Brokenness – He Said What?!

A Shining Light Among The Broken

Aaron followed me into the dining room one day. I wasn’t paying attention to him behind me as I worked on our Christmas village.

“Mom, look!” Aaron said.

I turned to see him staring intently at our little tree that is full of my Grandma Holly’s handmade ornaments, made with love so many years ago. This was a pre-lit tree, but as so often happens, those bulbs had long since burned out. I had replaced them with another strand of lights but left the unlit lights on the tree – hidden, so I thought, by the new lights.

“This light bulb doesn’t work!” Aaron exclaimed. And as his eyes roamed over the tree branches, he pointed out other broken small bulbs.

“Here’s another one!” he said. “And here…and here…and here,” he continued as he pointed to each one.

I see brokenness all around me. I see it as I walk through the stores…as I pick Aaron up from his special need’s day group…as we deliver for Meals on Wheels…in the prayers asked for family and friends…and sitting all around me in church.

And I see brokenness when I look in my mirror.

We all have those hidden struggles and deep pains that keep us awake at night.

Broken lights.

I think Christmas is the time of year where we see most clearly that there is nothing we can do to manufacture true peace in our souls.

We shop, put up beautiful lights and decorations, bake the best treats, send and receive the cards…

But deep deep down our particular broken areas of hurt and worry remain. No amount of self-help can take it away.

Yet a light does shine among our broken lights.

WHO we celebrate, or should, is the answer to our broken.

“There was the true Light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man.” (John 1:9)

“Christmas is a brilliant remembrance of the grace and mercy of God.” (Albert Mohler)

Our answer is in the Light of the world, Jesus.

Our broken areas are still there, but the light of Jesus can shine the brightest in our lives if we just let Him do so.

Our answer is not within us. It’s outside of us, through Jesus.

God sent Jesus, His Son, to live an unbroken life in this broken world so that we could know God through Him.

Jesus came TO us so that we could have hope IN us.

We can still point out the broken lights in our lives, but the true Light can shine the brightest if we believe in and receive Jesus, God’s greatest gift to us.

And His light will never be broken.

Lessons From the Icicles

It’s been another very mild and very dry winter here in Kansas. It’s felt and even looked more like spring than winter this year. While it’s been nice not to find ourselves maneuvering over slick roads, we do need some moisture. And boy, did we get it! A huge storm plowed into Kansas this week, leaving us in our part of the state with at least 14 inches of beautiful snow. We woke up to a world of glimmer as the sun shone brightly on the newly fallen snow. The ground is encased in a sparkly white wrap, fresh and mostly untouched in our big back yard.

I also noticed another result of our massive snow storm as I looked out of our upstairs windows. There hang long rows of icicles. They have their own unique beauty, all clear and shiny like hanging crystals. No two seem to be the same shape as the once dripping water has frozen into various forms and sizes. Icicles are fascinating to observe and can be very pretty when the sun is shining on them, causing them to gleam in the light. But icicles also have another aspect. They can be sharp and dangerous as well.

This morning I saw that the icicles hanging on the front of our house were starting to drip. They were melting because they were facing east, where the morning sun was beating down upon them. There was not a cloud in the sky and even though the temperature was cold, the warmth of the sun was still able to reach into their icy coverings and begin the melting process.

Soon I walked into another bedroom on the west side of our house, where the sun was not yet reaching. There hung another long row of icicles, still firm and cold in the shadow of the morning. The sun had not yet touched these frozen fingers of ice, so they were still solid and stiff. They didn’t really even appear as shiny and beautiful as the icicles that were being touched by the sun. These hanging jabs of ice seemed colder, even more harsh, than the icicles in the front that were warming in the sun.

