Category: Relationships

Important Uncle Aaron

It’s been way too long since I’ve given an update on Aaron in his life role of being Uncle Aaron.  All in all, Aaron has made great progress.  But our road with Aaron is never without some bumps…or sometimes potholes!

Ryker is now 19 months old.  He is talking and showing more of his cute personality.  Aaron is fascinated with this and is showing more interest in Ryker, which we all thought he would do once Ryker had a few more months under his belt.  Aaron sees him more now as a little fellow human and not just a strange little baby. 

Aaron loves giving Ryker food or toys, and Ryker is very happy to receive them.

Yet when he tries to get Uncle Aaron’s attention to get a response from him, Aaron doesn’t know what to do, so he doesn’t do anything.

 Aaron’s lack of response to Ryker is very similar to how Aaron reacts so often to us when we get a little too close for comfort, like wanting a hug from him or a confirming verbal response.  Aaron will often back away from anything that makes him show too much emotion, especially if it’s on our terms and not his.  

Aaron likes to show Ryker his special items, like these rocks that he wanted Ryker to see.

Ryker especially loves Uncle Aaron’s room because it’s full of all sorts of cool things to touch and pick up and pull or throw…sometimes to Uncle Aaron’s delight and sometimes to Uncle Aaron’s dismay.  But it really makes Aaron feel special to see how much Ryker loves his bedroom.  

However, despite all the progress Aaron has made, this little fellow human can still sometimes make Aaron feel like he has been displaced in our home and our lives.   

“Ryker takes away my importance with Mom,” he said to a friend one day.

It’s a very telling and heart-rending statement from Aaron.  He truly has had so many adjustments to make as he learns to share his life…our lives…with this new little member of our family.  

We all assure Aaron that his place in our family has not changed one bit.  I have told him that love isn’t divided; it’s multiplied many times as God brings new people into our lives.  A friend told me that her family has talked about how our hearts grow bigger as we have more people to love.  We don’t push anyone out, we just grow bigger hearts to make room for more people to love.

Aaron listens to these words, but he still struggles with wanting to be the center of attention.  When Ryker gets more attention, then Aaron feels like Ryker is more important in our lives.  It’s a fine balancing act for all of us.

Kyle, Andrea, and Ryker came over a few days after Kyle had returned from being at sea for 3 months.  For two solid hours, they both gave as much of their full attention to Aaron as they could.  This included getting on the floor to put stickers in Aaron’s sticker book with him.  And listening to Aaron talk literally non-stop about all his interests.

Their understanding and patience with Aaron mean the world to us. 

We all see that Ryker, even at his young age, is looking at his Uncle Aaron in a way that shows he is already trying to figure out what makes him tick.  He’s trying to say Aaron’s name and the other night, after Uncle Aaron gave one of his loud claps, Ryker did the same with his sweet pudgy hands.  

We all gave each other knowing smiles.

Ryker will have a front row seat to Aaron’s world and with it will come the invaluable knowledge that special Uncle Aaron is really a very extraordinary gift from God.  

Despite the potholes in our family road, I believe Ryker will be all the richer for having his special…and important…Uncle Aaron in his life.  

And I also believe that Aaron’s heart will continue to grow and grow because of his little nephew that made him Uncle Aaron.

Automatic Uncle Aaron

I’m sitting here staring at this blank screen, wondering how I can convey Aaron’s adjustment or lack thereof to being Uncle Aaron.  I think the best way to do so is to share with you a statement he made not long ago.  Here is Uncle Aaron in true Aaron form, talking about his role as an uncle.

“Well, Andrea made me the uncle without asking.  Why did she automatically make me the uncle?!”

Shame on Andrea, right?  

Oh, Aaron.

I made a feeble attempt to explain this dynamic of becoming an uncle, but Uncle Aaron was already on to another topic, and I knew when it was time to just hush.

As I have said many times in the past and am sure I will continue to say many times in the future, Aaron’s main concern in life is Aaron.  His schedule, his routine, his comfort, his attention…these are a few of the things that matter most to him.  When the title “Uncle” is added to his name, that means there is another person in his world that made him an uncle…and that little person sometimes takes Aaron’s schedule, routine, comfort, and attention, and stands all of it on its head.  

Aaron’s world is jumbled during those times.  He is not the center of attention, the master of his world, the keeper of his schedule…and this disruption is HUGE to him.

