Whistling As He Claps

I’ve written before about Aaron’s clapping.    http://hesaidwhatks.blogspot.com/2011/11/clap.html     He absolutely has perfected the loudest clap of anyone EVER!  He will walk in a room and CLAP……..and our ears will ring.  He’ll be sitting on the couch watching TV or a movie, and CLAP!  And oh my goodness, I’m sure that a very big reason that he loves Wheel of Fortune is because this game show gives him permission to CLAP!  We’ll be watching the contestants guess the letters, and of course with each correct letter the audience claps, and then Aaron’s eyes light up…………and CLAP!!!  CLAP!!!  CLAP!!!  He is beside himself with excitement, and I am beside myself with frustration and near-deaf conditions. 

The other day as we drove to meet his group, Aaron whistled………….which is the second most irritating noise that Aaron makes.  I told him not to whistle, just like I tell him not to clap.  I need to just carry a sign and hold it up in order to save my breath.  Aaron’s whistles are shrill……….as shrill as his claps are loud.  My mind goes back to the blissful times when Aaron has had dental procedures and his mouth is numb…….and he can’t whistle.  Much like the time that he broke his wrist and we had weeks……..yes, WEEKS………. of no clapping.  Talk about the silver lining in the cloud!

So in the van that morning, Aaron whistled.  After I told him to stop whistling, he said, “I noticed I think I stopped clapping.”

Really?  And when did this happen?  Like in the last 60 seconds?

He continued.  “So is clapping weird or irritating?”

Yes, Aaron.

I do wish that he got sarcasm.  My life would have so much more meaning if he did.

Aaron happily proceeded.  “So Mom, what is whistling?”

Do you remember, Aaron, the two words you just used to describe clapping? 

He obliviously (is that a word?) kept going.  “Well, is whistling irritating?”

You might say that, Aaron.  Especially the shrill, deafening variety……which is your standard.

And in an expression of pure delight, he leaned over and rubbed his hands together as he came to a conclusion. 

“So now I’ll whistle instead!!”

There are many reasons that I do not follow Aaron’s logic……….and this day I simply chalked up another one.  He follows his own meandering paths to come to his conclusions, but he comes to them……….at least in this case………..happily. 

And obliviously (that word again) unaware of the look on my face. 

I need earplugs.

The Legend of Aaron

Today was an Aaron day, meaning that I spent several hours of one-on-one time with Aaron.  It also means that my ears need a little rest, so while he’s upstairs on his computer I decided to write a few words about our time together.  Writing………not talking.  What bliss!

I first ran Aaron by the lab at our Eberly Farm clinic so he could have some blood drawn.  We’re still checking his medicine levels as well as being sure that his weight loss isn’t pointing to a significant problem.  Aaron enjoys the lab and that’s a blessing.  He especially enjoyed being shown to the seat in the lab that is right beside the telephone.  I usually stand near him, not because he is in any way scared, but because he loves to pick up the empty vials or some of the other items that are conveniently located right beside his chair.  Today, though, it was the telephone that held his interest.   All those buttons were calling his name!  He finally laughed as I over and over told him to NOT touch the phone.  It becomes a game to him……..one that he is sure to win if I even once turn my back.

Not long after we left the lab, we were at the dentist.  The staff at Baxter Dental Associates are so good with Aaron.  He is comfortable there, so much so that I don’t even go back with him like I used to do for many years.  I just hope that he’s compliant and not stubborn, and since nothing has been said otherwise, I’ll continue to happily assume that this is true.  But once the cleaning is complete, Aaron is more than in a hurry to go………because he knows that we are going to eat lunch out somewhere.  He does start getting grouchy if I linger over making his follow-up appointment or stand there chatting too long.  He knows his mother’s propensity for lingering chats!

Soon, though, we were seated at On The Border.  Our nice waitress came to take our drink orders, and Aaron asked if they had tea.  He said yes to the tea, even when he found out that it was unsweetened tea.  I then ordered water and Aaron loudly asked, “OH!!!  Do you have water??!!”  He’s done this before, but it’s always funny……and thankfully our waitress laughed as well.  I could tell that she liked Aaron, and that set me at ease.  Aaron’s nearly always at ease since he doesn’t read people’s facial expressions or body language.  He just barges on ahead, being Aaron, and oblivious to any questioning looks or uncomfortable stares from others. 

We ordered our salads and tacos, sipped our water, and dipped our chips in the free Queso that we got today.  Aaron was busy talking between bites, of course.  “Mom, Dad said that he might work on my computer.  What does ‘might’ mean?” 

Might means might, Aaron. 

“So can I call Dad and ask him if he’s going to work on my computer?”

No, Aaron, you don’t need to call Dad at work. 

And I have no idea how many times this conversation was repeated.  Be glad that I’m not going to write it out.

Our salads came and Aaron was busy dumping every drop of his dressing on his salad.  I told him that he didn’t need every drop and he agreed……….putting down his little dressing container……..and immediately grabbing mine and holding it up high to drain my few remaining drops of dressing.  All the while he was talking about how hard it is to work at a restaurant, and how Dad has told him that it’s hard work because sometimes people are fussy.  “Is that true, Mom? ” he asked.  “Why are some people fussy?”

As we discussed this issue, I thought it was really insightful when Aaron said, “The restaurant people serve us.  We don’t need to be fussing at them.”  I was wishing that he had this same philosophy about me when the waitress returned to fill his glass of water………and Aaron repeated this conversation to her, oblivious to the fact that her tables were full and she was busy and Mom was telling him that she needed to go.  She was sweet, though, and patient with Aaron. 

Aaron had other insights, too……….like wondering what the little powder things were that were on top of the lettuce……..and then saying, “Mom, I noticed something.  This is a Mexican restaurant!”  Well, it isn’t Chinese, Aaron……..as we munched on our TACOS.

I was asking how his visit with the dentist went.  “Mom, I told the dentist that I’ve seen some people who are fat!  I’m not talking about you!”

He added that last sentence so quickly that I questioned him about it, and he assured me that he was not talking about me.  Then he asked, “Mom, do you think you’re fat?  What do you think about being fat?”  And immediately he added, “I’m not saying anything!!” 

