I'm Patty, and my husband and I are living with our adult son who has autism and epilepsy. I love sharing lessons learned from life around me, especially life with Aaron.
Our Jackson is so sweet. Sometimes Aaron pets too roughly, talks too loudly, feeds too “muchly” – although Jackson loves the snacking! – but Jackson always loves Aaron. Jackson will go to another room when he wants away from Aaron, but he doesn’t hold a grudge and he’s always patient.
We can learn some valuable lessons from our big, sweet dog!
If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, I think you understand that Aaron is:
1. Very observant
2. Very blunt
Those two characteristics don’t necessarily work well together. Anyone who lives or works with Aaron knows that having thick skin is of great benefit. A good sense of humor helps, too.
Several years ago I was able to fly home to West Virginia to spend some time with my family, and to also attend the 50th Anniversary Celebration of Johnston Chapel Baptist Church. Mom and Dad raised us in this church, and we have many special memories of our time there. My brother pastors there now.
Anyway, during that visit my brother and my three sisters and I gathered around my dear parents for an impromptu photograph. It’s one of my favorite pictures of the five of us with Mom and Dad.
Now I have to explain that:
1. All of us are………how do I say it?………….well rounded.
2. Except for Jan, who is not well rounded…………..in the sense that the rest of us are.
3. We love Jan anyway.
OK, Jan has managed to remain thin after all these years AND after giving birth to TWO – yes, I said TWO – sets of twins. It’s not fair – but like I said, we do love her anyway.
When I received my copy of this picture, I framed it and displayed it proudly. Of course, Aaron noticed it right away and wanted to look at it. He and I stood there, gazing down at the picture, and talking about who was there. Of course, there’s Mom…….and Aunt Mary Beth……..and Uncle John……….and Aunt Jan……….and Aunt Kathryn………….with Grandmother and Granddaddy.
He pondered the picture for a few seconds longer, thinking, and then pointed to Jan as he blurted out, “So…….what happened to HER?”
Leave it to Aaron. And every time we see Bob and Jan, Aaron will invariably mention that Aunt Jan is thin and you’re not, Mom, and yada, yada, yada……………..I just block it out at that point. But I do love Jan!! Love you, Jan!!
Maybe I’ll hide that picture.
The Sharktopus Film/Food Fest is officially over. No one could be any happier about that than me; Courtney; and Krysten. Aaron would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
I thought that the Berlin tornado movie last year was bad. I mean, a German movie dubbed over in English where the English words didn’t match their lip movements and the classic line was “I could hurt you real bad!”…………….was actually a notch above Sharktopus. And since I didn’t win the Mother of the Year award for Vortex Five………….the Berlin tornado movie actually did have a title………….I am convinced that I will win the 2012 Mother of the Year award for enduring Sharktopus.
Likewise, Krysten and Courtney deserve Friends of the Year awards for giving up a good chunk of their Saturday to watch this movie with Aaron. Or maybe a settlement from OSHA for damage done to them related to work……………or hazardous duty pay…………..or at least a pat on the back!!
Those young ladies are amazing, really. They love Aaron and they came all pepped up and happy, ready to have some fun. Aaron just wanted to know what size pizzas I was ordering and how many. I surprised him with the bread sticks, which we caught him trying to put in his pocket before I grabbed them to put away with the little bit of leftover pizza that somehow we managed to rescue before he scarfed it all down.
He’s worse than Sharktopus.
We decided to eat the pizza and bread sticks before the movie, as well as the Fruit Pizza cookies that Krysten brought. Yum!! We couldn’t put it off any longer, though – it was finally time to watch Sharktopus. Of course, Aaron had to homestead in his chair, getting up repeatedly until he had everything just so-so. His blanket, his slippers and slipper socks (yes, both!), his clock, his bag of tostito chips, his crumb bowl, his napkins, a band aid that I had to put on his finger, and I don’t know what else. Sometimes not knowing is easier.
Sharktopus was beyond awful. It was predictable with terrible acting, no plot worth mentioning, totally unbelievable story line, absurdly ridiculous special effects………….shall I continue? And Aaron loved it! He kept asking us if we liked it and what did we think of this scene and that scene, of this comment and that comment, etc., etc. Sharktopus is 89 minutes long and we were counting every single one of those minutes. Riveting……….absolutely riveting.
