Category: Contentment

Lessons From the Back Yard Walk

Sunday was a beautiful fall day here in Kansas.  We’ve enjoyed many gorgeous days recently.  Now the leaves are beginning to turn, the grass is browning in certain spots, and there’s just that autumn feel in the air despite the warm temperatures during the day. 

On Sunday afternoon, Aaron wanted to take a walk.  I thought about going to a nearby park, but I just didn’t feel like driving there.  I had things I needed to do at home, like wash Jackson’s bedding after bathing him outside…..and football, I’ll admit.  I was feeling a little guilty about not taking our walk in a park as Aaron and I set out to take a stroll around our back yard, Jackson trotting happily around us.  He loves taking walks, no matter where it is.  And our back yard is good for him with soft grass to pad his paws and to protect his aging joints.

Our back yard is large, so we have plenty of space to walk.  We can take our time….it’s rather secluded…..and we can sit on our picnic bench under the old oak tree as we relax near the end of our meandering.  Yet still I felt a little guilty for not getting out somewhere else.  It just seems more exciting to go to Swanson Park or Sedgwick County Park.  Staying at home feels a little dull…..a little common…..unfulfilling, in a way. 

Yet as Aaron and I walked, with Jackson sniffing all around and eating some of his favorite grass, I soon noticed some very pretty little lilac flowers growing near the area where our neighborhood lake backs into our property during the wet season.  It’s all dry now.  The frogs and turtles are not to be seen.  But these little lilac flowers were plentiful and pretty, grabbing my attention.  I stopped to admire them, pointing them out to Aaron. 

 

Then I saw these beautiful scarlet plants growing nearby, as we rounded the bend in the yard. 

 

And on the tree line were these berries, colored a soft blue, growing on our evergreens.

 

There were leaves turning a bright shade of yellow.

 

And red berries growing in abundance, reminding me of Christmas soon to come.

 

We worked our way up to the vegetable garden, which is normally gasping its last at this time of year.  And even though we were surrounded by brown ugliness, the remains of dead squash, and plentiful weeds, there were still signs of life and beauty when we took the time to pause and really look.

There was an okra bloom.

 

An eggplant still flowering.

 

Some tomatoes nestled away, ready for picking.

 

And the cutest little ladybug!

 

Aaron and I sat on the picnic bench for awhile, with Jackson still exploring and smelling everything of interest.  I loved the breeze, the smell of the air, and the time with Aaron.  As I sat there, I thought about how much beauty is in our old normal back yard.  We’re so used to it here that sometimes I don’t take the time to stop and really look around.  Time to really see what lovely blessings I have in our own plain back yard.  It’s really not necessary to think I must always go somewhere else for a fulfilling, beautiful walk when I can walk out my back door and see our own beauty right here.

Sometimes the mundane becomes just that……mundane.  I fail to look around and fully appreciate all the beauty that God has placed in my life.  I especially have those feelings during stressful times, or during times when I compare my life with others who seem to have it “better.”  We live in a world where we are bombarded with how the new and the different is what we need. 

Yet all around us, in our own lives, we can see wonderful things if we but pause and really look….if we look with open eyes and grateful hearts.  We don’t always need to have something bigger and better to be happy.  True contentment comes in being aware that we are just where God has placed us, for just this time in our lives, for the purpose of praising Him and showing others Who He is.  Pointing out God’s goodness and His grace as we walk in the mundane.

And the mundane will become a gorgeous display of God’s finest color in our lives!  For you see, nothing is mundane with God.  Even our lives, sometimes dreary and full of burdens, are a picture of the grace and beauty of God.  When we grasp that fact, then it’s easier to pause and see more of what’s in our own back yard.  There are simple, sweet pictures all around us of beauty and blessing if we but take the time to look…..to ponder…..to appreciate the usual as being the exception. 

I am truly a blessed and privileged person, every single day and in every single setting.  Home, hospital, doctor’s office…..alone or with others…..healthy or sick…..hungry or full……motivated or depressed. 

David said it perfectly in Psalm 34.  “O taste and see that the Lord is good!”  And again, “…they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing.”

Even in our own back yard!

 

It’s My Choice

“I am NOT going to Paradigm today!!” Aaron yelled at me. 

Here we go, I thought.  This will be one of those mornings.  And it was.  It all happened last Friday.  I’m not even sure what set Aaron on that anger path, but he was on it for sure with no apparent sign that he would exit anytime soon. 