You’ve already said enough, Aaron. 

He was intrigued with the parsley, which he held up in order to give it an examination.  He wondered if I have some dried parsley at home.  “Mom, do you have some of that in the cabinet where the pepper balls are?”  That would be Peppercorns to most of us, but pepper balls to Aaron.

He also had to hold up the dark tortilla chip that was on top of the refried beans, saying that he had never heard of a black chip.  And the beans made him remember something.  “Mom, have you ever heard the legend that if you eat beans, you fart?”  I was hoping that no one around us heard Aaron’s telling of this legend, even as I urged him to not use “that” word in public.  Of course, any discussion of this legend should not be made in public, but all of that was lost on Aaron.  He was already in a discussion with the waitress about whether we could take the chips home along with the Queso that we had left.  I was thankful that he wasn’t telling her about the legend.

She happily brought us our containers, and Aaron just had to ask her about slushies.  Yes, slushies.  Do those new pineapple slushies have pineapple in them?  Do the other slushies have fruit?  How are slushies made?  Do slushies have ice in them?  Do you like slushies? 

Sweet, patient waitress.  She had answers for Aaron and smiles for Aaron……..and she got an extra tip from me. 

Home again, home again……..where Aaron left me to carry in the Queso and the chips that he wanted so badly, as well as his dentist bag of goodies……….and where he left the garage door open so that Jackson could come out and the heat could go in………and where he zoomed downstairs to ask Andrew if he wanted to watch a DVD on his Blu-Ray player in his room………..

Have I told you about the legend of Aaron?  Sometimes he’s all about Aaron and sometimes he’s not…………sometimes he’s interesting and sometimes he’s frustrating.   

And he always keeps me on my toes.   

Do You Know Shiphrah and Puah?

If you had asked me this past Saturday who Shiphrah and Puah are, I would have responded, “Uh………you know, as familiar as those names sound, I’m just not remembering Shiphrah and Puah right now.”  Perhaps some of you know of these two women, but I would have drawn a blank.  Not now, though.  Yesterday’s message at church from Exodus 1 reintroduced me to these two women, and I’m very thankful for that privilege.
For a little background, the people of Israel had traveled to Egypt under the rule of Joseph.  Jacob’s family grew and grew, filling the land of Egypt and becoming mighty.  All the original Israelites had died, including Jacob and Joseph, as well as the Pharaoh who knew and loved Joseph.  A new king arose over Egypt who did not know Joseph.  This king became fearful of the numbers of Israelites who lived in the land, thinking that if there was war then the Israelites would join with the enemy and overtake Egypt.  Therefore, this king made the Israelites become slaves……….but the more he afflicted the people of Israel, the more they multiplied and spread out.
Seeing that Plan A wasn’t working, this Pharaoh moved on to Plan B.  He ordered the Hebrew midwives to kill all the boy babies that were born, thinking that this barbaric form of birth control would limit the growth of the Israelites and thus eventually rid Egypt of the Jews.  This is where Shiphrah and Puah come in.  They were midwives……….probably two chief midwives.  Pharaoh instructed them to kill the boy babies that were born to the Israelite women but to keep the girl babies alive.  Simple enough, right?
But Pharaoh didn’t count on one complication.  Exodus 1:17 says, “BUT the midwives feared God…….”  This fear of God forced Shiphrah and Puah to make a decision.  Verse 17 continues, “……….and did not do as the King of Egypt had commanded them, but let the boys live.”  So sure enough, Pharaoh found out that Shiphrah and Puah were not killing baby Israelite boys………and he called these two midwives to come in for a little meeting.
I don’t know how Shiphrah and Puah felt at this point, but I imagine they were more than a little scared.  This is Pharaoh, who had no qualms about killing innocent baby boys and other Israelites as well.  From everything that was going on around him………….everything that he had initiated concerning the Jews…………..this Pharaoh seems more than a tad bit brutal.  I wish we knew all that was said at this appearance before Pharaoh.  I love thinking of the bravery of Shiphrah and Puah!  Yet it goes far beyond being brave.
Shiphrah and Puah were obedient to God, first and foremost.  I imagine that they feared Pharaoh………..but they feared God more.  This is the fear of God that involves reverence OF Him, and trust IN Him.  It’s the fear of God that Peter and the apostles had when they were given strict orders by the authorities not to teach about Jesus anymore………and Peter answered in Acts 5:29, “We must obey God rather than men.”
So back to Egypt.   I had never paid much attention to the fact that in verses 20 and 21, God lets us know that He was “good to the midwives.”  Verse 21 clearly says that “…….because the midwives feared God, that He established households for them.”  God blessed them and was good to them because of their obedience.
I really like Shiphrah and Puah.  I love the example they have set for me…………an example that is both profound and yet very simple.  Obedience to God comes first, in every single area of my life.  Obedience takes many different forms for each of us, but in whatever area that God is requiring obedience to Him, it’s best to obey.  Solomon said it so well in Ecclesiastes 8:12, “Although a sinner does evil a hundred times and may lengthen his life, still I know that it will be well for those who fear God – who fear Him openly.”
Shiphrah and Puah probably wondered if they would have their heads cut off……….or worse………..as they stood before the king and declared their loyalty to God.  I don’t know what my obedience to God will cost me, but obey I must.  I do know that God promises it will be well for me if I obey.  His blessings take various forms, and some we won’t see until eternity.  But we can take God at His word and know that it will be well for us when we fear Him, and fear Him openly.
Shiphrah and Puah are amazing!  Not because they were women, or because they stood up to mean old Pharaoh, or because they saved babies………all of which are important…….but they are amazing because they obeyed God above anyone and anything.  That’s the kind of amazing I want to be, every day, through good and bad.  Whatever the pressure……whatever the decision………whatever the pain……….whatever the outcome………

 

Fearing and obeying God!

A Blessing or a Bother

I bought some eggplant the other day.  I knew that this would create quite a stir in our house, and that’s because Aaron loves the unusual.  To most of us, eggplant is mundane………..maybe a little odd in appearance, but certainly nothing that should cause excitement.  But most of us are not Aaron.  To him, eggplant is odd; and anything that is odd gives him pause and then becomes a matter of great curiosity…….and much conversation. 

