I'm Patty, and my husband and I are living with our adult son who has autism and epilepsy. I love sharing lessons learned from life around me, especially life with Aaron.
I remember teaching prepositions to our children years ago as we homeschooled. I wanted them to understand not only what a preposition was, but to also grasp the huge difference that a preposition made in our speech and our writing. Therefore, my instruction went something like this:
“Let’s get IN the car. Not under the car…behind the car…by the car…near the car…on the car…but IN the car.”
Why am I talking about prepositions?
Because the little preposition ‘IN’ jumped out at me recently IN Joshua 3:8.
God had led the children of Israel to the promised land. Not just TO the promised land, but now they were IN the land.
Yet a huge obstacle stood in their way. The Jordan River stood between them and the land that God had promised them.
Now typically, crossing the Jordan River wouldn’t have been such a big deal. But God chose to have the Israelites cross the Jordan during flood stage.
A little geography lesson might help us grasp just how difficult this crossing was. As Dale Davis says, “…the river helps one to appreciate the miracle.”
The river’s floodplain between the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea is packed with tangled brush and jungle growth. Crossing the river during flood stage was extremely dangerous, not only because of the raging current but because of the jungle growth underneath the water that would entangle you.
As I was reading about God leading the Israelites to go over the Jordan in Joshua 3, a phrase in verse 8 jumped off the page and right into my heart. God told the priests:
“…when you come to the edge of the waters of the Jordan, you shall stand still IN the Jordan.”
God didn’t tell the priests to be still near the Jordan…beside the Jordan…at the Jordan…but IN the Jordan.
I have written before about Psalm 46:10, my mother’s favorite verse. In fact, I have her framed copy of that wonderful reminder to “Be still and know that I am God.”
Be still. Quit striving. And know that God is God.
That’s the only knowledge we need as we walk through this life.
Sometimes God leads us right into the flood. We feel helpless and scared…maybe confused and bitter.
But this is where our trust in God can and should grow, even as the flood swirls around us and the undergrowth attempts to pull us under.
What is your Jordan today?
“Perhaps He brings us into impossible circumstances, situations so bleak and hopeless, for the purpose of impressing upon us that if we make it through, if we endure it, if we are not overwhelmed and washed away, it will be only because of His grace and power.” (Dale Ralph Davis)
So, be still IN your Jordan, and watch God work His best for you in that place of trust and peace.
Early one morning I heard a soft pecking sound. I was downstairs when I heard it. I thought it was coming from outside, so I opened the door but didn’t see anything. Still the sound persisted.
I went upstairs, where I heard it again. I went into one of our bedrooms and found the source. Here was the culprit.
This isn’t the first time we have had this happen. A female cardinal has done this over the years on occasion. Research has shown us that there are several possible reasons for this behavior. Females are very territorial, especially at this time of year when they are nesting. She may see her reflection in the window and thinks she sees another bird, so she might be trying to chase it away. Or she may see the reflection of the tree behind her in the window and might be wanting to check it out as a nesting site.
But the reasons for this silly bird’s actions are not the reasons for this blog.
I had fun showing Aaron our little cardinal as she pecked on our window repeatedly.
That night after we had prayed, Aaron came into my bedroom.
“Mom,” he said, “you should have prayed, ‘And help the woman cardinal’s head to not hurt.’ 😊
Our little confused cardinal has also interrupted my quiet mornings in our family room, and in our living room as well.
She is one determined little bird!
But I’ve thought of how useless her struggles are, when right behind her is a tree full of available branches for nesting. There are also bushes all around that area.
And how her possible fears of another bird in her territory are nonsense. Little does she know or realize that she is truly wasting precious time and energy as she flies into the windows, and pecks and pecks at nothing.
But oh dear, I am so much like that little “woman cardinal,” as Aaron said.
I struggle with myself over God’s leading in my life more than I care to admit. Years ago, when Gary was retiring from the military, we tried and tried to move near our extended families. However, no jobs at all were opening up for him. The only feasible job…the best opportunity…and the one that God kept leading us to as we prayed…is far away from where we hoped to live.
And now here we are, with two of our adult children living far away from US…one to the north and the other to the south, along with our precious new grandson. And we have Aaron, who is a huge reason that we are tied to staying where we are with great services and medical care here.
