Category: Trust

Can’t You Be Nice?


Aaron stayed home yesterday because he had three seizures during the night.  I let him sleep in so that he could recover.  He got out of bed, drank some coffee, and took his meds along with some pain reliever for his headache.  I needed to make a trip to Sam’s but I wouldn’t leave him at home by himself, so I asked him if he felt like going with me.  He jumped at that opportunity, seeing visions of a cart full of items that he wanted…..not paper towels and toilet paper and boring meat, for sure!  And the offer of eating lunch there was too good to pass up, so off we went, listening to music and listening to Aaron talk about everything he saw…..of course!
We had settled at our table at Sam’s with our pizza slices and glasses of water, when I decided to take a picture of Aaron.  He agreed to the picture only if I let him pose as a Star Wars clone.  He told me to send the picture out with the explicit description that he was making the face of a Star Wars Republic Commando clone…..the PC game, not the movie.  OK, got it, Aaron!  
He then asked me if I was going to use the shopping cart that was big and flat…..because then he could ride on it like Barb and Brandy let him do when they take him to Sam’s.  I told him no, I was not using that flat cart, and he was disappointed.  He continued to ask me about this as we talked during lunch, pointing out how others were using the big flat cart.  But they weren’t pulling a big Aaron on their flat carts…..which didn’t matter to Aaron at all.  He didn’t think it would be at all unusual for him to be pulled on the big flat cart…..like Barb and Brandy do.  
We finished our lunch and then walked toward the carts.  Aaron decided to try one more time to change Mom’s mind, asking me again if I would get the big flat cart for him to ride on.  Again I said no.  “Mom?” he asked.  “Can’t you be nice?”
So I reminded him that I had been nice to let him come with me.  I had been nice to get him pizza for lunch.  I was being very nice, I told him.
And he quickly responded, “Well, can’t you be nice a SECOND way?”
I laughed as I walked and Aaron lumbered beside me on our way to claim our cart…..our normal cart.  And in that normal cart we placed some items that made Aaron very happy…..and walking made him feel better.  He really didn’t need the big flat cart at all. 
 This morning, as I prayed, I thought about the comment that Aaron made.  Sometimes I question God’s direction in my life…..what He allows and what He takes away.  In my own way, I am Aaron.  I don’t always recognize how “nice” God is to me because my eyes and my thoughts are instead on the things that He is not giving me.  I want Him to, in a sense, pull me along on that big flat cart…..doing everything my way.  
God, can’t You be nice to me a SECOND way?  I know You have done this for me and that for me, but I also want this other thing.  I think I NEED this other thing.  But God in His wisdom says no….and if I but look, I’ll see that His plan for me, a normal cart, can also be filled with many wonderful items and blessings that I might have missed had He given me that other cart……that SECOND way that I so wanted.  
Help me, Lord, to stop asking You to be nice to me a SECOND way, and to be thankful and trusting for the way that You have chosen for me each day. 

My Wormy Cucumber…..and Aaron


Last night was a seizure night for Aaron.  We are so thankful that he doesn’t have constant daily seizures like our friend’s son, Elijah, has.  I told Wendy this morning that I don’t know how she does it apart from God’s grace.  I know that each of us who know the Lord depend on His grace for the many circumstances that we face in this life.  Having a suffering child is tough.  When Aaron has seizures is when I feel most vulnerable emotionally.  His autism is high functioning, though in its own way debilitating, but he at least can function.  His autism makes him at times very frustrating and it causes him to be in trouble more than we like, both here at home and at his day group.  Or then he can also be very endearing and funny, even hilarious.
But his seizures……they make me sad.  They show me the seriousness of Epilepsy…..the danger.  I may be vulnerable emotionally on these days, but he is vulnerable physically.  And as his mother, that scares me….and makes my heart hurt. 
However, I know from experience over the years that I cannot dwell on the scary or on the negative, even when it comes to my son…..my first born.  Being aware is one thing.  Being defeated with constant worry is quite another.  And constant regret……that’s one thing that I very consciously pull my mind away from when it starts down that path.  I would love for Aaron to have a normal life, a job, a wife and children…but he doesn’t and he probably never will.  Living with regret over those issues only pulls me down and doesn’t do anything to help Aaron.  Plus it’s not honoring to God, Who wants me to trust Him in all things.  That means ALL.  Even Aaron, my son, and my hurt over his pain and difficulties. 
 
Aaron slowly made it downstairs this morning after his three seizures.  He tried to stay up and awake but as is typical for him, he laid back down on the couch and fell promptly asleep.  I covered him with his favorite blanket……the animal print blanket…..and he slept deeply until he had another large seizure.  Now he is awake off and on, talking about wanting his coffee that he missed this morning……will it still be hot…….when can he have it……worried that he won’t get to drink it……typical Aaron.
 
