Category: Adult Autism

The Serrated Line

On Wednesday night Aaron wanted to play a game, like he does every night of his life……and since I was too sleepy to feel like I could stay awake to read a book, I agreed to a game of Tri-Ominos with Aaron.  Does that sound self-serving?  I also agreed to a game because I do love Aaron, but sometimes I don’t like spending time with Aaron.  That may have sounded worse.  Well, anyway, some nights I just don’t have it in me, or I really don’t have the time, to sit at the table and play a game with Aaron.  Because it’s not just playing a game……….it’s listening to his non-stop talking on most nights about a movie or a favorite game………and listening to him thump on the table with his hand………..and listening to him whistle…….and listening to him clap…….and listening to him slurp out of his water bottle……..
But Aaron can also be very funny and insightful and interesting.  I’ve beaten him several times recently in Tri-Ominos, so he was absolutely thrilled when our first game went by quickly and he BEAT Mom 171-25!!!!   Of course, he wanted to play again and since we had time and I had no easy way out, I agreed.  This second game went by much slower, naturally.  His talk of clone armies and squads and drones and I don’t even remember what else was definitely having an effect on me.  I could NOT stop yawning and rubbing my eyes.  I was in a haze when I saw that Aaron had reached over and picked up my cardboard coupon from Bath and Body Works.  It was actually two coupons, with the serrated line between them.
I have to explain that Aaron, who clips all of my grocery coupons, can sniff out a coupon from another room.  I had a little stack of restaurant and other store coupons laying there on the table.  I keep them in a box in the van so I have them when I need them, and I had set these aside to take to the box later.  I’ve told Aaron and told Aaron that I don’t want many of those coupons to be clipped.  I prefer to store a sheet of those coupons in my box, for instance, instead of having 15 little cut coupons getting lost in the box.  Aaron’s radar went right to the Bath and Body coupons with the serrated line that was just screaming at him.  TEAR ME APART!………..is what it was saying to Aaron.  I looked over at Aaron through another yawn and saw that he held that little coupon strip in his hand, staring down at it with his motive clear.  YES, I WILL TEAR YOU APART!……..is what Aaron was saying to the coupons.
Now I realize this is no big deal, but you must understand that if you give Aaron an inch, he will take a mile……….clipping everything with lines on it along the way.  On Sundays, I have taken out some of the coupons from the newspaper insert that I don’t need in order to lessen his coupon cutting load.  But if he finds them, he gets irritated and insists on taking them so he can cut them out.  He doesn’t care that I won’t use them.  They have lines and they MUST be cut!!!  Can you spell r-i-g-i-d     r-o-u-t-i-n-e-s? 
So when I saw him with my Bath and Body coupon strip, my haze suddenly cleared and I told Aaron to put my coupons down, even as he was already starting to bend them at that screaming serrated line.  It took him a few agonizing seconds to put them back over in the little coupon stack where they belonged.  He so very much felt the need to tear those coupons apart.  I explained, as usual, that I didn’t want those coupons torn apart.  “But Mom,” he countered, “they have that line where they’re supposed to come apart.” 
No, Aaron, they don’t HAVE to come apart.  But my words did nothing to settle that conflict in his head about the purpose of that serrated line.  He thought that Mom was certainly ridiculous to not have torn the coupons apart already, and he was here to set this matter straight.  Several more times during our final game of Tri-Ominos I saw him with the coupons in his hands, and each time I told him no……..do not tear the coupons apart.  Finally, he reached across the table and handed me the little coupon strip.  He knew that the pull to tear those coupons apart was too strong to resist, so he handed me the coupons in an effort to rid himself of this strong temptation. 
“You just can’t resist tearing the coupons apart, can you, Aaron?” I asked.   And he agreed that he could not resist………so there, Mom!  Take them!  I kept the tempting coupons with me for the rest of the game, out of Aaron’s reach, and when we were through with our game I put them back in the stack of coupons waiting to be taken to the van.
The next morning,  Aaron got up and soon joined me at the kitchen table.  We talked for a few minutes about how he slept and about his upcoming day.  I was reading the paper as we talked, absorbed in juggling Aaron’s conversation with what I was reading………….when I heard it.  It was the soft but unmistakable sound of something being torn apart at a serrated line.  Zzzzzzzip.   My head jerked up and there sat Aaron, smiling broadly as he held those little Bath and Body coupons…….one in each hand.  He had torn them apart, of course.  His smile was not one of meanness, but instead was one of relief, almost.  His purpose in life………..for that moment………had been fulfilled.  The coupons were no longer tormenting him to tear them apart.  The deed was done!  The mission accomplished! 
Of course, I fussed at him and tried to correct him…….all the while knowing that he absolutely could not restrain himself from carrying out the purpose of that serrated line.  This is part of the complexity of Aaron.  I would say charm, but sometimes it’s anything BUT charming………..although these acts are often amusing as I look at Aaron’s gleaming eyes and big smile.
That afternoon he called me from his day group.  He had actually called several times during the day, but I wasn’t able to answer then.  When I did pick up the phone, the very first words out of his mouth, spoken with great feeling, were, “I couldn’t reach you!”
No hello or anything………..just, “I couldn’t reach you!”

Bingo, I thought!  Aaron, most of the time I can’t reach you either!  And I have some torn apart coupons to prove it!

NEXT Labor Day??

Ahhhhhh.   That’s me breathing a big sigh of relief after safely and happily delivering Aaron to meet his group today.  After a long break from Paradigm for the Labor Day weekend, I fully expected a grouchy Aaron to come barreling down the stairs this morning.  This fear was further confirmed when I heard him open his bedroom door early this morning.  An early rising after a long weekend at home usually means one thing………an unhappy Aaron not wanting to enter into his normal routine again.  It almost always points to Aaron sighing deeply while telling me how tired he is and that he can’t go to Paradigm, etc., etc. 

So I braced myself when after a few minutes I heard Aaron’s unmistakable loud thumping down the stairs.  His steps sounded chipper, not slow and labored, so maybe just maybe  he would be happy this morning.  He came into the family room carrying his big fuzzy brown blanket, his fuzzy black pillow that goes behind his back while he watches TV, his yucky hand towel that he carries everywhere because he never knows when he will need to wipe something yucky off of his hands onto his handy yucky towel, and his back scratcher that not only scratches his back but mostly is used to whack the arm of the couch or the ottoman – loudly. 

