Category: Forgiveness

A Sometimes Wonderful World

Aaron was with me all day on Monday because he had a doctor appointment in the morning.  Afterwards, we swung by the eye doctor to have his glasses adjusted; went to Taco Bell for lunch, which was the real reason that Aaron was happy to be with me; and then to Wal-Mart, his second real reason for being happy.  I experienced quite a few autism moments, too many to remember them all……for after all, Aaron’s whole being is influenced by autism.  So is mine.

There was the ride in the van across town, and Aaron’s excitement about listening to the CD he had chosen.  Pop Memories of the 60’s was quickly inserted in the player, and then Aaron’s instruction as he held his hand up, palm facing outward:  “Don’t talk.  I want to listen to the music.” 

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The number 1 showed on the CD player, so Aaron reached down to quickly pick up the CD holder and announce in his monotone voice, “Stevie Wonder.”  He bent over again to place the CD holder back where it had been.  The song began and Aaron said, “Mom, do you like Stevie Wonder?”

Notice who’s doing all the talking.

So we listened to “My Cherie Amour” as memories of high school flooded by brain.  But I didn’t share that with Aaron because I wasn’t supposed to talk. 

Then number 2 came on the player, so Aaron bent back over to pick up the CD holder.  “Kenny Rogers and The First Edition,” he again announced.  And back down went the CD holder.

Number 3:  Pick up holder…….“Tom Jones,” Aaron flatly said…….replace holder. 

Number 4:  Pick up holder…….. “Mama Cass,” was announced……replace holder.

You get the idea.  All across town, and back across town, he never tired.  Oh, and there was this one.

Number 10:  Pick up holder……. “Lois Armstrong,” he said as sounds of “Hello, Dolly!” filled the van. 

“Ummmm, Aaron, that would be Louis.  Louis Armstrong.”

“Don’t talk, Mom!  I want to listen to the music,” said guess who?

This doctor visit was to the psychiatrist who oversees his autism care.  Oh, could I fill her ears full!  I refrained somewhat, but Aaron didn’t.  He stretched himself out on her small couch right away, uninvited to do so, legs hanging out over the end, and proceeded to talk about Mom’s upcoming trip to Houston……his upcoming trip to NC with Mom and Dad……his new Superman set of movies that we let him have for the NC trip……and Ultraman.  Among other things. 

Later, at the eye doctor, he was rather impatient as we waited.  Doctors and glasses adjustments are such a bother, especially with Taco Bell just around the corner!  Then in walked a nun, dressed in her full habit from head to toe.  I hoped that if I began tickling Aaron’s back, he would keep looking down and not see her.  Aaron is fascinated with nuns and with their unusual clothing, so I wasn’t sure what he would say.  Too bad we didn’t have a CD playing so maybe, just maybe, he would be quiet.  He did look up and he did see her, of course, standing right there at the front desk.  But as she walked into the bathroom, out of earshot, all he said was, “Mom, she’s wearing a hood!  She must work for the church.” 

I was pretty relieved when she was called back immediately.  I had no idea what to expect with both of them sitting in the waiting room together, and it wasn’t her I was worried about.

Aaron loved lunch, of course, even amid my reminders about not whistling as we waited for our food or making various other unusual noises.  And then before we ever stood up to leave came my reminder to him about stretching.  Aaron makes quite a production of stretching when we get up to leave a restaurant, his back arched and his stomach stuck out and his amazing stretching noise.  So I’ve learned to remind him before we even stand up that he is not supposed to stretch, which I did there in Taco Bell.  He stood up, though, and did a suppressed stretch……what you might call an abridged stretch……which on Aaron still looked amazing and drew attention, I’m sure.  I’ve learned not to look at the people sitting nearby.  He just looked a little like he was puffing up and about to implode, right there near the drink machine.  Nice.

And then he saw it……the quarter that someone had dropped on the floor directly in front of the register.  He has such hawk eyes for things on the ground, unless it’s his dirty clothes in his room or his mounds of books on the floor.  I tried to stop him but it was too late.  He bent over clumsily and picked up the quarter, while the line watched him and I just stood there.  It was quite a sight, Aaron doing the old man bend.  The employee told Aaron to keep the quarter, which he gleefully pocketed, oblivious to the scene he had just created. 

Dear Aaron!  He is so unaware of how funny and unusual he is, or of how he comes across.  These autism moments, I call them, come in many various forms.  And yesterday at his day group, they weren’t so funny.  The not so funny autism moments cause anxiety and frustration for many other reasons.  He wasn’t so happy to go to Paradigm yesterday, but he went.  He ended up in tears for part of the morning, and then in the afternoon he was almost manic in his fake laughter and his “teasing.”  He calls it teasing, even though we all remind him over and over that if he’s the only one laughing……and others are hurt or angry…….it’s not teasing.

Aaron thinks it’s funny to say things to people like, “You’re fat!  You’re dumb!  You’re old!”  Or many other things as well, most of which are not funny at all.  He truly can’t seem to permanently connect what is correct to say from what he impulsively wants…..and does…..sometimes say.  This is especially true when he is frustrated about something.  Instead of addressing the issue of his frustration, he will verbally harass others, and then often regret it later.  And he does it under the guise of “teasing.”

He has a special friend who is all bent over in a wheelchair.  He has shown so much kindness to her.  I wrote once about how he waited on her at the end of the line as they walked to Quik Trip so that he could walk with her.  He loves giving her things or helping her eat.  But yesterday on the way home from Paradigm he said, “Mom, I told S that she’s ugly.  I was just teasing!” 

I was so hurt for S and I was so disappointed in Aaron.  I told him that S is a young woman who would love to be able to get up from that wheelchair, go shopping for pretty clothes and make-up, and get her hair and nails done.  I told him that she would love to go to bed at night thinking about how Aaron had told her that her hair was pretty, or that she had a pretty smile.  Instead she would go to bed that night thinking of how Aaron had said she was ugly……and she probably feels ugly every day. 

Aaron listened.  He talked about it last night at supper with Gary.  I have to say that it was hard for me to say the words I said to Aaron.  Part of me wanted to just assure him that I was sure S knew he was teasing……that it was OK, but he should do better……or that we all understood what he really meant.  But I knew that I needed to let Aaron know of the hurt he had inflicted, while it also hurt me to say the hard words to Aaron without backing down. 

Aaron had a small seizure at 5:30 this morning, but it was enough for him to wake up later with a bad headache and with bleary eyes.  I let him stay home today.  Later in the morning, he went with me to run a few errands.  On the drive back home, out of the blue, Aaron remembered.

“Mom?” he asked.  “Can we stop at Dillon’s so that I can get S a sorry card?”

