Category: God’s Will

You Never Do That To Me!

One of Aaron’s biggest struggles is with jealousy.  And sadly, he is often the most jealous of the attention that we pay to our grandchildren.

Being Uncie Aaron is not always the joy to him that we hoped it would be.

On Saturday, Gary took Ryker for a ride around our yard on his riding lawn mower.   (No worries – the blades were up).  Sure enough, Aaron took note and soon said the all too familiar, “You never do that to me!”

So, Gary looked at Aaron and said, “Hop on!”

It was hilarious to look at Aaron sitting on Gary’s lap.  Aaron was really too big to fit and it was very awkward.  But good for Gary to give it a go!  And he could only go in reverse, which made it even funnier.  

How many times we have talked to Aaron about his place in our family as we assure him of our love!  

I was thinking about this as I continued my study in Nehemiah today.  Those that worked to restore the walls of Jerusalem, the temple, and the worship shared many various duties and positions.

Some were in high positions of leadership while others carried wood or cleaned up the many messes that were made.  Yet each person was appointed by God to the job he had for them.

Do you ever wonder about your place in life?  

Maybe you once held a position that is now gone.  

Or you never had a chance to prove that you could do what that other person is doing.  

Perhaps life has radically changed for you because of your health issues or age or finances or…you fill in the blank.

It’s so tempting to look at God and say, like Aaron, “God, you never do that for me!”

Comparison to others is the robber of joy.

Social media can be a real problem in this area.  I can be just fine and out of the blue see a post that makes me wish for something I don’t have.  

It can be any number of things, but the result is the same.

Ugly jealousy.

Discontent.

And if I don’t nip it in the bud, I might begin questioning God.

When we started our married life, Gary and I never dreamed that we would have a child with special needs.

Caregiving is not a life of leisure and does not allow for spontaneity in our lives.  Caring for Aaron is our life.  

We must consider him first in everything we do.

Your struggles are probably different from mine, but each of us do have those areas of raw questions that we may not share with anyone else but God.

Oh, but God!

He has given me that visual of Aaron riding on Gary’s lap to remind me that what I may desire is not His place for me.

I wouldn’t fit there.

God has put me here, where I am.  

If I don’t believe that then I am not living in obedience and trust to the God Who really does love me.

The God Who has put me in this place in His family for a specific reason.

So Lord, help me to get off that tractor where I sometimes want to be. 

Change my “You never do that to me!” to “Thank you for what you do FOR me in this place where you have put me!”

My Adornment

It was Christmas Eve morning, and I was preparing for a day full of cooking and family fun.  The day before, I had pulled off my plan for an “Aaron day” without a hitch.  I wanted him to have time doing what he loves before all the commotion of Christmas wreaked havoc with his routine and therefore with his behaviors.  Our son and his girlfriend, just in for the holiday, joined us at All Star Sports for some Aaron-style fun.  Afterwards, we ate at Old Chicago, a favorite of Aaron’s.  It was a great time!

But early the next morning I heard Aaron having a big seizure.  This was a bed wetting one.  So mixed in with my cooking and all the other Christmas prep, I found myself hauling loads of bedding to the laundry room.  My main emotion was sadness for Aaron that day as he had two more big seizures over the next several hours.  

Yet these moments also drive home to me the fact that caregiving is my life.  It’s a life I never envisioned for myself when I contemplated marriage and motherhood as a young starry-eyed woman.

Every mother lives a life of self-sacrifice in many ways but having a child with special needs of whatever kind increases that role in ways she never knew.  Any caregiving role is the same.

That is why I was so impacted by some verses I read one morning.  Paul was talking to Titus about practical ways that we as believers are to live out the gospel.  In chapter two of Titus, Paul gave instructions to older men and women as well as to the younger men.  

He ended that section by urging slaves to conduct their lives in a way that they would “…adorn the doctrine of God.”

In that culture, slaves were nothing.  They were the lowest of the low.  Yet Paul told Titus to encourage them to adorn the doctrine of God, the gospel.

This is a high calling for such a lowly people!