At the end of this classic movie, when Sharktopus is blown to bits……….sorry for the spoiler for those of you who will plan to waste 89 minutes watching this movie……………there is an unforgettable line when the girl says, “Do you think that Sharktopus will come back?” And the guy says, “That only happens in the movies.” Wow. Deep. And I hope it is only in the movies because I WILL not buy or watch that one.
There was a trailer before Sharktopus played that showed another first-class ScyFy movie. It’s called Dinocroc vs. Supergator………..I think. I am so hoping that Aaron doesn’t notice or research this movie, even though I was very intrigued by the trailer and I talked about it. What was I thinking?! I’ve paid my dues, though. No more.
 |
| We did it!!!!!! |
Courtney and Krysten went on their way. They offered to bring the next movie that we watch. They are not only sweet…………….they are smart.
First of all, I do not want to be embarrassing or demeaning to Aaron with this post – but there is a facet of Aaron that is very interesting. I was reminded of it this morning when he came downstairs. I could tell that he didn’t have his usual bounce. He was somber and his eyes showed an element of fear.
“Mom,” he quietly said, “the toilet upstairs is stopped up.” I understood, then, why Aaron was so quiet and withdrawn. He has always battled a fear of toilets. Yes, big and loud Aaron is afraid of toilets. And he is even more afraid of stopped-up toilets.
I probably unknowingly created this monster – or at least contributed greatly to it. The year was 1987. Gary was in the military and we had enjoyed several years in Colorado Springs, our first duty assignment. In May of 1987, he traveled to Germany to begin his new flying assignment there. Aaron, Andrea, and I had to wait until Gary got temporary quarters, at least, before we could join him. That didn’t happen until August, so in August we moved to Germany.
We had only been there for a few weeks when Gary had to go to the field for several weeks. There we were, living on the fourth floor of a huge building full of temporary quarters while we waited for our permanent housing to become available. Surroundings there were a little drab and sparse, to say the least. I didn’t know many people; couldn’t drive yet; had a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old; the washers and dryers were way down on the basement level; etc., etc.
The morning that I woke up and said goodbye to Gary was a lesson in having my own personal pep talk, as well as leaning on the Lord. I told myself that I could do this – no problem! Soon I heard Aaron and Andrea giggling, so I walked in their room to find this:
Not the best start, but what can you do – except laugh and take pictures?! Anyway, in the midst of all this stress I decided that I may as well begin potty training Aaron. I had waited long enough during our moves and upheaval, so why not now? I had gotten him some cute little GI Joe underwear and proceeded to fill him with excitement about our new potty-training venture. “Look at your new GI Joe underwear, Aaron!! Won’t this be fun?!” “Look at you, such a big boy in your GI Joe underwear!!” And on and on I went.
Soon after he started wearing his GI Joe underwear, of course, he pooped in them. No big deal, I thought. I knew that I could just swish them around a little in the toilet, put them in the underwear pail, and we’d be good as new. But I never thought about the difference in American and German toilets. German toilets are eco-friendly. They have a shelf, then a drop-off, and then just a tiny little bit of water below the drop-off. To make this design effective, the toilets have an extremely strong suction when you flush.
OK. I stood Aaron by the toilet, took his special and wonderful GI Joe underpants off, and soon realized that there wasn’t enough water in the toilet with which to clean them. I decided to hold them down in the little bit of water below the shelf, flush, and let the flushing water clean them off while I held them. I was feeling very smart as I reached over to the handle and flushed, with Aaron standing there watching his very smart mother’s every move as I held his very special GI Joe underwear down in the little bit of water.
One thing I hadn’t counted on……………..the suction. The very strong suction. It ripped Aaron’s special GI Joe underwear right out of my hand and sucked it down the toilet, never to be seen or heard from again. I can still hear that suction sound. I bet Aaron can, too. Poor little guy! He stood there staring down in that toilet, eyes huge, and speechless with fright.
From that point on, Aaron wanted nothing to do with any form of toilet or potty chair. He’d look at me as if to say, “Do you honestly think I’m going to sit on that monster?!” Couldn’t say that I blamed him. Potty training him took a very long time. The autism certainly didn’t help, but the monster suction toilet that ate his special GI Joe underwear was not a bright spot in our potty training journey.