My heart was so touched, and so thankful.  Aaron does know right from wrong.  He does feel bad when he’s been hurtful, even though it’s after the fact. 

So I told him that I had some cards at home.  Right after we ate lunch, before he took a nap, I got out my card box and found him a card that he liked.  It was blank inside, but not for long.  Short and sweet, he simply wrote these words, with her name underneath.

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I hope that he has learned a lesson, one that will stick and not be forgotten during his next crazy mood swing or unhappy moment. 

The last song on the 60’s CD was another one by “Lois” Armstrong – “What a Wonderful World.”  I want Aaron’s world to be wonderful, but I want him to also understand that he can quickly ruin the wonderful world of others by his words and actions. 

Likewise, he can make it right with things like his “sorry card,” and with an attempt to watch his words and his teasing.  Our job is to instruct, to understand, to be patient, to forgive…….and to be thankful for the wonderful world we share with Aaron, even on the rough days, always hoping that the rough days will be fewer and the wonderful days more frequent.     

Now, don’t talk!  Let’s listen to the music. 

Sing it, Lois!

The Coupon Box

One of Aaron’s Sunday routines is to clip the coupons that are almost always in the Sunday morning newspaper.  I’ve blogged before about his coupon cutting process.  Believe me, it’s just that……a process.  A precise process that he is 100% convinced only he can do.  I, especially, have no business cutting out coupons because I am a dismal failure at that task.  Those are Aaron’s thoughts, not mine.  Aaron cuts as closely on the dotted line as he possibly can.  He then takes any little strips of paper that are left over and he clips them over a certain trash can, snipping each strip into tiny pieces and watching them fall down to join the other tiny pieces that fill the tiny snipped pieces trash can.  It’s an art.  Other odd sized pieces of left over coupon paper fill another trash can.  The finished coupon sheets of paper, full of gaps where once were coupons, are placed neatly in a stack to Aaron’s left side.  And the finished coupons are placed in precise order in the coupon box with the red lid.  It truly is fascinating to watch him cut coupons. 

Sometimes I don’t get the coupon box with the red lid emptied and sorted before the next round of coupons appear the following Sunday.  Such was the case a few weeks ago.  Aaron had completed his coupon cutting set-up in the family room.  His three cups of coffee were waiting for him on the bench beside where he sits on the floor, along with his pillow that he sits on, his scissors, his two trash cans, and the television turned to The Animal Planet.  He came to retrieve the coupon box with the red lid, opened it, and found last week’s coupons still inside.  So without further ado, he promptly dumped the week old coupons onto the table and turned to walk into the family room and complete his coupon cutting mission.

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“Wait,” I said.  “Can’t you still keep the old coupons in the box?”

“No,” he simply answered. 

“Because you can’t mix them up, right?” I asked, knowing full well the answer.

“Yeah,” he again simply answered as he sat on his pillow and started his mission.

Yeah is right.  Aaron can’t stand to mix the old coupons with the new coupons.  He does it on occasion, but not often.  So he clipped that day’s coupons and later I found the coupon box with the red lid on the kitchen table…..every coupon placed in just the right place and in the right order.  Aaron’s way, which to him is the only right way.

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Aaron’s life, and living with Aaron, is so much like his coupon clipping process.  He wants everything in its place…….the details of his life in a certain order.  This goes here…..that goes there…..and if I’m done with it or it’s old or messed up, out of place or frustrating, I just dump it and we start over.  Neat and tidy, with Aaron in control of the set-up and the tools and the timing and the process.  Except life’s not like that, not for Aaron and not for any of us.  You and I can adapt to these changes for the most part pretty easily, but not so Aaron.  Even the simplest change, the most minute little snag in an otherwise orderly process, can easily put Aaron over the edge.

Gary and I just returned from a short trip to Topeka, where we watched Andrew work on his NHRA race team.  Aaron knew that his two caregivers were coming to take care of him.  He was excited for us to leave, as he always is, because our leaving means more eating out and more movies and hopefully less bossiness from those in charge and more of him pulling the wool over unsuspecting eyes…..so he hopes. 

“I can’t wait for you to leave!” he said on Thursday as I was getting ready to go.  “NO parents!!” he added as he rubbed his hands together and laughed loudly.  He is at least very honest.

“What time are you leaving?” he asked, though he had been told how many times before? 

“We’re leaving at 3:00,” I answered.

“Can’t you leave early?” he asked.  “Like 2:59?”

He was completely serious about that.  So I smiled when I hugged him goodbye later, and told him that it was 2:52.  He just nodded his head and went on his way, and I stifled my laughter until Gary and I drove down the road.

Aaron calls repeatedly while Gary and I are away from home.  Every day, several times a day, he calls.  So much for his “NO parents!” comment!   Therefore, it was no surprise on Monday morning when he called, and also no surprise to me that he was most unhappy.  After his busy weekend, and after NO parents, he was ready to settle into his normal……but not ready to go to his day group.  He wanted to stay at home, which is common for him, and he wanted to be there when we arrived.  I always question what to do in that case.  Let him just stay home…..but is that giving in?  Make him go…..and maybe pay the consequences of that decision.  Mainly, his caregiver and day group have to pay the price of Aaron’s grouchiness.

As Aaron and I talked on the phone and he finally agreed, unhappily, to go to Paradigm, he asked me if I would pick him up early at the end of the day.  I said that I would. 

“Mom!” he said.  “I mean to pick me up before 4:00.  I want you to pick me up at 3:59!”

Again, he was entirely serious.  “3:59?” I asked him.

“Yes!” he answered.  “Don’t wait until 4:00!  Will you pick me up at 3:59?” 

So I agreed to pick him up at 3:59 and he went reluctantly to Paradigm.  However, he had a miserable day.  The other clients had a miserable day.  The staff had a miserable day.  Thankfully they are so understanding and forgiving.

It was around 1:30 when my phone rang.  I heard Aaron on the other end, voice thick with tears.  I’ve lived this scene so many times that I didn’t even need to hear what Aaron had to say. 

“Mom,” he started……and I just told him that I was coming to get him. 

“No!” he said strongly.  “I want you to come at 3:59!!”

“But Aaron,” I countered.  “You’re very upset now so let me come and pick you up.”

“No!!” he forcefully repeated.  “I want you to come at 3:59!!”

He handed the phone to Barb, and she said that he was very firm about me coming at 3:59, but then for some reason he changed his mind and said that I could come on to get him. 

A short time later, he and I sat in Freddy’s.  I figured a Freddy’s burger and fries would be the best medicine for him.  He was relaxed and very happy as he ate his burger, but his eyes were still red and bleary from all the tears.  As I asked him why he was so upset that day, he couldn’t tell me why.  I kind of know why, but he really has a very hard time verbalizing outwardly what goes on inwardly in his mind and emotions.

