Category: Family

Much To Them

Some time ago I was fixing Rice Krispie Treats.  Aaron stood and watched for a minute, and then asked if he could eat some marshmallows.  Since I have never been a big fan of eating marshmallows that aren’t in Rice Krispie treats or in my holiday fruit salad, I told him that I wasn’t sure if he would like them, either.  He wondered why.

“Well, they’re mostly puffed sugar,” I told him. “There isn’t much to them.”

“There’s much to them to me!” he answered in no uncertain terms.  

Aaron didn’t realize it, but he had perfectly described how he runs his life.  What would probably seem superfluous to us is not viewed that way at all by Aaron.  Let me give some examples of what is important to Aaron in his autistic world.  Not just important, but absolutely necessary.

Aaron set the table one Christmas.  Look at his multiple forks and spoons.  At least he arranged them neatly.  He always requires several forks, spoons, and sometimes knives, no matter what he is eating.  There’s much to them to Aaron!

There is also much to the number of plates and bowls Aaron wants when he eats.  I’m so thankful for my dishwasher!

When Aaron “goes to bed” at night he reads, listens to music, works on his sticker book, and sometimes plays a game.  He starts this routine early.  A big element of his bedtime is to arrange special items on his bed in just the perfect spots and order.  This includes a stack of greeting cards that he has saved over the years, a cat book that he isn’t reading but that he must have on his bed, his back scratcher, and various items.  I just shake my head but there is much to them to Aaron!

Aaron was eating a bag of popcorn the other day.  Look at the bag and you will understand why Aaron kept telling us, “I love ridiculously cheesy popcorn!”  Or “Tomorrow I want to buy more of that ridiculously cheesy popcorn.”  And “I seem to like this ridiculously cheesy popcorn.”  What seemed ridiculous to us meant much to Aaron.  What’s printed on the bag is part of the name, people!  We just smiled.

Yet there are times when the things that mean much to Aaron can cause great frustration and anger when they don’t work out as he expects.  One of the biggest issues for him is when his schedule is disrupted.  Whatever…or whoever…causes the disruption is often the object of Aaron’s deep frustration.  His tongue can be hurtful, and his anger can be deep when things don’t go his way.  We work on that all the time and praise him when he handles change well, like he did at Christmas.

It’s easy to get very frustrated with Aaron when he won’t budge out of his routine…won’t quit talking about the same topic of interest over and over and over…runs out to our neighbors when they’re taking a walk so he can talk to THEM about said topic…won’t wait patiently for hardly anything…and so many other issues.

Autism is so complex, and everyone is different.  Yet every single autistic person has those tightly held focuses that are “much to them,” and they are not going to let go of those things.  

It’s best to try to understand that fact and then work with them with as much love and understanding as you can muster.  

I know from many years of experience with Aaron that it isn’t always easy, but it’s always best to attempt to approach issues from his viewpoint to better understand why on earth he’s reacting the way he is.  

And always, eventually…when the dust settles…to show him by my words and actions that he matters.

To show him that his unique ways are worth my time…that “there’s much to them to me.”

And therefore, Aaron, “there’s much to YOU to me!”

Big News and A Fun Fall

Time for another update!  First, the big news…news that some of you know and some don’t, so I get the joy of sharing it again.

Our daughter, Andrea, came over one day with a gift bag for us.  I was puzzled as I took out this framed picture.

Puzzlement turned to pure joy as we realized what it meant.  As Aaron says, “We’re going to have another baby!!”  We’re so happy and so thankful for God’s great blessing.  

Then several weeks later, another surprise.  We were given a pumpkin and inside…well, see for yourself.

Now Aaron tells everyone, “We’re having another baby.  My sister is having a GIRL!!  I’m scared to have a GIRL!!”  🙂 

We’ve been having a beautiful fall.  We got to introduce Ryker to the fun of jumping in leaves. 

Then Aaron wanted to lead us on a walk around our neighborhood pond.  It was really a precious time of Ryker happily following Aaron, and Aaron turning around to keep an eye on Ryker. 

 Ryker now says Aaron’s name fully and clearly.  He absolutely loves his fun Uncle Aaron.  And Aaron is responding with more interactions and smiles.  We do not take this for granted.  All of us are so very happy and thankful for the loving progress that has been made.  

