Category: Relationships

A Little Understanding, Please

I shouldn’t have let Aaron go to his day group on Monday.  His mood was pretty foul at home, but he wanted to go and so I let him.  He only wanted to go because he knows that having a special meal on Friday night depends on him going to Paradigm every day.  Funny how these rewards can come back to bite me.  He was pleasant on the drive across town.  But the way he slammed the van door when he got out was a sign to me that it might be a rough day.  And it was.

I knew when I got the phone call from Paradigm that afternoon, and Barb said a quick hello before putting her phone on speaker.  That’s usually what she does when she wants Aaron to also talk, and wants him to hear me.  Aaron was yelling, very upset and belligerent.  It had been a no good, very bad day…..and was soon to get even worse.  At this point, Aaron didn’t want to ride home with his driver.  Last August, we hired an agency to bring Aaron home from Paradigm in the afternoons.  Aaron likes going from point A to point B, with no stops in between.  But the route includes other clients that go home before him, so this had become a trigger for Aaron.  On his no good, very bad day….Monday….he did NOT want to ride anywhere but home. 

Once Aaron is upset…really upset….he’s like a volcano that must erupt until the flow of anger is over.  His autism prevents him from calming easily.  It prevents him from listening to reason or being reasonable.  He has very few filters, so words fly when he erupts, and some are inappropriate.  He decided on Monday to go ahead and ride home with the driver, knowing that he really had no other choice.  But he promptly told her to shut up when he got in the car, and he refused to put on his seat belt.  The whole way.  Not good….not good at all.

Shortly after he got home, upset still but calming some, my phone rang.  It was the agency that provides his rides home, telling me that they were very sorry but that Aaron would no longer be allowed to ride with them.  I understood, but I tried to do some explaining and then I asked for a second chance….but two days later was told there was no second chance.  Good luck with finding a new driver….it’s been nice working with you…. 

Back to Monday.  After the phone call, Aaron looked stricken.  He decided to try to rectify things by offering to help cut the ends off the asparagus I was fixing for supper.  I let him.  And during supper, out of the blue, he asked if he could write a get well note to our friend, Atha.  She’s been very sick and is in a rehab center.  I got him a note card and he wrote her his succinct get well wishes.  They were words of gold to me that night.  I think they will be for Atha as well.

Later, though, as Gary and I tried to absorb the events of Aaron’s day – especially the loss of his ride home, which is huge – things went downhill fast.  Aaron ended up realizing that we were trying to bring up the recurring subject of him moving out one day….living in a residential setting. 

“You could live with some friends, Aaron!” we said.

“I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH FRIENDS!!” he yelled.

And he stormed up the stairs as he told us how much he hated us.

But within seconds he was stomping back down the stairs, sitting in the recliner and rocking furiously.

“You just want me to leave!” he said, with tears coming down his face.

We tried to explain….tried once again to reason with him.  It doesn’t work.

“Aaron, Rosa lives with her friends and comes home on weekends.  And Shauna, and Natalie….”we told him.

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT ROSA OR SHAUNA OR NATALIE!!” he again yelled…..and again stormed up the stairs.

This went on for a long time, until finally he….and we….were spent and there was nothing else to say.

Tuesday was a better day at his day group, for the most part.  I drove to Paradigm in the afternoon to pick him up, fighting my frustration.  It didn’t help me at all to see and hear Aaron being rude to another client.  I was distant and silent as we started the drive home, finally responding some to Aaron but being rather cold.  That wasn’t a good choice for me to make.

“Mom!” Aaron said.  “You’re ‘iknorin’ me!”

The volcano erupted once again when we got home.  Aaron kept saying over and over that I had ‘iknored’ him.  He was crying hard, and my heart was breaking.  I tried to explain, but to no avail.  He pulled a large picture off his wall, taking some paint and dry wall with it.  He ripped a dollar bill into pieces.  He very loudly slammed his door several times.  And he told me that he was going to put a sticky note on his door that said, “Mom is an idiot!!” 

I sat on his bed.  He had his headphones on as he looked at a video.  I told him again that I was sorry, and I asked him to forgive me.  All he could do was cry and say, “You were ‘iknorin’ me!!”

So I said the words that always reach his heart.

“Aaron?  Would you like to go get a Slushie from Sonic?”

Without even a pause he quickly said yes, and so we got in the van and got his slushie.  I parked in the Dillon’s parking lot, away from others, and he slurped while I talked.  He calmed and I tried to explain things, knowing full well that Aaron doesn’t relate to most of our explaining sessions.  Finally I was done.  There was quietness before Aaron spoke again.

“Mom?  There’s a reason why you shouldn’t watch Alien Vs. Predator 2.”

He didn’t notice my deep sigh or the shaking of my head.

Oh, if only Aaron could convey to us his hurt and his anger with reasoning words instead of hard and hurtful words!  Or curse words.  Or just totally ignoring the situation and talking about aliens. 

Aaron often doesn’t even know why he’s frustrated.  He just is on some days.  As he escalates, so do others around him, and that only further compounds the issues.  I reacted with ‘iknorin’ him on some of the drive home, which I really shouldn’t have done, so he reacted.  Did he ever!  But he was afraid that I didn’t love him anymore.  He’s terrified of losing my love, but he can’t verbalize that.  So he reacts with anything that comes to his mind that demonstrates his deep fear and hurt.  That usually means that he breaks something, like his watch or his glasses or his picture on the wall or the dollar bill.

Why am I telling you all of this ugliness?

I’m sitting here listening to Aaron’s monitor….listening for another seizure which may come.  He had a long seizure at 5:30 this morning, and only one seizure means that usually more will follow during the day.  He’s napping in his room and I’m on alert as I go about my day. 

I tell you the ugliness of his behaviors because really, those behaviors hold him down more in life than do his seizures.  It’s a raw, hard reality for many parents of special needs children.  Those sudden, awful, interrupting, exhausting behaviors.

I can explain seizures.  Other parents can explain various visible special needs of their children, or even special needs not seen but understood.    But behaviors?  So frustrating….so embarrassing…..so condemning for both child and parent.

But we need those behaviors to be understood as well.  And we as parents need to always work to understand them, too, especially in the heat of the moment. 

I have friends who would say to others, “Please, please understand my loud and uncooperative and bizarre and hateful child.  Please just try to understand, and not judge and not condemn and try to give advice or lectures.  Just understand, a little even.  Sometimes that’s all we can manage, too.  A little.”

And love a lot.

Tuesday night, as Gary was going to bed, he said, “Hey Aaron.  Come here.” 

I thought that Gary had something cool to show Aaron, so I looked around the corner of the kitchen to see what it was.

And as Aaron walked toward his dad, Gary held his arm out and gave Aaron a hug.  Aaron even responded!

I blinked back the tears.  Sometimes it’s hard to love Aaron, honestly, but we must….and we do.  I was very thankful for that sweet picture that ended our second no good, very bad day with Aaron.

One more thing.  I went inside Paradigm yesterday when I went to pick up Aaron.  What a lifter-upper that was!!  Those wonderful clients, with so many needs, have so much love to give….even on or after the bad days.  Love for me and more importantly, love for Aaron.  We could hardly leave for all the hugs and talking and smiling. 

Every day is a new day, as Barb says.  A fresh new start.

“This is the day which the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it!” 

But sometimes I AM glad when they’re over.  J 

Playing Skip-Bo at the end of one of those rough days

A Fight to the Finish

I’ve written in the past about how much it means to me when someone “gets” Aaron.  You know what I mean.  It’s when a person out somewhere in a public setting reacts to Aaron in a way that makes me know they totally understand him.  Or at least partially understand him.  I don’t know that even Gary and I on some days totally “get” Aaron.  This past Friday night was an example of both. 

Aaron and I went to Subway to get our special Friday supper, as per Aaron’s request.  One of the girls who began with our order was very nice, but I could tell that she was nervous with Aaron.  She was unsure of what to say to him, and very unsure of what he was saying to her as he robustly placed his order. 

“Can I have a sub?” he bellowed, with me standing close by patting his arm in an effort to soften his tone. 

“And can I have extra cheese?” he continued bellowing.  “My Mom says I can’t have extra cheese!” he rambled on as she was just saying that he COULD have extra cheese, and so she glanced nervously at me. 

I told her to go ahead with the cheese, which caused Aaron to bend over and rub his hands together as he laughed in delight…..which caused her to attempt an uncertain smile as she placed the extra cheese on the meat, all under Aaron’s watchful eye.  I wanted to tell her that it was OK….that Aaron was loud but harmless…..but I didn’t do that with Aaron standing right there.  I just hoped my smile would convey to her what I was thinking.

