Category: Family

Sharing Aaron

Share:  to partake of, experience, or enjoy with others.

Aaron, for some unknown reason, has been in a sharing mood lately.  It’s encouraging to Gary and me to see positive traits such as this in Aaron.  Anytime he thinks of others beyond himself, besides slapping them on the back or making a rude remark about them, makes us surprised and thankful.  His sharing of late has come in the form of bringing us little portions of his special snacks.  A couple cashews here, a few gummy bears there, a piece of gum thrown in the mix……it’s all been part of his sharing frame of mind recently.  Never mind that we are often fearful of actually putting any food item that Aaron brings us in our mouths.  We just never know where those hands of his have been, if you know what I mean.  According to our scientist daughter, being exposed to germs helps to build our immune systems.  Therefore, Gary and I should never be sick again in our natural lifetime. 

There are other forms of sharing that go on with Aaron, as well.  During supper a few days ago, Aaron told us about the song “YMCA” and how he had heard it on the radio in his day group van.  Aaron liked this song and he wanted to tell us all about it, and to ask lots of questions about it.  I noticed that Gary was on his phone and in just a few moments he held his phone up for Aaron to see and to listen…..to The Village People singing “YMCA.”  I just stopped eating and watched this scene.  Gary held his phone for Aaron as he watched Aaron’s reaction to the song and to the antics of The Village People as they did all the funny motions.  I watched Aaron’s face, too, but also Gary’s as I enjoyed the pure delight brought on by this simple moment.  Soon Gary pulled up another group, wanting to watch Aaron’s face when he told him to guess the name of this next group…..The Monkees!  Aaron laughed and we laughed as we both enjoyed the look of more delight on Aaron’s face.  “Yeah, yeah, we’re the Monkees…….”  

We were sharing Aaron…..and it was so much fun.

On Saturday afternoon, while Gary was immersed in being our IT man and working on my computer, I asked Aaron if he wanted to go out with me to do a little shopping.  He stood in the bathroom while I fixed my hair, hovering, thinking that his hovering would make me hurry and we could get this show on the road.  Soon he was coughing.  “You made my breath feel strong because of hair spray!” he sputtered.  That’s when he decided to wait for me downstairs.

Aaron’s all about shopping, always hoping that he’ll come home with some treat or item that’s just for him.  On the way to Big Lots, he asked, “Mom, is it about clothes?”  I assured him that this trip wasn’t about clothes, and he was able to relax then.  He helped me look at seasonal rugs, and then off we headed for Petco, where I told him I wanted to look for dog bed covers for Jackson……no rugs at Petco for me….and no clothes. 

We struck gold before we even got in the store, because there in the parking lot was a couple with a cart full of four amazingly adorable Mastiff puppies.  Aaron headed straight for them and they gladly let him pet their puppies.  Once in the store, Aaron had to show me the fish….the hamsters….the gerbils….the various birds….the ferret…..   I commented on how much the ferret cage smelled, so as we left the store, Aaron took it upon himself to stop at the front counter.  He didn’t care that there were people standing in line.  He stopped and informed the cashier that his mom said the ferret stunk, as he laughed and rubbed his hands together, and everyone stared at him…..and mom told Aaron to come on as she walked out the door like nothing at all was unusual.   Sharing Aaron…..

We ran into Bed, Bath, and Beyond….which Aaron confused with Bath and Body Works, so he was hoping it didn’t stink like all those things do in that store.  He didn’t mind the ferret but he thinks Bath and Body Works stinks?  Anyway, we found nothing in BBB, so I told him we would go to Kohl’s next…..and I didn’t tell him it has clothes.  We talked about fall, and I told him that I like this time of year and the colors of the trees.  “Yeah,” Aaron said.  “They don’t have leafs.” 

There were no rugs in Kohl’s, but Aaron found the coolest spider soap dispenser ever.  I would have hurried right by it, but not Aaron.  “Mom!!” he exclaimed loudly.  “Look at this!”  Others looked, too……sharing Aaron.

I suggested that we look inside Ross, right next door to Kohl’s, so Aaron gladly trotted along beside me…..ready to explore a new store.  It only took a second for him to see the hanging skeleton just inside the door…..and you know the rest.  We finally made it to the rug aisle, and looked at several styles and colors.  I would unfold one and look at it……put it back on the shelf and unfold another one……several times.  Aaron was about done with this silly rug business.  “Mom, you can’t make up your decision with rugs!” he said with a small measure of patience.  So I quickly made up my decision…..the one with dots, as Aaron described it, and we went to stand in the check-out line.

There were several customers in front of us on this busy Saturday.  While standing there, Aaron found a bag of gummy bears that I agreed to buy him.  He held his gummy bear bag but he was observing everything around him, as always.  At one of the counters there stood a man making his purchases…..a man with a very modern Mohawk hair cut…..and I should have seen it coming.

“Look at that guy’s hairdo!” Aaron broadcasted loudly.  The young lady in front of us turned and smiled while I smiled back, and also while I told Aaron to please try hard to whisper……but to try even harder not to comment on people…..in any way, shape, or form.  Please!  Not in ANY way, shape, or form whatsoever!  Sharing Aaron…..

We were finally driving home, rug and Aaron in tow…..and I was so thankful that either Aaron didn’t notice the other Mohawk hairdo man coming in the door as we left…..or he just decided that he would listen to Mom for a change and not comment.  Probably the former.  Anyway, as I drove Aaron said, “Mom, sometimes Brian at Paradigm does this.”  And I looked over to see Aaron comically trying to make his facial muscles move.  “And flaps his ears!” Aaron finished.   I laughed at the thought of flapping ears, which made Aaron very happy.  Sharing Aaron…..

Later that night, as I sat at my desk doing some things, I heard Aaron coming up the stairs.  Without saying a word, he plopped down several gummy bears for me.  I thanked him while determining in my mind if I should eat them, but Aaron walked away and I was saved from that decision for the moment.  But in just a minute I once again heard him coming upstairs, where he put even more gummy bears on my desk…..and walked out quickly.  Down the stairs he went…..and wouldn’t you know, soon he was headed back up.  He walked in my room again, but this time he didn’t leave me any gummy bears.  Instead he reached down and took some off my personal pile of gummies, smiled, and started out the door.

“Are those for dad?” I guessed.  And he said they were for Dad, and thumped down two sets of stairs to give his gummy gift to Dad.  Aaron sharing….

I looked down at my remaining gummy bears and saw three soft bears there on my desk calendar.  Three bears…..Aaron, Gary, and me, I thought.  How perfect! 

Gary and I, sharing life and sharing Aaron.

And Aaron, sharing with us…..more than just gummy bears.  Sharing his unique way of living, in many different ways, shapes, and forms. 