Earlier, while he slept and with me being unable to leave this area of the house for fear of another seizure, I stood at the kitchen sink.  I was washing the produce that I had gathered in the garden yesterday evening before dark.  Some tomatoes…..okra…..a red pepper……one pear that I was able to reach from our pear tree……and a few stray cucumbers.  On one of the cucumbers I saw the unmistakable signs of worms.  The brown, crusty spots on the outside of the cucumber were my clue, so I grabbed a paring knife and cut into the peel.  Yep, there it was…..a yucky worm……and then another nearby.  It was tempting to just throw the whole cucumber away, but I’m pretty thrifty about my garden produce that we’ve worked hard to raise.  There was still plenty of good left in that cucumber, so I washed the remainder and put it with the other healthy produce.  Aaron loves cucumbers, so he can eat it later.
 
This might sound strange, but Aaron’s a lot like that wormy cucumber.  He has his issues…..his “worms”……..that disrupt his life.  The autism….the Epilepsy……they have completely changed his life from what we thought it would be.  When placed beside his sister and brother, we can see a stark contrast.  Andrea, a scientist and geneticist in a major lab……and Andrew, working on a professional NHRA pit crew.  Their lives are dreams come true for both of them.  We love hearing about their work, even when we don’t understand half of it.  It’s exciting and fulfilling for them.
Aaron is like that cucumber, yes.  He has some chunks removed……some expectations that we had for him that had to be removed.  But he has amazing value if we but stop and look.  God does NOT create mistakes.  Aaron has tremendous worth.  He draws us to God in ways we probably never would have been drawn otherwise.  He keeps us humble.  Oh, does he ever!!  He keeps us at times bowed down with worry or frustration or embarrassment.  But listen to the verse God gave me this morning:
“But You, O Lord, are a shield about me; my glory, and the lifter of my head.”  (Psalm 3:3)
I love how God gives me what I need, when I need it, from His Word.  He lifts my head to look not only up to Him, but to look at Aaron with new eyes……eyes of faith and trust in the God Who loves Aaron and loves us.  God has a plan for Aaron that is every bit as important and amazing as the plan He has for Andrea and Andrew.  We just don’t always measure Aaron’s value that way, but God does.  And He reminds me on these days that I need to as well.
Aaron……my wormy cucumber……just in this little area of my house, God has once again spoken to my heart.  
Friend who is suffering today, never doubt God’s plan and His love for you.  Let Him be the lifter of your tired head.  He does care…..He does have a plan……for all of us.
Including my wormy Aaron.  My perfect Aaron, with lots of good in him that God is using. 

Lessons From the Lone Tiger Lily


In our back flower beds we have two patches of Tiger Lilies.  They were there when we bought this house 15 years ago.  Every spring they faithfully poke their shoots out of the ground and quickly grow.  Sometime in early to middle July they burst into bloom, with their bright orange color taking center stage for several weeks.
 
This year was no exception, but somehow I thought they didn’t appear to be as strong and as vibrant as in other years.  They bloomed later this year, too.  They just didn’t seem to be the same old Tiger Lilies that we had enjoyed in previous years.
A couple weeks ago we had a thunderstorm during the night.  Between having the windows closed, the air conditioner running, and the dulling effect of sleep, it was hard to tell just how strong the wind blew or how hard the rain fell.  I got up that morning, and as soon as daylight hit I opened the kitchen blinds.  Instantly I saw it……the patch of Tiger Lilies, stripped bare of their pretty petals and standing there with nothing but their fading leaves.  The storm had blown off all the petals.  They looked stark and ugly in the morning light.
Every single Tiger Lily stalk was stripped bare of its beauty……except for one.  There in the midst of all the sad stalks was one lone Tiger Lily that still carried its orange petals.  It was actually only one part of a stalk, but there it was, alone with its blooms…….standing tall in the midst of all the damage surrounding it.
 
That lonely Tiger Lily stood there for days, even through several other storms, with its petals intact.  And every time I looked at it I thought of a verse and I pondered the lessons that this little Tiger Lily was teaching me.  The verse:  “Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.”  And the lessons are many.
I’ve never seen a time when so many are so burdened.  I see it in the world……ISIS, Syria, Gaza and Israel, Ferguson…..I don’t need to keep that list going.  Even the death of Robin Williams hit many people deeply.  It’s exhausting to watch the news.
And then closer to home, in our own families and lives, so many are facing issues of deep concern.  Death, illness, financial hardship, marital stress, worries about children, pressures of all sorts, hurts and disappointments……
I don’t mean to sound depressing, but this is just how life is right now for so many.  And even for those of us who walk by faith, who trust in the Lord, who try to lean on Him for our needs…..we can find ourselves overwhelmed and ready to just give up.  We feel as battered as my bare Tiger Lilies……like our beautiful petals are just about to turn loose and leave us stark and alone.  Why read our Bibles?  The words seem empty.  Why pray?  I don’t feel like God is listening and my mind wanders.  Why obey?  Where has it gotten me?
These are lies of Satan.  These are his ways of stripping us of our beauty that Christ has given us, just like my ugly Tiger Lilies that I saw that morning.  I find it very interesting that Paul, when he was encouraging the Philippians to keep maturing in their faith, told them to press forward……to forget what’s behind and to reach toward what lies ahead.