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So many diseases or syndromes show up in a person’s bloodwork when it’s tested, but what Aaron is missing doesn’t show up firmly in lab work or on a piece of paper.  The connections in our brains that allow us to process and filter our environment, and our responses to life’s occurrences in our environment, are missing in Aaron’s brain.  He cannot just simply deal with issues like I can.  So he reacts, often in great frustration, and getting to the root of that frustration and his reaction to it is what we continually try to do. 

However, we are often very frustrated ourselves……frustrated by Aaron’s behaviors and his reactions and all that goes along with it……that it’s hard to pause, take a breath, and try to figure it out ourselves before we can even begin to help Aaron figure it out.  Add to that our embarrassment at times……our tiredness…….our feelings of failure or ineptness…..and it’s like my box of coupons.

I just want to dump the whole thing and start over!!

Start over with an empty box……new coupons…..all in precise order!

But life’s not like my coupon box with the red lid.  I can’t just dump days or events out on the table, and arrange the new day the way I want.  And neither can Aaron.

But we can start each day with a clean slate, and try again.  We can build on the old experiences and the lessons they taught us.  Clipping here……cutting there…..arranging our thoughts and our responses in the right way.  We do it through prayer, through seeking God’s wisdom, and through loving each other through not only the good, but also the bad and the ugly.  And we have plenty of those last two, believe me. 

And through always keeping in mind that Aaron’s most impacting special need is the one we can’t see in that amazing brain of his.  We don’t understand how he thinks at times, or how he acts, but we do understand that he really wants to do better and that the frustrations for him are far greater than any that we as his parents and caregivers will ever feel.    

There’s one more thing about starting each day anew.  God has promised that His mercies are new every morning.  They’re not based on yesterday and on yesterday’s failures.  His mercies are new and fresh every morning, as is His longsuffering and forgiveness and kindness.

Can I be any less for Aaron? 

I don’t think so.  And I can put that promise on the very top of my daily coupon box.

A Nightmare and a Flower

3:30 a.m.  I heard Aaron stirring, then walking up the hall to the bathroom.  He closed the bathroom door with a thump because he never, ever closes doors quietly.  Soon the bathroom door opened, but instead of walking back up the hall to his room I heard our bedroom door open.

“Mom?” Aaron said in as much of a whisper as he can ever muster.  Whispering seems to be a lost art with him. 

“Mom?” he repeated.  I answered him and he continued.

“Can you come to my room?  I need to talk to you about something.”

So I followed Aaron to his bedroom, where he wanted to turn on the light so that he could talk better. 

“Mom.  I had a nightmare.  I dreamed that you and dad made me go live in a support home because I was mean.” 

So that would explain what I had heard him speaking in his sleep earlier……something about wondering if someone would come up to his room to see him.  We talked about his nightmare, as he called it.  He has such a fear of ever having to leave our home.  No matter how we approach that subject it never goes over well.  But we hadn’t talked about it at all the night before, or even at all recently, so I don’t know where the dream came from.  But it greatly bothered Aaron, enough for him to call it a nightmare. 

We talked for a few minutes and I assured him that everything was fine, and not to worry about us making him move because he was mean.  But it is important not to be mean, I had to add.  And with that I made sure he was all the way in his bed, said goodnight, and turned off his light.

He was up before 8:00.  He walked into the kitchen looking a little worse for wear.

“Mom,” he immediately said.  “I don’t feel good.  My head hurts.  I feel weak.”

I tried to encourage him, but finally he brought up the real issue of the nightmare.  He decided that this awful experience should earn him a day off from Paradigm, but he saw right away that I disagreed.  I exuded cheerful optimism, which he tired hard to override with his dreary post-nightmare pessimism.  We were in that familiar tug-of-war. 

A shower and three cups of coffee helped a little, but Aaron had decided that he was not going to Paradigm.  I always leave the final choice up to him, but he knows the consequences of not going.  I told him that we would run down to get him a haircut, which he loves, but after the haircut he was still pretty firm about staying home.

I agreed to take him home and then told him that I was running my errands.  After that, I said, I would be busy all day getting ready to leave tomorrow on an out-of-town trip for Gary and me.  By the time we pulled into our driveway, he was happier and I was on the phone.  He opened his door and in a flash, my door opened and there stood Aaron……holding something for me.

“Here, Mom!” he tried to whisper.  “I picked you this flower.  I picked it because I love you and I’m going to Paradigm.”

Then he handed me the flower, bent over to lean in the van, and gave me a HUG!!

You could have blown me away!!  Kind of like the little seed pods on the flower he gave me.  You see, his “flower” was this:

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But he was as proud of this old dandelion as he would have been if he was holding a dozen roses.  And trust me, I was too!  This bent over, half bald seeded dandelion was what Aaron saw first and so pluck it he did……for Mom!

After I got off the quick phone call, I thanked and thanked Aaron for the flower.  He just beamed.  He got his glasses and his watch and his wallet, and off we went to Paradigm.  I think his morning there was a little tricky, but the rest of the day seemed to go well. 

It’s a good thing I don’t have allergies, because I’ve kept my special flower in the kitchen all day.  It’s nothing spectacular, but it’s the best Aaron had.  It would have been understandable for me to not want this sad sample of a flower.  To maybe throw it away when Aaron wasn’t at home. 

But I keep thinking about how the best Aaron had to give me was…..well…..not what we would call great, but it was from his heart and that makes it totally awesome.  That’s so often what Aaron does and is, all through the days of his life.  We may not get exemplary behavior every day…..we may not see stellar progress on most days…..we may not even take the time to notice how hard he tries on other days.

But for Aaron, it’s there.  His attempts to fit in, to express himself, to understand this world we live in with him, are there.  Some days the best we get is for him to ask if I’m happy that he didn’t make “farting noises” with his mouth in the store, but he made “meow” noises instead.   Or that he didn’t clap SUPER loud or clap too AWFULLY many times.  Or that he didn’t get 10 toothpicks at the welcome counter at the restaurant…..only 4! 

He so wants us to be proud of him.  He so wants to conquer his inability to communicate what’s really on his mind…..what’s really bothering him……what’s in that heart of his.  But it’s just so nearly impossible sometimes for him to do that……to talk like you and I do.  He might react, like he did this morning.  He might hit or slam a door or be defiant.  But I’m convinced that part of the frustration that Aaron feels is not that he’s mad at the situation….he’s mad at how very hard it is for him to identify and express to us just what he’s mad about. 

So whatever he is able to share, we must take it gladly and try to understand.  We must grasp what he hands us and take care to handle it well.  Just like my dandelion flower.  Would I have chosen it?  No.  But Aaron did, and with it he showed me his love.  To me that gangly old dandelion is beautiful.  It represents Aaron’s heart. 