These icicles reminded me of some of the lingering results of personal storms in my life…….especially times that have involved the hurt inflicted by others. I imagine that you have had those hurts as well. We all experience that pain at some point in our lives. If we’re not careful, those wounds can develop into icy slivers of bitterness in our hearts. Where there was once the flowing warmth of relationship there is now the frozen stab of disappointment that has pierced our heart. Sometimes the situation is private and no one knows about it but us. Other times the hurt is very public and embarrassing, misunderstood and whispered about by others. The results are the same, though. The pain created by these wounds is still very intense regardless of how they occur.

Solomon wrote about these matters. In Proverbs 14:10 he said, “The heart knows its own bitterness…..” No one but us knows what is in our hearts. We may appear to be fine and normal to others, but those icy shards of bitterness have frozen our hearts. We dwell on the situation and rehash the hurtful words and scenarios over and over again. Our heart knows its bitterness, so very well, and we become numb in our pain……….and numb to the other Person who also knows what is in our heart. God knows…..and He does care very much about that chill that has encased us and frozen us.

In Ephesians 4:31-32, there are several sins that God tells us to put away. The first one listed is bitterness. Then God says to “……be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other…..” So how can I be kind and tender and forgiving to those that have hurt me so deeply? How can my heart be warmed again when it is so frozen with injustice and pain? Well, it’s not easy, but God tells us here that the first way to start is to remember that we are to forgive “……..just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” How can I be unforgiving when I have been SO forgiven by God? I am forgiven……..and I must be forgiving to others.

When I take this first step and realize my position in Christ, then His light will begin to thaw that immobile, cold heart of mine. Forgiveness here carries the idea of releasing. I need to constantly release to God the people and the situations that have so chilled my heart. Let Him bear my pain and let Him warm my cold heart. And if those people are still present in my life, then I am to show kindness and tenderness. Look for ways to serve, to be kind, and to be tender hearted……..not hard hearted with a frozen heart but to be tender and loving. It’s not easy, but God will enable and give grace to do what is the most difficult.

Soon l will hear a dripping noise and realize that my once solid, icy heart is thawing out under the warmth of God’s love and His enabling. He won’t force me to allow His light to shine in my inner being, but if I open that door and allow Him in, then the melting will begin. Slowly but surely the damaging icicles will dissolve as I focus, not on the other person or on the pain that they have caused, but as I focus on the light of God’s forgiveness and love in my once cold heart.

Shine Your light in my heart, O God, and let the melting begin!

Remain With God

I’m sitting here tonight at my desk, feeling the weight of hurt that someone I love is enduring. Yet knowing, too, that God is at work answering prayers that have been prayed for years.

Sometimes God’s answers come with pain.

Praying with that knowledge is an act of sacrifice.

I don’t like pain and hurt, and I especially don’t like to see those I love in that condition.

A few weeks ago, I drove to see a sweet friend for the day. I shot this quick picture while I headed down the road.

That cloud was both beautiful and intimidating. Would it just stay a gorgeous cloud, or would it turn into a storm? On I went on the road I needed to take. Turns out there was a little thunder later but mostly I enjoyed a very pretty sky that God gave.

About this same time, I read I Corinthians 7. Paul was encouraging people of various situations in life…wives, Jews, Gentiles, slaves. He ended the section with these words:

“Brethren, each one is to remain with God in that condition in which he was called.” (I Cor. 7:24)

Three words jumped out at me.

Remain with God.

Whatever the condition to which we are called, we are to remain with God.

Sometimes…very often, actually…life’s situations to which God calls us are just plain hard.

Cancer. Oh, the dear friends I have who are battling cancer.

Dementia. Loss of a loved one. Or caring for a loved one with a serious illness.

Parenting special needs of any age.

And this world. This sad, scary, upended world.

But through it all, we are to remain with God.

Like that road I was driving, straight with a curve up ahead and a big uncertain cloud, but on which I knew I must remain until I reached my destination.

Remain with God through the tears, the fears, the pain, the pressures.

Don’t give up on God. Listen to what else Paul said about his own thorn in the flesh that God allowed him to have.