Listen to this contrast in Isaiah 1, where Isaiah was describing sinful Israel.  He said that they had abandoned the Lord and turned away from Him.  Guess what that phrase “turned away” means?  It means to estrange themselves backward.  Going backward…….pulling away from the Lord and going backward instead of forward.

 

There’s my single Tiger Lily again……standing up and standing strong no matter what was going on around it.  Even when all the other Tiger Lilies let go and gave up, this one stood strong…….like he was pressing forward instead of going backward.  And that’s what we need to do.  Don’t give up when things get tough!  Stay true to God…….keep reading His word…….keep praying…….keep obeying…..keep walking in His ways…….keep trusting.  We may not feel like it.  We may be tired and discouraged.  We may even doubt God.  But don’t go backward…..keep going forward.
It reminds me of a verse from the old hymn, The Solid Rock:
          His oath, His covenant, His blood
          Support me in the whelming flood;
          When all around my soul gives way,
          He then is all my hope and stay.
Stand tall.  Stand strong.  Look forward.  And keep your petals on!
         

Caterpillars and Butterflies


This morning I read another small section of Elisabeth Elliott’s book Keep a Quiet Heart.  In the chapter entitled There Are No Accidents, Elisabeth talks about interviewing Judy Squier.  Judy was born with no legs, so Elisabeth asked Judy to write a letter to the parents of a little boy born without arms or legs.  I quote from part of the letter that Judy wrote to these parents:
“’What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly.’  As humanity we see only the imperfect, underside of God’s tapestry of our lives.  What we judge to be ‘tragic – the most dreaded thing that could happen,’ I expect we’ll one day see as the awesome reason for the beauty and uniqueness of our life and our family.”
She goes on…….the whole section is excellent and struck a deep chord in my heart.  But my mind has been on that caterpillar and butterfly all day.  You see, last November I wrote a blog about how Aaron found a butterfly and how he wanted me to hold it.  It was a special moment for me that taught me such a sweet lesson.  Today I’m thinking of other aspects of that butterfly……who was first a caterpillar.
 
I’m thinking of the day that we first heard Aaron’s diagnosis of Epilepsy.  I remember how shattered I felt as I sat at my desk that night in Germany.  Our little blond headed blue eyed son had what?  Epilepsy?  What does it mean?  What WOULD it mean?  And I cried, deep sobs of pain and acceptance.  Nine years later……another doctor, another place, yet another diagnosis.  Autism?  Asperger’s Syndrome?  What does it mean?  What WOULD it mean?  And again, when the children were asleep, I cried deep sobs of more pain and more acceptance.
Pain and acceptance have been our familiar companions all along this journey with Aaron.  I know that many other parents feels this pain, some more acutely and more severely than we ever will.  The pain of medical tests….the pain of medicines for this and more medicines for that….the pain of hospitals…….the pain of IEP’s in school…..the pain of moving and having to introduce our child all over again in our new world…..the pain of his questions…..the pain of peer rejection……the pain of trying to understand what makes him tick and what just ticks him off, and why……the pain of my guilt when I blow it and I erupt along with Aaron…..the pain of questioning God……
Pain comes naturally.  Acceptance is a decision that I make.  Acceptance is usually slower.  It certainly has been for me.  Maybe he’ll get all better with time.  Maybe the seizures will go away after puberty.  Maybe this new drug will do the trick.  Maybe he can have surgery.  Maybe the VNS will kick in.  Maybe it’s not really as serious as all that.  Maybe the autism will improve with this diet.  Maybe those guys will be Aaron’s friend.  Maybe Aaron won’t move so much and talk so much during church today.  Maybe he won’t be grouchy when his bus comes to pick him up today.  Maybe he’ll just love his day group.  Maybe he can hold a job one day and be like everyone else.  Most of the maybes don’t happen…….and acceptance slowly sinks in.  Reality of life with Aaron has been slow going……very slow going.
But it’s not the end of the world.  It may the end of the world as we know it as far as our hopes for Aaron in certain areas……….but just like that caterpillar, there is beauty in this life that God has given us.  “What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly.”  I held a butterfly that day last fall as I stood outside with Aaron, and I hold a butterfly in my life as I look at Aaron.  That’s because God is sovereign, and He has a plan for Aaron and a plan for our life with Aaron.  It’s a plan of beauty, even when I can’t see it as such.  
 
