Author: Patty hesaidwhatks

I'm Patty and I write about our adult son who has Epilepsy and Autism, who still lives with my husband and me, and who is a package full of many surprises and joys and challenges and TALK! Lots of talking, which creates laughter and some other reactions as well. I also write about how God shows Himself to me in everyday life.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Gary’s military career took us to many places over the years.  Many of our family were able to come visit us in the various places that we lived, including Germany.  Fort Huachuca, Arizona, was our last assignment before Gary retired.  We had lots of family and several friends that were able to come and spend some time with us while we were there, but one trip will always stand out as the trip like none other……….the trip that no one would want to re-live.
Our military housing on Fort Huachuca, Arizona
My mom and dad came out to see us in October of that particular year.  October in Arizona is usually a great time to travel because it’s not too hot and not too cold.  Since Dad didn’t like to fly, they drove for several days across country, all the way from southern West Virginia to southern Arizona.  Mom and Dad enjoyed traveling, so the long drive didn’t bother them.  They had decided to just take their time and enjoy each day.
Our backyard view –  Fort Huachuca, Arizona
Now my mother, years prior to this trip, had been diagnosed with a very rare form of colitis.  She would go for rather long periods of time with no problems, and such was the case before they left for this long vacation trip to Arizona.  She had been fine, so she didn’t even think about bringing any of her prescription medicine.  However, on the long drive across the country she began having problems with her colitis.  As soon as they arrived at our place, later that evening, Mom pulled me aside and told me that she would need to go the emergency room the next day to be checked and to see if she could get some of her medicine.  It really wasn’t a big deal, she assured me, and so I wasn’t alarmed.
The following day, I took her and Dad to the ER in the town of Sierra Vista.  She was examined and plans were made to get her unusual prescription filled there in town for her rare form of colitis.  This would take some time, though, so in the meantime the doctor gave her something else to take.  In addition, they noticed that her blood pressure was high……….so the doctor said that she would need to come back the next day to have that checked as well.
Over the next several days, we juggled Mom’s ER visits with our day trips around southern Arizona.  There is so much to see and do there, and they didn’t want to waste a minute.  Mom’s colitis, though, was not getting any better but was actually worsening.  And her blood pressure was still an issue, so back and forth we would go to the ER to have her checked.  We were also dealing with Aaron’s seizures and behaviors……but despite it all, we were having a great time as we saw the sights and went on picnics and enjoyed time together.
One day I drove us all up through the Coronado National Forest.  We ended up at the top, at Montezuma Pass, where we looked out over the gorgeous view.  On the way back to the van from the overlook, there was just a tiny little incline with very small rocks on the ground.  Dad usually took hold of Mom’s arm to help her in an area like that, but this time she had gone on by herself.  Before we knew it, she slid on those tiny rocks and fell down.  We rushed over to help her up, and she assured us that she was fine………except that her lower leg hurt.  As we drove down off the mountain, I heard her tell Dad that her leg really hurt and that she thought she should go back to the ER to have it checked.   Now Dad, who was the sweetest husband ever, proceeded to tell Mom that her leg was fine and that she did not need to go to the ER.  At this point, they had been to the ER so many times that some of the staff knew them by name.  Dad was hoping that their ER days were over, but it was not to be.
Coronado National Forest
As soon as I dropped the kids off at our house and left them with Gary, I drove Mom and Dad back to the now very familiar emergency room.  Dad and I waited while Mom was X-rayed…….and then we were both shocked when the doctor walked out to tell us that Mom’s lower bone in her leg was broken.  Broken?  Are you sure, we asked?  Yes, we’re sure, he answered.  So Mom’s leg was put in a splint, and we were instructed to be seen by a certain ortho doctor on Monday.  This was Friday, so we had the weekend to wait.  And now Mom couldn’t walk……..and her colitis was bad, which meant frequent and VERY fast trips to the bathroom.  Oh dear.
We also, for some reason that I have forgotten, could not get a wheelchair at that time.  So we would put Mom in Gary’s desk chair with wheels, and we would roll her quickly around our quarters to the bathroom when the need would hit…….which as I said, was often.  VERY often.
We also had another little complication on this ever more interesting vacation trip.  Remember that we lived in military quarters.  When the housing authorities decide to make repairs on your quarters, they don’t typically ask if they can make said repairs.  They TELL you when they are making the repairs, and you deal with it.  Before Mom and Dad’s trip, we were told that there would be a certain project that would start on such and such a day on our house.  Just a small project…………putting on a new roof.  Oh, and since they were fairly certain that there was asbestos in the old roof that would be removed, we would need to make plans to be gone from our house on that day.  Gone…….as in gone ALL day……so as to avoid the asbestos.
You can probably guess that the day of the roof removal was on that Monday……….the Monday that Mom was scheduled to go get her broken leg put in a cast.  I had planned a full day trip to Mexico for all of us so we could do what the contractors told us to do……..which was to be gone………..and so we could avoid the nasty asbestos……….and so we could show my parents Mexico and we could shop and we could eat and we could have so much fun.  Instead, we were trapped in our house with Mom in a rolling chair with her leg stuck straight out, careening up the hall like crazy people to take her to the bathroom……and contractors at our door bright and early, asking us when we were leaving.  I explained that we were NOT leaving, and these Mexicans were trying to understand until they saw Mom……….and then they knew.  So they instructed us to keep our windows closed and good luck.
Dad and I got Mom to the doctor, and she came home with a nice new cast…….and still with her colitis, as strong as ever.  I don’t even remember how high her blood pressure was at this point, but I’m pretty sure that Dad’s and mine was right up there with Mom’s.  At least now we also had a wheelchair, and so life was a little easier……..except that our quarters weren’t exactly big enough, especially the bathroom doors, for a wheelchair.  Boy oh boy!
The Mexicans were working on the roof and we had our windows closed, but we noticed the dark clouds that were rolling in over the mountains.  Surely not.  It couldn’t be threatening rain in Arizona in October.  Not with our roof off………not with Mom in a wheelchair and a cast.  Soon our doorbell rang, and one of the Mexican men stood there rapidly firing off his mixture of Spanish and English.  I knew enough to know that he was telling me that they were hurrying as fast as they could to beat the rain, but that most of the roof was still not rain-ready.  And as we stood there, they also told us to move our vehicles because they were spreading tar on the flat roof………and the wind was whipping up because of the approaching storm.  So now we had very little roof and we had blowing tar.  Yes, blowing tar.  The tar didn’t get on our vehicles that we moved, but it blew all over our yard and carport……..and it seeped into our storage room………..and it got tracked all over the inside of the house.
Then the rain came………a hard, blowing rain.  The workers all left………..and we were left with drips coming out of our ceiling all over our quarters.  We used trash cans and buckets and bowls to catch the water.  Which meant that now we had Mom with a broken leg in a cast and with colitis………bad colitis, remember………being pushed quickly up the hall to the bathroom while dodging buckets and bowls and trash cans……….and somehow making it with our help to the toilet.  Soon after this rain fiasco started, I heard Mom in the bathroom laughing.  There she sat on the toilet, with steady drips of water landing right on her head.  Well, at least it was one drip that didn’t need a bucket.  We just kept the toilet lid up to catch the drips, and handed Mom a towel to hold on her head whenever she had to go.
The next day the workers returned and I tell you no lie………the same thing happened.  It rained yet again!  We had to laugh at this point.  I was so thankful for Mom and Dad’s good attitude, especially Mom’s.  Dad was getting a little stressed, of course, as he worried about her and wondered how on earth they were going to get home to West Virginia.  Finally, the decision was made.  My sister, Jan, flew out to Arizona in order to ride home with them.  I picked her up in Phoenix, and on the drive down to Fort Huachuca she asked if I could stop to let her use the bathroom.  On down the road a short way, she asked me once again to stop.  When she got back in the car, I asked if she was OK……..and she sheepishly said that her colitis had flared up.  OH NO!!!!!  She made me promise not to tell Mom and Dad, and she said the next day that she was fine……….and off Mom, Dad, and Jan went to drive back to West Virginia.
From what Jan told us, the drive back across country was pretty much a nightmare.  One day she told me that she stopped counting at 27 the number of times they stopped for Mom’s colitis attacks.  Many bathrooms were not wheelchair accessible.  Some hotels didn’t have any handicap rooms available.  It took at least 5 days to get home………..maybe more………..neither of us can remember.  I do know that Jan said by the time they got home, Dad was totally exhausted and he looked grey.  Poor Mom was wiped out………pardon the pun, but she would totally love that.
But things were not over.  Nope, not by a long shot.  When they got back home, Mom ended up in the hospital with pneumonia!  Yes……..colitis, broken leg, and now pneumonia.  But wait……….there’s more.  While in the hospital with pneumonia, she developed a blood clot and had an embolism.  She was in the best place for that to happen, although it was still a miracle that she didn’t die.  Of all things, this was her second embolism.  She had one years earlier after toe surgery.  She must be some sort of statistical miracle for sure!
This long story is just to show that through it all……….through this absolutely horrible vacation……….Mom and Dad stayed calm and strong.  Especially Mom.  Her strong will and her sense of humor kicked in, and she never acted like she was down or distressed.  She joked about everything and made the whole situation easier.
And most of all, as she lay in that hospital bed after the embolism, she said that God comforted her by giving her the verse that became her verse.  I wrote about that verse yesterday.  Psalm 46:10 – “Be still and know that I am God.”  She said she lay there and just let her mind dwell on that verse.  She knew that God was in charge of all this craziness, and in charge of her health………..and that if she died, it would be fine………..and if not, then she would remember that He is God.
Tomorrow is Mom’s 87th birthday.  She has Alzheimer’s and has forgotten more than she remembers now.   I bet she can’t remember that disaster of a vacation…….and maybe that’s best.  But I’m thankful that the rest of us can think of it and remember what a testimony she was through it all.
We love you, Mom!  And we think of what you always said when you had these colitis episodes……”It’ll all come out OK in the end.”   HaHaHa!  That’s my Mom!