I hope that when he sees it sitting on the table, or maybe later in a vase, he’ll know that Mom not only loved his gift……he’ll know that Mom loves HIM. 

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The Wonder of Me…..And Aaron…..And Lots of Things

I went to pick Aaron up at his day group on Thursday afternoon. I waited in the van for a couple minutes, then saw Barb coming toward me. I knew before I really knew that this probably wasn’t going to be good news. I was right. She told me that Aaron was inside after having a very rough afternoon and that he was refusing to come outside. I went in and we found Aaron laying on one of the couches, crying and very upset. After some time, and moving to a new couch where he laid down again, he told the story of how he had acted……which often starts with him thinking he’s teasing but turns ugly pretty quickly. One thing led to another and the situation became something it never needed to be.

How we wish that Aaron understood that his idea of teasing is often anything but. How we wish he could control himself when he is being redirected. All the talking and lectures and therapy in the world doesn’t seem to sink in. Maybe a little, but not as much as needed. He just doesn’t connect actions and repercussions like you and I do. Reading about the autistic brain……writing about the autistic brain…….saying that I understand the autistic brain as much as I can…….often doesn’t mean as much as it should when I’m staring at my belligerent son, hearing of his actions and trying to control my own embarrassment and anger.

Aaron is often immensely funny, but Aaron is also sometimes immensely frustrating. Thursday fell into the last category.

Aaron is seeing a family therapist every two weeks. This is a new thing for him. I had high hopes that as much as he loves to talk, he would really take to this and love talking to her. It hasn’t quite worked out that way. If she just let him talk about his things, like aliens and movies and games and eating out, then he would probably look forward to it. But he realizes that she wants to talk about his issues……how he’s doing at Paradigm and at home with relationships and anger and attitudes. To Aaron, this is uncomfortable and a waste of time, so he hasn’t been enjoying their sessions like I had hoped.

This past Tuesday she gave him a paper on which she had drawn a large stoplight. The green light means that he is doing good, so keep going. The yellow light means that he is starting to feel some frustration, so he needs to be cautious. The red light means that he is having a meltdown full of anger. At the end of the day, he is to mark what kind of day he has had…..green, yellow, or red.

Aaron didn’t want to take the paper home from her office. Then he told me several times that he thought the paper was stupid. I left it alone on Tuesday night, but on Wednesday night I told him before bed that it was time to mark his stop light with what kind of day he had. I felt like Wednesday had been a green day, so I thought he would be happy to mark the green light. But when I told him to get his paper and mark it, he crossed his arms and told me that he had hidden the paper.

Oh boy.

After some talking, he finally got down on his hands and knees, and pulled the paper out from under his bed. He rolled his eyes as he put a mark on the green light, the mark I thought would make him happy. Then he picked up the paper and as we stood there talking before saying good night, he crumpled that paper some in his hand. He was simmering, I knew it.

So after his meltdown Thursday at Paradigm, and a rather rough evening at home during Skip-Bo as I tried to talk to him, he went upstairs at my direction and brought down the stop light paper so that he could mark it. I knew that he needed to put a mark on the red light, and he knew that, too.

He came down to the kitchen table with his paper, and this was what he laid on the table.

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Well, so much for that idea. How many times I say that when we try something new with Aaron!

So often it’s back to square one with Aaron. We rarely feel like we pass go and collect our $200.00. I know there are times in his life when he needs to pull back and reboot, so on Friday I let him stay at home. He went grocery shopping with me, helping me at the store and helping me carry in the groceries at home. We went to see Jungle Book, run more errands, and get him a sub for supper. We watched a little TV in the evening. It was a pleasant, fun day for both of us.

Aaron found an Elvis CD that he wanted when we were shopping together at the first of the week. He’s been completely fascinated with the songs and with Elvis all week as we’ve listened to the CD while driving. He’s been hilarious with some of the things that he has said about Elvis, like how his voice is “jiggly” and his dancing is “rowdy.”

So on Thursday, meltdown day, Aaron turned on the Elvis CD in the van. The second song that played just left me pretty stunned and with a huge lump in my throat. “The Wonder of You.” Look at the lyrics for the first part of this song:

When no one else can understand me.

              When everything I do is wrong.

              You give me hope and consolation,

              You give me strength to carry on.

 

              And you’re always there to lend a hand

              In everything I do.

              That’s the wonder, the wonder of you.

 

Aaron has decided that he loves this song. It’s uncanny. This song that speaks volumes to me about what kind of mother I need to be with Aaron has become a very special song to him as well. It’s not for the reasons that it’s meaningful to me, either, because I’ve had him tell me why he likes it so much. But he’s played it over and over since Thursday. We even listened to it with Gary at supper last night.

I really do want to be this kind of mother in Aaron’s life. Sometimes he’s certainly hard to understand and he does a lot wrong, but I pray that I will give him hope and consolation, strength and a helping hand.

Honestly, many times, I don’t feel like I’m a wonder. I feel more like I’m left wondering…..wondering what to do, wondering what’s going on, wondering how I can stay calm…..

I could go on for a long time about some of the ways that I wonder.

But Aaron needs me to be there for him despite the wondering and the frustrations, the tiredness and the seeming dead ends that we end up taking. He’s taking a nap right now and just had a seizure. He needs me physically, too.

But he needs me the most when, like the first part of the song says, no one else understands him and everything he does is wrong. I know he’s frustrated by those times more than we are.

All moms can relate to what I am saying, and especially moms of special needs kids and adults understand it all too well.

Aaron will probably never look at me and say, “Wow, Mom! You’ve meant so much to me. You’re a wonder!”

Just reading that makes me laugh. I’d faint if he said that and probably get hurt, so it’s just as well that he doesn’t say it, right?

But I will keep striving to BE that in Aaron’s life…..pick him up, understand as best I can, hold his hand (figuratively speaking, because he doesn’t hold hands much ), and give him strength and consolation.

But trust me, I know me, and I know that at the end of some of our days I’ll still be saying, “Yes, I’m a wonder! I’m a-wondering how on earth we both made it to the end of this day alive and in one piece!!”

And tomorrow’s a new day!

             

Still Our Sweetie Poo

I got one of those phone calls yesterday that I don’t like to receive.  It was Barb, from Paradigm, trying to tell me about an incident with Aaron.  It was hard to hear her, though, because she put it on speaker and I could hear Aaron in the background.  He was yelling as he tried to explain his story, and he was crying, and no one had to tell me that he had just had a meltdown.  My heart sank.  It’s been awhile since we’ve seen this with Aaron.  I felt drained when I got off the phone, and I wasn’t even there when Aaron lost it.  It’s just very discouraging to feel like things are going along so well, and then BAM, he hits that wall again. 

