Category: Aging

Watching For Stumbles

I had a birthday last month, and it was a big one!  By that, I mean it was a big number. 

Bless the people who say reassuring things like, “Oh, age is just a number.”

Yeah, but this one is a really BIG number!

I usually don’t feel old.  But the week of my birthday I had a call from a doctor’s office.  The very young sounding girl wanted to get some info from me before my upcoming visit.  

“Have you had any falls?” she eventually asked.  

Suddenly I felt very old because I knew she was no doubt thinking of me as the dreaded “elderly” word.

I’m already in the “Have you had any falls?” category?!

Actually, I did have a fall a few months ago.  But it wasn’t an old lady tottering fall.  Honest!  

I had noticed that a corner of the thick comforter on one of our beds was hanging onto the floor.  I know me and I knew that I should pull that corner up and off the floor before I tripped on it.  

But I kept letting it go with the old excuse that I would take care of it later.

And sure enough, one day my foot got all tangled up in it and down I went.  I wasn’t badly hurt except for my pride…especially since Gary heard the loud thump two flights down.  

On my birthday morning, I looked down at my open Bible and had to smile at the first verse that I saw.

“Those who love Your law have great peace, and nothing causes them to stumble.”   (Psalm 119:165)

When I first got caught up in that comforter, I stumbled.  It took a couple seconds for me to outright fall flat on the floor.  

Isn’t that just how sin is in our lives?  A little entanglement here, a little curiosity there, leads to excuses for why this activity or that attitude is no big deal.  And before we know it, we find ourselves stumbling and eventually falling full force away from what God intends for us to be and do.

It’s when I keep my guard by loving God and His Word, reading my Bible, and obeying God that I can have peace on the path upon which God has placed me.  

I stumble more in my attitudes, in my heart, than I do in what we might call “big sins.”  I have no desire to rob a bank or hurt someone. But I sure do get tangled up in discouragement; in fear of future decisions that will come; in doubt of God’s leading; in grief; in anger….

My worries and questioning can then lead to what the nation of Judah experienced.  God told them through Jeremiah:

“For my people have forgotten Me, they burn incense to worthless gods, and they have stumbled from their ways, from the ancient paths, to walk in bypaths, not on a highway.”  (Jeremiah 18:15)

When I ignore the issues in my life that need correcting and I let them stay in my heart, I am actually forgetting God.  I begin to focus on those things that do not matter, that are sin.

This leads to me in essence replacing God with worthless gods in my heart.  I spend more time dwelling on discouragement, fear, doubt, grief, anger…so many attitudes that wrap around my legs and my heart.

I stumble from the ancient path God has for me onto a byway, not a highway, and that stumble leads to a full fall.  

But God!

He picks me up in His grace if I but yield to Him.  

He holds me and loves me and sets me straight again as I confess my sin to Him and get back to reading and listening to what He says to me in His Word.

“My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.  He will not allow your foot to slip; He Who keeps you will not slumber.”  (Psalm 121:2-3)

I sure am thankful for the steady love and care of God as I sometimes stumble on this path of life!

 

My Mother and Aaron

Ten years ago, on Mother’s Day weekend, we held my mom’s funeral.  It was fitting for her to be honored during the weekend dedicated to mothers, but it was also heart rending.  Her funeral, conducted by my brother, was the sweetest funeral I have ever attended.  

For her funeral, John had each of the grandchildren write down their favorite memories of their grandmother.  Aaron couldn’t do that, so I wrote about the special relationship they had.  I want to share that now.

So many memories come flooding in when I sit and think of my mother and her relationship with Aaron, her special grandson.  Not that he was any more special than all the other grandchildren, but because Aaron has special needs.  Yet those special needs are what made him so very special to his Grandmother.  From a young age, Aaron was diagnosed with epilepsy and autism.  His curiosities and abilities were a joy to his grandmother.  I’ll never forget her delight at watching him in Colorado, before he turned two years old, showing her his letters and naming them correctly…and how surprised and delighted she was.  I remember our visits to Third Street and all the fun Aaron would have.  The sprinkler in the yard, helping Grandmother put together her famous homemade pizzas, playing with the big marble toy or Legos, and Cheerios in the living room coffee table drawer.  And spinach!  Mom fixed spinach one night and Aaron, thinking that spinach would make him strong like Popeye, kept opening the refrigerator door, pry open the plastic container of spinach, take some of that cold spinach out, grimace as he swallowed it, and then push the container back and close the door.  Mom just stood there outside the kitchen, peeking in and laughing so hard at Aaron as he repeatedly choked down that cold spinach. 