“And He has said to me, My grace is sufficient for you; for My power is made perfect in weakness.” (II Cor. 12:9)

If I don’t remain with God, then I will not be able to partake of His amazing and sufficient grace, or to experience His awesome power in my life.

Being under the hand of my loving Father is where I need to remain, regardless of the circumstances in which I find myself…or in which I find those that I love.

Remain with God.

There is no better place to be.

The UNhappy Uncle Aaron

Well, it’s time for another Uncle Aaron update. This is one that I have not wanted to make. You can probably tell why from the title.

Before I begin, let me say once again that the reason I write this blog is not to just tell funny or heartwarming Aaron stories. I began this blog years ago as an effort to educate people about special needs, autism and epilepsy in particular. Especially the autism part that makes Aaron so very amazing and unique.

But there is another side as well…a side of Aaron that has a hugely difficult if not impossible time adapting to change. Add to that issue the reality that Aaron is the center of Aaron’s world. He gauges almost everything in his life on how it will affect him. He has a heart as big as all outdoors in one moment, but in the next he might be having anxiety or a meltdown over something that isn’t going as he wants.

Our little grandson, Ryker, was born on December 21. Now Aaron was Uncle Aaron for REAL! But when we showed Aaron pictures, he backed away as if Ryker might reach out and slap him. Aaron was nervous and acted like he really didn’t care about our new family member. We knew then we needed to tread lightly as Aaron adjusted.

But look at Aaron’s smile when he opened this Christmas gift. We were hopeful.

I flew to meet Ryker a couple weeks after he was born.

Five days later, Gary and Aaron were flying in for a couple days. But the morning they were to leave, Aaron had a full-blown meltdown. The day before had also been rough.

To top it off, the flight was delayed that morning. Making the connection in Denver was doubtful. A very upset Aaron having to wait a long time for an uncertain flight in a strange airport far from home…ummm, I don’t think so.

Gary and I knew we needed to cancel the trip. The relief in Gary’s voice was palpable and I totally understood.

Aaron’s voice over the phone was thick with emotion and tears. After Gary cancelled the flight, Aaron was filled with guilt over what he had caused. He also worried about our reactions, and knew he should apologize. He was pretty pathetic. Here are Gary’s words in a text:

“He is 180 the other way now. Walking him back from his sorrow is almost as difficult as getting him out of his anger. Constant sniffles, watery eyes and suggestions in addition to the ‘I’ll go…I promised Mom and I promised Andrea’ there is ‘Can we get another airplane…can we drive, can we go tomorrow…dad, I’ll go.’ I feel like I just took a long trip!”

Gary continued: “He has said several times, ‘But I promised Andrea,’ and ‘I need to say I’m sorry.’ So I’ve said that we’ll call her and apologize. He walks to the phone and pauses, then says he can’t. It’s too emotional for him, I think.”

Down in Texas, I was full of both anger toward Aaron and sorrow for Gary, whom I knew should be there to meet his first grandchild. This picture should have included Gary.

It was good to talk to Gary, to Andrea and Kyle, and to have wise input from family and friends.

But most of all, the turmoil I felt was relieved by stepping back in the quietness two mornings later and reading scripture as I held precious Ryker. I read Psalm 62: “With You is unfailing love.”

How can I not love Aaron since God loves me in my stubbornness?

How can I not extend to Aaron the grace that God has extended to me? It’s honestly easier to accept God’s grace to me than to give that same grace to Aaron at times like this.

And like Gary also said: “I often wonder what God sees when He looks down at me? When I do not do what He would have me do or I don’t do what I should do, does He look at me like I look at Aaron?”

So, here we are. I wish I could report that Aaron has turned around and has decided to love and accept Ryker. But that hasn’t happened yet.

My second night home, this past Saturday, we had a particularly rough night with Aaron. There he was, sitting up in his bed, crying with brokenness and saying that he was afraid we would only love Ryker and not him. Gary and I assuring Aaron of our forever love for him while fighting our exhaustion and frustration.