I still sat cautiously at the kitchen table as I tried to determine his mood.  “Mom!” he exclaimed.  “I slept well last night!”  Then I knew that he was happy on this post Labor Day morning.  We were off to a great start and I was very relieved, though I didn’t let Aaron know that.  No need to call attention yet to the fact that going to Paradigm was on the horizon.  Aaron continued, “Mom, last night I was reading in my Handy History Answer book.  I was reading about the Huns!”  He paused as he always does for me to have a chance to show that I am interested in hearing more about the Huns………although even if I don’t express such interest he’ll tell me more…….much, much more……about the Huns than I ever wanted to know. 

He did continue, of course.  “I’ve never heard of the Huns,” he said.  I reminded him that he had heard of the Huns back in school but somehow he didn’t seem to remember.  He was surprised that they were fighters and then said, “I thought they sounded like a religion kind of church group.” 

Nuns, Aaron.  That would be nuns.  Not Huns.

And I was glad that Aaron was making me laugh this morning instead of making me do something like pulling out my hair, as he sometimes does.  We’ve had a little of both on this long weekend just behind us.  The hair pulling hasn’t been over anything bad,  but listening to long drawn-out eternal conversations about the movie The Fly……..and then the movie Ghost Rider……..has been pretty overwhelming at times.  “Mom!  That guy was transformating into a fly in that machine!!”  And off he flew from there with all the talk of The Fly……and then Ghost Rider and flaming skeletons and watching multiple movie clips of both movies and trying to pay attention and answer a myriad of questions that I don’t know the answers to……….or even care to know the answers to……….

Tiring, to say the least.  And Aaron still talked to matter what we were doing.  He talked when we took Jackson on a walk.  He talked when we went shopping.  He talked when we went out to eat.  He talked when we watched racing on television, pausing long enough to see his brother, Andrew, on ESPN and being totally unimpressed.  Now if Andrew had been transformating into a fly or if he was a flaming skeleton, Aaron would have been very impressed.   Otherwise, not so much.

He also talked when we played Tri-Ominos. I dug out that old game and Aaron has enjoyed playing it once again.  Of course, he also spends a great deal of time making sure that all the edges of the many Tri-Ominos pieces are put together as perfectly as possible.  Scoot, scoot, scoot all those little triangles around!  But it does keep him focused on something else for awhile other than The Fly and Ghost Rider. 


So did finding a pile of Brain Seed Pods in our neighbor’s yard while we took our walk.  Oh, I know some people call them Hedge Apples but to Aaron they are Brain Seed Pods……..always have been and always will be.    

He also found a new television show to watch and TALK about this weekend.  It’s Animal Planet’s Call of the Wildman………about Turtleman.  This guy is wild and crazy and catches animals that are bothering people……….and Aaron loves him, naturally.  Aaron’s world is expanding, I guess.  Now we’ll be listening to a wild man on TV and living with one for real.

Back to reality, it was good to see Aaron be compliant and happy all morning with not one wild moment.  He took some baby carrots to give to Rosie along with a small bottle of juice.  He loves taking something to give to Rosie.  As I talked to his driver this morning, Aaron heard us saying that Paradigm was technically open yesterday but very few clients were there.  He got a wild look in those eyes of his as he blurted out, “Mom?!  Can I stay home on Labor Day??”

“Aaron,” I calmly answered, “you just stayed home on Labor Day.”

“I mean NEXT year!!” he continued.  “Can I stay home NEXT year on Labor Day?!!” 

Oh dear.  He was in no mood now to be laughed at, so I had to wait until I drove off to laugh loudly at his urgency to make sure he gets to stay home NEXT year on Labor Day.

And so life returns to normal after our holiday weekend………whatever normal is for us with our special, and sometimes slightly wild, Aaron.

The Power of Pancakes

I hadn’t been sitting on our patio very long on this beautiful Monday morning when the door opened and there came Aaron.  Remember yesterday?  I wrote about happy Aaron……happy to talk and talk…..happy to eat and to try a new smoothie…….happy to watch Zookeeper……..and happy to talk and talk about Zookeeper, among other things.  But this morning I saw a very different Aaron.  This Aaron was disheveled and frowning and tired.  Very enormously tired.  His finger was wrapped in a band-aid because he had torn a large piece of skin off near his nail.  And to top off his misery, he knew that Dad and I had taken the van in for some repairs.  This meant that his Paradigm driver would be picking him up at home today instead of us meeting them at Quik Trip like we normally do.  A change in routine on top of huge tiredness was putting Aaron on overload, and putting me on alert.

“Do I have to go today?” he asked.  I told him yes, knowing this wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear, but still saying it with a smile and some pep.  Aaron wasn’t buying it.  “Why?” he asked, this time with an angry edge to his voice.  So I gave him the reasons that I always give……..that this is where he goes and what he does; that he has fun there; that he has friends there……and he angrily replied, “I don’t care!” 

Now the pep in my voice changed to firmness and he settled down in his chair for a minute.  Then I told him that I was going to pour his coffee before I went up to shower.  He was quiet.  So I asked, “Hey, would you like some pancakes?”  And Aaron told me that he did NOT want pancakes………so I said OK and we sat there in silence for a minute or two.  I finally pushed out of my chair and turned to open the door to go inside.  Aaron was right behind me, and as the door closed and I turned to pour his coffee, he said, “OK.  I’ll take some pancakes.”

I got out the old cookbook – one that I’ve had since Gary and I got married.  I stirred together the pancake batter as the skillet heated, and soon I had three pancakes ready for Aaron to eat.  By now he was enjoying the music I was playing, and was talking away, relaxed and happy.  He took the plate of pancakes to the table, along with many pieces of silverware and the napkins and toothpicks and the comics.  He spied the next three pancakes that were soon ready and claimed them as well.  As he saw me finish making the last pancakes, he asked if I would sit at the table with him and eat as well.  I really wanted to go take my shower and get this day going, but I knew that he wanted me to stay there and so I did.  I munched on a pancake and listened to Aaron talk, of course.


He was very excited to tell me that he had finished the chapter he was reading in his Handy Science Answer Book.  “Last night I finished that one chapter and I arrived in that other chapter,” he proudly told me.  He went up to his room so that he could bring the book down and show me where he had arrived in the book.  He talked about numbers again, like he did yesterday, except today it was things like Pi and what it means and why it’s used……..and I suggested that he read that part of his book again instead of asking me.  Aaron finished his breakfast and went upstairs to shower while I cleaned the kitchen and got the sprinklers turned on outside.  After his shower, I put some medicine on his finger along with a clean band-aid.  I helped him with his belt, and he asked for help with his shoes, too…….saying that his finger hurt.
 