 

My Tug of War

Two or three weeks ago, on a Sunday, I was having one of those days when my mind kept going to some incidents in our past…….hurtful, unresolved affairs that I find myself dwelling upon  more often than I should.  Much in the same way that I need to redirect Aaron on a bad day, I find myself at these times in need of redirection.  But when it’s me trying to redirect me, it just sometimes doesn’t work out so well.  If I’m not careful, I will become mired in my negative thoughts and in re-living all the events and feelings once again.   All the hurt and pain come bubbling up to the surface, not benefiting me one bit and not at all what the Lord wants me to be doing. 

On this particular Sunday, as soon as my mind started down that familiar path, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart in such a clear way that it was almost as if I heard an audible voice.  He spoke God’s Word to me……..one simple verse that happens to be my mother’s favorite verse.  “Be still, and know that I am God.”  (Psalm 46:10a)  This verse kept going through my mind on that early Sunday afternoon.  As soon as I could, I went to the desk where I keep my Bible and my study books.  I looked up the word “still” and I was very blessed by what I found. 

I know that my NIV Bible says, “Cease striving and know that I am God.”  That’s a correct translation of the phrase “be still.”  But what I saw first as I looked in my concordance under “still” was the word “slacken.”  Instantly my mind went to the game I played many times on the playground at Knob Elementary School when I was a young girl.  We would take a rope and choose teams, and then play Tug of War.  We loved that game!  Each of us would take the rope and then pull with all our might against the pulling of the opposite team.  We were determined to win, and the only way to do it was to keep pulling and tugging.  Letting go or letting up was not an option if we wanted the victory.


The tug of war I find myself in now, though, is quite different than the game I played as a child.  I am actually in a tug of war with God whenever I pick up that rope of my hurts, curl my fingers around the rough rope, and beginning pulling.  But there is no winning for me as I pull with all my might.  The more I think of my hurts, the harder I pull on that rope……….and in the process, the more defeated I am actually becoming.   God is on the other side of the rope, holding on with all His power………just waiting for me to slacken my end…….to quit struggling and pulling in this losing game.

In my Bible I have a note by Psalm 46:10.  I have written: “Take your hands off.”  Yes, there it is again…….that reminder to slacken the rope……….to loosen my grip…….to take my hands off.  And there is God, on the other side of the rope, waiting to pull me to Himself and to take me in His arms, reminding me of His might and His love. 

I wish I learned these lessons the first time, but I don’t.  I may slacken my grip on my thoughts and let God take over, but don’t you know it’s not long before I repeat the process…………over and over again.  Every time I start reviewing those hurts, I am picking up the rope.  Every time I start worrying about my children, I have bent over and am putting that rope in my hands.  Every time I become focused on the culture and the political climate, worrying about where it will all lead, I am curling my fingers once again around that rope.  Every time I question why God isn’t seeming to answer my prayers, I am jamming my feet into the ground and getting ready to pull.

What God wants me to do, however, is just the opposite.  When the worries and the thoughts and the hurts crowd my brain, and I bend over to pick up that rope, He wants me to instead just let it slacken.  Ease my grip, let the rope fall, and run to Him in prayer and reading His Word and dwelling on Who I know that He is. 

This verse says, “Be still (slacken that rope!) and know that I am God.”  That’s all.  Know that He is God.  That’s all I need to know………and that’s plenty, if I really stop to think about it.  In the knowing comes the trusting, because I do know that He can be trusted with all my worries and hurts and pains.  It’s time for me to put that trust into daily practice……..to slacken my hold on that rope………to take my hands off……..and let God win. 

And in the long run, when God wins, I win.  Every time.  

I Threw Up

When Aaron has an ache or a pain, it becomes the center of his conversation and his thoughts.  He also thinks that it should become our main focus as well, and he does everything in his power to see that it does just that.  Of course, Aaron’s main power is his mouth……..so he talks and talks about his ache or his pain until he himself has become a regular pain……to us.  It can be quite an interesting circle in which we find ourselves.

For instance, Aaron’s leg.  He bumped his leg on the van at his day group, so he says, and it must have really been painful……..at least to hear him tell it.  There were two little open scrapes, too, so band-aids were needed – as was lots of sympathy.  I gave sympathy until I was blue in the face, and still he talked and talked and talked about his poor leg.  I assured him that his leg was not broken, because he was sure that it was, and that the bruising would heal as would the scrapes.  But Aaron is not one to let go of a topic too easily.

