Category: Adult Autism

I Was Creeped!

The time change certainly caught up with Aaron today.  He was sound asleep when I finally went in his room to wake him up this morning.  Pillow marks were all over one side of his face, and he was struggling to open his eyes.  I think a lot of people could relate to Aaron on this Monday morning of Daylight Savings Time.  I was surprised that he wasn’t irritated with me for telling him that it was time to get up and get ready for his day.  But when I returned to his room a couple times, and found him still sleeping, his mood began to change…….and not for the better.   He informed me in no uncertain terms that he was tired, that he did not want to get out of bed, and that he most definitely did NOT want to hurry!

I went into de-escalation mode before he fully escalated.  That means that I didn’t harp on him to rush, rush, rush…….but I did tell him that I had poured his coffee and I asked him if some cinnamon toast sounded good.  Sometimes these incentives work far, far better than to nag or to display anger.  I could hear even in Aaron’s voice that such was the case today.  He was relieved and all too happy to say yes to the coffee and the toast.  But he still refused to come anywhere near the concept of “hurry.”  I left him at the table while I took Jackson, who doesn’t need to eat the cinnamon toast that I knew Aaron would feed him, up to my room with me while I finished getting ready.  It wasn’t long before Aaron had eaten his breakfast and came to my room to talk to me………and to ask if we could stop at Dillon’s on our way to meet his group.

Now I knew that the reason Aaron wanted to stop at Dillon’s would involve food, and more specifically, I imagined it involved candy.  He has been without candy for days, and now that we know he is not Diabetic, I was fully expecting this request to come at any time.  I told him that I wasn’t sure if we had time to stop at Dillon’s, especially since he didn’t want to hurry……..when suddenly the idea of hurrying became very appealing to Aaron.  It wasn’t long at all before Aaron was almost ready to leave.  He finished putting his shoes on in my room as he confirmed once again that we were going to Dillon’s, and I confirmed to him that we were not going to go overboard on buying candy.  Of course he agreed, and soon we were in the van.

Aaron shivered on this cold yet sunny morning as he buckled his seat belt.  He commented on how cold it was and I agreed.  He continued, “Mom, when will it quit being cold?”  I told him that it would be warm later in the week.  “When?” he asked.  And I repeated that later in the week it would warm up. 

“Mom, quit saying week!” he declared.  “What DAY is it going to get warm?!”

How could I be so silly?  Of course, literal and specific Aaron wanted to know the exact day that it would get warm.  None of this nebulous “week” business would fully answer his question.  I picked a day and told him and he was satisfied.  How could I forget his simple rules for living?  Pick a day and be done with it!

Soon Aaron was in candy heaven at Dillon’s.  He and I scanned the shelves for his favorite Starburst Jelly Beans, but they were not to be found.  Then I remembered that they were probably on the Easter aisle.  Aaron was disappointed at this point, and was skeptical that his jelly beans would be on the Easter aisle instead of the regular candy aisle where they always are………but there they were!  Stacks of Starburst Jelly Beans were right there amongst all the other Easter candy.  He agreed that one bag was plenty, and soon we both left Dillon’s, happy with our find and with each other.

As we drove to meet Cody, Aaron commented that the rash under his arms was better.  I had looked at it earlier and was also very glad to see that it was healing.  The blisters have dried up and disappeared, leaving dead skin in their place.  This has not gone unnoticed by Aaron, of course.  “Mom!  My skin is coming off!  I was creeped!!”

I assured him that this was natural and normal anytime that a blister was healing.  He was happy to hear this news, but continued, “When I looked at my skin, it creeped me off!!” 

Well, don’t be creeped off, Aaron.  You’re healing and you’re going to be just fine.

But he moved quickly on from being creeped off to being quite excited as he informed me of his progress.   “Mom!  I can lift my underarm now!!”

Wow, Aaron!  You can lift your underarm now?  That’s……….amazing!

We were now at the Paradigm van and Aaron, as always, rolled down his window while Cody rolled his down.  And as always, Aaron didn’t say hello or how are you or anything else personal.  It was, “Hey, Cody!  My skin under my arm is coming off!”

Yes, yes, Aaron………the whole world wants to hear that the skin under your arm is coming off.  Cody laughed because he gets Aaron, and I laughed because I get Aaron………and I’m happy that Cody gets Aaron and so does the other staff at Paradigm.  Aaron held on tightly to his bag of candy as he got out of the van, and I wondered if he would share it or keep it all for himself.

Despite the juggling act of keeping Aaron level and happy, I’m thankful for this morning that we got to share together.  Simple, yet complex, this mind of our autistic Aaron.  As colorful as the jelly beans that he clutched so tightly. 

Aaron does color our world with his unique personality and expressions.  Life might be quieter and simpler without Aaron………..but it would also be dull and bland. 

I love all the colors of Aaron!  And I’m so happy that he can now lift his underarm!

The Scare

This has been a fairly stressful week in several ways.  You may have read my last blog about Aaron’s hilarious doctor visit.  It was hilarious because of Aaron’s actions and because of his responses to the questions that he was asked.  However, it was not hilarious in the sense that he had us worried for awhile………and our concern still isn’t completely gone.  Aaron has some symptoms that have troubled us for awhile.  Then he developed a rash under his arms.  This is why I took him to the doctor on Monday, but I also discussed his other issues with the PA and the doctor.  They decided to check him for Diabetes.  I was shocked and alarmed.  I hadn’t put two and two together, but this diagnosis did indeed seem like a real possibility.

After my early surgeon appointment on Tuesday morning, I rushed home to get Aaron and take him down to the lab at the air base.  He was to have some fasting blood work done.  Aaron had cooperated very well with not eating, which isn’t always easy for him.  He does love his food!  As we drove away from the house, Aaron had settled himself in the passenger seat, buckled his seat belt, and then asked about putting in a CD.  “Do you have that cowboy lady and that man?” he asked.  It’s amusing, or maybe alarming, that I know exactly what he’s talking about.  We put in the correct CD with the cowboy lady (now THAT should be alarming!!) and Aaron proceeded to begin his talking.  First thing was food – “Mom, when I went to Applebees on Saturday I had raspberry tea!”  I asked him if he liked it and he said, “Yes!  It tasted weird!”  Only Aaron would say that he liked something that tasted weird, and only Aaron would look at me like I was weird when I laughed.

Aaron continued his usual monologue as we drove to the air base, finally ending as we pulled into the parking lot with, “Mom, I saw a state trooper one day.  So state troopers control the whole state?”  I briefly tried to explain, but was happy to tell Aaron that we would talk about it later………because we always do………..and that it was time to go in to the lab.  Aaron was seen right away, and as he sat in the chair, he proceeded to say something to the lab tech about not hurting his arm.  He was referring to the rash under his arm, but she thought he meant something about his veins.  Seeing her confusion, Aaron decided to take his shirt off, which he loves to do in order to show off his rash.  I stepped in to tell Aaron to leave his shirt on, and by now the tech was very concerned.  I briefly explained while she decided to look at Aaron’s other arm, which made him want to show her the rash under THAT arm…………good grief!  He was going to take his shirt off AGAIN when I firmly told him to leave the shirt ON!!  I reminded Aaron that he knows the blood work routine and to leave his shirt alone and to let them draw blood………but as I left the small room, another tech stood off to Aaron’s other side……….either to intervene if something else crazy happened or to yank Aaron’s shirt down if he started to disrobe again.  Dear Aaron.  He is so oblivious to the confusion that he often leaves in his wake.  He just happily sits there and wonders why no one wants to see his rash!

