Much To Them

Some time ago I was fixing Rice Krispie Treats.  Aaron stood and watched for a minute, and then asked if he could eat some marshmallows.  Since I have never been a big fan of eating marshmallows that aren’t in Rice Krispie treats or in my holiday fruit salad, I told him that I wasn’t sure if he would like them, either.  He wondered why.

“Well, they’re mostly puffed sugar,” I told him. “There isn’t much to them.”

“There’s much to them to me!” he answered in no uncertain terms.  

Aaron didn’t realize it, but he had perfectly described how he runs his life.  What would probably seem superfluous to us is not viewed that way at all by Aaron.  Let me give some examples of what is important to Aaron in his autistic world.  Not just important, but absolutely necessary.

Aaron set the table one Christmas.  Look at his multiple forks and spoons.  At least he arranged them neatly.  He always requires several forks, spoons, and sometimes knives, no matter what he is eating.  There’s much to them to Aaron!

There is also much to the number of plates and bowls Aaron wants when he eats.  I’m so thankful for my dishwasher!

When Aaron “goes to bed” at night he reads, listens to music, works on his sticker book, and sometimes plays a game.  He starts this routine early.  A big element of his bedtime is to arrange special items on his bed in just the perfect spots and order.  This includes a stack of greeting cards that he has saved over the years, a cat book that he isn’t reading but that he must have on his bed, his back scratcher, and various items.  I just shake my head but there is much to them to Aaron!

Aaron was eating a bag of popcorn the other day.  Look at the bag and you will understand why Aaron kept telling us, “I love ridiculously cheesy popcorn!”  Or “Tomorrow I want to buy more of that ridiculously cheesy popcorn.”  And “I seem to like this ridiculously cheesy popcorn.”  What seemed ridiculous to us meant much to Aaron.  What’s printed on the bag is part of the name, people!  We just smiled.

Yet there are times when the things that mean much to Aaron can cause great frustration and anger when they don’t work out as he expects.  One of the biggest issues for him is when his schedule is disrupted.  Whatever…or whoever…causes the disruption is often the object of Aaron’s deep frustration.  His tongue can be hurtful, and his anger can be deep when things don’t go his way.  We work on that all the time and praise him when he handles change well, like he did at Christmas.

It’s easy to get very frustrated with Aaron when he won’t budge out of his routine…won’t quit talking about the same topic of interest over and over and over…runs out to our neighbors when they’re taking a walk so he can talk to THEM about said topic…won’t wait patiently for hardly anything…and so many other issues.

Autism is so complex, and everyone is different.  Yet every single autistic person has those tightly held focuses that are “much to them,” and they are not going to let go of those things.  

It’s best to try to understand that fact and then work with them with as much love and understanding as you can muster.  

I know from many years of experience with Aaron that it isn’t always easy, but it’s always best to attempt to approach issues from his viewpoint to better understand why on earth he’s reacting the way he is.  

And always, eventually…when the dust settles…to show him by my words and actions that he matters.

To show him that his unique ways are worth my time…that “there’s much to them to me.”

And therefore, Aaron, “there’s much to YOU to me!”

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Author: Patty hesaidwhatks

I'm Patty and I write about our adult son who has Epilepsy and Autism, who still lives with my husband and me, and who is a package full of many surprises and joys and challenges and TALK! Lots of talking, which creates laughter and some other reactions as well. I also write about how God shows Himself to me in everyday life.

22 thoughts on “Much To Them”

  2. Aaron’s peculiarities and habits make him endearing-like a child with a security blanket. I can see where it would be challenging if his routines were disrupted. Your picture examples were great. God bless you, Patty! 🙂

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    1. I love what you said about the security blanket. That’s so true! And if that security blanket is ripped away, he is angry – but really I think he’s afraid of what he’ll do without the security of his routines and his certain ways. It just shows up as anger. Thanks for this insight, Nancy, and God bless you too!

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    1. I’m thinking about your question, Pete. As you know, each person is such a unique individual that it’s hard to say. Slow and gradual change has sometimes worked for Aaron. Then in other ways he stresses about the changes as he anticipates it over time, if that makes sense. A good example of gradual change concerns our car. We had a 2005 van that lasted and lasted. Aaron and I both loved it. He especially loved having a CD player in it, holding his CD’s and looking at each song number on the back, etc. The van was aging this past year and we kept telling him that we would be needing to get a new car before long. When that time came last October, he did so much better than we thought he would. It took him awhile to adjust to the new way of listening to his music but he’s also enjoying the cool new screen that he’s learned all too well how to use. I do think the months of preparation helped prepare him adjust better to the change. Each situation is different and has to be approached in sometimes creative ways that suit each person the best. Does this help answer your question?

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      1. Oh thank you for taking the time to answer our concern. Asnyou say they are each unique. Christian juat fimished with heart surgery to correct a congenital condition and has other physical issues. But those melt downs are the same and the hardest to accept. We appreciate your willingness to share.

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      2. I’m so sorry about Christian’s health issues and heart surgery. Poor guy. I know how those physical concerns pull at your hearts. And also how the behavior issues pull at your patience. If I can help in any way I’ll certainly try. Contact me any time. Blessings to your family!

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    1. And this morning we had a falling out. Sigh. We’re fine now and had a good rest of the day, but oh the ups and downs! I understand so much in my head but sometimes my patience wears thin. Thank you for being such an encouragement to me, Nancy.

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  7. I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: Aaron is blessed to have a mom like you. You understand his issues and do your best to meet his needs, and he always knows you love him. I’m sure it is frustrating at times, and also rewarding at times, but you keep on trying. And you generously share your perspective with the rest of us, giving us an insight into how living with a beloved autistic son or daughter actually works. Your lessons in love, honestly and tolerance are a gift to everyone! Blessings on both you and Aaron!

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  10. There’s much about this post to love! Most of us can gain a lot if we (too) would take the time to notice and appreciate the simple little things in life..because truly there’s much to them that can be counted as blessing!!

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