“Mom,” he said.  “I hurt my leg.  When I walk it’s like I bend the bruise.”  And he waits for the appropriate sympathetic response.

“Mom,” he said another time.  “My leg hurts.  It’s like the sore has been spread up.”  And he waits once more for the sympathy that he hopes is coming.

“Mom,”  he continued yet again.  “Did I break my muscle?”  And he doesn’t even notice my sigh as he looks yet again for his mother’s soft sympathy.  But the sympathy from mom is not as heartfelt and sweet now, he notices.  Mom is more to the point now and doesn’t even stop to look at the hurt leg.  So he tries another tactic.

“Mom,”  he blurted out.  “I hate my body!”   And with this, Mom’s head jerks up and she looks alarmed.    Ah, Aaron thinks……….I got a better response with that one! 

“Not my whole body,” he explained, “but my leg part!”

And Mom very nearly took his leg part apart in order to hit him over the head with it!  But Aaron didn’t know that, thank goodness, and after a little, partially sympathetic talk he was once again happily assured that Mom did still care about his pathetic leg.

I was very happy when his leg was better and wasn’t the center of Aaron’s universe.  However, this morning Aaron said that he threw up some.  He also threw up a little yesterday morning.  He seems fine and I suspect it may be from all the peanuts that he’s eating at night when he reads before bed.  Whether he really threw up this morning is a mystery because I didn’t see it.  The fact that it’s Monday and that he has to go to his day group may be more a motivator to him than anything.  The throw-up card could come in handy in order to be able to stay at home.  And so began his list of symptoms, beginning with the throw-up. 

Seeing that this didn’t elicit an immediate “You can stay home today, Aaron” from me, he went to his next malady.  “Mom, every now and then right now my head hurts.” 

I know, Aaron, but here’s your coffee and I’m sure that will help you feel better. 

“Mom, I threw up.”

I know you threw up, Aaron, but I bet that after your shower and your coffee you’ll start feeling much better.

I didn’t challenge or confront him, and I went busily back upstairs to finish getting ready.  Soon he was in the bathroom, saying, “Guess what I saw in the mirror this morning?”  And with that, he held up his arm to show me………..what?  He continued, “See, Mom?  Bumps!”

Aaron, those are skin tags and many people have those under their arms.

“They’re not bumps?”

Nope……skin tags.  So Aaron disappointingly headed for the shower, returning several more times to talk.  I finally asked him if he wanted to stop at Dillon’s on our way to meet his group.  He could get something to take with him to eat, I told him.  I could see that Aaron was very interested in that prospect, so off he went to take his shower.  Having something else to think about rather than throw-up and headaches and skin tags was working wonders.

I felt like we were out of the woods when, after his shower, Aaron stood in my bathroom and talked non-stop about clone armies, Republic Commando, squads……..and then moved on to mutated viruses of various sorts.  But there was no talk of his various ailments or that he was too tired to go to Paradigm, and I felt that we were almost over the “I don’t want to go today” hurdles.  Some people may call it bribery, but I still always remember what Aaron’s wonderful teacher, Tom, used to say……”Sometimes you have to make it worth their while.”  Sometimes re-directing Aaron’s thoughts from his “I don’t want to’s” to something more pleasant is just beneficial to all of us.  It may be a cup of coffee, or saying that Jackson can ride in the van with us, or a stop at the store on the way to his group that will help Aaron to turn the corner and to quit obsessing about himself.

Of course, as we walked in the automatic door at Dillon’s, Aaron……in his bright orange shirt………..held both arms out to his sides as the doors opened and actually pushed one a little bit.  “Aaron!” I hissed.  “Don’t do that!!” 

“What, Mom?” he replied.  “You don’t want me to be Hercules?”  So for two aisles we discussed why Aaron was not Hercules and why I didn’t want him to be Hercules and why couldn’t he be Hercules……..as he grabbed two containers of his favorite croissants and a Gatorade and we stood in the self check-out line, where he gave me a little whack on my behind.

“Aaron!”  I hissed again.  “Do NOT whack me there!” 

“What, Mom?”  he again replied.  “You don’t want me to hit you on the butt?” 


Aaron, stand here and bag your food.  And no, I do not want you to hit me there.  And don’t ask why again because you know why.  Aaron, come here and finish bagging.  Aaron, don’t back up into that person behind you.  Yes, those skeletons are there for Halloween.  Don’t back up!  Here, bag your Gatorade!  No, don’t take the bags yet.  We’re not finished.  Aaron, where are you going? 


Sigh.  Dillon’s seemed like such a good idea when we were at home.  I grabbed the receipt and quickly followed Aaron out the doors, thankful that both of his hands were full of grocery bags.

No Hercules this time!  But there WILL be a next time.  There always is with Aaron.