Aaron’s lifelong fear of toilets is legendary in our family. We have some funny stories of how he’s behaved over the years in public toilets, trying to stretch his arm out to flush while running out of the stall as fast as he can. He does much, much better now but still has a hesitation around these contraptions. And like this morning, if it’s stopped up then I must fix it right away.
So I asked him this morning, “Aaron, do you want me to fix it right now?” He said yes, and I knew it couldn’t wait. I asked him, actually, if he would be OK if I worked on it later, and he got “that” look as he said no, that he wanted me to do it now. No need to question him further, or make him feel bad for being fearful of the stopped-up toilet.
And no need to expect him to help me or to be anywhere near the bathroom as I plunge and flush. He’s as far away as he can be, probably remembering his special GI Joe underwear and hearing that awful sound.
He and I do NOT miss German toilets!
For any of you who are interested……………..and I can’t imagine, seriously, why you would be………….Aaron is now in possession of the infamous Sharktopus movie.
It’s another of those “Have we done the right thing?” moments that Gary and I seem to have so many of with Aaron. Well, anyway, we did do it and what’s done is done.
Aaron is very happy and wants to share his happiness with others. Spread some high culture around, you know? And so he has invited some of the staff from Paradigm over on Saturday to watch Sharktopus with him. Krysten and Courtney actually bit…………..pun intended (sorry)…………..and therefore on Saturday at lunch there will be a showing of Sharktopus in our family room.
Gary and/or I will probably be drug into this showing, too………….another pun…………..this is how I survive, so please understand.
I will order pizza. Aaron thinks that pizza makes every gathering just perfect and has already been asking me how many LARGE pizzas I plan to order, and where I will order them from, and can we get three LARGE pizzas, and if we get three LARGE pizzas, and the three LARGE pizzas are from Papa Johns, then can he have all three of the garlic butters?
It’s gonna be one of those days. I’m not sure I’m up to handling both a food fest and a fish fest………at the same time. I’m thinking………….pizza sauce and Sharktopus…………..you know?
Krysten was texting earlier and asked if she could bring anything. Yes!
Barf bags.
Sometimes when Aaron gets up in the morning, he’ll immediately get on his computer and start playing a game. We’ve had mornings when he doesn’t want to get off the game, then, to get himself ready to go head out the door and meet his group. Some mornings have been pretty rough as he’s gotten very grouchy. And when Aaron gets very grouchy, he can really get VERY grouchy.
So Gary and I started unplugging his keyboard at night, removing it from his room, and putting it somewhere safe and unseen – only to be plugged back in after he was gone in the mornings. This kept him from that ever-present temptation to get “hooked on a game”, as he says, and possibly become VERY grouchy.
This plan has worked well – but for the past few days, Aaron has wanted us to try leaving it plugged in and give him the chance to show us that he can control himself. He’s actually done great with this arrangement for the past few days, either not getting on the computer at all or getting on for awhile but being willing to quit the game and get ready without becoming VERY grouchy. He has wanted to show us that we can trust him.
Today he had a harder time removing himself from his game, however. He didn’t become VERY grouchy or even a little grouchy, though, which was good. However, he got off the game rather late and had to really rush to get everything done. He was worried about my reaction and decided he needed to explain himself.
Mr. Precise Aaron said, “Mom, I got up early……..at 6:59!! What was I supposed to do? I HAD to get on the computer!”
No, Aaron – no one was holding a gun to your head, telling you that you HAD to get on the computer. And I don’t mind you playing for awhile but I want you to get off in time to get ready.
He was still worried about the situation. Then he asked, “So…….did I lose my trust?”
Ah, Aaron, you do have a way of expressing yourself. Did you lose your trust? Somehow phrasing this question that way gives me pause and makes me think. Aaron has “lost his trust” as we’ve struggled at times with him not telling us the truth, or cheating when we play Skip-Bo, or hiding money in his desk so he’ll have more to spend the next day. Just this week I found out that he had once again done the hiding trick with his money.
Strange…………..no matter the level of disability, the innate tendency of us humans is to sin. That’s what it is……….plain old sin from our plain old sin natures. So instead of correcting Aaron’s phrasing, I used it to try to tell him how the way he hid his money and then lied about what he bought while bowling did make him lose his trust. Maybe he’ll understand it better if I speak in his terms.