 

 

What Wasn’t and What Was and What Should Have Been


We’ve had a few interesting days with Aaron.  I think the older that Aaron becomes, the more evident his autism behaviors are.  And boy, we’ve seen some good ones recently!  I’m using “good” in a loose sense.   I’ve never been the kind of mom that tries to blame my child’s poor behavior on anything other than his willful disobedience.  “Yes, I know my child destroyed your flower bed, but he’s just tired.  He didn’t have his nap today.”  Nope, that was not me.  But with Aaron, we see more clearly with each year that his behaviors are indeed the result of something that we sometimes barely understand and can rarely control.  Of course, some things he does are very funny or amazing…..but not always.  
Take the fishing trip that wasn’t.  Rosie’s mom had told me about Fishing Without Boundaries several weeks ago, but I dismissed it as something that Aaron wouldn’t want to do.  He doesn’t like to fish…..he doesn’t like being out in the heat all day…..he doesn’t like crowds for long periods…..he doesn’t like his routine messed up.  I’m not being negative.  I just know Aaron.  But there’s one thing I didn’t take into account…..Rosie.
I was in the garden a couple weeks ago when Aaron came home from his day group.  I looked up when I heard the back door open and heard Aaron’s unmistakable, “Mom!!”  I looked up to see him marching resolutely across the yard toward the garden….and me.  “Mom!!” he repeated.  “I’m going fishing!!!”  He was so excited, and I was so surprised.  It took me awhile to figure it out, but I eventually learned that Aaron wanted to go to the Fishing Without Boundaries event at El Dorado Lake.  
Over the next couple days I talked to Aaron about the logistics of that day, including the very early morning.  I was positive and upbeat, and Aaron was determined to go on this fishing outing……..not because of his love of fishing or the lake or the great outdoors, but because Rosie would be there.  He wanted to spend this day with Rosie, doing what Rosie enjoyed.  So we filled out the form, ordered his tee shirt, and sent in the money for his big weekend.  
I saw a little crack in his armor when, a couple days before the big day, he began to worry about the very early time to meet his ride.  So I told him that we would take him to the lake and could go later in the morning with no problem.  All seemed well.  But on Friday, the day before the fishing trip, he woke up rather worried.  He told me that he wasn’t sure about the fishing…..he wasn’t sure about being gone all day……he wasn’t sure about not being home doing what he enjoys.  In other words, he had decided not to go.  I knew it for sure, but I didn’t want to give in too easily.  Yet as we talked, and I saw him getting tense, I knew I had to give him an out….or we would all pay.  So I told him that he didn’t HAVE to go fishing.  Everyone would understand.  
But the only person that Aaron worried about disappointing was Rosie.  I felt badly for him as I saw the struggle that he was having.  He wanted to be with her, but he didn’t want to leave his weekend routine.  He came so close to going, and it was really disappointing that he didn’t quite make it…..but maybe next time, although we have said that same thing for years about various trips and events to which he says a definite, “No!”
On Saturday, Aaron said, “Do you think that Rosie misses me?”  And I felt sad for him.  Then later, “Was it my fault that I didn’t go?”  I knew he was struggling with his decision.  And finally, in the evening, he said, “I feel like I betrayed Rosie.”  That one made me really feel sad, but we talked about it and I could only hope that he felt some peace about his decision.   His routine and his way of doing life is the most important thing in the world to him…..but when he has a reason, a big reason like Rosie, to interrupt his routine….it’s so tempting and he wants so much to be able to make himself comply.  Then he struggles when he just can’t do it.  And we can’t force him to go…..or take away the guilt he had about not going.
So that’s the fishing trip that wasn’t.  And then we had the friends that were…..as in, were here for a visit or to join us for supper.  But Aaron wished that they were also friends that weren’t…..as in, weren’t here for a visit or to join us for supper.  This is when his autism becomes frustrating……humbling (to Gary and me)……and oh, so embarrassing!
First came Kristi, our sweet friend that we have known for 20 years.  Kristi’s dad was our pastor when we lived in Leavenworth, and our families became good friends.  She is now a missionary in France, and is here in the states for five months of furlough.  She is in the Wichita area for awhile, and so she spent Thursday night with us.  Aaron greeted her at the car when she arrived, even carrying her heaviest suitcase upstairs to the bedroom where she stayed…..as he complained all the while that he was not her servant.
He was up and down emotionally with her for the rest of the evening.  He wanted us to watch Wheel of Fortune with him, which we did…..though we turned it on a little late.  He wanted us all to take Jackson on a walk, even handing Kristi the leash to hold.  And he walked a second time around the circle with just me and Kristi, minus the dog.  He would pop up at various times to talk to me and to Kristi, usually about a movie.  But in the midst of it all, he was also rude several times.  He informed Kristi that she was not his boss…..though she wasn’t being bossy…..or she was not his mom.  It’s like he needs to be in charge, controlling his world at home when someone else is there.  A visitor becomes an interloper…..an annoyance…..when Aaron’s schedule is disrupted.  One minute he can be chattering happily and the next he just might puff up and be very rude.  Kristi took it in stride, as our friends always do.  Gary and I are the ones who are the most affected.  Kristi understood and we talked the next day about it after Aaron was gone.  Still, it’s frustrating.  Explainable, but embarrassing.
And then there was Saturday, when I asked our elderly neighbor, Nora, to come over and have supper with us.  Nora is recently widowed, and on Saturday she found out that an assisted living apartment will be opening in one month.  She is overwhelmed with moving.  I felt like she needed company that evening…..some food and talking and laughter.  But there was Aaron, who for some reason has decided that he doesn’t like little Nora.  And he especially decided that he didn’t like Nora coming to our house for supper on this Saturday evening.
Thankfully, Nora can’t hear very well so she didn’t comprehend all of Aaron’s muttered comments.  But she heard enough to know that he was displeased with her being there.  One thing led to another, and by the time we sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune (of course!), Aaron had had enough.  It was not a pleasant scene as he fought over keeping the remote, paced the floor like a wild animal, and was very verbal.  Finally, he yelled at Nora with all his might and stormed outside…..where he sat in the mulch to wind down.  He sat under the pecan tree, where he never sits, but where he was more hidden and farther from the house…..and from his problems. 
Again, our friend understood…..but I knew she was hurt.  We were hurt…..and terribly embarrassed.  It was the worst display of anger toward a visitor that we had ever seen.  Aaron came in and out of the house, even watching the last few minutes of Wheel of Fortune from the kitchen, standing there gazing at the television but not talking to us.  When I walked Nora home, Aaron sat under the pecan tree still breaking mulch…..and glaring silently at me when I walked past him to go home.  Later that night, we were able to talk to Aaron about friendships…..about how to treat our friends…..about how we treat his friends.  I think we made some headway as we compared our friends to his special Rosie, and the importance of being polite and kind.  What if we were mean to Rosie, we asked?  That thought seemed to register with him.
But who knows what will happen when Aaron is once again pulled from his routine?  We might see when Kristi comes back this Thursday night, brave soul that she is.  Aaron wants everything to stay the same in his world, and he will react strongly to whatever disrupts that sameness…..whether it be an event or a person.  Aaron doesn’t care if he hurts with his words.  He just wants his life to be the way he likes it.  I can say that he is selfish, rude, inappropriate…..lots of undesirable traits…..but I can also say with confidence that he is autistic and that we see it more clearly with every passing year.  What registers with our brains does not register with his.  What we can control, he cannot.  If he fell down into a seizure, we would be so empathetic.  But when he falls into an emotional meltdown, empathy becomes anger and embarrassment.  Yet both scenarios are an evidence of his disability……and a struggle for us to always understand and handle correctly.
And I realize that I will always be that mom……THAT mom……who tries to explain his behaviors while wondering if I’m sounding like I’m trying to excuse them.  There’s a huge difference there in the two.  Explaining means we grasp at understanding.  Excusing means we dismiss with no repercussions.  But in explaining I feel that we sound like we we’re excusing.  It gets complicated.
So this morning Aaron got up very early for him.  He came up the hall and into the room where I was having my quiet time.  He just stood there behind my chair, looking at me, so I said, “Aaron, you need to go back to bed.  It’s just 6:00.”
“6:11,” he said with no emotion.
And another day with Aaron has begun, as I smile…..and see what the day will hold.