“Go away from me!” he loudly said. 

Yet he kept coming into my room while I got ready, standing there telling me angrily that he wasn’t going to his day group.  But he knew the consequences of that decision without me uttering a word.  No Friday pizza.  He was in quite the dilemma as he stood there asserting himself, knowing that the further he dug his own hole, the further away he would be from his pizza supper.  Plus I wasn’t responding back to him the way he wanted.  He wanted anger from me, which would only feed his anger.  Aaron was ready for a verbal fight, and Mom wasn’t cooperating.  I stayed as calm as possible while still being firm, even though I wanted to yell every bit as loud as he was. 

Finally Aaron stomped away, walking up the hall to his room.  And then I heard it.  Aaron threw something up the hall, where it landed on the floor outside of my bedroom.  I knew what it was without looking.  It was his watch…..his broken wrist watch.  He had broken it at Paradigm almost two weeks earlier, although the details are still unclear. Nevertheless, it was broken and I didn’t replace it immediately.  So on this anger morning, Aaron decided to focus his anger on his broken watch….demanding a new one once again and complaining about how much he needed his watch. 

Aaron could tell that I was getting ready to leave the house, with or without him.  “OK!!  I’ll go, if you’re going to MAKE me!!” he said, dripping with frustration.  I silently went to the van, where he followed me and then stopped.

“Wait!” he said.  “I have to get my watch.”

He went back into the house and retrieved his broken watch, stuffing it in his pocket.  He couldn’t wear it on his arm, but every day he had put it in his pocket and taken it with him anyway.  Today was no different.  We were mostly silent on the way to Paradigm.  It was later than usual.  Aaron was sullen and still steaming.  I was deflated and tired. 

Earlier, as my friend Atha and I texted, I had said to her, “There are times I truly wish for a normal life.”  I always feel guilty after expressing myself that way, for I know that this life is what God has somehow allowed me to have.  I want to be like Esther, who came to realize that God in His sovereignty had put her in the place she was for that particular time.  Yet sometimes the place of us special needs moms seems to just be a place of frustration and dreary sameness.  We do get tired, especially on the angry days such as I was having with Aaron.

He got out of the van, still irate but somewhat calmer.  I just drove away, weary.  But I thought about Aaron with his broken watch in his pocket, carrying it with him all that day.  He also carries something else with him, something that often feels broken.  My heart and spirit.  A mother is a mother, forever changed by the children that carry part of her with them for the rest of their lives.  Aaron isn’t the broken one, but I often am.  I need God’s grace and strength so many times on this road, and He never fails me.  But I still feel the pain in my heart, my heart that Aaron unknowingly carries with him…..tucked away, just like his broken watch.

 
Later, I walked in the house and my eyes were drawn to a very little porcelain figure perched on top of our DVD player.  Aaron and I had set it there a couple weeks earlier.  I thought of the story told by that little figure, the love it represents.

Aaron had been to the zoo on Friday of that week.  He came home, excited to tell me about his favorite animals that he saw.  When I asked him if he had bought anything to eat, he told me that he had not bought any food but had instead bought something for me.  But with regret he told me that he had left it at Paradigm. 

“I can’t tell you what it is, Mom!” he exclaimed.  “It’s a surprise!!”

So when I took him to Paradigm after the weekend, on Monday, he was very excited for me to come inside with him so that he could hopefully locate his surprise for me.  He barreled into Barb’s office with me in tow, and Barb immediately pulled out of her desk a small brown bag from the zoo.  Aaron couldn’t wait for me to open it as he handed it to me.  And there inside the bag, wrapped in bubble wrap, was….well, what was it?  It was so tiny that I couldn’t exactly tell.  Aaron was rubbing his hands together as I gingerly pulled out a little porcelain zebra.  Why a zebra?  I have no idea.  But I loved it.  I loved the fact that Aaron had spent all of his money on Mom…..even though I worried that he went hungry.  What a special, loving gift from my son!

Now it sits on top of our DVD player, where it’s mostly safe from being broken.  You can hardly see it from across the room, it’s so little.  But the joy on Aaron’s face when I opened it was huge, and so was the joy in my heart. 

My heart, like all mom’s, holds at times great joy and then at times great hurt.  As with every situation in my life, then, I have a choice to make.  I can’t ignore the hurt forever and I can’t capture the joy forever.  We all experience both.  But I can choose which to dwell on the most. 