Aaron’s PA had told me the day before that the results of this blood work should be ready by Tuesday afternoon.  I waited for her phone call that day, but it never came.  I waited all day Wednesday, but still no call.  On Thursday, I called and left a message with her office, asking her to please call with the results………and still no call all that day.  By then, I was fighting several emotions……….worry and anger being most pronounced.  I was angry that we weren’t being informed quickly of Aaron’s results.  And this delay only gave my worry more time to build.  I prayed often during the day and I reminded myself of the principles I know about NOT worrying……….but when it comes to Aaron’s health and the possibility of a new diagnosis, that gnawing worm of worry was trying to eat its way into my heart.  Worry and anger……….and in the midst of all this, I was having several imaginary conversations with the PA concerning their total lack of caring!  Certainly none of this was helping, so I transferred my conversations to the Lord and asked for His peace and for good test results……….and talked to friends and family about this need and our desires for their prayers as well. 

Another emotion I was dealing with was guilt.  If Aaron had Diabetes, surely I was largely to blame.  I didn’t control his eating like I should, though I tried………but not hard enough.  Why hadn’t I read the signs?  Why did I let him eat candy?  How could I have been so blind?  And then there was blame.  Why didn’t the PA last year tell me that Aaron’s blood sugars were up………although that blood test was not a fasting test.  Still, why wasn’t it mentioned?  Why did his autism doctor ignore my concerns about his weight loss and vision issues?  Yes, I felt that there was plenty of blame to go around. 

And how on earth would we control Aaron’s eating when he wasn’t at home?  Bless him, he does love his food!  I thought of the day last week when he burst in the door after his day with Paradigm and I heard him yell, “Hey!  I came home now!”  I laughed as he tromped downstairs to tell me all about his day.  “Mom!  We went to Popeyes!!”  I asked him what he had and he answered, “That number 8 meal!  You know what that is?” 

It always makes me laugh when he thinks that I should know the content of the meal numbers at all the fast food restaurants.  I assured him that I did not know what a Popeyes number 8 meal was, and he was all too happy to tell me.  “It has LOTS of those little chicken nuggets!”  Oh yes, those wonderful little chicken nuggets!  He continued, “It cost seven something…….the staff helped me.”  I asked Aaron why the staff helped him with the extra money, and he said, “Because that restaurant came up with tax!”

Oh my, that pesky tax that restaurants come up with!  He went on with telling me that Popeyes is going to start selling seafood, but that this doesn’t make sense because Popeyes is a CHICKEN restaurant and CHICKEN restaurants do NOT sell seafood and why are they going to sell seafood in a CHICKEN restaurant…………

Aaron and food……..what would we do with Diabetes thrown into the mix?  I know that many people with special needs handle this issue and that we would, too, if necessary.  And so I waited for that phone call, which finally came yesterday, on Friday morning.  The nurse told me that Aaron’s blood work was very good and that he does NOT have Diabetes.  Such a relief!  I texted everyone to tell them the good news, and I thanked God for this answer to prayer……..all the while being reminded that even if Aaron did have Diabetes, I would need to see that as an answer to prayer as well.  God’s answers do not always mean that He will agree totally with our request.  If Aaron had Diabetes, then God would have had a reason for that.  I would have had no right to say that God didn’t answer my prayers.  He always answers and His answers are always right and beneficial.  This is God’s sovereignty in full display, these “no” answers as well as the “yes” answers.

I couldn’t wait to tell Aaron this good news as I walked into his room.  “Aaron!  Guess what?  You don’t have Diabetes!” 

And his response on this movie Friday at Paradigm?  “CAN I HAVE A LARGE BUTTERED POPCORN??!!”

Oh, Aaron.  See what I mean?  No sign of relief from Aaron as you might expect.  No thankfulness or elation.  Just concern about his next food splurge. 

Sometimes I wish my life was so simple that my main concern was about whether I could have a large buttered popcorn on that day.  Yet I know that God wants me to place my concerns on Him and have that simple faith that says He always hears and He always knows best, no matter the outcome.  Buttered popcorn or not!

Depressed? Feeling Sad?

 

Yesterday I drove Aaron to McConnell Air Force Base for a doctor visit.  He loves this time together.  We listen to music and there is much for Aaron to see and to talk about with mom…….who can’t go anywhere else but in the driver’s seat right beside him as he talks and talks and talks.  He talked about road construction and house remodeling that we passed; he talked about trucks that we passed; he talked about the purpose of U-Hauls; he talked about RVs and what they are and what they’re for and what they look like inside and do they have a bathroom and can we get one to take on our next trip back east; he talked about storage buildings and what people do with them and he remembered our storage building in Arizona; he talked about the guards at the gate going on to the air base and why they have to check our ID cards; he talked about all the planes that we passed at the airfield and why are they here and what kind of fuel do they use; and he even talked about the beer bottle he saw on the ground beside us at a stop light!  My ears were very weary by the time we opened the van doors and walked into the clinic.
 
I had already told Aaron in the van, after he made his famous farting noise with his mouth, that I did not want him making ANY noises when we got  in the clinic.  “OK,” he said……..and then made his other famous “POP” noise with his mouth.  “And not that noise, either!” I added.  And as always, he questioned, “Isn’t that better than the farting noise?”………and I reminded him that I said NO noises – farting, popping, or otherwise.
Check-in went smoothly and I was thankful that our name was called quickly.  After his weigh-in, we were ushered into the exam room by the little medic who looked like she might have been all of 12 years old.  She was sizing Aaron up, I could tell.  Aaron sat on the exam table and promptly began to take his shirt off and to tell her about the rash under his arm.  Our little medic was looking a little shocked, and I was telling Aaron to just keep his shirt on………but he was having none of that.  He was ready to get down to business, much like he does when he plows into Great Clips to see if he can get his hair cut, with me walking behind him as he practically yells out, “Can I get my hair cut!!??” 
So now his shirt was off and the little medic was a little flustered, but Aaron was already well into his story of the rash under his arm……….as he held his arm up high for our little medic to observe.  And she certainly could, since she was seated conveniently on the rash side.  I finally got Aaron to hush while our little medic collected herself and began to fill out the required paperwork.  She was struggling somewhat with whether to ask me the questions, or direct them to Aaron.  Finally, she got beyond the queries about phone numbers and the meds that Aaron takes.  She looked at me and began saying, “How would you rate…..” and then she finished the question by looking at Aaron……”your pain level?”
 
