I'm Patty, and my husband and I are living with our adult son who has autism and epilepsy. I love sharing lessons learned from life around me, especially life with Aaron.
Author: Patty hesaidwhatks
I'm Patty and I write about our adult son who has Epilepsy and Autism, who still lives with my husband and me, and who is a package full of many surprises and joys and challenges and TALK! Lots of talking, which creates laughter and some other reactions as well. I also write about how God shows Himself to me in everyday life.
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.It’s nice to have a day to declare our love for the people in our lives that mean a lot to us.I’ll admit that I have loved every flower and card and box of candy that Gary has given me over the years.But in the past few days, I’ve once again seen that the best gifts my husband gives is what he gives of himself, over and over and over, as we walk this life road together with our Aaron.
Gary and I love Aaron.We have chosen at this point in our lives to keep Aaron at home with us.It’s not always easy, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.However, there are two attitudes that help tremendously as we care for our son.The first one is humor.
I’ll be honest and say that I like it when I pick Aaron up from his day group, and hear him say, “WHEW!!I’m stuffed!!”He then tells me what he ate for lunch that day, usually something on the large side.So I casually ask if he wants supper and he often says no.
Now, I don’t mean to sound mean, but Gary and I do enjoy eating dinner alone.Just the two of us, enjoying casual conversation and pauses of quietness……blessed quietness.Because if Aaron is with us, he loves to talk about his day and his recent activities and what he ate and what he said and how he was just teasing this person and how he got in trouble and what movie he’s watching and what aliens he’s interested in and what game he’s playing, etc., etc.He watches for the slightest pause in Gary’s and my conversation, or maybe not even a pause at all, and will jump in quickly.
“AND……guess WHAT?!!” he’ll interject.And he’s off and running with another tale that he knows we MUST hear.There is a time and a place for us to hear from Aaron, but we also enjoy each other’s company at least a few times a week.
The other night Aaron wasn’t planning to eat with us.Gary came home to two place settings on the kitchen table.We soon sat down to eat, just me and Gary, when we heard that all too familiar sound of Aaron’s heavy footsteps on the stairs.How does he do that?How does he just KNOW that we are sitting down to eat?
Gary asked the blessing as we held hands, with Aaron hovering there between us.As soon as the “Amen” was said, Aaron launched in.“DAD, guess what?!”
“Aaron,” I interrupted.“I thought you said you weren’t going to eat.”
“I’m not,” he replied.“DAD, guess what?!”
So there we were, Aaron’s captive audience.It’s always a struggle for us to know how blunt to be with Aaron.We don’t want to make him feel like he’s not wanted with us.But, really, we didn’t want him to stand there the whole meal and talk up a storm……and he would.He was well on his way to doing just that.
Finally I said, without terrible bluntness, “Aaron, now you’ve talked enough.You need to let us eat.”
“OK,” he said.He walked over to the counter, picked up a pineapple that he noticed, and brought it over to us.
“DAD!!Look at this!!Mom got a pineapple today!”
In Aaron’s mind, he WAS letting us eat.I didn’t want to be so blunt as to say, “AARON!!QUIT TALKING!!”So I told Aaron to let us eat, and he WAS letting us eat while he continued to talk.
Gary, also not wanting to be too blunt or hurtful to Aaron, looked at me and said, “Your clarification of your wishes would greatly enhance your desired results.”
Aaron had no idea what Gary was really saying.Gary and I laughed and laughed, which made Aaron think that we loved what he was saying about pineapples……so he continued his talking while he let us eat, just like I had told him to do.
Next to humor, patience is another important gift that Gary gives as we live with Aaron…..or he lives with us.
Gary ordered two updated Star Wars games recently for Aaron’s computer.He installed them for Aaron on Saturday.Then came Gary’s strict instructions to Aaron about not changing settings or doing any other things to mess up what Gary had taken time to do.We have lots of experience with Aaron doing just that.
Gary and I came home from church the next day to find Aaron telling his dad that something wasn’t right about the games.Without even looking, Gary knew…..and he was right.Aaron had tried to put some codes in or something…..it’s all Greek to me……and he had jumbled things up.Gary had to sit down and re-do much of what he had just done the day before.
It was a resounding GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR moment, for sure.And Aaron knew it…..knew he had blown it and knew we were frustrated.
Aaron finally came in my room and said, “Nobody forgives me!”Can we spell the word D-R-A-M-A?