What I Would Have Missed


I was busy last night.  How many days could I start a story with that same simple sentence?  Gary and I are leaving tomorrow for Houston.  We get to spend the weekend with Andrea…..YAY!!!……and she is going with us to see Andrew in a race on Sunday…….double YAY!!!  You know how it is before a trip.  So much to do….so much to remember…..and since we have a caregiver coming in to stay with Aaron and Jackson, it seems to double my busy load.  
I was checking items off my to-do list while thinking of others that I had neglected to write down.  Scurry here, scurry there…….and I heard a loud THUMP!  I looked out of the bedroom door and saw Aaron standing there at the head of the stairs, looking in my direction…..his animal print blanket slung over his shoulder and his back-scratcher in his hand.  He had hit the wooden door of the linen cabinets there in the hall.  We had a little “staring at each other” session before I asked him why he had hit the door.  I knew he wanted my attention, but I wanted to hear his version.  He then told me that he was bored……and I then told him a few things about not hitting the door, etc., etc.
He lumbered down the stairs while I continued my packing and organizing……my scratching off the to-do list and adding to the to-do list.  Finally, I was nearly finished with what I had wanted to accomplish for the evening.  I thought about slipping down to my computer to catch up on emails and Facebook.  Important stuff, you know.  But I thought of Aaron.  I thought of the real reason that he had hit the linen cabinet door.  He wasn’t just bored.  He wanted some time with me.  That loud bang on the cabinet door conveyed much more to me that he was able…..or willing….to say.
By this time he had gone back to his room.  I found him sitting there at his desk, headphones on and movie playing.  Godzilla…..the old version…..1998.  I knew what I was getting into as I leaned over and asked Aaron if he wanted to play a game of Skip-Bo.  I was going to hear all about Godzilla……every detail.  What kind of monster….where did he come from…..how he breathed fire……what his feet looked like……and his tail……and his ugly face…..
Aaron was so happy when I asked him if he wanted to play Skip-Bo.  There we were, him talking rapidly……about Godzilla……while I shuffled the cards.  We soon were playing our first game and I was feeling relaxed.  I ignored my tablet nearby and my phone close at hand. I simply focused on Aaron.  He talked and talked about a variety of things, happily and freely, as we played cards.  
And then he stopped and he looked at me, making direct eye contact and lowering his voice while he said, “Mom, do you know what Rosie is to me?”  Rosie is Aaron’s special friend.  So I just stopped and I looked back into his blue eyes…..and asked him to tell me what Rosie is to him.  
“She talks to me and she agrees with me,” he began.  He proceeded to tell me that he and Rosie say things to each other, like when they went to Burger King, he said…..and Rosie pointed something out to him as they were leaving the restaurant.  He told me that his other friend, Shauna, doesn’t do that.  She doesn’t point things out to him like Rosie does, and she doesn’t ask for Aaron’s opinion like Rosie does.  Shauna is sweet and wonderful, but Rosie is……well, Rosie. 
Aaron continued trying to describe Rosie.  “She makes me feel great,” he said.  He spoke from his heart, not full of excitement but full of softness.  This whole thing was so unlike Aaron.  He wasn’t being loud or silly or using words he thinks are funny but aren’t.  He was sincere, and he was so normal.  Please don’t take that the wrong way, but Aaron rarely speaks like this.  I was just treasuring this moment and sitting there in amazement, hoping it would last awhile longer.
“Rosie and I,” he said, “we have a bond.”  There I sat, wondering what my face conveyed.  Then Aaron said, “Mom, what’s a bond?”  And then my face conveyed amusement as I laughed.  He was repeating what he had heard, but immediately showed that he didn’t really understand what on earth a bond is anyway.  He just knows that he and Rosie have one.  So once again I talked to him about special friendships, how sometimes we just click with someone, and that special bond is formed. 
“You know what?” he asked.  “I’m older than her and she still likes me!”  We laughed together this time and soon the moment was over.  Aaron had found my little plastic rooster that Mary Beth gave me.  It has special meaning and I keep it on my kitchen window sill above the sink.  Aaron had picked it up and was comparing the rooster’s feet to Godzilla’s feet……and soon was trying to sneak the rooster into his pocket so he could take it to his room, never to be seen again.
I told him no…..that the rooster was mine.  “That rooster is dumb for you but it’s cool for me, Mom!” he laughingly replied.  Yep, old Aaron is back.  Sincere, heartfelt conversation was over.  But I was still relishing that time, and enjoying the remainder of our game.
And you know what else I would have missed if I had not stopped for this time with Aaron?  I would have missed this.
 
See how Aaron arranges his cards in his discard piles?  Isn’t that so cool?  He laughed when I wanted to take a picture, and he was also quite proud that I thought this was important enough for me to want to photograph.  
Important enough to photograph…..and important enough to take the time to really see and to really listen.  I get tired, especially at night.  I want “me time” as much as anybody…..and I get plenty of that, trust me.  But last night I was once again reminded that it’s so worth it to stop……to focus on Aaron…..to listen and to absorb what this special son of mine is saying and thinking.
He teaches me……he delights me……he challenges me.  I need to accept it all……not to brush it off in the midst of my busy schedule or in my tiredness or frustration.  And when I do take the time, usually when it’s least convenient, is so often when I get those special blessings…..those glimpses into his heart, where he is real and sincere…..beyond all the gruff and the loudness.
God teaches me so much through Aaron….if I but take the time to listen.