He saw the eggplant sitting on the kitchen counter that evening.  Soon I heard, “Mom!  There’s an eggplant!”  It was as if he had seen one of his movie aliens sitting on our kitchen counter, legs dangling and eyes flashing.  Such was the level of Aaron’s excitement.  Later I went in the family room, where Aaron was nestled in his favorite chair with all of his necessary items around him and his new blanket covering him nursing home style.  There, perched in his lap, lay the eggplant.  Aaron held it up happily for me to see as if it was my first eggplant experience, and his as well.  I laughed and snapped a picture, and Aaron was very pleased to have this close encounter with an eggplant.

Yesterday morning I was once again reminded of how the usual becomes the unusual to Aaron.  Way, way out in a field behind our house there is a tall tower of some sort.  On top of this thin steel tower there is a flashing red light.  For years Aaron has talked about this flashing light, dim in the distance.  It’s certainly not a bright intrusion into our home in the dark of night, but Aaron notices it constantly none-the-less.  Of course, when Aaron notices anything he will then talk it to death…….which he has done concerning this tower over the years.  What kind of tower?  Who built the tower?  What is the tower made of?  Why does it have a flashing red light on top?  Who takes care of the tower?  Will the tower fall?  Will the tower get struck by lightning? 

Aaron has blinds on his bedroom windows, but he has never wanted to use them at night.  In fact, they were never even lowered at all…………until this past winter, when we had new siding put on our house and a new paint job.  When the workers were going to be right outside Aaron’s window early in the morning, we decided to lower and close his blinds the night before.  This gave him privacy the next morning.  I wasn’t sure how he would react to this change, but he didn’t mind it at all……..and I was surprised. 

Now the worker’s job has been completed and there is no need to close Aaron’s blinds at night.  However, he still wants them closed.  That’s no problem, of course, but is still somewhat unusual for Aaron.  Yesterday morning, Aaron brought this subject up once again, telling me that he had decided to keep his blinds closed because that flashing red light bothered him.  I expressed surprise at this announcement, and reminded him that for years he hadn’t been bothered by the far off red light. 

He quickly replied, “Well, I decided it’s bothering me now.” 


I’ve thought about these two scenarios since yesterday……….the eggplant and the flashing red light.  Aaron has chosen for one to be a blessing and for one to be a bother.   It’s clearly a conscious choice that he is making, even though with Aaron his autism does play a part.

How about me?  What am I choosing today, and every day?  Sometimes I allow situations or people or things to be a bother when they really don’t have to be that in my life at all.  Sometimes my own son is a bother!  It’s natural to get tired of the constant talking, or his quirky ways that impact every single day of my life, or his mood swings………and many other areas of Aaron.  The choice is mine, though.  I can decide that it’s bothering me……….or I can decide…….

…………..that these things are BLESSING me!  Just like the goofy eggplant……..a blessing instead of a bother.  I don’t always make the wise choice, but I know that I do HAVE a choice.  So despite the irritations……the flashing red light out in the distance………..I know that I need to choose instead to hold each situation just like Aaron held up the eggplant.  Hold it up with a smile and with at least some measure of joy……..and be able to see how unique and special each part of my life is. 


There’s Aaron again………teaching me lessons and he doesn’t even know it!  I would say that he’s a blessing!

Our Both Way

This morning when I walked into Aaron’s room to get him moving along on this beautiful day, I found him watching a movie.  I happily said, “Good Morning, Aaron!”  as I always happily say………and as usual, he very sadly replied, “I’m not feeling well.”  He speaks this in his softest, most flat and pathetic voice that he can muster.  It’s really laughable……….but I don’t dare laugh.  I remember the morning that I didn’t exactly laugh, but I somehow demonstrated to Aaron that I wasn’t buying his woeful tale of how bad he felt.  First he said, “You just don’t understand me!”  He waited for some effect from this statement and when there was none, he walked away as he very mournfully said, “Nobody listens to me in this house……….people don’t.”  I nearly cried – from laughter.  Certainly not from pity.  Sometimes he could be a candidate for an Oscar!

So today I just walked away, and then soon returned to urge Aaron once again to move upward and onward.  He then told me that his eye hurt and he was just sure that he had a black eye.  Of course, he didn’t have a black eye.  He had just rubbed it so much that it hurt some.  Too bad, Aaron.  Another hopeful ploy to stay home was foiled! 

I then told Aaron that I would fix some bacon and eggs, which we could eat out on the patio, but that he needed to shower and get ready.  He suddenly became much more animated as he said, “Yeah!  And can Jackson come out with us?”  I knew exactly what Aaron was anticipating……….the challenge of sneaking Jackson some food without Mom seeing him.  Oh, I can read Aaron like a book!  In so many ways he never changes, yet always amazes……..and frustrates!  In his sameness he still manages to be ever interesting!

This train of thought led me to think of some areas where Aaron hardly ever changes.  He shows us his personality and the intricate way that his brain functions in so many pieces of his life.  Here are a few from just the past several days:

FOOD:  Aaron does love to eat and to snack……….less now than he used to, but he does still enjoy food.  Every Friday, when Paradigm usually goes to see a movie, he asks if he can have a large buttered popcorn.  And every Friday, I tell him that he can have a large popcorn but to try it unbuttered………..which he never does.  The last movie day found him running in the house when he got home, and telling me all about his large buttered popcorn.  “Mom!  They make the butter into a water kind of way!”  This remark led us into a rather lengthy discussion of just what in world melted butter really is, etc., etc.

He loves peanuts, so while I was shopping at Dillon’s this past Friday I got him some peanuts.  However, these peanuts are not like the Planters peanuts that he has had recently.   The only difference is that they are the Dillon’s brand.  I should have known!  He won’t eat them!  AAHHHH!!!  But he took them to Paradigm today to either give away, or somehow to force some down himself.  Good grief!  They can’t be that different……….to anyone but Aaron!