The word “adorn” carries the meaning of arranging jewels in a setting that displays their beauty.  

I love what John Stott said about these verses:  “…the gospel is a jewel, while a consistent Christian life is like the setting in which the gospel-jewel is displayed; it can add lustre to it.”  

Our human tendency is to equate importance with the “big things.”  Red carpets, book signings, conference speakers, a record contract.  

Not with wet bedding, doctor visits, behavior issues.  

Not with dementia, hospice, hospitals, infusions, cancer…

But the gospel shines brightest in the darkest places.  This is where God is especially honored and given great glory.

How?  By our faith being seen in our service to the ones we are caring for.  By yielding to God’s plan for our lives with trust and peace, even through tears or anger or resentment that inevitably comes at those vulnerable moments.  

It’s a matter of my heart, not my surroundings.  

“Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO YOUR WORK HEARTILY, AS FOR THE LORD RATHER THAN MEN.”   (Colossians 3:22-23)

Where do you find yourself today?  

Remember that the seemingly lowest place is the place of high calling in your life as a believer.  

Even if we feel like no one notices our service, God still urges us to shine with the beauty of the gospel.  God notices and that is all that really matters. 

 

Waiting Slow

This past Christmas, with all the craziness going on in our family surrounding our daughter and son-in-law’s move to our town, we had to delay our family Christmas until the middle of January.  When we told Aaron that we would be having Christmas in January, he replied in his matter-of-fact way.

“But we open presents on December 25th,” he stated.

“Well, yes, we usually do but this year no one will be here on that day,” I replied.

We had this conversation several times over the next few days.  Finally, we came to a compromise.  Aaron would open two presents on Christmas day and save the rest for our family celebration in January.  

Christmas morning (the REAL Christmas morning) came.  Aaron was very excited about opening his two gifts.  Gary and I were relishing our slow, relaxed morning.  However, Aaron was not on the same page as we were.

Finally, his patience was wearing thin.  He told me to get ready so he could open his two Christmas presents.  I told him to wait and not rush me.

“Mom!!” he said, “why do you want me to wait slow?!”

I’ve thought about his description of waiting slow.  I think we all have situations in life that seem like they’re dragging on forever.  Times that we seem stuck with no answers…no way out.

We wonder why God is silent…or at least He seems to be.  

“God, I’ve prayed and prayed about this.  Why do You want me to wait slow for Your answer?”

But sometimes the waiting slow IS God’s answer.  For in the place of waiting, God has so much to teach us.

The Apostle Paul knew this truth.  In his second letter to the Corinthian church, he told the believers there that he had been so burdened and afflicted that he despaired for his life.  He was beyond any remaining strength.  He felt the sentence of death within himself.

Why?  

Why would God allow such a faithful servant of Paul to endure this prolonged suffering?  Well, Paul tells us why.

“…so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God Who raises the dead…He on Whom we have set our hope.”   (II Corinthians 1:9-10)

When God puts His children in life’s waiting rooms, He has a good purpose in mind for us.  

It is in the waiting that we see our need for God.

It is in the waiting that we learn a deeper trust.

It is in the waiting that we learn to praise God despite our suffering.

And it is in the waiting that we learn where to place our hope.

I talked not long ago to a husband who is caring for his wife with Alzheimer’s.  They are far too young to be enduring this sadness.  Yet his attitude was one of surrender to God’s plan instead of what his plan had been for their retirement years.  He sees his care for her as the ministry that God has for him at this time in his life.  He has learned where to place his hope.

There is a dear family here whose husband/dad has been on the heart transplant list but since he has had some strokes, he is no longer eligible for transplant.  It was a gut punch.  But God did open the door for him to be transferred to the #1 rehab hospital in the country.  After being rejected by so many other rehab hospitals, God opened this one at just the right time.  His wife said, “I am thankful for the prayers that God chooses to answer differently from what I expect.  It’s just learning to continue to have the faith that He knows what He is doing.”  In waiting slow, she has learned a deeper trust.

