Month: April 2012

I’ve written before about how Aaron likes to go sit in the mulch, or beside the mulch, in our flower beds.  He breaks the mulch into little pieces and watches as it drops into his special mulch trash can.  He will fill the can to the brim, which takes weeks, and then we’ll pour it out somewhere – and he’ll begin anew to fill the can with his broken mulch.  He has performed this ritual for many years, using leaves, sticks, grass, or mulch.

At times, neighbors or passers-by have asked him what he’s doing.  Some have said that they thought he was pulling weeds.  They must think we have tons of weeds, in one area at a time!  From these questions, Aaron has gathered that this activity of his must be unusual……or odd…….or just plain weird.  We know that his “playing in the mulch” or “being in the mulch”, as he calls it, is an autistic trait.  This ritual, this routine, relaxes Aaron.  It calms him when he is frustrated and overwhelmed.  He has asked us, though, if he is strange for “playing in the mulch.”  We assure him that this is not being strange, but that he is doing something he enjoys and that is relaxing to him.

When he was a student at the Day School here, his teacher called one day and asked if Aaron could go to the padded room that they had when he was frustrated.  This was a room where a student who was out of control could safely go and vent for as long as it took until he was spent and settled down.  They could curse, yell, bang on the walls, etc.  I found this idea, at least for Aaron, to be very disturbing.  I told the teacher that we didn’t encourage cursing, yelling, hitting, etc.  So I told him that if he had a container for Aaron, or that we would provide one, and then let Aaron sit outside the back door of the class room in the grass and leaves, that Aaron would calm down during those times that he was escalating.  Sure enough, they tried this and it worked.

I know that when people drive by and see this adult young man sitting beside our flower beds, picking in the mulch, that they find it very strange.  We’ve grown accustomed to people finding our Aaron a little strange, a little unusual, a lot loud……….and that’s OK.  I know that Aaron is also doing something else out there in the mulch.  He shared with us years ago that when he sits in the mulch, he’s making up stories in his head.  Most of his stories match his fantasy computer games.  His favorite story to make up in his mind involves……….are you ready?…………Jazz Jack Rabbit.  Yes, Jazz Jack Rabbit was a very favorite, very old, game of Aaron’s when he was a kid.  Aaron asked me once if I wanted to hear his made-up Jazz Jack Rabbit story and I made the mistake of saying yes.  It was a long story………….a very, very, very, very long story…………and it involved Aaron following me around the house as he told it in every excruciating detail.  I had to keep moving……….or I would have fallen asleep.  His monotone voice……..the fantasy story………..on and on and on……..my eyes are getting heavy even now.

Not too long ago, Aaron was talking to me again about his mulch time.  “Mom, when I’m playing in the mulch, I’m making up stories.  What do you call that?”

“Aaron, when you’re making up those wonderful stories, you’re being creative.”

And he answered, “Well, when I was doing that creative about Jazz Jack Rabbit……….”   and he proceeded to tell me something about the angle of his never-ending Jazz Jack Rabbit story.

Aaron was “doing that creative.”  I love his language…………well, most of the time………….and the way he really is very creative without even trying to be that way.  And he will continue to “do that creative” out in the mulch, I’d say, for as long as he’s able to get himself up and down onto the ground.  

A trait of Asperger’s that rears its head in various ways is the tendency to be very egocentric.  Aaron often thinks  that the world revolves around him.  I can have a cold or a headache, be laying on the couch, and all Aaron cares about is what he will eat for supper if I can’t cook.  Yet he shows more empathy now than he ever used to.  My blog back in the winter, The Hug, was a story of how he hugged me one night when I had a fever.  It was so unexpected and so sweet that it made me cry.  But I waited until he wouldn’t see me – he doesn’t handle other’s tears well, either.

Saturday evening after supper, as we cleaned the kitchen, I cut my finger on a can lid.  It really hurt and bled like crazy, but Aaron seemed totally unaffected by it.  Yesterday the finger started throbbing, swelling, and turning very red.  I ended up going to a nearby ER to have it checked, get a tetanus shot, some antibiotic meds and salve, and hopefully knock out the infection.

Yesterday was also a bad day with Aaron.  He didn’t want to go to Paradigm and we had some words in the morning.  He ended up staying home, but I didn’t say much to him all day.  I tried to just avoid him, and he knew why.  Sometimes he has such a hard time controlling his emotions, but I was having a hard day, too – and his actions didn’t help my emotional state at all.  He doesn’t like to see me withdrawn and quiet, but doesn’t know how to repair the results of his actions.  It’s really a stretch to think of him sitting down and saying he’s sorry, and then explaining how he’s feeling.  He gets close sometimes but not in the way that the rest of us can.

When I returned home from the ER last night, Gary had just finished mowing the yard.  I had dropped my prescriptions off on the way home, so he drove back down to the pharmacy to pick them up for me. Then he helped finish up supper, clean the kitchen afterwards, wash the dishes that didn’t go in the dishwasher, etc.  It was all so sweet of him.