Aaron excited about trying to feed Jackson

And he will always and forever have a spoon with every meal.  He will also have multiple forks and other utensils, even if he doesn’t intend to use them.  Notice this picture of him with his plate of eggs this morning……..and a spoon.


WRIST WATCH:  He likes a watch that has the day and the date on it.  Recently, that feature on his watch wasn’t quite working right.  The day was stuck.  Therefore, Aaron wouldn’t wear the watch.  It didn’t make any difference that I went on and on about the fact that the watch kept perfect time.  Nope. It was defective to Aaron and he would not let it touch his arm at all.  I bought him a new watch with a smaller band since he’s lost weight.  This is the other thing about Aaron and watches.  He wears his wrist watch nowhere near his wrist.  He pushes it halfway up his arm.  Since he’s lost weight, I thought a smaller band would encourage him to wear his WRIST watch where every other person on earth wears one……….on his wrist.  Look at this picture of him again this morning and closely observe where his watch is located.  I think if his arm turned blue from lack of blood he wouldn’t care.   Seriously.

JACKSON:  Aaron loves our Great Dane, Jackson.  He actually really loves to feed Jackson.  It doesn’t matter what it is……….a piece of popcorn, a Mike and Ike, a stick………….Aaron will hold it out for Jackson to sniff and examine, in the hopes that Jackson will scarf it down.  One reason we quit buying rawhides and other treats was because Aaron would inevitably find our hiding place, and then every time we turned around Jackson would have a rawhide dangling from his mouth like a giant cigar. 

Aaron asked the other day which was smarter – dogs or cats?  After my little lecture, Aaron summed it up succinctly by saying, “Both animals have their both way of being smart.”  He says it so much better than I do!  But I know that our Jackson is very smart when it comes to Aaron.  Look at him this morning, waiting in the wings behind Aaron.  Aaron had already very quickly scooted a chunk of egg off his plate when my eyes were averted for a mere split second, and Jackson just as quickly lunged under the table to gobble it down. 

MOVIE CREDITS:  When Aaron watches a movie, Aaron watches the entire movie.  ENTIRELY.  From the very beginning to the very, very ending…………down to the very last teeny tiny little print at the end of the credits.  The movie is not over until the screen is black.  I walked in his room the other night to find him intensely riveted on……….the credits. 

BED TIMES:  When I say bed times, I mean that Aaron keeps a list of the times that he turns his light out at night, and the times that he gets up in the morning.  He does this Every.  Single.  Day.  Here is but one page of his recorded bed times.  He has filled up multiple notebooks over the years. 


HANDY ANSWER BOOKS:  Aaron loves his Handy Answer Books.  They come in a wide variety of subjects.  He will, as with movies, read these books from the very first word to the very last word……….including the table of contents, the index, and the lists at the end of resources or web sites.  Last night he showed me this page that he had come to in his reading.  He didn’t think that this would be very interesting to him……….but this morning I saw his bookmark placed a couple pages over, showing that he had indeed read this part that he wasn’t very excited about reading.  I knew he would!  It’s got to be more exciting than the index!


TOILETS:  I wrote once about Aaron’s long-standing fear of toilets.  Here is a link to that blog post:  http://hesaidwhatks.blogspot.com/2012/01/toilets.html.  There are many facets of this fear.  We have three new toilets in our house and all of them have a much smaller amount of water in them than our old ones did. Aaron is sure that these toilets are stopped up……….a battle that he has yet to quiet overcome.  He pretty frequently will tell us that one of the toilets is stopped up, but it’s usually not.  He will not venture near it until he is sure that it’s in the clear.


This morning, as I was washing my hands, Aaron refused to come in my bathroom to talk.  Finally he said, “Mom, did you flush your toilet?” And I realized as I finished with my hands that no, I had in my haste not performed that task…………but Aaron had registered that oversight in his mind and he wasn’t stepping one foot in there until I flushed!!  He did not want to talk about it, either……….but I knew. 

Well, I must end this………..no pun intended concerning the above paragraph.  Aaron will be home soon with more stories of his day, and I may be physically or mentally taking notes so I won’t forget the unique way that he verbalizes so many things.  You know, if he asked who was smarter…………Aaron or Mom………….I might have a hard time answering that. 
We both have our both way, like Aaron says!  Glad I wrote that one down!!

SURRENDER

Have you ever found yourself in a place in your life where you never thought you would be found?  Sometimes it’s very dramatic, such as receiving an overnight medical diagnosis or facing the sudden death of someone you love.  Other times it’s a slow occurrence of situations that pile up but yet inevitably bring you to that place………that place you never imagined yourself having to face.  Many times, no one except our family or closest friends even know that we are in that place.  Their prayers and their love are invaluable, yes, but still we may feel alone.
 
Over the past five years, I have faced the loss of some things that I love.  As I talked to a good friend last night, the word that came to me was the word “adrift.”  I feel, and many of our friends feel, adrift……….not certain of where we will land……….trying to find our moorings…….just hanging on some days.

This morning, as I have been reading and studying the book of Matthew, I found myself in chapter 26.  Reading this scripture, and then the Gospel of Matthew expositional commentary by James Montgomery Boice, challenged and blessed me in the way that I truly needed today.  Sandwiched between two terrible acts of betrayal………the plotting of the chief priest and elders against Jesus, as well as the treachery of Judas…………is the tender story of Mary and her sacrificial love for Jesus.

This Mary is the sister of Martha and Lazarus, and is the one who was always sitting at Jesus’ feet.  She sat at Jesus’ feet and got to know Him as she listened to Him and talked to Him and worshipped Him.  Here she was, not far away from the time that she would watch her Master die a brutal death, and for one last time she approached Jesus with her final gift.  John and Mark also tell us that Mary broke the vial that she was carrying and out of it she poured a very expensive perfume, or oil, on Jesus’ head and then on His feet. Mary understood even more than the disciples about what was to soon take place.  She gave this most important gift of hers to Jesus as an expression of her love for Him, and of thankfulness for His gift soon to be hers as He would die on the cross for her sins.