Just then, the manager appeared and began helping with our order.  I remembered her and she remembered Aaron.  This girl’s mother worked with special needs and so she grew up around other Aarons.  Therefore, she was very relaxed and affirming toward Aaron. 

“What you need, Buddy?” she asked Aaron as she waited for him to complete his order.  Nothing he said or did from that point on phased her in the least.  I think the other server was as happy for her to take over as I was.  Aaron was just very happy to finish his requests, figure out the mayonnaise issue, and watch as his sandwich was wrapped and labeled. 

Yes, we deal with watching others try to understand our Aaron nearly every day.  I wanted to hug the two who were on duty at Papa Murphy’s a couple weeks earlier.  They completely engaged Aaron on his level as they made our pizzas.  Aaron stood there in total happiness as he loudly talked to them about aliens and spaceships and rubbed his hands together like crazy as they responded to him as if he was talking to them about school or sports. 

Then there was the young man behind the counter at the theater yesterday, his eyes big with uncertainty as Gary and I both exited the restrooms at the same time.  Aaron was talking to him about the Star Wars movie, I think it was, that we had just seen.  All I could focus on was the “Would you please rescue me?” look on the boy’s face as he tried to figure out what to do with Aaron.  Aaron loves a captive audience, and that boy was just that.  He looked it, too, as Aaron talked loudly – of course!- and rubbed his hands together and laughed.  We tried to quiet Aaron and lead him away but Aaron had more to say.  As we finally left, I laughed and I thanked the shocked young man.  I really wanted to walk back to him and say, “You have just encountered the amazing world of autism!”  But I knew that Aaron would follow me and pick up his story where he had left off, so I left well enough alone as we walked to the van, Aaron talking all the way…..of course.

All of these are mostly “Ha-Ha” funny moments.  They may be embarrassing to us at times, or frustrating, but they are not usually awful.  Those more disturbing moments happen at his day group and occasionally at home.  That was also the case on Friday night.  We went from hugs when Aaron came home from his day group to the joy of ordering and eating subs to the downward spiral of Aaron’s cascading emotions.

It all started with me realizing that Aaron wasn’t telling me the truth about his rough day at Paradigm.  I made an off handed comment that hurt Aaron’s feelings, so after we watched Wheel of Fortune he turned to me and had “that” look on his face and in his eyes.  I knew then that he had started down that track of frustration.  Time proved that evening that Aaron wasn’t going to be easily derailed.  His emotions were in a turmoil, as were ours.  Yet if we escalated, it would only serve to further escalate Aaron, which is the last thing that needed to happen.  He escalates very well on his own, thank you.  Gary and I tried to exercise firmness with calmness.  Just when we hoped that Aaron had calmed, though, we would soon hear his heavy steps coming downstairs to engage us once again in the battle that was going on in his head.  He was almost manic in his laughter and in his efforts to unsettle us.  It truly is amazing to see, but not amazing in a funny way.

It’s the other side of Aaron that we don’t see that often at home anymore.  It’s him in a fight to express himself and voice his hurt over his own actions, or over ours.  But he simply cannot tell us with calm and rational words what it is that is bothering him.  Therefore, he chooses something that he knows will either alarm or frustrate us, and he will go off on it over and over again.  Just when we think that our words of great wisdom have reached into Aaron’s head, he starts all over again on that same issue and our heads just bow down in defeat. 

I sat in Aaron’s bedroom with him late that night.  He sat on his bed, legs dangling, trying to express himself and his emotions but clearly unable to do so in the way you and I would.  But he was winding down, I could tell.  I just needed to wait patiently, listen closely, and pray silently.  I literally bowed my head in prayer as Aaron talked.  I knew he saw me but he never asked what I was doing.  He may have thought Mom was falling asleep.  After all, it was after 11:30….way past both our bedtimes! 

At last he said he was going to bed.  I watched as he pulled back his covers and then began arranging his snake, skunk, and frog in perfect order.  I wanted to rush over and yank the covers up over Mr. Snake as Aaron worked and worked and worked to turn his lower skinny stuffed body just the right way.  But I knew that one wrong move could open up Aaron’s emotions again, so I just stood and wearily watched.  Finally all was well with the stuffed animals and the pulled up covers. 

I asked Aaron if he was reading before he went to sleep.

“No,” he said with no emotion.  “It’s 11:47.”

I was relieved.

“Mom?” he asked.  “’Guess what?”

And I knew he had nothing to say.  He does this when he wants us to stay with him.  He asks, “Guess what?” and then tries hard to think of something to say.

“What?” I answered.

“I’m wearing my watch lower,” he said as he pulled his shirt sleeve up. 

Maybe it was a few centimeters lower, but it sure was hard to see the difference.

“Mom?”  he asked again.  “Guess what?”

“What?” I repeated

“When Independence Day Resurgence comes out, do you think the theaters will be crowded?”

Sigh.

“I don’t know, Aaron.  We’ll just wait and see,” I replied.

“Mom!  Look at this!”

And at 11:49 I was looking at the back of the original Independence Day movie box and talking about the plasma ray coming down from the spaceship.

Oh dear.  Would this night ever end?

But if finally did, only after Aaron went up and down the steps several times to tell Gary about plasma rays and new Independence Day movie news and to say good night once again. 

Earlier during the evening, when Aaron was working through his anger, he began feeling badly about his actions.  He came to me in the kitchen and had something in his hand he wanted me to take.  I held out my hand, and Aaron gave me some of his Mike and Ikes.  They were sticky and I’m sure covered in multiple germs, but he stood there waiting for me to eat them.  So I did, praying silently for God to please strengthen my immune system at that moment. 

“I wanted to give you these Mike and Ikes since I’m sorry,” he explained as he waited for me to enjoy them.  So what could I do but eat them? 

And what can we do but try our best to do what we hope others will do with Aaron.  We appreciate the understanding that strangers show to Aaron.  Can we do less?  Understanding what makes him tick, what makes him upset, what it is he is really trying to say when he is so upset……this is all part of figuring him out. 

It’s “getting Aaron.”  Not condoning behaviors, which we don’t, but understanding the behaviors as much as a parent of a child with asthma understands an asthma attack.  I thought of all this when I was sitting in Aaron’s room with him, watching him come to the end of the fight, and realizing how vital it is that I understand.

It means as much to Aaron for us to understand as it does to us for others to understand.  Complicated.  But so very necessary. 

Aaron?  Guess what? 

We’ll keep trying to understand. 

And I should keep a box of Mike and Ikes stashed somewhere for good measure.

What Happened to Happy?

It’s very interesting, as we live this life with Aaron, how we see all the ups and downs that go along with autism and Epilepsy and developmental delays.  We not only see the ups and downs, but we deeply experience their effects on him personally and on us as well.  Certainly anything that affects Aaron impacts Gary and I, too, and what a ride it can be!

Aaron really wants to enjoy happiness, but he wants it on his terms.  Sometimes that’s just not possible.  There are occasions where Gary and I walk a fine line as we attempt to provide a happy environment for Aaron without giving in to his every whim.  It’s like being on a boat.  We can be trolling along, happy and peaceful, and then all of a sudden we run upon choppy seas that threaten to overturn us.  Some days we can see the storm coming with Aaron as we read his mood.  Other days the storm swirls in out of the blue, unexpected, catching us off guard and then demanding all of our skills that we hoped we’ve learned over the years of parenting Aaron. 

This past Sunday night, Aaron and I were in the kitchen after playing Skip-Bo.  He was thinking of the next day as he said, “Mom, tomorrow’s Paradigm.  Let’s not let me go!”

I laughed at the funny way he phrased his comment, and then he laughed, and all was well.  The next day he was more adamant about not wanting to go.  Aaron loves Paradigm, but his dream life would be to stay home every day playing on the computer or watching movies.  That’s not going to happen and he knows it, but he still tries to test those waters.  He did go to Paradigm, but he did slam the van door and so I prayed as I drove away that somehow he would have a good day.  Barb said he was VERY grouchy when he came in but then settled down and had a really great day.  Yay!  Not yay for VERY grouchy, but yay that the rest of the day was great. 

Aaron pushed my buttons when he got home, blaming me for ruining his dream life and other ills as well.  Supper didn’t suit him, so Gary and I actually enjoyed a nice meal alone with uninterrupted conversation.  May as well see the silver lining in the cloud.