The game was eventually back up and running.Gary had slipped outside to take Jackson, our Dane, for a walk.The walk was, I’m sure, doing more good for Gary than for the dog.
Enter Aaron……into the kitchen, looking for Gary.Gary, who was nowhere to be found.Aaron asked me and I couldn’t lie, so with resolute steps Aaron was out the back door and striding across the grass to catch up to Gary and Jackson.I felt badly for Gary.I knew he wanted some alone time.
Soon I looked out the window, watching them come from behind the tall evergreens into my view.They walked slowly, Gary and Aaron, with Gary talking and engaging with Aaron.It warmed my heart, as I am quite sure it did Aaron’s as well.
Gary’s love for Aaron is a great gift to me. His humor and patience often come at times that we both need them the most.Often when I am tired…..done…..ready to check out emotionally……Gary will step in and save the day for me.Those are some of the very best gifts that he gives me, and they’re not just on one special day or two a year.
Of course, I do still love flowers……just in case he reads this, you know. 🙂
Aaron went to the Goddard Day School for three years, graduating from there at the age of 21.His teacher, Tom, was just wonderful with Aaron and with all the students.Tom would have one-on-one time with each student.He would fix tea, sit with each one, and just talk and connect.Tom called that time Tea with Tom.
When Aaron was a senior and ready to graduate, he was allowed to quit going to school earlier than those students who weren’t seniors.Tom was still teaching, so one day he contacted me and asked if he could have one more Tea with Tom time with Aaron.He said he would come to our house, so we agreed on a day for Tom to come.
On the morning Tom was to arrive, I had things ready for our Tea with Tom.Tom wanted me to join him and Aaron.Gary was at work, even though he had a bad cold, and couldn’t be there for our tea time.That little detail about Gary having a cold is important.
So is the fact that off our kitchen, down a couple little steps, is a guest bedroom.And a small bathroom.Because of Gary’s bad cold which made him cough all night, he had been sleeping in that guest bedroom.This is another important detail to know.
Tom, Aaron, and I were enjoying our tea as we sat at the kitchen table.Aaron was full of non-stop talking, as always, and Tom was his usual patient self.
Tom turned to me at one point and asked if he could use our bathroom.I pointed him in the direction of the small bathroom.As he headed that way, he saw the bedroom and for some reason he commented about it.
“I didn’t know you had a bedroom there,” Tom innocently said.
And before I could even reply, Aaron answered.
“Yeah,” he flatly replied to Tom.“That’s where my Dad sleeps.He doesn’t sleep with my Mom anymore.”
Well.
There it was, on the table……like a family secret thrown out there for Tom to know.
I was horrified.Mortified.
I looked at Tom, my face flaming at this point.But Tom had turned and was heading for the bathroom.
“It’s not that way,” I somehow managed to say.
“You don’t have to say a thing,” Tom answered.
“YES, I DO!!!!” I blurted out.
So I explained Gary’s cold…..and his coughing……and his thoughtfulness in sleeping in the guest bedroom so as not to bother me……and that he and I were fine.
Why was I having this conversation with a man??!!
And Aaron, as usual, was oblivious to my embarrassment and to Tom’s discomfort with the direction this conversation had taken.
When Tom returned, our Tea with Tom resumed.We chuckled and nothing else was said about this family secret, at least not that I remember.
We live in a culture where bigger is better and where a person’s list of accomplishments is what garners respect in many circles. Unfortunately, even as followers of Christ, we sometimes fall into that same mindset. Whether it’s in our churches or in our personal lives, often our feeling of worth and value to God is based on our list of “service” responsibilities. In our individual lives, too, we look around and so often begin to measure ourselves……usually based on comparisons with others. It’s a discouraging trap, one sure to bring defeat.
So often life doesn’t go the way we think it will. So many of us one day find ourselves looking around at our lives, maybe discontent and feeling of little use to anyone. Our past or current list of involvements may be small compared to so many others. We feel unimportant. Who wants me to fill that position? …
While we’re on the subject of night wear, before I put it to bed, I have another Aaron story to relate.I’m trying to determine the purpose of sharing this.I strive, with my blogs, to educate…..encourage…..enlighten…..entertain.And with this blog, I must say, embarrass.Myself.Embarrass myself.
Actually, it was Aaron’s fault.He did the embarrassing…..as usual.It’s up to me to do the telling, which can also be embarrassing.
