Patty hesaidwhatks

A Shining Light Among The Broken

Aaron followed me into the dining room one day. I wasn’t paying attention to him behind me as I worked on our Christmas village.

“Mom, look!” Aaron said.

I turned to see him staring intently at our little tree that is full of my Grandma Holly’s handmade ornaments, made with love so many years ago. This was a pre-lit tree, but as so often happens, those bulbs had long since burned out. I had replaced them with another strand of lights but left the unlit lights on the tree – hidden, so I thought, by the new lights.

“This light bulb doesn’t work!” Aaron exclaimed. And as his eyes roamed over the tree branches, he pointed out other broken small bulbs.

“Here’s another one!” he said. “And here…and here…and here,” he continued as he pointed to each one.

I see brokenness all around me. I see it as I walk through the stores…as I pick Aaron up from his special need’s day group…as we deliver for Meals on Wheels…in the prayers asked for family and friends…and sitting all around me in church.

And I see brokenness when I look in my mirror.

We all have those hidden struggles and deep pains that keep us awake at night.

Broken lights.

I think Christmas is the time of year where we see most clearly that there is nothing we can do to manufacture true peace in our souls.

We shop, put up beautiful lights and decorations, bake the best treats, send and receive the cards…

But deep deep down our particular broken areas of hurt and worry remain. No amount of self-help can take it away.

Yet a light does shine among our broken lights.

WHO we celebrate, or should, is the answer to our broken.

“There was the true Light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man.” (John 1:9)

“Christmas is a brilliant remembrance of the grace and mercy of God.” (Albert Mohler)

Our answer is in the Light of the world, Jesus.

Our broken areas are still there, but the light of Jesus can shine the brightest in our lives if we just let Him do so.

Our answer is not within us. It’s outside of us, through Jesus.

God sent Jesus, His Son, to live an unbroken life in this broken world so that we could know God through Him.

Jesus came TO us so that we could have hope IN us.

We can still point out the broken lights in our lives, but the true Light can shine the brightest if we believe in and receive Jesus, God’s greatest gift to us.

And His light will never be broken.

Aaron’s Joy to The World

Today after I picked Aaron up from his day group, we went to our vision center to get Aaron’s bent glasses un-bent. This will not be the last time we do this.

Aaron was super excited to show me the Christmas antler headband he had gotten at his day group. Of course, he grabbed it as we left the car and put it on his head as we walked in the door to the vision center.

I saw three other people sitting in the glasses area and thought our wait would be too long so I told Aaron we should just try again tomorrow.

This Plan B of mine was not acceptable to Aaron.

The poor new-to-us receptionist that was headed around the corner to the waiting area was suddenly waylaid by Aaron before I could even grab one of his antlers.

“HEY!” he loudly exclaimed to her. “Can I stay and get my glasses adjusted?”

She stammered as I began to tug on Aaron’s coat while explaining to her that we would come back tomorrow because the wait might be too long.

“No,” Aaron said, “can I get my glasses fixed now? They’re bent!”

“Well, sure,” she kindly responded, “you can get them fixed today.”

“But I think we should come tomorrow,” I began.

But Aaron was taking off his glasses and reached out to hand them to her.

“Here!!” he said, “can you fix them?”

I had to explain that she was not the glasses fixer as she went back to her chair and signed Aaron in and my fate was sealed.

“Wait!” Aaron blurted out as we sat down. “Since we might have to wait, I need to get my sticker book out of the car.”

He was gone in a flash while I watched him from the window and hit the unlock button on my app.

The car would not unlock.

I tried again. Aaron stood there staring at me in the window and shaking his head no.

So out the door I went, got the door unlocked, and Aaron grabbed his book before walking briskly back to the waiting room.

Just as we walked in, the technician who knows us smiled broadly as she called Aaron’s name.

Actually, everyone knows us if I have Aaron with me.

This lady is the kindest person and she loves Aaron. She complimented his green sparkly reindeer antlers and then asked to see his latest sticker book. She took all the time in the world to talk to him, all the while with a huge grin on her face and true delight.

He was already busily filling his sticker book page as she got up to go in the back and work on his glasses. The page wouldn’t stay open, so he took the mirror on the table beside him and put it on the page to hold it open. He acted perfectly at home to do that.