Aaron was absolutely delighted to have a question aimed at himself.  He had been chomping at the bit, waiting for this very opportunity…….and before I could even part my lips, he had launched into his answer.  “Well!!” he bellowed, “it hurts when I use soap on it!!”  Our little medic grinned and was trying to decide how to put this answer on her chart……and I’m quite sure that Aaron was hoping that she would tell him that he no longer needed to put soap under his arm, as taking a shower and actually using soap is not one of Aaron’s favorite priorities in life.
 
She glanced at the next question and then turned to Aaron……..not to me……..and asked the mental health question that is always asked at these military medical visits.  “Are you depressed or do you feel sad?” she asked Aaron, as he sat there grinning and wide-eyed at this attention.  Even I wanted to hear this answer, so I sat back in my chair and relaxed as Aaron pondered this unusual question.  But of course he had an answer!  “Well,” he said, “I’m tired of all this!!”  I had to laugh, for my own mental health, and our little medic was even beginning to enjoy this.  I have no earthly idea what she wrote on his chart, but now she was ready to ask the last question.
 
She turned again to look at Aaron as she asked, “So how would you describe your overall health?”  He didn’t even skip a beat as he answered, “Well, sometimes I have to blow my nose!”  I was seriously thinking that I would have to leave the room as I was about to explode with laughter.  I do believe that our little medic was wishing that she had more questions to ask.  She was relaxed and totally enjoying Aaron’s answers, especially as he expounded on the nose blowing comment by explaining that he doesn’t really blow his nose, but he wipes it on a towel that he keeps for that purpose and Mom doesn’t want him to do that………..right, Mom?……….but that it’s a towel he uses in his room, and on and on and on.  But it was time for our little medic to leave, and soon the PA and the doctor came…….which gave Aaron more opportunity to talk and to be listened to and to answer more questions, as I watched the PA and the doctor smile (they know Aaron) and try to follow his rabbit trails.
 
And all the while, as we waited for people to come and go from the exam room, Aaron had his eyes on the automatic paper towel dispenser by the sink.  He had talked to me about it and how much he liked those and did I know how they worked……….and I told him NOT to get off that table and go over there to get a paper towel that he did NOT need.  Soon it was time to go and Aaron was putting his shirt on.  I was intent upon looking at the PA and talking to her, when I heard a sound…………brrrrrrrrrrr. 
 
Yes, of course it was the towel dispenser.  Aaron made a beeline for it and was very happily holding the brown towel when I turned toward him with my mother look, and with an apology to the PA.  But she was laughing and said it was just fine, and Aaron probably would have held up his hand to get another towel if I hadn’t stopped him with my threatening look. 
 
Soon we were back in the safety of the van, where I let out a huge sigh and Aaron launched into his next list of topics.  “Mom, you know those little interviews they show before movies start?”  he asked. 
 
Yes, Aaron…….trailers.  He totally disregarded the trailer comment as he talked about seeing an interview for Iron Man 3…….”Can I see that movie, Mom?”   And the movie, Lincoln…….”I don’t know if I want to see that one.”  And of course, “Mom, can I see the Texas Chain Saw Massacre?” 
 
No, Aaron, you cannot see the Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
 
He shifted gears in his talking and said, “Mom, the other day when Katie was driving me home she asked me something and I said, ‘OK, babe!’, and she told me not to say that.”  So we discussed why he should not call women “babe” and what it means to respect someone and why the term “babe” is not showing respect………and before I knew it, we were home. 
 
I tell you, only Aaron can make a simple doctor visit into one adventure after another just by his conversations and his observations.  When we got home, and he was finished with his talking and went up to his room, I had some time to breathe and to collect myself. 
 
How would I answer the question on this day…………the question about whether I’m depressed or sad?  I worry about Aaron at times, and I get aggravated or embarrassed at times……but my goodness, he makes me laugh!  And laughter is good medicine for body and heart and soul. 
 
I wonder if our little medic thought of Aaron later that evening after work?  I hope she’s still smiling, too, and has a new insight into all the special people that will cross her path. 
 

Aaron’s good at that!   

Do I Have To Go?

Most of us live by some amount of routine in our lives.  For those individuals with autism, routine is most definitely not just a part of their lives, but a necessity.  This is certainly true for Aaron.  And when that routine is broken, we never know just how he’ll react.  This is why I was a little worried about how his first morning back at his day group, Paradigm, was going to go.  Would he be a willing participant as we switched back to the “old” morning routine, or would he be angry and rebellious?  I knew that it could go either way.
 
Aaron came downstairs yesterday on our first “normal” morning that we have had in a week.  All the snow from our two big storms have kept him home.  I inwardly cringed as I heard him coming slowly down the stairs.  He had just gotten out of bed and so was moving slowly.  I had prayed earlier in the morning about Aaron’s attitude, and I shot up another quick prayer as he lumbered into the kitchen. 

He was disheveled and his eyes were droopy.  His body sagged and he had no vitality at all.  Oh yeah, Aaron was playing the part of a victim very well………..a victim of being jerked back to reality and having to resume normalcy.  I smiled at him and cheerily said, “Well, good morning, Aaron!”

He continued to droop and then very wearily said, “I’m tired.”  He continued to stand there looking at me, even sagging a bit more in his effort to show me that this day was just more than he could possibly bear.  When his comment and his visual demonstration got no response from me, he flatly continued……..”I read a long time.” 

It still makes me laugh to think of how perfectly he was seizing this opportunity to appeal to my mother heart.  I was as chirpy as a spring bird as I confirmed to him that I knew he was tired and I knew he had read a long time the night before, but that I also knew a warm shower and some hot coffee would work wonders on his depleted self.   He stood there, with his pajama shirt hanging out of his pajama pants that were dragging on the floor around his feet………the perfect picture of dejection and exhaustion……….and in some disbelief he asked, “So do I have to go?”

I went about my work in the kitchen, seemingly oblivious to his distress…..and hoping that he was equally oblivious to the fact that I was dreading his reaction to what I knew I must say.  I calmly replied, “Well, Aaron, Dad went to work both yesterday and today.  I have to get back to my physical therapy today, and all the kids are back in school.  So, yes, today you get to go back to Paradigm.”

He stood there, absorbing this reality, and pondering something.  I soon learned that he was pondering a deal………..a deal concerning his keyboard that we remove every night before bed, and then hook back up to his computer while he is away the next day.  “Mom,” he began, “can we do this thing where you put the keyboard in before I leave?”  In other words, Aaron wanted to watch me put the keyboard in just before we left for his group……….not so he could use it but so that he could just have the comfort of knowing that it was plugged in and ready for him to use when he returned home.  I have actually done this before and it worked well, so I didn’t need to think long before I told Aaron that yes, I would do that.  I would plug in his keyboard before we left provided he shower and get all ready to go. 