OK, I’ve established that fact.
On the particular night of this story, Aaron and I had gone through his extensive bedtime routine.Blinds closed…..next day’s clothes laid out……glasses and watch put in their exact place…..shoes side by side in front of his trash can……clock turned so the light is hidden…..backscratcher and hand towel on his chair……stuffed animals in his bed……multiple blankets pulled up just right……pillow perfectly placed……and every wrinkle smoothed out of his covers.Every.Single.Wrinkle.
I answered all his questions about whether it was going to rain and would I have the baby monitor on and what the temperature was outside.A hug, a goodnight and I love you, and I was done.
A short time later, I had my nightgown on and was almost in bed when I heard Aaron call me from his room.I knew better than to ignore him.If I ignored him, I would soon hear him thumping up the hall and he would bound into our bedroom and tell me whatever it is he wanted to tell me.Therefore, I walked down the hall in my normal…..and might I add, modest……nightgown.I went into Aaron’s room, where he had turned on his lamp, and I listened to whatever it was he wanted to tell me.I don’t even remember what it was, but it could very well have had to do with aliens or something genetically modified, knowing Aaron.
It only took a minute, max, but it was long enough for Aaron to make an observation.
Fast forward to the next afternoon when he was home from his day group.He was filling me in on what he had done that day; what he had eaten; and whatever conversations he thought were interesting.
“Mom,” he finally said.“I told everyone that last night you came in my bedroom in your underwear.”
I try not to overreact with Aaron.Too much emotion or reaction can upset him, or anger him, or excite him.So as calmly as I could, I said……
“WHAT????!!!!!!”
I proceeded to explain that what I wore last night was a normal, MODEST, nightgown……NOT underwear, for crying out loud.
Aaron was the one who stayed calm.
“Oh,” he said, totally unaffected by my reaction.“I thought it was your underwear.”And off he walked, with not a care in the world.But I cared!!
I spent the rest of the evening wondering what the staff at Paradigm thought about Aaron’s brazen mother.I told Aaron the next day to be sure and tell everyone what his mother was REALLY wearing.And as time went on, it became a funny story that his staff and I laughed at many times.
I’m sure they never thought for a second that I would do such a thing.
While in Wal-Mart the other day, I noticed that they are in full Valentine’s Day mode. Candy, cards, flowers, clothing………..which sends a little shiver up my spine. Not because I’m so wild about all the Valentine’s Day commercialism, but because of what happened when I was in Wal-Mart with Aaron several years ago. I decided to share this story again because I realize that many of you haven’t read about that little incident. Plus it’s good therapy for me to write about it……to let it out. I’m actually not in therapy, but after reading this story you may think that I should be.
Aaron and I did our typical entrance into Wal-Mart on that particular day…….which means that Aaron stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of the crossing as we headed to the entrance. He then held out both arms, like a policeman stopping traffic, which garnered all…
I had my day all planned today, my to-do list made, and the order of that list firmly in my head.Take Aaron to Paradigm, then the post office, return an item to Gordman’s, stop at the Vintage store to ask about milk paint, run quickly into Dillon’s, probably get gas, home for a quick lunch and indoor straightening, and then outside into this upcoming warm afternoon where I was looking forward to some leaf raking out of our drainage ditches and picking up branches and maybe pine cones and cleaning off the front porch and vacuuming out the van……whew!…..and pick up Aaron and home to make supper and then Wheel of Fortune and ironing and then bedtime before I know it.
There.
What I wanted to get done today is based on what I need to get done tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.We all know how that is.None of these errands is life changing, by any means, so if they don’t get done today it’s really not a huge deal.
And they won’t get done today, at least most of them won’t.Poor Aaron had a night of hard seizures, so he’s having a day today of sleep along with a terrible headache……and the possibility of more seizures, so I won’t stray too far from him today.My to-do list pales in comparison to what he endures, and to how I hurt for him.
I’m extremely blessed in many ways and I recognize that.Gary’s job allows me to stay at home with Aaron.Gary is a faithful, hard worker.Aaron’s seizure clusters don’t happen daily, so he has many days where he feels good and is able to participate in life.And my greatest blessing?That I know God and I know that He is in control of our lives, including Aaron’s life.
Aaron came downstairs this morning, took his morning pills and some Ibuprofen for his terrible headache, and then lay back down on the couch with his soft pillow and his favorite fuzzy blanket and a trash can close by in case he needs to throw up.And as I listened to him breathing in sleep, I thought that this…..