I just relaxed in my chair. It felt good to take a breath after our very hectic and loud entrance. It was a big relief to be with someone who knows Aaron and who loves to talk to him.

Aaron didn’t see anything at all amiss about his loudness. He was totally unaware that all eyes were on him.

But me…even after all these years I still feel the eyes of the people around us and I struggle sometimes with embarrassment.

Yet I looked at Aaron sitting there, green antlers and all, with the mirror holding his book open and his eyes intent on each sticker being placed just right…

And I thought how to Aaron, everything in that moment was just right, too. He was getting his glasses adjusted and he was talking to someone who truly was interested in his every word, and he finished the picture he had started.

I looked around and saw the other technicians smiling at Aaron and at me. His comments were delighting them.

Aaron moved the mirror and gathered his book up after we were done. He was up and off without even a goodbye as our friend just laughed with…joy.

That was it, I thought. Joy.

I saw other patients smiling at us as we walked out, Aaron’s green antlers shining as he led the way to the door and the car.

There it was again as we passed them. Joy.

It was on their faces. I wondered what was on my face when we first came in the waiting room. I can tell you it wasn’t joy.

There are plenty of times that Aaron exasperates me but today it did me lots of good to pause and see that Aaron does have his unique and uninhibited way of spreading his own brand of joy to others.

I want to remember this day.

Green antlers and all.

You’re Looking for Reindeer WHAT?!

Our sweet (and funny!) friends got Aaron this exploding reindeer poop for his birthday.

He LOVES it and has had so much fun sharing it with Ryker. Recently he and I went to Walmart to buy more of the poop (REINDEER poop!).

Of course, Aaron, who loves to accost every Walmart employee within sight to ask them where something is, was on a mission.

We couldn’t locate the poop (REINDEER poop). As we walked up an aisle, Aaron began veering toward a woman in the unmistakable blue Walmart vest.

Me: AARON! Do NOT ask anyone where the reindeer poop is. We can find it ourselves.

We had already looked in one section of Christmas supplies without success. Soon I saw an employee walking our way.

Me: Excuse me, I have a question…..

Aaron: We’re looking for the reindeer poop! Can you tell us where it is?

Me: Aaron, HUSH!

Me (trying again): Is there another section of Christmas decor and so forth?

He was able to answer my question despite his confusion and on our way we went, with me ordering Aaron in no uncertain terms to NOT ask any other poor innocent employees for help finding reindeer poop.

Soon we were in the garden section, scouring the Christmas aisles for reindeer poop, when there stood an unsuspecting blue-vested Walmart employee with a smile on her face. A smile which Aaron took for an open invitation to ask the dreaded question.

Aaron: HEY! Do you know where the reindeer poop is?

Me: AARON!

Aaron: I’m just trying to help us find the reindeer poop.

So I felt the urgent need to do some explaining about reindeer poop while she told us where it might be and I continued with my explanation more fully while Aaron briskly walked toward, hopefully, reindeer poop.

I hurried to catch up with him.

Me: AARON! I will find the reindeer poop!!

We did locate it, finally. Aaron was super excited and rubbed his hands together furiously while I carried the poop prize to self-checkout.

Hey, if any of you want to buy some exploding reindeer poop I can lend Aaron to you. He’ll help you find it or find who will.

I dare you.

An Enemy and A River

I felt the knots in my stomach as Tuesday’s election results came in, and the reality of the results became clear.

Is this really happening in America, I wondered?

I felt a heaviness and a deep sadness for so many reasons. I know God is in control but that punch in the gut was there for me just the same.

I had decided on that day that I would re-visit the book of Joshua in my morning quiet time the following day. And there it was that morning, such a clear and encouraging truth from God. One I have known for years but need to hear again in times such as these.

God had led Israel across the wilderness, despite their disobedience, and brought them to this place of promise.

But Moses had just died. Their leader was gone when they needed him the most.

Ahead of them was a strong enemy nation, extremely violent and ungodly. Israel didn’t even have an army.

There was also the matter of the Jordan River. God led them to the river at flood stage, the worst time for crossing.

Could things be more dismal or hopeless?