BUT…we did pray for God’s leading many years ago…and we did see Him lead us here.
BUT…because here isn’t always easy…how do I react?
Isaiah spoke to God’s people about how they depended on themselves instead of depending on God to protect them. God led them to their land centuries earlier, and to the city He chose for them.
Jerusalem was that city.
But Jerusalem had a huge feature that left them vulnerable to their enemies.
Their water supply was from the spring of Gihon, outside the city walls. With their human ingenuity, the inhabitants built a conduit to keep water flowing into the city. But then they developed an attitude of pride and trust in their accomplishment as they ignored God.
They had become focused on how to solve their water problem without depending on God.
Did God not know that Jerusalem’s location had this weakness…this problem?
Of course He knew!
Did God make a mistake when He led them there?
No!
“Did He not knowingly choose a city with a vulnerable water supply so that living in His city actually required an attitude and commitment of faith that what He thus chose He would also Himself safeguard?” (Alec Motyer)
How about me? You?
Am I like that little cardinal, trying for a better situation or a safer location than the one to which God has led me?
“….it is a sin to depart from a position of simple, uncomplicated, trustful faith, and to replace it with man-made devices and securities. Where the Lord has made promises our calling is to trust that He will keep His word, and to pray, and look to Him that He will do so.” (Alec Motyer)
I look around me, at friends and family and others that come across my path.
It doesn’t make sense that a spouse died and left his wife widowed far too soon.
That cancer took a daughter, a wife with young children, after so many prayers and hopes for healing.
That a mother collapsed and died so suddenly.
That a family is reeling from years of caring for their young son who is fighting cancer after multiple amputations.
You know the stories.
You have your own.
Recently my cousin and his wife, David and Cindy, left me with these verses that have filled them with great hope at this time in their lives.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
David was recently put on hospice care as his cancer is no longer responding to treatments. Yet he can say, “It’s often so hard to make sense of what God is up to, but we must keep trusting, keep persevering.”
And from Cindy, “…all these trials are used by God in shaping us and growing our faith to His glory! We are not alone. Hebrews 13:5 – I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
What a testimony of trust and faith they are to so many!
Oh little “woman cardinal,” you do not need to struggle so to find a better tree or to fight an imaginary enemy!
And oh, dear one today, if you know Christ and follow Him then trust that where He leads you is where He will supply your every need and fulfill His perfect plan for your life.
You do not need to struggle, acting as if God has made mistakes in your life.
No, he didn’t have a seizure. He was just having a very hard time waking up to start his day. It takes patience and wisdom on my part to deal with him when he wants to sleep late. Sleepy Aaron is almost always grouchy Aaron.
A scenario like this isn’t life changing. But lately, Aaron has been unsettled and extra-easily upset. Is it the new little member of our family that he is struggling to accept? Is he trying to establish his place of importance at home and at his day group? Side effects of the meds he takes? Or just the way his autistic brain functions in our world which is not always his world?
Probably some of all the above.
It’s been wearing on Gary and me lately. Tiring.
I walked back to my desk after several treks into Aaron’s room.
It hit me how crazy it is that at my age I am still actively parenting our son. This is not at all how I ever imagined my life would be.
Don’t get me wrong. I realize how very blessed I am in so many ways.
But some days I wonder…
It’s easy to get mired down in the stress and frustrations, to the point that I lose sight of the path.
I feel much like Job, which I just read that morning.
“Behold, I go forward but He is not there,
And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him;
He turns on the right, I cannot see Him.” (Job 23:8-9)
It’s not just the path that I lose sight of. Sometimes it’s God Himself that I cannot see.
Our emotions have a way of doing that to us.
Our disappointments can blind us to God in our everyday lives.
BUT!!!
“BUT He knows the way that I take…” (Job 23:10)
I may lose sight of God in front of me or behind me…to my left or to my right.
BUT…God knows the way I take!
God hasn’t lost sight of me!
That word “knows” in Hebrew means “designates.”
The word “way” means the “course of life.”
God has designated the course of my life.
God IS love and I know deep in my heart that His every plan for me is designed and wrapped in His love for me.
God also knows that I am but human…weak…questioning…fearful…sometimes angry.
