Yesterday as I ate my lunch, I saw a picture on my computer that started my mind turning toward some issues that make me sad. As I wrote in my last blog (Listening Carefully), I know better than to let my thoughts stay on certain matters that will pull me down. I am consciously practicing, more and more, immediately turning my heart to God and affirming to Him…and to me…that I trust Him totally.
As I sat at my table, thinking on these things and praying, these words came to me. I shared them right away on Facebook.
It was around 1:30, and soon I was to go pick Aaron up at his day group. He had a seizure early that morning, around 4:30, but felt fine and so was able to go on and spend the day with his friends.
When we got home, as we talked about many things…because with Aaron there are always many things that he wants to talk about…I mentioned to him that I saw his empty deodorant in his bathroom trash can.
“Yes!” he said, “I put some on this one but not on this one!”
I turned to see him holding up one arm at a time as he showed me which arm pit had gotten deodorant and which one had not. 😊
I left him in his bathroom to remedy the arm pit situation. I had just sat at my desk in my bedroom nearby when I heard the awful crash and the sounds of a big seizure.
I yelled for Gary and ran in the bathroom to see Aaron laying in the tub. He had fallen backward into the tub, taking with him the shower curtain and rod. He was entangled in all that, plus in his shirt that he had been removing. The first thing to do was to hold his head to keep him from continually banging it on the hard tub as he seized. Gary had run upstairs, grabbing one of Aaron’s small pillows to put under Aaron’s head.
These sudden and very dangerous seizures are just awful on many levels. It’s a terrible feeling to hear that crash and then the seizure sounds…to run to him not knowing what you will find…to wonder how hard he hit his head or if there are other injuries.
We had untangled him from the shower curtain and from his twisted shirt that was all around both his arms and hands. Gary put a sweater over him and then we just had to let him lay there in the tub until he was awake enough to be moved to his bed.
I went back to my desk, still shaken, and cried. I cried out of fear, yes, but mostly I cried because it makes me so incredibly sad to see my son go through all these physical hurts.
But as I sat there, God softly spoke into my hurting heart…and He reminded me of those words that He had given me two hours earlier. God gave me words I needed before I knew just how much I would soon need them.
Yes, my heart is so tender when I think of Aaron and all the years of his physical suffering. But God really does take that mama hurt I feel and uses it to show me how to toughly trust in Him.
I have to be tough for Aaron, and really, I can only do that because of my trust in God. Sometimes that sort of trust doesn’t come naturally. It would be more natural for me to be mad at God for letting this happen to Aaron, over and over and over.
But I know my heavenly Father, and I know that He has reasons far beyond what I will ever know on this earth for why He lets Aaron suffer.
It’s a tough place for me to be and it calls for a tough trust. If my life was only smooth and simple, no tough trust would be needed. But then I would not know God as deeply. I would not experience His peace and comfort. My faith would stay simple and small.
A verse also came to my mind as I sat there thinking of all these matters. I want to leave that verse with you…that simple but profound word from God.
There it is again…trust. Even when it’s tough.
ESPECIALLY when it’s tough.