I have to hold on to that truth on the bad days, the sad days, the worried days, the heart-rending days of this life.  Oh, we have laughter and delight with Aaron but underneath it all are the concerns and the frustrations and the weight of always thinking about our special son.  And I deeply feel the weight of so many other moms……friends that I love and friends that I hurt for as well as they fight this fight and live this life for their special children.  
I want to tell them that God is weaving a beautiful tapestry of their lives.  They don’t feel it or see it any more than I do on many days, but God truly is a God of purpose and beauty.  So we lift each other up, we cry together, we pray for each other, we try to encourage one another……and we trust our sovereign Heavenly Father even when He doesn’t seem to answer our prayers in the way we want.
Acceptance…..of Who God is…..and how much He loves me and He loves Gary, and Andrea and Andrew…..and especially our special Aaron.  I want to hug my other moms of special children…..Wendy, Goldie, Shikara, Cheryl, Trish, Louise, and so many others.  I want to say that I may not have great words of wisdom, but I do have the truth….as do you…..that God is in charge of making caterpillars into butterflies.  
And He can…..He will………bring beauty into and out of our lives with our special children. 

Too Loud For Quietness


My thoughts lately often turn to the subject of quietness.  I’m not talking about the external quietness that we so often desire.  I get more of that sort of quietness than many people do, especially you moms with young children or those of you that work outside the home.  No, I’m talking about the inner quietness of my heart…….the quietness of contentment and peace, no matter what distractions I have around me. 
This type of quietness is hard to achieve outside of having a deep faith and trust in God.  Yet even though I may give myself daily to the Lord, beginning each morning with a new resolve to stay totally in tune with God and trust Him completely, I often find my heart……my insides……..my thoughts……..churning and stewing over this and that until I drown out the still, small voice of God that calls me to quietness.  
Life happens.  The world keeps turning and the news doesn’t get any easier to hear on most days.  Friends are hurting, neighbors need us, obligations demand us, chores press in on us……….life.  Even the dog needs to be fed!
And for me, there’s Aaron.  Last Monday he was in a terrible mood, but with God’s help I was able to be calm and to defuse him.  A stop for cheddar pasta salad worked miracles, believe me!  I was full of thankfulness, and was thinking over and over about how much God speaks to me through these lessons with my son…………lessons about God’s great love to me when I am most unlovely.  Boy, was that ever driven home the next day when I exhibited my unloveliness!  I totally lost my temper with Aaron, and then was full of guilt and remorse.  That day, I was the one who needed extra love.  And my heart was anything but quiet.
We never know what a day will hold.  There was Wednesday, after the upheaval of Monday and Tuesday, when Aaron had a doctor appointment.  We went to lunch at Chili’s after his doctor visit and just had a delightful time together.  Who would have thought that two hours after this picture was taken, Aaron would be laying in his bed having a huge seizure during his nap?  As usual, there was no warning……..nothing to prepare me or him for that.  And there again was another disruption to my quiet heart.  
 
On Saturday, we had a funnier disruption.  I was sitting on the patio, taking a break after doing some yard work.  Aaron joined me as Gary continued weed eating nearby.  As usual, Aaron was talking up a storm……and the more he talked, the more he rocked in the patio chair.  I looked down for a second and suddenly heard a grunt.   Looking up, I saw that Aaron’s chair had fallen backwards and he was laying in the grass…….laughing, thankfully.  One minute he was rocking and talking……the next he was flat on his back, feet up in the air, and thankfully unhurt.   Funny, but unexpected.
 
I remember when our children were young that there were many times I thought, “Oh, if only I had a day to myself.”  Now the kids are grown and gone, except for Aaron……but he’s gone to his day group every weekday……..during a good week.  Anyway, now I find myself thinking, “Oh, if only I had a day with Andrew and Andrea.  Too bad they live so far away.”   Then there are those evenings now when I think, “Oh, if only Aaron wouldn’t keep talking to me or asking me to do something with him.  If only I had an evening with no expectations or interruptions.”  And many times when I think, “Oh, if only Aaron wasn’t so grouchy……or so loud……or so demanding……..or so whatever.”  In other words, I tend to be pretty demanding myself of what I think will make my life just as it should be.  And out the window goes any hope of a quiet heart as I try to manufacture the perfect life that will create the quiet heart I crave.
I just started reading the book Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliott.  She said, talking about developing a quiet heart in this loud world, that “The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.”  Wow!
So often I want the different set of circumstances……when in reality, the circumstances I am in are the ones that God wants to use in order to develop in me a quiet heart……..a heart of trust despite what’s going on around me.  A heart of acceptance for what He has allowed and even ordained to be in my life.  
Elisabeth also said, “Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good.  My assignment entails my willing acceptance of my portion.”  It’s how I respond to my circumstances that will dictate my level of quietness and peace………not the circumstances themselves.  Like Paul said, “I have learned in whatever state I am in, therewith to be content.”
I’ve walked with the Lord for a long time, and still I have so much to learn.  I sure am glad that God is patient, even when I’m not.  I still want to tell Him that He’s using the wrong measure for me.  “Lighten up, Lord!” I sometimes say.  Instead I should be accepting and even thankful for what He measures out in my life.  That’s when I know I will experience a truly quiet heart.  
For quietness really is surrender, even while life spirals around us.  It’s Who we surrender TO that makes the difference……not what we’re kept FROM. 
Be quiet…..and know that I am God.