The point is, when we are waiting slow it’s so important not to place our hope in whatever answer we want from God, but instead to place our hope in God Himself.  

He will do what is best, in His time.  We can trust Him to do that!

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord.”  (Psalm 27:14)

Remain With God

I’m sitting here tonight at my desk, feeling the weight of hurt that someone I love is enduring.  Yet knowing, too, that God is at work answering prayers that have been prayed for years. 

Sometimes God’s answers come with pain.  

Praying with that knowledge is an act of sacrifice.

I don’t like pain and hurt, and I especially don’t like to see those I love in that condition.

A few weeks ago, I drove to see a sweet friend for the day.  I shot this quick picture while I headed down the road.  

That cloud was both beautiful and intimidating.  Would it just stay a gorgeous cloud, or would it turn into a storm?  On I went on the road I needed to take.  Turns out there was a little thunder later but mostly I enjoyed a very pretty sky that God gave.

About this same time, I read I Corinthians 7.  Paul was encouraging people of various situations in life…wives, Jews, Gentiles, slaves.  He ended the section with these words:

“Brethren, each one is to remain with God in that condition in which he was called.”   (I Cor. 7:24)

Three words jumped out at me.  

Remain with God.

Whatever the condition to which we are called, we are to remain with God.

Sometimes…very often, actually…life’s situations to which God calls us are just plain hard.

Cancer.  Oh, the dear friends I have who are battling cancer.

Dementia.  Loss of a loved one.  Or caring for a loved one with a serious illness.

Parenting special needs of any age.

And this world.  This sad, scary, upended world.

But through it all, we are to remain with God.  

Like that road I was driving, straight with a curve up ahead and a big uncertain cloud, but on which I knew I must remain until I reached my destination.

Remain with God through the tears, the fears, the pain, the pressures.

Don’t give up on God.  Listen to what else Paul said about his own thorn in the flesh that God allowed him to have.

“And He has said to me, My grace is sufficient for you; for My power is made perfect in weakness.”   (II Cor. 12:9)

If I don’t remain with God, then I will not be able to partake of His amazing and sufficient grace, or to experience His awesome power in my life. 

Being under the hand of my loving Father is where I need to remain, regardless of the circumstances in which I find myself…or in which I find those that I love.

Remain with God.

There is no better place to be.

After The Storm

Two nights ago, I awoke to bright lightning flashing outside our window.  Then came the crashing thunder.  Two hours later, we had a repeat as another storm roared through.

A few hours later, the sun was shining as I looked out my favorite window.  The view was so beautiful.  The leaves on our huge oak tree looked crisp, the grass was so green, and the sky was beautiful with unthreatening clouds.

Even though the storms earlier were loud and a little scary, the benefits were well worth the dark experience of the night.  We need the rain.  And I was so blessed by the very pretty view that morning.

So often, the aftermath of a storm carries with it refreshment and joy.

The same is true in the life of a believer.

We don’t often understand this side of heaven just why we go through trials of life.  But what we do know and understand is this:

“…I am the Lord and there is no other, the One forming light and creating darkness, causing well-being and creating calamity; I am the Lord who does all these.”   (Isaiah 45:6-7)

These promises to Israel continue:

“For thus says the Lord, just as I brought all this great disaster on this people, so I am going to bring on them all the good that I am promising them.”   (Jeremiah 32:42)

The God of Old Testament Israel is our God today, and His character and purposes have not changed.  He has a reason for every circumstance and event in the life of those who know and follow Him.

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”   (Romans 8:28)

There is so much work that God wants to do in us.  Even Jesus learned obedience through the things which He suffered.  (Hebrews 5:8).  How much more do I need to learn the same?

Let me close with sharing one recent experience.  We were having a particularly rough behavior evening with Aaron.  We couldn’t understand why.  Then after supper, while I was at the kitchen sink and Aaron was a few feet away, he suddenly went into a seizure.  These drop seizures are both terrifying and dangerous.  He falls like a tree and has been injured several times over the years…staples, stitches, a lost tooth, CAT scans to check for concussions, and so forth.