You should hear him at the dinner table when Andrea, Kyle, and Ryker are at our house.  He literally will not quit talking, and when he is interrupted by us giving Ryker attention, he is perturbed.  Or when Aaron takes a bite and we can use those two seconds when he is not talking to jump in and quickly start another vein of conversation, Aaron huffs and puffs and chews extra fast so he can quickly start talking again.  

He cannot figure out why on earth we would interrupt his monologue about the core of the earth, the solar eclipse, the ancient cave bones that were unearthed, what causes earthquakes…and by the way, why didn’t the moon melt during the recent eclipse??

BUT…Aaron, despite all these interruptions into his ordered life, is surprising us with his efforts to assimilate Ryker into his life and to try to understand his new little nephew.

Ryker just stares at Aaron, waiting for eye contact and for a response.  He doesn’t get that from Aaron yet, of course.  Aaron has yet to talk to Ryker.  That concept is just too hard for Aaron.  So, Ryker observes his Uncle Aaron with great curiosity, even at only 15 months of age. 

What Aaron does love to do is to give Ryker things.  Here he is sharing his pecans with Ryker.

He was super excited for our sweet little neighbor to share her chalk with Ryker.

And for the first time in years, Aaron wanted to have an Easter basket and an egg hunt like Ryker.  A little jealousy there, I’m sure, but it was fun and had some sweet moments.

The good times and the progress we see is very encouraging to us.

They truly are more frequent than the other side that crops up when Aaron is feeling usurped and not loved as much as Ryker.

After all, Aaron may have automatically been made an uncle but knowing how to really BE an uncle is not automatic for Uncle Aaron at all!

We have certainly learned that fact over this past year.

And we have also learned to be thankful for every single bright spot that we see along this growing Uncle Aaron journey.

Uncle Aaron: Out of Order

A few weeks ago, Aaron had an incident at his day group.  He got mad at another client there, lost his temper, and ended up being pushed down.  As a result, a nose piece on his glasses got a little bent.  As soon as we could, I took Aaron to our vision center to have his glasses fixed.

Knowing that Aaron greatly enjoys telling everyone all the juicy details of these happenings, I paused to talk to him before we went inside.  I told him that no one needed to know all about how his nose piece got bent.  It’s hard to explain without making him or the other young man or his day group look bad. 

Aaron agreed.

I was not convinced.

As soon as we were seated at the table, Aaron took off his glasses for the technician.  She immediately saw the bent nose piece.  But Aaron could not stop himself from giving at least some form of explanation.

“My place in Wichita went out of order,” he flatly said.

She was confused but made no comment, only smiled.

I was holding in a belly laugh.

And Aaron strikes again with his hilarious and unique way of explaining things, I thought.

It wasn’t until sometime later that it hit me.  Aaron had made the perfect explanation of how he sees his new role as Uncle Aaron.

His place in our family went out of order.

Order is what Aaron craves in his life.  But it must be the order that Aaron mandates.  Anyone who disrupts that order is the object of Aaron’s anger.

Aaron’s nephew, Ryker, has disrupted Aaron’s ordered life.  Aaron’s normal has been upended now that Ryker and Andrea and Kyle live here.  

When the three of them are at our house, Aaron’s mood often becomes confrontational and angry.  He makes comments about how we don’t love him anymore or don’t love him as much as we love Ryker.  Or he gets angry at Kyle for whatever reason.  

Aaron has had us to himself for years.  This sharing business is a monumental adjustment for him.  

Autism is so tricky…so very hard to understand sometimes.  A lot of times.

Or we understand it on paper but when behaviors affect our joy and our emotions then it’s, quite honestly, maddening.

This is how I look at it.  When we see Aaron having a seizure, we understand what is happening.  We feel concern and empathy for Aaron.  We want to help him and be sure that he is cared for and safe.

However, when we see Aaron’s autism at play, it usually involves some sort of behavior from him.  Sometimes he can be funny or uniquely amazing, but there are also plenty of times that he is disruptive, angry, unreasonable…I’ll stop there.  You get the picture.

When he is seizing, we stay with him until the seizure is over.  We would never tell him to stop seizing.  He can’t, of course.

When he is having an autistic episode of anger or frustration, we try to talk to him…to tell him to stop…to get him to listen to reason.  But he usually can’t, any more than he can stop a seizure.

But that fact is hard to grasp in the middle of everyone’s high emotions.  