We visited for Christmas right after Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer.   Aaron watched Grandmother and Granddaddy open their Christmas presents.  One present they received was a plaque with a long poem about what cancer cannot take away.  Mom, knowing that Aaron could read very well, handed him the plaque and asked him to read it out loud to us.  Aaron read every word while we all cried.  It was a memory Mom often spoke of, with tears in her eyes.  

One more!  We came home in 2010 for Mom’s surprise birthday party.  Even then she was having a hard time remembering all the grandchildren.  But she looked across the room, saw Aaron, and her mouth and eyes opened wide.  “There’s Aaron!” she said with true joy.  That recognition meant so much to Aaron, even though he couldn’t really express it.  I could tell from the look on his face.  So, the night that we found out she had died, I reminded Aaron of that day when Grandmother recognized him from across the room.  Aaron just smiled and said, “Yeah.”  It wasn’t a long comment, but his smile and his joy were unmistakable.  

That is what Mom gave to him…a smile, joy, and great love.  

I am forever grateful that God gave us our mother to love each of us, but also to especially love our special Aaron.

Her smile, her joy, and her great love will always be a part of our lives.  

And for that, I am forever blessed and grateful.

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Lean On Me, Aaron

Yesterday Aaron and I went to his annual PCSP meeting.  How many years have we had these meetings?  More than I can nearly remember.  

His case manager and I decided several years ago to hold our meeting at one of Aaron’s favorite restaurants, Carlos O’Kelly’s.  Aaron really doesn’t like meetings that discuss him unless we’re letting him do all the talking about really important stuff.  You know – matters like whether Pluto is a planet or not, what solar flares are, and are black holes really sucking in stars?!  But mulling over matters of his likes and dislikes, what he is or is not allowed to do at his day group, what his goals are, and so on and so forth…well, Aaron would rather leave the room and find someone who IS wanting to hear him talk about planets, flares, and black holes.  But put a plate of enchiladas, chips and salsa in front of him and he’ll endure our needless talk.

Aaron had gotten out of bed super early the past two mornings.  Space videos on YouTube were calling to him, I guess.  As we sat in our booth munching on chips and salsa, he started leaning and leaning until finally he was resting against me like a little child.  

I eased him over and he sat straight for a couple minutes, but then he began leaning into me again.  I knew that he was sleepy from his very early mornings and from his meds, but still I kept propping him up so he could eat and participate in the meeting if needed.

Later, as I drove us home, I looked over at him sleeping soundly in his seat.

  

He is sometimes showing that age is creeping up on him.  He even seems a little feeble at times, like he did as he leaned on me during lunch.  I know that seizures are taking a toll.  He has memory loss, tremors, drooling sometimes, and other effects of both seizures and medicines.  

My heart is stirred with so much love for him.  So much concern for his life now, and for what the future will hold for him.

Yet there are those other moments, too…more and more, it seems.  Moments when Aaron is frustrated when things are not going his way at his time.  He is becoming more impatient with waiting, more set in his routine, and more expressive when those frustrations mount.

Therefore, Gary and I are finding ourselves more stretched on some days.  Our own frustrations mount along with Aaron’s.  Stress seeps through every crack in our strong armor.

I look at Aaron leaning on me, and I know that he needs me when he is struggling, both physically and emotionally.  His reactions are often beyond his control.  Sometimes that fact is hard to remember.

So, who do I lean upon?  

God.

Yes, Gary and I support each other.  I have amazing friends who walk a similar journey to ours.  I have great family on both sides.