Because I was so near and heard the seizure start, I was able to turn to him and grab him as I yelled for Gary.  I lowered Aaron to the ground as he fell while Gary ran in and was able to help.

Later, feeling depleted and very emotional, I sat in a chair near Aaron as he slept and recovered.  And I prayed.  I was able to practice what God has taught me over the years.

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.”   (Colossians 3:15)

I was able to be thankful…thankful that I was near Aaron when the seizure started…that Gary was able to help…that Aaron was not injured…and that later he was his happy self again.

Honestly, I don’t say, “I’m so happy that Aaron has seizures!”

No.  But I can, because of what I know about God, be thankful for both the ways that God takes care of Aaron and for all that God has taught me over the years as I have learned to completely trust Him with this son whom we love so much.

It’s like looking out that window after the storm and seeing that the storm has brought to me another layer of growth and beauty despite the fear and struggles.

I pray the same for each of you today as you gaze out the windows of your life at the works that God has done because of, and after, the storms.  

Photo Worthy

We just finished the Thanksgiving season with all the family gatherings, delicious food, and lots of photo opportunities.  Now the oranges and golds are being replaced by the reds and greens of Christmas.  More pictures to come, for sure!

Already our social media is brimming with the pictures that others are sharing of their Christmas decorations.  So much beauty and creativity!  I love doing that every year, sharing the warmth and glow of the season.

But the brightness all around us, even if we only see it in a photo, sure can make the other side of life seem even darker than usual.

Other’s picture-perfect moments, if compared to some of ours, seem off-the-chart wonderful…and ours.  Well, the line on our chart is going in the opposite direction.  Way down.

Several years ago, I saw this picture of Mary and Joseph after the birth of baby Jesus.  It’s probably the most accurate portrayal of the nativity that I have ever seen.

The call of God on their lives to be the earthly parents of Jesus came at a huge cost to them.  They knew that their reputations would forever be tarnished.  Gossip and judgmental stares would be their lot. 

But can you imagine the long trip to Bethlehem for the census?  The discomfort, hunger, dirt, and fear? 

Then the baby being born in an animal stable.  We don’t know for sure, but did they have help delivering baby Jesus?  How Mary must have wished for her mother to be beside her! 

Can you imagine how alone they must have felt?  No family that we know of to surround them with love and care.  No beautiful nursery ready for baby Jesus.  No comfort of a soft bed for Mary or Jesus.  No kitchen full of food, or a meal train at the ready.

Joseph and Mary submitted without reservation to God’s call on their lives.  That special call might seem sweet and incredible to us but to them I can pretty safely assume that on most days it was anything but that.

Over this past week, mixed in with all the beautiful pictures of family gatherings, I was receiving other pictures from our dear friends.

 Dan and Wendy have loved and cared for their Elijah (Speedy) for many years.  Speedy has an extremely severe form of Epilepsy.  He was hospitalized yet again during Thanksgiving, for six days.

Lots of tests.

Still, lots of unanswered questions.

Always, always there is so much love from these amazing parents for their Speedy.

But the pain…the grief…is so real. 

Raw…and deep.

Wendy and I talk a lot.  We speak the same language that comes from special needs parenting.  We can be real with each other.

We understand what Dale Davis was saying in his commentary on the book of Luke when he talked about the benediction in Hebrews 13:20-21…about the part that says may God “do in us what pleases Him.”

That part is scary because we don’t know what it is that will please God.

Can we be like Mary, though, and submit to God’s will for our lives?

“May it be done to me according to Your word,” Mary replied as she was called to be the mother of God’s Son.

“Submission is preferable to consolation, for consolation pleases us, but submission pleases God.”  (Thomas Hog, 1692)

Let that sink in.

There are so many times that I would far rather have the photo worthy moments of family and fun and excitement and adventure and beauty to be the posts of my life.

Not the incomplete family photos. 

Not the tiredness…anger…frustrations…comparisons…resentments that often accompany this special-needs life.

How about you?  What is it in your life that you feel isn’t photo worthy? 