He gladly accepted this counter deal, and his sagging body straightened.  He took his pills as he watched me pour his coffee, and soon he was in the shower.  Not long after, as I was getting ready, I heard him outside my bedroom door.  He knocked on my locked door, and I heard him flatly ask again, “Do I really have to go?”  He was hanging on to a thread of hope that somehow I had considered his plight and changed my mind.  So I reaffirmed that he was going to Paradigm, and of course he asked, “So can you put the keyboard in?” 

“Did you shower, Aaron?”   To which he answered yes and to which I confirmed that the keyboard would be plugged in BEFORE we left.  We had this same confirming conversation several times over the next 45 minutes………Aaron continuing to ask about the keyboard and me continuing to say yes……….until finally I just gave him my “mom” look and he knew that the answer was yes and also knew that mom was weary of the one-track questioning.  The questioning did not stop, however, until we were ready to leave and he oversaw me plugging in the keyboard.

And then he asked, “Mom, are you going to leave the keyboard in?”

Good grief, Aaron……….HUSH ABOUT THE KEYBOARD!!!!!

He seemed to get the message, as our drive to meet his group was full of talk about Decepticons and Autobots and other Transformer “stuff” that makes no sense to me…….but was a relief because it had nothing to do with keyboards.

He burst in the house at his usual time, and I thought that if his first comment had the word “keyboard” in it then I just might toss his keyboard in one of our backyard snowdrifts.  Thankfully, though, his first comment was, “Mom!  We had pizza!”  He proceeded to tell me about the pizza he had for lunch and then said, “I don’t have any money left.  I used it at Quik Trip.  I used it for me and Rosie.”   He told me how he had bought Rosie a lemonade and himself a bottle of water.

We had our usual discussion about how he’s not supposed to use his money for Rosie.  I reminded him that one reason for this is because Rosie’s mom doesn’t want Aaron giving Rosie money for food.  To which Aaron very matter-of-factly replied, “It was not food.  It was drink.”

Have I discussed recently that individuals with autism not only love routines, but are also very literal? 

I laughed as he went upstairs to check on that keyboard.

That Boyfriend/Girlfriend Thing

On Sunday evening, Aaron told Gary and I that his headphones were broken.  It appeared that he was correct, so I decided to run out to our new Goddard Wal-Mart to get him another set of headphones.  We were getting ready to be hit with a blizzard the next day, and no way was I going to be stuck in the house with Aaron having no headphones.  For most games and movies, he believes that he MUST be wearing his headphones.  Without them………well, he or I one would not survive, and I just didn’t even want to go there.

We climbed in the van, buckled up, put in just the right CD, and off we drove into the west………to good old Wal-Mart.  Aaron was talking about anything and everything as we rode along.  My mind was pretty much on auto-pilot, listening to Aaron talk, talk, talk and thinking of what else I needed to buy before we were inundated with the promised snow.  That’s when, out of the blue as he so often does, Aaron unexpectedly asked, “Mom?  Is it OK that Rosie and I are friends?”

So where did this come from, I thought?  I’ve written several times about Aaron’s special friendship with Rosie.  They like each other and he is so nice to her.  That last fact is in itself a miracle.  Gary and I are happy for their special friendship.  When Aaron talks about her like this, with no connection to our conversation, then I know it’s usually because he has some issue on his mind. 

I replied, “Yes, Aaron, it’s OK that you and Rosie are friends.”

He continued, “Well………she’s a girl and I’m a boy.”

Pause.  And I hesitantly say, “Yes?”……….and wonder what’s next.

He asked, “So what’s the difference?”

Now I’m most assuredly out of auto-pilot mode.  My mind is in full engagement, wondering what his last question means.
 
Then I very intelligently and fearfully ask, “What do you mean?”

He answered, “Well, does that mean I’ll be doing that boyfriend/girlfriend thing?”

My relief almost made me sag.  Perhaps this wasn’t going to be such a difficult conversation after all.  I assured Aaron, as we always do, that he and Rosie can be good friends.  Their special friendship is a wonderful thing. 

“So I don’t have to be that boyfriend/girlfriend thing?”

“Do you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend, Aaron?” I asked.

“No”, he replied, “but some of the other clients tease me about it.”

Once again, I encourage him to not let the teasing bother him……..to just laugh and be nice……….and to keep being a special friend with Rosie.

By this time we were walking in to Wal-Mart.  By the time I got a cart and turned to walk in the entrance, there stood Aaron………..holding up a small round watermelon, with a huge grin on his face.

“Look, Mom!!  It’s a little watermelon!!”  I commented on his delightful find, and he hurried on back to the electronics section to look for his headphones.  He didn’t mention Rosie again the rest of the night.  It seemed that his concern over whether he would be doing that boyfriend/girlfriend thing had disappeared.

Yet I know better.  This issue is on his mind more than we realize.  That’s why it keeps coming up over and over again.  He’s trying to figure out how to do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, as he says…..or how to BE the boyfriend/girlfriend thing.   He’s venturing into unfamiliar territory, as are Gary and I.  I hope we have wisdom, and I hope we remain sensitive to Aaron’s feelings.  We’re very happy for him to have Rosie as a special friend.

The joy he shows when he holds a small round watermelon, or as he did later, an oddly shaped purple eggplant, is such fun to see.  Likewise, I want to continue to see his friendship with Rosie through his eyes……….to know that’s it’s unique and valuable to him………….but also full of questions. 

I just pray that we will have the right answers.  Not dismissive answers, but honest answers and wise answers.

But I tell you, it sure is easier talking about watermelons and eggplants than it is to talk about that boyfriend/girlfriend thing!  

Wheel. Of. FORTUNE!!!!

When Aaron was very young, probably when he was about a year and a half old, he started watching Wheel of Fortune every evening.  He absolutely loved that game show!  He would laugh and clap as he watched the letters being called out and then turned by Vanna White.  He would even stand by our dishwasher, reach inside when the door was open, and turn the bottom spray arm as he gleefully clapped and laughed and in his little voice yelled out, “Wheel.  Of.  FORTUNE!!!!”  He was adorable.  And unbeknownst to us, he was learning his letters.  He totally shocked us one day before he was 2 years old by pointing to the letters in a magazine article that Gary was reading and telling him what each letter was.  Gary yelled for me to come, so I ran downstairs, expecting that maybe Aaron had fallen and gotten hurt.  But instead Gary wanted me to see this surprise that was sitting on his lap…………our little baby boy who was correctly calling out each letter as Gary pointed to it.  We clapped every bit as much as the contestants on Wheel of Fortune, and Aaron clapped in delight as well.
 