Singing With Our Mother


My mother was raised in the little coal mining town of Welch, West Virginia.  Born in 1926, she was the last of six children born to Guy and Lillian Hollandsworth.  Grandpa was the principal of the school in Welch.  He and Grandma worked hard to raise their six children deep in those West Virginia mountains.  They instilled in them a love for God; a love for family; a love of culture; and a love of good music.  
Mom, fourth from the right on the front row
I loved hearing our mother talk about how she met my dad.  They met when Mom’s brother, Luther, married Dad’s sister, Mary.  Beth saw in Jack the sort of man she had never come across.  He was kind and thoughtful, a man of quality to whom she was drawn.  And as they became acquainted, they each learned something that helped seal their interest even further……they both loved classical music.  Dad was just a farm boy from Oakvale, West Virginia, who worked for the Norfolk and Western Railroad………and Mom, from a coal town deep in the mountains, was teaching Home Economics.  But quality music was important to them, so their mutual love for the same music was important as well.
Our home was full of music as we were being raised in Princeton, West Virginia.  It seemed that music was always playing on the old record player, and later the newer huge stereo cabinet in the living room.  Most of what we heard was classical, but Mom and Dad also loved the hit musicals.  I bet all five of us kids still know the words to the songs from Sound of Music, Carousel, South Pacific, and Oklahoma.  Christmas was full of beautiful and fun Christmas music.  I remember children’s records full of fun songs, too. 
Mom, on the far right, as part of the Laidley Hall Trio, 1946-47
Mom, fourth from the right on the front row
Mom didn’t just love to listen to music.  She also had a beautiful voice, and sang in choirs and madrigal groups during her high school and college years.  She was an accomplished soloist and sang in many area churches for revival services and other occasions.  A favorite song of hers…….her signature song, really……was “I’d Rather Have Jesus.”  This is the song she was singing in a little church during a revival service one night in the early 1950’s.  Jimmie Jones was preaching that night.  Mom stood up to sing, and God used the words of that song to pierce her heart.
 
I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
I’d rather be His than have riches untold;
I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands;
I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand
Refrain:
Than to be the king of a vast domain,
Or be held in sin’s dread sway;
I’d rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.
As Mom sang those words, she knew in her heart that she had never asked this Jesus into her heart to be her Savior.  She knew that she was standing before those people singing a lie with her beautiful voice.  She walked down the aisle that night during the invitation, and Preacher Jimmie led her to the Lord.  Dad had accepted Christ months earlier but hadn’t said much to Mom about it for fear of angering her.  Now they were united not only in marriage, and children, and their love of music…….but they were spiritually united in their love for the Lord that grew and grew over the following years.
Now our family had the completed element of being raised around God’s Word, and being active at Johnston Chapel Baptist Church where Preacher Jimmie was our pastor for all of our growing up years.  Now, too, were added beautiful hymns to the music that graced our home every day.  
All of us sang and soon we children were singing together for church.  I remember one Saturday that we even sang…..live!…….on our small town radio station.  We sang and Preacher Jimmie preached, and I have no idea how we sounded way back then.  We continued to sing as we got older, and were known as the King Sisters when John left.  And during all this time, Mom was still singing solos and blessing many with her pretty voice.
Many years have gone by since those days of early marriage and raising five children.  Dad went to heaven in December of 2008, during the season of Christmas carols and Christmas joy that Mom and Dad loved the most.  And now our mother has Alzheimer’s, lives in assisted living, and doesn’t know any of us five children or our spouses……or her grandchildren or great-grandchildren……or even her Jack, her husband…..Dad.  We can’t ask her for advice or ask her to tell us a familiar family story or ask her for a favorite family recipe.  All of that is gone.
Gary and I went home a few months ago.  Everyone was there except for Jimmy and Kathryn.  As we gathered at Jan’s house, near the end of our day with everyone, I suggested that we sing to Mom.  A friend of mine, Bev, had told me about singing to her mother who had Alzheimer’s and how her mother remembered the words……and it was their last real connection.
So we stood around Mom that evening at Jan’s and we sang “Great Is Thy Faithfulness.”  To our surprise and delight, Mom joined in.  She knew most of the words, and then to our complete surprise, she sang the descant at the end…….her voice still beautiful and sweet.  You can click on the link below to see the video of her singing that song.
We sang a few other hymns as well, and then we decided to see if we could make it through our family song…….Dad’s favorite song……”Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus.”  Again, Mom sang most of the words in her sweet voice.  And at the end, as you can hear in the below link, she tried to describe how special that song was.  She couldn’t put her finger on why it was special……she couldn’t remember exactly……and she couldn’t find the words……but she knew.  Deep inside she knew that this song was a very dear part of our family, and a dear part of her Jack……of Dad.
I’m so thankful that we sang with Mom that evening.  We were all blessed beyond measure for that time with her.  Her heart was happy as she sang.  What memories those songs stirred in all of us, including Mom. 
Memories of wonderful parents who taught us about the Lord…..who filled our hearts and our home with music……but more importantly, filled us all with love.  And over the years, as we’ve all experienced both joys and sorrows, we can fall back on the love they gave us and the Lord they made sure that we knew personally.  Many parts of our early life are gone…..and now the Mom we’ve always known is gone……but the hope we have in Christ will never be gone.  The certainty of heaven will never be gone, where we can sing together forever! 
Tomorrow is my mother’s birthday.  She will be 88 years old……and she won’t know that it’s her birthday…..or how old she is.  But as friends and family gather around her, I hope that she knows how much she is loved.  And I hope that she joins in as everyone sings “Happy Birthday!”  
I bet she will, with a smile on her happy face and a twinkle in those beautiful eyes. 
We love you, Mom!  Happy Birthday!
And thanks for showing us over the years that you really meant it when you sang, “I’d Rather Have Jesus.”  And that we needed to mean it, too.   

The Funny and The Sad


It’s been a mixture of funny and sad with Aaron over the past two days…..well, over the past 27 hours and 22 minutes, to be exact.  But who’s counting, right?  Oh……well, yes, Aaron does.  Count, that is.  So he would appreciate it if I would as well, thank you.  
Aaron burst in the door from the garage yesterday when he came home from his day group.  He saw me right there in the half bath/laundry room as he shot through the door.  Of course, he didn’t say hello or hi Mom or anything close to resembling a greeting.  Instead, just as he slammed the door and saw me folding laundry, he loudly said, “Mom!!  King Tut is a real person, right?!”
And so began our late afternoon and much of our evening, as well as this morning.  King Tut this and King Tut that.  Can you tell that he’s watching a movie called The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb?  I don’t recommend it.  It’s beyond lame……but it suits Aaron just fine, because King Tut comes alive and saves everyone from the monster.  The monster with wings. 
Which prompted Aaron to also ask, “You mean King Tut is a humaning being?  He’s not a monster with wings?” 
And this morning I had to watch a YouTube clip of this beyond lame movie.  I had to type Google Videos and then type The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb…..just right, because Aaron was standing over my shoulder, observing my every move.  As we scrolled down to find the right clip, Aaron saw it.  “YES!!!!  That’s it!!!!  It’s the 1:41!!!!”
Good grief, Aaron…..remember my ears close by.  And the 1:41, for you who don’t know or remember……..how could you NOT??!!…….is the length of the video.  Aaron remembers the length of video clips even better than he remembers the names.  Anyway, I endured the video clip for 1:41.  It’s pretty awful.  In fact, I think it’s under awful movie clips on YouTube, but Aaron would strongly disagree with that.
Tonight, he told Andrea on the phone about this classic movie and she told him that she would watch it with him the next time that she “comes over,” as Aaron says.  But then she added that we should make it a FAMILY movie night and all watch it together.  I may suggest that she find a new family.  Really, the movie is that awful.  That girl is in so much trouble.
Back to Aaron’s return home yesterday…. he also told me about teasing Ashley at his day group.  He seems to get great delight from teasing her, which isn’t usually a good thing with Aaron, as his teasing can be annoying and even a little mean.  The more fun HE is having, the less fun YOU are probably having.  I’ve been trying to determine if Ashley is the same Ashley he knew at a school here years ago.  I asked him yesterday what color hair Ashley has.
“She has the color of Goldilocks and the Three Bears!!” he happily said.  Of course, he can’t just say blond. 
 