This hard thing…..is what has continually over time drawn me ever closer to God.
If all I see, though, is Aaron and this sadness, then my faith will falter.But I have learned to look beyond the seizures…..the sadness for my son…..the pain…..and to look at God.
God….Who has a plan.I read in Psalm 25 this morning, and was so filled with joy.“O Lord, I give my life to You.I trust in You, my God!The Lord is good and does what is right.”And other verses this morning that confirmed to me that the very thing that causes me the most heartache is the thing that also deepens my walk with God.God does what is right, even when to me it seems far less than right.
It’s all in where I choose to put my focus.
Then my friend, Jill, posted an article on Desiring God…..an article on intimacy with God, written by Jon Bloom.It was excellent!And this statement in the last paragraph says it perfectly:“Intimacy with God often occurs in the places where we must trust Him most.”
Yes!!Lying on my couch is my son whom I dearly love, and whom I dearly wish could live a normal life, but God has not willed that to be the case.But in that pain of my mother heart has grown a deep trust in God, learned over time and in the hard, broken places.
I’m reading “Faith of Our Father” by Dale Ralph Davis, and is it ever good!Today I read about Abraham and his faith, but how faith isn’t always a piece of cake in the long term.Our faith can waver, so that’s why we need to keep our eyes on the One in Whom our faith rests.Davis says, “….if the object of faith is what matters, then don’t be overly worried about faith itself, wondering how much you have, anxious about the ‘amount’ of faith.”
I’ve heard people say, “Well, God didn’t answer my prayers.Was my faith not strong enough?”No, no!The strength of our faith has nothing to do with us but everything to do with the God that we trust.He is the strong one!And He DOES always answer prayer.It’s just that sometimes the answer isn’t what we wanted, so we tend to think that He hasn’t answered.In reality, what we’re thinking is that we just didn’t get our way.
I love Davis’ prayer at the end of this chapter I read today:“We give thanks, O Lord, for the trouble you take to help us go on believing.Teach us not to fret over the intensity of our faith, but convince us that even a weak faith may lay hold of a strong Christ.Amen.”
Amen, indeed!
My faith can on some days be weak.If I just look at Aaron…..his seizures……his autism and behaviors……his here and now…..and his future – then I can most definitely falter.But like Davis said, may my weak faith lay hold of a strong Christ!!
I’m not a super parent, but I do have a super God!
And the more I trust Him, the more my faith grows.
The impossibly hard times are times rich with learning, if we but let go of our pain and place our focus on God, Who loves us more than we can know.When I open my hand and place it in God’s hand, then I have also let go of the pain that I sometimes hold too close.
“Bible faith looks away from itself to the One Who promises and finds rest there.”(Davis)
I can be thankful that God took my to-do list and added the most important thing to be done, at the very top of the list.
Trust Him and rest in Him.
And to be here for my Aaron…..this son that has taught me so much, even when he doesn’t know it.
We’ve been very encouraged lately to see Aaron in mostly good moods at his day group, Paradigm. He had some very discouraging struggles over the last few months of 2016, but now it’s like he’s turned over a new leaf.We certainly pray that it lasts.Perfection?No, of course not, but he’s been far happier than he’s been in a long time.
Honestly, one reason may be that we did reluctantly increase one of his drugs he takes for his autistic behaviors.I think it has helped to calm him.With this increased calmness, then, has come the ability to relate better to the people in his surroundings.
Aaron loves helping.He would rather be out somewhere helping with shopping or errands at his day group than to go on most of their activities.The smaller group is more suited to Aaron, but the helping itself also does something for his ego, too…..in a positive way.
We’ve been praising him for helping Amy, who works at Paradigm, with shopping at Sam’s or WalMart for Paradigm supplies. We praise him for helping Brandy or Barb with work at one of the Paradigm residential settings.Aaron, like any of us, thrives when he is commended.And for all of us, it’s wonderful to be praising Aaron rather than to be fussing at Aaron.
His personal relationships with Paradigm clients have been mostly better lately, as well.Take his friend, A, for instance.She is usually Aaron’s nemesis, and he hers. There is much bad blood between them.But this week Aaron had a taco that came with his meal from Taco Bueno……and he gave it to A!!Today Barb sent me a picture of Aaron hugging A!!!