My Chains


I had a huge reality check this morning as I read a chapter of the book The Message of Philippians by J.A. Motyer.  The apostle Paul was imprisoned when he wrote the book of Philippians.  He was suffering unjustly and painfully, simply for believing in Jesus and proclaiming the gospel.  He had suffered so much over the years in every area……physically, mentally, spiritually.  So here Paul sat in prison and what does he say?
“…so that it has become known throughout the whole praetorian guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ; and most of the brethren have been made confident in the Lord because of my imprisonment, and are much more bold to speak the word of God without fear.”  (Philippians 1:13-14)
Motyer gave the visual then of Paul holding up his chained wrist, but instead of pointing at his chafed wrist he makes us look at what effect those chains are having in his own life and especially on the work of Christ in others.  The guards are hearing the gospel…….others are hearing the gospel……..the brethren are gaining confidence……….believers are becoming bold.  
And I thought about myself, and the puny little trials that I have gone through.  What do I often do when I hold my chained wrist up?  I know me, and I’ll tell you what I find it so easy to say and do.  I point to my bleeding wrist and I talk about my pain.  I wonder about why this or that happened, even when I know God is in charge.  I concentrate on the pain that my chains are inflicting on me.  I focus on the injustice and the ones who are responsible.  In other words, I so often do everything but what God wants me to do.
God wants me to look through the links of that chain into His eyes, and to trust Him totally.  He wants me to see Him instead of the chain.  And more importantly, He wants me to point others to what I see as I look at Him.  I see His love and I trust His character, and He wants me to talk about that instead of pointing to the chains.  
It’s not about me, as much as I want it to be.  It’s not about proclaiming my pain or the wrongs I may have suffered or the hurt I am enduring.  It’s so easy to do that, though…..to focus on me and on the suffering.  There is actually a strange kind of comfort in that attitude, but it’s so wrong.  
Speaking of Paul, Motyer said, “He did not see his suffering as an act of divine forgetfulness (‘Why did God let this happen to me?’), nor as a dismissal from service (‘I was looking forward to years of usefulness, and look at me!’), nor as the work of Satan (‘I am afraid the devil has had his way this time’), but as the place of duty, the setting for service, the task appointed.”
Even when God directly answers prayer I sometimes cringe, pull back in pain, and then act surprised by the route God has chosen for me.  Whatever the issue is in my life, I need to realize that God wants to be honored in it……..not questioned.  It takes time and practice and great trust to accomplish that attitude, which unfortunately sometimes means more time in the trial.  More time with those chains around my wrist.
So I hold up my wrist to others, and what do they see?  They see what I focus on……what I talk about……..what I point toward.  Will I be Paul and magnify Christ with my chains? 
“How that word ‘now’ needs to eat its way into our minds and hearts and wills!  It is now that we must show how great Christ is.  Never again will we have the chance to live for Him through this moment, to please Him in this circumstance, to gladden Him by trusting in this ordeal.”
It’s not easy.  It takes resolve to change my focus.  Every single day, many times a day, I know I must refocus my eyes.  My hurting wrist……the rusty chains…..the ongoing pain.  Whether it’s Aaron issues or hurt from others or sadness from those I love who are suffering or worry about our loved ones………it doesn’t matter.  God is there.  He has a plan and a purpose.  
Now…today…this moment – holding up my hands to God and not even noticing the chains.  That’s my desire. 

God’s Gift…..Baffled But Blessed

 I was reading 2 Kings 4 yesterday – the story of the Shunamite woman.  It’s a story you may know, but what I read in my commentary/devotional book by Dale Ralph Davis gave me a new insight that totally blessed me……..so I hope it will do the same for you as well.  You probably know the story.

Elisha often passed through Shunem on his travels through Galilee.  A Shunamite woman of wealth and standing began opening her home to Elisha, extending her hospitality by offering him food and rest.  This woman urged her husband to add a room on to their house, a guest room of sorts where Elisha could spend the night.  During one of those stays, Elisha decided that he wanted to reward the woman for her kindness.  He asked her if he could put in a good word for her to the king or to the captain of the army.

The Shunamite woman said no to Elisha, explaining that she had all that she needed or desired right there in her own community.  But Elisha still wanted to do something to thank this woman, and so Gehazi, Elisha’s servant, reminded him that the Shunamite had no son……….and her husband was very old.  Elisha called the woman back and then proceeded to tell her that by this time next year, she would have a son.  At first she didn’t believe it, but sure enough, to this woman and her old husband a son was indeed born. 