We moved to Germany that next year, where we lived for six years and where Aaron didn’t have the same opportunity to watch his beloved Wheel of Fortune.  As he grew up and we moved back to the States, he never became attached to that once-favorite show like he had when he was a toddler.  Last year, though, Aaron found his old Wheel of Fortune PC game.  He and I played it occasionally, and really had a lot of fun with it.  Now he has a new Wheel of Fortune PC game, which we played a few weeks ago…….and once again had fun doing that together.  All of this led me to remember that Wheel of Fortune is still on television, so I told Aaron this bit of news.  I am beginning to question the wisdom of that decision.  🙂
The first night that he and I watched Wheel of Fortune together, Aaron was almost as delighted as when he was a little child.  Now every day the questioning starts in the morning.  “Mom, can we watch Wheel of Fortune tonight?”   I always tell him that I’m not sure.  Soon he repeats the question.  “So, Mom, can we watch Wheel of Fortune tonight?”  Again, I repeat that I’ll have to see what’s going on.  I’ve learned to never commit definitely to an activity, because if something interrupts it, I am in huge trouble with Aaron.  In his mind, I have lied.  That’s the black and white world in which Aaron lives.  But again I hear, “So Mom, do you think we can watch Wheel of Fortune?”   I’ll answer the same as long as he asks, but he is never deterred.

Watching Wheel of Fortune with Aaron is somewhat entertaining……..interesting……….funny……..and definitely loud.  Quite loud.  Aaron doesn’t miss a beat, either.  Every sequence of events, every comment, every gesture……everything!…….is for him a source of endless commentary.  And the loudness comes from the clapping.  Not the contestants clapping, but Aaron’s clapping!  Oh my goodness.  That young man can clap louder than any human on the planet, of that I am quite certain.  I am taken back to his little chubby hands clapping together with great joy as a toddler watching Wheel of Fortune.  Now he’s grown and has over the years perfected this ear-splitting clap of his, made with his thick hands.  Seriously, his clap will at times leave my ears ringing. 

Aaron wants to watch Wheel of Fortune for the very beginning until the very end.  This is the same way that he reads a book or watches a movie.  He reads a book from the very, very first word until the very, very last word…….table of contents, index, and all.  He watches a movie from the very, very beginning until the very, very end…………down to the very tiniest print at the very, very end of the credits.  Sigh.  So when I made my semi-commitment to watch Wheel of Fortune with Aaron, it was on the condition that I may NOT be able to watch it every single night.  I have to cover all my bases here.  Then I remembered the DVR, and so decided that I could tape the show on nights that I might be busy right at 6:30……….or for Aaron, 6:29……..so that he can watch the very, very first part of the show.  He loves watching Vanna and Pat come out on the stage together amidst the clapping and cheers.  This is, of course, a very, very necessary part of Wheel of Fortune…….for Aaron.

The first night that I taped Wheel of Fortune, I called Aaron downstairs for supper.  He thought I called him down to watch the show and so he was very concerned when he saw us sitting down to eat.  I told him not to worry, that I was taping the show, and yet he still had worry written all over his face.  “But Mom, are you taping for the VERY beginning of the show?!!”  I assured him that I was.  Then a couple minutes later……”Mom, are you SURE you’re taping from the VERY beginning?”   And again I promised that the show would start at the VERY beginning.  I tried to explain the wonder of the DVR, but he wasn’t convinced and continued to ask several more times if I was SURE that Wheel of Fortune would start at the VERY important beginning.  I sure was praying that our DVR worked correctly, and was VERY thankful when yes indeed, we got to see Vanna and Pat walk out together.  Whew!

Like I said, there is nothing that goes unnoticed by Aaron.  His questions and his comments are numerous.  “Mom, are Vanna White and Pat Sajak married?”  I told him that they are not married.  “So why do they hold hands?”  And I explain that they are good friends and have worked together for many years……and so they hold hands sometimes.  He thought this was strange.
 
Aaron wonders about the clothes that Vanna and Pat wear.  “So Pat Sajak wears a suit but Vanna White wears a fashion dress.”   Yes.  “Vanna’s dress is long!  Why doesn’t she trip on it?”   “Would you like a dress like that, Mom?”    “Why is her dress all shiny?”   “Look!!  She has flowers on her dress!!”   And on and on it goes. 

He notices the card that Pat is holding and wonders what is written on it.  He notices the way that the letter board lights up and is it a computer and how Vanna just touches it and the letter turns.  He notices Pat Sajak’s personality – “Pat Sajak does this thing of being funny!  Why is he funny?”  And Aaron just can’t make sense of why Pat must ask questions of the contestants.  To Aaron this is very odd.  “Mom, why is he asking if they’re married?!  He’s not married to them!”  No amount of explanation seems to sink in to Aaron, and he continues to wonder about all those rather strange, rude questions.

And the clapping………….yes, the clapping of the audience and the contestants.  This frequent clapping gives Aaron permission to join in, much like he did when he was a child.  Except that the decibels have gone way up now, and so I cringe and I fuss and I threaten………but to no avail.  CLAP!!!  “Mom, look at how they spin the wheel!”   CLAP!!!   “Mom, did they land on the Jackpot?!”   CLAP!!!  And sometimes for no reason…….CLAP!!!!  CLAP!!!!  CLAP!!!!

Aaron wonders why the contestants are so happy when they win a trip.  CLAP!!!  “So what’s the big deal about going to an island?”   CLAP!!!   He finds the cars that they sometimes win to be very interesting.  “Mom, the car tonight was silver!!  And last night it was red!”   CLAP!!!  “So when they win a car, it’s cost free?!”   Oh, I do love how he describes these concepts. 

Yes, Aaron, the car is cost free.   CLAP!!!

He really doesn’t understand the facial expressions of the contestants.  This is so common for those with autism.  The expressions on other’s faces and the social cues that are presented  often go completely unnoticed.  Therefore, as Aaron watches the body language that goes on during this game show, he is puzzled.   “Mom, that woman is strange!”  I asked him why he would say that and he replied, “Because she’s so excited.”  I use the opportunity to explain her excitement and why it transfers to her outward behavior, but almost before I can finish he’s off on another observation. 

“Why is that woman making a face with her eyes big like this?!”  Or…..”Did you see what she did to her hair?”  He registers nearly every eye movement, hand gesture, shoulder shrug, laugh, frown………..it all goes in his brain, but he can’t necessarily make sense of it.  So interesting!  At this point, I’m finding myself more intrigued by Aaron than I am by Wheel of Fortune.  CLAP!!!

Then there was the night that Vanna White hugged the guest LA Lakers basketball player at the end of the game.  Aaron found this to be of great interest, as he blurted out, “SEXY!!!”  I gave him my stern look and he explained, “But you said that word isn’t a bad word.” 

So I had to agree that, yes, I did say that the word ‘sexy’ is not a bad word……….but I just never know where Aaron is going to go with something like that.  Good grief – why does he have to notice everything?!
 
Aaron, why don’t you just go and……………CLAP!!!!

Is Mustard….Mayo? Or Mayo……Mustard?

This past Thursday, on Valentine’s Day, Aaron had his yearly eye exam appointment.  The exam went well, even though Aaron doesn’t do so great on the peripheral vision or the puff-of-air glaucoma check.  He doesn’t fuss but he just doesn’t see the little faint dots or open his eyes wide enough, or something, so if he was given a pass or fail – those would be a fail.  Everything else went fine, thankfully, and we were finished pretty quickly.  That gave us an edge on getting a good seat for lunch at Chili’s, which is very near his eye doctor.
 