When special needs affect behaviors, it is very difficult to have the same level of compassion that we have when there is only a physical effect, such as a seizure.  That’s because behaviors affect others around the person so personally.  Our emotions get involved because we are frustrated, hurt, angry ourselves, disappointed, and the list goes on.  

Aaron reacts to his environment very strongly.  His environment has been turned upside down by the addition of his nephew into his life, as well as his sister and brother-in-law. 

All of this makes me think of that old Tina Turner song: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

Nothing, to Aaron.  Not when his world is out of order.

It’s not all bad, though.  Aaron has sweet moments, and we relish those.  

A few nights ago, he wanted Ryker to sit on his bed before they left.  He gave Ryker a necklace of his and laughed in delight at how happy that made Ryker.  Then Aaron ran downstairs to tell Kyle he was sorry for being mean to him earlier.  

Yesterday, Aaron walked outside with Andrea and Ryker. 

 

Aaron was more patient with everyone and didn’t attempt to be the only one talking all during our lunch.

“Was I good when Andrea and Kyle were here, Mom?” he asked me last night. 

He’s so childlike at these times and my heart really goes out to him.

Our prayer is that Uncle Aaron will learn to be secure in his place in our family; to develop a relationship with Ryker as well as Kyle; and to know that he is greatly loved.

And to someday know that his world is not out of order but is instead in a very wonderful order!

Up and Down With Uncle Aaron

Many of you have been wondering how Uncle Aaron is faring with his little nephew, Ryker.  Well, since a picture is worth a thousand words, let me share our family Christmas picture that our sweet neighbor was kind enough to take for us in the middle of some cold temperatures.

You can clearly see the struggle on Aaron’s face.  And also the love that his sister, Andrea, has for him as she helped him tolerate standing there long enough for some pictures by holding his hand.

It wasn’t just the cold that was bothering Aaron.  Not even the promise of eating dinner out right after this was enough to make Aaron smile.

Reality was setting in for Aaron.  Andrea worded it perfectly last night as we talked after Aaron had left the room.

“Ryker has infiltrated Aaron’s life,” she wisely said.  

I can illustrate Aaron’s way of viewing his life by what happened as he and I were getting his blankets on his bed a couple nights ago.  He got two new blankets for Christmas.  Since it’s been so cold, he wants to put both new blankets on his bed along with the three he already uses…for a grand total of five blankets!

I have written before about the order of his covers.  Nothing has changed.  He has decided that on top of his already well-ordered blankets, he wants the Christmas blanket first and the grey blanket on top.  I made the dastardly mistake of reversing that order.  I went ahead with things, wondering if Aaron would mind.  He did.

“Mom, I want the Christmas blanket first!” he said.

“It doesn’t really matter, Aaron,” I naively answered.

“But I want them the way I like them!” he declared.

He was already removing the offending grey blanket as he spoke.  Knowing better than to fight his need for this certain order, I complied while keeping silent.  

Pick your battles, right?

Aaron’s initial reaction to Ryker was precious.  He gave Ryker his special bear, as I wrote about earlier.

Within three days, Aaron had taken back the bear.

Up and down.

After friends graciously took him out to dinner on our Christmas Eve, and then he survived our Christmas day, he was much improved.  After some encouragement from me, he gave the bear back to Ryker.

But the realities of autism rule Aaron’s mind and his relationships. 

Again, look at another picture.  This is Aaron’s place at our dinner table one recent night.  He set the table, and his setting is exactly as he wants…and needs…it to be.  Fighting it is useless and unproductive.

Watching Aaron in every area of his life is exactly as described years ago by M.P. Everard:  “…one is instantly aware of how different they are and the enormous effort they have to make to live in a world where no concessions are made and where they are expected to conform.”

The reality of a baby in our lives, even his precious nephew, is not precious to Aaron.  He sees the laughter and the joy that Ryker brings.  Aaron is not the center of attention.  His egocentric tendencies rebel against this fact.

Conforming to our desire for Aaron to love and accept Ryker is a huge mountain for Aaron to climb.  

When Ryker is with us during a meal, Aaron literally spends the entire time talking about things like the core of the earth, whatever video he is watching, aliens, etc., etc.

Andrea is so good to try to focus on Aaron, but we all know that Aaron also needs to understand and to share that focus with Ryker.

Ryker, the offending nephew.  

The infiltration of the nephew is not acceptable to Aaron.  

“I want life the way I like it!!” Aaron is inwardly…and sometimes outwardly…saying.  

