Over the years of blogging about our life with Aaron, I have sought to inform and educate others about the complexities of autism. There are so many parts and pieces to autism…so many ways that Aaron’s life, and therefore ours, is affected by how autism makes him function.
Oh, if you only knew how many times I have thought or even asked this question of Aaron: “Can’t you just…….?”
Fill in the blank.
I have even had that question asked of me concerning Aaron.
“Can’t you do something with Aaron?!”
Or this one: “Have you thought about….?”
Or: “Have you tried….?”
Now, I do not mind helpful advice or constructive criticism. However, one must be careful to truly understand a condition before offering advice on handling that condition.
Even Gary and I, with our years of experience, can at times find ourselves floundering amid Aaron’s stubbornness about certain situations.
Aaron is very wrapped up in his own comfort and routine, sometimes to the detriment of everyone around him. Anger on his part can set in quickly when his perceived needs are not being met in the way that he wants them to be met.
It’s narcissism at its finest…or not…but is born out of Aaron’s deep-seated requirements of life, not out of pure selfishness. Some incidents seem incredibly selfish, though, and there are times to handle that situation.
Such was the case one evening not long ago. I was preparing a meal for supper when Aaron came into the kitchen and asked what we were having. The meal wasn’t one of his known favorites. And he let it be known right away that he was having none of it.
I did not budge when he asked if he could have something else to eat. I reminded him that I do not run a restaurant and that he could eat what we were eating. I told him I knew he would like it if he just gave it a try.
He was most unhappy!
After several trips into the kitchen, where he angrily informed me that he hated that food and would NOT eat it, I knew that nothing I said was going to turn him around. In fact, any words from my mouth just added fuel to the flame.
This is when I have learned to shut down and no longer respond to anything Aaron says. I do not talk to him or respond to him.
And he detests that. It makes him very uncomfortable when Mom doesn’t talk to him, but the silence is the best way I have found to defuse him and to show him that I am done with this scene.
As supper was nearly ready, he began to follow me around, talking a lot and hoping for a response from me. Finally, he asked a question that needed an answer, so I responded in a very flat voice. Aaron knows that this voice of Mom’s is still an indication that he has crossed the line.
“Mom!” he urgently said, “you should answer like you’re happy that I’m telling you!!”
I had to smile at that one and was glad that my back was to him.
But you see, Aaron is clueless about how his treatment of us affects us. It’s good for him to see the effect in a tangible way, as in my silence and lack of enthusiasm.
He did eat a little dinner with us, and we were able to talk to him some about his attitude.
Then later, Gary and I slipped out to the porch for a little time together. We both needed a breather.
But we weren’t stealthy enough, for Aaron heard us and soon darted out the door and made himself right at home with us. There he sat, seemingly oblivious to what had happened earlier, all primed and ready for a long talk with his captive audience.
Of course, he didn’t talk about his earlier behaviors. He didn’t talk about his feelings, and he most definitely did NOT talk about our feelings.
Aaron wanted to fill our ears with his latest discoveries from reading his book on UFOs. He wanted to talk and talk and talk about Area 51, asking tons of questions and waiting for our answers.
Ah, Aaron…slipping into his comfort zone and unaware of the fact that this is not our comfort zone at all.
Such is the give and take of living with autism. My silence had pushed Aaron out of his comfortable place. Now his talk of aliens and UFOs and Area 51 showed us that Aaron was ready to get back to normal…his normal, that is.
And yet his normal has in a strange way become our normal, too. We know that Aaron is happy again when his conversation turns in these strange ways.
I guess Gary and I have become a little strange ourselves sometimes.
And strangely enough, we didn’t have to act happy.
We truly were just as happy as little aliens in a UFO!
He Said What?! 
Oh, Patty, I had to laugh at Aaron’s return to normal. So good to know that you learned a few responses that work with him. I think about a dog that has taken a swim that gets out of the water, shakes himself and goes back to life as normal. You and Gary do the same thing and are able to enjoy Aaron normal Ed’s and smile. Abundant blessings of humor and love! 💕😁
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Thank you, Hazel! I love the dog imagery. I do shake my head a lot. :).
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LOL! 😀 Patty, don’t forget to shake your body including your shoulders, where tension can stay. 🐶 You’re welcome!
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Oh, I’ll try to increase my shaking, Hazel. 🙂
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😊
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Ah, Patty, how I admire your stamina and self-control as you deal with Aaron. If only these strategies you’ve put into place (i.e. not speaking to him when he crosses the line of acceptable behavior) achieved long-term results, but it appears your efforts only help (somewhat!) in the short-term. Praise God you’re able to return to “happy as little aliens in a UFO” after each incident!
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You’re right, Nancy. The lessons and results we hope Aaron learns usually are short-term. Oh well. We have to keep trying. And keep laughing when we can. 🙂
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You’re AMAZING, Patty!
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You’re sweet, Nancy. Thank you.
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Wonderful post Patty. Your comment about narcissism “or not” was so right on as was your understanding that it is the needs of an autistic person that can look that way but are not the same. Love you.
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You certainly know what you’re talking about, Barbara. I’m sure you saw these traits often in your practice. Like I said, it’s complex trying to understand reasons and motivations for Aaron’s behaviors but often his behaviors are really not from ulterior or selfish motives. He truly cannot help himself. Thanks for your understanding and comment, Barbara. Love you!