But what touched me the most during that time was what Aaron did.  Aaron loves band aids, and because he always picks on his fingers he ends up slapping on a band aid here and a band aid there.  He takes our band aids out of the bathroom to keep them in his room, and because it’s a losing battle to try to keep him from doing that, I just buy him his own box.  While we were cleaning the kitchen, Aaron ran up to his room and then thumped loudly back downstairs.

He lumbered into the kitchen, held out a medium sized little band aid and said, “Here, Mom.  I got you a band aid.  It’s my last one but I got it for you to put on your finger.”  I almost told him no, that he could keep his last band aid, that I would get one from our bathroom……………but then I realized what had just happened.  Aaron cared about my finger!  And he was also reaching out to me, trying to repair our fractured relationship.  He was very pleased with what he had done.  How callous it would have been for me to reject that little band aid!  It would have been a rejection of Aaron and of his show of love and his attempt at reconciliation.

So I smiled at him, took the band aid, thanked him, and gave him a pat on his back as he quickly turned to thump back up the stairs to his room and his computer game.  I waited until bedtime, and the last thing I did before I got into bed was to put on my salve and  gently wrap the little band aid around my finger.  I felt better already, but it was a sweet feeling in my heart.  A rare tenderness wrapped around my finger and into my heart.

As I walked down the stairs first thing this morning, I paused to look out our little front door window like I often do.  It was still dark outside but things looked normal.  I sat at the table with my coffee and got myself awake for several minutes before beginning my morning time with the Lord.  I’ve been feeling some heaviness in my heart lately.  It’s hard sometimes to pinpoint exactly why and so I wanted to have some quality time with the Lord today.  Still, my mind was wandering and my thoughts felt disjointed.  Sometimes it’s hard to concentrate on scripture and on prayer, and today was one of those times.

I realized that dawn had broken and light was peeking around the edges of the blinds, so I opened the first set of blinds behind me.  Those windows face our back yard with lots of tall trees and bushes.  I was surprised to see, as the blinds lifted, that fog had suddenly moved in from the north.  Where an hour earlier it had been clear, now everything was covered in an eerie haze.  I just stood at the window looking out at the blurry trees and watching as the fog was floating in.  I knew the trees were still there but they were becoming more and more obscured by the thickening fog.

This haze that shrouded my world this morning matched my mood.  A heaviness in my heart, like I said, that can’t quite be defined had been bothering me for a few days.  It could be any number of things, I know.  Primarily I wonder if it’s Satan’s darts being hurled at me.  Discouragement is a favorite weapon of his.  An old physical issue is bothering me again; an old hurt is trying to bubble up once more; feeling adrift and not sure of my place in ministry…………yes, those concerns keep me awake at night and press into my thoughts during the day.  And there are so many people that I care for that are struggling with serious health issues.  I believe all of us know more and more people, young and old alike, that are facing very dangerous illnesses and treatments.  Even my neighbor was carried off in an ambulance last week.  Turning on the news certainly doesn’t help in the discouragement department these days!

I do not usually have an Eeyore type of personality.  Negativity is something that I avoid.  Yet sometimes life just gets tiring, doesn’t it?  We don’t always see God’s hand at work or hear His voice speak.  Like a creeping, silent fog, our disappointments and worries can seep into our hearts and minds to the point that God is almost obscured.  We blink and try to focus, but His shape is hard to make out through the thickness of our concerns.  We get tired and weary, weighed down more and more by all the messes that are swirling around us – in our own lives or in the lives of the ones we love.  It’s difficult to concentrate on His Word and our prayers seem to bounce off the fog in our minds.

Job said it very well:  “Behold, I go forward but He is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive Him.  When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him;  He turns on the right, I cannot see Him.”  (Job 23: 8-9)   No matter which way we turn, sometimes, we don’t see God.  Oh, we know in our heads that He is there but we don’t see or feel the evidence of that truth.  Circumstances don’t change………pains of whatever sort don’t go away………..hurts aren’t resolved…………..God, where are You?

But listen to Job continue speaking in verses 10 and 11:  “But He knows the way I take; when He has tried me I shall come forth as gold.  My foot has held fast to His path; I have kept His way and not turned aside.”  Maybe I can’t see God, but He sees me!  He knows the way I take.  He has planned this path that I am on and even when it’s clouded with fogs of uncertainty and pain and discouragement, I am to hold fast to this path that He has for me.  I am to keep His way and not turn aside.  I know that God is present in the pain; I know that He cares; and I know that His light will again shine in my heart, even during the tough times.  The fog will lift and the view will be clear one day, but even IN the fog I am to stay on the path……….keep trusting……….and don’t give Satan  the freedom to cloud my faith.

And in verse 14, Job says:  “For He performs what is appointed for me……..”  God will perform what He appoints for me, even in the fog.  There are lessons to be learned from the fog out my window and from the fog in my heart!  And when the fog lifts, how beautiful the view will be!  Thank you, Lord!

Andrea was home again for part of the weekend.  I know her days of living this close are soon to be over, so we  enjoy every weekend spent with her. Our weather has been beautiful and so sometimes she and I will slip out for a walk with Jackson in the park.  We try to slip out because, sad to say, we don’t want Aaron to go with us, usually.  That sounds mean, perhaps, but when he’s with us he will monopolize the conversation and we don’t get to chatter between us like we love to do.