Another very fun event was taking Ryker trick-or-treating in our neighborhood.  We didn’t know if he would wear his outfit, but he did, and he loved every minute of it.  Of course, this Gramoo was smiling from ear to ear at our adorable little cow!

But another precious part of the evening was that Aaron really wanted to go along.  He wore his Pharaoh costume from two years ago and was as eager as a young child.  

I wondered if anyone would question it when they saw a bearded, balding man at their door.  Thankfully, everyone was kind as could be and Aaron had so much fun. He and Ryker going trick-or-treating together was just another very sweet time.  

Aaron turned 40 this month!  He doesn’t see the significance of that at all.  It’s neat that age doesn’t mean a thing to him.  He doesn’t focus on the fact that he’s the oldest in our family and he doesn’t compare himself to his siblings in the sense of life events or accomplishments.  That’s a real blessing indeed.

I have mentioned thankfulness in this blog several times.  We truly are thankful for every blessing, for every step of progress with Aaron, and even for the steps backward that are an inevitable part of Aaron’s life.  

We are forever grateful for the love of family and for the joy of time together. Thankful, too, for friends like many of you who love and pray for us. 

 And for the certainty that God will guide us in each day and year ahead.

No Water! No Deal!

Wednesday morning seemed just like any other morning until my husband stepped out onto our back patio and discovered water bubbling up into our back yard and between our bricks on the walkway.  Oh boy!

Gary was able to cut the water off at the meter and line up a plumbing company.  They came, did a lot of looking and some digging and some poking and some figuring.  Then we did some questioning and some signing and some down payment paying…only to be told that they couldn’t get to the job until the following Tuesday.  What?!  

That’s a LONG time without water!

So, we did some calling and some discussing and some cancelling and some finding of new plumbers.  

We also did some filling of large water containers that Gary wisely has had on hand for just such emergencies, turning on the water just long enough to get the job done.

The new plumbers came the next day and got right to work.  They worked late, digging and examining in a trench that starts in our back yard, wraps around the side of our house, and ends near the street in our front yard.

There were bumps along the way, like damaging a sewer line that thankfully was an easy repair but meant no flushing all day Friday.  TMI, I know, but I’m just being real.  And it was getting real bad!  

Location services had to come out more than once to correct mistakes they made in locating the cable and other lines.  That’s comforting, right?

The workers were so nice and a pleasure to have around.  They worked very late Friday night and were able to get our water back on!  You can guess the first thing I did.  Actually, it was the first three things I did…flush our three toilets!!  And clean like a mad woman!

The plumbers were coming back on Saturday to hopefully finish the job, but heavy rains during the night and all day Saturday put a stop to that.  Now the trench is full of water and the continuing rains leave us unsure of when the work will be completed.

But we have water!!  And more importantly, Kansas has gotten some MUCH needed rain.  We are not complaining!

As this all progressed, we were concerned about how Aaron would handle it.  Having no water is a huge deal, and huge deals are often a no-deal to Aaron.  He surprised us, though, with how well he did.  He was intrigued with the digging and getting to see the pipes under the ground.  The workers were so kind to him.  They got a kick out of his excitement.  The supervisor even saved the ruptured piece of pipe to show it to Aaron and explain what had happened.  

But by Friday morning Aaron was close to being done with all the no water business.  I knew we were near a boiling point with him when he told me that he was NOT letting me have any of his Halloween candy like he had promised the night before.  

And to finalize his decision, he added:  “I am NOT making a deal with you, MOM!!”

Imagine my surprise when later he walked in the room and laid this on the desk in front of me.  

He chuckled and rubbed his hands together.  

“We don’t need a deal,” he said.  

“You want me to have this?” I asked.

“Yes!” he answered.  “Eat it!” 

He understood when I told him I would wait…that candy first thing in the morning is too much for me.  

All this situation with having no water, though, has made me think about something that has been on my mind a lot since the horrible hurricane damage in the southeast.  I have thought and thought about the impact of such terrible personal destruction on those with special needs.  

How on earth are they surviving?

How are families handling the upheaval and its effects on their special family members whose whole world has been turned upside down, destroyed, and perhaps forever gone?