The morning was slipping away from me.  I knew I might be in the shower when Aaron’s ride came, and knowing that he was still a little “iffy” about the ride business and the whole idea of going today, I decided to wait on my shower until Aaron left.  Therefore, we sat on the front porch watching the sprinklers water our new grass seed.  Aaron was happy to have my time and attention, of course, so he talked and talked…………mostly about the Zookeeper movie once again.  Oh my goodness, he remembers every scene and wants to dissect every conversation and every look and every mannerism.  The heat and the sound of the sprinklers and his monotone voice was driving me nearly into a state of deep sleep……..but every time I felt my eyes closing, I’d hear him saying, “Right, Mom?”  I would fumble with some lame answer to a question I barely heard and he was content as he moved right on to the next sentence that had to be said.

Finally, his ride came and off Aaron went.  I tried to get my already late day into gear.  It wasn’t  going quite as I had planned.  I wasn’t frustrated, really.  I knew that making the pancakes and then spending time with Aaron had probably saved the day for him……..and therefore, for me in the long run.  Aaron left with a full stomach and with a back rub as we had sat on the porch glider together.  He was happy and said goodbye to me nicely.  Time spent with Aaron is never wasted, but sometimes it’s hard to let what I want to do be put aside to do what’s best for him.

Later, as I hand watered a section of our grass, I thought about how our children are like those fragile seeds that lay in the dirt.  They need watering and care, even when we don’t feel like it on some days.  We understand this as mothers, especially when our children are still young enough to live at home and be under our care.  But when we are older, and our children are older, the watering is mostly done and we then have more time to pursue other things.  Yet there I was this morning, making pancakes for my 28 year old son…….and sitting with him on the porch glider…….and rubbing his back……….and listening to his constant talking. 

I still have watering to do for this boy who is a man in years only.  It is not another’s responsibility but is what God has given Gary and I to do.  As I watered that seed, I thought of other moms that I know who are caring for grandchildren full-time…………or who are raising more than one child with special needs……..or who happily take foster children into their homes.  These women amaze me!  I was humbled as I thought about them and I felt very blessed to have their example to spur me on toward victory in this walk.  There’s not much room for selfishness, that’s for sure. 

Over the weekend, I had told Aaron that we should play Tri-Ominos sometime.  It’s been a long time since we played that game.  He asked me to play it with him tonight.  It was tempting to say no, but something made me think again………something about that seed that I had watered.  And those pancakes that I had made this morning.  So we played a round of Tri-Ominos tonight.  It was good.  He and I were content.  And as I urged him later to be quiet because Dad was in bed, needing his sleep for another hard day of work tomorrow, Aaron asked me to just tickle his back for a minute as we stood by his bed.  I wasn’t really wanting to do that, but I’m glad I did it.  You know why? 

Because Aaron told me about seeing the Hyatt Hotel downtown, except he pronounced it “Hi-yot.”  So Aaron said, “Mom, what is the Hi-yot downtown?” 

“The what?” I asked.

“The Hi-yot,” he repeated.  “You know.  That hotel.”

And I laughed, and Aaron didn’t mind that I laughed.  He said that Barb laughed at Paradigm, too, when he told her about the Hi-yot.  Which made me laugh again as Aaron stood there enjoying the back tickling.  If I hadn’t been tickling Aaron’s back, I perhaps would never have heard about the Hi-yot.  And I would not have had the laughter that warmed my heart and this memory that draws my heart to Aaron. 

No moment is wasted with our children…….not a single one.  From pancakes to the Hi-yot……..it was a good day.

Aaron’s Footprints

I wrote a blog in January of this year entitled Footprints.  I wrote about two young men, Tyler and Paul, who left footprints of blessing in Aaron’s life.  Today I’ve once again been thinking about footprints, but in a different way than before.  It all started this morning with Aaron saying, “Mom!  Guess what woke me up at 5:30?”  Since I could not guess what woke Aaron up, and since he barreled right ahead without really even giving me a chance to guess what woke him up, he continued.  “Dad walking down the steps.”

“How did you know it was Dad walking down the steps?” I asked.   Aaron quickly answered, “Because I know his footprints.  His footprints are heavier than yours.  Yours are lighter.”  I smiled, thinking of how on another occasion Aaron had described Gary’s footsteps as being deeper than mine.  Today he used the word “footprints” instead of “footsteps.”  With both words, though, he talked about hearing our feet as we walked without even being able to see us.  He recognized who was there without sight because he was so used to the sound of our steps. 

I’ve thought about this today in relation to Aaron’s footsteps and therefore his footprints in our lives.  Physically speaking, Aaron’s footsteps are very, very loud.  He doesn’t usually just walk up the stairs, for instance.  He thumps on each step with such force  that he sounds like a huge animal going up the stairs.  The same is true as he barrels down the stairs, and even as he crosses the floor.  Clump, clump, clump!  There is no mistaking that Aaron is on the move! 

Often when we walk into Aaron’s room to tell him something, we’ll find him with his headphones on as he plays a computer game or watches a movie.  He can hear us coming in, but he acts like he can’t.  We’ll speak to him or touch his shoulder, and he’ll give a fake jump and then loudly say, “You scared me!”  The other day I was downstairs on my computer when Aaron came home from his group.  I heard him, of course, but as he came down the stairs to find me he decided to turn the tables and be the one to do the scaring.  It was so funny to hear him trying very hard to come down the stairs as quietly as Aaron can be quiet………which isn’t very quiet at all.  But I played along and didn’t turn as he came into the room where I was sitting with my back to him.  He walked near my desk and then stopped, so I finally turned around and found him standing there with a huge grin on his face.  “I was trying to scare you, Mom!” he exclaimed.  “Did I scare you?”   I told him that he did scare me and I faked being scared as much as Aaron fakes being scared and he was very happy to have scared Mom!


Emotionally, Aaron certainly leaves footprints in our lives that we hear loud and clear.  One minute we’re laughing and the next we’re wanting to yell……….and sometimes do!  This morning he was talking to me and he was so happy.  Then I felt that little sting that he inflicts when he puts his middle finger behind his thumb and gives me a ping on my arm or my back.  I fussed at him all the way up the stairs!   And I know he’ll do it again at the first chance. 


Sometimes Aaron’s footsteps are light, as he says that mine are.  He can be funny and happy, showing us a view of life that we don’t see otherwise.  He notices everything, like this morning when he talked about the three sprinkler tripods that Gary set up in the front yard to water some grass seed.  “Mom, I see dad put sprinkler systems in the yard.  There’s almost a lot of them.”   I asked him how many sprinklers are “almost a lot” and he simply said, “Three.”  He didn’t say it, but I do believe he was thinking that Mom was very slow today.

Or the day that there was a staging crew at the house for sale across the street from us.  Aaron asked what they were doing and I told him they were staging the house to help it sell……..and I explained staging.  Later he went out to the garage and told Gary, “Dad!  There were scavengers in that house today!!”  Gary came in laughing and Aaron was still wondering about scavengers. 