All which goes to show that when Aaron is happy, everybody is happy!
Getting Aaron happy, though, can be tricky.
And there’s something else.Getting Aaron happy first thing in the morning can be virtually impossible.That’s why this morning was such a shock, and worthy of a blog.
It started last night, when Aaron saw me carrying two pink AMVETS donation bags down to our guest bedroom.He asked what I was doing, so I told him that I was preparing donation bags for AMVETS.
“I’ll carry them out for you!” he enthusiastically offered.But I thanked him and then told him that I wouldn’t be taking the bags out until morning.
“What time are you taking them out?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I answered.“Just sometime in the morning.”
Aaron lingered.
“What time?” he asked again.
“I don’t know an exact time,” I replied, knowing how Aaron loves exact times.
More lingering.
“What time?” he patiently repeated.
I knew that Aaron would need an exact time or he would go to bed still asking me what time I was carrying AMVET bags outside!!
“OK,” I said.“Probably around 7:45.”
“So, 7:45,” Aaron confirmed.
“Well, maybe not EXACTLY 7:45,” I said, “but sometime around there.”
I was sitting at the kitchen table this morning.7:45 had come and gone.I hadn’t taken the bags out yet.I heard Aaron on the monitor, up in his bedroom, stirring and then getting out of bed.Before long, he came down the stairs and into the kitchen.I looked up and saw right away that he had put on his tennis shoes, still wearing his pajamas, and I knew right away why.
“Mom?” he asked first thing.“Have you taken the bags out?”
“No,” I said with a smile.“But let’s do it right now.”
Aaron, who usually isn’t very chipper in the mornings and likes to talk about how he doesn’t feel well, turned and put on his jacket.Then he followed me happily to the guest bedroom, took two bags, and carried them out to the end of the driveway.He came back and carried a small table out for me.Then we were done and Aaron went about the rest of his morning.
I was pretty amazed.I thanked Aaron, but not in a way that was too exuberant.Aaron doesn’t like excessive exuberance.He can be excessively exuberant, but no one else usually can.We’ve learned this about Aaron.
I’m a realist, born of experience with Aaron. But I am, at the moment, a very happy realist.I pray that Aaron continues down this helpful path, learning how much fun it is to be needed.We all love being needed, don’t we?
Aaron really is no different than the rest of us, despite his glaring differences that at times show outwardly.His heart desires praise and love and usefulness, just like mine.
He also desires…..eating out.
I think I’m seeing a Friday night plan taking shape.
Today I had my yearly appointment with my dermatologist, Dr. Householder.She gave me a good going-over, declared me free of any skin cancers, and then smiled broadly as she said, “It’s been ten years since your first skin cancer, so I don’t need to see you again.You graduated!”She smiled broadly and I did, too.I like Dr. Householder, don’t get me wrong, but it’s nice to be told you don’t have to come back for check-ups anymore.And today she didn’t even offer me her standard advice concerning what to wear out in the yard.A bonnet.Yes, she always urged me to make or find a bonnet, and to wear it whenever I did gardening or yard work.I just never could go there.I think Gary was glad for that.
I drove away from her office and thought back to ten years ago when I had skin cancer surgery.Thankfully, it was not melanoma.I had noticed a rough patch on the very top of my right ear for a long time, but never thought a thing about it.It would come and go, bleed and bother me, and then heal some before repeating the same thing again….and again.Silly me didn’t even think about skin cancer, though with my dad’s history of multiple skin cancers and surgeries, I should have thought of that first.
I ended up in Dr. Householder’s office, where she confirmed that it was skin cancer and that it would need to be removed.However, since it was on my ear and was fairly deep, she wanted me to see a plastic surgeon.She had never referred anyone to Dr. Schoonover before, so I was the first.I don’t even remember in which office I saw him first, but he did schedule me for surgery.Not long after, I had a decent sized pie-shaped wedge taken out of my ear, the two sides pulled up and stitched together, and was sent home to recover.I carried with me my appointment date and location for my post-op visit a couple weeks later, along with an awkward bandage on my ear.
The day came for my return appointment with Dr. Schoonover. This visit was to be at his east side office.I must explain that in the history of Wichita, the east side has been known to have more of what some locals call “old money.”It’s like the east side is richer than the west side, or something like that.I’m from the west side.