I’m sure that Mary shared the same uncertainty and fear that the disciples felt.  Their world was about to crumble.  Jesus was going to die.  He kept repeating that fact to all of them.  On one hand they had the corrupt, conniving chief priests and elders……and on the other hand, there was the thief Judas betraying their Lord for a mere few pieces of silver.  Christ’s followers were surrounded by hopelessness and evil from individuals, religious leaders, and the government.  In the midst of it all, Mary gave Jesus all that she had as an evidence to Him of her complete trust and devotion.  She didn’t ask for answers or reasons or direction or blessing.  She just broke her vial and gave all to Jesus.

So my thoughts today have been of the past few years and of how many parts of my life Jesus has whittled away while I’ve inwardly tried to hold on tight.  Even some seemingly good things…….some productive parts of my life………have been taken away.  I don’t necessarily understand it or like it or even approve of it.  But in it all, I know that Jesus wants me to sit at His feet and learn from Him.  He wants me to trust Him totally.  He wants me to break that vial that holds my valued treasures and pour them out for Him……….to be willing to let them go in an act of worship and obedience.  Without answers or reasons………just trust.

My tears may mingle with the perfume that I pour on Jesus’ feet, much as I imagine that Mary’s did, but the sweet smell of that sacrifice will bring honor to God and will bring peace to my heart.

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now. 

Get Lost

I wondered how Aaron would do this morning with having to get up to go to his day group after three fun days off.  On his days off he was up early, in the shower without having to be told, and very happy first thing in the morning.  I dreaded what this morning would hold as he faced reality.  Aaron likes his day group, but if given the choice I do believe that he would stay home every day.

It didn’t help that Aaron had two seizures during the night.  I was surprised, therefore, to hear him get up on his own this morning and go to the bathroom.  However, he went back to his room and shut his door – which is not a good sign at all.  He was either feeling bad from the effects of the seizures, or he just didn’t want to leave the house.   I waited for awhile until it was finally time for him to really start getting out of bed and getting ready.

I softly knocked on his bedroom door, and then I opened it and stepped inside.   He was all snug under his multiple covers…………and he did not want to be bothered.  I spoke to him, and then left.  I repeated this action several times until I finally got a reaction from him.  “Leave me alone,” he muttered.  And so it went for a few more tries.  I decided not to say anything about his seizures that he never remembers.  I knew he would latch onto that as a reason to stay home.
 
I became a little more insistent as I continued to go in his room and tell him to get up.  I also tried to interest him in his coffee that was cooling downstairs in the mugs he likes, and also in the applesauce that I thought he would want.  Finally, as I turned once again to walk out of his room, he perked up and asked, “Mom?  Did you see what was on my door?”  And as I looked up on his door, there on his Star Wars poster was a pink post-it note on which Aaron had scrawled a note to Mom.  He has done this before, but his notes rarely say the same thing.  I peered up at the note and saw what he had written.

Get lost.  I just shook my head and smiled as Aaron watched me and tried to gauge my reaction.  He laughed then.  He was quite proud of himself and also thought that his little note was funny.  I walked up the hall as I said, “Very funny, Aaron.  Now I’m getting lost and I want you to get up!”

Oh, if Aaron only knew how many times I’ve wanted to do just that……..to get lost.  Saturday evening was one of those times.  Aaron’s heart was set on watching Wheel of Fortune with me.  I thought I had enough time to do just a little ironing before Aaron’s favorite game show came on, but I wasn’t quite finished when I went in to Aaron’s room and told him to go on down and turn the TV on.  He set aside what he was doing, and went downstairs…….only to find that I wasn’t there.  “Mom?  Mom?  MOM!!”  he yelled.  He barreled upstairs to find me finishing up a shirt I was ironing.  One little shirt.  But Aaron was very unhappy that I wasn’t downstairs getting ready to watch Wheel of Fortune with him.  I told him that I would be down in just a minute, but to Aaron this was totally unacceptable.  He quickly escalated into yelling……..and I was not in the mood for this behavior on this day that had previously been so pleasant. 

I then did the thing that never, ever works.  I yelled back.  But Aaron cannot be outdone in these battles………a fact that I know but that I disregarded in my complete frustration.  No more details are needed, but I will say that I just totally lost my temper.  For those of you who might see me as the most patient parent on planet earth………..your bubble has just been popped.  I can get angry with the best………..or the worst……….of them. 

I’m not proud of this incident and have even wondered if I should write about it.  But I want to be honest as I portray life with an autistic adult child.  I am imperfect.  I get tired and frustrated and angry.  Sometimes other concerns are weighing me down.  When Aaron has a breakdown over something so selfish as me not being there to watch Wheel of Fortune at the moment he wanted me to be there, then I just might cross that line that leads to my own breakdown. 

I took a little time to remove myself from Aaron and from the situation.  Talking to Gary helped, as did getting some fresh air and collecting my thoughts.  I also asked God to forgive me, as well as Aaron.  But Aaron is so matter-of-fact about an argument.  He can resume his life as if nothing even happened, while I am in an emotional heap.  I was fighting guilt while he just wanted to know if we could play Skip-Bo later or tickle our backs.  I wish I could pick up, dust off, and move on as quickly as Aaron can. 

I know this is part of life that any parent faces.  A parent of a child, adult or not, with special needs must also balance figuring out what it causing the emotional outburst of their child with trying to maintain some calm and discipline…………..for themselves as well as for their child.  Sometimes it’s just too much, especially when our minds are tired or overwhelmed with other issues as well.  I know not to let the guilt of my lack of control be something that I allow Satan to use in order to discourage me.  I accept God’s forgiveness, even as I know I must forgive myself and close that chapter.

Get lost, Aaron wrote this morning.  Ah, if only life was that simple!  When Aaron starts escalating into anger, I wish I could hold up a Get Lost sign that either would apply to him…….or would allow ME to get lost until he calms down.  But I can’t do that, so I buck up and deal with it………with God’s help and with lessons learned from years of experience. 

I’ll just leave Aaron’s Get Lost sign on his door for awhile to remind me that it’s best not to lose the lessons we learn and the growth we experience as we travel this journey together.  