His descriptions of things are amazing and unique and so funny.  Talking about a hot air balloon as opposed to a blimp, he said, “You know a hot air balloon……..the one with the bag on top!”  After listening to a song several times that I had played on a CD, he complained, “Mom, you got that song stuck in my head.  I want it stuck OUT of my head!!”  And describing the fact that his whiskers on his cheeks have grown some, he informed me, “Mom, the whiskers on the side of me have grown!”

Just as Aaron leaves footprints of frustration or footsteps of joy in our lives, he also leaves us at times with those deeper prints……….those times when we see his vulnerability and when we get a glimpse of his heart.  When he tenderly puts his arm around my shoulder and lays his head against mine………for no reason but to want to be close for a few seconds.  When he can’t speak after a seizure but looks at me with such trust and pleading in his eyes.  When I look outside and see him sitting by the mulch, thinking his thoughts and processing his stories in his head.  When he offers Andrea or Andrew a movie to take with them when they leave after a visit, or when he wants to buy them candy at the store when they are here.    When he calls me from his day group, like he did today, and says with childlike joy, “Mom!  I’ve been good today!”  And certainly when he talks about Rosie, like this morning when he said, “Mom, Rosie likes me.  What does it mean that she likes me?”


Sometimes Aaron’s footprints leave us heavy, as he described Gary’s prints.  Heavy with guilt as we react angrily to him.  Heavy with worry when he has seizures, or when we wonder about his future.  Heavy with responsibility as we weigh medical decisions, weight loss, friendships or lack thereof, and many other issues.  Heavy with tiredness at the end of a long day, when Aaron wants to play a game or wants help with getting every single wrinkle out of his bed or wants to ask about the weather one more time or tell me that he saw an ant in the sink……..and then thumps up the hall and knocks on the door one more time to tell me what the current outdoor temperature is.   Really?

With the deep prints and the light prints of Aaron we learn more about him……….and we learn much more about ourselves.  Some of what I learn about me isn’t so pleasant, and then at times what I learn is that I have grown a lot by having Aaron in my life.  Some of his prints I see and some I only hear, but they all are a definite part of my heart and of who I am today.  And I can hear him loud and clear, like when he was trying to quietly sneak down the stairs and scare me.  He doesn’t even know that I can hear him all day long, but I can.  In my heart I can hear him and I know his footprints in my life.

I pray that each step…….each print……..will make me a better mother to our special son.

Day By Day

My last blog was about the meltdown that Aaron and I both had last week.  Wednesday evening was not a time that I want to re-live.  I’m very thankful for the fact that Aaron and I  have been able to move beyond it.  I’m amazed at both his ability to act like nothing ever happened, and his inability to stop the impulsive behaviors that cause him so much anguish. 

On Thursday, the day after all the mess, Aaron didn’t want to go to Paradigm.  Whenever he has a significant incident,  he doesn’t want to face the people or the place right away.  I know this about Aaron so it didn’t surprise me at all that he didn’t want to go to his day group.  I also know better than to try to force him to go.  He calmed down on that morning when he realized that I wasn’t going to make him go, even as he promised that on Friday he would go to Paradigm.  He and I went to our optometry clinic, where they tried to repair Aaron’s glasses but couldn’t.  However, they were able to order new frames under warranty so there won’t be any charge.  This was the beginning of a day of blessings.

Aaron was fairly somber that morning, so I took that opportunity to talk to him again about his actions that sometimes get him in trouble.  As we began to talk, he asked, “What is my problem?  What do I do?”  He wanted to know what it is that he does that causes him such trouble with others at times.  His honest question surprised me.  I told him about the way that he likes to poke, pinch, and hit others.  Aaron thinks that this is funny, but no one else likes it.  Or they may tolerate it for awhile but then erupt in fury, such as happened the day before. 

Aaron listened, and then told me that he had talked to Melinda, one of the staff, about how he likes to hit and poke people.  He said, “I told Melinda that I think it’s fun.  Tomorrow I’m going to tell her that it’s not fun to me.”  There it was…………another glimpse into Aaron’s mind.  He really wants to be able to make himself quit thinking that this behavior is fun.  He rationalizes that if he tells Melinda it’s not fun, then maybe it really won’t be fun to him…….and maybe he can stop himself from this annoying behavior.  This will be easier said than done for Aaron, I know, but for then I encouraged him to keep on thinking this way. 

I had plans on that day to meet my good friend, Atha, for lunch.  I can leave Aaron for a period of time and so I decided to go ahead with our lunch date.  However, I still felt very tired from the bad time the night before.  I knew that time with Atha would be good for me, though, and so I looked forward to lunch.  I got a text from Atha that morning telling me that she had invited her friend, Joyce, to join us for lunch.  I wasn’t sure I was up for that, but off I went to eat lunch with my friend and to try to summon the energy to meet someone new. 

As we ate lunch and as I was getting acquainted with Joyce, I learned that she was widowed last year………but that God had brought a wonderful man into her life and she was going to marry him right after Christmas this year.  The three of us women, of differing ages and situations, shared stories and laughter and yes, tears, as we ate our lunch.  I was relaxing and I was thankful that I had come, and that I was getting to meet this sweet woman with a story of her own pain and joy.  I sat there fully aware that somehow God had ordained this day.  Another blessing was mine in that Applebee’s booth.

I heard my phone jingle, signaling me that I had a text.  I looked quickly to see what it was, and saw that Barb from Paradigm had sent me a message.  She told me that the staff had met, and that they had some plans concerning Aaron.  A therapy dog had been approved, so they were going to start the process of finding a puppy for Aaron and the other clients to love and enjoy.  They are going to set up a safe mulch area for Aaron so he can have some mulch time in which to calm himself.  They plan to schedule staff for small outings that Aaron might enjoy more than some of the big outings………like taking him and Rosie for walks at the YMCA.  She ended by saying, “We love him and we won’t give up on him!!”  Tears slid down my cheeks as I read the message to Atha and Joyce.  A third blessing!

As I was getting to know Joyce, I learned that she was an accomplished pianist and accompanist.  I told her that I would love to hear her play someday.  As our lunch ended, Joyce asked Atha and I if we would come to her house so that she could show us her newly painted peachy pink garage.  I told Joyce that I would come if she would play her piano for me, which she happily agreed to do.  But then Atha said that I must sing…..and I was not so sure.  I haven’t sung in several years and though I wanted to sing that day, I wasn’t sure if I could or if I would just stand there and cry. 