Later, Aaron and I had a talk, where I got firm and Aaron saw the light.  He was nice the rest of the evening…..almost.  Then came bedtime.  Why do so many things happen at bedtime?!  For instance, a couple weeks ago it was time for bed and Aaron knew it was time for bed.  If anyone knows anything about time, it’s Aaron!  But he was watching a movie, not wanting to quit until he was at some magic point, and so I did all the bedtime chores I do for him….and still he sat at his desk, engrossed in the movie. 

So I said goodnight, with some aggravation in my voice, and went to my bedroom.  I locked the door because I figured I would be followed.  Sure enough, I soon heard Aaron’s heavy steps coming up the hall.  He knocked loudly on the bedroom door and then said, “Mom!  I want to say goodnight in my room!”  You see, I hadn’t said our goodnights in the proper Aaron way.  I sighed and opened the door, where Aaron repeated what he had said about saying goodnight in his room.

“Come on!” he commanded as he walked briskly up the hall toward his room, before I could object.  But I did.  “Aaron,” I protested.  “I already said goodnight.”

“But you weren’t happy,” he explained.  How perceptive, I thought.  So, very tired and just wanting sleep, I followed him to his room.  He went into his room, turned toward me, and reached out for a hug.  I complied with an obligatory hug, not a heartfelt one.  I was still aggravated….and Aaron knew it.  I even said goodnight, but Aaron stared hard at me and then said, “You’re still not happy!”

So out went his arms again and this time I had to smile, more inside than out, as I gave him another hug.  I tried to make this hug more sincere, and I even did smile an outside smile as he stared at me again.

“Are you happy?” he cautiously asked.  And I assured him that I was happy, so that he would be happy, and I finally was released to go to bed…..at last!  His insistence on going to bed happy really was the right thing to do, much as I didn’t want to participate at that point, and his perceptions were also pretty amazing. 

Back to Monday night.  On Monday night I found myself wishing with all my might that Aaron wanted to be happy.  You see, Gary and I are getting ready to paint Aaron’s bedroom.  Gary has patched Aaron’s walls, but on Monday night Aaron wanted to show Gary a huge mark on his otherwise repaired wall.  Gary was shocked to see the mark.  We both think that Aaron made that mark on Monday morning when he was mad at me, but Aaron wouldn’t own up to that at all.  In fact, when Gary asked Aaron when he had made the gouge in the wall, Aaron hit the roof.  Boy, did he ever react!!

Aaron accused Gary of accusing him of making the mark.  “Well,” Gary replied, “who else could have made it?”  Aaron was beyond furious.  He became livid.  Gary and I both ended up in Aaron’s room, where Aaron erupted over and over.  He was in a full meltdown, and it wasn’t pretty.  It’s actually very amazing to see the progression of his thought processes when he’s out of control like that.  I’m just thankful that we don’t see this scene very often.  He never owned up to making the mark, but he sure did fling out all sorts of insults and angry comments.  I told Gary to go on to bed, and I sat with Aaron for awhile.  He was mad at me, too, at this point.  He watched a movie for a few minutes and then commanded me to leave his room. 

What happened to happy?  It was totally gone at that point!  I went to our bedroom, where Aaron followed and barged in, yelling some more and refusing to leave.  He did finally leave and he did stay in his room.  He went to bed around 12:30.  I’m sure he wrote down the precise time in his journal. 

He went to Paradigm the next morning.  I praised him for his maturity.  When he returned home that afternoon, I could tell that he was still struggling with some anger.  Yet when Gary got home, Aaron was fine.  We had supper and a pleasant evening, which was so welcome after the awful anger of the night before.  Aaron asked me to tell Gary what I had told him about being mature, so I told Gary how mature Aaron was to go to Paradigm without a fight.  Aaron stood there rubbing his hands together as I praised him to Gary, so happy at those words…..at last!

Yesterday after supper, Gary and Aaron took a walk out in our back yard with Jackson.  I looked outside and felt warmed by the sight of the two of them walking together.  What a picture of reconciliation!  The restoring of relationship is something we do fairly often with Aaron.  We must….because we love him and because it’s right.  All of us have these family moments and life moments where we have to come together again with those who have angered or hurt us.   Gary and I have to be the adults in these situations with Aaron.

But I guess that’s not always true, is it?  Didn’t I just tell about how Aaron came to get me when he knew I wasn’t happy?  How he insisted on being happy before we went to bed?  So I know that there are times when Aaron can and does get it right…..and I have it wrong. 

Our boat is once again sailing calmly.  He knows that tomorrow is Friday and that I’ve agreed with his request of a Papa Murphy’s pizza for supper.  Yet I know that the winds can change direction at any time, and another storm can blow upon us.  I know that I will once again, at some point, be asking what happened to happy.  Let’s pray that happy hugs are all it takes next time to bring the ship upright and make it steady again.    

Let’s hear it for happy!

And hugs!  Lots of happy hugs!

Lights On. Lights Off.

There is something laying on the floor of our garage right now.  It’s a baggie that contains some coins….some coins that Aaron needed to take to his day group today.  The bag is on the floor of the garage because Aaron put it there.  Well, he didn’t just put it there.  He threw the bag down on the floor.  He threw the bag down on the floor because he was angry.  He was angry because he didn’t want to go to Paradigm today.  He didn’t want to go to Paradigm today because of something that happened there on Friday.  He didn’t have to go yesterday because of a doctor appointment and then a fun day with me…..so he doesn’t want to go today, either.  Are you following me?

It’s how we have to follow Aaron.  Living with Aaron means living with autism, and living with autism means that we often follow Aaron as he goes down one trail, switches to another, and back tracks to the first one, but is soon off on a wild tangent, and off we go.  Living with Aaron and living with autism means that we must understand, as best we can, the things that Aaron can’t easily or sometimes ever express.  At times it’s a fascinating journey.  At times it’s a funny journey.  And at other times, it’s a very frustrating journey.  It’s really wild when all those emotions are mixed up into one ball.  Boy, can we bounce from one to the other!

Anyway, back to the bag of coins on our garage floor.  Aaron was awake a little after 5:00 this morning.  I heard him go to the bathroom, but he never went back to sleep.  He was in the kitchen watching me scramble Gary’s eggs well before 6:00.  He ate some sausage and I took his coffee to his room.  He came several times and stood behind my chair as I had my morning quiet time, sometimes talking and sometimes just staring.  He showered and took his pills.  And just under the current of his swirling mind, I knew what was there.  He didn’t want to go to Paradigm.  But when he saw that I was really going forward with our morning routine, like cleaning his glasses and handing him his wallet, he was not happy anymore.  On the way to the van, he turned and threw the bag of coins on the floor.  He left them there as we got into the van, and I am leaving them there for him to pick up when he comes home.  But he went to Paradigm, was met by the manager who rubbed his back and calmed him down (I hope), and hopefully will come home with happy stories.  And he will pick up the bag in the garage, because he needs to do that.  It’s a small lesson, but a lesson regardless.
 

Sometimes we don’t necessarily understand what makes Aaron do certain things, but we know that these actions are set in stone.  We are fighting a losing battle to try to change them.  Like his sausage this morning.  Aaron got his own silverware because he knew that Mom wouldn’t do it correctly.  I knew what he was thinking as he reached into the drawer and pulled out his fork but also a knife and a spoon.  Who needs a spoon for eating sausage?  Aaron does.  There’s no need to make a big deal about it or try to make him put it back.  Why make it an issue?

And the family room lights.  I don’t turn them on in the morning because we’re not sitting in there and so we don’t need the lights on, right?  But every time Aaron walks through that room, headed for the kitchen, he flips the lights on.  I flip them off at the first opportunity.  He flips them back on.  Lights on.  Lights off.

This morning he walked into the kitchen.  Lights on.

I soon took his coffee upstairs.  Lights off.

He followed behind me.  Lights on.

I came back downstairs.  Lights off.

He came behind me again.  Lights on.

I carried my own things upstairs.  Lights off.

He finished taking his pills and then came upstairs.  Lights on.

Sigh.

On the days that he is home and wants to eat lunch, he will eat only if it’s 12:00 or shortly after.  He will not eat at any time before 12:00.  Not 11:48.  Not 11:55.  Not even 11:59!!!!  And if I ask him what time he wants to eat, he replies, “At the time for lunch!”  As if Mom is a little thick headed, you know.

One day recently he said, “Mom, I’m sleepy.  I think I’ll take a nap at 12:00.”