When the son was grown, he went out to the field one day to help his father.  He complained of his head hurting and was carried back to his mother, where he soon died.  He was placed on the guest bed in Elisha’s room, and then the Shunamite rode a donkey to Mt. Carmel, where she found Elisha.  She grabbed his feet and in great distress she reminded him of God’s promise of a son for her.  A promise that now ended because her son was dead.  Elisha returned to her house, and through God’s intervention the son was restored to life.

What so impressed me as I read Davis’ commentary was this:  The Shunamite woman, when asked by Elisha if he could put in a good word for her, said no…..that she had all she needed.  She had no need of a favor or a good word or anything, really.  She had position and money, a husband and a home, and a strong community.  No needs.

Yet at the end of this story, she is very needy as she pleads for Elisha’s help.  What had made her needy?  God’s gift had made her needy.  God had given her a son, a beautiful gift of a son, but through that gift she had now become very needy.  God gave her a gift, but then He took it away.  Does this mean……that God is mean?  Does He enjoy giving good gifts only to enjoy taking them away?  Does He “make glad, only to increase the pain?  Does He lift us up only to drop us all the harder?” (Davis) 

The Shunamite clutched Elisha’s feet and sobbed in bitter distress as she pleaded for his help.  And in her sobs and her distressful pleading, she was exercising faith in God.  The God Whom had so blessed her was now perplexing her and crushing her.  And as Davis said, “What can you do when God’s mercy has turned to malice?  Take the bitter distress and in it keep clutching at the God you don’t understand.  We have a word for that: faith. (Which tells us, by the way, that faith is not serenity.)”

My mind turns to our Aaron when I read these words.  He was such a wonderful gift from God to Gary and me.  We had been married for over five years when he was born.  He was a precious little 6 lb. 4 oz. bundle of blessing to us. Our firstborn!  I knew that no other woman on the earth had ever felt as much joy as I was feeling as I looked at him in my arms.  I was so proud and thankful.  A son!  Boys were rare in our family and there I was, with a son.  A SON!

The days turned into months and the months into years.  Then came the seizures, along with behaviors that only increased with age instead of improving.  School issues, finding doctors, trying all sorts of medicines, friends or lack thereof, sibling problems, the autism diagnosis, endless meetings with professionals, embarrassments, and constant awareness that our life was often rotating around Aaron.  It was overwhelming, and totally not what I thought life would be like for us and our Aaron……our son.

It was often hard to capture that joy and pride I had experienced when he was born.  I loved Aaron……I love him now……but it’s often been through a haze of sadness because of his condition, and frustration because of his behaviors.  As I read what Dale Davis wrote, though, it hit me square in my heart.  God’s gift of Aaron to me has made me needy…..and being needy has made me learn to rely on God in a way I might not have done otherwise. 

 
Like Davis said, I have often found myself clutching at the God that I don’t always understand….and that is called faith.  “Faith is not serenity,” Davis said.  That’s certainly true in my life.  Not only is life with Aaron rarely serene, but the raging questions and disappointments in my heart are anything but serene. 

Is Aaron our thorn in the flesh like Paul had?  Maybe.  I do know that beside certain verses in my Bible I have written Aaron’s name and a date, my signpost of ways that God reached down and spoke to me concerning Aaron issues.  God has certainly used this gift of Aaron to draw me to Himself in a way that perhaps I would not have ever experienced without Aaron in my life. 

I want to remember that phrase……..God’s gift has made me needy.  Needy for God and needy for faith………a faith exercised in sometimes very trying circumstances and a faith exercised without always having answers to my questions. 

Davis said, “……the story is here to reveal your God – the God Who delights to amaze His ‘ordinary’ people with good gifts; Who sometimes baffles us with the mysterious sorrow He brings…..”

God baffles, but He also blesses. 

Much like Aaron does in my life………from baffling to blessing, over and over.     

Connecting the Dots

A year ago, Gary and I were in midst of making a very difficult decision……a decision that meant we would leave a place and a people that we loved because reconciliation had been denied to us.  It was a painful time for us, as well as for some dear friends that were left behind.  One day one of those friends called and asked if she and her husband could come over that evening to talk to us.  Gary and I were happy to have them come, but we didn’t think we should talk too much about the situation.  We really didn’t know what the visit would entail………or what a huge blessing awaited us.

Mike and Beth sat on the love seat in our living room that night, while Gary and I sat on the couch.  We exchanged small talk, and then one thing led to another as Mike and Beth started telling us about their youth.  They told us how they came to know the Lord; about how they met; about their dating days and their engagement, and then their marriage.  Through laughter and shaking of heads, they shared with us some stories of their early rocky experiences but also of how gracious God was to them in so many ways.  Their differing backgrounds and their stubbornness and their immaturity all melded together over the months and years as God worked on them, and exhibited to them His continuing grace.  They grew in their love for the Lord and their love for each other.  God blessed them with three wonderful children who love and serve the Lord today. 