I wish he was only referring to blankets and silverware.  But Aaron is also wanting his immediate family to focus on him when we are all together.  Ryker is not cooperating with that demand from Aaron just by nature of being a baby.

Today I spent lots of much needed time with Aaron.  We went to Wal-Mart, picked up Taco Bell for lunch, watched two episodes of All Creatures Great and Small, and played Yahtzee.  

While shopping, Aaron picked out a cute little yellow stuffed bee that he wants to give Ryker.  I talked to him about how the best thing he can give Ryker is his love and kindness.  I believe, from Aaron’s responses, that he really does want to do that, but his desires are overtaken by how his brain is wired.  He reacts spontaneously to his environment, no matter who he offends.  

So, we keep plugging away as we try to understand with patience the huge task in front of Aaron.  And trust me, sometimes our patience wears very thin.

Our prayer is that Aaron will learn to love sharing his love with Ryker as much as he loves sharing stuffed animals.   

Through the ups and downs of this new journey, I do not want to forget all the goodness of God that He has shown us.  The answers to our prayers have been amazing.  

May I not lose sight of the fact that even when I feel like Aaron’s heart is out of our reach, his heart is never out of God’s reach.  

Thank you to each of you who are caring and are praying.   

Uncle Aaron, The Nephew, and The Bear

Our crowd from Texas all arrived safely in three different stages on Monday night.  What a relief to have them all here at last!

Except relief is not the word that Aaron would use to describe his feelings about this situation.  

His word choice would have been “dread.”  Dread mixed in with a little anger.

But Aaron reacts this way to any situation that threatens to up-end his ordered, predictable world.

Even on the day the family was to arrive, Aaron was still letting us know that he did not want to be Uncle Aaron and he did not want to have a nephew. 

He was asleep when the last travelers arrived at 10:30, with Ryker (the nephew) in tow.  Poor little Ryker was tired of traveling and scared of all the sudden new surroundings until he was able to finally stretch his legs and do some exploring.  Then there was no stopping him!

Ryker was awake early the next morning, and so was Aaron.  Aaron walked in the room where Ryker was staying.  Andrea had just changed his diaper.  I saw Aaron’s eyes dart to Ryker but then quickly look away.

“There’s Ryker, Aaron,” I softly said.

But Aaron was very nervous, and I knew not to push.  Aaron focused solely on Andrea.  He began talking about and showing her the box for his new Batman game.  He was in his comfort zone, and it was best to leave him there.

Andrea and I went downstairs with Ryker, where Aaron soon followed, still focusing only on Andrea as he talked about games and movies…anything but “The Nephew.”  Ryker just looked at Aaron, certainly intrigued, but Aaron still refused to acknowledge his presence.

After some time, Aaron thumped back up two flights of stairs to his bedroom.  Soon we heard him coming down again.  I thought that Aaron would have a new game box to show Andrea.  

But no.  Instead, he was carrying a stuffed bear.

This wasn’t just any stuffed bear.  34 years ago, while we lived in Germany, our third child was born…Andrew.  Aaron was five years old, and he did not welcome his tiny little brother into the world.  Instead, he was uncomfortable around baby Andrew and kept his sullen distance when they visited us in the hospital.  We attributed it to normal adjustments that many children have with a new sibling.  

When we brought Andrew home from the hospital, we were concerned about how Aaron would react to his brother actually living with us.  As soon as we walked inside, Aaron looked at us and then ran back to his room.  Soon he returned carrying his favorite stuffed bear, given to him when he was born. 

“Here,” he said as he held his bear out to us.  “Andrew can have this.”

That was his way of accepting his new brother.  And for the rest of his years at home, that bear was Andrew’s bear. 

Andrew grew up and moved away.  The bear was in his closet.  One day, Aaron saw the bear and asked if he could have it.  Andrew, of course, said yes.  So, for all these years that special bear has been Aaron’s bear again.

Over this past year we have watched 39-year-old Uncle Aaron exhibit the same unaccepting behavior toward his new baby nephew as he had shown toward his new brother.  

But then…

Aaron held the bear out toward Ryker.

“Here,” he said to Andrea, “Ryker can have this.”

I was blown away as my mind wrapped around the significance of this moment.

I was taken back all those years ago to our military quarters in Germany, little Aaron handing his favorite bear to Andrew.  And now handing that very significant bear to The Nephew.  To Ryker.

I could never have orchestrated a sweeter, more meaningful way for Aaron to show his acceptance of Ryker.

Oh, thank you Lord!  