I said, mistakenly, “Well, it’s almost 12:00 now.  You could go ahead and lay down.”

“But it’s 11:53!!!” he exclaimed.  “It’s not 12:00!”

Well, of course.  Whatever was I thinking?!

Wheel of Fortune is another one.  It starts at 6:30, so Aaron has decided that he will turn the television on at 6:28.  Again, not at 6:25 or 6:26 or even 6:27.  No.  Only….ONLY……6:28.  He will stand in front of the TV, literally staring at the clock, until it is SIX…TWENTY…..EIGHT!!!! 

It actually makes Gary and me smile. 

Movie credits.  Oh yes, movie credits.  When Aaron watches a movie in his room, he watches the entire movie.  But to Aaron, the entire movie means from the moment the DVD begins until the moment the DVD is over…..completely over.  That means watching the credits…..every single bit of the credits, until there are no more credits to watch.  He stares at them intently, too. 

 
So yesterday, after Aaron’s doctor appointment and after eating lunch at Abuelo’s, we went to see San Andreas.  He saw it at the theater on Friday, but he really wanted to see it with me.  Yesterday worked out perfectly for that.  For one reason, the theater wasn’t full at all and so I wasn’t as stressed about Aaron’s noises and rubbing his hands together when he got excited.  And this is a VERY exciting movie.  We had a good time, and when the movie was over I could tell that Aaron didn’t want to get up.  Why? 

Really?  Surely you know.  The credits!!  Aaron would have gotten up if I had insisted, but I knew that watching San Andreas in the way that mattered to Aaron meant watching it to the bitter end…..which meant to the very long, last credit.  Everyone had left the theater, and the cleaning crew stood in the back waiting on us to be finished, but Aaron and I did it.  We watched every single line of every single credit for every single miniscule part of San Andreas.  Aaron put his hands on the back of the seat in front of him, enthralled at getting to watch big screen credits all the way to the end.

 
 
This is what we often do as parents of Aaron, and as we live with autism.  I entered Aaron’s world at that moment.  It was actually funny and endearing.  We left the theater laughing, and I laughed even more when Aaron bent over as he rubbed his hands together furiously, asking the ticket taker why San Andreas was “fictinous,” as Aaron says.  The stiff, unsmiling ticket taker was rather put out at this odd situation and made some curt comment, which totally didn’t faze Aaron.  That poor guy missed out on a wonderful opportunity.

I’m learning more and more to enjoy those opportunities to enter Aaron’s mind and to follow him on his paths. I am blessed to partake of Aaron’s world on most days, but there are many times when it’s hard and frustrating.  Which brings me back to the bag on the garage floor.  Hopefully, as he picks the bag up off the floor, Aaron will talk to me about what was really bothering him.  Hopefully, he will learn that he needs to correct his own wrong actions.  Until the next time he takes off down that trail of frustration, but we’ll deal with that as well.

Lights on.

Lights off.

 

 

Spilled Water

Today Aaron had a dentist appointment to have his teeth cleaned.  He was happy about it, not because he likes having his teeth cleaned but because he knows that afterwards it means we hit the Pizza Hut buffet down the road from the dentist’s office.  Aaron and I happily walked into Pizza Hut, only to find one very busy server working hard to keep up with a rapidly filling restaurant.

We waited a long time while this poor overworked server was on the phone before she was able to break free.  She told us just to go ahead and pick a seat, but asked us first what we would like to drink.  Aaron quickly told her that he wanted water WITH lemon…..because Holly, who had just taken care of him during our trip to Houston, put lemon in her water. 

“Mom!” Aaron had said to me earlier this morning.  “Do you know what Holly puts in her water?”  Then he proceeded to tell me how Holly put lemon in her water.  “Can I put lemon in my water when we eat at Pizza Hut?” he asked.  And I told him that he could.

So when the busy server asked for our drink order before we seated ourselves, Aaron jumped on it and made sure that his water would have a piece of lemon.  When we sat down, and our waters came, Aaron said, “Holly squished her lemon and poured the juice out.  Will you do that to mine?”  So I squished his lemon and he watched me pour the lemon juice out into his water.  He was happy.

We walked over to the buffet line, where the salad in the large bowl at the salad bar was nearly gone, and there was no pizza left on the pizza side.  Poor busy server!  We were able to fix small salads…..Aaron’s with way too much dressing before I could wrangle the dressing ladle from him.  Soon we were able to get some pizza, too, and we sat there eating and chatting.

I looked up at one point to see that five Amish young women had come in and were waiting to be seated.  With them they had two small children.  They were such refreshing and lovely young women, I thought.  I watched as others stared at them, and I hoped I wasn’t doing the same.  It must be hard sometimes to always stand out as being different.  Finally they were shown to the seats right behind Aaron and me.  I pretty well knew what would happen when they walked past us. 

“Mom,” Aaron said.  “They have on hats.” 

“Yes,” I answered.  “That’s part of their religious beliefs.  And don’t stare or point.”

“I was watching her,” he continued.  “You’d say I was staring?”

Again I just cautioned Aaron not to boldly stare, so he continued eating.  Finally, we got up for one more trip to the buffet, and as Aaron was getting out of his side of the booth his arm knocked over his nearly full glass of water.  His water with all the squished out lemon juice went all over the table and down onto my side of the booth.  Thankfully I had already stood up, so I didn’t get wet.
 

Aaron apologized profusely, so I told him it was fine…..and told him not to be so loud…..and he reached his arm up to me.  I leaned down as he still sat there and he gave me a big hug.  The older man in the booth beside us stared even more than he had already been staring.  And as I turned to see what kind of mess we had, I made eye contact with one of the young Amish women.  She looked quickly away, but I knew she was watching us and probably wondering.  I knew that I felt the way she must often feel.

For the rest of our meal, I sat with Aaron on his dry side of the booth.  Our poor harried server never did make it over to clean up the mess, and that was fine.  I felt really sorry for her.  Besides, this gave Aaron and me a chance to sit close together.  He leaned his head on my shoulder, so happy that Mom wasn’t angry and that all was well.  I knew he felt so badly about what had happened, but I assured him that it was fine. 

He was very happy that I offered him my water, but I took my straw out so he wouldn’t get my cold.  He quickly grabbed his straw that was laying on the table in the mess of spilled water, ice, and soggy napkins.  He was content as he ate his pizza, not minding that the server never made it over to clean our table.  While he ate, he sang songs from Phantom of the Opera…..quietly……and he drank every drop of my water.

 
I was now facing the Amish women as I sat beside Aaron.  One of the young women that was facing me was pregnant.  I looked up at one point and our eyes met, and we both smiled at each other.  I wondered what she was thinking.  I wondered if she wondered about Aaron.  Wondered if she wondered what my life is like, just the way I wonder what her life is like. 

Aaron and I finally went up to the register to pay.  I had to run after Aaron at one point because he walked rapidly over to the buffet.  He was just ready to reach in with his bare fingers and grab some bread sticks for the road before I was able to stop him.  Oh Aaron!  You know better! 

Aaron and his messes that he makes!  In the short time that we’ve been home from Houston, we’ve had several of those messes to deal with and try to correct.  They may be physical……like me on my knees cleaning up certain spills and missed aims, if you know what I mean.  Or they may be messes created by his behaviors.

That’s why I was on the phone this morning with Bryan, one of the Paradigm staff that takes Aaron with him to work on houses.  Aaron loves working with Bryan, but on Monday Aaron had a meltdown at Paradigm and was mean to Bryan.  I wondered what Bryan would say when we talked, but he was amazing.  He really loves Aaron.   He really understands Aaron, as much as any of us can understand him.  And he knows that all he can do…..all any of us can do…..is clean up the mess and move forward.

Sometimes we have to sit in the mess awhile, like Aaron and I today in our watered down booth.  Sometimes there are no quick fixes or easy solutions.  Aaron sees the mess and the havoc it creates, but it’s important for him to know that he is still loved in the midst of it.  He is still cared for despite it all.  He felt bad about the water today, and he usually feels badly about the outbursts he has.  Yet he can’t always stop it when he’s upset, any more than he could stop the water that spilled so suddenly today. 

The damage is done, but I can still sit closely enough for him to put his head on my shoulder, and know that he is forgiven and loved.    Believe me, sometimes I want to run to another room….another house….another state!  But that’s not the solution, for Aaron or for me. 

We stay in it because we are all Aaron has.  God gave him to us for a reason, messes and all.  And we do love that big, crazy guy. 