Mom and Dad are hurt, Aaron, when you lose your trust. But more important, so is God.
Aaron listens, hangs his head, and thumps downstairs to get Jackson a bone and grab his huge bag of Skittles to take to Paradigm. I wonder if he’s learned his lesson. In all reality………..probably not.
Sometimes I don’t, either. But once again, God continues to love……….and so do I.
Aaron was full of energy yesterday when he returned from his group. “Mom! Paradigm bought us pizza while we were at the bowling alley!”
That’s great, Aaron! Did you eat some? “Yeah, I ate some!”
So I guess you didn’t spend any money, then? “No, I spent my money on some chicken strips!”
You ate chicken strips AND pizza? He confirmed that he had. Wow!
Therefore, I assumed that he wasn’t hungry and so didn’t call him down for supper. He has a sense, though, about when Gary and I just sit down to eat…………because there he came, clomping down the stairs to join us. “Aaron, aren’t you stuffed from pizza AND chicken strips? I didn’t think you’d want to eat.”
But noooooo………….he wanted to sit with us……………not to eat so much as to talk. The eating was a sideline, but while he’s there he may as well, right?
So he grabbed a bowl for his salad and another bowl for his soup and several utensils because he can’t mix and match those. And several napkins………..one will never do.
He wanted to tell us about his day – other than pizza AND chicken strips at the bowling alley. He had news about his friend. “Hey, ______’s mom brought muffins to Paradigm today!”
Really? What kind of muffins were they? “I don’t know.”
Well, did you eat one? “No, but they had chocolate swirly stuff on top. And those sprinkle things.”
They must have been cupcakes with chocolate icing. “Yeah, that’s what they were!”
So was it _____’s birthday? “I don’t know.” Did they sing Happy Birthday? “I don’t know.”
This coming from the young man who can hear Gary and I having a conversation from two floors above, or who can spy a cigarette butt from across the Wal-Mart parking lot……………so he can run and try to pick it up, just to hear me tell him to stop!
Anyway, Aaron didn’t seem to know much about why there were cupcakes – or muffins – or whatever. But what he did find out and wanted to tell us was:
“________ said that she was born in the jungle!!”
Yes, Aaron. ________’s mother told me that she was born there.
“I bet she’s African!!!” (Check out my blog – Where is He From? – to better understand)
No, Aaron, ________ is not African. She’s from South America. Her mother went down and adopted her soon after she was born.
And then the question of the evening, as Aaron paused for thought. “So what is her species?”
Gary and I were speechless for a second, long enough for Aaron to answer his own question. “I bet she’s jungle people!!”
Oh good grief, Aaron! You’ve been reading too many science books or watching too many Sharktopus-type movies! ___________ is a human being!!!!!
And of course, he knows that. He gets his terms all mixed up but sometimes it sounds pretty awful, you know? He’s clueless as he goes on merrily talking about whether they swing on vines there in the jungle, etc. He thought that this jungle story was extremely fascinating and put his friend in a whole different light.
I just hope that whatever he says from this point on isn’t offensive, because he sure can be just that without even knowing it. Maybe today there will be two more food choices to occupy his mind instead of jungle stories!
The autumn day was beautiful. Sunshine abounded, warm temperatures cheered our spirits, birds were singing, and our home was full of activity as we prepared for Thanksgiving. Andrew was home from college and was busy helping Gary haul off our old dining room set and then do some work on the trucks. We were carrying in groceries that would be used in a couple days to prepare our Thanksgiving dinner, all the while dodging our big Great Dane who was happily moving from one to the other of us as he enjoyed all the excitement and bustle. It was the kind of day I love – a day of togetherness, of accomplishing tasks, of anticipation of having the family together for Thanksgiving.