I can linger on the brokenness and carry it with me, like the watch in Aaron’s pocket as he carried it there day after day.  Or I can choose to see the beauty, hard as it may be, that does often surround me in my life with Aaron.  Brokenness or beauty…..it’s my choice.  In every area of life, that choice is mine to consciously make.  As I deal with Aaron, it’s also a decision I must choose. 

Will I see Aaron as a blessing?  Or will I see Aaron as a burden?  Will I allow my grumbles and sighing and my desire sometimes for a “normal” life rule my thoughts?  Or will I pull back, take a breath and pray to my heavenly Father, and then choose to see the blessings?  Even at the end of the day, if all I can say is, “Well, at least Aaron and I are both still alive.”  Hey, I’ll take it!  It’s a blessing!!

On that angry Friday, that tiny zebra reminded me that I do have many blessings and joys in this life with Aaron.  Sometimes they’re harder to see than at other times.  Sometimes my spirit is very frustrated and tired…..but so is everyone.  Really, we all experience plenty of both in our lives. 
 

What will it be? 

Brokenness…..or beauty?

Burden……or blessing?

A text from Atha this morning was perfect:  “Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name.  For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.”

 

 

Lessons From the Weedy Crepe Myrtles

Gary and I were working in our garden, tending the vegetables and yanking out the unwanted weeds earlier this spring when I looked over and noticed another area that needed tending.  We have several tall Crepe Myrtles that are on the street side of the garden.  It was early spring, and I saw that all of them were crowded with weeds.  The weeds had become so thick that I knew if there was any hope of the Crepe Myrtles growing then I would need to pull those weeds…..sooner rather than later. 
 

After we finished the garden, I grabbed my little shears and I walked over to the row of Crepe Myrtles.  It seemed that there were only weeds growing until I bent over to take a closer look.  That’s when I saw that there were small new shoots of Crepe Myrtle poking through the thick weeds, trying hard to thrive but having to fight the persistent, fast growing weeds that threatened to crowd out their future growth. 

I began to do some snipping here and some cutting there, but I soon realized that I would need to slow down and take my work to a more personal level.  I got on my knees and slowly, carefully pulled more weeds from among the tender shoots of the bush that was trying so hard to grow.  I didn’t want to pull the small green and maroon Crepe Myrtle growth from the ground, so I had to carefully identify each weed and then gently pull it from the ground by its roots.  This was slow going, but it was worth it when I finally stood and looked down to see only pretty new Crepe Myrtle growth, unhindered now by the noxious weeds.

 
Over the next few weeks I was very pleased to see the Crepe Myrtles getting taller and taller, thriving in the rain and the sun.  They could grow now and show their beauty.  And just yesterday, as I pulled weeds from around our vegetables in the garden, I looked over to our little row of Crepe Myrtles and was so happy to see how tall they were.  How healthy they looked!  They will bloom now any day, a little late this year, but we will enjoy their blooms regardless.  I think I’ll enjoy those pretty fuchsia flowers even more this year as I think of how carefully I had to remove what was threatening to kill their beauty.

 
This has been a rather difficult summer for me…..for our family.  My mother passed away on May 4 and we buried her the Friday before Mother’s Day.  Then in June Aaron was in the hospital for a week with pneumonia and other complications, and had a long recovery when he came home.  I got sick a week after he got home, and am still finishing up my third round of antibiotics for that infection.  Last week Andrea, in Houston, got pneumonia in both her lungs. 

Those have been big things, like the big weeds in the Crepe Myrtles.  Sometimes the big things that bring exhaustion and discouragement are easier to deal with because they are so evident.  We expect to be tired and downhearted from issues like death and severe sickness, or prolonged illness.  We can identify the big problem and hopefully understand it as we deal with it, or as we ask others to pray for us over those matters.  It’s out there for all to see, including us, and so we can talk about it and handle it.

But deep in my heart, I’ve had another problem.  It’s not out there for all to see, and is even difficult for me to adequately identify and then deal with as I should.  I call it a spirit of discontentment.  It’s a gnawing unhappiness that I find creeping up in my soul, threatening to choke out my joy and my growth.  People can say, “Oh Patty, you’ve had such a hard time the last few months.  It’s just so much to handle.”  And while some of that may be true, I know better. 