My friend in western North Carolina talked to me about her daughter who has autism, how she stepped up to the plate at the beginning and was so helpful at home and with neighbors.  But as time went on it was getting harder and harder to handle the constant pressure and stress of routines being completely disrupted and of doing things not normal for her.  Then come meltdowns and anger, which are terribly difficult for the family already dealing with more difficulties than imaginable.  

I have wondered what Aaron would be like in a situation like this, where everything he knows and expects and demands is gone.  I can’t even fathom it.  A couple days without water and he was approaching the done point.  Imagine everything being gone for weeks and weeks, forever even, and what that would do to him.

Imagine the untold number of families in these areas whose special children or other family members are enduring just that, a million times worse than our small inconvenience.  

So many special needs individuals with so many needs that are special to them.  Needs they can’t control but that must be met as much as possible.  

How they need our prayers!  

Let’s not forget them.  

Uncle “Awa” Update

Once again, it is way past time for a family update.  Lack of time and often no lack of tiredness sure make it hard to write like I want.  Or like I used to long ago.  Anyway, here I am at last.

Can you tell from my title what sweet news we have about Uncle Aaron?  This past Saturday evening at supper, Ryker started pointing to Aaron and saying, “Awa.”  He did it over and over and was so happy at our reaction.  Aaron was his typical unemotional self, but Ryker didn’t care.  He kept pointing at Uncle Aaron and saying “Awa.”  And he didn’t want Aaron to leave the table.  

We could tell, though, that Aaron was pleased and later he told me that it made him happy.  He told his staff at his day group, too…a sure sign that it makes him feel special.  It was such a sweet and heartwarming moment to see Ryker saying Aaron’s name in his own precious little way.  

Aaron still likes to share with Ryker, and is playing more with him, too.  It’s mostly playing in small ways but it’s a good start and shows that Aaron is getting more comfortable with his little nephew.

Aaron claps quite often, and often those claps are ear splitting.  I’m sure he could win a clapping contest, hands down!  (Sorry.  That was corny.) Ryker watches Aaron closely and has now started copying Aaron when he claps.  First comes Aaron’s super loud claps, followed by Ryker’s little baby claps.  And then come lots of smiles from all of us.

One day Aaron let out his deep “Ho Ho Ho” laugh and Ryker suddenly copied it perfectly.  It was hilarious!

Last week we went over to Andrea and Kyle’s, stopping on the way to pick up some burgers.  Aaron saw the BK crowns on the counter and asked the worker if he could have one for Ryker.  This young man happily said yes and then offered one to Aaron.  It was another sweet gesture from Aaron to Ryker.  

Aaron still has his moments of uncertainty and jealousy, evident in the statement we hear the most when Ryker is here:  “You don’t say that to me.”  

Or:  “You don’t bounce with me.”  

And here’s one, said after I commented that Ryker is adorable:  “Do you think I’m adorable?”

We always assure Aaron of our love and call to his attention the ways that we show him that love in an adult way.  There are times we are still walking on eggs with him when Ryker is here.  Aaron does love our full attention and to share with anyone else, not just Ryker, often goes against his grain, especially if that sharing interferes with Aaron’s sacred schedule.

But all in all, we see huge improvement and it’s truly a cause for praise to the Lord as well as being sure to praise Aaron for ways that he is being nice to Ryker.

And we have one more bit of great news.  Andrea gave us this picture a couple weeks ago.

Ryker will be a big brother next May!!

We are thrilled and so very thankful!

Aaron is not quite as thrilled, but he isn’t totally against the idea, either.  He has told people that he doesn’t want Andrea to have another baby but then he tells others about the coming baby in an excited way.

Typical Aaron, up and down, depending on the moment.

Typical me and Gary, depending on the Lord for patience and wisdom, which we do not always show.  

But remembering to be thankful for every victory and every bit of good news.

Uncle Awa.  

That’s some very sweet news right there, times two!

Important Uncle Aaron

It’s been way too long since I’ve given an update on Aaron in his life role of being Uncle Aaron.  All in all, Aaron has made great progress.  But our road with Aaron is never without some bumps…or sometimes potholes!