Gary and I sat there, listening and laughing as they told their story.  Yet I must admit that I wondered why they were telling us all of this.  We thought that Mike and Beth had come to encourage us in this painful time, and while our visit was very enjoyable it just wasn’t exactly what I expected.  Until Mike reached a point in their story where he sat up on the edge of that love seat and excitedly said, “You see, God had a plan for Beth and me.  All along, He was connecting the dots in our lives and bringing us to where we needed to be…….and He still is doing that today.”  Mike continued, “I don’t know what all has happened with you guys, and I don’t need to know.  But I do know that God is connecting the dots in your lives, too.”

So simple.  So amazing.  God pried open my heart with those words and the tears rolled down my cheeks.  I didn’t have to say a word or share a word about our situation.  The Holy Spirit was there, directing the conversation and using it to soothe our hurting hearts. 

I’ve given that night and Mike’s words a lot of thought over the months since.  God connecting the dots………orchestrating the events in our lives in such a way that the end result is a beautiful picture, full of His handiwork and love. 

It reminds me of the pictures I used to work on in my coloring books, those dot-to-dot pictures.  I used to love doing those.  Sometimes it was fairly easy to see what the finished picture was going to be, but as I got older I enjoyed the harder pictures.  Those were the ones that were more difficult to figure out before they were fully finished.  There was just a mass of numbered dots but no order.  Yet as I carefully followed the numbers……1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and so on, the picture eventually took shape. 
 

 
In Psalm 37:3, David said that a man’s steps are established…….are directed……by the Lord.  Each step of ours God directs, even bringing us back into order when we mess up.  It’s easy to look back now and see how step 1 led to step 2 and so forth.  But I’m still stepping and still following, often unsure of where the next dot is or the next number, but knowing that God has promised to direct each step that I take.  Just as I can look back at some of the connected dots and see the picture taking shape, I can also look ahead with full trust that God is connecting the dots, guiding my way.

 
And there’s another beautiful truth connected to all this business of connecting the dots.  It’s something that Peter wrote about in I Peter 2:21.  He said that Jesus left us an example to follow.  That word for example means an outline of a sketch that is waiting to be filled in with details.  Jesus designs the sketch of our lives and then carefully fills in the details that are designed for each of us.  My unique details will not be your unique details.  Or my husband’s or my children’s, even. 

 
God is leading me, step by step.  And as each step is taken, each dot is connecting and forming a sketch……a design made just for me……..in which God then carefully colors in the most beautiful details that I can ever imagine. 

 
Some of the dots may be full of pain…..others with laughter…..some with doubts and questions…….many with hurt…….and a few with carefree ease.  Parts of my sketch may already be completed, other parts are partially done, and still some haven’t even been started.  But one day, I’ll be able to look and see a wonderful picture, whether simple or complex, completed with God’s direction and with His brush strokes of sovereign love.

 
There sure is a lot I don’t understand about so many things.  I still have questions that roll around in my mind during the dark hours of the night…….pain in my heart at some of the hurt we’ve experienced……..wondering why and how things happened the way they did.  But I love thinking about those dots that are connecting into what will someday be a complete and fully understood picture, thanks to God’s grace.

 
When I last talked to Mike and Beth about that night, and asked if I could write about it, both of them laughed and said they couldn’t even remember what all they said.  Oh, but Gary and I remember, because God wanted us to hear those words and to have that lesson penetrate our hearts. 

Connecting the dots. 

And seeing a sketch filled in with God’s perfect details. 

 

 

 

 

Mountains and Valleys

Many years ago, in the land of Israel, there were two battles that God used to speak greatly to me right here in 2014.  It’s just another example of how powerful and living the Word of God is, and how God uses his timeless word to speak to us where we are today.  This story involves the wicked King Ahab and the wicked Arameans and the weak Israelites……except that the Israelites had God on their side, which is all they or any of us need.

The Arameans decided to come up against Israel.  They had a great multitude, especially compared to Israel’s small numbers.  However, God isn’t worried about numbers, and so with His strength and wisdom He enabled Israel to attack the Arameans and win the battle. 

The Arameans didn’t take this defeat sitting down.  Soon they decided, through the counsel of their king’s advisers, to attack Israel.   The first battle was in the hill country, but the Arameans decided that the second battle would be in the valley.  They reasoned that the gods of Israel were the gods of the mountains but not gods of the valleys, so they decided to give themselves the strategic advantage of fighting in the valley for this second go around. 

 
God had other plans, as we well know.  The Arameans obviously didn’t know that there is one God, and that He is God of both mountains and valleys.  In I Kings 20:28 we find God speaking through His servant as He said, “Because the Arameans have said, ‘The Lord is a god of the mountains, but He is not a god of the valleys’, therefore I will give all this great multitude into your hand, and you shall know that I am the Lord.”

Sure enough, God once again gave Israel a sound victory over the Arameans….valley or not.  It totally didn’t matter whether the battle was in the mountains or in the valleys, because God is God of both.  It doesn’t matter what we or others think about God.  He IS the God of the mountains and He IS the god of the valleys.  Period. 