Questions come easily when I am vulnerable.
Why does Aaron have to suffer?
Could You not have found another way to grow me, Lord?
If I allow myself to keep going down those paths, though, I will soon be off the path that God has for me.
That’s never a good place to be.
I need to be like Job, who in all his terrible suffering still said:
“My foot has held fast to His path;
I have kept His way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the command of His lips;
I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my
necessary food.” (Job 23:11-12)
Some days and many moments I don’t FEEL like I am holding fast to God or treasuring the words of His mouth.
But deep, deep in my heart I know that I do desire God’s will and God’s way.
We all go through the tough times, don’t we? Some are brief. Too many are prolonged…lifelong.
Oh God, show us every day that even when we can’t see You…You see us!
You appoint our path, hard as it often is.
Because in the hard is where we do more clearly see Your hand.
We feel your breath upon our faces as we wait before You, drying our tears and strengthening our failing hearts.
Then may we be able to say with Job:
“When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.”
I hopped out of my van as I ran some errands a few days ago. Well, hopped may be a stretch. More like I stepped out of my van, in all honesty.
I had noticed this beautiful sky and being as I love taking sky pictures, I paused to snap a quick shot.
I knew, though, that it probably wouldn’t be the best view because of the surroundings.
“Nah,” I thought as I looked at the picture on my phone. “It’s too cluttered with ugliness.”
I almost deleted it then and there but decided to look at it later and decide.
As I thought about that picture, and as I looked at it on my computer, the view reminded me of some things.
Those “not-so-pretty” poles and buildings and store sign are a lot like our lives. I can say “our” because we all know that every person on the planet has a life that gets cluttered with “stuff.”
We wish our view could be like this picture that I took this week as well.
How gorgeous! How impressive!
But life isn’t picture perfect for any of us. Life is full of grit.
Some of the hardships we handle are private. We don’t want anyone to know about them, either because of pride or because we don’t want to bother others with our “stuff.”
Other areas of life are there for all to see. We might try to hide our issues, or not talk about them, or hope that they’re not obvious. But at times the junk is out there and noticeable and we are humiliated.
Whatever is going on in our lives, though, that messes up the beauty doesn’t need to consume our vision.
It is up to me to choose my focus.
And so it is with our lives. On what am I focusing?
Better yet, on WHOM am I focusing?
“For my eyes are toward You, O God, the Lord;
In You I take refuge…” (Psalm 141:8)
Oh, may we all learn to shift our eyes from our problems, our pain, our hurts, our struggles…and instead focus toward God, our refuge.
God’s character never changes even as our situations do. His beauty is still there.
Turn from our grit to His glory.
“My eyes are continually toward the Lord…” (Psalm 25:15)
I realize that it’s way beyond time for a baby update. Speaking of time…where has it gone?!
Andrea will probably be admitted to the hospital this evening for an induction. She is on blood thinner because of an autoimmune disease so in order to change and manage that medicine, her delivery had to be scheduled. We would value your prayers for her and for their baby…our grandson!…during this process.
Aaron is up and down about being Uncle Aaron. He is so focused on the issue that he is making himself nervous about it. He talks and talks about being an uncle, to absolutely anyone who will listen…or who can’t help but listen as a captive audience in a check-out line, at their job, neighbors…
“I don’t WANT to be an uncle!” he declares.
Then he listens as he is told once again that being an uncle is a fun job. And that he will do a great job of being Uncle Aaron.
“But I might have to change his diaper!” Aaron says.
And that has been the biggest subject of conversation for Aaron. Changing diapers!
The nurse and staff at his day group have been so wonderful to help ease him through his diaper fixation. Look at these pictures from this past Friday as once again the nurse let Aaron practice changing a diaper. He’s always so excited to tell us that he passed the diaper changing test!
Added to diaper duty…which we have assured Aaron will not be required of him…is the actual trip to Texas to meet his nephew. Aaron is not a happy traveler. Therefore, his angst is increasing more than his excited anticipation.
All these matters tend to muddy our own joy.
I knew this from the very beginning, though.
I knew that I would struggle with being far from Andrea during her pregnancy and during her delivery and recovery.
And especially, being too far away to meet my grandson quickly and often.