Andrea is right when she said the next day that Aaron is just like a little sibling when a new baby comes into the home and the older child expresses jealousy. Aaron has no filters and makes no attempt to hide his feelings.

But here’s the thing and it goes back to autism.

Aaron CAN’T filter or hide what is going on with him right now. He is literally unable to do that.

Out it all comes and we are left to deal with it.

Sorry this is so long. Trust me, I could say a lot more but I’ll hush now and say thank you to each of you who have read this volume.

And a special thank you to those of you who have been praying for Aaron and for us. Please don’t stop. We need much wisdom and love.

Before I go, I just HAVE to share one more picture of our precious little grandson. It’s what a Gramoo does, right? 😊

Photo Worthy

We just finished the Thanksgiving season with all the family gatherings, delicious food, and lots of photo opportunities. Now the oranges and golds are being replaced by the reds and greens of Christmas. More pictures to come, for sure!

Already our social media is brimming with the pictures that others are sharing of their Christmas decorations. So much beauty and creativity! I love doing that every year, sharing the warmth and glow of the season.

But the brightness all around us, even if we only see it in a photo, sure can make the other side of life seem even darker than usual.

Other’s picture-perfect moments, if compared to some of ours, seem off-the-chart wonderful…and ours. Well, the line on our chart is going in the opposite direction. Way down.

Several years ago, I saw this picture of Mary and Joseph after the birth of baby Jesus. It’s probably the most accurate portrayal of the nativity that I have ever seen.

The call of God on their lives to be the earthly parents of Jesus came at a huge cost to them. They knew that their reputations would forever be tarnished. Gossip and judgmental stares would be their lot.

But can you imagine the long trip to Bethlehem for the census? The discomfort, hunger, dirt, and fear?

Then the baby being born in an animal stable. We don’t know for sure, but did they have help delivering baby Jesus? How Mary must have wished for her mother to be beside her!

Can you imagine how alone they must have felt? No family that we know of to surround them with love and care. No beautiful nursery ready for baby Jesus. No comfort of a soft bed for Mary or Jesus. No kitchen full of food, or a meal train at the ready.

Joseph and Mary submitted without reservation to God’s call on their lives. That special call might seem sweet and incredible to us but to them I can pretty safely assume that on most days it was anything but that.

Over this past week, mixed in with all the beautiful pictures of family gatherings, I was receiving other pictures from our dear friends.

Dan and Wendy have loved and cared for their Elijah (Speedy) for many years. Speedy has an extremely severe form of Epilepsy. He was hospitalized yet again during Thanksgiving, for six days.

Lots of tests.

Still, lots of unanswered questions.

Always, always there is so much love from these amazing parents for their Speedy.

But the pain…the grief…is so real.

Raw…and deep.

Wendy and I talk a lot. We speak the same language that comes from special needs parenting. We can be real with each other.

We understand what Dale Davis was saying in his commentary on the book of Luke when he talked about the benediction in Hebrews 13:20-21…about the part that says may God “do in us what pleases Him.”

That part is scary because we don’t know what it is that will please God.

Can we be like Mary, though, and submit to God’s will for our lives?

“May it be done to me according to Your word,” Mary replied as she was called to be the mother of God’s Son.

“Submission is preferable to consolation, for consolation pleases us, but submission pleases God.” (Thomas Hog, 1692)

Let that sink in.

There are so many times that I would far rather have the photo worthy moments of family and fun and excitement and adventure and beauty to be the posts of my life.

Not the incomplete family photos.

Not the tiredness…anger…frustrations…comparisons…resentments that often accompany this special-needs life.

How about you? What is it in your life that you feel isn’t photo worthy?

What would you gladly trade in for a more beautiful shot?

Somehow, though, I know that God looks down on our broken and He sees the very people and things that bring Him the most glory and the most joy.

