Category: Friendship

What’s in a Kiss?!

Before I write this blog, I need to give a little background on two issues with Aaron.  First, Aaron has a very special friend at Paradigm named Rosie.  I wrote several blogs about Aaron and Rosie, and how Aaron was (and is) so happy about their friendship.  Yet he also had to figure out the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, so we had many discussions about that topic.  It’s been so sweet and so interesting.  I believe that Aaron understands that he and Rosie are good friends, and that their relationship doesn’t have to be anything beyond that.

Aaron and Rosie
 
Here are three links to blogs about Aaron and Rosie.

 http://hesaidwhatks.blogspot.com/2011/10/aaron-and-rosie.html

 http://hesaidwhatks.blogspot.com/2013/02/that-boyfriendgirlfriend-thing.html

http://hesaidwhatks.blogspot.com/2012/11/no-one-likes-me.html

The other issue to mention is how Aaron views the delicate word……sex.  He knows there’s something about that word.  He has asked us, even recently, if the word “sex” is a bad word.  We have told him that it is not a bad word at all. 

“Then is sexy a bad word?” he asked.  And we assure him that “sexy” is not a bad word.  We have given him as much information as we think he needs, which is very minimal.  He never speaks of girls as being sexy or pretty.  He doesn’t turn to look at girls in a store or on television, but he does know that some things are inappropriate.  Like one night when a commercial came on with scantily clad girls and Aaron said, “That’s not good for me, is it Mom?” 

Now when we watch Wheel of Fortune and Aaron sees a couple hug or kiss, he softly says, in his monotone voice, “Sexy.”  If a contestant hugs Pat because they won a trip, Aaron once again says, “Sexy.”  Basically anytime he sees two people hug or kiss, I know that I’ll hear that deep, monotone voice very matter-of-factly say, “Sexy.”  It’s really funny, but I know better than to make a big deal out of it. 

So why am I writing all this?  Well, there is a client at Paradigm that Aaron has known for a long time.  I will call her Jane, though that is not her real name.  Jane is 10 years older than Aaron, and is very caring and kind.  Lately she has been extra attentive and nice to Aaron.  She more or less mothers him in many respects, helping him on days that he is sad or angry.  Aaron has had some struggles over the past few months, so Jane has been there with encouraging words and assurances of her friendship.  She is higher functioning than Aaron, so that along with being older has made her a nurturing friend to Aaron.

Aaron thinks that a huge part of his being a friend to someone involves him giving that person things.  He gave Rosie all the crayons in our house over a period of time because Rosie loves crayons.  He loves to bring Rosie snacks and drinks and pictures that we sometimes print from the computer.  And money.  Aaron has given away money many times, not only to Rosie but to other friends at Paradigm as well. 

So lately Aaron has been buying things for Jane with some of his spending money while they’re at Paradigm.  Their deepening friendship has prompted Aaron’s giving spirit to be aimed now at Jane.  One day I let Aaron buy two Gatorade’s at Dillon’s on our way to meet his group.   When he got to Paradigm and handed one of the drinks to Jane, she was so happy that she leaned over and gave Aaron a kiss on the cheek.

Just a little kiss…….but oh, it was not little to Aaron.  It became THE kiss, and quite a topic of conversation when Aaron burst in the door that evening.

“Mom!  I gave Jane a Gatorade and do you know what she did?”

He waited for me to say that I did not know what she did.

And breathlessly……really……he continued, “She KISSED me on the cheek!!”

I assured him that Jane was just being nice……that it didn’t mean anything.

Aaron was not so sure.

“When Jane kissed me, she made me think I’m being sexy.”

Oh dear.

I again said with fake confidence that I was positive that Jane was just being nice………a friendly kind of nice, you know.

Good grief.  How do I explain this?

“So I’m not being sexy?”  Aaron asked.

No, Aaron.  You’re not being sexy.   Jane was just very happy about her drink and she was thanking you.  She’s just sweet that way.

Deep breath.