Ryker is now 19 months old.  He is talking and showing more of his cute personality.  Aaron is fascinated with this and is showing more interest in Ryker, which we all thought he would do once Ryker had a few more months under his belt.  Aaron sees him more now as a little fellow human and not just a strange little baby. 

Aaron loves giving Ryker food or toys, and Ryker is very happy to receive them.

Yet when he tries to get Uncle Aaron’s attention to get a response from him, Aaron doesn’t know what to do, so he doesn’t do anything.

 Aaron’s lack of response to Ryker is very similar to how Aaron reacts so often to us when we get a little too close for comfort, like wanting a hug from him or a confirming verbal response.  Aaron will often back away from anything that makes him show too much emotion, especially if it’s on our terms and not his.  

Aaron likes to show Ryker his special items, like these rocks that he wanted Ryker to see.

Ryker especially loves Uncle Aaron’s room because it’s full of all sorts of cool things to touch and pick up and pull or throw…sometimes to Uncle Aaron’s delight and sometimes to Uncle Aaron’s dismay.  But it really makes Aaron feel special to see how much Ryker loves his bedroom.  

However, despite all the progress Aaron has made, this little fellow human can still sometimes make Aaron feel like he has been displaced in our home and our lives.   

“Ryker takes away my importance with Mom,” he said to a friend one day.

It’s a very telling and heart-rending statement from Aaron.  He truly has had so many adjustments to make as he learns to share his life…our lives…with this new little member of our family.  

We all assure Aaron that his place in our family has not changed one bit.  I have told him that love isn’t divided; it’s multiplied many times as God brings new people into our lives.  A friend told me that her family has talked about how our hearts grow bigger as we have more people to love.  We don’t push anyone out, we just grow bigger hearts to make room for more people to love.

Aaron listens to these words, but he still struggles with wanting to be the center of attention.  When Ryker gets more attention, then Aaron feels like Ryker is more important in our lives.  It’s a fine balancing act for all of us.

Kyle, Andrea, and Ryker came over a few days after Kyle had returned from being at sea for 3 months.  For two solid hours, they both gave as much of their full attention to Aaron as they could.  This included getting on the floor to put stickers in Aaron’s sticker book with him.  And listening to Aaron talk literally non-stop about all his interests.

Their understanding and patience with Aaron mean the world to us. 

We all see that Ryker, even at his young age, is looking at his Uncle Aaron in a way that shows he is already trying to figure out what makes him tick.  He’s trying to say Aaron’s name and the other night, after Uncle Aaron gave one of his loud claps, Ryker did the same with his sweet pudgy hands.  

We all gave each other knowing smiles.

Ryker will have a front row seat to Aaron’s world and with it will come the invaluable knowledge that special Uncle Aaron is really a very extraordinary gift from God.  

Despite the potholes in our family road, I believe Ryker will be all the richer for having his special…and important…Uncle Aaron in his life.  

And I also believe that Aaron’s heart will continue to grow and grow because of his little nephew that made him Uncle Aaron.

Mom’s Ways

Years ago, when we had a big family gathering in our West Virginia hometown, Mom had prepared a meal for us.  She decided to serve it buffet style.  The first person to go through the line was one of my nieces.  She scooped some rice onto her plate and then beside the rice she put the stew meat and gravy.  Back in the line, craning her neck to see, was our short little mother.  She saw my niece’s plate with the meat beside the rice.  Mom could not restrain herself.

“The meat goes ON the rice!” she exclaimed.

There was the typical eye rolling and many knowing smiles between us as Mom still felt that need to supervise this detail…a very important detail to her.  In my family, this comment and story has become one of our favorite sayings when we want something to be done a certain way.

The meat goes ON the rice!

Mom’s particular ways permeated our lives.  She was and still is the most energetic and organized woman I have ever known.  It wasn’t easy back in the 50’s to have four children in five years.  Then came Kathryn, our caboose, three years later.

Her ways of managing our home were as precise as she could make them during those very hectic years.  She had baskets of ironing for us to do with a piece of paper in each basket that held a name of one of us girls.  We had our chores to do and the day on which to do them.  She even taught us the best way to load dishes into the kitchen sink after dinner.  Wash the glasses first, then the silverware put just so along with the plates, and so forth.