In his frustration, he broke his watch and he broke his brand new two day old glasses.  This is very typical of Aaron when he gets that upset.  He will break something that’s important to him, and then afterwards he’s just eaten up with remorse.  The remorse comes from all of his behaviors when he loses his temper, but he knows that breaking things comes with repercussions.  He won’t get a new watch right away.  He didn’t know if his new glasses could be fixed. 
 

The repercussions with people’s hearts is an area that he is not quiet adept at understanding.  He’s doing better with empathy as he’s gotten older, but he is usually very narcissistic and only thinks of himself when he is in a rage.  I guess many of us are that way when our emotions take control, but Aaron is often that way even when he is even keeled.  Thinking of others and what they are feeling has been long in coming for Aaron’s autistic mind.  He’s getting there, very slowly, sometimes more than others.  For instance, not long ago he found out that Andrea had a migraine.  The day that she and I were talking on the phone and she mentioned it, Aaron was frustrated that our phone call was taking my time away from him.  I chided him when I got off the phone about how uncaring he seemed.   The next day when she called, he said to me, “Tell Andrea I cared for her migraine!”  He was very pleased with himself that he cared, because even he knows how hard it is for him to feel that emotion, and because he felt guilty that he had not felt it at first for his sister.

He came home yesterday, face and eyes all red from crying.  He told me what had happened, so we discussed it as much as I felt that he could handle.  He lets me know when he has had enough.  Barb and I talked privately when Aaron was up in his room, and Melinda and I texted.  I felt like I had a good grasp of what had happened, although part of it was still fuzzy.  That’s why I tried to talk to Aaron again after Wheel of Fortune was over, but he did not want to talk about it further.  The book was closed, in his mind. 

I was almost asleep last night, at 11:30, when I heard our monitor on the nightstand beeping.  It meant that Aaron had turned his unit off in his room.  And it wasn’t long before our bedroom door opened and Aaron strode in to tell me that he had turned his monitor off and he had no intention of turning it back on.  There!

“Oh boy,” I thought.  “Here we go.”

Aaron has these residual effects from his behaviors…..effects that show up hours after the incident is over and hours after we have talked about it.  I followed him to his room, noticing his agitation.  He turned and told me that I was mean, that Dad was nicer, etc., etc.  I knew that my second conversation with Aaron was the cause of this, but I couldn’t take it back.  He thought I didn’t believe his version of the story….that I would make him leave Paradigm……and on and on.  And he assured me once again that he was NOT turning on his monitor.  That was the biggest sign of his rebellion that he could come up with at the moment. 

I left his room frustrated, and Aaron was frustrated, and the monitor stayed off all night.  This morning, I left Aaron alone when he got up.  Even when he stood staring at me silently, I did not speak to him.  I poured his coffee and carried it upstairs.  I got myself ready and I opened my bedroom door, and finally he walked in and told me that he was not going to Paradigm today.  I knew that was coming, so I asked him if he would go on Monday and he gave an exuberant yes. 

So many of my decisions at these times are uncertain.  Is it right to not make him go today to his group?  Do I still get him his Friday goody bag?   Was this outburst because of his new seizure drug….the one that can cause anger?  Do I take him off this drug?  Or do I wait awhile longer to give it more time? 

Well, I didn’t make Aaron go to Paradigm.  I know this is his typical response to such stressful situations, and I know that he does need time to emotionally recover and to sort it all out in his head.  His big, impulsive hug for me later showed me how thankful he was that I let him have some time and space today.  I still don’t know about the new seizure drug and what to do there, but I think I’ll give it some more time.  I think.  I did not get him his Friday goody bag.  He hasn’t even asked about it because he knows that he really messed up.  My mother heart wants to take care of him…..to blame the autism….to quote the professionals about his emotional deficits.  But I know he also needs consequences, and so the goody bag will not happen today.

I did take his glasses to the optometry shop.  “Wow!” the technician said.  “He sure did a number on them.”  I didn’t have Aaron with me because I wanted to explain what had happened, but not in front of Aaron. 

“Yes,” I agreed.  And I wanted to add, “You should see the number he’s done on my heart, and on the hearts of others.”  But of course I didn’t say that. 

By some miracle, the young man brought Aaron’s glasses back to me later, all fixed and ready for Aaron to wear again.  I wish it would be as easy to fix the situation of yesterday, but that will take more time. 

Later, Aaron and I took Jackson for a walk around our neighborhood circle.  It’s a beautiful day, perfect for a walk.  When we got home, Aaron quickly grabbed his mulch bucket and situated himself out in the flower bed for some mulch time.  He stayed there for nearly an hour, relaxing and sorting out his thoughts with each little piece of mulch that he broke.  It’s time that he needed…..quiet, peaceful, reflective time for him. 
 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if mulch would cure autism?  Or if mulch time would give me all the patience and wisdom that I need?  I would say, “Scoot over, Aaron!  Make room for me!  Will you share your bucket?”

I know every parent of autistic children can understand how helpless I sometimes feel.  How embarrassed at my son’s behavior.  How frustrated and then sad at his response. 

Then I think of Barb, who loves Aaron and who said, “Tomorrow’s a new day.  We’ll just put this behind us and go forward.”

And Melinda, who also loves Aaron, and who said, “Aaron informed me that I am NOT his sweetie poo anymore!  Well, he is still my sweetie poo.”

That makes me smile, and it makes me thankful for those that work with Aaron and love him even on the bad days.

We will, and we do, move forward.  Today Aaron said, “Mom, I’ll turn my monitor on tonight.”  It’s his way of telling me that he’s better now, and that he is ok with me…..mean old Mom of last night. 

Yep, it’s a new day and we will go forward.  And I just hope Aaron knows how many people cared for him when he messed up.

He’s still our sweetie poo!

 

 

Lessons From the Fire Ants


We just returned from a trip to Houston to see our daughter, Andrea, with a side trip to Dallas to see our son, Andrew, in an NHRA race there.   Oh, and I mustn’t forget to mention that we also enjoyed seeing our Granddogs, Darcy and Oakley.  Hey, it’s the closest I have to grandkids right now, so humor me.  In fact, the story I’m about to share involves these cute little doggies, in a way.

On our first evening there we headed right away to the dog park with Andrea so that Darcy and Oakley could have some outdoor play time before the park closed for the night.  Darcy and Oakley ran and jumped and rolled, and spent lots of time romping and splashing in the water.  They were so much fun to watch.  Soon we meandered off the gravel path and stood in the cool thick grass, talking to another dog owner and enjoying the happy dogs.  I had worn sandals instead of tennis shoes, and the grass felt damp and pleasant on my feet in the humid air.