But it is God Who leans down to me as He did the other night and fills me with deep peace even as the storm swirls around me…Who understands my struggles…Who speaks comfort to me…Who assures me with these words:

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate (feed on) faithfulness.”   (Psalm 37:3)

I can feed on so many things like anger, comparisons to others, resentment…the list goes on.  

Or I can obey God and lean into Him.  He understands my need.  And I must understand my need to trust Him and do good.

To feed on faithfulness even when I just want to walk away.

Faithfulness to God, and faithfulness to our Aaron.

Knowing that this is also true:

“Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it.”  (Psalm 37:5)

Commit.  Lay on God’s shoulders the heavy burden.  

He is strong enough for all my burdens and He is there for me to lean upon when I am tired and done.

And oh, I cannot express enough about the grace that God gives me to continue putting one foot in front of the other, day after day with Aaron.

It’s not one bit about how strong I am or that God gave Aaron to such an amazing parent.

But it IS all about how God meets me in my most down moments with His sweet peace and His words that speak such joy and comfort to me.

And as I learn to lean on God, I can be there for Aaron when he needs to lean on me. 

God holds me up so that I can do the same for Aaron.  

That’s even more amazing than all the black holes in the universe!

My Occupied Heart

On a shelf in our family room is this picture taken in 1983 at Gary’s Flight School Graduation Banquet.  We were at Fort Rucker, Alabama, where Gary completed the Army’s helicopter training.  

Because of my dress, Aaron thinks this picture is from our wedding day.  He loves showing people this picture when they are at our house.

“This is my Mom and Dad getting married,” he begins.

“No, Aaron, this was not our wedding…” I try to interject.

“See?” Aaron interjects above my interjection.

“Mom was skinny,” he says too loudly.

The ensuing laughter only encourages him.

“She had long hair,” he continues.

My death stare matters nothing to him.

“And she was young,” he finishes with a flourish.

At this point Aaron is bent over, rubbing his hands together furiously…which indicates great excitement…and laughing as he relishes everyone’s reactions, especially mine.

It’s obvious that all these supposedly desirable traits are in the PAST tense, right?

You know, I have never let my age bother me much.  I am thankful to be healthy and able bodied.  I don’t have cataracts or glaucoma, and so far, I do have my original knees and hips…and most of my original teeth in one form or another.

But if I focus on what Aaron says about my former self, well, it can be downright depressing if I’m not careful.

Tomorrow I will celebrate another year of life.  And for some reason, this birthday has made me blink a few times.

Like…wait, what?!  I’m HOW old?

I’m not ashamed of my age, so I’ll just come out with it.

I am…ahem…about to turn 69 years old.  

You know what that means about next year.  

GULP!!!

Gary and I got a late start at marriage, an even later start at having children, and a very late start to have a grandchild.  That last one was out of our hands.  Somehow, it’s all made me feel like I’m not as…ahem…old as I really and truly am.

Yeah, I cover some of it with hair color but then there are the moments when I stand up and feel my hip give a twinge it didn’t used to give…that original hip.

Times I back into a chair and realize that’s exactly how my Grandma did it.

There’s the periodic catch in my back that makes me realize why some people walk bent over the shopping cart handle.

Why do I seem to need a little power nap more days than not?

And I am not even going to discuss the wrinkled neck!!

I’ve been studying through the book of Ecclesiastes, and I had to laugh at the verse I read just two days ago.  At the end of chapter 5, Solomon talks about how God desires that mankind enjoy God’s gifts, whether the person is poor or wealthy.  It’s foolish to moan over being poor or to hoard your wealth. 

Then comes this jewel in verse 20:

“For he will not often consider the years of his life, because God keeps him occupied with the gladness of his heart.”

God gave me my birthday verse!!

There is NO reason for me to be consumed with the wear and tear of my body parts, to worry about my not-as-sharp mind, and all the rest of it.

I am instead to live with a heart that is occupied with the joy promised to me by the giver of real joy…God Himself!

“You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound.  In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.”   (Psalm 4:7-8)

What will occupy my heart in year 69?  

The choice is mine.

The ability is God’s.