Well, days passed……..and every single day, Aaron has talked about Jane and how nice she is to him.  I’ve talked to Barb at Paradigm, and I understand that Jane is older and wiser than Aaron……..in a good way, HaHa!  And we are sure that Jane is simply being motherly and kind to Aaron.   

On the way to Paradigm yesterday, Aaron started talking once again about Jane…….and THE kiss. 

“Mom, I just wonder……….do I HAVE to be her boyfriend?”

That’s more like the Aaron we know.  Deep sigh of relief………I hope.

No, Aaron, you do not HAVE to be Jane’s boyfriend.  She just wants to be friends and so you don’t need to worry.

This statement seemed to please Aaron.  I’m not totally sure yet, but I think Aaron really just wants to be friends as well.  All this boyfriend stuff is too complicated and confusing to Aaron, it seems. 

At least I hope that’s the case. 

Aaron being sexy?

Oh dear is putting it mildly!

 

 

 

 

 

Another Birthday…..Something Old and Something New

This past Friday was Aaron’s birthday – his number 29, to be exact.  That seems so strange to me, thinking that next year he’ll be 30 years old!  He loves his birthday, and weeks before the big day he’s already planning it.  Well, planning where to eat, most of all………..and then talking about gift ideas.  For a long time he wanted to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner, which would be the third year in a row.  But one day a few weeks ago he said, “Mom, I decided I want to go to that Mexican restaurant.”  I asked him which one and he answered, “You know, the one with those Mexican dancers.”  Mexican dancers?  I was trying to remember where on earth we had been that he had seen Mexican dancers……..and how I could have missed the Mexican dancers………when it hit me. 

“Aaron, do you mean Texas Roadhouse?”  I asked him.  “Yeah,” he replied.  “You remember those Mexican dancers there?”  I proceeded to explain the difference in Mexican and cowboy, wondering where he got the Mexican theme from other than an old cowboy movie filmed near Mexico.  Anyway, we got that figured out and so Texas Roadhouse it was.

Of course, Aaron wanted Rosie and her mom and dad to come.  And he invited staff from Paradigm, so Misty got to be there as well.  He’s so funny, planning and talking and looking forward to his special day so much.  But when the day is finally here, he really doesn’t seem all that excited.  He gives a little embarrassed chuckle at all the “Happy Birthday, Aaron!” greetings, or a quick smile as he ducks his head and walks away.  He tolerates the annual birthday picture with our traditional birthday banner.  It’s like he wants to check things off his “My Birthday Is Finally Here” list……and then just get on with normal life.  When he walked in the door after getting home from Paradigm, he saw the wrapped gifts and the cards laying on the table, but he didn’t even act like he noticed them. 

 
He talked for a few minutes about his day, and then told me to come and get him when it was time to leave for Texas Roadhouse.  Soon he was on his computer, unwinding and returning to his world for a few minutes.  He got off happily when it was time to go, the thoughts of restaurant food making him willing to leave his game.  It was a nice evening full of juggling conversation and food with him and with Rosie, and us adults fitting in some words whenever we could.  I loved watching him and Rosie sitting beside each other, across from me, and enjoying their friendship……..done their way. 

 
I was reminded of what Aaron said to me a few days earlier about a conversation he had with one of his staff.  “I asked Andrew why Rosie likes me.  He said she doesn’t talk to many people but she likes to talk to me.”  I told him that was very nice and so he continued, “But that makes me embarrassed……….like………married?”  He thought for a minute and then finished by saying, “I’m not a person to marry.”

Dear Aaron, always worried about this marriage thing.   I assured him that being special friends doesn’t mean marriage, and now as he sat beside Rosie during his birthday dinner I was just happy to see them being who they are.  This means that they didn’t talk much to each other at all.  Aaron was busy stuffing as many rolls in his mouth as he could muster after being sure I had spread the PLAIN butter on them from edge to edge, and being sure I scraped ALL the ranch dressing out of the little container for his salad, and eating peanuts during each free moment, and talking as much as he possibly could.  Rosie was coloring some with her nice colored pencils that she loves, and holding the pencils when not coloring, and reminding first Misty and then her Mom to tell about this and tell about that. 
 