He sees way beyond this temporal into a plan for each life that goes far beyond what we will ever know on this old earth.

And that’s what is eternally photo worthy.

The Sudden Dark Clouds

The other morning, I looked out my favorite upstairs window and saw this very pretty sky. The puffy clouds and the sunshine reminded me of summer.

Not long after, however, I noticed from another room that it seemed darker outside. I went back to the window and was shocked at what I saw.

Whoa! In such a short time the scene had totally changed. We went from bright and happy to dark and foreboding very quickly as a cold front began blowing in.

I have had those sudden dark times in my life.

That Sunday years ago when our normal day turned into terror as Aaron lay on our kitchen floor, seizing violently. The blur of a frantic call to the medical clinic…the ambulance…the German children’s hospital. The stabs of deep fear mixed with the frustration of the language barrier and the culture that was in many ways unfamiliar.

We went from worshipping God at church that morning to being blind-sided by a situation that we were totally unprepared for.

But let me tell you that Psalm 18:28 is true!

“The Lord my God illumines my darkness.”

He was there with us in that foreign hospital room, during all the tests, and the diagnosis…and He has not stopped walking with us on this road of special needs.

My prayer list keeps getting longer with names of so many who are hurting and struggling through various sudden changes.

Gary’s cousin, now a much-too-young widower whose precious wife collapsed and was gone.

A friend’s daughter…a young wife and mother…fighting cancer.

A cousin and a friend recently widowed.

Jobs ended.

Marriages over.

Cancer returning.

Listen to what else David says in Psalm 27:1:

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?”

God brightens the unknown!

His light shines brightest in the dark.

His character positively glows in our deepest hurts and with our tear-stained cheeks.

And we have no reason to fear because He is fighting for us. Psalm 27:1 continues:

“The Lord is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread?”

I love the song, Blessings, by Laura Story. Read the lyrics:

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand

To ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we’d have faith to believe.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?

I saw this beautiful scene a short time later, after the scary dark clouds had gone away, and I was reminded that God is still our light and our salvation.

Don’t fear, dear ones. God is still there in the clouds, and He WILL illumine your darkness with His sweet presence.

Yesterday’s Leading

Aaron doesn’t always like to be awakened from his sleep, either in the morning or after an afternoon nap. Yet when it’s time to get out of bed, it’s time to get out of bed! And I am often met with his anger during those times.

One day not long ago he wanted to take a nap. I asked him if he would get out of bed when I told him it was time. He promised that he would. I know Aaron, so I gave him the mom look as we stood there.

“Mom!” he asked, “do you trust my promise?”

I was honest with him and told him that sometimes he had a hard time keeping his promises when it came to getting out of bed.

Aaron’s question is one that I feel God is often asking me.

Sometimes the prayers I prayed in the past and the way that God answered leads to a place that is far from perfect.

If my trust is on my circumstances instead of on my heavenly Father, then I will most certainly begin to doubt His leading.

I know better than to live that way. I know the verses and I know the principles, but life’s realities sure can cloud that knowledge and turn it quickly into doubt and defeat.

God’s promises are not negated because of my feelings.

But my peace can be destroyed because of my feelings.

The trust I had in His leading yesterday is the same trust I need to have in Him when the path He led me to is not necessarily fun and joyful all the time.

Job felt abandoned by God as he endured horrific testing…testing that took place even as Job lived faithfully for God.

Job expressed his thoughts very honestly in Job 23. He said that he went forward, and God was not there. He went backward and did not perceive God. God did not seem to reveal Himself to Job on the right or on the left.

BUT!!!

“BUT He knows the way I take,” Job said. (Job 23:10)

Ah! The important thing for me to know is that GOD knows the way I take. Job was walking God’s path, treasuring God’s words, keeping God’s ways…and still lived with very hard situations in his life.

God knows my path, too…and yours. As you follow Him and ask for His guidance, then trust Him to do the best in your life.