We were seated in the colorful booth, and Aaron immediately began to look at the menu choices.  He mostly wanted to look at the pictures of the food, for this is his favorite way of picking out what he wants to eat.  We completely forgot to talk about what to drink before the server was there to take our drink orders.  I reminded Aaron that he didn’t need to look for pictures of the drinks, and I offered him some options.  He thought for awhile as the waitress and I patiently waited……….and then loudly asked, “Do you have water?”  I chuckled and the waitress nicely told him that yes, they had water, and off she went to get our drinks.
 
From that point, our friendly waitress wanted to ask me all the questions that were really for Aaron.  She looked at me and asked, “Would he like some lemon in his water?”  So I looked at Aaron and asked, “Aaron, would you like lemon in your water?”  He said no, and off she went.  Later, after Aaron ordered chicken strips……..making sure that they were indeed boneless……really and truly boneless……and crispy………our server returned with our food, looked at me and asked, “Would he like sauce?  Ranch, barbecue…..?”  So I looked at Aaron and asked, “Aaron, would you like sauce?  Ranch, barbecue……?”  He chose barbecue and again, off she scurried.  This scenario happened a few other times.  For crying out loud, couldn’t she see that Aaron was fully capable of listening, understanding, and answering?  Sometimes people amaze me!

Aaron kept up his usual chatter as we ate.  “Mom!  That sign says ‘MARGARITA Bar.’ ”  He emphasized the word ‘Margarita’ because I think he knows what it means and that he’s not allowed to have that beverage.  He continued, as he pointed toward the sign, “Is that beer?”  To Aaron, any alcoholic drink is beer.  I tried to explain, knowing that he would continue to see it as beer.
 
We had a lengthy discussion about tornadoes.  Aaron is aware that tornado season will be upon us soon, so he’s been talking about it a lot.  I should just record my answers to his usual questions and push the button when he begins the discussion.  And we also had our running back-and-forth commentary about tornado sirens………..where they are located, what they are for,  how they sound, how they rotate, why they rotate……     All the while, Aaron was trying to solve the problem created when his chips and salsa eating was interrupted by the arrival of his meal.  He usually eats one item at a time, so the big plate of chicken strips interfered with his chips and salsa.  He took a bite or two of his chicken, but decided that this was just too confusing.  Plus he noticed that occasionally I would reach over and take a chip, and this was an even bigger problem.  He couldn’t risk me finishing off the chips, so he abandoned his chicken and very quickly started scooping up chips, carefully dipping them in the salsa and quickly reaching for another one.  He’s so predictable and so all about himself!  I know this and I understand, but I teased him anyway and he seemed to not even hear.   However, he did notice when I reached over and took one of his French Fries.  He promptly moved his plate away from me, and reached for yet another chip.  Ah, Aaron!

The server came by and thought that Aaron was finished, so she asked if she could take his plate.  Yay!  She finally talked TO Aaron!  But he moved his plate away from her and told her that he was not finished.  He meticulously took each French fry and dipped it carefully into the ketchup……..and somehow was reminded of mayonnaise.  “Mom, is mayo another name for mayonnaise?”  I told him that it is, and he then went down the road of mayo and mustard.  He seems to get them confused continually.  “Why is mayo a different name for mustard?” he asked. 

Mayo is not a different name for mustard, Aaron.  Mayo is mayonnaise and mustard is mustard. 
 
“Oh,” he replied.  “So mustard……..it’s called mayo?”

No, Aaron.  Mustard is mustard.  Mayo is mayonnaise.  They are different things.

“So is mayo mustard?” he asked. 
  
AHHHHH!!!!  I reminded him that mayo is white and mustard is yellow……….and he nodded and went on to the next subject, even as I wondered if he got mayo and mustard straight in that brain of his.  I doubt it.

“Mom, I told Barb that I wish I was young.”   I told him that he is not old and he said, “I’m 28!”………as if 28 is indeed very old!  So I said, “Well, to me you’re young.  But to an 8 year old you might seem a little old.”  

I wondered what I was thinking as he responded, “So to an 8 year old I’m half old?”  I was just trying to formulate my answer to that question when he continued, “So I’m half old and half young?”  I love how his mind works as he connects the dots that my comment created…….half old and half young…………and I was a bit relieved when the server came to our table with the bill and Aaron said to her, “It seems like your voice is kind of high!” 

She laughed and I laughed, and Aaron wanted to know if he was being rude.  Soon we were ready to leave, and before we got up from the booth I reminded Aaron not to clap……….and please don’t stare at people or point to their food………….and don’t make any farting noises with his mouth…………..and by all means, DO NOT STRETCH!!!!  If you’ve seen Aaron stop in the middle of a crowded restaurant and stretch, you would totally understand this instruction from me.  Hands high about his head, stomach way out, and lots of noises.  Think gorilla.

We safely and rather quietly left the restaurant, with Aaron talking all the way………which is never really quiet, but it beats the stretching routine any day. 

I am somewhat mentally fatigued whenever I have an outing with Aaron that involves public settings and other people and food and plenty of time for rather loud conversations and the presence of BEER in any form!  But he’s never boring and he’s actually delightful if I take the time to really listen……….like the half old and half young comment.  I wonder if I’m the only one who understands that connection that he made.

And I’m thankful for the connection that I have………that we as a family have……….to this very unique Aaron…………noisy, one-of-a-kind Aaron!

The Just-Right Pillow

One of the main characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome, or any other form of autism, is the insistence on sameness that displays itself in a multitude of ways.  Aaron manifests this characteristic in so many areas every day of his life.  One way in particular is his bed, as I’ve written about in other blogs.  Every tiny aspect of his covers, his pillow, his nightstand, and even the items that he insists on putting on the floor around his bed must be just so-so.  If they are out of place then Aaron cannot rest. 

I remember when he still put his stuffed animals on his bed.  He did this into his early 20’s, which bothered me a lot.  I tried to get Aaron to put the animals away but he wouldn’t hear of it.  Every night he would meticulously place each animal on the bed in just a certain order, each in their own place that never varied.  Then he would adjust each arm, each paw, each ear, each tail…………and step back to view his bed.  If anything was out of place he would then adjust it carefully.  Or if we messed anything up as we said goodnight, it had to be fixed immediately.  Only when it was all exactly right would he softly climb into bed and settle down for sleep.   When Aaron had his VNS surgery, his upper chest and neck were very sore from the incisions.  Only then did he agree to let the animals stay in their crate in his closet.  Lo and behold, he realized that he could sleep just fine without his stuffed animals!  And also saw that he had more room to toss and turn without the fear of messing up a tail or an ear on his stuffed companions!  He has never asked for them again.  Victory!!