But this was all part of God’s plan. His timing is always perfect – in HIS eyes, that is. Very often, not in ours.

God didn’t let a funeral or a strong enemy or a raging river stop Him.

“Moses is dead. Now cross the Jordan,” God said.

Moses died, but God’s faithfulness did not.

This is what we all need to remember as we look at the fearful prospects of what is happening in our country. Or as we experience the turmoil and stress of our lives in our homes and families.

God’s promise to Israel is also His promise to each of His followers today.

Listen to what God told Joshua:

“No man will be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you. I will not fail you or forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5)

And hear what God says to believers today:

“…I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you, so that we confidently say, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6)

The phrase, “I will not fail you,” in Joshua means that God will not relax His grip.

God will not let go of us who follow Him.

He is holding us as we see the rise of socialism and communism in America.

But He is also gripping our hand during every stress we face behind the walls of our own homes.

I took these two pictures on the same day, at sunrise and sunset. Let’s remember:

“From the rising of the sun…

to its setting…

the name of the Lord is to be praised.” (Psalm 113:3)

Great is His faithfulness!

Aaron’s Lost Order

One day last week our exterminator was coming. Aaron’s favorite storage place is his bedroom floor, so I had reminded him to clear his floor before we left the house.

Soon a very upset Aaron came bounding up to me.

“Mom!!” he angrily said, “I lost the order of books!!”

When I walked into his room, I saw this.

His large stack of books had taken a tumble, ruining the careful order that Aaron had put them in.

I knew not to dismiss what to us would be no big deal. To Aaron, this mayhem was a HUGE deal.

We got the books put on his bed as I assured him that he could restore the order when he came home later that day.

This is a perfect picture of our life with Aaron, more so lately than perhaps ever before.

Aaron has a rhythm to his life that he creates. His routines and methods are vital to his happiness.

We know better than to discount his routines.

There is always a balance in our life with Aaron as we seek to help him manage disruptions while at the same time validating his concerns…concerns of his that can lead to serious anger outbursts from him, which in turn lead to disruptions in our life.

Sadly, Aaron isn’t concerned about the effects he has on us. Autism often manifests itself as narcissism in Aaron and in most others that I know who struggle with this condition.

I have always said that physical disabilities are much easier understood than behavioral ones.

For instance, we have sadness and sympathy for Aaron when he has seizures. The interruptions in our life that seizures might cause when we must change plans are clearly understood.

But when Aaron loses the order in his life that he has created he reacts with anger that sometimes becomes rage. Nothing we say or do at that point has much if any effect.

I know when Aaron has a seizure that I can’t tell him to just wake up and come take a walk with me. He understandably is unable to do that.

But I must also know that when Aaron has an emotional meltdown over something that has upset him, I can’t tell him to just get over it and stop being ridiculous. He understandably is unable to do that either.

Except most of the time, at least on paper, his behaviors at those times are not understandable to most people.

My husband and I understand what is upsetting Aaron, most of the time, better than anybody.

But again, those behaviors of his…goodness, they take a toll on us some days.

Autism surely is full of puzzle pieces, but we don’t have a picture on the box to tell us what the finished puzzle will look like.

And the pieces keep getting rearranged as Aaron’s order from day to day gets lost in one way or another.

Sometimes, though, a sweet picture starts taking shape from all those random pieces that we’re trying to fit together.

Despite lots of anger lately about having to fit his precious nephew and niece into his life and how their being here at our house causes his order to be mostly lost, he does often pull it together and shows his caring side.

Saturday evening, I watched Ryker climb up on Aaron’s bed and hand Aaron his current favorite Golden Book.

Aaron took the book and started reading Goldilocks and The Three Bears.

When I read that book to Ryker, I use all the voices. Papa Bear has a deep voice. Mama Bear has a medium voice. Baby bear has a little baby voice. Ryker does the same when he “reads” it to us.

When I read it to Ryker, though, we don’t make it through the whole book in one sitting because Ryker is soon off and running to his next adventure.

So, there was Aaron propped up in bed with Ryker kneeling on the bed nearby staring at him. Aaron began to read Goldilocks and The Three Bears.

Except Aaron read the story with no inflection in his voice…no deep voice or medium voice or baby voice.

No excitement. No change in his voice when he read a question.