Yet in the background were other noises – sounds that we couldn’t drown out, even in the midst of our joy and activity. There was the grinding sound of the chain saw, the shout of the tree cutter, and the unmistakable thud of a dead branch hitting the ground. When my eyes left the scene of happiness in our front yard and wandered to our side yard, I couldn’t ignore the scene that was being played out there. It was a scene of death; of destruction; of ending. This was the second visit that our tree cutters had made to our home to take away not one, but now two of our beautiful pine trees that had succumbed to the deadly nematodes of Pine Wilt disease. The first dead tree further down on our property had been cut down and carted off several days earlier. This second tree that was being cut on this gorgeous day was right outside our back door, just off the patio area. Our large, perfectly shaped pine tree had been destroyed by the unseen, hidden little nematodes that had eaten away at the very heart and life of the tree.
The two young men worked diligently at their task. Starting at the top of the tree, Jordan used his chain saw to cut each section and branch down. His co-worker on the ground would then carefully stack these portions onto the truck to be carried away. Then they would return to repeat the process until finally the entire tree was disposed of and hauled away. I walked outside at one point while they were gone and just observed the sad display of this once magnificent tree. There it was, stark against the pretty blue sky – a dark, bare, useless trunk. What a picture of loss! This once productive tree was now only a memory of its former glory and usefulness. Those horrible little nematodes had, unknowingly to us, been eating away at our beautiful tree and had finally accomplished their purpose. Our tree was fit for only one thing – to be cut down and taken away, never to be of any use again.
How interesting that this once sturdy tree had stood strong against the outward, visible attacks that had come against it during the many years of its life. Fierce winds had whipped its branches; tornadoes had come way too close; snow had piled on its limbs; thick ice had caused some of its branches to snap; drought had tried to deplete it – yet still it stood, proud and strong. What felled our tree was the tiny, unseen nematodes that were working inside its massive trunk and extending into its many branches. These intruders methodically destroyed the inner life of our stately tree until finally we could see the outward evidence of inward death, and had no recourse but to demolish our tree and have it carried away.
We all face many storms in our lives that bombard us with stress and grief. At times it’s overwhelming, but I know that for me these fierce storms have driven me to my knees and the Word for guidance and comfort. I have grown even in the pain of these trials. However, what causes me the most damage, it seems, are the hidden sins or hurts that lodge in my heart. No one can even see them or be aware of the damage that they are causing in my spirit. It’s easy for me to hide my attitudes or my pain from those around me, at least for a period of time. Eventually, though, the destruction that my inner destoyers have caused will begin to show outwardly. It becomes more evident, not only to me but to those around me, that I am not the person I used to be. My effectiveness for Christ suffers as I allow my inner attitudes to take away my joy, my peace, my testimony, my service.
Perhaps you have allowed some of the sinful nematodes of life to take residence in your heart. You have not been like the Psalmist who declared: “He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.” (Psalm 1:3) You have allowed inner hurts to take root and prosper instead; or perhaps pride; maybe bitterness over situations that you cannot control; lost ministries that you miss; children who embarrass or disappoint…………..the nematode possibilities are endless, but all are devastating. They burrow inside and take away your very life until you are a former shell of what you used to be. Oh, may we instead be like Paul, who said, “…….but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14). Oh God, purge our hearts from the sin that so easily takes control, and strengthen us to reach forward and press on toward the goal that You have for us!
Aaron and I were on our way this morning to meet Cody, Aaron’s Paradigm staff, and of course the Sharktopus movie came up – again! I told Aaron that I really didn’t like the fact that the girls on the beach in the movie were wearing bikinis. And then he informed me, “Mom, I don’t like it when YOU think!”
Well! And then he went on to explain that he didn’t like me to think of all these things that bothered me about some of his movie choices. I realize that what bothers me doesn’t often bother him – but I am still MOM! Right?
We pulled up beside Cody’s truck. Cody has learned to go ahead and roll down his window because Aaron is going to stand there and talk for a minute – or longer – before he gets in the vehicle. Aaron jumped out of our van and exclaimed (loudly), “Hey Cody! Mom doesn’t know if she wants me to get Sharktopus because the girls are wearing BOO-KINIS!!”
Yes, I spelled it correctly – at least correct according to Aaron. Aaron has always pronounced the word “bikini” as “boo-kini.” I used to correct him in this pronunciation goof, but now I just let it go. To him it would still come out as “boo-kini.”
And really, when I see some of the women who are wearing bikinis…………..well, they’re pretty scary. BOO! That would be me, actually, if I were to wear a “boo-kini.”