 

As we stood there talking, I noticed a faint stinging on my feet……especially my left foot.  I moved my foot a little, but the stinging persisted.  I thought that this grass must be pricklier than it seemed at first.  Before long, the stinging was increasing.  I again wondered why, but couldn’t see a reason as I looked down at my foot buried in the thick grass.  Finally, I was uncomfortable enough to raise my left foot up out of the grass……..and to my surprise, I saw tiny little ants crawling all over my foot.  The same was true of my right foot, though not as many ants had found their way to that side.
Fire ants!  The stinging wasn’t coming from irritating grass, but from tiny fire ants.  I shook as many off as I could, and then went to the path, where I took my sandals off and continued to brush little ants off as quickly as I could.  They were between my toes, going up my legs, and caught in the folds and crevices of my sandals, as well.  Yuck!!!  When I was convinced that I had rid my feet and sandals of these attackers, I put my sandals back on and we continued to walk around the park.  Yet every now and then I would feel another sting, and would look down to find one miniature ant still on my foot.
It was hard to believe that those sharp stings could come from such little creatures, but those tiny guys can pack a wallop.  I hadn’t been stung by fire ants since we lived in southern Alabama, when Gary was in flight school at Fort Rucker, over 30 years ago.   It was a memory I was wishing not to re-live.  However, soon the stinging sensation was gone, and other than a very few little dots on my feet, I was none the worse for the experience.
Or so I thought……and hoped.  Over the next few days, my foot has increasingly shown the effects of those small prickly bites.  The little dots on my feet have turned into larger and larger bumps.  They sometimes itch.  They sometimes sting.  And they look very large and ugly today…….like pimples on my feet and even between my toes.  I just thought I was escaping that experience largely unscathed, but not so.  I am reminded of those fire ants and their damage, both in the discomfort I feel and the unpleasant sight I see every time I look down at my feet.
Isn’t this just how sin is in our lives?  We set out on a path that is safe and protected as we follow God and obey His commands.  Soon, though, it’s so easy to veer off that path into a life that isn’t what He desires.  It feels good, though, just like that cool grass felt good to my feet.  What could be so wrong about this little diversion?  Isn’t everyone else doing this?  Come on!  Lighten up!  Don’t be so serious and intolerant.
Then we feel the first little sting, but we ignore it.  A few more stings…..and maybe we look around a little to see what’s causing that feeling, but we choose to disregard it.  Nothing appears very alarming, anyway.  Over time, though, the little stings become increasingly painful and more of our life is affected by the discomfort caused by our decisions.  And hopefully, we run……we run away as fast as we can from our sin.  We change our direction, we confess to the Lord our wrong, and we set out on the right path once more.
Yet sadly, even though we are forgiven, we often will bear the consequences of our sin……sometimes for the rest of our lives.  At first it may not seem like our sin is any big deal, but it is.  Like Moses told the people of Israel in Numbers 32:23, “Be sure your sin will find you out.”  In other words, you will suffer for your sin.  Sorry.  I didn’t say that.  God did.  The longer we stand in that grass and let the ants crawl on us, the more we will bear the results of our choices.  Days, months, even years later, the choices we made yesterday can……and often do……greatly affect us and those we love.
Thank God for His grace, and His redemption, and His forgiveness.  Thank God that He doesn’t hold our sin over our heads and beat us up with it every day.  Thank God for His love, and for His patience in directing us back to the right path.
Yet what if I hadn’t gone off into the grass in the beginning?  What if I had worn the right shoes?  What if I had run away quickly when I felt the first sting?  Then today I wouldn’t be looking down at these painful, ugly bumps on my feet.  My story today would have been very different……much less harmful to me, for sure.
Don’t veer off God’s path for your life by walking into what feels good and looks great.  Don’t be wearing the wrong shoes.  Flee temptation, as Paul said to do.  Put on your running shoes!  Don’t linger in sin, enjoying the moment until they become many moments.  Don’t ignore God’s conviction in your heart.  Don’t let the stings of long-term sin leave you with irreparable damage.  God will forgive, but He won’t necessarily take away the natural consequences of our willful actions.
Painful lessons.  May we all use wisdom in where we walk.

Lessons From the Icicles

 

It’s been another very mild and very dry winter here in Kansas.  It’s felt and even looked more like spring than winter this year.  While it’s been nice not to find ourselves maneuvering over slick roads, we do need some moisture.  And boy, did we get it!  A huge storm plowed into Kansas this week, leaving us in our part of the state with at least 14 inches of beautiful snow.  We woke up to a world of glimmer as the sun shone brightly on the newly fallen snow.  The ground is encased in a sparkly white wrap, fresh and mostly untouched in our big back yard. 
 
I also noticed another result of our massive snow storm as I looked out of our upstairs windows.  There hang long rows of icicles.  They have their own unique beauty, all clear and shiny like hanging crystals.  No two seem to be the same shape as the once dripping water has frozen into various forms and sizes.  Icicles are fascinating to observe and can be very pretty when the sun is shining on them, causing them to gleam in the light.  But icicles also have another aspect.  They can be sharp and dangerous as well. 
  
This morning I saw that the icicles hanging on the front of our house were starting to drip.  They were melting because they were facing east, where the morning sun was beating down upon them.  There was not a cloud in the sky and even though the temperature was cold, the warmth of the sun was still able to reach into their icy coverings and begin the melting process. 
Soon I walked into another bedroom on the west side of our house, where the sun was not yet reaching.  There hung another long row of icicles, still firm and cold in the shadow of the morning.  The sun had not yet touched these frozen fingers of ice, so they were still solid and stiff.  They didn’t really even appear as shiny and beautiful as the icicles that were being touched by the sun.  These hanging jabs of ice seemed colder, even more harsh, than the icicles in the front that were warming in the sun.
 
These icicles reminded me of some of the lingering results of personal storms in my  life…….especially times that have involved the hurt inflicted by others.  I imagine that you have had those hurts as well.  We all experience that pain at some point in our lives.  If we’re not careful, those wounds can develop into icy slivers of bitterness in our hearts.  Where there was once the flowing warmth of relationship there is now the frozen stab of disappointment that has pierced our heart.  Sometimes the situation is private and no one knows about it but us.  Other times the hurt is very public and embarrassing, misunderstood and whispered about by others.  The results are the same, though.  The pain created by these wounds is still very intense regardless of how they occur.
 
Solomon wrote about these matters.  In Proverbs 14:10 he said, “The heart knows its own bitterness…..”  No one but us knows what is in our hearts.  We may appear to be fine and normal to others, but those icy shards of bitterness have frozen our hearts.  We dwell on the situation and rehash the hurtful words and scenarios over and over again.  Our heart knows its bitterness, so very well, and we become numb in our pain……….and numb to the other Person who also knows what is in our heart.  God knows…..and He does care very much about that chill that has encased us and frozen us. 
 