And thanks to all of you have prayed over this past year for Aaron to accept and love Ryker.  All of you have a part in the miracle we have seen over the past three days.  

Aaron has been sharing food and toys and stuffed animals with his nephew. 

But nothing he shares can surpass that first thing he shared…the little brown stuffed bear with such a story to tell of love and acceptance.

Do You Know Me?

One evening last week, Aaron had a money gift burning a hole in his pocket.  He knew exactly what he wanted, so off we went to Walmart to look at throw pillows.  He wanted one to rest his book on while reading at night.  Soon we were walking down the main aisle toward the check-out lanes, Aaron happily holding his very soft black pillow.  

Walking toward us was a cashier whose lane we have used several times when we have checked out.   While in her lane, Aaron, as usual, talks and talks to her while she scans our items.  He discusses with her what we have bought..what he likes that we have bought..does she like those too?…what he wanted but Mom wouldn’t let him get…would she want those?…why or why not?…and anything else that he can quickly grab out of thin air before it’s time for us to walk away.

Aaron spied her as she walked toward us.  She gave us a nice smile.  I said hello and smiled in return.  Then Aaron stopped beside her and stared.  She wasn’t quite sure what to do.

“Do you know me?” he asked her.  

“Well, I scan your items sometimes and I remember you,” she replied, relaxing some and smiling at Aaron.

“It’s almost my BIRTHDAY!!” he exclaimed.

She wished him a happy birthday as I took his arm to lead him on and thanked her.

Oh, Aaron.

So unabashedly himself.  

Of course she remembers you, I thought to myself.  LOTS of people remember you.

But then it hit me.  It’s one thing to remember Aaron.  It’s quite another thing to KNOW Aaron.

“Do you know me?” he asked.

Aaron wasn’t diagnosed with autism until he was 14 years old.  We remember many incidents during those years before his diagnosis.  We remember his behaviors and quirks increasing but everyone attributing it to his seizure meds or the effects of the seizures themselves.  It was an extremely stressful time.

His autism diagnosis answered so many questions for us.  Off we set on this journey of understanding autism as it related to Aaron.

More importantly, however, we began to really understand Aaron through the tangled web of autism.  

In other words, we were getting to know Aaron for the complex person that he is.  

To REALLY know him.

It’s fun to know the funny side of Aaron.

We smile at the quirky side of Aaron.

And to enjoy the things that Aaron enjoys.

All those traits, and many more, are easy to roll with and relish.

But…and there’s always a “but,” isn’t there?

But there is an equal part of Aaron that can be very stressful and upsetting.

Sometimes, the upsets are mild, like when he uses multiple utensils for every meal.  Or doesn’t even use all of them but he needs each of them for reasons that are very real to him.  

Or how he can’t have just one CD of a particular artist that he is listening to but must have all of them out of the cabinet at the same time, strewn around the van or hidden under his bed.

How his routine and schedule are so important to him, to the point that he has a very hard time yielding any of it to our schedule, or to understand interruptions.

How hard it is so many times to wait on us when we’re going somewhere.  His impatience turns to anger, which can spread quickly to us.  

And then he carries that anger on some days to his day group, where he takes it out on others and has a no good, very bad day.  Here he is on one such very bad day.

It’s heartbreaking to see his struggles.  

“Do you know me?” I imagine him saying to us or to those who work with him.

Knowing Aaron…really knowing Aaron…takes lots of time and experience.  Lots of hard knocks and long nights and balancing acts.

Many days it’s one step forward and two steps back.

“Do you know me?” he asks again.

Sometimes we answer yes through gritted teeth, through tears, or anger and harsh words.

And then guilt.

Guilt that even though we know Aaron, we don’t always remember how he will react to even the most mundane things…things like a facial expression, a tone of voice, or a hand movement that pushes him over the edge.

But there is another thing we know.  

We know that God designed Aaron to be truly unique.  

God gave Aaron to us to love and to care for.  

And God knows that we need His strength and wisdom every single day.

“Do you know me?” Aaron asks again.

“Yes, Aaron,” we reply.  “We know you, and we will always remember that we love you in all your variety.”

It’s Aaron

After being out of town for several days, Gary and I returned on Monday afternoon.  Aaron was happy, happy to have us home.  But by Tuesday morning he was wishing that we were gone again, and our friends were back at the house watching him.  Re-entry to real life is often difficult for Aaron.  

And he is not the only one who finds it difficult!