Just a monotone monologue. It was really hilarious.

And Ryker didn’t move a muscle.

Maybe he was in shock. I have no idea.

But for the first time that I have seen at our house, Ryker let Aaron read the whole book.

I think Ryker senses a difference in Aaron but in his innocence, he accepts his Unkie Aaron just the way he is.

Oh, that we could all do the same!

Especially when Aaron’s life, like his stack of books, has lost its order and we think we might lose our minds.

Ryker let Aaron finish reading his book.

Sometimes we need to let Aaron finish his book with us, too…to try to understand him as we listen to his anger and his words.

To accept Aaron as he is while still trying to teach him and show him that there are other ways to manage life when he loses his order of books.

You Never Do That To Me!

One of Aaron’s biggest struggles is with jealousy. And sadly, he is often the most jealous of the attention that we pay to our grandchildren.

Being Uncie Aaron is not always the joy to him that we hoped it would be.

On Saturday, Gary took Ryker for a ride around our yard on his riding lawn mower. (No worries – the blades were up). Sure enough, Aaron took note and soon said the all too familiar, “You never do that to me!”

So, Gary looked at Aaron and said, “Hop on!”

It was hilarious to look at Aaron sitting on Gary’s lap. Aaron was really too big to fit and it was very awkward. But good for Gary to give it a go! And he could only go in reverse, which made it even funnier.

How many times we have talked to Aaron about his place in our family as we assure him of our love!

I was thinking about this as I continued my study in Nehemiah today. Those that worked to restore the walls of Jerusalem, the temple, and the worship shared many various duties and positions.

Some were in high positions of leadership while others carried wood or cleaned up the many messes that were made. Yet each person was appointed by God to the job he had for them.

Do you ever wonder about your place in life?

Maybe you once held a position that is now gone.

Or you never had a chance to prove that you could do what that other person is doing.

Perhaps life has radically changed for you because of your health issues or age or finances or…you fill in the blank.

It’s so tempting to look at God and say, like Aaron, “God, you never do that for me!”

Comparison to others is the robber of joy.

Social media can be a real problem in this area. I can be just fine and out of the blue see a post that makes me wish for something I don’t have.

It can be any number of things, but the result is the same.

Ugly jealousy.

Discontent.

And if I don’t nip it in the bud, I might begin questioning God.

When we started our married life, Gary and I never dreamed that we would have a child with special needs.

Caregiving is not a life of leisure and does not allow for spontaneity in our lives. Caring for Aaron is our life.

We must consider him first in everything we do.

Your struggles are probably different from mine, but each of us do have those areas of raw questions that we may not share with anyone else but God.

Oh, but God!

He has given me that visual of Aaron riding on Gary’s lap to remind me that what I may desire is not His place for me.

I wouldn’t fit there.

God has put me here, where I am.

If I don’t believe that then I am not living in obedience and trust to the God Who really does love me.

The God Who has put me in this place in His family for a specific reason.

So Lord, help me to get off that tractor where I sometimes want to be.

Change my “You never do that to me!” to “Thank you for what you do FOR me in this place where you have put me!”

Not Of The World

The assassination of Charlie Kirk has shaken us to the core.

Years ago, I wrote about the hatred of this world toward those who follow Christ. The world yells that Christians are haters because we don’t condone every lifestyle that they promote and legislate.

In their mind, it’s ok to hate the haters. Haters must not be tolerated. Sin of every sort must be tolerated, but not those who call their choices sin.

The words of Jesus ring very true to us today.

“If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you.” (John 15:18-19)

Clearly, if we are following Christ we will be hated by the world. We stand in the good company of Jesus in that regard.

If you are comfortable in this world…if the sins of Romans 1 don’t cause you great alarm and concern…then you are of this world and you will be warmly welcomed by this world.

But those of us who follow Christ will not be tolerated by this world.

We saw that full display of intolerance when Charlie’s blood was so publicly spilled by the blind hatred of Satan himself.

Martyrdom seems so other-worldly.

So not American.

But no longer. The mask is off.

Light and darkness are on full display.

Spiritual warfare has become a reality to American Christians.

I read again the story of Stephen, the first Christian martyr. How much his story resonates with us now!

