Lean On Me, Aaron

Yesterday Aaron and I went to his annual PCSP meeting.  How many years have we had these meetings?  More than I can nearly remember.  

His case manager and I decided several years ago to hold our meeting at one of Aaron’s favorite restaurants, Carlos O’Kelly’s.  Aaron really doesn’t like meetings that discuss him unless we’re letting him do all the talking about really important stuff.  You know – matters like whether Pluto is a planet or not, what solar flares are, and are black holes really sucking in stars?!  But mulling over matters of his likes and dislikes, what he is or is not allowed to do at his day group, what his goals are, and so on and so forth…well, Aaron would rather leave the room and find someone who IS wanting to hear him talk about planets, flares, and black holes.  But put a plate of enchiladas, chips and salsa in front of him and he’ll endure our needless talk.

Aaron had gotten out of bed super early the past two mornings.  Space videos on YouTube were calling to him, I guess.  As we sat in our booth munching on chips and salsa, he started leaning and leaning until finally he was resting against me like a little child.  

I eased him over and he sat straight for a couple minutes, but then he began leaning into me again.  I knew that he was sleepy from his very early mornings and from his meds, but still I kept propping him up so he could eat and participate in the meeting if needed.

Later, as I drove us home, I looked over at him sleeping soundly in his seat.

  

He is sometimes showing that age is creeping up on him.  He even seems a little feeble at times, like he did as he leaned on me during lunch.  I know that seizures are taking a toll.  He has memory loss, tremors, drooling sometimes, and other effects of both seizures and medicines.  

My heart is stirred with so much love for him.  So much concern for his life now, and for what the future will hold for him.

Yet there are those other moments, too…more and more, it seems.  Moments when Aaron is frustrated when things are not going his way at his time.  He is becoming more impatient with waiting, more set in his routine, and more expressive when those frustrations mount.

Therefore, Gary and I are finding ourselves more stretched on some days.  Our own frustrations mount along with Aaron’s.  Stress seeps through every crack in our strong armor.

I look at Aaron leaning on me, and I know that he needs me when he is struggling, both physically and emotionally.  His reactions are often beyond his control.  Sometimes that fact is hard to remember.

So, who do I lean upon?  

God.

Yes, Gary and I support each other.  I have amazing friends who walk a similar journey to ours.  I have great family on both sides.

But it is God Who leans down to me as He did the other night and fills me with deep peace even as the storm swirls around me…Who understands my struggles…Who speaks comfort to me…Who assures me with these words:

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate (feed on) faithfulness.”   (Psalm 37:3)

I can feed on so many things like anger, comparisons to others, resentment…the list goes on.  

Or I can obey God and lean into Him.  He understands my need.  And I must understand my need to trust Him and do good.

To feed on faithfulness even when I just want to walk away.

Faithfulness to God, and faithfulness to our Aaron.

Knowing that this is also true:

“Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it.”  (Psalm 37:5)

Commit.  Lay on God’s shoulders the heavy burden.  

He is strong enough for all my burdens and He is there for me to lean upon when I am tired and done.

And oh, I cannot express enough about the grace that God gives me to continue putting one foot in front of the other, day after day with Aaron.

It’s not one bit about how strong I am or that God gave Aaron to such an amazing parent.

But it IS all about how God meets me in my most down moments with His sweet peace and His words that speak such joy and comfort to me.

And as I learn to lean on God, I can be there for Aaron when he needs to lean on me. 

God holds me up so that I can do the same for Aaron.  

That’s even more amazing than all the black holes in the universe!