What would you gladly trade in for a more beautiful shot?

Somehow, though, I know that God looks down on our broken and He sees the very people and things that bring Him the most glory and the most joy.

He sees way beyond this temporal into a plan for each life that goes far beyond what we will ever know on this old earth.

And that’s what is eternally photo worthy.

Planted For Purpose

I visited a local nursery a few months ago to buy vegetable plants for our garden.  I took Aaron with me, hoping that he would enjoy seeing the various goodies that we were going to plant in our garden.  But Aaron had eyes for one thing only – sunflowers!

“MOM!!” he exclaimed as I stood at the counter to pay, “can I get some sunflowers?” 

I turned to see him with the packet of sunflower seeds already in hand, so I agreed.  He watched carefully as the cashier scanned the small package, all the while talking excitedly to her about how we were going to grow SUNFLOWERS!!

We decided to plant the little seeds between our house and our neighbor’s house, near her raised garden beds.  This way, their children could also enjoy the sunflowers.  Amanda loved the idea, so one afternoon Gary dug the holes…I handed three seeds to Aaron to plant in each hole…and Aaron bent over to place them in the ground.  We covered them up and went about our day.

Aaron wanted those sunflowers to be growing the next day but growing takes time.  Growing takes lots of patience.  One day, though, we saw the tiny shoots emerging from the ground!  Aaron was SO excited!  Over the next weeks we watched each little bitty plant become more and more established.  They grew!

But not into the huge sunflowers that we have had in the past.  These seem to be smaller sunflowers, or maybe they are responding to the harsh heat and the dry weather we have had.

Then one day, Amanda texted me with some exciting news.  We had a bloom!  Later, Aaron and I walked out to the row of sunflowers and sure enough, there was one bloom.

I noticed something that day.  The pretty sunflower that had been the first to bloom was the smallest of the others in that row.  Its flower wasn’t large and impressive like ones you typically see in Kansas fields. 

Yet the happiness that our little blooming sunflower gave all of us was huge!

Sometimes I feel like my life is that of the small sunflower.  Others are living more impressive lives similar to the taller sunflowers that stood on each side of our shorter plant…lives, quite honestly, that I thought I might have.

But God has taken that measly sunflower that bloomed first and has used it to reinforce a lesson I know well in my head but don’t often practice in my heart.

Yesterday God gave me a verse that says it perfectly, as only God can:

        “The Lord has made everything for its own purpose…” (Proverbs 16:4)

God has planted me where I am for a purpose.

And more importantly, God has planted Aaron in my life for a purpose as well. 

If I believe in God’s sovereignty…and I do…then I must also believe that every area of my life is sovereignly planned with purpose by Him.

My idea of great purpose is usually not God’s idea.

Yet God’s idea is always best and right.  Not always easy or even fulfilling on many days…but always best.

I can live a life that shines for God as I care for Aaron, or I can live a stunted life of anger and questions and comparisons to others.

I can see Aaron as a weight that keeps me down, or I can see Aaron as a means of experiencing God’s joy.

I can bloom or I can wither.

And here’s the catch.  Often no one…NO one…sees my bloom.  I feel like my life has no purpose.

But God clearly says that He has made everything for its own purpose.

I am to bloom brightly for Him, not so that my bloom will necessarily be seen and admired by others but so that I will grow in grace and be more like Christ.

So, little sunflower, I am thankful that you were planted where you were.  I’m thankful for yet another lesson that God planted in my heart using the least of these.

May I live a faithful life no matter how small I think it might be.

Impossibilities

We had some very pretty clouds one recent morning that I enjoyed as I looked out my favorite upstairs window.  I sat at my desk having my quiet time as my eyes kept glancing out at the ever-changing sky.  Suddenly there was brightness as the sun began to shine.  I quickly snapped this picture before the moment passed.

One fact that I have observed over my years of sky watching is that when the sun shines on storm clouds, the clouds become more beautiful.  The sun sharpens the contrasts between the clouds and the rest of the sky, and between the clouds and the ground.  The true beauty of those storm clouds is fully shown when the sun shines.