Now, I’m just a simple person.Not fancy, not rich……but my mother always told me to dress nice when seeing a doctor and so I try to do that.On this winter day, we had a good amount of snow on the ground.Therefore, with my khaki slacks and my warm sweater, I chose a pair of practical leather lace-up shoes.I felt like I looked just fine as I headed over to the east side of town.
I pulled up in the snow-covered parking lot of Dr. Schoonover’s office.It looked like a nice building…..and then I noticed the sign, the one that said something about aesthetics and plastic surgery.I walked carefully to the door, stomped the snow off my feet, and walked inside.
I felt like I had entered another world.The waiting room was gorgeous, with plush carpet and ornate furniture.No standard waiting room chairs here, I noticed.No adult contemporary music playing on the sound system, either.It was classical, of course.I signed in with the receptionist who was beautifully dressed and sitting behind a very pretty desk.And then I turned to take my seat.
Oh dear.I sat down gingerly in a chair as I tried to get my bearings.In a corner stood a huge piece of furniture on which there were bottles of make-up and skin creams for sale.Lovely curtains hung on the windows.Soft light made everything…..well, soft.There was a gorgeous table in the center of the plush chairs.
And in those chairs, scattered around the room, were sitting other women.No one had on khaki pants. No one had on a normal winter sweater.No one had on practical leather lace-up shoes.These women looked very rich…..very well put together……very stiff.They sat in their plush chairs wearing their wool pants and expensive jackets and leather high heels.How did they walk in those things?In the snow!No one made eye contact and there was no small talk that I remember.Of course, I was trying to scoot my feet back under my chair as far as possible!
One of the assistants came out of a room and her shirt was striking.It was black, and on the front in large and very sparkly letters it said, “BOTOX.”I really wanted to laugh at that point.What did I expect in a waiting room that wasn’t just for plastic surgery patients, but was for “aesthetic” patients?Look up that word.It means, “Pertaining to a sense of the beautiful.”That would fit!
And there I sat in my normal clothes, with my leather lace-up shoes under the chair, and an awkward bandage on my ear.I noticed something else.There were no magazines.No Better Homes and Gardens. No Sports Illustrated.No Taste of Home.
But guess what was strewn over the ornate table in the middle of our chairs?Thick notebooks with pictures in them.I leaned forward a tad so that I could see them better.I should have known.I saw pictures of women and then on the notebooks the words, “Before,” and “After.”
Aaahhh yes, of course!And it was then that I wondered if all those fancy women were looking at me and thinking, “She’s a Before.Definitely a Before!”HaHaHa!!
Well, I had what I called an ear lift, for crying out loud!!That should count for something!
I was very happy to finish with my doctor visit that day.Dr. Schoonover was happy with my ear.Makes me laugh to even say that when I think of what some of those other women were probably there for.Botox and tucks and trims and suction……who knows?Oh, and he took a picture of my ear and then of me……my whole face!
I wonder if I was in the After notebook after all?
My final visit with him was at the location of my choosing.I chose his west side office that was nearest to my house.It’s called Eberly Farm.
Everybody has a story.I’ve always found it so interesting to hear people’s stories.Biographies are some of my favorite books to read.Nothing, though, can compare to listening to someone tell their story…..their real life story.I’m not talking about famous people.I’m talking about common, everyday people like you and like me.
There is a story……an all too true story……that I have wanted to tell for a long time.A story of love, of sadness, of betrayal, and of ultimate forgiveness.
The story of Rachel and Leah.But not the Rachel and Leah you might be assuming I mean.This is not the Rachel and Leah story found in the Bible.No, this story is one that is all too close to my husband’s family.You see, this Rachel of whom I speak is Mama Rachel……the affectionate term by which Gary’s Grandmother, Rachel, was known.
Her story begins in the year 1905, when Leaketh Rachel Eller was born to Joseph Adam Eller and Florin Bavaria Moten.I include their full names because I find those mountain names to be so intriguing……so full of the rich heritage of the Smoky Mountains where they lived.It was in Weaverville, North Carolina, where Rachel was born.This little mountain community in western North Carolina was home to the Ellers.