I know better because I know my tendency to become discontent.  I’m like the Psalmist who said, “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?”  (Psalm 42:5)  I know myself very well, but I don’t always want to admit the problem.  That’s when I need to get up close and personal, like I did when I was on my knees beside the Crepe Myrtles, pulling out each individual choking weed that was stunting needed growth.  Sometimes it’s painful to identify the issue and to then take care of it in the necessary way, but it’s the only avenue to becoming content and peaceful once more.

My discontentment begins when I take my eyes off of God and His sovereignty in my life.  It’s when I allow myself the “luxury” of a wandering thought life.  What if I had this?  What if life was like that?  Why don’t I do such and such?  Why am I a failure?  If only I did this or had that or accomplished something, then I would be happy.  And as a woman, especially, that ugly comparing game.  How often we do that, whether it’s about our house or our figure or our work or our children or our husbands…..

It’s all so defeating.  And the bottom line with me, the very damaging weed that I need to get rid of the most, is an attitude of unthankfulness.  Paul tells us to be thankful in everything.  That means EVERY THING!  Every situation, every day, every person in our life, every moment, can and should prompt us to be thankful.  Even when we don’t feel like being thankful, there is always a reason for which to give thanks.  We may have to look hard, but it’s a command to be thankful.  Even if I can’t find a reason, I am still to be thankful to God for what He has allowed.  For me, a thankful heart is like pulling out many weeds that are choking me.  A thankful word on my lips and a thankful thought in my brain often takes a very conscious effort, but it does so much to sweep away that discontentment that makes me so down and miserable.

After the Psalmist asked the question about his turmoil in Psalm 42:5, he finished by saying, “Hope in God!  For I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.”  Sounds simple, but we know it isn’t always so.  Down on my knees I will go again and again, I am sure, to weed out the attitudes that are causing my discontent.  Remembering to hope in God and not in my surroundings.  And then knowing that I SHALL again praise Him, even if it’s while I’m on my knees doing that weeding and I don’t really feel like praising.  But praise I should, for He is my salvation and He is my God.  What a gift!  There it is.  Something for which to be thankful!

I want to be growing into the beauty that God has for me, like my Crepe Myrtles are now growing.  But I know it takes effort on my part to be obedient to what God tells me to do…..to be on my knees pulling out those weeds that are trying to destroy my joy.   

Oh, there’s more to that verse.  More to help me when I mess up.  “My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember You from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mt. Mizar.”

In other words, when I am cast down again….and I will be…..then I can remember the God who has strengthened and enabled me in the past.  He is still here in my present situation, whatever it may be. 

Weeds always grow, but God is always faithful, too.  And for that I am…..very thankful!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Count Your………Our………..MY Blessings!

It’s been one of those mornings.  You know……..one of THOSE mornings.  I went to bed bothered by worrisome issues that I should not go to bed being bothered by……….those worrisome issues.  Can’t end that sentence in a preposition.  🙂    I went to my new location in Andrea’s old room that I’ve set up for myself……..a new desk and an alone place to have my quiet time.  The new location didn’t seem to help.  I felt stifled and ineffective in my time with the Lord this morning.  Distracted…….and thinking that I needed to dodge my prayers that were bouncing off the ceiling, going no where.  Is Satan unhappy about my desire for a more intimate time with the Lord?  Perhaps.

Later, I looked at the weather forecast and the upcoming week of temps above 100 and no rain only increased my weariness.  Our scratchy dog with allergies; laundry waiting to be washed or put away; dishes to take care of; even a Supreme Court ruling and an election in Egypt that I don’t agree with were piling up in my mind.  Talk about taking on the cares of the world.  Come on, Patty.  This is really ridiculous!

After my shower, I heard good old Aaron in the hall.  “Mom?”  I told him that I would be out in a minute.  I could tell that I would have very little patience with him today………shame on me.  He thumped downstairs to take his pills and thumped back up to see if we could now talk.  I again told him to wait……….and when I did open my door, he was in his room and promptly told me to come look at his finger.  He held it up for me as I walked in, and there it was………….his index finger, all wrapped up in a bloody band-aid.

My patience was even less now.  “Mom, last night I had some loose skin and so I used my knife to cut it off.” Oh Aaron.  We’ve heard this story before and I knew what was coming………..and it did.   He wanted to know if he should have used his little pocket knife to cut off the skin; why not?; what would I use?; that he couldn’t help it that the knife slipped, etc., and etc.  I removed the band-aid and saw the raw wound where he had cut or pulled off his loose skin.  I could feel my irritation increasing.  I told him to go shower…………his whole body, by the way, not just his finger!  I know how he thinks.