She taught us how to fold laundry, including those dreaded fitted sheets.  Sorry, Mom, for the mess I still make with those sheets today.  Sometimes I feel like she’s craning her little neck from heaven, watching me struggle with that sheet and just shaking her head.

But over the years, with a family of my own, I do wonder how Mom did it all.  She made all our clothes, often late at night after we had gone to bed.  I still remember our kitchen table full of homemade rolls, cookies, pizza crusts, and so much more.  Our freezers were full of those goodies, ready to be used at a moment’s notice.  She canned and froze fruits and veggies from their garden.  All of this while working full time after we were all in school, eventually supervising the school lunch programs in thirteen West Virginia counties.

Mom’s ways of reaching beyond our home into the lives of others was amazing.  Our home was always open to our friends, to groups, and to pastors and missionaries.  In later years, she knit hundreds of Christmas stockings for so many people as well as her beautiful quilts.  She visited the sick, usually with flowers she had grown or food she had made.  

Mom’s ways of offering help to the struggling really spoke to me.  She didn’t judge those who had made mistakes in life but instead looked for ways she could help them and love them through their hard times.

But the most impacting of Mom’s ways, the one for which I am most thankful, is that every morning she made sure that we began the day in God’s word together as a family around our breakfast table.  Dad was already at work on those early mornings so she would lead us in reading Our Daily Bread and praying together.  

Throughout her life she consistently exhibited that the number one value in our lives was to live our lives for Christ and to trust Him in every situation.  We saw her follow her own advice without wavering as she cared for Dad until cancer took his life.  She continued her faithfulness even as Alzheimer’s took away her memory, her spunk, her humor and wit.  

Some of the last words she ever spoke was to softly sing:  

“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus;

Sweetest name I know.

Fills my every longing,

Keeps me singing as I go.”

So Mom, I not only honor you on this Mother’s Day but on every day as your ways continue to influence my own life…and hopefully the lives of our children. 

And for you, I will make sure that the meat goes ON the rice!

Automatic Uncle Aaron

I’m sitting here staring at this blank screen, wondering how I can convey Aaron’s adjustment or lack thereof to being Uncle Aaron.  I think the best way to do so is to share with you a statement he made not long ago.  Here is Uncle Aaron in true Aaron form, talking about his role as an uncle.

“Well, Andrea made me the uncle without asking.  Why did she automatically make me the uncle?!”

Shame on Andrea, right?  

Oh, Aaron.

I made a feeble attempt to explain this dynamic of becoming an uncle, but Uncle Aaron was already on to another topic, and I knew when it was time to just hush.

As I have said many times in the past and am sure I will continue to say many times in the future, Aaron’s main concern in life is Aaron.  His schedule, his routine, his comfort, his attention…these are a few of the things that matter most to him.  When the title “Uncle” is added to his name, that means there is another person in his world that made him an uncle…and that little person sometimes takes Aaron’s schedule, routine, comfort, and attention, and stands all of it on its head.  

Aaron’s world is jumbled during those times.  He is not the center of attention, the master of his world, the keeper of his schedule…and this disruption is HUGE to him.

You should hear him at the dinner table when Andrea, Kyle, and Ryker are at our house.  He literally will not quit talking, and when he is interrupted by us giving Ryker attention, he is perturbed.  Or when Aaron takes a bite and we can use those two seconds when he is not talking to jump in and quickly start another vein of conversation, Aaron huffs and puffs and chews extra fast so he can quickly start talking again.  

He cannot figure out why on earth we would interrupt his monologue about the core of the earth, the solar eclipse, the ancient cave bones that were unearthed, what causes earthquakes…and by the way, why didn’t the moon melt during the recent eclipse??

BUT…Aaron, despite all these interruptions into his ordered life, is surprising us with his efforts to assimilate Ryker into his life and to try to understand his new little nephew.

Ryker just stares at Aaron, waiting for eye contact and for a response.  He doesn’t get that from Aaron yet, of course.  Aaron has yet to talk to Ryker.  That concept is just too hard for Aaron.  So, Ryker observes his Uncle Aaron with great curiosity, even at only 15 months of age. 

What Aaron does love to do is to give Ryker things.  Here he is sharing his pecans with Ryker.