They later moved to Flat Creek, not too far from Weaverville, where Rachel was raised……along with Robert, Roy, Mary Jo, Leah, John, and Jack.At the age of 12, Rachel went forward in their small country church and made a profession of faith, as it is often called.But Rachel would later tell everyone that she really wasn’t saved on that day.She made a firm decision to follow Christ two years later, at the age of 14, after singing in the church choir and being under great conviction about her sinful heart.That day, after she had washed the Sunday dishes, she went out behind the house.She walked up through the garden into a clearing in the pine trees.There she knelt on a large granite boulder and repented, promising the Lord to faithfully follow Him all the days of her life.Her commitment to follow Christ and His desires for her life that day never waned.She lived that life both publicly and privately before her acquaintances, her friends, and more importantly, her family.That decision to follow Christ totally changed her life, evident more than ever in the coming hard years.
Rachel
There was a man in those mountains, a good man, named William Edgar Edmonds.Edgar had been in the army, fighting in Mexico against Pancho Villa.When he was discharged from the army, he became a structural steel worker.And somehow he met Rachel.
Edgar and Rachel
Edgar and Rachel, he twelve years her senior, fell in love and were married in 1922.Rachel was only 18.Edgar was 30.Edgar lovingly called Rachel “Puny” because she had appendicitis shortly after they were married.Another, deeper pain entered their lives when Rachel lost their first baby.
Rachel
But more children followed.Willene, Jay, Betty, and Mary Leah were born while Edgar and Rachel lived on Balsam Avenue in Asheville, North Carolina.Edgar was a hard worker whose steel jobs took him far away from home for extended lengths of time.
Edgar left the steel jobs to take over a service station and garage so he could be home with his family. One autumn day he came home for lunch and told Rachel that he was going hunting with two friends.The three men later got in a small boat and proceeded to cross the French Broad River.Recent heavy rains made the river run high and the current strong as they set out in their boat.There is much mystery about what really happened that day, but the tragic end was the same…..Edgar fell, or was pushed, from the boat and drowned.
It was November 19, 1932.The first policeman who went to Rachel’s door to give her the horrible news couldn’t bring himself to tell her, so a second policeman broke the awful news to her.Rachel was holding 3 month old Mary Leah, and in her shock she threw the baby in the air.Rachel’s sister, Mary Jo, was there and caught Mary Leah in her arms.
The heartache was made even worse by the fact that Edgar’s body couldn’t be found.The raging river made it impossible for searchers to find his body, even after using grappling hooks and dynamiting the river bottom.Rachel’s grief was deep and unending.For weeks, she walked the river banks looking for her Edgar.
Finally, on April 8, 1933, three boys decided to go swimming in the French Broad.They held hands as they waded in the cold water, daring each other to get wet.One of the boys stepped on something, looked down, and told the others that he had found Ed.Later, one of Rachel’s brothers identified Edgar’s body.No one would let Rachel see him, though she tried.And so she began her life for real as a widow with four young babies to care for.
It wasn’t easy for a young widow in those days to provide for herself, much less for herself and 4 children.Rachel was fortunate to have a mother and father who were still living and who loved her.They built her a house on Flat Creek, where she moved and where she set out to raise her children.
There was another man in those mountains……a man quite the opposite of Edgar.This man’s name was Wayne, but he is known by family simply and disdainfully as The Preacher.He did go around the mountains preaching, but by absolutely no means did this man know the Lord personally.You will understand soon why I say that.
The Preacher carried the mail in those mountain communities.He was married to a woman, but one day he told her that he had met another woman that he wanted to marry.He said that her name was Leah.Leah……Rachel’s sister.But in the meantime The Preacher found out about Rachel, now a widow, and probably assumed that Rachel had insurance money.So he wooed Rachel, all the while seeing Leah.Rachel, unaware of any of this……and probably in some desperation over her situation…..married The Preacher.
Rachel and The Preacher lived at Flat Creek where a son, Wayne, was born to them.The Preacher began moving his other chidren to Flat Creek.Yes, there were other children up in those mountains……children that Rachel knew nothing about……children that she began to care for.
The Preacher eventually moved the family down to South Carolina for a period of time.He made the children work in the cotton fields…..hot, hard work in the summer sun.Then he moved them all back to Flat Creek, where later a son was born to unmarried Leah.Rachel and her mother were both with Leah when her son was born.Unmarried Leah…..but they all knew that The Preacher was the father of this new baby.And in anger, justifiably, Joseph Eller disinherited his daughter, Leah.
The Preacher moved Rachel and the children to Bryson City, west of Asheville, deep in the Smoky Mountains.Then came the war, and The Preacher moved to Akron, Ohio.Rachel finished training as a machine operator so that she could help during the war, so The Preacher sent for her and some of the children to come to Akron.Rachel boarded a bus for the long trip to Akron.She finally arrived, exhausted no doubt, and stepped off the bus.There stood The Preacher…..and beside him, to Rachel’s shock, stood Leah…..holding a baby.