Rosie was excited to give Aaron his gift, and typical Aaron didn’t act near as excited to receive it.  He opened the gifts from Rosie and from Misty, and he sort of said thanks, but he had rolls to eat and chicken critters to chew on……..and opening gifts, while fun, means he has to do that embarrassing thank you, after all.  Deep down he’s pleased with gifts, but he wants to keep those emotions deep down and not put them out there for all to see. 

 
 
I loved it when I told Rosie and Aaron that I wanted to take their picture together, and immediately Rosie put her arm around Aaron.  She did that last year, too.  It’s just so genuine and real……..and is something Aaron would not do.  Soon it was time to go, and Aaron barely said goodbye or thanks to anyone.  He was off to his next assignment that needed to be checked off his list………opening presents at home.  He got through that in good order, moving from one to the other with little emotion but definitely taking it all in.   Gary and I laughed at the funny cards, but we had to make Aaron stop to fully read them and to notice how comical they were.  He was moving from point A to point B to point C……….enjoying the cards and the gifts but definitely nearing overload.  We made sure he reopened Rosie’s and Misty’s gifts and cards so he could realize what they were all about.  Soon, though, he was off to his room.  No time or desire to sit there and linger over some nice conversation with Mom and Dad, and too full for any of the apple pie I had made him. 

He got into his pajamas as quickly as he could, and immersed himself in his game before thumping downstairs a few times to talk awhile.  His weekend was nice as well, with a little shopping, a little pizza, a little apple pie, a little time with Mom and Dad and Jackson, and just life as Aaron likes it. 

I went in his room on Saturday night to say it was time for bed and time for me to take his keyboard.  He was just finishing up his new movie that he got for his birthday…….Pacific Rim.  A few minutes later I stuck my head back in his room and was not at all surprised to see him completely absorbed in watching the credits.  I’ve told about how he watches movies from the very beginning to the very end.  The very, very end with the picture of the lion and the minuscule print. 

This is another part of life as Aaron likes it, so I just smiled and walked away until the movie…….in Aaron’s opinion…….was totally over.  Nothing new here.

Well, this morning there was something new.  Aaron has been getting up early in the mornings, but today he slept until a little after 8:00.  As we were getting ready to leave later to meet his group, Aaron said, “Mom, today I got up at 8:06………which was new!”

That, to Aaron, is indeed something new under the sun and worth noting.   
And that, to me, is something to be expected and worthy of a smile. 

A Very Special Lady

I dug into my memory drawer today when I had a few free minutes.  There was one thing I was looking for, and soon I found it.  Or found them, I should say.  I need to organize that drawer that is stuffed full of random cards and letters and other mementos.  The unmistakable hand writing on the particular envelopes I pulled out, though, easily identified the sender of these treasures and made them easy to find.  I’m sure there are others still there in my drawer that I will find later, but for now I was happy to find the ones that I did.  I was actually surprised at the many cards and letters that I found in that quick search.  It’s a testament to the gracious caring of the amazing person whose heart touched so many of us by the cards and letters and copies of poems and articles that she spent countless hours mailing to hundreds of people, I’m sure.

Alice Zwemke……..Mrs. Alice, as she often signed her name.  I’m so grateful that Gary and I had the wonderful privilege of knowing her here in Wichita.  She was the embodiment of kindness and gentleness, her voice soft and her smile so full of sweetness.  She most definitely possessed the gift of encouragement, and she exercised that gift to the fullest of the abilities God gave her until her age and poor health made it more and more difficult to do so.  She would encourage by her kind words and her soft touch, but the way that stood out to so many of us was in her mailings.  If I sang a song at church, I would almost always get a card from Alice thanking me and giving me encouraging words.  She would thank Gary for teaching or for praying, or thank us for various other ways that we served.  Always lifting us up…………always showing us love.

However, even more touching than the many cards and articles and letters that she sent us….and the many hugs and sweet words that she spoke to us……..was the complete love and acceptance that she showed to our Aaron.  She never looked at him like he was odd.  She never seemed put off by his brusqueness.  I never saw her cringe when he was loud or angry. 