He was super excited for our sweet little neighbor to share her chalk with Ryker.

And for the first time in years, Aaron wanted to have an Easter basket and an egg hunt like Ryker.  A little jealousy there, I’m sure, but it was fun and had some sweet moments.

The good times and the progress we see is very encouraging to us.

They truly are more frequent than the other side that crops up when Aaron is feeling usurped and not loved as much as Ryker.

After all, Aaron may have automatically been made an uncle but knowing how to really BE an uncle is not automatic for Uncle Aaron at all!

We have certainly learned that fact over this past year.

And we have also learned to be thankful for every single bright spot that we see along this growing Uncle Aaron journey.

Uncle Aaron: Out of Order

A few weeks ago, Aaron had an incident at his day group.  He got mad at another client there, lost his temper, and ended up being pushed down.  As a result, a nose piece on his glasses got a little bent.  As soon as we could, I took Aaron to our vision center to have his glasses fixed.

Knowing that Aaron greatly enjoys telling everyone all the juicy details of these happenings, I paused to talk to him before we went inside.  I told him that no one needed to know all about how his nose piece got bent.  It’s hard to explain without making him or the other young man or his day group look bad. 

Aaron agreed.

I was not convinced.

As soon as we were seated at the table, Aaron took off his glasses for the technician.  She immediately saw the bent nose piece.  But Aaron could not stop himself from giving at least some form of explanation.

“My place in Wichita went out of order,” he flatly said.

She was confused but made no comment, only smiled.

I was holding in a belly laugh.

And Aaron strikes again with his hilarious and unique way of explaining things, I thought.

It wasn’t until sometime later that it hit me.  Aaron had made the perfect explanation of how he sees his new role as Uncle Aaron.

His place in our family went out of order.

Order is what Aaron craves in his life.  But it must be the order that Aaron mandates.  Anyone who disrupts that order is the object of Aaron’s anger.

Aaron’s nephew, Ryker, has disrupted Aaron’s ordered life.  Aaron’s normal has been upended now that Ryker and Andrea and Kyle live here.  

When the three of them are at our house, Aaron’s mood often becomes confrontational and angry.  He makes comments about how we don’t love him anymore or don’t love him as much as we love Ryker.  Or he gets angry at Kyle for whatever reason.  

Aaron has had us to himself for years.  This sharing business is a monumental adjustment for him.  

Autism is so tricky…so very hard to understand sometimes.  A lot of times.

Or we understand it on paper but when behaviors affect our joy and our emotions then it’s, quite honestly, maddening.

This is how I look at it.  When we see Aaron having a seizure, we understand what is happening.  We feel concern and empathy for Aaron.  We want to help him and be sure that he is cared for and safe.

However, when we see Aaron’s autism at play, it usually involves some sort of behavior from him.  Sometimes he can be funny or uniquely amazing, but there are also plenty of times that he is disruptive, angry, unreasonable…I’ll stop there.  You get the picture.

When he is seizing, we stay with him until the seizure is over.  We would never tell him to stop seizing.  He can’t, of course.

When he is having an autistic episode of anger or frustration, we try to talk to him…to tell him to stop…to get him to listen to reason.  But he usually can’t, any more than he can stop a seizure.

But that fact is hard to grasp in the middle of everyone’s high emotions.  

When special needs affect behaviors, it is very difficult to have the same level of compassion that we have when there is only a physical effect, such as a seizure.  That’s because behaviors affect others around the person so personally.  Our emotions get involved because we are frustrated, hurt, angry ourselves, disappointed, and the list goes on.  

Aaron reacts to his environment very strongly.  His environment has been turned upside down by the addition of his nephew into his life, as well as his sister and brother-in-law. 

All of this makes me think of that old Tina Turner song: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

Nothing, to Aaron.  Not when his world is out of order.

It’s not all bad, though.  Aaron has sweet moments, and we relish those.  

A few nights ago, he wanted Ryker to sit on his bed before they left.  He gave Ryker a necklace of his and laughed in delight at how happy that made Ryker.  Then Aaron ran downstairs to tell Kyle he was sorry for being mean to him earlier.  

Yesterday, Aaron walked outside with Andrea and Ryker. 