“And Stephen, full of grace and power, was performing great wonders and signs among the people. But some men from what was called the Synagogue of the Freedmen…rose up and argued with Stephen. BUT THEY WERE UNABLE TO COPE WITH THE WISDOM AND THE SPIRIT WITH WHICH HE WAS SPEAKING.” (Acts 6:8-10)

We know what happened. Stephen preached a great sermon.

The reaction? When they heard his words, they were cut to the quick and began gnashing their teeth at him.

They drove Stephen out of the city and then stoned him to death.

But let’s not forget this part of the story.

Those murderers took off their robes and laid them at the feet of a very religious murderer of Christians.

His name was Saul.

And Saul was in hearty agreement with putting him to death, we are told.

But Saul was later miraculously saved and became the Apostle Paul.

Fear not, Christians!

I believe that we are going to see a great work of God on this earth because of the death of Charlie Kirk.

I believe we will have many Sauls who will become Pauls…ones whom God will raise up to proclaim Him.

God knows what He is doing.

And we know that we can trust Him fully to perfect and perform His plan.

Suit up in the armor of God, believers!

Every Part and Piece

Early last spring we bought a play set to put together for our grandchildren. One of the first and most important steps was to carefully divide all the many pieces of wood into groups based on their stamped labels. Then we separated all the hundreds of screws and nuts and bolts and hooks.

Gary and two young men we know then began to assemble the play set. They carefully followed the printed instructions page by page. My job was to lay out all the screws and other hardware as well as the boards to be used in each step.

As we worked together, we quickly learned that only the particular pieces listed in the instruction manual would work for each step of the building process. No substitutions would fit.

The finished product was a beautiful play set that our grandson has greatly enjoyed. But it’s beautiful only because every part and piece was placed exactly where it belonged.

There were times as we were building that we questioned the placement of a section, but we had to trust the instructions and keep on going.

Isn’t this just like our life sometimes? Even as we follow Christ, we wonder at the way He leads. We question what He has allowed in our lives.

But we also have an instruction manual to follow. God told us clearly in His Word a very important truth.

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God…” (Romans 8:28)

We don’t need to understand all that is happening to us. The placement of the parts and pieces of our trials are usually impossible to understand.

Our responsibility is to love and follow our Savior, trusting that He is putting every part and piece of our lives into an order that will produce a beautiful work…one that will make us more like Him and bring Him glory as we trust His building process.

I love the verses of this very old hymn. I pray it means a lot to each of you as well.

If thou but trust in God to guide thee,

And hope in Him through all thy ways,

He’ll give thee strength,

Whate’er betide thee,

To bear thee through the evil days;

Who trusts in God’s unchanging love

Builds on the rock that naught can move.

Only be still, and wait His leisure

In cheerful hope, with heart content

To take whate’er thy Father’s pleasure

And all discerning love hath sent;

Nor doubt our inmost wants are known

To Him Who chose us for His own.

Sing, pray, and keep His ways unswerving;

So do thine own part faithfully;

And trust His Word, though underserving,

Thou yet shalt find it true for thee;

God never yet forsook at need,

The soul that trusted Him indeed.

(If Thou But Trust in God to Guide Thee, Georg Neumark, 1641)

Be A Shecaniah

I’m sure that all of you reading this know who Shecaniah is…or was, I should say. Right?

If you don’t know him, it’s because he is what Dale Davis in his book on Ezra calls a “minor character.”

Ezra and the people of Israel had been allowed to return to Jerusalem after the Babylonian exile. They were rebuilding the temple and the city’s walls. But as usual, God’s people chose to sin by intermarrying with the heathen nations around them.

Ezra was distraught as he confessed the nation’s sins to God. A large assembly of people had gathered when out of the crowd, Shecaniah stepped forward to encourage Ezra in the actions that needed to take place. He said there was hope for Israel despite their sin.

“Arise!” Shecaniah said to Ezra. “For this matter is your responsibility, but we will be with you. Be courageous and act.”

Ezra arose and acted, surely energized by Shecaniah’s timely shared wisdom.

All through scripture and history, God has used those “minor characters” to lift His discouraged servants and to accomplish His great plans.