This is an old analogy but well worth repeating.  I have mountains in my life and I have valleys.  I have the good times and I have the bad times.  We all do.  It’s easy to see God on those mountain experiences when things are going well, and to talk of all His blessings.  We see our prayers answered the way we want them answered, and so we praise God for “answering our prayers.”  We feel like God is near and evident because……well, because we feel Him.  We see all the good things and we feel Him near, and we’re just so high up on that mountain.
 

But what about the valley?  We will end up there, you know.  Things in life do have a way of changing, for some more than others.  The valley is a harder place to see God and to feel His presence.  Prayers aren’t always answered in the way that we want…….in the way that we pray.  Healing may not come.  Ongoing heartache may not go away.  Doors may not open.  Relationships may not be restored. 

Sometimes the valley is one quick battle and we’re done.  We can be back up on that mountain in no time.  But often we find that our valley experience is prolonged and painful, so hard to understand and so hard to maintain.  What we need to remember…….what I need to remember……is the lesson that God taught to the Arameans so long ago. 

God IS God, no matter where we find ourselves.  He knows the battle plan and the best location for that plan to take place in our lives.  Through the good and the bad, God’s desire is for us and for all around us to see………through our battle………that He is the Lord. 

Now it’s easy for me, as I sit in my comfortable chair at my special quiet time desk with my pretty candle flickering, to have all these thoughts about mountains and valleys.  It’s quite another matter to live this out when I get up from that desk, leave my comfy chair, and blow out the candle.  Life hits me square in the face many times, and I find myself with thoughts and worries and frustrations that are not honoring to God at all.  I’m thankful that God understands my weaknesses, but I’m even more thankful that He tells me over and over that He IS God.  He wants me to know by experience, both on the mountain and in the valley, that He is fighting for me.

 
It’s not the length or the location of the battle, but it’s the strength of my God that I need to remember.  And His presence, in both the mountains and the valleys of my life. 

“I will give all this great multitude into your hand, and you shall know that I am the Lord.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Footprints in the Water

Israel was in bondage in Egypt when God raised up a deliverer, Moses.  The people watched with wonder as God performed miracle after miracle.  A staff that turned into a serpent;  water turning to blood; frogs; gnats; flies; locusts…..   So many signs and wonders God performed.  So many tangible evidences of His might and power.  Then at Passover, the application of the blood on the door posts, the deaths of the first born of the disobedient – more evidences of God’s working.  He was there with them, unmistakable, and working among Israelites and Egyptians alike.  The proof was everywhere to be seen.

Finally Pharaoh let the people go.  They left Egypt quickly, trusting in God’s power to protect them.  God led them by a pillar of cloud during the day, and at night a pillar of fire.  This was just even more evidence of God’s plan being fulfilled for Israel, and more proof to these weary people that God was leading them forward.  They were progressing onward, yes, but they had no idea of what was just ahead.

God told Moses to have the Israelites turn back from where they were and to encamp by the Red Sea.  I wonder how many Israelites had serious doubts about this decision that God had made.  Still they were safe, though, because there were ways around the sea.  That is, until they looked out on the horizon and saw the hordes of Egyptian soldiers bearing down on them.  There was no way of escape now.  They were surrounded by water that was impassable, and by soldiers that were impassioned, and by a situation that was impossible!

The people of Israel feared greatly at this reality.  Gone were the thoughts of locusts and frogs and water turning to blood.  Gone was the trust that we think they should have shown in the God Who had led them this far by performing so many miracles.  All they could see was the hopeless situation all around them, and the doom they knew was impending.  They cried out to the Lord and to Moses in their fear and anger.  “What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt?  It would be better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness!” 

Moses replied, “Fear not; stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today.  The Lord will fight for you and you have only to be silent.”  What?  Be silent?  We’re all going to DIE!!!!  Those are my words because I imagine I would say something like that in this situation……which is why I was so struck the other  morning as I read Psalm 77:19:  “Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen.”

God’s footprints were all over the place as He brought plague after plague upon the people of Egypt.  It’s comforting to have footprints to follow when you’re going through a hard time, even if you’re not exactly sure where they will lead.  The Israelites never dreamed that God would lead them to the Red Sea and then leave them there as they were surrounded by the blood thirsty Egyptians.  They forgot God’s power as they looked at their seemingly impossible situation.  They forgot to trust when God’s footprints were unseen in the water.

Yet God’s way for Israel was through the sea.  His path for Israel was through the great waters.  Sometimes that’s where my path leads, too – up against situations and events that are deep with trouble or fraught with questions.  God wants me to venture forward, trusting in Him even when I can’t see his footprints in the water.  You see, it’s not the footprints I need to be trusting.  It’s God Himself that I need to lean on with faith and obedience. 

And I can fully claim the promise of Isaiah 43:2:  “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you.”