On his way to bed later, as I fixed the percolator for the next morning, Aaron said he was going up to his room to get ready for bed.  He walked part-way through the family room and I heard him stop.   “Mom, is it going to rain tonight?” he asked.  This before-bed information is very important to Aaron. 
I told him that I wasn’t sure, but maybe later it would rain.  He took a couple more steps, out of my sight, and then I heard him stop again.  Pause.
“When is later?” he inquired. 
 Oh dear Aaron, you who must have an exact time for everything…..
I told him that I wasn’t sure of an exact time when later would occur, but that it just might rain…..sometime…..later.
Pause.
“Midnight?” he questioned.
When you’re in Rome…..and when you’re in Aaron’s world, do as Aaron does.  And thankfully, since I had recently looked at the radar, I could safely tell Aaron that it would not rain at midnight…..that it would rain sometime after midnight, if it rained at all……but I very carefully did not use the word “LATER” again.  Sigh.
And he was satisfied.
It was only a short time later, just after he had fallen asleep, that I heard him having a seizure in his sleep.  I stayed with him until it was over, and I prayed when I laid back down that he would not have a night full of seizures.  And he didn’t have another one……and I was so thankful……even as that little cloud of sadness hovered over my head.
We had more funny times this morning.  Aaron talked and talked about the The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb again, and of course we watched the YouTube clip.  He followed me out to the garden, where he talked more while I snipped okra off the stalks and picked a few tomatoes.  And where he breathlessly told me about Rosie eating some of the tomatoes I sent to Paradigm yesterday.
“Mom!!  Rosie ate tomatoes RAW!!”
He was so relieved when I told him that this is how we usually eat fresh tomatoes from the garden……and I learned that to him, eating them raw means that she didn’t wash them before eating them.  I already did that, I told him, and he was happy.
Then in the afternoon, while at the theater with his day group, he had another seizure…….a rare afternoon seizure.  He probably fell asleep in his chair in the dark, and then the seizure came.  Poor Aaron.  And worry and that hovering sadness was pushing the funny out of my sight.  
He was able to stay at his day group.  He called me and we talked about his seizure.  He was calm about it.  Later, I heard the door open when he got home, but he didn’t have the gusto of the day before.  He walked slowly across the kitchen and came downstairs to find me.  He was much more somber than yesterday as he walked over to me and told me that he didn’t feel very good because of his seizure.
“I guess I didn’t have much fun time in the theater because of that,” he flatly said.  
He made my heart hurt.  I agreed that it wasn’t much of a fun time for him, but that I was glad he was better now.  I was trying to soothe my own pain more than his.
“Yeah,” he said.  “I guess watching a movie today wasn’t very much fun.”
Poor Aaron, indeed.  He loves going to the movies but today he didn’t have much fun time there, for sure.  Yet it’s amazing how quickly he can bounce back…..how soon he was happy again, bending over and rubbing his hands together when I was talking to Andrea and he was trying to tell me what to tell her until I finally just let them talk……and the two of them talked the whole time Gary and I ate supper.  
Aaron is amazing in many different ways, but his ability to keep on going even when his day wasn’t much fun is a lesson for me every time.  And even more amazing is that even though he is the reason for my sadness at times, he can also turn right around and be the reason for my joy.  He can be so much fun!  
The funny and the sad, all wrapped up in Aaron.
A lot sure can happen in 27 hours and 22 minutes.

My Wormy Cucumber…..and Aaron


Last night was a seizure night for Aaron.  We are so thankful that he doesn’t have constant daily seizures like our friend’s son, Elijah, has.  I told Wendy this morning that I don’t know how she does it apart from God’s grace.  I know that each of us who know the Lord depend on His grace for the many circumstances that we face in this life.  Having a suffering child is tough.  When Aaron has seizures is when I feel most vulnerable emotionally.  His autism is high functioning, though in its own way debilitating, but he at least can function.  His autism makes him at times very frustrating and it causes him to be in trouble more than we like, both here at home and at his day group.  Or then he can also be very endearing and funny, even hilarious.
But his seizures……they make me sad.  They show me the seriousness of Epilepsy…..the danger.  I may be vulnerable emotionally on these days, but he is vulnerable physically.  And as his mother, that scares me….and makes my heart hurt. 
However, I know from experience over the years that I cannot dwell on the scary or on the negative, even when it comes to my son…..my first born.  Being aware is one thing.  Being defeated with constant worry is quite another.  And constant regret……that’s one thing that I very consciously pull my mind away from when it starts down that path.  I would love for Aaron to have a normal life, a job, a wife and children…but he doesn’t and he probably never will.  Living with regret over those issues only pulls me down and doesn’t do anything to help Aaron.  Plus it’s not honoring to God, Who wants me to trust Him in all things.  That means ALL.  Even Aaron, my son, and my hurt over his pain and difficulties. 
 
Aaron slowly made it downstairs this morning after his three seizures.  He tried to stay up and awake but as is typical for him, he laid back down on the couch and fell promptly asleep.  I covered him with his favorite blanket……the animal print blanket…..and he slept deeply until he had another large seizure.  Now he is awake off and on, talking about wanting his coffee that he missed this morning……will it still be hot…….when can he have it……worried that he won’t get to drink it……typical Aaron.
 
Earlier, while he slept and with me being unable to leave this area of the house for fear of another seizure, I stood at the kitchen sink.  I was washing the produce that I had gathered in the garden yesterday evening before dark.  Some tomatoes…..okra…..a red pepper……one pear that I was able to reach from our pear tree……and a few stray cucumbers.  On one of the cucumbers I saw the unmistakable signs of worms.  The brown, crusty spots on the outside of the cucumber were my clue, so I grabbed a paring knife and cut into the peel.  Yep, there it was…..a yucky worm……and then another nearby.  It was tempting to just throw the whole cucumber away, but I’m pretty thrifty about my garden produce that we’ve worked hard to raise.  There was still plenty of good left in that cucumber, so I washed the remainder and put it with the other healthy produce.  Aaron loves cucumbers, so he can eat it later.
 
