Month: January 2024

Up and Down With Uncle Aaron

Many of you have been wondering how Uncle Aaron is faring with his little nephew, Ryker.  Well, since a picture is worth a thousand words, let me share our family Christmas picture that our sweet neighbor was kind enough to take for us in the middle of some cold temperatures.

You can clearly see the struggle on Aaron’s face.  And also the love that his sister, Andrea, has for him as she helped him tolerate standing there long enough for some pictures by holding his hand.

It wasn’t just the cold that was bothering Aaron.  Not even the promise of eating dinner out right after this was enough to make Aaron smile.

Reality was setting in for Aaron.  Andrea worded it perfectly last night as we talked after Aaron had left the room.

“Ryker has infiltrated Aaron’s life,” she wisely said.  

I can illustrate Aaron’s way of viewing his life by what happened as he and I were getting his blankets on his bed a couple nights ago.  He got two new blankets for Christmas.  Since it’s been so cold, he wants to put both new blankets on his bed along with the three he already uses…for a grand total of five blankets!

I have written before about the order of his covers.  Nothing has changed.  He has decided that on top of his already well-ordered blankets, he wants the Christmas blanket first and the grey blanket on top.  I made the dastardly mistake of reversing that order.  I went ahead with things, wondering if Aaron would mind.  He did.

“Mom, I want the Christmas blanket first!” he said.

“It doesn’t really matter, Aaron,” I naively answered.

“But I want them the way I like them!” he declared.

He was already removing the offending grey blanket as he spoke.  Knowing better than to fight his need for this certain order, I complied while keeping silent.  

Pick your battles, right?

Aaron’s initial reaction to Ryker was precious.  He gave Ryker his special bear, as I wrote about earlier.

Within three days, Aaron had taken back the bear.

Up and down.

After friends graciously took him out to dinner on our Christmas Eve, and then he survived our Christmas day, he was much improved.  After some encouragement from me, he gave the bear back to Ryker.

But the realities of autism rule Aaron’s mind and his relationships. 

Again, look at another picture.  This is Aaron’s place at our dinner table one recent night.  He set the table, and his setting is exactly as he wants…and needs…it to be.  Fighting it is useless and unproductive.

Watching Aaron in every area of his life is exactly as described years ago by M.P. Everard:  “…one is instantly aware of how different they are and the enormous effort they have to make to live in a world where no concessions are made and where they are expected to conform.”

The reality of a baby in our lives, even his precious nephew, is not precious to Aaron.  He sees the laughter and the joy that Ryker brings.  Aaron is not the center of attention.  His egocentric tendencies rebel against this fact.

Conforming to our desire for Aaron to love and accept Ryker is a huge mountain for Aaron to climb.  

When Ryker is with us during a meal, Aaron literally spends the entire time talking about things like the core of the earth, whatever video he is watching, aliens, etc., etc.

Andrea is so good to try to focus on Aaron, but we all know that Aaron also needs to understand and to share that focus with Ryker.

Ryker, the offending nephew.  

The infiltration of the nephew is not acceptable to Aaron.  

“I want life the way I like it!!” Aaron is inwardly…and sometimes outwardly…saying.  

I wish he was only referring to blankets and silverware.  But Aaron is also wanting his immediate family to focus on him when we are all together.  Ryker is not cooperating with that demand from Aaron just by nature of being a baby.

Today I spent lots of much needed time with Aaron.  We went to Wal-Mart, picked up Taco Bell for lunch, watched two episodes of All Creatures Great and Small, and played Yahtzee.  

While shopping, Aaron picked out a cute little yellow stuffed bee that he wants to give Ryker.  I talked to him about how the best thing he can give Ryker is his love and kindness.  I believe, from Aaron’s responses, that he really does want to do that, but his desires are overtaken by how his brain is wired.  He reacts spontaneously to his environment, no matter who he offends.  

So, we keep plugging away as we try to understand with patience the huge task in front of Aaron.  And trust me, sometimes our patience wears very thin.