But there I stood by Joyce’s piano, after we had seen the peachy pink garage and been given a tour of her home……..and I held a hymnal and I sang parts of two hymns as Joyce so beautifully accompanied me.  It was a personally significant moment for me on several levels.  I didn’t cry, but I was deeply touched by God’s gift of this moment for me.  He knew that I wasn’t sure I wanted to meet someone new on this day.  He knew that I was tired and discouraged.  But He orchestrated this day for me……and for Joyce…..and for Atha.  It was no mistake that Joyce had called Atha that morning, lonely and wanting to see her.  It was no mistake that Atha and I already had plans on this day after my meltdown with Aaron…….and that I was very tired and in need of encouragement.   God prompted Atha to invite Joyce to lunch, and each of us was especially blessed because Atha obeyed.  God brought smiles and joy and some healing to each of us on that day, in just the ways that we needed.  A fourth beautiful blessing!

The last song I sang that afternoon was Day by Day.  This song so well describes our day by day with Aaron.

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best.
Lovingly, it’s part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me.
He whose name is Counselor and Power.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord.
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ere to take , as from a Father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

The perfect words to end a perfect afternoon.

The Meltdown

I had a meltdown last night.  A bona fide nasty meltdown.  I’ve been debating within myself about whether I should write about it.  I’ve told myself not to write about it for several reasons.  I don’t want people to think that Aaron is all that bad, you know…….because I write so often of his uniqueness and his humor.  And then my pride is involved.  What will people who think I have it all together think about the fact that I fell apart?  But then there are more compelling reasons to go ahead and admit what happened.  I thought of my friend Brittany, whose blog post about the reality of living with her special sister so touched my heart just a couple days ago.   http://www.specialneedsiblings.com/bring-the-rain/   If I’m going to be honest, where do I draw the line?  Will I be totally honest, or just partially so? 

I received a call yesterday afternoon from Barb, one of the managing staff at Aaron’s day group.  Aaron loves Barb and trusts her, as do we……….and we know that she loves Aaron.  As I listened to her, I could hear her heartache for Aaron.  It seems that Aaron was irritating a client by poking on him with his foot while this client lay on the couch.  It ended up going from fun to chaos, and Aaron came home with his glasses all bent and impossible to be worn. 

Aaron and I talked about it when he came home, but he didn’t want to dwell on what happened and I knew better than to push him.  These incidents take time for him to process and to share.  However, it was very heavy on my heart.  Barb is so kind, and she and I talked about some ideas to help Aaron.  He hasn’t been participating with group activities at Paradigm like he used to do, and it’s worrisome to all of us.  

Aaron and I sat down at 6:30 for our regular Wheel of Fortune date.  He had put on an old pair of glasses that we had saved for times like this.  He got all comfy in his chair, which takes some doing, but before I saw it coming he had jammed his silverware down on the end table (no marks on the table, thankfully).  This was his way of expressing the fact that he was very unhappy about not having his regular glasses.  These old glasses didn’t fit right, so he said as I just stared at him.  He took them off, but became even angrier because he couldn’t see the TV very well without them.  Why, oh why, can’t he just talk to me about it?  Why must he instantly erupt?  And though I know why, I don’t appreciate the answer sometimes…….and this was definitely one of those times. 

My mind was already saturated with many things, chief among them being my worries for him.  As he continued to escalate, I could feel myself getting ready to boil over.  Gary was outside mowing the lawn.  I had no buffer and no stabilizing influence that he so often gives me.  And I did it………I blew my top.  I knew as I stood up and began yelling that my escalation would only escalate Aaron further.  I didn’t follow my own advice from years of experience with these situations, but instead I gave in to my anger and my worry and my tiredness.  We ended up with chicken strips on the floor, and a shattered bowl that Aaron threw on the floor, and tears from both of us, and more words than either of us needed to say. 

I was exhausted and defeated and riddled with guilt as I cleaned up the mess.  I wished that cleaning up our emotional mess was as easy as cleaning up the shards of one of Aaron’s favorite blue bowls.  Finally I pulled myself together enough to ask Aaron if he wanted to go to Wal-Mart and see if the vision center there could repair his frames.  Aaron kept trying to talk as we drove, but I was numb and fairly unresponsive.  I wonder what the woman there thought of us as she took his glasses and tried to fix them.  She probably dreaded coming back out to tell us that she couldn’t do anything with them.  I tried to smile and be myself, and Aaron’s eyes filled with tears as I said something to her about him having a bad day.  She was kind, and I felt like crying………..and I was very happy to walk out of there before I ended up in a heap on her floor.

“Mom?” Aaron said as we drove away. “Do you think I can get a pizza from Papa Murphy’s?”  So we stopped and got his pizza.  I had to laugh as the clerk stepped out to hand the pizza to Aaron, who was walking toward him but who totally ignored the clerk as he sailed right past him on his way to examine a grill that was in the corner.  The clerk looked confused and then laughed with me, and Aaron was oblivious as always.

After the pizza had cooked and as I sliced it, Aaron was sitting at the table and said, “Mom?  Do you want to be nice to each other tonight?”  Oh, his childishness!  It either drives me crazy or it just melts my heart.  He continued, “Do you want some pizza?  I’ll let you have some pizza.”  And then, “Are you gonna sit by me, Mom?”  I knew this was Aaron’s way of making up, so I sat at the table with him.  There he sat…….say it with me………..with his two knives and his two spoons and his two forks and his toothpicks and his napkins and his drink with his straw.  I listened to him chew loudly and suck in the cheese that was stringing off the pizza with each bite and try to talk with his mouth full.  I wanted to be anywhere else than sitting by him for several reasons, but I knew that beside him was where I needed to be.  This was part of our healing from the wounds we had inflicted upon each other.  Aaron needed me there………and I needed to be there, slurping and all.

“Mom,” he said as cheese dangled down on his chin, “I’ll do your back tonight.  You don’t have to do mine.  I’ll just do yours.”  He was telling me that he would tickle my back with the back scratcher.  Not asking me to tickle his back, which he dearly loves, was a sacrifice for him.  He wanted to give me that gift with nothing expected in return.  Though we didn’t have time to do our backs, I thanked him for such a sweet offer.  And the ice around my heart was thawing.

Before he got up from the table, he opened the comics from the newspaper and he said, “Mom!  Look!  Read Speedy Bump!!”  I laughed as he said “Speedy Bump.”  Then I looked down and read that day’s comic. 

Aaron loved the toilet paper comic.  Anything with toilet paper is funny to Aaron!  And I smiled, too, but for more reasons than Aaron knew.  Toilet paper was pretty appropriate, I thought.  He and I had some mess to clean up between us……some things to talk about and to say to each other.  It might take awhile, as the moment must be right for Aaron.  It might even take a few days to sort it all out………for me to have the strength to deal with what had happened………for Aaron to have the time to sort out his emotions and his uncomfortable feelings.