The Serrated Line

On Wednesday night Aaron wanted to play a game, like he does every night of his life……and since I was too sleepy to feel like I could stay awake to read a book, I agreed to a game of Tri-Ominos with Aaron.  Does that sound self-serving?  I also agreed to a game because I do love Aaron, but sometimes I don’t like spending time with Aaron.  That may have sounded worse.  Well, anyway, some nights I just don’t have it in me, or I really don’t have the time, to sit at the table and play a game with Aaron.  Because it’s not just playing a game……….it’s listening to his non-stop talking on most nights about a movie or a favorite game………and listening to him thump on the table with his hand………..and listening to him whistle…….and listening to him clap…….and listening to him slurp out of his water bottle……..
But Aaron can also be very funny and insightful and interesting.  I’ve beaten him several times recently in Tri-Ominos, so he was absolutely thrilled when our first game went by quickly and he BEAT Mom 171-25!!!!   Of course, he wanted to play again and since we had time and I had no easy way out, I agreed.  This second game went by much slower, naturally.  His talk of clone armies and squads and drones and I don’t even remember what else was definitely having an effect on me.  I could NOT stop yawning and rubbing my eyes.  I was in a haze when I saw that Aaron had reached over and picked up my cardboard coupon from Bath and Body Works.  It was actually two coupons, with the serrated line between them.
I have to explain that Aaron, who clips all of my grocery coupons, can sniff out a coupon from another room.  I had a little stack of restaurant and other store coupons laying there on the table.  I keep them in a box in the van so I have them when I need them, and I had set these aside to take to the box later.  I’ve told Aaron and told Aaron that I don’t want many of those coupons to be clipped.  I prefer to store a sheet of those coupons in my box, for instance, instead of having 15 little cut coupons getting lost in the box.  Aaron’s radar went right to the Bath and Body coupons with the serrated line that was just screaming at him.  TEAR ME APART!………..is what it was saying to Aaron.  I looked over at Aaron through another yawn and saw that he held that little coupon strip in his hand, staring down at it with his motive clear.  YES, I WILL TEAR YOU APART!……..is what Aaron was saying to the coupons.
Now I realize this is no big deal, but you must understand that if you give Aaron an inch, he will take a mile……….clipping everything with lines on it along the way.  On Sundays, I have taken out some of the coupons from the newspaper insert that I don’t need in order to lessen his coupon cutting load.  But if he finds them, he gets irritated and insists on taking them so he can cut them out.  He doesn’t care that I won’t use them.  They have lines and they MUST be cut!!!  Can you spell r-i-g-i-d     r-o-u-t-i-n-e-s? 
So when I saw him with my Bath and Body coupon strip, my haze suddenly cleared and I told Aaron to put my coupons down, even as he was already starting to bend them at that screaming serrated line.  It took him a few agonizing seconds to put them back over in the little coupon stack where they belonged.  He so very much felt the need to tear those coupons apart.  I explained, as usual, that I didn’t want those coupons torn apart.  “But Mom,” he countered, “they have that line where they’re supposed to come apart.” 
No, Aaron, they don’t HAVE to come apart.  But my words did nothing to settle that conflict in his head about the purpose of that serrated line.  He thought that Mom was certainly ridiculous to not have torn the coupons apart already, and he was here to set this matter straight.  Several more times during our final game of Tri-Ominos I saw him with the coupons in his hands, and each time I told him no……..do not tear the coupons apart.  Finally, he reached across the table and handed me the little coupon strip.  He knew that the pull to tear those coupons apart was too strong to resist, so he handed me the coupons in an effort to rid himself of this strong temptation. 
“You just can’t resist tearing the coupons apart, can you, Aaron?” I asked.   And he agreed that he could not resist………so there, Mom!  Take them!  I kept the tempting coupons with me for the rest of the game, out of Aaron’s reach, and when we were through with our game I put them back in the stack of coupons waiting to be taken to the van.
The next morning,  Aaron got up and soon joined me at the kitchen table.  We talked for a few minutes about how he slept and about his upcoming day.  I was reading the paper as we talked, absorbed in juggling Aaron’s conversation with what I was reading………….when I heard it.  It was the soft but unmistakable sound of something being torn apart at a serrated line.  Zzzzzzzip.   My head jerked up and there sat Aaron, smiling broadly as he held those little Bath and Body coupons…….one in each hand.  He had torn them apart, of course.  His smile was not one of meanness, but instead was one of relief, almost.  His purpose in life………..for that moment………had been fulfilled.  The coupons were no longer tormenting him to tear them apart.  The deed was done!  The mission accomplished! 
Of course, I fussed at him and tried to correct him…….all the while knowing that he absolutely could not restrain himself from carrying out the purpose of that serrated line.  This is part of the complexity of Aaron.  I would say charm, but sometimes it’s anything BUT charming………..although these acts are often amusing as I look at Aaron’s gleaming eyes and big smile.
That afternoon he called me from his day group.  He had actually called several times during the day, but I wasn’t able to answer then.  When I did pick up the phone, the very first words out of his mouth, spoken with great feeling, were, “I couldn’t reach you!”
No hello or anything………..just, “I couldn’t reach you!”

Bingo, I thought!  Aaron, most of the time I can’t reach you either!  And I have some torn apart coupons to prove it!

NEXT Labor Day??

Ahhhhhh.   That’s me breathing a big sigh of relief after safely and happily delivering Aaron to meet his group today.  After a long break from Paradigm for the Labor Day weekend, I fully expected a grouchy Aaron to come barreling down the stairs this morning.  This fear was further confirmed when I heard him open his bedroom door early this morning.  An early rising after a long weekend at home usually means one thing………an unhappy Aaron not wanting to enter into his normal routine again.  It almost always points to Aaron sighing deeply while telling me how tired he is and that he can’t go to Paradigm, etc., etc. 

So I braced myself when after a few minutes I heard Aaron’s unmistakable loud thumping down the stairs.  His steps sounded chipper, not slow and labored, so maybe just maybe  he would be happy this morning.  He came into the family room carrying his big fuzzy brown blanket, his fuzzy black pillow that goes behind his back while he watches TV, his yucky hand towel that he carries everywhere because he never knows when he will need to wipe something yucky off of his hands onto his handy yucky towel, and his back scratcher that not only scratches his back but mostly is used to whack the arm of the couch or the ottoman – loudly. 

I still sat cautiously at the kitchen table as I tried to determine his mood.  “Mom!” he exclaimed.  “I slept well last night!”  Then I knew that he was happy on this post Labor Day morning.  We were off to a great start and I was very relieved, though I didn’t let Aaron know that.  No need to call attention yet to the fact that going to Paradigm was on the horizon.  Aaron continued, “Mom, last night I was reading in my Handy History Answer book.  I was reading about the Huns!”  He paused as he always does for me to have a chance to show that I am interested in hearing more about the Huns………although even if I don’t express such interest he’ll tell me more…….much, much more……about the Huns than I ever wanted to know. 

He did continue, of course.  “I’ve never heard of the Huns,” he said.  I reminded him that he had heard of the Huns back in school but somehow he didn’t seem to remember.  He was surprised that they were fighters and then said, “I thought they sounded like a religion kind of church group.” 

Nuns, Aaron.  That would be nuns.  Not Huns.

And I was glad that Aaron was making me laugh this morning instead of making me do something like pulling out my hair, as he sometimes does.  We’ve had a little of both on this long weekend just behind us.  The hair pulling hasn’t been over anything bad,  but listening to long drawn-out eternal conversations about the movie The Fly……..and then the movie Ghost Rider……..has been pretty overwhelming at times.  “Mom!  That guy was transformating into a fly in that machine!!”  And off he flew from there with all the talk of The Fly……and then Ghost Rider and flaming skeletons and watching multiple movie clips of both movies and trying to pay attention and answer a myriad of questions that I don’t know the answers to……….or even care to know the answers to……….

Tiring, to say the least.  And Aaron still talked to matter what we were doing.  He talked when we took Jackson on a walk.  He talked when we went shopping.  He talked when we went out to eat.  He talked when we watched racing on television, pausing long enough to see his brother, Andrew, on ESPN and being totally unimpressed.  Now if Andrew had been transformating into a fly or if he was a flaming skeleton, Aaron would have been very impressed.   Otherwise, not so much.

He also talked when we played Tri-Ominos. I dug out that old game and Aaron has enjoyed playing it once again.  Of course, he also spends a great deal of time making sure that all the edges of the many Tri-Ominos pieces are put together as perfectly as possible.  Scoot, scoot, scoot all those little triangles around!  But it does keep him focused on something else for awhile other than The Fly and Ghost Rider. 


So did finding a pile of Brain Seed Pods in our neighbor’s yard while we took our walk.  Oh, I know some people call them Hedge Apples but to Aaron they are Brain Seed Pods……..always have been and always will be.    

He also found a new television show to watch and TALK about this weekend.  It’s Animal Planet’s Call of the Wildman………about Turtleman.  This guy is wild and crazy and catches animals that are bothering people……….and Aaron loves him, naturally.  Aaron’s world is expanding, I guess.  Now we’ll be listening to a wild man on TV and living with one for real.

Back to reality, it was good to see Aaron be compliant and happy all morning with not one wild moment.  He took some baby carrots to give to Rosie along with a small bottle of juice.  He loves taking something to give to Rosie.  As I talked to his driver this morning, Aaron heard us saying that Paradigm was technically open yesterday but very few clients were there.  He got a wild look in those eyes of his as he blurted out, “Mom?!  Can I stay home on Labor Day??”

“Aaron,” I calmly answered, “you just stayed home on Labor Day.”

“I mean NEXT year!!” he continued.  “Can I stay home NEXT year on Labor Day?!!” 