Yet sometimes the best is tough.

“I’m living my BEST life!” we hear people say.

But then the pictures are usually beautiful and fun and happy.

Mine don’t always look like that.

“Patty?” God says, “do you trust My promise?”

“Yes,” I answer, “but why did You lead me here and now look at how it’s turned out?”

“Because I love you,” God answers. “I know what’s best for you.”

“I do believe that, of course,” I reply, “but…

“But DO you trust Me?” God asks again.

And I come full circle once again, forced to make a conscious decision about God…to firmly believe that He performs what is appointed for me, as Job said.

“Do you trust my promise?” God repeats.

“I do,” I reply, sometimes through tears, “because I trust YOU.”

Yesterday’s leading is still today’s place for me.

And that’s because of God…only God.

Remind Me That I Love You

Mornings for Aaron are definitely the time of day that he struggles the most. It can really be hard for him to get out of his warm bed and face the day. Not every morning is difficult, but let’s just say that for Aaron the majority of mornings do not have a right side of the bed. Both sides are wrong!

Aaron realizes this about himself. Therefore, sometimes he will tell me to give him a morning reminder that will hopefully help him to be cheerful. The reminders are about something that the day will hold…something that he is looking forward to and so will encourage him to get up happily.

For instance, he loves going to Meals on Wheels on Thursday mornings but sometimes he knows on Wednesday night that he may be grouchy the next day.

“Mom,” he says, “tomorrow morning if I don’t want to get out of bed just say Buster.’’

Buster is the little dog at one of our homes that Aaron loves to see and to pet. And Buster loves seeing Aaron.

Or on Valentine’s Day, when we were going to pick up roses to take to his day group friends, he knew the night before that he might be irritated about getting up.

“Mom,” he told me, “if I start getting mad in the morning just say roses.”

I love Aaron’s plan of action. I know he truly does want to be nice in the mornings. Sometimes his plan works, and well, other times it doesn’t.

One recent evening we were watching a favorite show. Aaron was all comfy and relaxed on the couch, legs covered in his ever-present blanket, and enjoying a yummy snack. He was the picture of contentment.

Such was not the case hours earlier as we worked to get Aaron out of bed and on his way for the day. That morning he was the picture of frustration and anger.

As we sat on the couch enjoying our program, Aaron was filled with happiness. He finally looked over at me.

“I love you, Mom,” he said.

The moment was genuine and so sweet.

“I love you too, Aaron,” I replied.

Then he seemed to remember our unhappy morning.

“Tell me I said that in the morning when you’re getting me up,” he added.

His words were a stop-me-in-my-tracks moment.

How many times in my life have I been filled with contentment as things are going well? Then it’s easy to tell God that I love Him. And I mean it when I say those words to Him.

But sometimes the bottom falls out.

Gary and I had been married for five years before Aaron was born. That positive pregnancy test was SO huge to us! How thankful we were! How full of love for God and His sweet blessing in our lives!

Now here we are, 37 years later, in a place we never dreamed we would be with Aaron.

Seizures. Autism. Behaviors.

Can I still lift my eyes to God and tell Him that I love Him?

Those warm fuzzy ecstatic moments of my first pregnancy are long gone.

In their place are many moments of worry, sadness, frustration, and bone-wearying exhaustion.

But here’s the thing. I know God in a deeply personal way.

And I know that often His ways in my life are filled with heartache and pain so that I will grow to be more like Jesus.

God hasn’t changed one little bit.

But He calls me to change, and His word tells me that this change toward likeness in Christ will involve the hard things.

Sometimes I have to will myself to remember all the reasons I have told God that I love Him.

And those reasons cannot be based on my circumstances that are happy and fun.

The reasons I love God are based on WHO He is…His character and His attributes.

I cannot base my love for God on how comfortable I am.

So, like Aaron, there are times in my life when I need to look at God and ask Him to remind me that I said I love Him.