Today has been a new day with new insights that I will write about later.  Life goes forward, not stopping for our disappointments and pain.  It’s important that we…….that I………continue to wipe up the mess, to forgive, and to be forgiven.  To move forward and to not live in the yesterday, to not live in guilt or in the tendency to point a finger at Aaron. 

Maybe tonight I’ll take out the back scratcher and tickle Aaron’s back for a good long time.

Rushing To Be Ahead

Last week was a wonderful week.  Andrea got to come home as she had a break between summer school that had just ended and the beginning of her fall semester in grad school.  She drove in from Fort Worth on Monday.  Aaron had been excited for days about her arrival.  He wondered what day she would get here, what time she would arrive, how long was she staying, was she bringing her dogs, etc., etc.  He loves his sister……….and even though Aaron is the oldest of our children, he seems to be the youngest because of his childlike ways.

Andrew also was able to come in on Tuesday from Missouri.  He had a break from traveling with Scott Palmer Racing, so the timing was perfect for all of us to have this rare time together.  Aaron has, for many years, been rather jealous of Andrew.  We don’t know if it’s a “boy” thing or just what, but where Aaron sees Andrea more as a mother figure – he sees Andrew more as competition.  He views Andrew as competing with him for our time and attention.  We always tell Aaron that this isn’t true……..that we love them both equally, but that we don’t see Andrew very often and so we do want to spend time with him while he’s here.  Aaron will say, “When Andrew’s here you just want to talk to him and not to me.”  But he doesn’t say the same about our time with Andrea. 

I wondered how the days together would go and how Aaron would treat Andrew.  When we all sat down to eat supper on Tuesday evening, though, it went very well.  Aaron didn’t say anything rude or mean to Andrew.  Of course, Aaron doesn’t ever walk up and say, “Hi, Andrew (or Andrea)!  It’s so good to see you!”  We would probably fall over in a dead faint if he did that.  Instead he just barrels into the room and basically ignores the “new” person as he launches into some topic about a movie or a game or an event or just whatever will keep him talking……..and will help him avoid the uncomfortable reality of actually saying hello.  On Monday, when Aaron returned from his group, he barged in the door as always and there was Andrea.  Aaron never said hello or acted at all excited to see her……..but he was.  He just started talking about some random something, and then would refer to her as if she was always there.  I finally asked him if he was going to say hello and he laughed awkwardly.  Then if you listened very carefully, you would have heard him mutter his hello, very fast and very softly.  There!  That was done!  Andrea laughed, and then gave him a special giraffe ball point pen that she had bought just for him.  I had to urge him to say thanks, again uncomfortably, but he was truly delighted with his new pen………and with the fact that his sister knows how much he loves ball point pens!

Aaron wanted to stay home from his day group while Andrea and Andrew were here.  My first inclination was to insist that he go to his group, but then I mentally stepped back and realized that he desired to be as much a part of the family togetherness as the rest of us.  Yes, he also had the ulterior motive of just wanting to stay home, but I knew that his decision was rooted in the urge to be a part of what we were doing.  It can be more hectic with Aaron around……more frustrating………louder……….less adult-like on certain levels……….but Aaron is a part of our family and so I decided to let him stay home. 

On Wednesday we all went to Tanganyika Wildlife Park, just a couple miles from our house.  I wondered how Aaron would do in the heat of this summer day.  Would he be impatient to go from display to display?  Would he be grouchy in the heat?  Would he demand all of my attention?  However, we were all pleasantly surprised at how well he did.  He truly enjoyed the day despite the heat.  He fed many of the animals, including the rhino.  He pet the kangaroos and he rode the camel.  He wasn’t pushy or intrusive, and he didn’t make us hurry along because he was unhappy.  Can you tell how other trips in the past have been?  This day was truly a delight to us……….and a surprise.  It was a gift in so many ways.

We ended the afternoon with a stroll through the gift shop, where Aaron was very happy that I bought him a shirt.  As we walked out the door and headed toward the van, I noticed that Aaron picked up his pace and was walking ahead of Andrew, Andrea, and me.  I knew exactly what he was doing.  “Look,” I told Andrew and Andrea.  “Aaron is hurrying because he wants to get to the van first and grab the front seat again.”  We all laughed quietly and then Andrew told us to watch.  He walked up beside Aaron and then with his long legs he began to pick up the pace.  Not to be outdone, Aaron kept right up with Andrew.  Then Andrew kicked it up another notch, his long legs easily outpacing Aaron’s short legs.  But Aaron was not to be outdone, so with his arms pumping he kept up with Andrew’s stride.  And as they walked side by side, Aaron was saying, “Um.  Um.  Um.”  This was his way of trying to look like he was keeping up with Andrew because he wanted to talk…………but we all knew better.  Aaron wanted that front seat for sure!!

Instead of the frustration that would have been present 10 or 15 years ago, though, there were smiles and knowing glances between the three of us as we watched Aaron win the race……….thanks to Andrew’s kindness.  It really was very funny.  There was Aaron, stuck in his childhood………..determined to ride shotgun like he did years ago.  Striving for the best seat…….wanting to be ahead.  And there were my other two adult children, not making fun of Aaron but enjoying the moment and enjoying this unique person that is their brother.  Able to laugh at his funny ways and appreciate who he is. 

Andrew, Aaron, and Andrea
Aaron doesn’t realize how much things have changed over the years.  When we’re all together, he’s still in childhood mode with the competition for his place and for our attention.  If he only knew, or cared, about what I see.  I see our other two children, now adults, who have grown in their love and understanding of their brother.  Oh, they still roll their eyes and sigh deep sighs and grit their teeth and say, “Aaron!!” plenty of times.  But in their hearts, they realize more than ever who Aaron is.  It’s as if the dust has settled and they can step back and see life more clearly……..Aaron’s life.  Time and maturity sure do make a huge difference.   There were times that I wondered if I would ever see this level of love and understanding from them.  Living with a special needs child can be very taxing for the siblings, especially when disruptive behaviors are a large part of the picture.  Sometimes it takes years for all of it to make sense and for acceptance to occur. 

Aaron doesn’t need to try to stay ahead, but he doesn’t know that.  So he’ll still grab the front seat and feel like he’s gained a victory over his brother and sister.  And we’ll still smile and wink at each other, and tell the story behind his back of how he rushed ahead to be the first. 

And we’ll still love Aaron, even when he’s pushing to be ahead and not thinking of anyone but himself.  I’ve said it a lot, but some things will never change.

  

What Did You Say, Aaron?