After Aaron was in the hospital for five days for a video EEG in 2003, there in our mail came a letter from Mrs. Alice.  As she so often did, she referred to Aaron as “A very special Aaron.”  She quoted a verse that she put in other cards to him: “His eye seeth every precious thing.”  I remember reading these cards to Aaron, the cards from Mrs. Alice, and having a hard time being able to finish them because of the lump in my throat and the tears burning my eyes. 

 
Here’s a card from Mrs. Alice for Aaron’s birthday in 2004.  Again, she told him how precious and how special he was.  She said that she hoped at the Thanksgiving meal that she and Aaron could share a bit. 

 
Fast forward to 2009.  Mrs. Alice sent Aaron another birthday card.  You can see from her handwriting that age was taking its toll on Alice.  Her writing was shakier, but her sentiments of love were as strong as ever.  Once again she reminded Aaron that he was special.  Mrs. Alice loved that word.  She used it often with Aaron……and then on this card, she used that word as she signed her own name – your special admirer. 

 
Yes, Alice was indeed special.  Aaron didn’t realize just how special Alice was as I would read him what she wrote.  He enjoyed getting the cards and he knew who she was, but he didn’t fully realize just how much she cared for him or what she was trying to convey to him.  But Gary and I knew, and we were and always will be so very grateful for her sweet love for our special Aaron. 

Tomorrow, November 8, is our special Aaron’s birthday.  And tomorrow is the day that many of us will attend the funeral service for our very special Alice.  I think it’s pretty special that we get to attend Alice’s graduation service, as she would want it called, on Aaron’s birthday.  She would smile at that thought and think of just how special it all really is, too.

We love you, Alice, for all that you were and all that you meant to us…..but especially for the love that you generously poured out to Aaron. 

What a special lady you were!   

Aaron and Rosie…….Not Too Rosy?

Today Aaron stayed home from his day group.  No, he wasn’t sick and he didn’t have any seizures overnight.  It’s actually more complex than that.  It concerns an issue that is requiring us, and others involved, to have wisdom and understanding……and not only for Aaron.  This matter involves Rosie as well………Rosie, Aaron’s very special friend.

I first wrote about Rosie two years ago.  Here’s the link to that blog post:   http://hesaidwhatks.blogspot.com/2011/10/aaron-and-rosie.html.   Aaron and Rosie have continued to maintain a very special relationship…………….going to each other’s birthday dinners with parents, staying near each other at Paradigm, and usually going on the same outings with each other during their day at Paradigm.  It’s been sweet to see their friendship grow……and it’s been interesting to work with Aaron as he’s tried to understand their relationship, and whether they MUST be boyfriend/girlfriend or can they just be good friends.

What has been occurring recently involves two issues.  The first issue is Aaron’s desire to give or to buy Rosie things.  We have allowed him to bring her a bottle of juice or some baby carrots or some other food item from the house.  Sometimes we let him print her a picture on the computer of one of her favorite characters from the movie Cars or some other movie that she likes.  He likes to share his movie popcorn with Rosie, or to buy her a snack when they are out. 

The second issue is wrapped around the matter of crayons.  Yes, crayons.  Rosie loves crayons.  I mean, Rosie ADORES crayons.  She lives and breathes for crayons.  I had no idea how strong her love of crayons was when she and Aaron first became friends.  I just knew that Aaron was sneaking our old crayons out of the house in the mornings and taking them to Rosie at Paradigm.  If I knew then what I know now, I would have put a stop to that.  Anyway, Louise and Leroy, Rosie’s parents, have through the years developed a system to help control Rosie’s crayon obsession.  She is allowed to only have a certain number of crayons at definite times.  The more crayons that Rosie has, the more frustrated and obsessed she becomes with getting more crayons.  It’s a vicious cycle, and Leroy and Louise have worked out the best system to help keep the crayon dilemma under control.