Oh dear.  He was in no mood now to be laughed at, so I had to wait until I drove off to laugh loudly at his urgency to make sure he gets to stay home NEXT year on Labor Day.

And so life returns to normal after our holiday weekend………whatever normal is for us with our special, and sometimes slightly wild, Aaron.

The Power of Pancakes

I hadn’t been sitting on our patio very long on this beautiful Monday morning when the door opened and there came Aaron.  Remember yesterday?  I wrote about happy Aaron……happy to talk and talk…..happy to eat and to try a new smoothie…….happy to watch Zookeeper……..and happy to talk and talk about Zookeeper, among other things.  But this morning I saw a very different Aaron.  This Aaron was disheveled and frowning and tired.  Very enormously tired.  His finger was wrapped in a band-aid because he had torn a large piece of skin off near his nail.  And to top off his misery, he knew that Dad and I had taken the van in for some repairs.  This meant that his Paradigm driver would be picking him up at home today instead of us meeting them at Quik Trip like we normally do.  A change in routine on top of huge tiredness was putting Aaron on overload, and putting me on alert.

“Do I have to go today?” he asked.  I told him yes, knowing this wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear, but still saying it with a smile and some pep.  Aaron wasn’t buying it.  “Why?” he asked, this time with an angry edge to his voice.  So I gave him the reasons that I always give……..that this is where he goes and what he does; that he has fun there; that he has friends there……and he angrily replied, “I don’t care!” 

Now the pep in my voice changed to firmness and he settled down in his chair for a minute.  Then I told him that I was going to pour his coffee before I went up to shower.  He was quiet.  So I asked, “Hey, would you like some pancakes?”  And Aaron told me that he did NOT want pancakes………so I said OK and we sat there in silence for a minute or two.  I finally pushed out of my chair and turned to open the door to go inside.  Aaron was right behind me, and as the door closed and I turned to pour his coffee, he said, “OK.  I’ll take some pancakes.”

I got out the old cookbook – one that I’ve had since Gary and I got married.  I stirred together the pancake batter as the skillet heated, and soon I had three pancakes ready for Aaron to eat.  By now he was enjoying the music I was playing, and was talking away, relaxed and happy.  He took the plate of pancakes to the table, along with many pieces of silverware and the napkins and toothpicks and the comics.  He spied the next three pancakes that were soon ready and claimed them as well.  As he saw me finish making the last pancakes, he asked if I would sit at the table with him and eat as well.  I really wanted to go take my shower and get this day going, but I knew that he wanted me to stay there and so I did.  I munched on a pancake and listened to Aaron talk, of course.


He was very excited to tell me that he had finished the chapter he was reading in his Handy Science Answer Book.  “Last night I finished that one chapter and I arrived in that other chapter,” he proudly told me.  He went up to his room so that he could bring the book down and show me where he had arrived in the book.  He talked about numbers again, like he did yesterday, except today it was things like Pi and what it means and why it’s used……..and I suggested that he read that part of his book again instead of asking me.  Aaron finished his breakfast and went upstairs to shower while I cleaned the kitchen and got the sprinklers turned on outside.  After his shower, I put some medicine on his finger along with a clean band-aid.  I helped him with his belt, and he asked for help with his shoes, too…….saying that his finger hurt.
 
The morning was slipping away from me.  I knew I might be in the shower when Aaron’s ride came, and knowing that he was still a little “iffy” about the ride business and the whole idea of going today, I decided to wait on my shower until Aaron left.  Therefore, we sat on the front porch watching the sprinklers water our new grass seed.  Aaron was happy to have my time and attention, of course, so he talked and talked…………mostly about the Zookeeper movie once again.  Oh my goodness, he remembers every scene and wants to dissect every conversation and every look and every mannerism.  The heat and the sound of the sprinklers and his monotone voice was driving me nearly into a state of deep sleep……..but every time I felt my eyes closing, I’d hear him saying, “Right, Mom?”  I would fumble with some lame answer to a question I barely heard and he was content as he moved right on to the next sentence that had to be said.

Finally, his ride came and off Aaron went.  I tried to get my already late day into gear.  It wasn’t  going quite as I had planned.  I wasn’t frustrated, really.  I knew that making the pancakes and then spending time with Aaron had probably saved the day for him……..and therefore, for me in the long run.  Aaron left with a full stomach and with a back rub as we had sat on the porch glider together.  He was happy and said goodbye to me nicely.  Time spent with Aaron is never wasted, but sometimes it’s hard to let what I want to do be put aside to do what’s best for him.

Later, as I hand watered a section of our grass, I thought about how our children are like those fragile seeds that lay in the dirt.  They need watering and care, even when we don’t feel like it on some days.  We understand this as mothers, especially when our children are still young enough to live at home and be under our care.  But when we are older, and our children are older, the watering is mostly done and we then have more time to pursue other things.  Yet there I was this morning, making pancakes for my 28 year old son…….and sitting with him on the porch glider…….and rubbing his back……….and listening to his constant talking. 

I still have watering to do for this boy who is a man in years only.  It is not another’s responsibility but is what God has given Gary and I to do.  As I watered that seed, I thought of other moms that I know who are caring for grandchildren full-time…………or who are raising more than one child with special needs……..or who happily take foster children into their homes.  These women amaze me!  I was humbled as I thought about them and I felt very blessed to have their example to spur me on toward victory in this walk.  There’s not much room for selfishness, that’s for sure. 

Over the weekend, I had told Aaron that we should play Tri-Ominos sometime.  It’s been a long time since we played that game.  He asked me to play it with him tonight.  It was tempting to say no, but something made me think again………something about that seed that I had watered.  And those pancakes that I had made this morning.  So we played a round of Tri-Ominos tonight.  It was good.  He and I were content.  And as I urged him later to be quiet because Dad was in bed, needing his sleep for another hard day of work tomorrow, Aaron asked me to just tickle his back for a minute as we stood by his bed.  I wasn’t really wanting to do that, but I’m glad I did it.  You know why? 

Because Aaron told me about seeing the Hyatt Hotel downtown, except he pronounced it “Hi-yot.”  So Aaron said, “Mom, what is the Hi-yot downtown?” 

“The what?” I asked.

“The Hi-yot,” he repeated.  “You know.  That hotel.”

And I laughed, and Aaron didn’t mind that I laughed.  He said that Barb laughed at Paradigm, too, when he told her about the Hi-yot.  Which made me laugh again as Aaron stood there enjoying the back tickling.  If I hadn’t been tickling Aaron’s back, I perhaps would never have heard about the Hi-yot.  And I would not have had the laughter that warmed my heart and this memory that draws my heart to Aaron. 

No moment is wasted with our children…….not a single one.  From pancakes to the Hi-yot……..it was a good day.

A Million……..A Billion…….

There was a knock on my locked bedroom door yesterday morning as I was getting ready for church.  Of course I knew it was Aaron.  What I didn’t know as I opened the door is that I would find him standing there in his underwear……..and a shirt, thankfully.   “Well, Aaron!” I exclaimed as I turned to walk back in my room.  “You could put some clothes on!” 