I keep lists of many of Aaron’s sayings, but don’t often get to put them in a blog.  Today I thought I would do another one of my Aaron sample platters……….a little of this and a little of that, which adds up to a lot of talking!

While riding home from a trip to Lowe’s with Gary:  “Mom!  There was a deer crossing the road – and he made a noise!  Did he belong to someone?!”   No, Aaron, he did not belong to anyone.  “You mean he was a stray?!”

Upon hearing Aaron make a suspicious sound:  I was in another room when I heard the noise and I asked, “Aaron?  Did you hit something?”   He answered, “No..it did not break!”  So did you hit it or not?!

Seeing a crack in our yard during last summer’s drought:  “Mom, that crack looks like an earthquake size!!”

After seeing a couple in a movie:  “He wanted a kiss of her.”

Politics:  “Do you like that president man?”

Knowing we don’t take Jackson for walks in extreme heat:  “Can we take Jackson for a walk?  I thought it had cooled up.”

Sonic drive-in:  “You could work there, Mom.  It has a kitchen.”   Hmmmm…….

TB test:  “They gave me a skin sample.”

Football:  “The coach that taught West Virginia to play football didn’t teach them very well!” 
 
When a massage therapist was at his day group:  “That lady asked me if I had any trouble with my back, so I made an excuse for my back so that she would work on it.”   Well, Aaron!

Another movie:  “That movie had those good guy girls and those bad guy girls!”

Describing the furnace in the winter:  “That air conditioner blowing in my room was warm.”

Men in the Ozarks:  “Those hillberry men in the Ozarks were hunting Bugs Bunny.  Those hillberry men like square dancing and they obey it!”

The seasons:  “Did you say that March has spring?”

The Great Wall of China:  “The Great Wall of China was backing people on the other side.  People on the other side were keeping people from the other side from being on the other side.  They’re trying to back people out.”   Huh?

Seeing a farmer plowing:  “What’s he doing?  Why is he putting lines in his yard?”

Autobot and Decepticon:  “Look at this picture of the Autobot.  It’s happy.  Now look at this picture of the Decepticon.  It’s non-happy!”

More about sports:  “Is this football game almost over?  It says final four!”  Uh, I think that would be basketball, Aaron. 

Oh, OK.  Basketball:  “I was wondering.  Do you think that basketball is slippery?  It’s making a squeaky noise.”   And that would be the shoes, Aaron.

Drinking grape juice with ginger ale:  “Mom, that drink is spicy!”

More ginger ale observations:  “When you drink that stuff it makes your body kind of shiver.”

Skunks:  “Have you heard that story that when you get hit by a skunk you have to be in tomato juice?”

Scientifically speaking:  “I’ve noticed that pee doesn’t become clear until you fill your system with water.”

And to END it:  “Mom, I have a plan.  I decided to save my underwear and not change them every day.  Isn’t it a waste to change every day?  What would you call it?”  Well, Aaron, waste is the operative word here.  Let’s have a little talk……..

And I do hope that reading this hasn’t been a waste of your time.  Perhaps it’s made you smile, like we often do when Aaron is saying WHAT?!

Aaron Not Talking?

Night before last was a rough night for Aaron.  He had several seizures………… and while this is nothing out of the ordinary for him, these seizures were stronger, it seemed.  It wasn’t long after I had lain back down that I heard through the monitor in our room the sound of him rustling  around.  As I got out of bed I heard a loud thump and knew that he had fallen.  I found him sitting on the floor at his open bedroom door.  He was so out of it that he was hardly aware of what was going on.  I finally figured out that he wanted to go to the bathroom, and I also realized that he needed to change his pants after this last seizure.

As I helped him to the bathroom, I saw that Aaron couldn’t talk.  Sometimes these hard seizures have that effect.  He was trying so hard to communicate with me but the words wouldn’t come.  It was as if his mouth wouldn’t even open.  He tried and tried to say a word, and finally a word would come out after great effort.  I was able to put two and two together as he let me know that he needed to go to the bathroom, and then later let me know that he was in some pain and felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

I didn’t let him know how much that scared me……….the pain and the breathing issue.  I got him settled back into bed, pulling his pile of covers up around him just the way that he likes.  I sat there with him for awhile, watching his breathing and finally watching him fall asleep.  And I thought about how he reacted during the time in the bathroom and then as we sat on his bed, and he couldn’t form words.  He didn’t get frustrated, but instead he would just look at me as if he was asking for my help………and he would smile.  Over and over he would give me that look, and then smile.  It wasn’t a “Ha-Ha, I think this is funny” smile……….but instead it was like a trusting smile…….a sweet “It’s up to you now, Mom” smile.  It was up to me to finish what he was trying to say; to understand what he needed; to give him comfort and help when he needed it.

Aaron can be so rough and gruff much of the time.  He thinks that it’s funny to poke and pinch and give us whacks on our back or rear end.  He’s loud and sometimes says things that irritate everybody, and when corrected he says that he thought it was funny.  So when Aaron is vulnerable and needy, it touches a place in my heart that makes me realize just how fragile he really is.  His health because of these seizures is at the forefront at that moment, but also his frustrations and fears are revealed in his eyes.  And in that smile.

His last seizure was around 7:30 in the morning, and soon afterwards he roused up enough to want to come downstairs.  He made it down the stairs, which scared me again since he was so wobbly, but nothing would deter him from what he wanted.   And again, he couldn’t talk but kept giving me that look and that smile.  It was a tough morning as he tried to get comfortable.  He had a bad headache and he threw up.  I finally rubbed his back and tickled his arm, and he was able to tell me that it felt good.  He relaxed and dozed off and on, and finally woke up able to talk pretty well.  “Do you want me to eat something?” he asked.  I knew he was telling me that he was hungry, so when I asked what he wanted he immediately asked for tomato soup.  “Tomato soup?” I asked.  “Are you sure?”  But Aaron was very sure, so I fixed him the soup and then went to help him up.  As I pulled on his arm, he said, “You’re stretching me.”  He laughed and I could tell that he was feeling better.  He ate his soup, and then took his pills.  “Are you poisoning me?” he said…….and laughed again at his funny joke.

He lay back down and fell fast asleep.  Later I heard him stirring and then heard, “Mom?”  I asked him what he wanted and he said, “Well.  Did the fog go away?”  We talked about the fog, and it wasn’t long before he offered this observation:  “Mom, since you wanted me to lay here every now and then, do you know what I was doing?  I was gassing!”

This is when I knew that Aaron was back.  Yes, back full force and in all his honesty.  Later in the afternoon he went with me for a quick trip to Wal-Mart, and then to get tacos for him to take home and eat……….with his three forks and his knife that he didn’t use and the napkins and his toothpicks………you know the routine now.