In Ephesians 4:31-32, there are several sins that God tells us to put away.  The first one listed is bitterness.  Then God says to “……be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other…..”  So how can I be kind and tender and forgiving to those that have hurt me so deeply?  How can my heart be warmed again when it is so frozen with injustice and pain?   Well, it’s not easy, but God tells us here that the first way to start is to remember that we are to forgive “……..just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”     How can I be unforgiving when I have been SO forgiven by God?  I am forgiven……..and I must be forgiving to others. 
 
When I take this first step and realize my position in Christ, then His light will begin to thaw that immobile, cold heart of mine.  Forgiveness here carries the idea of releasing.  I need to constantly release to God the people and the situations that have so chilled my heart.  Let Him bear my pain and let Him warm my cold heart.  And if those people are still present in my life, then I am to show kindness and tenderness.  Look for ways to serve, to be kind, and to be tender hearted……..not hard hearted with a frozen heart but to be tender and loving.  It’s not easy, but God will enable and give grace to do what is the most difficult. 
 
Soon l will hear a dripping noise and realize that my once solid, icy heart is thawing out under the warmth of God’s love and His enabling.  He won’t force me to allow His light to shine in my inner being, but if I open that door and allow Him in, then the melting will begin.  Slowly but surely the damaging icicles will dissolve as I focus, not on the other person or on the pain that they have caused, but as I focus on the light of God’s forgiveness and love in my once cold heart.

 

 
Shine Your light in my heart, O God, and let the melting begin!

Forgiveness

This morning did not go as I had planned.  Maybe it’s because I feel so tired.  I haven’t slept well for several nights and don’t know why.  We all do that at times.  And you know how those long nights are, when every little issue in life is magnified.  Nothing is horribly wrong, but even my to-do list seems overwhelming at one in the morning!  But all of this is an excuse, really, and I know it.

Aaron had a dental appointment this morning.  I looked forward to this being a morning of Aaron being in a compliant, happy mood because he would be looking forward to lunch and maybe a Wal-Mart trip.  Instead, I found Aaron down on my computer, looking up cheat codes for a game.  I fussed at him and he got off, but came up to my room wanting to know if I would print off some cheat codes for him.  He was carrying a large sheaf of stapled-together codes that he said a staff member at Paradigm had printed off for him.  It was very large – the number on the last sheet was 77!  And Aaron wanted me to print it off again………at least that’s what he said……….and so began the very frustrating process of trying to figure out the why and the what of Aaron’s request.

Aaron couldn’t explain to me exactly what it was he wanted me to print, even as I explained to him that I was not printing 77 pages – that he already had!  He began to escalate, and then hit my dresser with his fist as he walked out.  Thus ensued the fight – not physically, but verbally.  I was trying to understand what he wanted and at the same time calm him down, all the while feeling my tiredness and my exasperation mounting.  Soon I was yelling……..and Aaron was yelling……..and I yelled louder………and Aaron responded likewise.  It was a lose-lose situation all the way around.  I backed off and walked away, taking a few minutes to calm down and then approaching Aaron again as he headed toward my room.  We came to an agreement……….more of a stalemate……..and soon left for the dentist.  Both of us were quiet and rather depleted.  And I was feeling very guilty.

Aaron waited for me in the van as I put something in the mailbox, picked up the newspaper, and got the empty trash cans ready to roll back to the house.  I took a step or two and then saw it……….a weed growing up between a crack in our driveway.  What would have been an ugly weed, except for one thing.  Growing on that weed were such delicate little violet blooms that I had to stop in my tracks and stare down at it.  Those little blooms transformed that otherwise annoying weed into a soft spot of beauty on our driveway.  Instantly my heart was pricked.  My behavior with Aaron not an hour earlier was ugly and hateful.  I let my tiredness and my selfishness call the shots instead of letting the Holy Spirit empower me to respond to Aaron with love and kindness.

Out of my nasty behavior, I needed something soft and pretty to grow……..something that only Christ could enable to bloom.  Forgiveness.  In particular, to BE forgiven by Aaron.  I’ve read and studied a lot about forgiveness over the past few years.  In fact, I just listened to some on-line lessons last week on this very subject.  I know quite a bit about the anatomy of extending forgiveness and being forgiven.  Could I practice this today?  With my child?  With Aaron?

I know that asking for true forgiveness means naming the sin you have committed, without making excuses for your behavior, and asking to be forgiven.  As Aaron and I ate lunch, I waited for him to pause in his monologue of the moment and then I said, “Aaron, I’m very sorry that I got so angry this morning.  I’m sorry I yelled and acted hateful to you.”   Aaron looked at me, gave a little grunt, and stuffed more pizza into his mouth.  I continued, “So Aaron, will you forgive me?”  Another grunt.  And I repeated, “Will you forgive me?”  And he said, “Yeah.  Hey, did you know that I woke up at 8:33 but I stayed in bed, and then got up at 9:04?”

I chuckled.  This is as good as it will get with Aaron in the forgiveness department.  Oh, he heard me loud and clear………..and he registered every word that I said.  He may still call me weird, as he did earlier…….or maybe not.  He knows, though, that I am sorry.  He knows that I love him.  He knows that I am human……..and weird sometimes.

And I know that a little flower began to bloom in my guilt-ridden heart.  For I had also asked God to forgive me and He did more than grunt.  He has given me assurances all over His Word that He is there, waiting with open arms to forgive………..and to forget!  I can’t forget my behavior, but I pray that I will once again learn from my failure and grow in this issue of forgiveness.   Grow and bloom………beauty from ashes, God says.

Just like my little driveway weed.

Throw ON the Towel!

Here we go again.  I heard it from upstairs…….the sound of the plastic containers full of coffee hitting the floor and then the thump.  My heart sank as I hurried downstairs to check on Aaron.  He was fine, although sprawled on the floor with spilled coffee all around him.   He jerked and dropped his coffee yet again………lukewarm coffee, thankfully.  And thankfully he didn’t throw his coffee containers as he has been known to do when he’s in a rage. This was a true accident, but messy and discouraging none the less.

I was frustrated with Aaron this morning over a couple things already and this didn’t help, believe me.  My compassion for him still hasn’t quite kicked in yet.  He has cleaned up and showered, and seems to be fine.  I hope he’s not bruised.

I just stood and looked at this mess………coffee all over the floor, the cabinets, on and under the frig.  UGH!  And I thought of how many times I’ve just felt like throwing in the towel.  We all do, don’t we, whether we are parents or not.  But we can’t quit.  God doesn’t and we can’t.  Especially as parents……….these children are given to us by God and He wants us to hang in there despite how tough it sometimes is.