Aaron was belligerent on Tuesday when faced with the reality of returning to his day group.  He was very verbal and confrontational.  It’s the side of Aaron that tests my mettle to the core.

It’s hard not to respond in kind to him.  Sometimes I do say more than I want to say, sadly.  As we drove to his day group, I really laid into him.  Not in a damaging or harmful way, but in a truthful way about how his words hurt us and why.  There are concepts that he needs to hear about how to love us even when he is angry.  How to recognize and acknowledge all we do for him instead of thinking only of himself. 

The night before, I had watched a video with him about a triangle UFO.  It’s the last thing I wanted to do.   He had called us repeatedly while we were gone, talking about this UFO video he wanted me to watch with him.

“MOM!!” he exclaimed, “it’s a triangle UFO video that’s 44:42.  Would you watch 44:42?”

Those are the minutes and seconds that he memorizes on each YouTube video that he watches, by the way.

He was ecstatic that I agreed to look it up and then to actually sit through 44:42.

So, on that next morning full of anger, he was full of remorse as I spoke truthfully to him.  As we neared his day group, he spoke softly.

“I’m glad you looked up the triangle UFO video.”

I was quiet.

“I’m glad you looked it up,” he repeated several more times before getting out of the van.

It was Aaron’s way of trying to say he was sorry.

A few hours apart worked wonders for both of us.  He was very happy when I picked him up and I was responsive once more.  I took him to the lab for some bloodwork, where he had to be poked in each arm and he flinched…something he rarely does.  My heart went out to him.  He deals with so much, even more internally in that brain of his than outwardly sometimes.

The technician gave him the plastic tourniquet to keep.  He was delighted.  I watched him walk around WalMart later, both arms with band aids and the tourniquet dangling from his fingers as if it was a prized possession.

I thought of how those small gestures…those items insignificant to us…bring him such joy. 

And it hit me that there are countless times that the seemingly insignificant, daily actions of Aaron bring us such joy…of how much I need to focus on those moments rather than the outbursts that bring hurt.

It’s Aaron at Walmart trying to hide from me because he has BOTH crescent rolls and biscuits in his hand that he wants me to buy.

It’s Aaron sitting on the floor of the store, totally oblivious to anyone around him as he checks out the peanuts on the bottom shelf.

It’s Aaron hardly able to wait until he could show me how much his sunflowers had grown while we were gone.

It’s Aaron helping clean under the kitchen table after supper.

It’s Aaron telling me he took his snacks to the snack drawer before bed.

It’s Aaron thrilled to pieces that I let him buy TWO boxes of Texas Toast.

It’s Aaron loving to do science experiments.

It’s Aaron super excited about his new volcano lamp.

It’s Aaron overjoyed because he won this light-up bouncy ball in Bingo, which he took today to show all our Meals on Wheels clients.  

It’s Aaron sitting alone in the mulch, breaking pieces into a container the same way he has done since he was a little boy.  There goes my heart.

It’s Aaron’s unique sense of style, unaffected by current trends or other’s opinions.

It’s Aaron’s unique impact on my life that I want to treasure and relish each day, even despite the hard times.  

The Reluctant Uncle Aaron

You can probably tell from the title that not a lot has changed in Aaron’s attitude about being Uncle Aaron.  

Sigh.

Aaron will still talk it to death, this idea of Uncle Aaron.  Like the day we were chatting with someone.

“My sister had a nephew!!” he suddenly exclaimed.

“Ummmm…your sister had YOUR nephew, Aaron,” I corrected.

Can’t have that unclear fact just hanging in the air, right?

The reasons for Aaron not being thrilled about his little nephew continue to mount.  To many people, the idea of not wanting to meet this sweet little guy just doesn’t make sense.  

But when you understand all the layers that make up Aaron, then it does compute.

Aaron does not like to travel.  Leaving his normal behind at home is a huge stretch for him.  He had adjusted pretty well to being at his sister’s house when we would travel there before all this Uncle Aaron business.  Andrea and Kyle had an extra bedroom that Aaron used, where he could escape to read or play a game or listen to his music during the day.  That room is now Ryker’s nursery. 

We were planning a trip with him in April, but we knew we needed to tell him about this not-so-small detail.  That, and the fact that we planned to fly, was a deal breaker for Aaron, Uncle or not.

Ryker had taken over Aaron’s room, usurping Aaron’s place in their home.

Then there is all this baby-talk silliness that Aaron hears when we facetime with his nephew.  I was having a Gramoo moment with little Ryker one day, speaking with that special baby voice that we all know.  Aaron was standing behind me.  