Of course, he talked…….and talked some more.  He talked about fish and about lobsters and about snoring and about losing weight and about someone he knows that has not lost weight and who still snores.  He talked about lots of other things, too, as always.  I was so sleepy that between the driving and his talking I’m surprised I was able to find my way home.  But find my way I did.

I’m glad that Aaron found his way back from the effects of the seizures, and even glad that he was talking again.  I keep thinking about that helpless smile he kept giving me and the look in his eyes when he couldn’t talk.  Sometimes I say, either out loud or to myself, “Oh, Aaron.  Just don’t talk for a few minutes!”  But when he really couldn’t talk, I so wanted to hear him speak.  Again, be careful what I wish for, right?

Even his talk of gassing was good to hear……….sort of.  Oh, Aaron!

Putting Burdens in Perspective

I decided on this rainy, gray afternoon that I would snuggle under my soft blanket on the couch for awhile.  Maybe I would even take a nap, although my body doesn’t usually cooperate with naps for some reason.  Today I wasn’t feeling great and so to just lay down and rest sounded wonderful.  However, within 60 seconds of laying down I heard the unmistakable sound of Aaron’s desk chair scooting back.  Soon he came thumping down the stairs and blustered into the family room where I had just closed my eyes.  So I opened my eyes and there he stood, looking at me as he held his black fuzzy pillow and his soft blanket and his back scratcher.

It would be highly unusual for Aaron to realize that he was bothering me………or to care that he was bothering me.  And today turned out to be a usual day, because Aaron proceeded to position his items on his favorite chair as he told me that he was tired of his computer and so he wanted to watch some television.
 
Sigh.

I pushed back my soft blanket and gathered all my items as I told Aaron that I would just go upstairs to lay down in my room.  He thought that was a great plan as he was already settling into his chair and picking up the remote.

Sigh.

I was settled on my bed under my soft blanket and had even dozed for a few minutes.  I was relaxed and just resting when I heard it………..the again unmistakable banging of Aaron’s feet on the stairs.  He was coming upstairs.  Soon I heard him turn toward my room and then he barreled through the closed door.  I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!  He didn’t knock and he wasn’t quiet.  Nope.  He just zipped right in and said, “Mom?  Can you take me to get some supper from a restaurant?”

“Aaron?” I asked.  “Do you not see that I’m trying to nap?”

“But can you take me to get some supper later?” he repeated.

Sigh.

“And if you can take me, can we go to Burger King?” he continued. 

“I don’t know, Aaron,” I answered.  “Burger King is kinda far away, you know.”

“Well,” he said as he started out the door, “let me know if you can take me to Burger King.  If you can’t, it’s OK.”  And out the door he scurried.

Sigh.

I was totally awake now, and a little aggravated at how Aaron totally doesn’t get it……….doesn’t get the fact that I was trying to nap and that he just barged in talking.  He could have at least whispered, for crying out loud………though Aaron whispering is very rare indeed. 

Somehow as I lay there, though, I started thinking of what it’s like to be Aaron.  Sometimes I think of how self-centered he is……..like he was twice already in a span of 30 minutes as he disrupted my attempted nap.  But in the quietness of my room after he blustered out the door, I thought of what it must be like to always be dependent on others to take him everywhere.  Aaron can’t jump in his own car with his keys ready and drive himself to Burger King.  Instead, he must ask someone else to take him out for a favorite food………and hope that Mom or Dad won’t mind driving a little farther to take him to get what he’s wanting.  If they do mind, then he’ll say OK like he just did, and he’ll be happy to go closer…….to Sonic, or Taco Bell, or McDonald’s. 

What do I do if I want a particular food or if I want to go to a certain store?  I just jump in the van and off I go.  Aaron doesn’t have that luxury.  He must ask for a ride, and then he must hope that Mom or Dad won’t mind taking him to the place he really wants to go instead of to the place that’s just more convenient.  What would it be like to never have the freedom to come and to go anytime and anywhere you wanted?  I felt like crying as I lay on my bed under my soft, warm blanket.  Aaron’s dependence on us is a facet of his care that can easily be seen as a burden to us.  But at this moment I was aware of his dependence on us being a heavy burden for Aaron to bear.  I wondered if it’s ever hard for him to ask us to take him places?  “If you can’t, it’s OK,” he had said.  He would make it OK, but deep down he really wanted Burger King. 

And Burger King it would be, I decided!  Just then, I heard it.  Thump, thump, thump!  Up the stairs came Aaron………and into my room he barged once again.

Sigh.

“Mom?” he breathlessly asked.  “Have you decided?”

I patted the empty side of the bed and told him to sit down.  He was not wanting to sit down, really.  He was wanting an answer about Burger King, but he knew that somehow his sitting beside Mom on the bed just might hold the key to a possible Burger King supper…….so he sat.  I patted his leg and I told him that first of all, he should remember that Mom was trying to nap.  He should remember to not rush in the room when Mom is napping.  He should remember not to talk to Mom when she is napping.  This little talk did not have one mention of Burger King, and so Aaron began to fidget. 

“OK,” he said as he agreed to my napping instructions.  “So can we go to Burger King?”

Sigh.

“Yes, Aaron,” I answered.  “I’ll take you to Burger King.”

Happy Aaron jumped off the bed, and soon we were in the van driving on the way to his chicken nuggets and French fries at Burger King.  Aaron in his pajama shorts and sleeveless shirt and old man sweater, with his slipper socks and slippers on his feet…….and me hoping that we did not have to get out of the van for any reason. 

Sigh.

And Aaron talked non-stop about clones again.  Oh my goodness, will he ever exhaust the clone subject?  All the way there and all the time in the drive-through line and all the way home……..clones, clones, clones. 

Sigh.

We got home with the goods………… and Aaron settled in his chair with his pillow behind his back and his blanket on his lap just right and his toothpicks beside him on the end table and a knife and fork and spoon that he didn’t use but had to have and his bowls, of course.  A bowl for his chicken nuggets……….a bowl for his fries……..AND a bowl for the barbecue sauce. 

Sigh.

There were two bowls on the table already full of his Pringles……..a dirty bowl in the sink…….two bowls in the dishwasher………his three bowls on his lap……..and one solitary clean bowl left in the cabinet.

Sigh.


I looked around and realized that it really doesn’t take much to make Aaron happy.   Sometimes, too, it doesn’t take much to get on my nerves.  I need to take these little things that can become big things, and put them in perspective.  Life is too short to get uptight about a drive to Burger King or interrupted naps or the multiple dirty bowls or clones.

Well, the clones are beginning to be too much now, seriously.

Sigh.