One day years ago I bought Aaron a body pillow to use.  I thought that it would keep him from settling at night into the space between his two regular sized pillows, where I would often find him during a seizure or when getting him up in the mornings.  Sure enough, he slept very well on his new large pillow and has never wanted to go back to regular pillows again.  There are some requirements for his body pillow, however, when we help him make his bed or change his sheets.  The pillow must be stuffed smoothly and fully into the very long pillow case, with no wrinkles or bulging.  And when placed on his bed, the zipper must always go on the left side of his bed.  Always.
 
This morning Aaron was grouchy, not wanting to go to Paradigm.  I just treaded lightly as I poured his coffee and offered him some breakfast, which he refused.  I went about my business as usual, hoping all the while that he would settle down and cooperate.   I still kept up my soft tone while being firm, not giving in to his demands to stay home.  And for some reason, he did start calming down.  I was in my bathroom getting ready when I heard him walk into my room and say, “Mom, something’s wrong with my pillow.”  I glanced out into my bedroom to see that Aaron had placed his long pillow on the end of our bed.

“What’s wrong with it, Aaron?” I asked.  He pointed to it and said, “See?  It’s all fluffed up!”  I couldn’t see anything fluffed up about it, but I knew that in his current mood I needed to take his concern seriously.  Any dismissive attitude on my part pertaining to his pillow would possibly only escalate his fragile mood.  I peered down at the seemingly normal pillow as he pointed out the problem.  And yes, there it was………..clear to me, since I do tend to see the world through Aaron’s eyes.

The pillowcase had been changed the day before, and the end of the pillow that Aaron sleeps on………the unzippered end……….was not perfectly flush inside the pillowcase.  The two sides at the end of the pillow were a little folded in, which made the two corners of the pillowcase sag down a little.  So this was why, when I went in to get Aaron up this morning, he had pulled the pillow way over so that he was sleeping in the middle of the pillow and that unzippered end was hanging off the bed.  He could not bring himself to sleep on that part of the pillow that wasn’t just right. 

And he confirmed this as he said, “I had a hard time sleeping on my pillow, Mom.  It wasn’t right!  It was all fluffed up!”  Yes, it was a little poochy there……..fluffed up, as Aaron says……….so I pulled the pillowcase back until it was nearly off and I made sure the corners of the pillow were rearranged so that they fit into the corners of the pillowcase.  Aaron watched carefully.  I laid it back on our bed as he examined it……….and was very relieved when he gave me his word of approval. 

We put the pillow back on his bed then, making sure the zippered end was on the left side of the bed, of course.  He had already asked me if I would help him make his bed while he was gone……….which is really asking me to just make his bed while he’s gone, which I’ve told him over and over.  Anyway, we got every cover just right and all the wrinkles tugged out and things tucked in that must be tucked in……….and Aaron was happy.

It was such a small thing, that fluffed up pillow.  It would have been easy for me to dismiss it in my hurry to get ready.  But that small thing to me was no small thing to Aaron, and it was best for me to recognize that and deal with it in an understanding way at that moment.  It saved a lot of anger in the long run, that’s for sure.  For Aaron would have been angered and bothered all day over that fluffed up pillow, and at my lack of comprehension about its importance.

This is a lesson that is reinforced almost daily in our home…………that small matters can be huge to Aaron, and to save huge outbursts or distress on his part, it’s best to nip it in the bud.  Repairing the fluffed up pillow was no big deal, seemingly, but it sure was to Aaron.  He saw my interest, too, and I hope he saw my love for him.  He went happily to his group, chattering all the way.  That makes for a good day for both of us!

And I’m sure that we’ll both sleep better tonight.

SHE’S CRAZY!!!!

As I recently had shoulder surgery, I was reminded of the time that Aaron had surgery for a broken wrist.  It was quite a few years ago, here in Wichita.  I was busy in the kitchen that particular evening as I cooked supper.  I didn’t pay much attention to Aaron as he walked in to where I was working until he told me that he had fallen outside and hurt his wrist.  “Mom,” he said, “I was trying to be one of those people at the circus that walks on that tightrope.  I was walking on the bricks around the porch and I fell off.”  I told him to go sit in the family room and soon I stood over him, looking down at the bulging bump on his wrist, and fearing the worst.

A trip to the emergency room and an X-ray confirmed what we thought to be true……….Aaron did indeed have a broken wrist.  He wore a splint until we could see the orthopedic doctor a few days later.  The doctor said that he would try to set the wrist without surgery, but if the bones moved at all then surgery would be necessary.  A couple nights later, I stood over Aaron in his bed and watched him have several seizures.  There was nothing we could do to stop the jerking.   And there was nothing we could do to change the outcome of that movement.  Surgery on his wrist was scheduled after the next X-rays revealed that the bones had shifted out of place.

None of these events phased Aaron in the least.  I guess God has gifted him with an ability to  have no fear of medical procedures.  He has always done better if allowed to watch while his blood is being drawn or an IV inserted.  EEGs, MRIs, X-rays, spinals………nothing has ever really upset him.  Gary and I are very thankful for that toughness!  So the prospect of surgery was no big deal to Aaron, even as I was concerned about it and wondering how it would affect his seizures.

The morning of his surgery arrived and there we were at the surgery center, bright and early.  Soon a nurse stepped out to usher Aaron and I into the prep area.  I knew right away that the second she saw Aaron, she recognized that he had special needs.  Nothing was strange about that.  However, I soon realized that she thought Aaron was mentally challenged.  I knew this because of the way that she spoke to Aaron.  She was very nice, but she spoke to Aaron like he was a very young child instead of a young adult.  She spoke slowly and deliberately to him, and she also talked in a sing-song voice.
  
She gave him instructions about undressing and about putting on the gown, all the while her voice lilting up and down.  I hoped that she would soon see that Aaron had no mental challenges and would just talk to him normally.  I stayed with Aaron, and soon he was settled on the bed.  She returned, and began preparing him for surgery.  “Aa….ron,” she slowly said,  “this is a blood pressure cuff.  Do you know what a blood pressure cuff is?”  Aaron sighed loudly and looked at her as if she had three eyes.  I knew that we were headed for dangerous ground as Aaron gruffly answered, “Yes!”  He stuck his arm out as she continued half-singing and half-talking.  “I’m going to wrap it around your arm and then it’s going to squeeze a little bit.  It won’t hurt at all.”   I wondered if her voice could possibly go up and down any further even as I noticed that Aaron was becoming more irritated.  If only she knew how often he had worn a blood pressure cuff!  As she removed the cuff, she said, “Very good, Aaron!” with all the enthusiasm and lilts in her voice that she could muster.  And Aaron was not enjoying this one bit!