“But Mom!” he said.  “It’s 78 degrees outside!  What do you think of that temperature?”  So began my day with Aaron.  He wanted to discuss the outdoor temperature, as he often does, while standing there in his underwear……….and he thought there was nothing odd about this.  What he thought was odd was the fact that Mom was laughing.  What was so funny about the outdoor temperature of 78 degrees anyway?  I told him that this was a nice temperature, warm but not hot, and he was satisfied with my critique of a 78 degree outdoor temperature.  I also told him to please put some clothes on, such as shorts, and so he went back to his room to do my bidding……..and probably to check once again on his weather station clock to see if the outdoor temperature had reached 79 degrees yet. 

He was soon back in my room, this time to talk about his Handy Science Answer Book and the chapter that he is just finishing.  Or maybe just starting.  I can’t keep it straight, but I don’t tell him that I can’t keep it straight because he will then talk ad infinitum in an effort to keep me straight.  He wanted to talk on this morning about numbers.  “Mom, after a million comes a trillion.”  I reminded him that between a million and a trillion is a billion.  Oh yes, he had forgotten about a billion.  He continued, “And you know what, Mom?  Scientists are trying to wonder if there’s a quadrillion.”  That’s about how many times I wonder if Aaron will ever get tired of talking about these things, actually.   And off Aaron went to find Gary so he could probably tell him about the million, billion, and so forth.

Aaron’s happy day continued, even though he had a hard time eating the ribs that Gary grilled after church.  He complained of his back molars hurting, despite having them checked repeatedly.  His near-anger vanished as he ate some softer food, but his disappointment returned later in the day when he asked if I would take him to Sonic for a milkshake and I suggested that he try a smoothie that I wanted to make…….one that was supposed to taste like a Wendy’s frosty.  He was sullen and unconvinced that this substitute for a milkshake would be any good, but after his first sip I knew that he liked it.  In fact, he asked for a second one when the first glass was empty……and his mood lightened when I said yes. 

We then watched Zookeeper, the movie that his day group had watched on Friday.  This made Aaron very happy.  He tried to tell Gary and I what happened before we saw it happen…….and he laughed very loudly at the funny parts……..and he clapped even louder than he laughed as he got excited………and he asked tons of questions……..and it was a very typical movie-watching experience with Aaron.  At least the movie was fairly easy to watch, unlike Sharktopus or Vortex 5 or that spin-off of Towering Inferno that Andrea and I endured when she was home a couple weeks ago.  A Japanese movie dubbed in English?  Please, never again.  So Zookeeper was stellar compared to those, and we were all happy despite the clapping and the yelling……..from Aaron, not the zoo animals.

Of course, he talked for the rest of the evening about Zookeeper……..every animal, every scene, every word, every single little part.  I could hardly say goodnight between his continual rundown of the movie.  Finally, as I turned to walk out of his room, him in mid-sentence or not……he wanted to ask just one more time about the wolf that was in the movie.  “Mom, was that a Swiss wolf?  Like from Alaska?  What species was it?  Was it a Swedish wolf?”  I just hurriedly told him that I didn’t know because at this point my brain was dying and I was so confused about this Swiss Alaskan Swedish wolf. 

I closed…..and locked……our bedroom door.  I was in “preservation of the mom and dad species” mode at this point.  But Aaron was not done.  Oh no.   He remembered that he had forgotten one more nugget of information that he had stored in his brain…….and one more question concerning that nugget.  He somehow remembered that he had not finished his morning conversation concerning numbers.  Yes, he was back to numbers once again……….back to the morning, but thankfully this time with his shorts being worn. 
“Mom!  I was reading about Roman numerals.  Are they from China?”

Oh, good grief, Aaron!  I didn’t say that, but I did think that.  The words Aaron heard were, “No, Aaron, Roman numerals are not from China.  Roman numerals are from ROME!”
 
“Rome?” he asked.  “So Romans didn’t know how to use American numbers?”

I was done.  I didn’t care about Swiss or Swedish wolves that might be from Alaska.  I didn’t care if he skipped a billion between a million and a trillion.  I didn’t care about Chinese Roman numerals.  And I definitely did not care whether he went to bed thinking that Romans didn’t know how to use American numbers.

All I did care about was Aaron going to bed………..so that we could go to bed.  And therefore I just said yes, Romans didn’t know how to use American numbers.  I went to bed and slept, despite the fact that I had given Aaron wrong historical information.  I slept with not one twinge of guilt about the incorrect sequence of Roman and American numerology that I had left with my son the night before.

Besides, I’ll hear it all again and maybe I’ll correct this historical mess the next time that Aaron brings it up. 

Maybe. 

Aaron’s Footprints

I wrote a blog in January of this year entitled Footprints.  I wrote about two young men, Tyler and Paul, who left footprints of blessing in Aaron’s life.  Today I’ve once again been thinking about footprints, but in a different way than before.  It all started this morning with Aaron saying, “Mom!  Guess what woke me up at 5:30?”  Since I could not guess what woke Aaron up, and since he barreled right ahead without really even giving me a chance to guess what woke him up, he continued.  “Dad walking down the steps.”

“How did you know it was Dad walking down the steps?” I asked.   Aaron quickly answered, “Because I know his footprints.  His footprints are heavier than yours.  Yours are lighter.”  I smiled, thinking of how on another occasion Aaron had described Gary’s footsteps as being deeper than mine.  Today he used the word “footprints” instead of “footsteps.”  With both words, though, he talked about hearing our feet as we walked without even being able to see us.  He recognized who was there without sight because he was so used to the sound of our steps. 

I’ve thought about this today in relation to Aaron’s footsteps and therefore his footprints in our lives.  Physically speaking, Aaron’s footsteps are very, very loud.  He doesn’t usually just walk up the stairs, for instance.  He thumps on each step with such force  that he sounds like a huge animal going up the stairs.  The same is true as he barrels down the stairs, and even as he crosses the floor.  Clump, clump, clump!  There is no mistaking that Aaron is on the move! 

Often when we walk into Aaron’s room to tell him something, we’ll find him with his headphones on as he plays a computer game or watches a movie.  He can hear us coming in, but he acts like he can’t.  We’ll speak to him or touch his shoulder, and he’ll give a fake jump and then loudly say, “You scared me!”  The other day I was downstairs on my computer when Aaron came home from his group.  I heard him, of course, but as he came down the stairs to find me he decided to turn the tables and be the one to do the scaring.  It was so funny to hear him trying very hard to come down the stairs as quietly as Aaron can be quiet………which isn’t very quiet at all.  But I played along and didn’t turn as he came into the room where I was sitting with my back to him.  He walked near my desk and then stopped, so I finally turned around and found him standing there with a huge grin on his face.  “I was trying to scare you, Mom!” he exclaimed.  “Did I scare you?”   I told him that he did scare me and I faked being scared as much as Aaron fakes being scared and he was very happy to have scared Mom!


Emotionally, Aaron certainly leaves footprints in our lives that we hear loud and clear.  One minute we’re laughing and the next we’re wanting to yell……….and sometimes do!  This morning he was talking to me and he was so happy.  Then I felt that little sting that he inflicts when he puts his middle finger behind his thumb and gives me a ping on my arm or my back.  I fussed at him all the way up the stairs!   And I know he’ll do it again at the first chance. 