This might sound strange, but Aaron’s a lot like that wormy cucumber.  He has his issues…..his “worms”……..that disrupt his life.  The autism….the Epilepsy……they have completely changed his life from what we thought it would be.  When placed beside his sister and brother, we can see a stark contrast.  Andrea, a scientist and geneticist in a major lab……and Andrew, working on a professional NHRA pit crew.  Their lives are dreams come true for both of them.  We love hearing about their work, even when we don’t understand half of it.  It’s exciting and fulfilling for them.
Aaron is like that cucumber, yes.  He has some chunks removed……some expectations that we had for him that had to be removed.  But he has amazing value if we but stop and look.  God does NOT create mistakes.  Aaron has tremendous worth.  He draws us to God in ways we probably never would have been drawn otherwise.  He keeps us humble.  Oh, does he ever!!  He keeps us at times bowed down with worry or frustration or embarrassment.  But listen to the verse God gave me this morning:
“But You, O Lord, are a shield about me; my glory, and the lifter of my head.”  (Psalm 3:3)
I love how God gives me what I need, when I need it, from His Word.  He lifts my head to look not only up to Him, but to look at Aaron with new eyes……eyes of faith and trust in the God Who loves Aaron and loves us.  God has a plan for Aaron that is every bit as important and amazing as the plan He has for Andrea and Andrew.  We just don’t always measure Aaron’s value that way, but God does.  And He reminds me on these days that I need to as well.
Aaron……my wormy cucumber……just in this little area of my house, God has once again spoken to my heart.  
Friend who is suffering today, never doubt God’s plan and His love for you.  Let Him be the lifter of your tired head.  He does care…..He does have a plan……for all of us.
Including my wormy Aaron.  My perfect Aaron, with lots of good in him that God is using. 

Caterpillars and Butterflies


This morning I read another small section of Elisabeth Elliott’s book Keep a Quiet Heart.  In the chapter entitled There Are No Accidents, Elisabeth talks about interviewing Judy Squier.  Judy was born with no legs, so Elisabeth asked Judy to write a letter to the parents of a little boy born without arms or legs.  I quote from part of the letter that Judy wrote to these parents:
“’What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly.’  As humanity we see only the imperfect, underside of God’s tapestry of our lives.  What we judge to be ‘tragic – the most dreaded thing that could happen,’ I expect we’ll one day see as the awesome reason for the beauty and uniqueness of our life and our family.”
She goes on…….the whole section is excellent and struck a deep chord in my heart.  But my mind has been on that caterpillar and butterfly all day.  You see, last November I wrote a blog about how Aaron found a butterfly and how he wanted me to hold it.  It was a special moment for me that taught me such a sweet lesson.  Today I’m thinking of other aspects of that butterfly……who was first a caterpillar.
 
I’m thinking of the day that we first heard Aaron’s diagnosis of Epilepsy.  I remember how shattered I felt as I sat at my desk that night in Germany.  Our little blond headed blue eyed son had what?  Epilepsy?  What does it mean?  What WOULD it mean?  And I cried, deep sobs of pain and acceptance.  Nine years later……another doctor, another place, yet another diagnosis.  Autism?  Asperger’s Syndrome?  What does it mean?  What WOULD it mean?  And again, when the children were asleep, I cried deep sobs of more pain and more acceptance.
Pain and acceptance have been our familiar companions all along this journey with Aaron.  I know that many other parents feels this pain, some more acutely and more severely than we ever will.  The pain of medical tests….the pain of medicines for this and more medicines for that….the pain of hospitals…….the pain of IEP’s in school…..the pain of moving and having to introduce our child all over again in our new world…..the pain of his questions…..the pain of peer rejection……the pain of trying to understand what makes him tick and what just ticks him off, and why……the pain of my guilt when I blow it and I erupt along with Aaron…..the pain of questioning God……
Pain comes naturally.  Acceptance is a decision that I make.  Acceptance is usually slower.  It certainly has been for me.  Maybe he’ll get all better with time.  Maybe the seizures will go away after puberty.  Maybe this new drug will do the trick.  Maybe he can have surgery.  Maybe the VNS will kick in.  Maybe it’s not really as serious as all that.  Maybe the autism will improve with this diet.  Maybe those guys will be Aaron’s friend.  Maybe Aaron won’t move so much and talk so much during church today.  Maybe he won’t be grouchy when his bus comes to pick him up today.  Maybe he’ll just love his day group.  Maybe he can hold a job one day and be like everyone else.  Most of the maybes don’t happen…….and acceptance slowly sinks in.  Reality of life with Aaron has been slow going……very slow going.
But it’s not the end of the world.  It may the end of the world as we know it as far as our hopes for Aaron in certain areas……….but just like that caterpillar, there is beauty in this life that God has given us.  “What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly.”  I held a butterfly that day last fall as I stood outside with Aaron, and I hold a butterfly in my life as I look at Aaron.  That’s because God is sovereign, and He has a plan for Aaron and a plan for our life with Aaron.  It’s a plan of beauty, even when I can’t see it as such.  
 
I have to hold on to that truth on the bad days, the sad days, the worried days, the heart-rending days of this life.  Oh, we have laughter and delight with Aaron but underneath it all are the concerns and the frustrations and the weight of always thinking about our special son.  And I deeply feel the weight of so many other moms……friends that I love and friends that I hurt for as well as they fight this fight and live this life for their special children.  
I want to tell them that God is weaving a beautiful tapestry of their lives.  They don’t feel it or see it any more than I do on many days, but God truly is a God of purpose and beauty.  So we lift each other up, we cry together, we pray for each other, we try to encourage one another……and we trust our sovereign Heavenly Father even when He doesn’t seem to answer our prayers in the way we want.
Acceptance…..of Who God is…..and how much He loves me and He loves Gary, and Andrea and Andrew…..and especially our special Aaron.  I want to hug my other moms of special children…..Wendy, Goldie, Shikara, Cheryl, Trish, Louise, and so many others.  I want to say that I may not have great words of wisdom, but I do have the truth….as do you…..that God is in charge of making caterpillars into butterflies.  
And He can…..He will………bring beauty into and out of our lives with our special children. 