Spilled water and all.

Headed Down Pity Path

I’ve been trying to decide how to write this blog post….or if I even should write it.  Yes, I think I should.  But how to do it in a way that doesn’t make Aaron look “bad” or make me look selfish.  Yet the truth is, Aaron isn’t bad but I am sometimes selfish.  I’m human and I get tired, but I also have to acknowledge where my roots often rest…..and that’s sometimes in soil that grows some undesirable attitudes. 

Tuesday night saw Aaron having four large seizures, so I was up four times with him.  I did sleep some between the episodes, which I often am not able to do, but still I was tired that morning.  I stayed up after Aaron’s last early seizure, and later I did the usual clean-up.  I stayed close to him as he lay on the couch for the rest of the morning, waiting to see if he had another seizure.  I had the laundry going and was able to do some other things while I sat there at the kitchen table.  I was on Psalm 18 that morning in my study time, which was perfect for me.  My favorite verse is there….verse 29.  “For by You I can run upon a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall.” 

I felt very thankful as I sat there.  God seemed to be prompting me to focus on thankfulness.  I was thankful that Aaron was for the moment seizure free, warm, and safe.  Thankful that this wasn’t the day I was to take Nora to an important doctor appointment.  Thankful that my washing machine and dryer were just steps away, convenient and functioning.  Thankful that Aaron’s seizures aren’t far worse, as so many of our friends experience with their children.  Thankful that I don’t have to work, because it would be nearly impossible for me to do so.  Thankful for coffee.  Very thankful for coffee!

Later, Aaron woke up and he struggled to get off the couch.  After a few minutes, as he sat with me at the kitchen table, he told me that his arm was hurting.  I think he sprained it during one of the seizures.  Soon I asked him if he would want to eat, and we figured out together that some Cream of Chicken soup would hit the spot.  He was worried, though, that with his right arm hurting he would not be able to lift the soup spoon to his mouth.  Therefore, I demonstrated to him how he could eat by bending close over the bowl.  Aaron sometimes doesn’t like us to use our hands to demonstrate some action.  Don’t ask me why, but sometimes it irritates him.  So when I bent over to show him how he could eat, he snapped at me.  “You don’t have to show me how to do it by going like this….” he said with irritation as he copied my movement. 

It was as if he had thrown cold water in my face.  I knew that he was feeling terrible…..I knew that he has never liked physical demonstrations like this……I knew that his autism makes him very blunt…..but I also knew at that moment that I felt very hurt.  I just looked at him, and he knew very well that I was not happy.  I didn’t say a word, but got up and fixed his soup.  I got him all settled there at the table so he could eat, and I coldly told him that I was going upstairs to take my shower. 

For some time, my thoughts were headed down Pity Path.  How could Aaron treat me so rudely after all I’ve done for him?  It was very easy to rehash all of my sacrifices for Aaron, and very easy to nurse my hurt.  I was mostly silent toward him as the afternoon wore on around us.  He seemed to be fine, watching a movie, so I slipped down to Dillon’s to run an errand I had hoped to run that morning, but couldn’t because of Aaron’s seizures…..how I had to sit with him and didn’t get to accomplish what I wanted when I wanted……how my day was interrupted and my schedule trashed…..

See how it went with my thoughts?  Where was the thankfulness I had experienced earlier?  Where was my, “…..with God I can leap over a wall?”  I’ll tell you where it was.  It was buried under my self-centered thoughts, my tired body and mind, and my feelings of being very unappreciated by my son.  I had some major adjusting to do over the next hours, and some soul searching, as well. 

We all have many moments of feeling just as I did on Tuesday afternoon.   As a parent, spouse, sibling, friend, worker on the job, volunteer at church…..no matter where we are…..we will get our feelings hurt.  And as the mother of a special needs child who also has autism, it’s easy to be hurt a lot.  Aaron doesn’t have filters or feelings like we do.  He must be reminded over and over to be kind, to think of other’s feelings, to react in a nice way instead of a blunt or harsh way, and on and on.  He is very self-centered, and this is a huge reason why it doesn’t work if I am that way, too. 

I think it was important for me, personally, at that moment to step back and remove myself from Aaron and the situation.  The danger I faced, though, was in nursing my hurt instead of focusing on what God would do.  What I allow my thoughts to focus upon will determine my attitude, and will even determine whether I sin in the situation or grow in it.  To be hurt was normal.  To let my roots sink into the hurt as I planted myself in it would not be beneficial or right. 

Christ gave up a lot for me.  How often do I react to Him with unthankfulness or pride?  He didn’t hold on to his position as God’s Son, but emptied Himself of all that and became sin for me.  That’s the best example I can follow as I experience the hurt and the tiredness of being a special needs Mom….or any of the other many roles I have in this life.  It can’t be about me, or I will be continually frustrated.  It must be about honoring Christ, and caring for Aaron.

Understanding how Aaron feels after seizures…..understanding his autistic way of viewing the world….is very necessary, as well.  So is training him and reminding him of his actions, and how they can hurt or help others. 

Understanding how I feel after Aaron’s seizures…..understanding my sometimes selfish way of viewing the world…..is also very necessary.  Both must be recognized and dealt with before being allowed to get out of hand. 

Well, back to my verse in Psalm 18.  I didn’t exactly leap over that wall with God.  He more or less had to lift and shove me over it.  I wanted to sit at the base of the wall and lick my wounds, but He wouldn’t let me.  I’m glad for that!  Glad that He is patient and persistent with me.  Glad that He shows me His love.

Just like we have to be with Aaron.  It won’t be the last time, either.  For me or Aaron, either one. 

Still Our Sweetie Poo

I got one of those phone calls yesterday that I don’t like to receive.  It was Barb, from Paradigm, trying to tell me about an incident with Aaron.  It was hard to hear her, though, because she put it on speaker and I could hear Aaron in the background.  He was yelling as he tried to explain his story, and he was crying, and no one had to tell me that he had just had a meltdown.  My heart sank.  It’s been awhile since we’ve seen this with Aaron.  I felt drained when I got off the phone, and I wasn’t even there when Aaron lost it.  It’s just very discouraging to feel like things are going along so well, and then BAM, he hits that wall again. 

In his frustration, he broke his watch and he broke his brand new two day old glasses.  This is very typical of Aaron when he gets that upset.  He will break something that’s important to him, and then afterwards he’s just eaten up with remorse.  The remorse comes from all of his behaviors when he loses his temper, but he knows that breaking things comes with repercussions.  He won’t get a new watch right away.  He didn’t know if his new glasses could be fixed. 
 

The repercussions with people’s hearts is an area that he is not quiet adept at understanding.  He’s doing better with empathy as he’s gotten older, but he is usually very narcissistic and only thinks of himself when he is in a rage.  I guess many of us are that way when our emotions take control, but Aaron is often that way even when he is even keeled.  Thinking of others and what they are feeling has been long in coming for Aaron’s autistic mind.  He’s getting there, very slowly, sometimes more than others.  For instance, not long ago he found out that Andrea had a migraine.  The day that she and I were talking on the phone and she mentioned it, Aaron was frustrated that our phone call was taking my time away from him.  I chided him when I got off the phone about how uncaring he seemed.   The next day when she called, he said to me, “Tell Andrea I cared for her migraine!”  He was very pleased with himself that he cared, because even he knows how hard it is for him to feel that emotion, and because he felt guilty that he had not felt it at first for his sister.

He came home yesterday, face and eyes all red from crying.  He told me what had happened, so we discussed it as much as I felt that he could handle.  He lets me know when he has had enough.  Barb and I talked privately when Aaron was up in his room, and Melinda and I texted.  I felt like I had a good grasp of what had happened, although part of it was still fuzzy.  That’s why I tried to talk to Aaron again after Wheel of Fortune was over, but he did not want to talk about it further.  The book was closed, in his mind. 

I was almost asleep last night, at 11:30, when I heard our monitor on the nightstand beeping.  It meant that Aaron had turned his unit off in his room.  And it wasn’t long before our bedroom door opened and Aaron strode in to tell me that he had turned his monitor off and he had no intention of turning it back on.  There!

“Oh boy,” I thought.  “Here we go.”

Aaron has these residual effects from his behaviors…..effects that show up hours after the incident is over and hours after we have talked about it.  I followed him to his room, noticing his agitation.  He turned and told me that I was mean, that Dad was nicer, etc., etc.  I knew that my second conversation with Aaron was the cause of this, but I couldn’t take it back.  He thought I didn’t believe his version of the story….that I would make him leave Paradigm……and on and on.  And he assured me once again that he was NOT turning on his monitor.  That was the biggest sign of his rebellion that he could come up with at the moment. 