So instead of throwing IN the towel, we throw ON a towel.  We clean the messes up step by step, bit by bit. We’ll see progress one day, even if it’s slow to come…………even when we just stand there and don’t know where to start.  God gives patience; and God gives us the same grace toward our children or others that He has extended to us.  We clean up the messes, whatever they may be, and we push forward.

The rest of the day is before us.  It’s up to me now not to mess up my reactions and my attitudes.  I’ll need to grab another towel if I’m not careful!

Count Your………Our………..MY Blessings!

It’s been one of those mornings.  You know……..one of THOSE mornings.  I went to bed bothered by worrisome issues that I should not go to bed being bothered by……….those worrisome issues.  Can’t end that sentence in a preposition.  🙂    I went to my new location in Andrea’s old room that I’ve set up for myself……..a new desk and an alone place to have my quiet time.  The new location didn’t seem to help.  I felt stifled and ineffective in my time with the Lord this morning.  Distracted…….and thinking that I needed to dodge my prayers that were bouncing off the ceiling, going no where.  Is Satan unhappy about my desire for a more intimate time with the Lord?  Perhaps.

Later, I looked at the weather forecast and the upcoming week of temps above 100 and no rain only increased my weariness.  Our scratchy dog with allergies; laundry waiting to be washed or put away; dishes to take care of; even a Supreme Court ruling and an election in Egypt that I don’t agree with were piling up in my mind.  Talk about taking on the cares of the world.  Come on, Patty.  This is really ridiculous!

After my shower, I heard good old Aaron in the hall.  “Mom?”  I told him that I would be out in a minute.  I could tell that I would have very little patience with him today………shame on me.  He thumped downstairs to take his pills and thumped back up to see if we could now talk.  I again told him to wait……….and when I did open my door, he was in his room and promptly told me to come look at his finger.  He held it up for me as I walked in, and there it was………….his index finger, all wrapped up in a bloody band-aid.

My patience was even less now.  “Mom, last night I had some loose skin and so I used my knife to cut it off.” Oh Aaron.  We’ve heard this story before and I knew what was coming………..and it did.   He wanted to know if he should have used his little pocket knife to cut off the skin; why not?; what would I use?; that he couldn’t help it that the knife slipped, etc., and etc.  I removed the band-aid and saw the raw wound where he had cut or pulled off his loose skin.  I could feel my irritation increasing.  I told him to go shower…………his whole body, by the way, not just his finger!  I know how he thinks.

Aaron showered and then came to my bathroom, where I further cleaned and medicated and dressed his wound.  He could sense my mood and so he scurried on downstairs, deciding to get his own coffee and carry it to his room himself without bothering his moody mom.  Soon I heard, “Mom, I spilled some coffee but I’ll clean it up.”  Oh goodness, Aaron!  Where did you spill coffee?  “On the stairs.  I’ll clean it up!”  No, Aaron…….I’ll get it.  All the while, I was muttering under my breath about how this is the last thing I needed and why did he have to carry the coffee up himself when he’s so shaky and of all mornings…………

Then I saw the spill, which looked more like a gushing of coffee.  It was splattered on several stairs, but one stair in particular was soaked with coffee.  Oh Aaron!  Look at this mess!  Next I saw coffee on the living room floor, so got the Swiffer and mopped that section.  I headed for the soppy stairs, with Aaron saying, “I’ll clean it up, Mom!”  But I grabbed towels and began the clean-up, while Aaron then said, “Here, I’ll help.”  He proceeded to carry a wad of paper towels from the kitchen into the living room and instead of heading for the stairs where I was, he started wiping off the piano.  WHAT??!!  Sure enough, some coffee had splattered onto the piano and Aaron was working to clean up the brown spots…………….while he stood on the still-wet floor.  I went from unhappy to unhappier, all the while muttering about how my nerves couldn’t take much more and of all mornings and please, Aaron, don’t talk right now………..

I continued my shallow thinking as I realized that I would indeed have a bad hair day, no matter what I did to try to improve the mess on my head.  The clothes I chose to wear today didn’t help any, nor did the sandals.  No time to change all that now.  Of all days for me to have a doctor appointment, I moaned to myself.  Little annoyances for the remainder of the morning reminded me of my misery.  Aaron and I hurried out the door, stopping at the grocery store on our way to meet his group.  I had promised him a Cheddar Pasta Salad to take to his group.  Of all mornings to need to leave early, I grumbled.

At the deli counter, as we waited to be served, Aaron began to notice all the dishes.  He leaned over and oohed and aahed over the Deviled Egg Potato Salad, The Layered Salad, the Fruit Salad, the German sandwiches, the Spaghetti Salad…………and his joy over simple food began to silence my distasteful attitude.  He had moved beyond spilled coffee, bad hair, wounded finger, scratchy dog, and hot temps.  He noticed the good things before him.  As we walked out with not only his Cheddar Pasta Salad, but also a bottle of flavored water and some Skittles, he chattered happily about anything and everything.  If I wasn’t listening, I would have missed his observation that the entrance sidewalk at the Warren Theater is, in his words, “…….twinkle stone.  Does it have jewelry in it, Mom?”

I had to pause in my heart and smile.  As we drove to meet his group, I told him that I was sorry about my attitude that morning.  He didn’t say a word, but I  know he filed that apology in his mind.  I needed to say it and he needed to hear it from his grouchy mother this morning.  Later, at Sassy Nails, I sat across from a stranger – another mom – while our toes dried.  We talked and she shared how her sister had died of cancer, and how through it all she had blessings to be thankful for.  This woman, this mom, this sister, had no idea about how much I needed to hear those words.  How easy it is to let the slight troubles of my life ruin my disposition and take my mind off the Lord!

So I have counted my blessings for the rest of the day:
1.  The spilled coffee matches the carpet, especially in the dim light.
2.  A coffee smell on the stairs beats a dog smell any day.
3.  The living room needed to be mopped anyway.
4.  My new pink toes hopefully took the doctor’s eyes away from my bad hair.
5.  I do have hair.
6.  It may be 107 degrees outside, but we have working AC inside.
7.  It may be 107 degrees outside, but I don’t have to be outside working.
8.  It may be 107 degrees outside, but we have water for our thirsty garden.
9.  Our neighbors have to  move for various hard reasons, and the man taking pics of their house this morning wasn’t taking pics of our house.
10.  I have a faithful God; loving husband and children; and Aaron to remind me of what’s important.

And I have forgiveness – God’s forgiveness – and even Aaron’s forgiveness……..unspoken but there none the less.