I remember my grandma. She lived with us for 14 years. How often I would walk by her bedroom and see her sitting in front of her open Bible. Her head, covered in beautiful white hair, was bowed as she prayed for every single member of her large family.

She was what some would call a “minor character.” But her impact in our lives for Christ is major, I am sure.

Do you wonder what purpose you can serve for Christ?

It doesn’t matter who or where you are. We are never sidelined in our ability to pray, to send a card, to speak encouraging words to those around us who are struggling, to make a meal…

The possibilities are endless for us “minor characters.”

Let’s be minor characters making major differences in ways that matter most to God…not to be seen, but to be used by God for eternity.

Uncie Aaron…His Buddy and His Burden

Time waits on no man, Chaucer said. Time waits on no child, either. We see this clearly as we watch Ryker growing. Pictures from a few months ago compared to now show his physical growth. New words and speaking in sentences show his intellectual growth.

It brings joy mixed with a dose of sadness as all parents and grandparents know very well.

Ryker and Aaron’s relationship is also growing with time. We have seen great strides on Aaron’s part in his friendship with his little nephew.

Sometimes Aaron sees Ryker as his buddy.

Aaron still loves giving Ryker snacks.

He didn’t even mind Ryker taking his favorite chair one day.

They play funny make-believe games.

Wear goofy hats of Aaron’s.

Watch cars zoom down the track.

Do chalk drawings.

Laugh at silly cartoons.

Thoroughly enjoy water balloons.

Blow dandelions.

Play music.

Occasionally share the playset.

Fly a plane.

And one of the best is when they watched our fireworks on the Fourth.

It’s just the cutest thing to see Aaron look at Ryker and say, “Ryker! Come on!” Then to see Ryker bolt as fast as he can on his little legs to run with Aaron up the stairs to Aaron’s room where all sorts of fun and unique gadgets await his exploration.

And snacks that are new to Ryker! Dots! Red Hots! Pistachios!

And gum!

So, you can see that we must monitor things closely, sometimes much to Aaron and Ryker’s frustration.

But for all the positive steps forward, Aaron still carries the burden of his autistic way of processing his world and how others impact it.

Aaron sends mixed signals to Ryker. One minute he might be happily allowing Ryker to play with one of his cool toys and the next he might yell no to Ryker for touching another treasured item.

Aaron can be hurtful with his words during those times, and inappropriate.

Therefore, we must also monitor those moments as we try to foresee certain triggers that might upset Aaron. We’re just never totally in the clear and probably never will be.

Yet, again, the progress Aaron has made truly gives us much for which to thank the Lord.

The challenges cause us to seek God’s patience and wisdom as well.

Speaking of prayer, this has been one of the sweetest and funniest areas of Uncie Aaron and Ryker’s relationship.

Aaron has never forgotten a silly prayer that he heard in an old Don Knott’s movie when he was a child. He sometimes yells it out when we get ready to ask the blessing before eating.

“Rub-a-dub-dub!! Thanks for the grub!!”

No amount of correction on our part has kept Aaron from blurting that out sometimes. So, you guessed it. One day as we all sat at the table and joined hands, Aaron gleefully yelled, “Rub-a-dub-dub!”

And Ryker, without missing a beat, chirped “Rub-a-dub-dub!!”

Let’s close our eyes to pray now…and let the adults grin real big!

Every night as part of Aaron’s bedtime routine, we join hands and pray. Ryker has joined us before. One night I asked Ryker if he wanted to pray with us, so he scurried up on the bed, took our hands, and immediately launched into his own prayer. We didn’t understand much of what he said, but it was precious in God’s eyes, I know, and certainly in ours.

Andrea shared with us Ryker’s prayer one night at their house. I had come over to help with the baby. Laying in his bed before he went to sleep, Ryker prayed:

“Dear Jesus, dank you Gramoo. Dank you Uncie Aaron. Dank you donuts.”

Out of the mouths of babes.

Dear Jesus, dank you Uncie Aaron. Even in the frustrations…the continual training that sometimes never seems to take hold…the corrections…the monitoring…

May we see the joy he also brings…the laughter…the delight at the simplest things that we often overlook.

And the huge progress he’s made in his role as Uncie Aaron.

Let’s not forget donuts!

Rub-a-dub-dub!!

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