That’s why, on the very night that Andrea and Kyle told us back in May that a baby was coming, I knew that a struggle for me was ahead.
I know me very well.
The next morning, as I continued my study in I Timothy, I asked the Lord to give me a verse or a part of a verse to claim during these months…actually, years…ahead.
God does not disappoint!
There it was!
A phrase in I Timothy 4:10 jumped right out at me and settled in my heart.
“…we have fixed our hope on the living God…”
I was so thankful!
My memorial stone was quickly written beside that verse: Baby Kester, May 22, 2022.
How many times, when I have started down that path of wishing for things that are not to be…or I have begun to compare myself to others…or I have questioned God’s ways…this phrase has calmed and assured me.
For if I can’t trust God in this area of my life, when CAN I trust Him?
Then just last week, as I was in the book of Hebrews and reading about Moses in chapter 11, there it was again.
Verse 27: “…Moses endures, as seeing Him who is unseen.”
Guess what the words “seeing Him” mean?
They mean that Moses’ eyes were fixed.
As in, “…we have fixed our hope on the living God.”
I was so touched that at the beginning of this grandbaby journey…and now nearing the end of the pregnancy…God once again told me to fix my eyes on Him.
This verb used in Hebrews refers to an artist whose eyes are fixed on the subject he is painting. He focuses solely on the subject, not on the distractions around him.
Raymond Brown also points out that this word indicates a determined choice.
“Westcott says that it is used by classical writers in the sense of ‘looking from one object to another.’ We fix our eyes on the ultimate, not the immediate, on the eternal reward rather than our temporal gain.”
What I really want to get across in all of this is this: I may be tired of my circumstances in some ways, but I am not hopeless!
I have fixed my hope on the living God!
God understands my desires and He knows my heart.
He keeps saying, “Patty! Focus!!” as my eyes begin to wander to the distractions around me and I start to be discouraged or sad.
God is so good to me. He understands and He does not demand perfection from me.
Just trust, and hope.
Hope in the living God Who has a reason and a plan for every part of my life, grandbaby included.
Hope in the living God Who sent His own Son as a baby so that I could have that hope.
I hope I have happy baby news very soon!
And Aaron hopes that he really doesn’t have to change diapers!
My spirit was heavy yesterday as I went about my getting-ready-for-the-day routine. Fresh on my mind was the night before. Most of the day before, actually.
Aaron. Anger because we said no to a game. His hovering presence as he told me not to write his name on our Christmas cards. Escalation from him and then finally from us.
Guilt. Regret. Failure.
There, in the heaviness, one of my very favorite Christmas songs came on Pandora.
Haul out
The holly
Put up the tree
Before my spirit
Falls again
Fill up
The stocking
I may be
Rushing things
But
Deck the halls
Again now.
I’ve loved that song since I was a child. Back then, life was simpler. Now, putting up a tree does not really keep my spirit from falling.
The day before, Aaron and I found out that one of our dear Meals on Wheels clients had suddenly died. His dog, Buster, was Aaron’s favorite. As we sat in the van, talking to the man’s daughter on the phone, Aaron was as shocked as I. He bent over and put the two dog bones he was going to give Buster back in the box. The look on his face broke my heart.
But Santa, dear
We’re in a hurry
So climb
Down the chimney
Turn on
The brightest
String of light
I’ve ever seen
Slice up
The fruitcake
It’s time
We hung
Some tinsel
On that
Evergreen bough.
The trappings of Christmas just aren’t cutting it right now.
Santa…lights…tinsel…definitely not fruitcake!
Not for me…not for my friend just diagnosed with breast cancer…not for our friends just home with their Speedy from yet another hospital stay…
For we need
A little music
Need
A little laughter
Need
A little singing
Ringing through
The rafter
And we need
A little snappy
“Happy ever after”
Need a little
Christmas now.
A little snappy “happy every after” is not what our friends at the funeral home needed to hear from us the other evening as they deeply grieve their son who took his life.
The next song began playing.
O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in they dark streets shineth
The everlasting light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight
Oh holy child of Bethlehem
Descend to us we pray
Cast out our sins and enter in
Be born to us today.
Certainly not a peppy, fun song.
But there is the real light that we need! Our hopes and our fears…our pain and sadness…our disappointments…
All are met in Him!