Through my tears, fears, anger, hurt…through all the questions I have about God’s reasons and logic in my life…I must not lose my love for God.

Oh God, tomorrow…when things aren’t going too well, and I feel upset…remind me that I said I love You.

Remind me that You are the same yesterday, today, and forever.

And remind me of how very much You love me, too.

Humbled and Hungry

Recently, Aaron and Gary had both been feeling puny. In fact, they had each been tested for COVID. Thankfully, both were negative.

When a family member is sick, I slip into full-on caregiver mode – which means I usually hit the kitchen and start cooking. I did this last Monday, making a huge pot of potato soup. It was way more than the three of us needed but that’s the way I roll.

We sat down to eat that evening, where Aaron declared that he didn’t like potato soup and that he would not eat.

“That’s fine,” I said. “Suit yourself.”

Gary and I proceeded to eat. Finally, realizing that I was not offering another option to him, Aaron begrudgingly agreed to try a small amount. Three bowls later, he left our table full and happy.

“I liked the potato soup, Mom,” he told me later. I just smiled and thanked him, not telling him that I knew he would because he had eaten it before and loved it.

Sometimes Aaron needs to see that I am not going to give in to what he wants. I will allow him to get hungry in order for him to learn that the food I have made is good and that he needs to eat what is offered.

How amazing it was that the passage I read in Deuteronomy 8 happened right after this object lesson!

Moses was reminding the Israelites about the reasons God had told them to obey Him and to remember all the ways He had led them.

And then in verse three:

“He humbled you, and let you be hungry…”

God let them be hungry.

Why?

So that He could feed them with the manna that He provided. There was nothing they could do in the desert to feed themselves. He gave them what they needed, and in their hunger…a hunger he allowed…He showed them a great truth.

“…that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.”

I didn’t enjoy seeing Aaron hungry. It would have been easy for me to rush in and offer him something I knew he liked just so he would eat. But if I did, then he would have missed an important lesson: You eat what Mom has provided.

I can look at my life and see that there are many times when I don’t understand the way that God has led or the events that He has allowed.

I ask why. At the time, a decision seemed to be wise and right, but it led to situations that were hard. Sometimes those ongoing situations are the very ones that roll around in my brain in the dark night hours.

But I have learned to push those circumstances aside and to look at God Who loves me without fail. And I know…I KNOW…that the hard times – the times I am humbled and hungry…are by His design and His allowance.

God isn’t being mean when He allows me to experience hunger. He knows that in my hunger I will be more aware of His provision, and I will learn that I do indeed live and eat and prosper only through His food that He provides.

His words to me are manna and life and strength.

And I will come to Him one day, hopefully, full of His Words that I have eaten, and I will thank Him for the hunger that brought me to the place of being satisfied with His goodness.

“How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth!” (Psalm 119:103)

A Setback…But God

Seizures have been a part of Aaron’s life…and ours…since he was in the first grade. He had his first seizure at home on a Sunday afternoon, out of the blue and utterly terrifying. God was so good to let me be standing right behind Aaron when it happened there in our military apartment in Germany. I was able to catch him. If not, he would have fallen onto the hard kitchen floor and received a serious hit to the back of his head.

His seizures have morphed over the years, as seizures do, seeming to eventually bypass all the medicines and treatments that can be provided. The majority of his seizures occur in clusters during his sleep, most often at night. These clusters carry their own dangers, one of which is SUDEP – Sudden Death by Epilepsy. Those words from his epilepsy doctors over the years always send a chill down my spine.

Aaron has occasionally had drop seizures here and there. A drop seizure happens when Aaron is fully awake. They hit suddenly, with no warning to us. Aaron will fall either forward or backward like a downed tree, not able to break his fall.

A few years ago, he began having more and more of these drop seizures. He sustained significant injuries. Cuts, scrapes, bruising, stitches, a fractured tooth that had to be pulled, and very hard hits to his head.