 

Aaron was more patient with everyone and didn’t attempt to be the only one talking all during our lunch.

“Was I good when Andrea and Kyle were here, Mom?” he asked me last night. 

He’s so childlike at these times and my heart really goes out to him.

Our prayer is that Uncle Aaron will learn to be secure in his place in our family; to develop a relationship with Ryker as well as Kyle; and to know that he is greatly loved.

And to someday know that his world is not out of order but is instead in a very wonderful order!

Up and Down With Uncle Aaron

Many of you have been wondering how Uncle Aaron is faring with his little nephew, Ryker.  Well, since a picture is worth a thousand words, let me share our family Christmas picture that our sweet neighbor was kind enough to take for us in the middle of some cold temperatures.

You can clearly see the struggle on Aaron’s face.  And also the love that his sister, Andrea, has for him as she helped him tolerate standing there long enough for some pictures by holding his hand.

It wasn’t just the cold that was bothering Aaron.  Not even the promise of eating dinner out right after this was enough to make Aaron smile.

Reality was setting in for Aaron.  Andrea worded it perfectly last night as we talked after Aaron had left the room.

“Ryker has infiltrated Aaron’s life,” she wisely said.  

I can illustrate Aaron’s way of viewing his life by what happened as he and I were getting his blankets on his bed a couple nights ago.  He got two new blankets for Christmas.  Since it’s been so cold, he wants to put both new blankets on his bed along with the three he already uses…for a grand total of five blankets!

I have written before about the order of his covers.  Nothing has changed.  He has decided that on top of his already well-ordered blankets, he wants the Christmas blanket first and the grey blanket on top.  I made the dastardly mistake of reversing that order.  I went ahead with things, wondering if Aaron would mind.  He did.

“Mom, I want the Christmas blanket first!” he said.

“It doesn’t really matter, Aaron,” I naively answered.

“But I want them the way I like them!” he declared.

He was already removing the offending grey blanket as he spoke.  Knowing better than to fight his need for this certain order, I complied while keeping silent.  

Pick your battles, right?

Aaron’s initial reaction to Ryker was precious.  He gave Ryker his special bear, as I wrote about earlier.

Within three days, Aaron had taken back the bear.

Up and down.

After friends graciously took him out to dinner on our Christmas Eve, and then he survived our Christmas day, he was much improved.  After some encouragement from me, he gave the bear back to Ryker.

But the realities of autism rule Aaron’s mind and his relationships. 

Again, look at another picture.  This is Aaron’s place at our dinner table one recent night.  He set the table, and his setting is exactly as he wants…and needs…it to be.  Fighting it is useless and unproductive.

Watching Aaron in every area of his life is exactly as described years ago by M.P. Everard:  “…one is instantly aware of how different they are and the enormous effort they have to make to live in a world where no concessions are made and where they are expected to conform.”

The reality of a baby in our lives, even his precious nephew, is not precious to Aaron.  He sees the laughter and the joy that Ryker brings.  Aaron is not the center of attention.  His egocentric tendencies rebel against this fact.

Conforming to our desire for Aaron to love and accept Ryker is a huge mountain for Aaron to climb.  

When Ryker is with us during a meal, Aaron literally spends the entire time talking about things like the core of the earth, whatever video he is watching, aliens, etc., etc.

Andrea is so good to try to focus on Aaron, but we all know that Aaron also needs to understand and to share that focus with Ryker.

Ryker, the offending nephew.  

The infiltration of the nephew is not acceptable to Aaron.  

“I want life the way I like it!!” Aaron is inwardly…and sometimes outwardly…saying.  

I wish he was only referring to blankets and silverware.  But Aaron is also wanting his immediate family to focus on him when we are all together.  Ryker is not cooperating with that demand from Aaron just by nature of being a baby.

Today I spent lots of much needed time with Aaron.  We went to Wal-Mart, picked up Taco Bell for lunch, watched two episodes of All Creatures Great and Small, and played Yahtzee.  

While shopping, Aaron picked out a cute little yellow stuffed bee that he wants to give Ryker.  I talked to him about how the best thing he can give Ryker is his love and kindness.  I believe, from Aaron’s responses, that he really does want to do that, but his desires are overtaken by how his brain is wired.  He reacts spontaneously to his environment, no matter who he offends.  