Jesus came to be our Savior, not to be the afterthought of all our Christmas decorations and gifts and food.
O morning stars together
Proclaim thy holy birth
And praises sing to God the King
And peace to men on earth
O hear thy sacred angels
As faith holds wide the door
Then darkness wakes, the glory breaks
As Christmas comes once more.
Jesus was born to be the answer to all of life’s hurts…hurts that can’t be ignored even at this special time of year.
No amount of fevered activity can relieve our sorrows.
We can’t manufacture a festive answer that truly lasts. What are we left with when the lights are taken down…the food is eaten…the gifts are opened?
We’re left either with a hollow void waiting to be filled again with our feeble attempts at happiness.
Or we’re left with Jesus.
HE is the light of the world. He wants to be your Savior.
Jesus has the answers that truly last amid life’s struggles.
Thank God for His unspeakable gift, the only gift we really need.
We just finished the Thanksgiving season with all the family gatherings, delicious food, and lots of photo opportunities. Now the oranges and golds are being replaced by the reds and greens of Christmas. More pictures to come, for sure!
Already our social media is brimming with the pictures that others are sharing of their Christmas decorations. So much beauty and creativity! I love doing that every year, sharing the warmth and glow of the season.
But the brightness all around us, even if we only see it in a photo, sure can make the other side of life seem even darker than usual.
Other’s picture-perfect moments, if compared to some of ours, seem off-the-chart wonderful…and ours. Well, the line on our chart is going in the opposite direction. Way down.
Several years ago, I saw this picture of Mary and Joseph after the birth of baby Jesus. It’s probably the most accurate portrayal of the nativity that I have ever seen.
The call of God on their lives to be the earthly parents of Jesus came at a huge cost to them. They knew that their reputations would forever be tarnished. Gossip and judgmental stares would be their lot.
But can you imagine the long trip to Bethlehem for the census? The discomfort, hunger, dirt, and fear?
Then the baby being born in an animal stable. We don’t know for sure, but did they have help delivering baby Jesus? How Mary must have wished for her mother to be beside her!
Can you imagine how alone they must have felt? No family that we know of to surround them with love and care. No beautiful nursery ready for baby Jesus. No comfort of a soft bed for Mary or Jesus. No kitchen full of food, or a meal train at the ready.
Joseph and Mary submitted without reservation to God’s call on their lives. That special call might seem sweet and incredible to us but to them I can pretty safely assume that on most days it was anything but that.
Over this past week, mixed in with all the beautiful pictures of family gatherings, I was receiving other pictures from our dear friends.
Dan and Wendy have loved and cared for their Elijah (Speedy) for many years. Speedy has an extremely severe form of Epilepsy. He was hospitalized yet again during Thanksgiving, for six days.
Lots of tests.
Still, lots of unanswered questions.
Always, always there is so much love from these amazing parents for their Speedy.
But the pain…the grief…is so real.
Raw…and deep.
Wendy and I talk a lot. We speak the same language that comes from special needs parenting. We can be real with each other.
We understand what Dale Davis was saying in his commentary on the book of Luke when he talked about the benediction in Hebrews 13:20-21…about the part that says may God “do in us what pleases Him.”
That part is scary because we don’t know what it is that will please God.
Can we be like Mary, though, and submit to God’s will for our lives?
“May it be done to me according to Your word,” Mary replied as she was called to be the mother of God’s Son.
“Submission is preferable to consolation, for consolation pleases us, but submission pleases God.” (Thomas Hog, 1692)
Let that sink in.
There are so many times that I would far rather have the photo worthy moments of family and fun and excitement and adventure and beauty to be the posts of my life.
Not the incomplete family photos.
Not the tiredness…anger…frustrations…comparisons…resentments that often accompany this special-needs life.
How about you? What is it in your life that you feel isn’t photo worthy?
What would you gladly trade in for a more beautiful shot?
Somehow, though, I know that God looks down on our broken and He sees the very people and things that bring Him the most glory and the most joy.
He sees way beyond this temporal into a plan for each life that goes far beyond what we will ever know on this old earth.
Tim, our hearts are across the country with you and the family today as you celebrate Alicia’s life. We are with you…with Bryson, Brayden, and Willow Grace…as you honor your amazing wife and mother.