Thanks to Aaron……


It’s been a week since I’ve written anything about Aaron.  It’s not because he hasn’t been active……talking, arguing, laughing, eating…..plenty of eating.  Plenty of all the above, actually.  Here are some highlights of our week:
Conflict and Forgiveness:
Aaron came home last Friday with some anger.  He had a situation with someone and it wasn’t pleasant.  He was animated, bending over and rubbing his hands together as he told me what happened.  Oh boy, here we go.  He quickly conveyed the same story to Gary when he got home, but Gary and I quickly left to meet friends for dinner so there was no resolution at that moment.  It was a topic of conversation all that weekend, which is always the case.  Thankfully, things were made right at his day group.  We appreciate the staff there that care for Aaron and helped him work through it all.  Barb said that Aaron actually took the hands of the person involved and said he was sorry.  Barb was shocked and pleased at that.  I was extremely shocked and wondered if we were talking about our Aaron or someone else!  Wonders never cease……especially with Aaron!  He was so happy to rush in the door that day and tell me what happened.  “Mom!  Me and _______ made up!”   And guess what he said that was so curious?  “But it’s kind of scary to be made up with ______.”  Interesting.  I think he’s not sure that he can keep from getting frustrated again, but that’s a guess…..which is sometimes the best we do to figure out Aaron and his thinking.
Laughter:
We were watching Wheel of Fortune one night, and one of the contestants bought a vowel….an ‘A.’  Aaron yelled, “A!!  As in E I E I O!!”  He sang the E I E I O part like we do in the Old McDonald song.  It was too funny.  But I couldn’t help myself, so I said, “Um, Aaron……E I E I O doesn’t have an A.”  “What?” he replied.  So I repeated, “E I E I O doesn’t have an ‘A’ in it.”   He just looked at me, then cocked his head and stared into space for a few seconds.  “Oh,” he flatly replied.  Two nights later someone bought an ‘O.’  “O!!” Aaron yelled.  “As in (and he sang again), E I E I O!!”  I laughed and he laughed because E I E I O does have an ‘O.’ And all is well with the world. 
An Annoying Ear:
Aaron started complaining one night during Wheel of Fortune that his ear was stopped up and that he couldn’t hear well.  I told him that maybe we need to take him in and have his ears cleaned.  “No!” he loudly replied.  Soon after, he yawned and then happily said, “There!  My ear unpopped!”  The next day it was, “Since my ear stopped up, I have diarrhea.”  I reminded him to check his feeding frenzy list from that day before he blamed his ear.   And the next day:  “When I talk, I can hear my voice in my ear.  I can only hear the voice of me in my stopped up ear.”  Gary and I exchanged humorous glances at that comment, unknown to Aaron.  His ear is a major concern of his now and we may need to have it checked, but we’ve learned that with Aaron it’s best to wait awhile and see how it all works out……because he has a little hypochondria at times like this.  
Wonder:
I went in Aaron’s bedroom to say goodnight.  He was propped up in bed, reading his Handy History Answer Book.  I was nearly ready to leave the room after our goodnight when Aaron said, “Mom, look.  Michelangelo made a bad statue.”   I asked why it was bad, knowing full well the answer.  “Look,” Aaron answered as he held the book for me to see.  “So what makes it bad?” I asked again.   “It doesn’t have clothes on.  That’s strange,” Aaron said as he held it out still for me to see.  There was Michaelangelo’s David in all his glory…..and me trying to explain it to Aaron.  I was glad to say good night and shut the door.
Wonder #2:
On Wednesday, Aaron went with his group to All Star Sports.  When he got home, as he was showing me the toy rifle he picked up somewhere and brought home, and as I was telling him he needed to return it…..good grief!……I saw something protruding out of his pocket.  I asked him what was in his pocket and he said, “Oh,”……as he reached in his pocket and pulled out the something.  It was sporks.  Sporks he had nabbed off the food counter at All Star Sports.  23 Sporks.  Really?  23 Sporks?  Really.  I counted them.  23.
Wonder #3:
Aaron was very excited to run in the house the other day and hold out his hand to show me something as I heard Gary out in the garage trying to finish telling Aaron to bring it back outside.  IT was one of our caterpillars that is eating up our pecan trees.  Aaron was intrigued by IT and really wanted to show IT to me, so I waited to tell him to get rid of IT until I had oohed and aahed over IT with fake enthusiasm.  Aaron loves bugs, just as if he was still 6 years old.  I didn’t want to dampen his joy, but I was very glad when he took IT back outside. 
 
Fun:
Yesterday Aaron was sleeping a little late, so I gingerly opened his door to find him sitting on his bed…….writing in his “Time I Go To Bed and Time I Get Up” notebook.  He wrote down 9:03, and looked at me with bleary eyes.  He was very tired, he said, and even after his shower and coffee I opened my bedroom door to find this.
 
So I decided to have that fun day with Aaron that I’ve told him we would someday have.  We went to the new Sam’s that was opening yesterday.  Aaron got happy real quick, and wasn’t the least bit tired. 
 
 Well, it was worth it to have fun……to see his smile……and to laugh as he listened to the Mariachi band playing fun songs.  He complained that they were too loud, while I loved every minute and wanted more. 
One More Laugh:
This last laugh was this morning, after Aaron drank his coffee and we were taking his cups downstairs.  I guess he got a few coffee grounds in his cup.   “Mom, that coffee you gave me still had seeds in it……like specky seeds.”  
I smiled.  And I wish he could get those specky coffee seeds out with a spork.  We have a few.
Thanks to Aaron, we have sporks.  And a mostly good week to boot. 

Good Job, Aaron!


I was so proud of Aaron this morning.  He’s on a new medicine and it’s one that has hit him full force with sleepiness.  He’s gone from usually getting up in the morning between 5:00 and 6:00 to sleeping until sometimes after 8:00.  He would be much more precise than that with the time, as you know, but I won’t tell him that I wasn’t.  He came downstairs this morning a little before 8:00, barely able to keep his eyes open and asking if he really had to go to his day group.  I sensed a rough morning ahead.
He took his pills and I carried his coffee upstairs, keeping the conversation light and free of conflict.  Conflict can come easily enough when Aaron is tired and not feeling well.  My heart went out to him and I wanted to just say that he could stay at home, but I knew better.  He sometimes snaps out of these very tired moments and so I wanted to give that possibility a chance.  Plus today is his last day for the week since tomorrow is a holiday…….and today is mall day, which he usually enjoys.  He enjoys it because of all the food choices there, but at least he goes and has fun.  
Today I’m leaving for a trip to Houston to spend the long weekend with Andrea.  I had lots to do this morning, so I left Aaron with his hopeful thoughts of getting to stay home as I headed for the garden.  Finally finishing there, I went upstairs to shower.  As I walked up the stairs I heard a noise.  There was Aaron, sprawled across his bed, snoring to beat the band.  I was pretty certain then that Paradigm would be a no-go today.
Later, to my surprise, Aaron walked in my room and asked again if he had to go to Paradigm.  He was more awake now and still not in a bad mood.  I told him to shower, which he agreed to do, and as he left the room he reminded me that today was mall day for Paradigm……if he HAD to go.  Here WE go, I thought.  But still the eruption didn’t occur.  He was mulling his options, though, but not hateful….yet.
Soon I heard him thump up the hall with purpose………and I was soon to discover what that purpose was.   He looked at me and hopefully asked, “Mom, today since we’re going to the mall, can I have extra money?”  
“How much do you need for pizza?” I asked.
The look on his face was priceless as he quickly formulated his response.  “Well,” he slowly said, “sometimes it’s 15.”
We stood there staring at each other as I enjoyed the look on his face, and as he hoped I would believe him.  Then I laughed, and laughed some more………and he didn’t even get angry at my laughter as he sometimes does.  He knew that I wasn’t buying the story of pizza that’s sometimes 15, so he turned and walked away as I chuckled some more.
He was very happy when Gary, who is off today, offered to take him to meet his group.  Having Dad take him is a treat!  He loves time with Gary, so before they left Gary showed him the caterpillars in our tree.
 
Then they climbed in the truck and I got one last goodbye hug.  I told him that I would tell Andrea he said hi and he gave his low laugh…..meaning that he agreed with my doing that, but he would never ever offer that gesture himself.  
 