Sometimes Aaron’s footsteps are light, as he says that mine are.  He can be funny and happy, showing us a view of life that we don’t see otherwise.  He notices everything, like this morning when he talked about the three sprinkler tripods that Gary set up in the front yard to water some grass seed.  “Mom, I see dad put sprinkler systems in the yard.  There’s almost a lot of them.”   I asked him how many sprinklers are “almost a lot” and he simply said, “Three.”  He didn’t say it, but I do believe he was thinking that Mom was very slow today.

Or the day that there was a staging crew at the house for sale across the street from us.  Aaron asked what they were doing and I told him they were staging the house to help it sell……..and I explained staging.  Later he went out to the garage and told Gary, “Dad!  There were scavengers in that house today!!”  Gary came in laughing and Aaron was still wondering about scavengers. 

His descriptions of things are amazing and unique and so funny.  Talking about a hot air balloon as opposed to a blimp, he said, “You know a hot air balloon……..the one with the bag on top!”  After listening to a song several times that I had played on a CD, he complained, “Mom, you got that song stuck in my head.  I want it stuck OUT of my head!!”  And describing the fact that his whiskers on his cheeks have grown some, he informed me, “Mom, the whiskers on the side of me have grown!”

Just as Aaron leaves footprints of frustration or footsteps of joy in our lives, he also leaves us at times with those deeper prints……….those times when we see his vulnerability and when we get a glimpse of his heart.  When he tenderly puts his arm around my shoulder and lays his head against mine………for no reason but to want to be close for a few seconds.  When he can’t speak after a seizure but looks at me with such trust and pleading in his eyes.  When I look outside and see him sitting by the mulch, thinking his thoughts and processing his stories in his head.  When he offers Andrea or Andrew a movie to take with them when they leave after a visit, or when he wants to buy them candy at the store when they are here.    When he calls me from his day group, like he did today, and says with childlike joy, “Mom!  I’ve been good today!”  And certainly when he talks about Rosie, like this morning when he said, “Mom, Rosie likes me.  What does it mean that she likes me?”


Sometimes Aaron’s footprints leave us heavy, as he described Gary’s prints.  Heavy with guilt as we react angrily to him.  Heavy with worry when he has seizures, or when we wonder about his future.  Heavy with responsibility as we weigh medical decisions, weight loss, friendships or lack thereof, and many other issues.  Heavy with tiredness at the end of a long day, when Aaron wants to play a game or wants help with getting every single wrinkle out of his bed or wants to ask about the weather one more time or tell me that he saw an ant in the sink……..and then thumps up the hall and knocks on the door one more time to tell me what the current outdoor temperature is.   Really?

With the deep prints and the light prints of Aaron we learn more about him……….and we learn much more about ourselves.  Some of what I learn about me isn’t so pleasant, and then at times what I learn is that I have grown a lot by having Aaron in my life.  Some of his prints I see and some I only hear, but they all are a definite part of my heart and of who I am today.  And I can hear him loud and clear, like when he was trying to quietly sneak down the stairs and scare me.  He doesn’t even know that I can hear him all day long, but I can.  In my heart I can hear him and I know his footprints in my life.

I pray that each step…….each print……..will make me a better mother to our special son.

Day By Day

My last blog was about the meltdown that Aaron and I both had last week.  Wednesday evening was not a time that I want to re-live.  I’m very thankful for the fact that Aaron and I  have been able to move beyond it.  I’m amazed at both his ability to act like nothing ever happened, and his inability to stop the impulsive behaviors that cause him so much anguish. 

On Thursday, the day after all the mess, Aaron didn’t want to go to Paradigm.  Whenever he has a significant incident,  he doesn’t want to face the people or the place right away.  I know this about Aaron so it didn’t surprise me at all that he didn’t want to go to his day group.  I also know better than to try to force him to go.  He calmed down on that morning when he realized that I wasn’t going to make him go, even as he promised that on Friday he would go to Paradigm.  He and I went to our optometry clinic, where they tried to repair Aaron’s glasses but couldn’t.  However, they were able to order new frames under warranty so there won’t be any charge.  This was the beginning of a day of blessings.

Aaron was fairly somber that morning, so I took that opportunity to talk to him again about his actions that sometimes get him in trouble.  As we began to talk, he asked, “What is my problem?  What do I do?”  He wanted to know what it is that he does that causes him such trouble with others at times.  His honest question surprised me.  I told him about the way that he likes to poke, pinch, and hit others.  Aaron thinks that this is funny, but no one else likes it.  Or they may tolerate it for awhile but then erupt in fury, such as happened the day before. 

Aaron listened, and then told me that he had talked to Melinda, one of the staff, about how he likes to hit and poke people.  He said, “I told Melinda that I think it’s fun.  Tomorrow I’m going to tell her that it’s not fun to me.”  There it was…………another glimpse into Aaron’s mind.  He really wants to be able to make himself quit thinking that this behavior is fun.  He rationalizes that if he tells Melinda it’s not fun, then maybe it really won’t be fun to him…….and maybe he can stop himself from this annoying behavior.  This will be easier said than done for Aaron, I know, but for then I encouraged him to keep on thinking this way. 

I had plans on that day to meet my good friend, Atha, for lunch.  I can leave Aaron for a period of time and so I decided to go ahead with our lunch date.  However, I still felt very tired from the bad time the night before.  I knew that time with Atha would be good for me, though, and so I looked forward to lunch.  I got a text from Atha that morning telling me that she had invited her friend, Joyce, to join us for lunch.  I wasn’t sure I was up for that, but off I went to eat lunch with my friend and to try to summon the energy to meet someone new. 

As we ate lunch and as I was getting acquainted with Joyce, I learned that she was widowed last year………but that God had brought a wonderful man into her life and she was going to marry him right after Christmas this year.  The three of us women, of differing ages and situations, shared stories and laughter and yes, tears, as we ate our lunch.  I was relaxing and I was thankful that I had come, and that I was getting to meet this sweet woman with a story of her own pain and joy.  I sat there fully aware that somehow God had ordained this day.  Another blessing was mine in that Applebee’s booth.

I heard my phone jingle, signaling me that I had a text.  I looked quickly to see what it was, and saw that Barb from Paradigm had sent me a message.  She told me that the staff had met, and that they had some plans concerning Aaron.  A therapy dog had been approved, so they were going to start the process of finding a puppy for Aaron and the other clients to love and enjoy.  They are going to set up a safe mulch area for Aaron so he can have some mulch time in which to calm himself.  They plan to schedule staff for small outings that Aaron might enjoy more than some of the big outings………like taking him and Rosie for walks at the YMCA.  She ended by saying, “We love him and we won’t give up on him!!”  Tears slid down my cheeks as I read the message to Atha and Joyce.  A third blessing!

As I was getting to know Joyce, I learned that she was an accomplished pianist and accompanist.  I told her that I would love to hear her play someday.  As our lunch ended, Joyce asked Atha and I if we would come to her house so that she could show us her newly painted peachy pink garage.  I told Joyce that I would come if she would play her piano for me, which she happily agreed to do.  But then Atha said that I must sing…..and I was not so sure.  I haven’t sung in several years and though I wanted to sing that day, I wasn’t sure if I could or if I would just stand there and cry. 