I wish I had all the answers for you and the children about why God took Alicia so suddenly and so soon. Of course, I don’t. No one on this earth does.
Only God.
I wish I could take away your pain and deep grief. Of course, I can’t.
Only God.
What I do know is that God is with you. I know you know that, too. You may not always feel it right now, but you know it.
I thought of you this week as I read Genesis 46, about Jacob traveling down to Egypt to see the son whom he thought was long ago dead.
Jacob was settled in Israel, content there, and old.
Israel was the land God had promised to him and his descendants.
But now Jacob was faced with the inevitable…traveling down to Egypt to see Joseph.
Egypt.
Egypt was the enemy. Egypt was a place of fear…unfamiliarity…full of danger and totally distasteful to Jacob.
But God told Jacob, “I am God, the God of your father; do not be afraid to go down to Egypt…”
And God continued, “I will go down with you to Egypt, and I will also surely bring you up again…”
Tim, as the dust settles, and your life continues…but without Alicia…I pray that you and the children will know that God has gone down with you to this Egypt.
“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there. If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night,
Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.” (Psalm 139: 7-12)
Tim, God is with you and the children in this Egypt. And just like He promised Jacob, He will bring you up again.
God will heal your hurt.
God will comfort your deepest sorrow.
God will walk with you each step of this very hard road.
God understands the question, “Why?!”
Alicia, last week Tim messaged me and said that more than once you said you would love to have met me.
Let me tell you, that I have always wished for that as well…and never more so than now after reading the multitude of posts about how many lives you touched.
Tim said you were the kindest lady he had ever known and that he was blessed to have been loved by you.
I have seen this week that this is the lifelong impact you have had on many lives as a wife, mother, sister, friend, and a brand new RN.
And especially as a follower of Christ, your kindness and love will live on in the hearts and lives of so many people.
Death has not…and will not…dull your testimony.
In fact, I do believe that God will use this as the means to show us all how very important it is to know Jesus personally…to shine brightly for Him…and to always be ready to meet Him.
Speaking of meeting, you and I WILL meet one day…of that I am very certain. I look forward to that day in heaven when I do finally get to give you a big hug and to thank you for the impact you have had on my life even from afar.
Tim, Bryson, Brayden, and Willow Grace – you are covered in our prayers.
May you, as time goes on, be able to say with Jacob, “God answered me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone.”
I heard Aaron’s first seizure at 12:38 this morning. The second was at 2:37. As I often say, Aaron would appreciate that I am using the precise time.
Not long after 4:00 I heard him rustling. It wasn’t a seizure. I listened and knew that he was out of bed. He went to the bathroom and then back to his room. I heard his door close.
I got up and went to his room, fairly sure of what I would find. He had changed his pajamas and was getting ready to climb back into bed.
His sheets were wet. Bed wetting seizures are common to Aaron.
I had him sit in his desk chair as I changed his sheets. He watched my every move, as he is not only bent on using precision with his time keeping but is also particular about his bedding being just right.
I was thankful for waterproof mattress pads, and that we keep an extra one on hand. Thankful for extra sheets and blankets, and for our washing machine and dryer.
There sat Aaron. He was flicking his fingers together as he so often does now, more and more. There was some dried blood on the corner of his mouth where he had bitten his tongue during his first seizure.
He kept telling me that his head hurt. He wondered if he would have to go to his day group.
It always breaks my heart to see him like this. Broke my heart, too, as I asked him if he would have slept on wet sheets if I hadn’t come in there. He said yes because he didn’t want to wake us up.
I told him he never ever had to sleep on wet sheets.
I was finally done with his bed. It’s a stretch for Aaron to lay down under different covers than his usual ones.
“I want my Mario blanket,” he said as he looked at his bed all covered in a blanket not his own.
“But it’s wet,” I told him. “Here, I’ll get you another blanket to use.”
I walked out into the hall and opened the linen cabinet. I saw the quilt that we have had for many years and knew that the weight of it would be a comfort to Aaron.
As I carried it to his room and arranged it on his bed, I was thinking about the sweet memories of this quilt. It was a wedding gift to me and Gary, made 44 years ago by the dear ladies at Needham’s Grove Baptist Church in Needham’s Grove, North Carolina. My brother pastored there. The women in the church had gotten to know me while I was in Bible college not far away and would often visit on weekends.
