his watch. 

Aaron could tell that I was getting ready to leave the house, with or without him.  “OK!!  I’ll go, if you’re going to MAKE me!!” he said, dripping with frustration.  I silently went to the van, where he followed me and then stopped.

“Wait!” he said.  “I have to get my watch.”

He went back into the house and retrieved his broken watch, stuffing it in his pocket.  He couldn’t wear it on his arm, but every day he had put it in his pocket and taken it with him anyway.  Today was no different.  We were mostly silent on the way to Paradigm.  It was later than usual.  Aaron was sullen and still steaming.  I was deflated and tired. 

Earlier, as my friend Atha and I texted, I had said to her, “There are times I truly wish for a normal life.”  I always feel guilty after expressing myself that way, for I know that this life is what God has somehow allowed me to have.  I want to be like Esther, who came to realize that God in His sovereignty had put her in the place she was for that particular time.  Yet sometimes the place of us special needs moms seems to just be a place of frustration and dreary sameness.  We do get tired, especially on the angry days such as I was having with Aaron.

He got out of the van, still irate but somewhat calmer.  I just drove away, weary.  But I thought about Aaron with his broken watch in his pocket, carrying it with him all that day.  He also carries something else with him, something that often feels broken.  My heart and spirit.  A mother is a mother, forever changed by the children that carry part of her with them for the rest of their lives.  Aaron isn’t the broken one, but I often am.  I need God’s grace and strength so many times on this road, and He never fails me.  But I still feel the pain in my heart, my heart that Aaron unknowingly carries with him…..tucked away, just like his broken watch.

 
Later, I walked in the house and my eyes were drawn to a very little porcelain figure perched on top of our DVD player.  Aaron and I had set it there a couple weeks earlier.  I thought of the story told by that little figure, the love it represents.

Aaron had been to the zoo on Friday of that week.  He came home, excited to tell me about his favorite animals that he saw.  When I asked him if he had bought anything to eat, he told me that he had not bought any food but had instead bought something for me.  But with regret he told me that he had left it at Paradigm. 

“I can’t tell you what it is, Mom!” he exclaimed.  “It’s a surprise!!”

So when I took him to Paradigm after the weekend, on Monday, he was very excited for me to come inside with him so that he could hopefully locate his surprise for me.  He barreled into Barb’s office with me in tow, and Barb immediately pulled out of her desk a small brown bag from the zoo.  Aaron couldn’t wait for me to open it as he handed it to me.  And there inside the bag, wrapped in bubble wrap, was….well, what was it?  It was so tiny that I couldn’t exactly tell.  Aaron was rubbing his hands together as I gingerly pulled out a little porcelain zebra.  Why a zebra?  I have no idea.  But I loved it.  I loved the fact that Aaron had spent all of his money on Mom…..even though I worried that he went hungry.  What a special, loving gift from my son!

Now it sits on top of our DVD player, where it’s mostly safe from being broken.  You can hardly see it from across the room, it’s so little.  But the joy on Aaron’s face when I opened it was huge, and so was the joy in my heart. 

My heart, like all mom’s, holds at times great joy and then at times great hurt.  As with every situation in my life, then, I have a choice to make.  I can’t ignore the hurt forever and I can’t capture the joy forever.  We all experience both.  But I can choose which to dwell on the most. 

I can linger on the brokenness and carry it with me, like the watch in Aaron’s pocket as he carried it there day after day.  Or I can choose to see the beauty, hard as it may be, that does often surround me in my life with Aaron.  Brokenness or beauty…..it’s my choice.  In every area of life, that choice is mine to consciously make.  As I deal with Aaron, it’s also a decision I must choose. 

Will I see Aaron as a blessing?  Or will I see Aaron as a burden?  Will I allow my grumbles and sighing and my desire sometimes for a “normal” life rule my thoughts?  Or will I pull back, take a breath and pray to my heavenly Father, and then choose to see the blessings?  Even at the end of the day, if all I can say is, “Well, at least Aaron and I are both still alive.”  Hey, I’ll take it!  It’s a blessing!!

On that angry Friday, that tiny zebra reminded me that I do have many blessings and joys in this life with Aaron.  Sometimes they’re harder to see than at other times.  Sometimes my spirit is very frustrated and tired…..but so is everyone.  Really, we all experience plenty of both in our lives. 
 

What will it be? 

Brokenness…..or beauty?

Burden……or blessing?

A text from Atha this morning was perfect:  “Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name.  For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.”