I left his room frustrated, and Aaron was frustrated, and the monitor stayed off all night.  This morning, I left Aaron alone when he got up.  Even when he stood staring at me silently, I did not speak to him.  I poured his coffee and carried it upstairs.  I got myself ready and I opened my bedroom door, and finally he walked in and told me that he was not going to Paradigm today.  I knew that was coming, so I asked him if he would go on Monday and he gave an exuberant yes. 

So many of my decisions at these times are uncertain.  Is it right to not make him go today to his group?  Do I still get him his Friday goody bag?   Was this outburst because of his new seizure drug….the one that can cause anger?  Do I take him off this drug?  Or do I wait awhile longer to give it more time? 

Well, I didn’t make Aaron go to Paradigm.  I know this is his typical response to such stressful situations, and I know that he does need time to emotionally recover and to sort it all out in his head.  His big, impulsive hug for me later showed me how thankful he was that I let him have some time and space today.  I still don’t know about the new seizure drug and what to do there, but I think I’ll give it some more time.  I think.  I did not get him his Friday goody bag.  He hasn’t even asked about it because he knows that he really messed up.  My mother heart wants to take care of him…..to blame the autism….to quote the professionals about his emotional deficits.  But I know he also needs consequences, and so the goody bag will not happen today.

I did take his glasses to the optometry shop.  “Wow!” the technician said.  “He sure did a number on them.”  I didn’t have Aaron with me because I wanted to explain what had happened, but not in front of Aaron. 

“Yes,” I agreed.  And I wanted to add, “You should see the number he’s done on my heart, and on the hearts of others.”  But of course I didn’t say that. 

By some miracle, the young man brought Aaron’s glasses back to me later, all fixed and ready for Aaron to wear again.  I wish it would be as easy to fix the situation of yesterday, but that will take more time. 

Later, Aaron and I took Jackson for a walk around our neighborhood circle.  It’s a beautiful day, perfect for a walk.  When we got home, Aaron quickly grabbed his mulch bucket and situated himself out in the flower bed for some mulch time.  He stayed there for nearly an hour, relaxing and sorting out his thoughts with each little piece of mulch that he broke.  It’s time that he needed…..quiet, peaceful, reflective time for him. 
 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if mulch would cure autism?  Or if mulch time would give me all the patience and wisdom that I need?  I would say, “Scoot over, Aaron!  Make room for me!  Will you share your bucket?”

I know every parent of autistic children can understand how helpless I sometimes feel.  How embarrassed at my son’s behavior.  How frustrated and then sad at his response. 

Then I think of Barb, who loves Aaron and who said, “Tomorrow’s a new day.  We’ll just put this behind us and go forward.”

And Melinda, who also loves Aaron, and who said, “Aaron informed me that I am NOT his sweetie poo anymore!  Well, he is still my sweetie poo.”

That makes me smile, and it makes me thankful for those that work with Aaron and love him even on the bad days.

We will, and we do, move forward.  Today Aaron said, “Mom, I’ll turn my monitor on tonight.”  It’s his way of telling me that he’s better now, and that he is ok with me…..mean old Mom of last night. 

Yep, it’s a new day and we will go forward.  And I just hope Aaron knows how many people cared for him when he messed up.

He’s still our sweetie poo!

 

 

I’m Glad You Took Care of Me

Aaron had two doctor appointments this week.  On Tuesday we went in for his yearly eye exam, and on Thursday we went to the dentist to have his teeth cleaned.  He very much prefers the eye exam.  For one thing, nothing hampers him from talking to his heart’s content at the optometry clinic.  No one has their hands in his mouth, doing uncomfortable procedures, and so he can talk and talk…..which he definitely did.  He charged right up to the check-in counter at the eye clinic and didn’t even say hello before he started telling the two receptionists all about Fallen Skies and alien skitters and the skitter-in-charge, named Cochise.

It’s just amazing how Aaron will launch right into his tall tales without one word of hello or a few words of explanation to get him started.  Nope, he just barrels right in to his review of whatever is currently on his mind, oblivious to the confused looks of those to whom he is talking.  Or he’ll mention his day group, Paradigm, or someone at Paradigm, as if these ladies know all about this place and those people……which they don’t, and so once again they are confused.  This is why one of my job descriptions is that of interpreter.  I definitely multi-task big time as I try to sign forms, go over insurance, check for information changes, and explain skitters. 

Thankfully these ladies were delighted with Aaron.  Their give and take with him only encouraged him to continue with his stories, and I had to urge him to finally hush and follow me to a chair.  His forced silence was short lived.  He was immediately called back to begin the exam, so he hardly missed a beat before he was telling a new person about Falling Skies and skitters and that he broke his glasses the week before.  He made me laugh as he did one of the eye tests, putting his hands up to the machine as if he was gazing at something exciting.  Maybe he thought he would see another skitter? 

 
The eye exam went well with patient Dr. Fisher……our friend, Brandon.  Of course, Aaron just had to tell him that he got in trouble for calling Stephanie a babe at Paradigm.  And there I was, proud Mom, wondering if I should explain.    Then it was on to get his new glasses.  Trying on glasses is Aaron’s least favorite part of this process.  It ranks right up there with trying on clothes.  He just doesn’t want frames that make him look like Clark Kent.  After that fact is established, he could care less.  And going over insurance is really boring to him.  Again, two understanding technicians and lots of laughs helped tremendously.  Soon we were eating lunch at Chili’s and all was great in Aaron’s world.

Thursday was teeth cleaning day.  The dental exam is really, really Aaron’s least favorite thing in the world to do.  Most of us don’t like teeth cleanings, and Aaron is no exception.  It’s uncomfortable for Aaron, plus he can’t talk and so it’s a long process of frustrating scraping and rinsing and forced silence.  I used to go back with him, but now I let him go alone.  I urge him to be mature…..plus it’s best for me to have an element of ignorance about what really goes on back there, on Aaron’s part.  I know he gets frustrated and impatient.  Once he bit the hygienist.  He said it was an accident.  I wasn’t totally convinced. 

Another part of it is that Aaron doesn’t want us to talk about how he doesn’t do a good job with brushing his teeth.  That’s why we have gone every four months for cleaning, and now have decided to go every two months.  Aaron starts getting angry if I talk about his teeth at home, if I try to help him at home, or when the dentist or hygienist is talking to me about Aaron’s teeth.  We try to keep it low key but with instruction for him, too, yet nothing really helps. 

Later, as he took full advantage of the Pizza Hut buffet, we mentioned his teeth just a little.  Most of the time we talked about whatever entered his mind as he thoroughly enjoyed the pizza and the salad.  I laughed at the dressing on his nose and the look on his face, and I had to tell him many times to talk softer as he was talking in high gear once again, like he was making up for the lost moments when his mouth was silent at the dentist’s office. 

 
We went to Sam’s for a few things.  On the way home we stopped at my elderly friend’s apartment.  Aaron hadn’t seen Nora’s new place.  I dropped off a sweater to her that I had repaired.  She was delighted to see Aaron.  Once again I was the interpreter as he told her about skitters and Paradigm this and that, and she stood there clueless.  She gave him a piece of candy, and he thanked her.  “Are you glad I said thank you?” he asked me as we left.  “Are you glad I told her hi?”  I told her that I was very thankful that he had practiced his manners.

Manners were a little absent later that night, however.  A lot absent, actually.  Like a light switching off….or on…..Aaron’s mood changed dramatically.  We haven’t seen that kind of change in a long time.  He instantly went from happy to angry as he prepared to go to bed.  He decided to focus on his teeth. 

“Mom, you make me feel like I’m bad in my mouth!  I’m not going back to them!!”

He slammed our bedroom door, and he slammed his bedroom door.  Then I heard him stomping up the hall, where he barged in our room yet again.  “I’m not going back to them!” he angrily said….referring to the dentist.  And he called me a name, several times.  This was surprising because Aaron has been so mellow lately.  I wondered if this foul mood was related to his new seizure drug, which can cause anger.  Or was he going to have some seizures.  Often, mood changes precede seizures. 

And sure enough, he had two hard seizures during the night, and another one yesterday morning as he lay on the couch.  He chewed the end of his tongue again, and wet the bed.  I wondered what he thought as he silently watched me yesterday morning in his bathroom, on my knees cleaning up the pee that was on the floor around the toilet.  He was unsteady when he got up and he told me this had happened. 