Finally, I was finished with Aaron’s bed. He surveyed it as he stood up from his chair. I smiled as he immediately pulled out some wrinkles in the quilt before he walked around to get back in bed. He snuggled under the covers, and I pulled them up around his face, a soft smile of contentment visible on his lips.
It wasn’t even 30 minutes later that I heard another seizure. As I stood beside his bed, I looked at that special quilt again. Each stitch was sewn by hand…hands of women who loved the Lord and loved to give.
All those years ago, I had no idea what our life would hold. We were dreamy-eyed newlyweds with our whole life before us.
And now, under the quilt that we used to lay under, lay our special Aaron. Never would I have imagined that we would still be caring for our 37-year-old son…that the quilt that covered us now covered Aaron.
I don’t know or understand the reason for any of it.
But I do know my heavenly Father.
And I do know that He has stitched every little piece of my life and of Gary’s life and of Aaron’s life.
God has stitched it in order to create a beautiful work.
Not an easy work. And not the one I would have chosen if He had let me.
But do I trust Him?
And if I do, at what point do I stop trusting?
I either fully trust God, or I don’t.
That means, that even through tears and disappointments and frustrations and exhaustion, I trust the God Who has promised to direct my steps.
Who has promised that “underneath are His everlasting arms.”
I am never lower than His arms that are always under me to hold me up.
And neither are you, my friend, if you know and trust this God Who loves you so much.
Who gave His own Son, Jesus, to die for you.
And Who is meticulously stitching the fabric of your life…of my life…of Aaron’s…into a work of art.
Aaron loves walking in nearby Swanson Park. The weather finally cooled down enough a few days ago for us to enjoy a nice stroll on the paved trails.
Aaron is familiar enough with the park to know when we are nearing the small bridge that goes over Cowskin Creek. There it is, barely visible ahead of us as we walk the winding trail.
I know as we get nearer to the bridge that Aaron will tell me he doesn’t like that bridge. On this particular day, I offered for us to turn around and walk back the way we had come and not go over the bridge. But he did not want to do that, so we kept walking.
Each step brought us nearer to the scary bridge. Yet Aaron knew, through prior experience, that I would stay with him and that the walk across the bridge would end up just fine.
Sometimes I’m very much like Aaron as I walk with the Lord. I’ve walked with Him a long time, in many places and many varied experiences. God has proven Himself faithful over and over.
Yet still, when I know that up ahead is a situation that I may not like, I get unnerved.
It’s easy to focus on the scary bridge and not on the One Who is walking beside me.
Easy as well to want to plan and strategize.
If I do this, then maybe that will happen.
But I don’t see how it’s even possible to do this. So maybe I could try this other thing to make it all work out.
Hmmmmm.
Well, maybe this…..
No. I know! I could do……
Finally…I just don’t know how ANY of this can work out!!
All my planning falls in a heap of frustration.
You know what God really wants?
He really wants me to walk one step at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time.
He wants me to take the next step. Period.
And to quit stewing over what might be or could be or will it be?!
That’s what Ruth did when she and Naomi left Moab. There they were, two destitute widows with no plan and no certain future.
But Ruth just did the next thing…took the next step by asking Naomi if she could go glean the grain that the reapers left behind. She and Naomi needed food, and Ruth had learned that God had told His people to leave grain in the fields for those like her and Naomi.
Ruth couldn’t see what would happen tomorrow or the next day or the following week or next month or next year.
But she knew that today she could go and glean grain.
You and I know the rest of the story, but she certainly didn’t.
And more importantly, God knew all the twists and turns of Ruth’s life and of her future. He wanted her to each day take the next step of obedience, and to do so without knowing her future.
This is exactly what God wants of me…to walk one step at a time today without trying to leap ahead into tomorrow with all my plans.
All of us have a bridge up ahead in our lives. We have good things and scary things and hard things up ahead.
But we don’t have to walk across that bridge alone. If we know God, then He will be right there beside us, guiding us to take that next step.
“Trust the providence of God for tomorrow, and do the next thing in quiet faith today.” (David Strain)
He Said What?! 