Enough of that. Cody was cracking up at the “boo-kini” comment……….and so was I. Aaron noticed our laughter and was delighted that he had said something funny – although he wasn’t quite sure what it was that brought such laughter. So he turned to me and said, “Right, Mom? You don’t know about those girls wearing BOO-KINIS!”
Which brought even more laughter, which resulted in Aaron bending at the waist and rubbing his hands together with great joy as he joined in the laughter. Whatever he had said that caused our hilarity, he was loving it! Seeing Mom laugh after our morning the day before was wonderful indeed!
It did feel good to laugh loudly……………even if it was at the thought of young teenage girls wearing BOO-KINIS!!
If I’m going to write about Aaron, I know that I should be honest in presenting him as he really is while still preserving his dignity. In the O.A.S.I.S. guidelines that I referenced yesterday, under the section titled Emotional Vulnerability, it states: “Rage reactions/temper outbursts are common in response to stress/frustration.” This aspect of Asperger’s is one that we have seen all too often in our household. Aaron handles his frustrations so much better now than he did when he was younger, but he still sometimes has issues in this area. Such was the case this morning.
Yesterday when Aaron came home from his group, he immediately started asking me if I had called CD Tradepost and found Sharktopus yet. He was disappointed when I told him that I had not done that, so he pulled out the kitchen drawer, took out the Post-It notes and a pen, and this is what I found on the counter later.
I’m sure he thought that I must need a reminder and he was all too happy to provide it. During the evening last night, he talked about the movie some and then this morning he flew to the computer downstairs to start looking it up again online. I knew what kind of morning it would be when I later reminded him that it was time for him to shower and get ready for Paradigm. He answered angrily that he didn’t want to get ready and furthermore, didn’t want to go to Paradigm.
Oh boy! Instead of just being able to talk to me about his stress over this movie, he reacts by being angry at the “thing” in his life at that moment – which in this case was his group, because getting ready for his group was taking him away from the computer, away from looking at Sharktopus trailers, etc. Then he transferred that anger to me. I became the mother who doesn’t care, who doesn’t listen, who likes Andrea and Andrew’s movies more than his, who wasn’t trying to find the movie, and on and on.
When Aaron gets wound up like this, it’s best to just pull back as much as possible from any form of verbal confrontation. I knew the more I talked, the angrier he would become. The few comments I made were enough to make him even angrier, so I just got quiet and let him rant. Even our sweet old Great Dane, Jackson, came slinking into the bathroom with me as I finished getting ready. He doesn’t like it when Aaron gets angry.
It’s a good thing that our neighborhood lake doesn’t have a Sharktopus. If it had then I would have been very tempted to take Aaron down for a walk by the lake, if you know what I mean. Just teasing………………kind of. Really, after all these years I’ve finally figured out (for the most part) how to deal with these infrequent outbursts. The quieter I become, then the more concerned Aaron becomes. He begins to realize that Mom is either mad herself………or hurt.
Aaron doesn’t show much sorrow or empathy, but I can read him well and I know when he’s nervous because he realizes he’s stepped over the line. My silence seems to touch him more than anything. He’ll soften and then begin to say things like, “OK, I’ll go to Paradigm!” He gets ready, and then returns to talk some more to me…………….and once again, my silence or my short answers tell him that he has crossed a line that is not easily forgotten.
He called me this afternoon while he was with his group. He acted as if nothing at all had happened this morning, which is very typical. He was happy and bubbly and glad he went to Paradigm and had a good time at the “East Mall” and Krysten got them all candy and he had so much fun.
When he gets home, any minute now, I’m sure he’ll ask about the movie and talk more about his day, all the while gauging my reactions to see how I’m feeling now compared to this morning. He might even say he’s sorry – he’s actually gotten better about saying those words that come with such difficulty to all of us, and especially to Aaron. It’s at this time that I can talk to Aaron about his behavior and know that he’s listening.
But I know that Aaron will some day have another period of frustration that will lead to another outburst. No amount of reason will reach him at that point. Yet deep in his heart he knows, from experience, that I love him and that Gary loves him. He knows that he is always welcome home, even if there are repercussions because of his behavior. He has a secure home full of unconditional love. Just like God loves me – that’s how I love Aaron.
He still should be thankful that there is not a Sharktopus in our lake.
He Said What?! 