So, we keep plugging away as we try to understand with patience the huge task in front of Aaron.  And trust me, sometimes our patience wears very thin.

Our prayer is that Aaron will learn to love sharing his love with Ryker as much as he loves sharing stuffed animals.   

Through the ups and downs of this new journey, I do not want to forget all the goodness of God that He has shown us.  The answers to our prayers have been amazing.  

May I not lose sight of the fact that even when I feel like Aaron’s heart is out of our reach, his heart is never out of God’s reach.  

Thank you to each of you who are caring and are praying.   

Uncle Aaron, The Nephew, and The Bear

Our crowd from Texas all arrived safely in three different stages on Monday night.  What a relief to have them all here at last!

Except relief is not the word that Aaron would use to describe his feelings about this situation.  

His word choice would have been “dread.”  Dread mixed in with a little anger.

But Aaron reacts this way to any situation that threatens to up-end his ordered, predictable world.

Even on the day the family was to arrive, Aaron was still letting us know that he did not want to be Uncle Aaron and he did not want to have a nephew. 

He was asleep when the last travelers arrived at 10:30, with Ryker (the nephew) in tow.  Poor little Ryker was tired of traveling and scared of all the sudden new surroundings until he was able to finally stretch his legs and do some exploring.  Then there was no stopping him!

Ryker was awake early the next morning, and so was Aaron.  Aaron walked in the room where Ryker was staying.  Andrea had just changed his diaper.  I saw Aaron’s eyes dart to Ryker but then quickly look away.

“There’s Ryker, Aaron,” I softly said.

But Aaron was very nervous, and I knew not to push.  Aaron focused solely on Andrea.  He began talking about and showing her the box for his new Batman game.  He was in his comfort zone, and it was best to leave him there.

Andrea and I went downstairs with Ryker, where Aaron soon followed, still focusing only on Andrea as he talked about games and movies…anything but “The Nephew.”  Ryker just looked at Aaron, certainly intrigued, but Aaron still refused to acknowledge his presence.

After some time, Aaron thumped back up two flights of stairs to his bedroom.  Soon we heard him coming down again.  I thought that Aaron would have a new game box to show Andrea.  

But no.  Instead, he was carrying a stuffed bear.

This wasn’t just any stuffed bear.  34 years ago, while we lived in Germany, our third child was born…Andrew.  Aaron was five years old, and he did not welcome his tiny little brother into the world.  Instead, he was uncomfortable around baby Andrew and kept his sullen distance when they visited us in the hospital.  We attributed it to normal adjustments that many children have with a new sibling.  

When we brought Andrew home from the hospital, we were concerned about how Aaron would react to his brother actually living with us.  As soon as we walked inside, Aaron looked at us and then ran back to his room.  Soon he returned carrying his favorite stuffed bear, given to him when he was born. 

“Here,” he said as he held his bear out to us.  “Andrew can have this.”

That was his way of accepting his new brother.  And for the rest of his years at home, that bear was Andrew’s bear. 

Andrew grew up and moved away.  The bear was in his closet.  One day, Aaron saw the bear and asked if he could have it.  Andrew, of course, said yes.  So, for all these years that special bear has been Aaron’s bear again.

Over this past year we have watched 39-year-old Uncle Aaron exhibit the same unaccepting behavior toward his new baby nephew as he had shown toward his new brother.  

But then…

Aaron held the bear out toward Ryker.

“Here,” he said to Andrea, “Ryker can have this.”

I was blown away as my mind wrapped around the significance of this moment.

I was taken back all those years ago to our military quarters in Germany, little Aaron handing his favorite bear to Andrew.  And now handing that very significant bear to The Nephew.  To Ryker.

I could never have orchestrated a sweeter, more meaningful way for Aaron to show his acceptance of Ryker.

Oh, thank you Lord!  

And thanks to all of you have prayed over this past year for Aaron to accept and love Ryker.  All of you have a part in the miracle we have seen over the past three days.  

Aaron has been sharing food and toys and stuffed animals with his nephew. 

But nothing he shares can surpass that first thing he shared…the little brown stuffed bear with such a story to tell of love and acceptance.