Softly under his breath I heard him say, “You’re weird.”  

It hit me that we have another element of just how huge this is for Aaron.  He does not like any talking that he considers unusual or, as he often says, is weird.  

Baby talk from Gramoo is most very definitely…weird.

So Ryker, in Aaron’s mind, is responsible for this weirdness. 

We often find ourselves, or others, saying, “If Aaron just…”. 

If Aaron just this or if Aaron just that.  

But Aaron doesn’t JUST do anything outside of his norm very easily.  Autism rules his world.  He can’t tell you a thing about what autism is, but his life shows you many things that autism does…how it affects every facet of his life.  

We think little Ryker would get a big kick out of Aaron, especially the way Aaron runs his fingers together over and over when he talks.  We have told Aaron over and over how much his nephew would love Uncle Aaron, but Aaron is still unmoved.  

Aaron does often smile when he sees pictures and videos of Ryker.   When Aaron plays a Nintendo game he has about taking care of babies, he names his baby Ryker.  All these signs are encouraging.

But the hardest part for Aaron, and the saddest for all of us, is that Aaron wonders about his place now in our family.  This little interloper has come in and is, to Aaron, a competitor for our love.

We have had many conversations with Aaron about how nothing has changed as to how much we love him, and always will.

We have explained how hearts grow as a family grows…how we have room in our hearts for both Aaron and Ryker.  

“You mean I’m not being pushed out of the love?” Aaron asked after one such conversation.  

And my growing heart hurt for Aaron, for his inability to process all this change and for his fear of being replaced by his little nephew.  

It’s also been a lot for Gary and me to process and understand, to accept and to not be angry or bitter.  

We have our moments, our ups and downs with all of it, wishing that we could just be a normal family.  

Yet we also see God’s hand of grace in our lives and have learned to continue to trust His plan in giving us Aaron.  

I keep going back to the verse that God gave me the morning after Andrea and Kyle shared with us their wonderful news about a coming grandbaby.

            “…we have fixed our hope on the living God…”  (I Timothy 4:10)

I knew then that we would have some struggles, but I never knew just how many there would be.

But God knew.  

And I DO know that His knowing hand is all I need to know.

Our Precious Gift Has Arrived

Early this past Wednesday morning our most precious Christmas gift was delivered, all wrapped and perfect in every way.

I’ll let him give his own announcement.

Ryker!  A name meaning “strong one” and also “rich.”  We pray that he will always be strong in the Lord and full of the rich blessings of God in his life.

Mommy and Ryker are both doing well.  They all came home from the hospital yesterday.  Our travel plans are still uncertain, but it goes without saying that we are very ready to meet and to hold our little grandson.

And now for Uncle Aaron.

Aaron knew that Andrea was in the hospital.  He knew when he went to bed on Tuesday night that the baby had still not arrived.  And he was not wanting to hear constant talk of the progress toward his nephew’s birth.

On Wednesday morning, I gave Aaron some time before I told him that his nephew was here.  Finally, I showed him this picture taken shortly after Ryker was born.

Aaron leaned toward the phone as I carefully watched his face.  He stared at the picture and then his face softened.  He had a little slight smile that flickered as he took in this first sight of his nephew.  Then he spoke.

“Ugly,” Aaron said.

Of course, I reprimanded Aaron gently and reminded him that this is his nephew.  His name is Ryker, I told Aaron, and he is a beautiful little baby.

Some would be shocked and offended by Aaron’s comment.  But Aaron was just using the only word he could summon to show that he is needing to adjust to this huge change in his life.  A change that he did not ask for and that he would rather not deal with. 

Aaron knows that this little baby will change everything in his world.  We all know that change is not welcome in Aaron’s set world.  No matter that this is a precious baby that is bringing the change.  To Aaron, it’s the change that is making him nervous and whatever is bringing that change is what Aaron will focus on and hope to ignore.

Like our friend Barb said, “Aaron’s world has changed even with his competition so far away.”

As that first morning continued, we tried to keep baby talk in front of Aaron at a minimum. 

“I don’t want to talk about the nephew,” he said.

At least Aaron was communicating his feelings, right?

Finally, Aaron referred to “the nephew” as Ryker.  Yay!!!

That night, as we prayed before bed, I thanked God for our little Ryker.

“So, I need to love Ryker?” Aaron asked after we prayed.