Sleeping in a Wrong Direction

Aaron got up early on Saturday morning, headed straight to the shower……which is surprising…….and then came slowly downstairs to find me in the kitchen.  I told him good morning and he immediately answered, “My back is sore.”  I smile, not because Aaron’s back is sore but because he rarely returns our greetings in the appropriate way.  This morning his sore back is of utmost importance to him, so therefore he thinks that it should also be of utmost importance to Mom.

I assured Aaron that I was sorry about his back, which prompted him to continue.  “I was sleeping in a wrong direction……..kind of bent,” he said.  I expressed more concern, and he added, “I wasn’t in a normal kind of sleeping way.”  As he got ready to eat some cereal, we talked about why we don’t always lay in a normal kind of sleeping way and that this sometimes causes a bent back, and then a sore back.  Aaron wanted an answer to this dilemma, and he also wanted to talk it to death.  Typical Aaron. 

We later went outside, where Aaron relaxed in the mulch with his coffee and his mulch trash can.  I sat nearby on the porch glider, wondering how Aaron’s back felt as he sat there all bent over…………. but I was not wanting to bring up his back issues again.  He talked and talked about many other things as we drank our coffee, and as I wondered what the people in the passing cars were thinking about this grown young man hunched over under the tree in the mulch.   Aaron does make us a rather unique family, for sure.


When Aaron finally stood up from under the tree, he was a little stiff.  This reminded him of his aching back, so he said, “My back is sore.  I should not have slept bent.”  Here we go again, I thought.  I knew that Aaron was going to discuss his bent, sore back all day.  Later, when he decided to lay down for a quick nap, he told me that he was going to try not to sleep bent.  And then when he woke up, he was happy that he had slept in a straight way and not a bent way.

We went to Wal-Mart soon after his nap, and as we were in front of the store………….in the crosswalk, of course……….Aaron was continuing his sore, bent back story and decided right then and there to demonstrate just what he meant by sleeping bent.  “You know, Mom…..I was sleeping like this!”   And I looked over to see him bent sideways in the middle of the crosswalk, as if he was doing side bends for an exercise class.  I wondered if someone watching on the security camera was either laughing or sitting up straighter as they tried to figure out what this unusual young man was doing in the middle of the cross walk………..not to mention what all the people milling around thought.   Oh well.  I just walked on as I told Aaron to quit bending and to come in the store.  I’m pretty much a pro at this embarrassing business.

Yesterday morning Aaron got up and came downstairs once again.  “Mom!  Finally I slept straight!”    Yay, Aaron!  But he wasn’t totally cured, I found out, as he continued by telling me that his back still hurt some.  He launched right in to what it means to sleep straight as opposed to sleeping bent…………and why we sometimes sleep bent………..and how to make sure we sleep straight…………and why sleeping bent produces sore backs.   Every little detail of sleeping straight and sleeping bent had to be gone over and over with Aaron. 

He ended by saying, “I can’t make my back go away from hurting!”  I laughed and I assured him that with time his back would indeed go away from hurting.  It’s hard to tell with Aaron how much of this constant talk is a ploy for attention, and how much is just his usual way of talking about every issue of his life until there could not possibly be another word to say……….but with Aaron there are always more words to say, even if he’s already said them many times.  He took me seriously in home school as I told my kids that repetition is the key to learning.  Man, did he ever!

I can happily say that this morning I dared to ask him how his back was feeling.  He answered by saying that it felt better today.  It took him a few seconds to answer and I was holding my breath.  I think that perhaps we have moved beyond his bent back and that it has finally gone away from hurting.

I’m waiting for the next issue that he wants to talk about and to demonstrate.  I just hope it’s not in the middle of the Wal-Mart cross walk!

No Electricity??!!

This past Sunday was a pretty stressful day around here.  I’m not talking about the huge storm that moved into Wichita…….or the tornadoes that were just to the south of us…….or the hail…..or the sideways rain……….or the fierce winds.  I’m talking about spending this delightful day with Aaron – and no electricity for about 7 hours.  When his precious weekend schedule is disrupted, no matter the reason, then regimented Aaron can……and did……become most unhappy. 

Gary and I were watching the weather.  We knew that there was rotation in the huge clouds that were all around us.  When the tornado sirens started blaring, I went up to Aaron’s room and told him that it was time for us to head all the way downstairs to the basement.  Aaron resisted this at first because he was playing a computer game, but he finally walked into the kitchen carrying his supplies for our stay in the basement.  He was carrying his soft, black, fuzzy pillow; his favorite blanket; his two current favorite DVDs; and his watch, dangling from his fingers and for some reason not on his arm.  He was wearing his shoes and socks, so that was good.  Just before we headed down the stairs, the electricity went off.  This was the real storm threat to us in the long run, but we thought that surely the power would be back on soon and so we were not alarmed. 

Our basement is finished, with carpeting and couches – and lights and a nice television that we couldn’t use because of the lack of electricity.  Gary and I ventured upstairs a few times to check on how the storm was progressing, but Aaron stayed where he was.  He pet Jackson for awhile, and listened to the hail and the wind…….and talked a lot, of course.  Finally he put his fuzzy pillow on the couch, laid down and placed his blanket on himself, and went fast asleep.  Everything was going nicely, I thought.  Silly me.

The storm had calmed down and was nearly over when Gary and I went upstairs to look out once again.  I soon woke Aaron up, and he gathered all of his belongings together before thumping up the stairs.  It only took him a few seconds to realize that the electricity was still off.  He put his pillow and blanket and DVDs back up in his room, and checked the time on his watch that was now on his arm.  Then he asked when the electricity would be turned back on…….and of course we didn’t know for sure.

For awhile, everything was fine and happy.  We looked out the windows as we surveyed for possible damage.  The sun came out, and we walked out on the driveway to look around.  Then I decided to do a few things that I could do without electricity.  Aaron followed me around as I folded some sheets, got Andrew’s bed ready for his arrival in a couple days, put away some laundry, and worked on a grocery list.  Aaron was talking and talking as usual, but soon his voice took on a different tone.  Electricity deprivation was setting in.  We were in trouble.