I have just finished studying the book of Ruth.  This familiar story is one that we love to tell.  It’s a favorite for children’s Sunday school classes.  It’s so familiar to us and so easily compressed into a 30 minute lesson that we often don’t stop to really consider what God did with Naomi and Ruth.

What especially spoke to me this morning was how Naomi found herself in an impossibly difficult and hopeless situation in a foreign land.  She was an Israelite in Moab.  Her husband and two sons had died.  She was left destitute with no means of support.

We all know the story.  Her daughter-in-law, Ruth, stayed with her and together they traveled back to the land of Israel.  Ruth asked permission to go gather grain and by God’s providence she ended up in the field of Boaz.  He was the kinsman-redeemer, unknown to Ruth, and they ended up getting married.  To that union God gave them baby Obed, grandfather of King David and ancestor of Jesus Himself.

OK.  It’s a wrap.  We’ll have a new story next week, children.

But wait!  Stop!

Just think of how the providence of God is all over this story.

When we let God’s light shine on this story then we can see the deep storms surrounding Naomi and Ruth.  Their situation was truly hopeless.

But God’s light also reveals the beauty of those storms because it was in those hopeless moments that God’s plan was so amazingly revealed. 

Do you find yourself in a scary and desperate place? 

Do your walls seem impossible to climb?

Do your clouds look dark and foreboding?

Do you think of your future needs…or your needs today…and wonder how on earth things will work out?

All I know is that God wants to shine.  He wants to show me how He works in the darkness of the storm.

But it’s how HE works that I need to stop and see.

And God doesn’t need my help.

He needs me to trust.

The God of Naomi and Ruth is my God, too.  He has a plan for me that He will accomplish every bit as much as He did for them. 

Hopelessness is the best venue in which we can see God shine. 

And as God shines, that storm will prove to be a place of beauty…the beauty of knowing my heavenly Father better and seeing that His plan in this place is truly full of His providence and purpose. 

Yesterday’s Leading

Aaron doesn’t always like to be awakened from his sleep, either in the morning or after an afternoon nap.  Yet when it’s time to get out of bed, it’s time to get out of bed!  And I am often met with his anger during those times. 

One day not long ago he wanted to take a nap.  I asked him if he would get out of bed when I told him it was time.  He promised that he would.  I know Aaron, so I gave him the mom look as we stood there. 

“Mom!” he asked, “do you trust my promise?”

I was honest with him and told him that sometimes he had a hard time keeping his promises when it came to getting out of bed. 

Aaron’s question is one that I feel God is often asking me.

Sometimes the prayers I prayed in the past and the way that God answered leads to a place that is far from perfect.

If my trust is on my circumstances instead of on my heavenly Father, then I will most certainly begin to doubt His leading.

I know better than to live that way.  I know the verses and I know the principles, but life’s realities sure can cloud that knowledge and turn it quickly into doubt and defeat.

God’s promises are not negated because of my feelings.

But my peace can be destroyed because of my feelings.

The trust I had in His leading yesterday is the same trust I need to have in Him when the path He led me to is not necessarily fun and joyful all the time.

Job felt abandoned by God as he endured horrific testing…testing that took place even as Job lived faithfully for God. 

Job expressed his thoughts very honestly in Job 23.  He said that he went forward, and God was not there.  He went backward and did not perceive God.  God did not seem to reveal Himself to Job on the right or on the left. 

BUT!!!

        “BUT He knows the way I take,” Job said.  (Job 23:10)

Ah!  The important thing for me to know is that GOD knows the way I take.  Job was walking God’s path, treasuring God’s words, keeping God’s ways…and still lived with very hard situations in his life.

God knows my path, too…and yours.  As you follow Him and ask for His guidance, then trust Him to do the best in your life.

Yet sometimes the best is tough.

“I’m living my BEST life!” we hear people say.

But then the pictures are usually beautiful and fun and happy.

Mine don’t always look like that.

“Patty?” God says, “do you trust My promise?”