I thought about his anger the night before, and the name he had called me.  It would be easy sometimes to show anger right back to him, and I certainly have done that.  But that night before I had remained mostly silent, knowing that it was futile to reason with Aaron when he was so angry.  Now before our issue was resolved, I was on my knees cleaning up his mess…..because I love him.

Just like God loves me, I thought.  Here, once again, in my life with Aaron I have another example of God’s love for me, expressed unconditionally.  God loves me when I’m happy…..He loves me when I’m angry……and he cleans up my messes and he soothes my heart over and over again.  How can I do less with Aaron?

I washed all of Aaron’s bedding during the day as he slept on the couch, and was reminded again of God’s love for me as I love Aaron.  I’ll be doing this again, too, and so will God with me.  Faithful love is what God shows to me, and is what I need for Aaron, as well…..even with the still fresh reminder of Aaron’s anger the night before. 

Last night, when Aaron could no longer keep his eyes open, I helped him get in bed.  His covers were all clean and fresh.  He was ready to get in bed when he remembered that he needed to fill out his notebook.  He had written the time that he got up that morning, so now he wrote the time that he went to bed.  It was 9:52.  Then he asked me to put his snake and his skunk in the bed.  I laid Mr. Snake under the covers and Aaron stood there staring at him.  Then he told me to scoot him over a little, which I did.  Aaron stared again.  And I had to move Mr. Snake once more until he was finally in just the right place.  Then the skunk went in the bed, just right, and finally Aaron got slowly under the covers.

He gave a huge smile as he felt the weight and the warmth of the covers on his tired body.  We hugged and Aaron smiled again.  Then he laughed, and I asked him why. 

“I told Dad I’m glad you took care of me when I had a seizure,” he slowly said. 

All thoughts of anger and name calling vanished at that moment.  I was thankful for the privilege I have to take care of Aaron, and I told him that.  He smiled again as I pulled the covers up until just his smiling face was showing.  I turned off his light, and I closed his door…..and I thought of what a difference a day can make. 

What a difference knowing God makes, too.  I’m glad God takes care of me so that I can take care of Aaron.  And I’m glad that He continues to use Aaron in my life to teach me so many things about Himself. 

Everybody Breaks Things

Have I told you that Aaron doesn’t like for his world to be upset?  Yeah, I knew I had.  And I’ve also told you that when Aaron’s world is upset, Gary and I usually end up in the turmoil as well.  We were reminded of that fact last night, once again.

Yesterday was a fun day for Aaron.  He and I went to see Night at the Museum while Gary took care of some work around the house.  Aaron and I shared popcorn, which of course we couldn’t start eating until the movie had actually started. 

“Now, Aaron?” I asked as we sat down.

“No,” he answered.

“Now?” I asked again as the screen was showing all sorts of things to keep us entertained before the movie started.

“No,” he patiently repeated.

“Now?” I asked when the trailers began.

“No,” he said once more.  “Not until the movie STARTS!”

So when the movie started, he said, “Now!”  And I reached down for our bucket of popcorn, feeling like I was beginning a race.  Which it kind of was as Aaron ate fast and furiously, determined not to let me cheat him out of his fair share of popcorn with extra butter.  I had already confiscated most of his HUGE stash of napkins he managed to grab while I wasn’t looking, but he was NOT going to let me do the same with his popcorn!

After the movie, we ate a very unhealthy supper at Burger King…..but Aaron loved every bite, and I tried to eat mine without too much guilt.  We came home and watched Wheel of Fortune.  It was a nice day, full of Aaron’s favorites.  He went to bed happy, and ready to read a little in his Handy Answer Gardening Book.  He could care less about gardening and plants but it’s the next book in his order of books and so he MUST read it…..and he is…..Every. Single. Word.

We said our goodnights and Aaron finally settled in to read, after following me a couple times to my room.  Finally I was alone and able to start my bedtime routine.  Gary was still downstairs.  After some time, my door burst open and in stormed Aaron.  I was beginning my routine lecture about knocking before he enters when I looked up and saw his face.

His face looked flushed, and his eyes were wild.  He was breathless as he said, “Mom!  You have to come here!  I need you to see something!!”

I could tell that whatever the something was, I had better go see it now.  It didn’t matter about being tired and wanting to go to bed.  Aaron was desperate, and I could not imagine what was wrong.

He hurried up the hall to his room, with me following….full of dread.  We walked in his room and there it was.  Aaron had done something to his desk drawer.  His explanation wasn’t quite clear, but whatever he had done, the large center drawer to his new desk had broken.  All the items that were in the drawer were on the floor, as well as the drawer bottom and the front of the drawer with the handle. 

He was very, very upset…..a combination of wondering if he was in trouble to just being sick that his new desk was now broken.  He kept saying he was sorry, and saying he was scared, and trying to decide what to do, and if the desk could be fixed….and I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.  I felt very sorry for HIM, after the shock of what had happened quickly passed.  Gary came upstairs then, and we both assured Aaron that it was fine and that we would look at it tomorrow. 

Finally we were all in bed.  We hoped that Aaron would sleep.  He was so upset and agitated by what had happened.  Gary and I lay there, trying to go to sleep, when through the baby monitor we heard Aaron softly say, “I’m scared.”  I wanted to run in his room and assure him that it was OK, but I knew I needed to stay put and try to let him calm down.

After a few minutes, he spoke softly again.  “I should listen,” he said.  Oh dear!  I felt so bad.  How many times have I told him that he should listen when we tell him something?  Now he was saying those words as he lay there all alone, his mangled desk drawer a reminder of how he doesn’t listen.  Gary could read me even in the dark.  He told me that Aaron was all right.  I wanted to believe that.

Later, before Aaron went to sleep, he said something about a nightmare.  And I just prayed that Aaron would soon go to sleep, which he did, and finally Gary and I did, too. 

I heard Aaron stirring early this morning.  Once again, he spoke, saying something again about a nightmare.  When I got up soon after, I saw Aaron’s light on and so I went in his room.  He was sitting there at his computer, headphones on, with his feet trying to rest on the floor without touching any of the mess that was there from the broken drawer.  I patted his shoulder, and smiled at him as he looked at me.

He and I then picked up the items on the floor and put them in a plastic crate that was in his closet.  I placed the crate on his bed, and went on downstairs.  Soon Aaron followed, and in his arms he had the crate full of his stuff.  He set it on the kitchen table.  And I noticed how awful he looked.  His eyes were so tired.  He looked as if he had hardly slept.  All of this stress over a broken desk drawer!
 

As the morning wore on, he seemed a little better.  He clipped the few coupons that were in the paper, drank his coffee, and showered.  I carried his box of desk items back up to his room.  After his shower, he came back downstairs.  In his arms was the crate full of his desk stuff again, which he put back on the kitchen table. 

 
“You don’t want that in your room, do you?” I asked him.  He solemnly said no, so I left the crate there, knowing it wasn’t worth upsetting him further.  Gary told him that he thought he could fix the desk drawer, and I could see Aaron relax some.  Then I remembered something!

“Aaron, come look at something,” I told him.  He followed me into the guest room, where I showed him something that was laying on the bed.  It was the very nice frame from the beautiful framed piece that Megan, Andrew’s girlfriend, had given us for Christmas.  The frame I had broken one day, by accident…..but broken none the less.  I felt so horrible the day I broke that frame, but now I was almost thankful for it because I could use it to show Aaron that he wasn’t alone in how he felt.  He wasn’t alone in HIS brokenness.  So that’s what I told him.  I told him how I broke the frame and of how awful I felt about it.

“So everybody breaks things,” he quietly stated.

“Yes, we do,” I assured him.  “We all break things.”

And with that, Aaron was ok.  He went back to bed and slept for a couple hours, waking up fresh and happy once again, and with no talk of broken desk drawers or mess on the floor. 

He knows that Dad will try to fix the drawer…..and if anyone can fix the drawer, Dad can! 

And he knows that Mom recently broke something very special, and though Mom felt terrible about it, she was all right…..and he would be all right, too.

But most of all, Aaron knew that he was not alone and that he was forgiven.  And in that companionship and forgiveness, the world was right once more. 

Not just for Aaron, either.  It worked both ways, for Gary and me as well.  We share Aaron’s turmoil, yes, but we share the joy, too. 

Have I told you it works that way?  I’m sure I have. 