Our prayer is that Aaron will learn to love sharing his love with Ryker as much as he loves sharing stuffed animals.   

Through the ups and downs of this new journey, I do not want to forget all the goodness of God that He has shown us.  The answers to our prayers have been amazing.  

May I not lose sight of the fact that even when I feel like Aaron’s heart is out of our reach, his heart is never out of God’s reach.  

Thank you to each of you who are caring and are praying.   

Uncle Aaron, The Nephew, and The Bear

Our crowd from Texas all arrived safely in three different stages on Monday night.  What a relief to have them all here at last!

Except relief is not the word that Aaron would use to describe his feelings about this situation.  

His word choice would have been “dread.”  Dread mixed in with a little anger.

But Aaron reacts this way to any situation that threatens to up-end his ordered, predictable world.

Even on the day the family was to arrive, Aaron was still letting us know that he did not want to be Uncle Aaron and he did not want to have a nephew. 

He was asleep when the last travelers arrived at 10:30, with Ryker (the nephew) in tow.  Poor little Ryker was tired of traveling and scared of all the sudden new surroundings until he was able to finally stretch his legs and do some exploring.  Then there was no stopping him!

Ryker was awake early the next morning, and so was Aaron.  Aaron walked in the room where Ryker was staying.  Andrea had just changed his diaper.  I saw Aaron’s eyes dart to Ryker but then quickly look away.

“There’s Ryker, Aaron,” I softly said.

But Aaron was very nervous, and I knew not to push.  Aaron focused solely on Andrea.  He began talking about and showing her the box for his new Batman game.  He was in his comfort zone, and it was best to leave him there.

Andrea and I went downstairs with Ryker, where Aaron soon followed, still focusing only on Andrea as he talked about games and movies…anything but “The Nephew.”  Ryker just looked at Aaron, certainly intrigued, but Aaron still refused to acknowledge his presence.

After some time, Aaron thumped back up two flights of stairs to his bedroom.  Soon we heard him coming down again.  I thought that Aaron would have a new game box to show Andrea.  

But no.  Instead, he was carrying a stuffed bear.

This wasn’t just any stuffed bear.  34 years ago, while we lived in Germany, our third child was born…Andrew.  Aaron was five years old, and he did not welcome his tiny little brother into the world.  Instead, he was uncomfortable around baby Andrew and kept his sullen distance when they visited us in the hospital.  We attributed it to normal adjustments that many children have with a new sibling.  

When we brought Andrew home from the hospital, we were concerned about how Aaron would react to his brother actually living with us.  As soon as we walked inside, Aaron looked at us and then ran back to his room.  Soon he returned carrying his favorite stuffed bear, given to him when he was born. 

“Here,” he said as he held his bear out to us.  “Andrew can have this.”

That was his way of accepting his new brother.  And for the rest of his years at home, that bear was Andrew’s bear. 

Andrew grew up and moved away.  The bear was in his closet.  One day, Aaron saw the bear and asked if he could have it.  Andrew, of course, said yes.  So, for all these years that special bear has been Aaron’s bear again.

Over this past year we have watched 39-year-old Uncle Aaron exhibit the same unaccepting behavior toward his new baby nephew as he had shown toward his new brother.  

But then…

Aaron held the bear out toward Ryker.

“Here,” he said to Andrea, “Ryker can have this.”

I was blown away as my mind wrapped around the significance of this moment.

I was taken back all those years ago to our military quarters in Germany, little Aaron handing his favorite bear to Andrew.  And now handing that very significant bear to The Nephew.  To Ryker.

I could never have orchestrated a sweeter, more meaningful way for Aaron to show his acceptance of Ryker.

Oh, thank you Lord!  

And thanks to all of you have prayed over this past year for Aaron to accept and love Ryker.  All of you have a part in the miracle we have seen over the past three days.  

Aaron has been sharing food and toys and stuffed animals with his nephew. 

But nothing he shares can surpass that first thing he shared…the little brown stuffed bear with such a story to tell of love and acceptance.