But there I stood by Joyce’s piano, after we had seen the peachy pink garage and been given a tour of her home……..and I held a hymnal and I sang parts of two hymns as Joyce so beautifully accompanied me.  It was a personally significant moment for me on several levels.  I didn’t cry, but I was deeply touched by God’s gift of this moment for me.  He knew that I wasn’t sure I wanted to meet someone new on this day.  He knew that I was tired and discouraged.  But He orchestrated this day for me……and for Joyce…..and for Atha.  It was no mistake that Joyce had called Atha that morning, lonely and wanting to see her.  It was no mistake that Atha and I already had plans on this day after my meltdown with Aaron…….and that I was very tired and in need of encouragement.   God prompted Atha to invite Joyce to lunch, and each of us was especially blessed because Atha obeyed.  God brought smiles and joy and some healing to each of us on that day, in just the ways that we needed.  A fourth beautiful blessing!

The last song I sang that afternoon was Day by Day.  This song so well describes our day by day with Aaron.

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best.
Lovingly, it’s part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me.
He whose name is Counselor and Power.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord.
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ere to take , as from a Father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

The perfect words to end a perfect afternoon.

The Meltdown

I had a meltdown last night.  A bona fide nasty meltdown.  I’ve been debating within myself about whether I should write about it.  I’ve told myself not to write about it for several reasons.  I don’t want people to think that Aaron is all that bad, you know…….because I write so often of his uniqueness and his humor.  And then my pride is involved.  What will people who think I have it all together think about the fact that I fell apart?  But then there are more compelling reasons to go ahead and admit what happened.  I thought of my friend Brittany, whose blog post about the reality of living with her special sister so touched my heart just a couple days ago.   http://www.specialneedsiblings.com/bring-the-rain/   If I’m going to be honest, where do I draw the line?  Will I be totally honest, or just partially so? 

I received a call yesterday afternoon from Barb, one of the managing staff at Aaron’s day group.  Aaron loves Barb and trusts her, as do we……….and we know that she loves Aaron.  As I listened to her, I could hear her heartache for Aaron.  It seems that Aaron was irritating a client by poking on him with his foot while this client lay on the couch.  It ended up going from fun to chaos, and Aaron came home with his glasses all bent and impossible to be worn. 

Aaron and I talked about it when he came home, but he didn’t want to dwell on what happened and I knew better than to push him.  These incidents take time for him to process and to share.  However, it was very heavy on my heart.  Barb is so kind, and she and I talked about some ideas to help Aaron.  He hasn’t been participating with group activities at Paradigm like he used to do, and it’s worrisome to all of us.  

Aaron and I sat down at 6:30 for our regular Wheel of Fortune date.  He had put on an old pair of glasses that we had saved for times like this.  He got all comfy in his chair, which takes some doing, but before I saw it coming he had jammed his silverware down on the end table (no marks on the table, thankfully).  This was his way of expressing the fact that he was very unhappy about not having his regular glasses.  These old glasses didn’t fit right, so he said as I just stared at him.  He took them off, but became even angrier because he couldn’t see the TV very well without them.  Why, oh why, can’t he just talk to me about it?  Why must he instantly erupt?  And though I know why, I don’t appreciate the answer sometimes…….and this was definitely one of those times. 

My mind was already saturated with many things, chief among them being my worries for him.  As he continued to escalate, I could feel myself getting ready to boil over.  Gary was outside mowing the lawn.  I had no buffer and no stabilizing influence that he so often gives me.  And I did it………I blew my top.  I knew as I stood up and began yelling that my escalation would only escalate Aaron further.  I didn’t follow my own advice from years of experience with these situations, but instead I gave in to my anger and my worry and my tiredness.  We ended up with chicken strips on the floor, and a shattered bowl that Aaron threw on the floor, and tears from both of us, and more words than either of us needed to say. 

I was exhausted and defeated and riddled with guilt as I cleaned up the mess.  I wished that cleaning up our emotional mess was as easy as cleaning up the shards of one of Aaron’s favorite blue bowls.  Finally I pulled myself together enough to ask Aaron if he wanted to go to Wal-Mart and see if the vision center there could repair his frames.  Aaron kept trying to talk as we drove, but I was numb and fairly unresponsive.  I wonder what the woman there thought of us as she took his glasses and tried to fix them.  She probably dreaded coming back out to tell us that she couldn’t do anything with them.  I tried to smile and be myself, and Aaron’s eyes filled with tears as I said something to her about him having a bad day.  She was kind, and I felt like crying………..and I was very happy to walk out of there before I ended up in a heap on her floor.

“Mom?” Aaron said as we drove away. “Do you think I can get a pizza from Papa Murphy’s?”  So we stopped and got his pizza.  I had to laugh as the clerk stepped out to hand the pizza to Aaron, who was walking toward him but who totally ignored the clerk as he sailed right past him on his way to examine a grill that was in the corner.  The clerk looked confused and then laughed with me, and Aaron was oblivious as always.

After the pizza had cooked and as I sliced it, Aaron was sitting at the table and said, “Mom?  Do you want to be nice to each other tonight?”  Oh, his childishness!  It either drives me crazy or it just melts my heart.  He continued, “Do you want some pizza?  I’ll let you have some pizza.”  And then, “Are you gonna sit by me, Mom?”  I knew this was Aaron’s way of making up, so I sat at the table with him.  There he sat…….say it with me………..with his two knives and his two spoons and his two forks and his toothpicks and his napkins and his drink with his straw.  I listened to him chew loudly and suck in the cheese that was stringing off the pizza with each bite and try to talk with his mouth full.  I wanted to be anywhere else than sitting by him for several reasons, but I knew that beside him was where I needed to be.  This was part of our healing from the wounds we had inflicted upon each other.  Aaron needed me there………and I needed to be there, slurping and all.

“Mom,” he said as cheese dangled down on his chin, “I’ll do your back tonight.  You don’t have to do mine.  I’ll just do yours.”  He was telling me that he would tickle my back with the back scratcher.  Not asking me to tickle his back, which he dearly loves, was a sacrifice for him.  He wanted to give me that gift with nothing expected in return.  Though we didn’t have time to do our backs, I thanked him for such a sweet offer.  And the ice around my heart was thawing.

Before he got up from the table, he opened the comics from the newspaper and he said, “Mom!  Look!  Read Speedy Bump!!”  I laughed as he said “Speedy Bump.”  Then I looked down and read that day’s comic. 

Aaron loved the toilet paper comic.  Anything with toilet paper is funny to Aaron!  And I smiled, too, but for more reasons than Aaron knew.  Toilet paper was pretty appropriate, I thought.  He and I had some mess to clean up between us……some things to talk about and to say to each other.  It might take awhile, as the moment must be right for Aaron.  It might even take a few days to sort it all out………for me to have the strength to deal with what had happened………for Aaron to have the time to sort out his emotions and his uncomfortable feelings.

Today has been a new day with new insights that I will write about later.  Life goes forward, not stopping for our disappointments and pain.  It’s important that we…….that I………continue to wipe up the mess, to forgive, and to be forgiven.  To move forward and to not live in the yesterday, to not live in guilt or in the tendency to point a finger at Aaron. 

Maybe tonight I’ll take out the back scratcher and tickle Aaron’s back for a good long time.