“Yes,” I answer, “but why did You lead me here and now look at how it’s turned out?”

“Because I love you,” God answers.  “I know what’s best for you.”

“I do believe that, of course,” I reply, “but…

“But DO you trust Me?” God asks again.

And I come full circle once again, forced to make a conscious decision about God…to firmly believe that He performs what is appointed for me, as Job said.

“Do you trust my promise?” God repeats.

“I do,” I reply, sometimes through tears, “because I trust YOU.”

Yesterday’s leading is still today’s place for me. 

And that’s because of God…only God.

Remind Me That I Love You

Mornings for Aaron are definitely the time of day that he struggles the most.  It can really be hard for him to get out of his warm bed and face the day.  Not every morning is difficult, but let’s just say that for Aaron the majority of mornings do not have a right side of the bed.  Both sides are wrong!

Aaron realizes this about himself.  Therefore, sometimes he will tell me to give him a morning reminder that will hopefully help him to be cheerful.  The reminders are about something that the day will hold…something that he is looking forward to and so will encourage him to get up happily. 

For instance, he loves going to Meals on Wheels on Thursday mornings but sometimes he knows on Wednesday night that he may be grouchy the next day.

“Mom,” he says, “tomorrow morning if I don’t want to get out of bed just say Buster.’’

Buster is the little dog at one of our homes that Aaron loves to see and to pet.  And Buster loves seeing Aaron. 

Or on Valentine’s Day, when we were going to pick up roses to take to his day group friends, he knew the night before that he might be irritated about getting up.

“Mom,” he told me, “if I start getting mad in the morning just say roses.”

I love Aaron’s plan of action.  I know he truly does want to be nice in the mornings.  Sometimes his plan works, and well, other times it doesn’t.

One recent evening we were watching a favorite show.  Aaron was all comfy and relaxed on the couch, legs covered in his ever-present blanket, and enjoying a yummy snack.  He was the picture of contentment.

Such was not the case hours earlier as we worked to get Aaron out of bed and on his way for the day.  That morning he was the picture of frustration and anger.

As we sat on the couch enjoying our program, Aaron was filled with happiness.  He finally looked over at me.

“I love you, Mom,” he said.

The moment was genuine and so sweet.

“I love you too, Aaron,” I replied. 

Then he seemed to remember our unhappy morning.

“Tell me I said that in the morning when you’re getting me up,” he added.

His words were a stop-me-in-my-tracks moment.

How many times in my life have I been filled with contentment as things are going well?  Then it’s easy to tell God that I love Him.  And I mean it when I say those words to Him. 

But sometimes the bottom falls out. 

Gary and I had been married for five years before Aaron was born.  That positive pregnancy test was SO huge to us!  How thankful we were!  How full of love for God and His sweet blessing in our lives!

Now here we are, 37 years later, in a place we never dreamed we would be with Aaron. 

Seizures.  Autism.  Behaviors. 

Can I still lift my eyes to God and tell Him that I love Him?

Those warm fuzzy ecstatic moments of my first pregnancy are long gone. 

In their place are many moments of worry, sadness, frustration, and bone-wearying exhaustion.

But here’s the thing.  I know God in a deeply personal way. 

And I know that often His ways in my life are filled with heartache and pain so that I will grow to be more like Jesus.

God hasn’t changed one little bit.

But He calls me to change, and His word tells me that this change toward likeness in Christ will involve the hard things. 

Sometimes I have to will myself to remember all the reasons I have told God that I love Him.

And those reasons cannot be based on my circumstances that are happy and fun.

The reasons I love God are based on WHO He is…His character and His attributes.

I cannot base my love for God on how comfortable I am.

So, like Aaron, there are times in my life when I need to look at God and ask Him to remind me that I said I love Him.

Through my tears, fears, anger, hurt…through all the questions I have about God’s reasons and logic in my life…I must not lose my love for God.

Oh God, tomorrow…when things aren’t going too well, and I feel upset…remind me that I said I love You. 

Remind me that You are the same yesterday, today, and forever.

And remind me of how very much You love me, too.