 

 

Lessons From the Bean Patch

“In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.”  We all know this famous quote by Benjamin Franklin.  I might add one more item to his short list of certainties:  hurt.  Please don’t think I’m being negative.  It’s just that the longer I live the more I see it…..the various hurts that impact lives and families.  It seems that no one is immune from sometime, somehow, having to face hurt.  And how we respond to those hurts is paramount to our happiness and even our health. 

Sadly, even Christians suffer hurts that are sometimes at the hands of others.  Like I said, none of us is immune from hurt.  As believers, we have a standard for dealing with hurt that goes far beyond any self-help book ever written.  Of course, I mean scripture.  But still, dealing with the pain of various hurts is very difficult…..and sometimes lasts for the rest of our lives. 

When forgiveness is sought by the offending party, and reconciliation is offered, then the healing can more easily begin.  This certainly is the desired outcome for anyone who has or is suffering from the hurts inflicted by others.  But what is one to do when forgiveness is not offered, and when the desire for reconciliation is rebuffed?

Which brings me to my bean patch from last summer.  Stay with me here.  Those who know me know that I learn many lessons from my simple life of household and outside chores.  So last summer, in June, Gary and I were gone for a week.  We returned from our trip to find that our garden had grown tremendously.  I saw right away that I had tons of green beans to pick.  Well, not tons but it felt that way as I bent down to examine the vines.  I had so much catching-up work to do after our trip that I was unable to make it out to the bean patch for a few days.

Finally, one early morning, I was able to pick the beans.  My five gallon bucket was full to the brim with all those beans.  Soon I called my neighbor to ask if she wanted some, and she gladly said yes…..so I trotted over to her house with a bag of beans for her family to enjoy.  It took me awhile to get back to my bucket of beans, which I washed carefully…..strung and snapped……and put on to cook.  As I worked with my beans, I began to fear that they weren’t in great shape.  And sure enough, when they finished cooking my fears were confirmed. 

I had tough beans.  Not only did I have tough beans in my pot, but I had shared my tough beans with my neighbor.   So I called her and I apologized for the inedible beans, after which I threw our tough beans away.  I knew the problem:  the beans had stayed on the vine way too long.  As they lingered on that vine, under the hot Kansas sun, they toughened until they were of no use.  I needed to pick them days earlier, but I hadn’t done that….so my beans were tough and useless. 

This bean experience made me think of a situation that Gary and I have had…..and in some ways are still experiencing.  It has to do with hurt, as I mentioned earlier.  The hurt that is not handled…..is not dealt with properly…..and does not result in reconciliation.  Over the years of our situation, Gary and I have learned some things…..some do’s and don’ts of dealing with unreconciled hurts.  Maybe some of you can benefit from a few of the lessons that we’ve learned in the hard classroom of a hurting heart. 

FORGIVE:  It’s much easier, I believe, to forgive someone when they do as Luke 17:3 says:  when they truly repent and ask for forgiveness.  But what is one to do when the offending party doesn’t repent….doesn’t ask for or seek forgiveness?  We are to, simply, still forgive.  God’s commands are clear, given for a reason.  It is always our responsibility to forgive. 

But how do I forgive when the person who has done the hurting doesn’t ask for, or even seem to want, my forgiveness?  I asked my brother, Dr. John King, about this issue.  He reminded me that the word for “forgiveness” in the Bible often has the meaning of the word ‘release.’  It’s the word used of a fisherman releasing his fishing line…..casting it out and away from him.  Likewise, I am to do some releasing.

I am to release the offender to God.  I do this over and over and over, maybe for the rest of my life.  When I feel anger, resentment, old memories surface, when I see this person……whatever it may be…..I once again should make it a matter of my will to once again release this person to God.

I also am to release my anger and my bitterness to God, realizing that these emotions are sin.  I may be able to rationalize them, but they are still sin….and so I release them to God.

I release any right I may think I have to get even, to gossip, to undermine this person.  Do I fail at this?  You bet!  And that’s why I’m so thankful for God’s continuing forgiveness of my own sin. 

BE FAITHFUL:  Gary and I could easily have walked away from our situation.  Nothing was holding us there…..except God….and people that we loved.  So we stayed in ministry and service, and we were so blessed beyond description during that time.  Staying also gives the offenders more of an opportunity to make things right.

And even beyond that description of faithfulness, and more importantly, is to simply be faithful to God.  Don’t give up on your faith because others, especially others of faith, have brought such hurt into your life.  Their actions should bear no impact on your own walk with the Lord.

WATCH YOUR OWN HEART:  Going along with the above is the admonition that David often wrote about in the Psalms:  Search my heart, O God, and see if there be any hurtful way in me.  Gary often told me, and our children, to not focus on the others but to focus on our own hearts.  Each of us needed to search our own hearts every day, and let God deal with everyone else.  If I’m busy concentrating on my own heart, and my own standing before God, I won’t have time or desire to be looking at anyone else.

SERVE:   Gary and I were, thankfully, already in some ministries that allowed us to serve those who had hurt us.  Though at times it was very difficult to do that, we knew that God wanted us to serve and to do so with a glad heart.  Those times truly aided in our healing.  It’s just an example of how God’s ways often don’t make sense to us, but His ways work! 

Once again, my brother talked to me about Proverbs 25:21-22.  There are varying meanings associated with this passage that talks about heaping coals of fire on your enemy’s head, but I love the picture that John gave me.  He talked about how in those ancient times, when a person’s fire would die, they would often go to someone and ask for a coal in order to restart their fire.  So what should a person do if his enemy came to the door asking for a coal?  John said that God would want His people to give them not just one coal, but heaping coals of fire.  I love that word picture! 

Pour a cup of coffee, prepare a meal, send a card, make a phone call……there are many avenues of service that can reach out to ones who would least expect it from us. 

PRAY:  Another way to serve and to bless those who have wronged us is to pray for them.  Pray for them and for their families, not just for the situation in which you find yourselves with them.  And pray for your own heart and attitude to be what God would want it to be.

DO NOT DELIGHT IN HARD TIMES:  One early morning, Gary came upstairs from his study and told me about a verse that God had impressed upon him.  The verse is Proverbs 24:17: “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles.”  Gary felt strongly that he and I both needed to be careful to not ever rejoice if any bad things happened to those who had wronged us.  There have been times that God has reminded me of that verse, and times that I have prayed for these as they have faced struggles, instead of delighting in their hardships.

And finally:

GUARD YOUR MIND AND THOUGHTS:  In Philippians 4:8, Paul gives an extensive list of things upon which our minds are to dwell.  It’s painful for me to read that verse because I see how often I have failed…..and fail daily…..to follow its admonition.  I believe this is especially true….the part about failing….when your heart is hurting and you are wanting to be vindicated.  I need to constantly remember that God will do any vindicating that is necessary, and that I am responsible to guard my thoughts.

Unresolved relationships can eat away at our souls like an acid.  Solomon warned us in Ecclesiastes 11:10 about this.  “Remove vexation from your heart,” he said.  Another version says, “Remove grief and anger from your heart.”  In other words, quit dwelling on all that grief and anger.  Continually dwelling on those hurts has been one of the hardest things for me to overcome…..and I won’t pretend that I’ve accomplished that yet.  I’m better, but I’m still at times overwhelmed with thoughts that pull me down into pain again.

And so I go back to that concept of releasing…..praying…..and watching my own heart.  Over and over again, because the issues were not resolved and the relationships not restored. 

Gary and I were finally forced to leave our situation.  We left…..but it has never left us.  And I’m back again to the bean patch.

Because Gary and I are still hanging on the vine.  BUT…..we don’t want to be tough or bitter, like our beans were.  How much better it would have been if the situation had been handled fully and quickly, like the beans that I harvested the week following the picking of the tough beans.  The new beans that grew were picked quickly, and they were perfect……crisp and delicious. 

Well, the response we have is totally up to us.  There are no excuses for our reaction to still being on the vine.  We can choose to be tough, or we can choose to obey God’s principles and still be growing in the way He wants.  To be better, not bitter. 

Remember how I shared my tough beans with my neighbor?  I don’t want to share bitterness with others over our pain.  I don’t want to be tough to those I encounter, or to my family, or especially to the Lord.  I know it’s been a process for me, but I pray that God will use my pain to produce tenderness in my life and heart….not toughness.  To not cast blame, but to take responsibility for my own actions and reactions.  To speak truth, but not with hatefulness or anger.

I had to throw away all those tough beans…..but not the lessons they have taught me.  I know that these lessons will always be with me.  I hope that my sharing them has helped you, too.