Leah lived there in Akron with Rachel and The Preacher.It’s hard to imagine how difficult that was for Rachel.At some point, The Preacher came back to Bryson City.Later, he told Rachel he had a heart attack, so she returned to care for him.Leah returned to Flat Creek.
The following years were full of great hardship and terrible times.When he was home, The Preacher was mean and selfish.Then he would be gone for long periods of time, saying he was preaching revivals.Rachel did what she could to make ends meet.She was a mail carrier, even traveling over the mountains to Asheville.She was a seamstress……a maid at a hotel…..worked in factories……and gardened and canned at all hours so that she could feed her children.And feed The Preacher’s children, whom she still kept with her.
Finally, one day Rachel had lived in that desperate situation long enough.The Preacher came home, yet again, but this time Rachel told him to be gone when she got home from work.Whether it was in the way she said it, or some other reason, The Preacher did leave and never came back.
Years later, Rachel and Leah’s mother, known as Granny Eller, decided to try to find Leah.She was ready to ask law enforcement for help, but guess who stepped in and found Leah?Rachel.
Rachel contacted Leah, living in Arkansas with The Preacher, and told her that she needed to contact their mother, now very old.Leah eventually came home to North Carolina for a visit.None of the family wanted anything to do with her, except for one sister.Rachel.
Over the remaining years of Leah’s life, Rachel kept in touch with her.The one person that you would think would never want to talk to Leah again, much less see her, was Rachel.But Rachel had learned some lessons since she gave her heart to Christ at the rock behind her parent’s house on Flat Creek.That young 14 year old girl never dreamed the turn her life would take, but she had given her life to Christ and by doing that, she walked on a narrow path not traveled by many.
It was a path of some joy, yes, yet for much of her life it was a path marred by pain and hurt for which she could never have prepared herself.But she was kept on that path by the God she knew and loved, to Whom she was always faithful, and Who taught her about forgiveness.His forgiveness of her, and so her responsibility to forgive those whom had hurt her so deeply.
I met Mama Rachel in 1978, when Gary and I were dating.I loved her from the start.She was kind and she was wise.She loved telling stories, with a sparkle in her eye and her mouth turned up in a grin before she would often let out her wonderful laugh.She was a faithful saint, a woman of prayer……and her prayers and her love are the reason that Gary came to know Christ.I never detected an ounce of bitterness in her.
When later I listened to this story of her life, I was stunned.Just stunned that she had endured such awful things, but more so that she wasn’t angry or bitter.She wasn’t angry or bitter because she had learned how futile and disobedient it was to live that way.To follow Christ meant you let Him have charge of it all, even forgiving the ones that to us were the most unforgivable of all.
To follow Christ also meant loving everyone, including Leah’s three boys.Mama Rachel always let them know that they were cared for by her and welcomed in her home.She also did the same for the preacher’s other children, laying aside any heartache she may have felt in order to help each of them.They sometimes lived with her and continued to visit her for the rest of her life. The fruits of her forgiveness were seen in the love that these children had for Rachel.
On January 21, 2005, Mama Rachel celebrated her 100th birthday.
Mama Rachel on her 100th birthday, 2005
Then 10 days later she entered heaven, free at last from age and pain and the hurts of her life.She was truly an amazing woman in so many ways, but none more so than in her ability to live her life in forgiveness…..and model to all of us how to do the same.
Well done, Mama Rachel!Such a good and faithful servant.
Mama Rachel with Willene, Betty, Jay, and Mary Leah
It’s been another very mild and very dry winter here in Kansas. It’s felt and even looked more like spring than winter this year. While it’s been nice not to find ourselves maneuvering over slick roads, we do need some moisture. And boy, did we get it! A huge storm plowed into Kansas this week, leaving us in our part of the state with at least 14 inches of beautiful snow. We woke up to a world of glimmer as the sun shone brightly on the newly fallen snow. The ground is encased in a sparkly white wrap, fresh and mostly untouched in our big back yard.
I also noticed another result of our massive snow storm as I looked out of our upstairs windows. There hang long rows of icicles. They have their own unique beauty, all clear and shiny like hanging crystals. No two seem to be…