Everything she did was preceded by her elementary explanations to Aaron in her singing voice and drawn out words.  “Aaron, this is a thermometer.  Do you know what a thermometer is?”   “Aaron, this is going on your finger but it won’t hurt.”   “Aaron, this will stick a little.  Good boy!”  I was in a dilemma as I patted Aaron’s arm in an effort to calm him.  Of course, she thought I was patting Aaron’s arm because he was scared when in reality I was patting his arm in the hopes that he wouldn’t lash out at her verbally by telling her what he thought of her silly voice.  I knew that if I corrected her in any way in front of Aaron, he would say, “Yeah!  I’m not dumb!  You are!!”……….or some variation of that.  Yet I kept hoping that she would lay off the singing voice and the simple childish talk to Aaron.
 
Finally, it was time for Aaron to mark his arm that was having surgery.  As she handed the pen to Aaron, she sang, “Aa…..ron, I want you to put an ‘X’ on the arm that’s having surgery.  Do you know how to make an ‘X’?”   And there lay Aaron, who knew his alphabet before the age of 2, being asked by this all-too-nice nurse if he knew how to make an ‘X.’  I happily told him to just make the ‘X’ as he reached up and yanked the pen out of the nurse’s hand, and rather angrily marked a big ‘X’ on his right arm.  She seemed oblivious to his simmering mood as she again sang, “Very good, Aaron!”
 
I was so very happy that she then turned and walked out of our little cubicle.  Aaron immediately jerked his head in my direction and loudly exclaimed, “SHE’S CRAZY!!!”  And I wanted to say, “Yes, Aaron………but she thinks YOU are!”………..yet I knew that I could not say that, so I just told Aaron that the nurse was being very nice and that he needed to also be very nice to her.  She quickly returned and began her lilting talking again while I once again patted Aaron’s arm.  And in total exasperation, Aaron rolled his eyes back into his head and gave a huge sigh.  He kept his eyes rolled back as the nurse continued to chatter and I continued to pat……….and he now really did look like he had mental challenges.  I just wanted to laugh, but I was trying to keep things balanced and I was hoping that Aaron’s eyes wouldn’t stick like that and I was pleading in my head for this oh-so-nice nurse to just hush.

I never dreamed that I would see the day that I was relieved to watch one of my children being rolled into surgery………….but that day had arrived.  We had survived the lilting-voiced nurse without a major blow-up from Aaron.   Yes, Aaron………..go to sleep now……….and let me go pray that our special nurse is not in recovery. 

Thankfully, she wasn’t to be seen again…….nice as she was.  But Aaron talked about that “crazy nurse” for a long, long time.   

I’m Sorry, Mom……..I’m Sorry!

Earlier today, Gary and I were enjoying a quiet and laid-back Saturday morning.  Aaron was upstairs asleep……..nothing unusual about that, especially on a lazy Saturday.  Later, Gary went out to run some early errands before the crowds had the same idea.  I went upstairs to do some things and to jump in the shower.  Not long after I was in my room, I heard Aaron get up and go into his bathroom………nothing unusual about that, either.  Except that he was in there an awfully long time……….long enough for me to notice that this was unusual.  I stepped out into the hall and over to his bathroom door, where I was assailed by a very strong odor.

Fearing the worst, I asked, “Aaron, are you all right?”  And he softly answered, “No.”  Just a flat answer.  I knew what was wrong, even as I dreaded what I was about to face.  Aaron sometimes has intestinal trouble, as I wrote about earlier when I told about how he threw up on Thursday evening.  I knew that today his troubles were coming from the other end.  I told Aaron to just get in the shower and that I would come in then to see what needed to be done.

I waited until I heard the water running and then I opened the door.  Oh my goodness!  I won’t be graphic about the mess I found, but it was truly awful.  Poor Aaron had tried to clean it up, and it was just a disaster.  He heard me gasp, and as he stood in the pouring water of the shower, he said, “I’m sorry, Mom.  I’m sorry!  Mom, I’m sorry!” 

“I know you’re sorry, Aaron,” I said as I stepped back to assess the situation.  I removed my sling/immobilizer from my right arm, as well as my sweater, and then went downstairs to get gloves and so forth for cleaning.  I returned and set about the unpleasant task at hand.  And from the shower there came Aaron again……….”I’m sorry, Mom!  I’m sorry!” 

I finally told Aaron to quit saying that he was sorry, and I told him that it was all right………even as I fought the irritation that was welling up inside.  How on earth could he have made such a mess?  Goodness gracious!  Would I ever get it cleaned up?  And I was thankful that Gary wasn’t there, as he had his fair share of cleaning up vomit on Thursday. 

“I’m sorry, Mom,”  I heard Aaron say again.  And again I told him that it was OK, and that he didn’t need to keep apologizing.  But was it really OK, I asked myself?  I know that in these times of cleaning up Aaron’s messes………of dealing with his disasters………..of following behind him to correct the problems………..I, as always, have a choice to make.  I have learned that there is no benefit in self-pity.  Nothing is gained from questioning my lot in life……….being the mother of a child with special needs such as this.  I know that it is defeating for me to try to wish the situation away.   Negativity only breeds unhappiness and discontent…….and most important, is not how God wants me to handle this life that He has somehow allowed me and Gary to have. 

Paul said, “I have learned, in whatever state I am, therewith to be content.”  Paul wrote those words as he languished in a damp, horrible prison.  So there I was, cleaning up this vile mess and knowing that I needed to let my attitude reflect Jesus.  I needed to reflect Jesus to Aaron, and I needed to let God rule my thoughts.  So I prayed as I cleaned and as I tried not to gag.  I asked God to help me bring glory to Him even in this state in which I found myself.  I asked Him to help me have unconditional love for Aaron……….to not just love Aaron when he’s saying something hilarious but to also love him when he’s stinky and messy and furthermore, messing up my nice morning!

Eventually, the situation was under control.  The bathroom was clean and Aaron was in his room, playing a computer game and as good as new.  I walked in to where Aaron sat at his desk so that I could check on him, and as I turned to walk out I heard him softly say again, “I’m sorry, Mom.”  My eyes filled with tears as I walked away………….those tears that I don’t often allow to come.  I know that Aaron, in his own way, wishes that he could change things.  He is happy and content with his life most of the time, but I wonder what goes through his mind on days like today.  Does he wish that he didn’t have the issues that he faces daily?  Does he recognize his differences?  Does he see how dependent he is on Gary and I for his care?
 
I don’t know for sure, since Aaron doesn’t express those deep heart issues.  But his comment, his soft, “I’m sorry, Mom” shows me that he truly does know something.  He knows that he made a huge, ugly, smelly mess for his Mom to clean………and he was truly sorry.  That touches me.  And that urges me to love him and to let him know that it’s OK…….that I will be there to love him and help him for as long as God allows.

Aaron went outside later, and as I looked out I saw him in the front flower bed.  There he sat, in the mulch, relaxing and unwinding in the unique, quirky way that he does.  He hasn’t been out in the mulch for a long time.  He needed this today……….this time to decompress and sort out his thoughts.  Maybe I should have joined him……and wouldn’t that have been a sight to the people who were looking at the house for sale across the street from us?  I smiled at that thought. 

And I smiled as I looked at our son…….our special son……..who continues to teach me lessons of which he is completely unaware. 


May I learn them well.