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Patty I can’t imagine how you two make it through. I know you will say only with God’s help, but thanks for sharing the difficulties that come with the package. God bless you all.
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Thank you so much, Pete. Your words help me realize that it’s ok to share the hard. I never want to be negative but I also want to be truthful. Thank you again.
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I would guess that over the years Aaron has made significant progress. The guidance you give him and the patience you show him is beyond reproach. Thanks, Patty, for sharing how you sometimes have to deal with Aaron’s deep-seated requirements of life! The love you and your husband have for Aaron shines through. 🙂
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Thank you, Nancy. Sometimes my patience wears very thin or flies out the window, but each day is a new day to bounce back and try again. 🙂
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One of the things I love about your Aaron stories is that I am always able to see a piece of myself in Aaron and the way I respond to the Lord. How often have I stepped into the Lord’s kitchen, disliked what I saw being cooked up, and prayed my hardest to get Him to change the menu only to get upset when I sensed His silence in response. Sigh! Oh how I need to surrender my attitude and willingly accept whatever cuisine is served up. Patty, the Lord has truly given you a gift not only in Aaron but in your mothering, and in your writing. Through you, He speaks to the heart of His children. Blessings to you this day my friend.
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Bless you, Beth, for the wonderful encouragement you bring to me. Like you, I see myself and my relationship with the Lord so often in Aaron…and it’s usually not pretty. But God’s side of things is always full of love and hope. I’m so thankful! Thank you for reading and may you have a great upcoming weekend!
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Thank you for sharing your experiences. May God help others through it.
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You just echoed my prayer, Matt. Thank you!
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You handled that situation so well! And thank you for these honest insights into what it’s like to live with, and care for, someone who has autism. Those of us who are not in that situation have no idea at all how hard (and also rewarding) it can be. You’re helping us understand what caregivers are dealing with, which in turn helps us know how to support them. That’s a gift! I wish more people would be honest about their struggles…it would help all of us understand each other better, I think.
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Thank you, Ann! Your words mean a lot to me. I never want to present Aaron in a bad light yet I do want to be honest, and in doing so helping other parents or caregivers know that they are not alone. That’s always been my goal so for you to say what you did is a huge comfort to me.
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Patty, thank you for sharing snippets of daily life. Your writings grow understanding and empathy for others through the challenges you depict. Grace and peace to your family.
Your method of becoming silent and not responding gave me cause to wonder, “Does God sometimes use this method with His children?” I’ve been through spots in life when it “feels” as if God doesn’t hear, I get no response, and like Aaron, I find it uncomfortable and dislike it.
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Thank you for your encouragement, Manette. You know, you brought up a good point about God’s silence. I believe David experienced that in the Psalms. God always hears His children but there are times when His responses are either slow or seemingly non-existent. In all of that, He has His reasons and it’s up to us to trust Him, or to make things right with Him if that’s the case.
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Amen! I think there’s a depth of spiritual applications from this incident.
Christians must trust and obey but not easy when we want it our way. We’re bombarded by messages in the world that you can have things at microwave speed and, “have it your way.” That’s not an accurate image of a surrendered relationship with Sovereign God Almighty.
Like you not running a restaurant, God does not run a buffet where we can pick and choose truth that appeals to us and defiantly reject those we don’t like.
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You’re absolutely right!
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Definitely understand all of this lingo as we walk the same fine line with my brother. When we share these stories with another it makes it feel a little more “normal” ….because quite frankly there are some who just simply don’t and won’t ever understand life with our special loved ones. ❤️
P.S. I read your post to my family this evening and my husband wanted me to be sure and tell you of the time I made scrambled eggs for Jeffrey (and he always has to have scrambled eggs for breakfast, ALWAYS!!!!!!!) however this time I was “care sitting” for him as my mom was out of town and I happened to put shredded cheese on the scrambled eggs. Jeffrey sat down and noticed something was “off” with his eggs and asked what was on his eggs and when I told him it was shredded cheese he very vocally stated, “well that’s stupid!!!!”…I ended up removing the cheese…because cheese on eggs just isn’t “normal” for some….😂😉
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Oh yes, I understand Jeffrey’s reaction completely. And Aaron would have said the same thing, too, or something very similar. Others might think that they’re being very rude but they just have their likes and dislikes, and they have little if any patience for anyone who strays from that. And it’s not just lack of patience, right? Their brains literally cannot adjust. I’m like you. When I hear the stories of others who are similar to Aaron, it gives me the same feeling you have, and I don’t feel so alone. You’re a wonderful sister to Jeffrey! Bless you, Alicia.
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Thank you Patty, you’re a wonderful mom to Aaron.❤️
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Thank you, Alicia.
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Patty you are such an inspiration. May I ask, I know God helps you a lot, but do you ever do something special for yourself like a massage, lunch with a friend etc because you sure deserve it!
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Thank you, Diane! And it’s sweet of you to wonder if I have special time for me. I am so blessed with good friends that I get to spend time with. I have a dear group of friends – we call ourselves the Cloudy Friends – and we have a sweet bond of prayer and sharing. With Gary retired, I have a wonderful back-up for times I need him to be with Aaron. And when Aaron is at his day group, I have a nice break. 🙂 I really am very blessed.
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