Aaron has just a set way of doing things.  His world functions the way that Aaron wants it to function, day after day.  We suggested that Aaron sit down and read a book.  But no……..Aaron will ONLY read his Handy Answer Books at night before bed.  At no other time will he read a book.  Believe me, we have tried to encourage reading at other times of the day or night.  But in Aaron’s world, reading is for just before bed……….propped up in his bed with his pillows around him in just the right order, along with his faithful back scratcher placed just so-so……and maybe a snack hidden from Mom under his covers.  Reading is not for the daytime with the sun shining and while sitting on a couch.  That’s crazy!  And Mom and Dad are crazy for even suggesting such a thing!

We also knew that Aaron would not go out to “do the mulch,” as he says.  He likes to sit out in or by some of our flower beds, or under our trees, and then break little pieces of mulch into his special mulch trash can.  But when the mulch is wet, as it was on this day, it won’t break like he wants it to and so he will NOT “do the mulch.”  Aaron realized that mulch was not an option on this increasingly boring day.  And he had already cut out the Sunday coupons.  His options were narrowing………and his frustration was rising.

Gary and I could see another storm coming……….a storm called Angry Aaron………..and there wasn’t much we could do to prevent it.  These times are when we parents of autistic  children………..or adults, as Aaron is………..try to balance those issues of using this time as a teachable moment or a time of discipline, as compared to feeling like we give in or enable poor behavior in our children.  Yet all of our years with Aaron have taught us that once he starts down a track of great frustration it is nearly impossible to turn him around in the same way that we could another of our children.  The disconnect, if you will, in Aaron’s brain just won’t allow him to see things any other way but the way that he sees it. There are times when we have to see Aaron’s world through Aaron’s eyes, and then seek to re-route that train that’s headed down the track to a sure collision. 

Aaron began to blame Gary and I for the lack of electricity.  No amount of explaining kept him from blaming us.  And if it wasn’t exactly our fault that the power was out, it was certainly our fault that we didn’t know when it was coming back on.  And if it wasn’t our fault that we didn’t know when it would come back on, it was most definitely our fault that we didn’t have a plan of action that would give him something to do.  Never mind that nothing we suggested was  acceptable to him.  It was still our fault!!

Aaron’s anger was escalating.  When Aaron gets really angry, he will break something – and it’s usually something that he likes.  So strange, but true.  Therefore, I was very thankful when Gary suggested that we go for a drive to see if we could find out where the power problem was.  I fully expected Aaron to demand that if we did find the problem, then Gary should climb up the pole and fix it……….since after all, it was HIS fault!

The drive was nice.  Of course, Aaron had to have on his favorite music and he had to talk the whole time, but at least he was happier.  We finished by going to Taco Bell, where Aaron had to examine every single item on the drive-through menu………and I told Gary to just order Nachos Bell Grande for him……….and right after that was done, Aaron said he wanted tacos.  Sorry, Aaron.  He ate his Nachos at our kitchen table, in the dusky light, with his TWO spoons and his TWO forks that he got from the silverware drawer, and the napkin caddy, and his water with a straw – always.

Gary grilled turkey burgers and turkey hot dogs on the grill, and Aaron ate a couple hot dogs while trying to sneak some to Jackson – always.  Then he and I played Skip-Bo by lantern light, and he was very happy about that……even when I won!  And just as we finished our game, the power came back on!!  Before I could hardly blink, Aaron had vanished.  He was in his room in record time, turning his computer on and treasuring at least a short time to play his game.  He wasn’t even angry when it was time to get off and get ready for bed.  The storm had truly passed, at least for that day.

When I went in to his room to say good-night, he told me to wait a minute.  He sat on his bed and reached for his digital clock on his night stand, then told me to tell him what time it was so that he could set his clock.  I told him that it was 11:12.  Click, click, click.  He set the correct time, then stood up and looked at his satellite digital clock by his desk.  His eyes became large and almost wild as he said, “It’s 11:13!!”  Back to his bed he went, and quickly changed his night stand clock to 11:13.
 
Another crisis averted!  Dear Aaron.  He wants his life to run like clockwork, but sometimes that just doesn’t happen.  Yet trying to explain that to Aaron is NOT easy.  Sometimes it’s not at all possible.  Therefore, Gary and I are the ones that have to constantly adjust.  We have to reset our way of thinking and our way of disciplining and our way of living on those days and in those moments.  We do get frustrated and tired, and sometimes we feel guilty for getting frustrated and tired.

But God is faithful in these storms…….in the tornadoes and in the Aaron issues, God is there.  Whether it’s 11:12 or 11:13, God is with us.  And there is much He can teach us through this Aaron of ours.

Like today……….Wednesday……..Aaron’s least favorite day to go to his day group.  But that storm story is for another day.  

I’m Iknorin’ You!

Yesterday morning was one of those mornings with Aaron.  If there is a morning that Aaron stubs up and refuses to go to his day group, it’s usually on Wednesday.  The staff at Paradigm cooks on that day.  They fix very yummy meals, but Aaron wants nothing to do with it.  For several weeks, Aaron told me that the staff was just going to give them tuna sandwiches and that he doesn’t like tuna, and on and on.  Well, I checked with some of the staff and found out that they have never fixed tuna sandwiches and had no intention of fixing tuna sandwiches.  Aaron was caught and he knew it.  Therefore, he has changed his Wednesday tactic. 

He got up on his own yesterday.  Andrea was busy getting ready to head back to Texas.  I found Aaron sprawled out on her floor, petting her little dog, Darcy……..who was trying to hide under her desk because she doesn’t exactly trust Aaron.  Darcy is a perceptive little doggie.  She doesn’t like Aaron’s booming noises, or how he bursts through closed doors, or his clapping, or his loud talking.  She does like the fact that he slips her treats………treats like gummy worms, or peanuts, or pieces of meat under the dinner table.  Therefore, Darcy will timidly allow Aaron to pet her as she searches his outstretched hand for a little food nugget.  Aaron had no such treat in his hand as he laid there petting her, so she stayed under the desk, keeping her distance as best she could.  Smart little Darcy.