I knew that Aaron, in his factual way, was working out his feelings and his responsibilities toward this little family interloper…this change agent.  😊

Imagine my shocked delight yesterday, then, as Aaron and I visited two different friends.  This is what happened at each house.

“The baby came!  Mom, show them the picture of Ryker!  I LOVE Ryker!!”

I had a hard time pulling up the pictures because I was trying to lift my jaw off the floor.

It was so spontaneous and sweet. 

Aaron continued his excited recitation about Ryker, which also included some of his concerns about being The Uncle. 

But this is what Aaron needs to do.  He works out his discomfort and concerns with lots of talking, with many questions that we hear over and over, and repetitions of the same answers that he hears from every person who is willing to listen to him and respond.

Free therapy!

Thank you all for that!!  😊

And we thank you so much for all of your prayers, both for Ryker and his birth, and for Aaron and his adjustment.

We’re far from done with that Aaron part.

But we are very thankful for our precious Christmas gift. 

The Happy Uncle Aaron

Aaron has difficulty understanding family relationships.  He understands Mom and Dad, and brother and sister.  He struggles, though, with titles outside of our immediate family.  Sometimes his given titles for family members can be hilarious.  Such was the case when his sister, Andrea, was engaged to marry Kyle.  Aaron thought that Andrea would no longer be his sister, and this thought was intolerable to him.  One day we tried, yet again, to explain that he would not lose his sister but would instead gain a brother. 

“Well, I don’t NEED a Grandbrother!!” he angrily declared.

We waited to laugh until Aaron had left the room.

Other times, Aaron’s descriptions of family relationships can be suspicious.  This happened one recent evening as Aaron was trying to tell me something about Kyle.  You know…Kyle.  Aaron’s Grandbrother.

“Kyle,” Aaron said, “who lives with Andrea.  Dad said he’s the brother-in-law.”

“He is to you,” I replied.

“So Kyle,” Aaron continued, “Andrea’s father…..”

“No!” I interjected, “he’s her husband.”

“So Kyle,” he began again, “Andrea’s father-in-law….”

Please, if Aaron is ever trying to explain our family to you, come to us for clarification before you ever repeat what you think you have learned.

But Aaron’s new position as UNCLE Aaron has taken root in Aaron’s mind.  I’m still not sure he grasps exactly why he is the uncle, which is based on the fact that he is Andrea’s brother and as such then he is automatically the uncle of their soon-to-be born baby boy.  All of this gets pretty complicated to him.

Yet he has taken on the mantle of The Uncle as if it is his new designated title…something like The Duke or The Earl. 

Aaron is The Uncle.

Here is a typical conversation that Aaron might have with people.  Literally, with anyone he encounters, even strangers. 

“My sister is having a BABY!” he exuberantly declares.  “And I’m The UNCLE!!”

He makes this declaration loudly while bending over, rapidly rubbing his hands together, and grinning as broadly as he can possibly grin.

To say it’s surprising to all these random recipients is putting it mildly.  Yet it’s also endearing and precious.  Most folks respond with a huge smile and congratulations.  Bless them.

Time for me to insert a couple pictures taken last week when I was in Texas for Andrea’s baby shower.  😊

As you can see, the time is getting closer for Baby Boy to arrive.

And it seems that Aaron is getting a little nervous about what is expected from him in his new role as The Uncle.

“I’m not sure I want to be The Uncle,” he sometimes says.

“I’m scared to be The Uncle,” he has also said.

“I don’t know what to do as The Uncle,” he adds.

We assure him that being The Uncle simply means that his job will be to play with Baby Boy.  To love him.  To read to his nephew.

Oh wait.  We haven’t used that term yet…nephew.  Let’s not push these concepts too far.

After Andrea sent us her latest sonogram pictures, I shared them with Aaron.  He especially loved seeing Baby Boy’s foot…

And his hand.

Not long after, as we talked to our neighbor, Aaron remembered what he had seen.

“Andrea sent more pictures of the baby and I saw his hand and his foot!!” he very excitedly said.

“Oh Aaron,” Amanda replied.  “That’s so wonderful!”

“YES!!” he declared as he bent over and rubbed his own hands together.  “And now I’m HAPPY to be The UNCLE.”

There was that grin, huge and so cute!

Aaron will most assuredly have his fluctuations about all this business of his new title, The Uncle, being bestowed upon him.  As long as he continues to talk to us about his feelings then all should be well.

And most assuredly, he will continue to do just that.