Lately, though, crayons have somehow become a huge issue once again.  I know that Aaron  bought Rosie some crayons when they were out together with their group, and that it happened more than once.  We repeated to Aaron over and over that this was not allowed. Rosie began wanting more and more crayons, of course, and so things began to snowball.  Rosie wanting crayons……Aaron saying no……….Rosie becoming frustrated.  One day when Aaron was afraid that Rosie would get in trouble at Paradigm, he told me, “Mom, I wanted to take Rosie’s blame!”  I just stood there, wondering how to answer that amazing statement from Aaron……….admiring his care for Rosie, but knowing that Rosie also needed to learn that she couldn’t have all these crayons.  
Not long after that, Aaron came home one day and again was frustrated.  “Mom, I’m tired of bringing my wallet now.  I expected to have a fun day!”  Once again I told Aaron that he had helped create all this by repeatedly buying Rosie things, especially the recent crayons, but instead of responding with understanding, he replied, “Can you understand my day was spoiled?!”  And can you understand why, Aaron?  Can you?  Maybe a little? 

Things came to a head yesterday in the mall, with Aaron buying the biggest ice cream that he could in order to spend all his money, and Rosie wanting her crayons.  I don’t know all the details, but there was a meltdown from poor Rosie in the mall.  And here at home later that evening, a frustrated and sad Aaron had his own form of meltdown that prompted me to go buy him some jelly beans that he wanted………hoping that he would calm down and engage in some conversation as he saw his anticipated jelly beans waiting on the table. 

Jelly beans………..crayons……..but instead of two young children squabbling over these items, we have two young adults to whom jelly beans and crayons mean the world.  Jelly beans and crayons hold the key to happiness for Aaron and Rosie at this point in time.  I tried to get Aaron to sit still in the family room and talk to me, but he kept getting up and pacing around the room as he talked about this problem.  Then he finally sat down on the ottoman near where I was sitting on the couch, and the tears came.  He tried to wipe them away, but they still welled up in his tired eyes.  And as he talked, I realized that Aaron was somewhat frustrated with Rosie but he was also sad that they are at this point with each other.  He is upset that he is feeling this way toward his special Rosie, and he doesn’t know what to do now that things are not all rosy with Rosie. 

It’s so very hard to reason with Aaron the same way that I would with Andrea or Andrew.  I told Aaron that his feelings are not at all unusual, and that all friends or couples go through these times.  I told him that his dad and I have times of irritation with each other, but that we work it out and then everything is fine.  He would listen, but then go back to repeating the same words over again that he had just said……..and I knew I wasn’t making much headway into that head of his, at least as far as I could tell.  And I know from talking to Louise that it’s the same way with Rosie.  They just don’t get it……….although we keep trying and we keep hoping.  But their disconnect mentally is very evident in this delicate matter of working through the junk that sometimes mires a relationship.

I wasn’t surprised this morning when Aaron came downstairs and plopped on the floor beside Jackson, and said that he didn’t want to go to Paradigm today.  I was on the computer and I turned to look at my boy who is a man, but who is really still a boy………..a boy/man who is working to understand himself and to understand Rosie.  I know that I can’t dismiss his repeated conversations about what has happened, even as I can’t dismiss the obvious pain of this lesson.  I once again assured him that he and Rosie are still very special friends……..that Rosie’s mom is going to work with Rosie on all this……..that the staff at Paradigm will work with both Aaron and Rosie to help them along………..and that his dad and I are always here for him.


I talked to Louise today and was so thankful for her kindness and her understanding.  Of course she is………she has walked this path for many years, too……….this path of mothering her special daughter who is now a young woman but still a child.  Together we hope to walk beside our Aaron and Rosie, helping them solve this crayon problem that is every bit as serious as if we were helping our children solve a deep relationship problem that might threaten to dissolve a marriage.  We both value the unique friendship that Rosie and Aaron share, and we wouldn’t want to see their happiness disrupted over anything………including crayons.  All the while, Louise and Leroy have the crayon dilemma to address concerning Rosie……….and Gary and I have the “I want to buy Rosie something every day” dilemma with Aaron.

I told Louise today that I feel a bit like a meddling mother-in-law………and we laughed at that thought.  At least Rosie and Aaron won’t see us as meddling, so I can breathe easy. 

I hope!