I spoke to Aaron and he slowly got up, coming into my bedroom as I was getting ready.  He began his Wednesday morning con job.  “Mom, I’m tired,” he flatly said.  I told him that I was sorry, and then told him that I had poured his coffee…….which would work wonders on his tiredness.  This was not the response he wanted.  He wanted me to quickly realize that there was absolutely no cure for such extreme tiredness as he was now experiencing.  So with as much feigned exhaustion as he could muster, he continued.  “No, I’m really tired.  I read until 11:32 and then at 2:00 I was still awake.”  His tone was one of utter fatigue and was definitely designed to prick my tender mother’s heart……….and to allow him to stay home. 

Inside I was smiling, and I was also dreading the way that this morning might progress.  Aaron can easily turn very hateful when his worn-out ploy doesn’t get the desired result……..which is that Mom will allow him to stay at home.  I expressed concern for his weariness even as I went about my business.  I once again reminded him of the coffee waiting downstairs and his morning pills.  Aaron was beginning to see that Mom had a rather hard heart in her chest on this morning.  Therefore, he deployed Plan Number 2.

“Mom, I’m iknorin’ you.”  Oh brother!  This is one of Aaron’s favorite games to play anymore………..except it’s not a fun game.  It’s almost always a sign that he is getting fed up with me.  So I just “iknored” what he said and kept getting my make-up on, even as he followed me into my bathroom.   He stood there staring at me, hoping for some result that would come from his statement.  There was none.  He repeated, “I’m just iknorin’ you.”  Still no response from seemingly calm Mom.  “So I’m iknorin’ you.”  I shook my head but made no comment.  “I’m going to iknore you.” 

It was so hard not to laugh.  In his effort to ignore me, he was totally NOT ignoring me!  I don’t know how many times he repeated that he was “iknorin’ ” me, but I just sat there going about  my business………which in reality meant that I was the one doing the “iknorin’ “………….not Aaron.  He never seemed to come to that reality, however.

Finally, he walked out of the bathroom and made one more verbal fling.  “You can’t make me stop iknorin’ you!!!!”

At last he was out of sight and I could fully smile, and even chuckle.  He actually drank his coffee and took his pills, and then I heard him taking his shower.  Progress!  A good sign indeed!

He ended up sitting at his desk, watching his new GI Joe movie.  I realized that we might be able to leave early enough for me to take Aaron to either Dillon’s or Quik Trip to get a drink.  Knowing that the very sound of my voice might stir up his anger again, I decided to try a different tactic to ease him beyond his frustration on this morning.  I wrote him a note, and then quietly walked into his room.  I handed him the note over his shoulder, laying it on the desk in front of him.  He read it quickly before I could leave the room, and then he happily replied, “OK!”  And he immediately added, very softly, “Sorry.”  I patted his shoulder and left the room, where soon he joined me to say that he wanted to go to Dillon’s.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  He didn’t write me back on that little piece of paper.  Instead, he was willing to communicate.  More progress!

We had overcome that hurdle, but the rest of the morning was crazy, thanks to Aaron.  He said something to Andrea and me about opening the front door, so we rushed downstairs……….where we looked outside and saw Darcy running through our neighbor’s yard.  We ran outside and yelled, not knowing how far Darcy would run, but thankfully she came back to Andrea right away.  I was fussing at Aaron, who seemed oblivious to what he had done, and soon I hustled him into the van.  I was trying not to be late to meet his day group ride. 

We backed out of the driveway, and Aaron suddenly opened the van door and hopped out, not caring that we were in the middle of the street.  He said that he forgot something, and I yelled at him to close the van door.  I pulled back into the driveway as he scurried (as fast as Aaron can scurry) back to the garage, where he opened the door and went inside the house.  He came back carrying his container of peanuts, and off we hurried to Dillon’s.

I walked quickly into the store, with Aaron lagging behind.  He finally chose his flavored water and then had to have more peanuts, and finally we were done and on our way to meet his group, and of course he talked non-stop the whole way, and I was frustrated at being late…………  

But at least he wasn’t “iknorin’ ” me, right?  We pulled up to the day group van, where Aaron opened his window so that Craig would open his window…….and Aaron continued to talk.  I nudged him out as he grabbed his Dillon’s bag that held his peanuts and flavored water, and then he grabbed his other peanuts……all the while happily talking to Craig while he juggled his TWO containers of peanuts and his water.  Aaron was asking Craig about the barbecue that they were going to have that day, and informing Craig that he would NOT go to the barbecue in the park, water balloons or not.  

I had moved beyond being “iknored” and the whole dog incident and the tiredness of Aaron and rushing through Dillon’s by the time Aaron barged in the door at 4:30.  He rushed upstairs to find me as he yelled, “Mom!  Mom!”  He burst into my bedroom and proceeded to excitedly tell me about the barbecue in the park……..the barbecue that he had no intention of attending………and of the hamburger and chips he ate……….and the water balloons that he avoided………and the geese that he fed and the goose poop that he scraped off of his shoes. 

He dug in his pocket and pulled out some very dirty coins that I had him promptly throw away.   He continued to dig in his pocket and then pulled out a very ragged feather.  He held it toward me as he said, “Here, Mom!  This is for you.  It’s a goose feather.  Here, take it!”  I came very close to telling him that this feather was very dirty and that he should throw it away as he did the filthy coins, but the look on his face stopped me.  To Aaron this gift was as valuable as a gold and diamond necklace.  How could I say no?


So I reached out and took the possible goose feather, and I thanked him as warmly as if it was that beautiful necklace.  He hardly reacted, though I knew he was pleased as he thumped up the hall to his bedroom……..where he checked to be sure I had plugged in his keyboard, and then changed his clothes……..with his door open.  And he loudly reminded me to tell him when Wheel of Fortune came on, the way he does every single night.

That ragged possible goose feather with who-knows-what on it is still sitting on my desk……….a reminder that Aaron cared enough for Mom to bring me a treasure.  I never know what to expect from Aaron from day to day, from hour to hour…..even though at times he is so predictable.  His mind is amazing and multi-layered, that’s for sure.

I went from being “iknored” to being the recipient of a valued feather of unknown origins.  All in all, I’d say it was a pretty good day.