Finally, on March 9, 2019, Aaron had a drop seizure on our stairs. He had walked up a couple steps, then fell backward, and hit his head on a metal file cabinet handle. He ended up with 8 staples in his head. It was awful!

When we got home from the emergency room and checked our mail, there was a letter from our insurance company approving Aaron for the new pharmaceutical CBD oil, Epidiolex. We had experimented with over-the-counter oils from good sources but had no success. His Epileptologist couldn’t provide any guidance for those OTC oils, legally. As soon as the FDA approved Epidiolex, Dr. Lee put in our request for approval. Now here it was, on the same day that Aaron had fallen…a visual and sad example of why we really wanted to try this new drug.

Dr. Lee was able to oversee Epidiolex since it was FDA approved and obtained through a prescription. Over the next few months, we adjusted Aaron’s dose and tweaked another medicine and waited to, hopefully, see positive results.

And we did! Aaron’s drop seizures totally stopped! We were elated, and soon began to relax. Our fear over those horrible and dangerous seizures slowly went away.

Until this past Thursday.

Aaron and I delivered for Meals on Wheels in the morning. We enjoyed lunch at a cute Mexican restaurant. Then home, where Aaron took a nap…and had a seizure while he slept. This is nothing uncommon.

Later, as I was getting supper on the table, Gary had just come into the kitchen. He was standing right beside Aaron when suddenly Aaron lurched and went into a seizure. But instead of Aaron falling into the table and a chair, and landing on the floor, Gary was able to catch him. This was truly from God, that Gary was there beside Aaron instead of across the room. We were so thankful!

We got Aaron safely on the floor. Such disappointment filled us both!

Almost two years since a drop seizure, and now this.

We hurt so for Aaron.

And I felt that familiar fear. It had come back.

But I also felt something else. I felt God’s peace pushing back on the fear. I forced myself to focus on God…His love and His plan for Aaron, and for us. That knowledge was the best push-back on the fear that threatened to fill me.

I also thought about Mary’s response to the angel when she learned of the very hard path that God had chosen for her…the path of unwed pregnancy in a time when she was no doubt shunned and gossiped about and disbelieved.

Mary said, “Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word.” (Luke 1:38)

Total submission.

Like the writer of Hebrews said, “Now the God of peace…equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us THAT WHICH IS PLEASING IN HIS SIGHT, through Jesus Christ, to Whom be the glory forever and ever, Amen.” (Hebrews 13:20-21)

God has been working on me this past year about being willing to pray in submission…being willing to say, “God, whatever it takes…”

Just two days before this latest drop seizure, I had been reading about Mary and then this benediction in Hebrews.

I don’t know what it is…what it will take…for me to please God.

But I do know that I need to be willing to let God do in me…and in Aaron…that which is pleasing in HIS sight, even when it may not be pleasing in mine.

Even when it hurts, deeply.

“Submission is preferable to consolation, for consolation pleases us but submission pleases God.” (Thomas Hog, 1692)

Who is it that I most want to please?

It’s tough when my submission involves my child. I love Aaron. I love all our children.

But a huge area of my close walk with God, which I truly desire, is to be able to submit “whatever it takes” concerning my children as well.

I humanly want the consolations of God…the closeness and assurance that I feel when He blesses me, and them, with wonderful things.

But true submission to God comes only when I am willing to relinquish all the warm fuzzies for the stark hardship that often comes when the deepest lessons…and blessings…are allowed to occur.

Allowed to occur because I am submitted to God.

God won’t bully me into submission. Submission happens when I open my hands and release my desires to Him, trusting Him to do what He knows is best.

Even drop seizures, if they do start again, are somehow being allowed by God in Aaron’s life and in ours.

The sky just before Aaron’s seizure that evening was so beautiful. I have only to look up and know that God is there for us.

The heavens declare the glory of God…and I want to do the same, as well.

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