Aaron showered and then came to my bathroom, where I further cleaned and medicated and dressed his wound.  He could sense my mood and so he scurried on downstairs, deciding to get his own coffee and carry it to his room himself without bothering his moody mom.  Soon I heard, “Mom, I spilled some coffee but I’ll clean it up.”  Oh goodness, Aaron!  Where did you spill coffee?  “On the stairs.  I’ll clean it up!”  No, Aaron…….I’ll get it.  All the while, I was muttering under my breath about how this is the last thing I needed and why did he have to carry the coffee up himself when he’s so shaky and of all mornings…………

Then I saw the spill, which looked more like a gushing of coffee.  It was splattered on several stairs, but one stair in particular was soaked with coffee.  Oh Aaron!  Look at this mess!  Next I saw coffee on the living room floor, so got the Swiffer and mopped that section.  I headed for the soppy stairs, with Aaron saying, “I’ll clean it up, Mom!”  But I grabbed towels and began the clean-up, while Aaron then said, “Here, I’ll help.”  He proceeded to carry a wad of paper towels from the kitchen into the living room and instead of heading for the stairs where I was, he started wiping off the piano.  WHAT??!!  Sure enough, some coffee had splattered onto the piano and Aaron was working to clean up the brown spots…………….while he stood on the still-wet floor.  I went from unhappy to unhappier, all the while muttering about how my nerves couldn’t take much more and of all mornings and please, Aaron, don’t talk right now………..

I continued my shallow thinking as I realized that I would indeed have a bad hair day, no matter what I did to try to improve the mess on my head.  The clothes I chose to wear today didn’t help any, nor did the sandals.  No time to change all that now.  Of all days for me to have a doctor appointment, I moaned to myself.  Little annoyances for the remainder of the morning reminded me of my misery.  Aaron and I hurried out the door, stopping at the grocery store on our way to meet his group.  I had promised him a Cheddar Pasta Salad to take to his group.  Of all mornings to need to leave early, I grumbled.

At the deli counter, as we waited to be served, Aaron began to notice all the dishes.  He leaned over and oohed and aahed over the Deviled Egg Potato Salad, The Layered Salad, the Fruit Salad, the German sandwiches, the Spaghetti Salad…………and his joy over simple food began to silence my distasteful attitude.  He had moved beyond spilled coffee, bad hair, wounded finger, scratchy dog, and hot temps.  He noticed the good things before him.  As we walked out with not only his Cheddar Pasta Salad, but also a bottle of flavored water and some Skittles, he chattered happily about anything and everything.  If I wasn’t listening, I would have missed his observation that the entrance sidewalk at the Warren Theater is, in his words, “…….twinkle stone.  Does it have jewelry in it, Mom?”

I had to pause in my heart and smile.  As we drove to meet his group, I told him that I was sorry about my attitude that morning.  He didn’t say a word, but I  know he filed that apology in his mind.  I needed to say it and he needed to hear it from his grouchy mother this morning.  Later, at Sassy Nails, I sat across from a stranger – another mom – while our toes dried.  We talked and she shared how her sister had died of cancer, and how through it all she had blessings to be thankful for.  This woman, this mom, this sister, had no idea about how much I needed to hear those words.  How easy it is to let the slight troubles of my life ruin my disposition and take my mind off the Lord!

So I have counted my blessings for the rest of the day:
1.  The spilled coffee matches the carpet, especially in the dim light.
2.  A coffee smell on the stairs beats a dog smell any day.
3.  The living room needed to be mopped anyway.
4.  My new pink toes hopefully took the doctor’s eyes away from my bad hair.
5.  I do have hair.
6.  It may be 107 degrees outside, but we have working AC inside.
7.  It may be 107 degrees outside, but I don’t have to be outside working.
8.  It may be 107 degrees outside, but we have water for our thirsty garden.
9.  Our neighbors have to  move for various hard reasons, and the man taking pics of their house this morning wasn’t taking pics of our house.
10.  I have a faithful God; loving husband and children; and Aaron to remind me of what’s important.

And I have forgiveness – God’s forgiveness – and even Aaron’s forgiveness……..unspoken but there none the less.