Every day with Aaron is both full of sameness and yet full of diversity.  We never know what mood he will be in or how he’ll be feeling or what he’ll say.  We definitely never know what all he’ll say!  Like yesterday on the way to Paradigm, when we passed by the sign outside of Dillon’s that announced the fact that they have barbecued ribs for sale.  There hung the ribs sign, with a wooden pig hanging on it. 
And Aaron, who never misses anything, said, “Mom, are ribs really made of pig?”
Yep, Aaron…..those particular ribs are really made of pig.
And many of my days are really made much more fun and funny because they’re made of life with Aaron.  Other days…..not so much.  But we take them both because he is ours and he is what God made him to be.
See you Sunday, Aaron.   You and Dad have fun while I’m gone!

Mixed Emotions


Gary and I returned home last Monday after being gone for a week of vacation.  That’s a long time to leave Aaron and our Great Dane, Jackson, with caregivers.  Aaron loves the times that we leave because he gets to have others here with him, which means a change of pace for him.  He gets to eat out more, which he doesn’t need but which he does love.  He has someone to watch movies with him at home from his movie collection or a movie that they rent.  He and his caregivers might go on walks or go shopping……just normal things, really, but to Aaron they are more fun when shared with someone different.  
More fun up to a point…..and I think Aaron reached that point on Friday, and again on Monday at his day group.  He acted out a lot, being verbal and very angry.  Gary and I were actually dreading coming home, thinking we would have a rude awakening after such a wonderful time with family and with each other.  But Aaron was very happy to see us.  He called us several times every day that we were gone, but having us home was even better.  
How did he show that it was better?  Well, first of all, he gave us hugs!!  That was awesome!  And not just one hug, but several hugs spread out over the evening.  He was affectionate, on his terms, and it was sweet to experience.  
He also followed us all around, talking and talking.  He had happy talk of his time with Katie and then with Steven over the weekend.  He talked about what he ate, and where they went, and the movies they watched, and everything in between.  He followed us all over the house, and then followed us outside when we went to check the garden.  The dirt was a little soft from the recent rains, but not muddy, so I walked in to take a look at everything.  
Of course, Aaron followed, never missing a beat in his monologue.  His movie of the moment was The Blob, so most of what he said was Blob related.  He kept asking me questions about the Blob for which I had no answers, like exactly what is the Blob.  Finally he decided to analyze the Blob himself. 
“The Blob is just the size of water,” he said…..and I agreed without telling him that water doesn’t really have a size.  Instead I relished the way that Aaron sees the world, even the Blob.  We were both happy to move on to other things as we walked around the garden and I showed him some beans, as well as some zucchini and summer squash.  Aaron noticed the soft soil, though, as he notices everything.  “Mom, this sand is sinkable!” he exclaimed as he walked around.  
He wasn’t as chipper as the evening wore on.  It takes awhile to get things back to normal when you’ve been gone that long, and Aaron was ready for normal right then.   I had asked Aaron several questions about different matters, knowing that we have to be slow and careful with our questioning.  Finally, as we were getting his room ready for him to go to bed, I remembered that I needed to get the monitor out of Andrew’s room where Steven had stayed.  At first I didn’t see it on the other side of the bed, so without thinking I asked Aaron where the monitor was.
“I hate today!” he angrily answered.  “Things have been going on like, ‘Where’s your monitor?!!’”
I instantly knew that if Aaron was able to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with us, he would have said, “Mom and Dad, I’m really tired of you guys being gone.  I’m tired of things being so different and out of place.”
But no, all Aaron could do was erupt and say what he did………and I was thankful that right then I found the monitor and was able to be calm, so that Aaron could calm down.  He followed me to my bedroom even after we had successfully gone through his nighttime ritual……..blinds closed, blanket on the bed just right, his fish lamp turned off, the bright digital weather station clock dimmed, clothes for tomorrow set out, overhead light turned off, bedside lamp turned on……
But yet he followed me, talking, and asking me to come back to his room.  I was tired.  Aaron didn’t care.  I walked into his room, telling him I was going to bed, but he said, “Wait!!  I haven’t told you this.  I was reading in my Handy History Answer Book about writing.  First there were hieroglyphics, papyrus, then Guttenburg……and what else?  Chinese!  There was Chinese paper!”  
I really didn’t care one whit about any of this writing or paper business at 10:30 on the night we had just returned from vacation.  I really knew I wouldn’t care one whit about hieroglyphics or papyrus on any other night, either.  But wanting to make Aaron feel like what he said was important and that I was listening, I commented, “The Chinese also made the first firecrackers.”
He looked blandly at me and then flatly said, “I knew that.”
And so much for that, I thought.
Our week of re-entry into our real life with Aaron has had its ups and downs for sure.  Aaron has changed a lot over the past year.  He’s not always fun, funny Aaron.  He never has always been fun or funny, but he’s more volatile now than he used to be.  He has more anger now than he used to have.  Age?  Medicines?  Influences?  We don’t really know.
Gary and I have taken three trips recently, and it’s been so nice on several levels.  We realize how refreshing it is to get away……to be a couple……to have freedom to enjoy what we want to do……to enjoy our other children without Aaron interruptions.  Does that sound awful? 
I watched Aaron walking in front of me the other morning as we left Dillon’s.  There went Aaron, his bag of cheddar pasta salad and his croissants in hand.  He was large and in charge, so typical of him.  I realize what a large part he plays in Gary’s and my life.  Some positive…..some negative. 
 
And I read an article this week, written by a dear mother of a child with special needs.  Her child, a girl, is still young and is very sweet………or else this mother chose on this day to just write about the sweet.  After reading that article, I wanted that little girl to come live with me!  This mother was talking about never wanting her daughter to leave……never wanting to be without that sweet little girl.
I look at Aaron, like this evening on another trip to Dillon’s.  His passing gas noises as we checked out, his incessant loud talking, his whistles as we leave the store………where he tells me once again that at least he wasn’t making the farting noises.  How many times have I heard that?  And how many times has he heard me tell him to stop?  I see people look at Aaron, and it’s not like looking at a sweet little special needs girl who smiles at them and makes them feel warm all over.  Large Aaron is looked at with curiosity, to say the least…….especially when that gassy noise passes his lips………..at least I hope people know it came from his lips.
Oh well.  My mixed emotions are normal, I know.  I love Aaron and I know that he is ours to raise.  Ups and downs, good and bad, demanding and pleasing……it’s all part of this life.  God gives grace, and I know He will give direction to Gary and I as we face Aaron’s future, and ours.  
And if I had not had Aaron with me tonight, after I turned down his request to go to Sonic, I would not have heard him say, “So why did you say that Sonic is more fatfull?”
He didn’t see me smile, and he didn’t know how delightful yet another saying of his was to me.  Just like he doesn’t see my heart and know how much I love him…..even when I don’t exactly like him. 
And here’s what he said last night as I walked into his room just before bed.  He was finishing a movie, and those of you who know Aaron know that Aaron finishes a movie by watching the credits and everything else that scrolls down that screen….to the very bitter end, when the screen is either dark or goes back to the home screen.  Every.  Single.  Word.  He watches it.
“That was a short movie at the ending,” he said.
“The movie was short?” I asked for clarification.
“No,” he answered.  “The rest was long.  Just the ending was short.”
And I’m left to ponder what he just said, to realize its brilliance in an autistic kind of way, and to laugh…….behind his back, of course.
See what I would miss if not for Aaron?