Yesterday, though, Andrea told me that we should take Aaron.  She really does miss him and that warms my heart.  I asked Aaron if he wanted to go on a walk with us as we took Jackson to the park, and he was just very excited. He hurried and got his shoes and socks on, and off we went.  Aaron sat in the middle seat of the van with Jackson right behind him, breathing heavily with his own doggie excitement.  “Mom, Jackson is breathing in my face.  His breath doesn’t smell good.  Do you think his breath smells good?”

Well, Aaron , you’re the one who asks me nearly every day if Jackson can go with us when we drop you off to your group – so now you just sit back and enjoy your time with the dog.  I was already enjoying myself very much.

Swanson Park was green and pretty, with some puddles here and there from our early morning rain.  Lots of people were out and many were walking their dogs.  Jackson loves other dogs and so he was delighted, and sometimes a little hesitant, to meet all his four-legged friends that crossed our path.  Aaron, on the other hand, was a little nervous about the other dogs.  When he would see a family approaching us with a dog, he would say (loudly), “Oh No!”  I’m sure those that heard Aaron’s exclamation wondered what was wrong, so Andrea and I kept having to tell Aaron to be quiet.  Several people stopped us to talk and to let our dogs meet each other, which gave Aaron the opportunity he loves……………talking!

“This is a Great Dane!” he would say……….as if most people don’t know that already when they see this 198 pound giant of a dog.  “What kind of dog do you have?  Do you think they like each other?”  And of course, “Look!  They’re sniffing each other!”   Some dogs were playful and would get a little frisky, which made Aaron nervous again.  “Is your dog mean?  Is he going to bite?”

Aaron talked about the graffiti that we saw painted here and there, to us and to many of the people that we passed.  How many times did Andrea and I say, “Come on, Aaron.  Let’s go!”  Off we would go again, and soon Aaron would repeat what we heard all during our walk:

“Mom, am I losing weight from walking?”

“Mom, have I lost weight from walking?”

“Mom, look!  My shirt won’t stay tucked in.  I’ve lost weight!”  

Good grief, Aaron, just tuck your shirt in, pull your pants up, and keep walking.  Trust me, weight loss does not come that easily.

As we finished our walk and neared the van, Aaron asked, “Mom, is Jackson tired?  His tongue is a lot lower than it was.”  And as we got ready to get in the van, “Mom, Jackson gassed!”

Well, let’s be glad that Jackson gassed outside the van, Aaron, instead of inside!  Besides, we have enough hot air inside already………….believe me!

Aaron was happy this morning, which means he was compliant about getting ready and then very talkative after his shower.  I enjoy the mornings when he comes in the bathroom while I’m putting on my make-up and just sits there talking to me.  It’s so interesting to listen to him and through his talking, be able to see into his thinking.  I decided to share with you a little of my morning with Aaron.

I never know if he’ll get off the computer in time to shower well, or at all, or if he’ll be grouchy about it.  This morning he was in a good mood and got himself off the computer with no fuss.  In his bathroom, I heard the water running and then heard Aaron singing “Jimmy Crack Corn.”  Yes……he was singing “Jimmy Crack Corn.”  He later told me, “Mom, that song is old, right?”   Yes, Aaron, it’s a very old song but a good song to sing……….and you sang it very well.  He was pleased with that critique.

But, Aaron, did you really shower well?  Of course he says yes to that, but I told him that his hair didn’t look so hot.  “I washed my hair, Mom,!  I just didn’t wash it long.  I was in a hurry!”  Yep, there was a lot more singing than showering going on this morning!  Ugh!

I asked him how he slept last night.  His answer:  “Kinda well.  I went to sleep at 11:24 and got up at 7:30.”   We talked about getting off the computer at night and not reading so long and why does his stomach hurt in the morning and then:  “Mom, I didn’t know that dog’s eyes glow.  I thought only cat’s eyes glow.”  So we transitioned into the glowing eyes of animals.  Which led to:  “Oh Mom!  Yesterday I saw the toad for the fourth time!  Does he like the cold?  Why is he out in the cold and the rain?” 

With Aaron, it’s around and around he goes, and where he lands nobody knows.  I’ve learned to transition with ease…….most of the time.  His next subject:  “Mom, yesterday we were sitting on the upper top of the east mall and I saw a make-up store.”  A make-up store?  “Yeah.  You know – a store that sells make-up.  And there was a woman that works there putting make-up on her OWN self!”  He thought it was odd that she would put powder on her OWN self and she was looking in a mirror and why did she need to look in a mirror?  I was hoping that Aaron didn’t go into the make-up store and stand there staring at her, like he does in the nail salons, but he said that he did not go in the make-up store because he thought it would smell funny…………..which led to:  “Mom, I don’t like going in shoe stores.  You know why?” 
No, Aaron, but I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.  “It’s because they smell funny, too.”  And we had to figure out why shoe stores smell funny and make-up stores smell funny and nail salons, too.

Today is movie day and so he said, “Mom, have you ever noticed that at the theater in the area in front of you is the popcorn and in the other area behind that is the popcorn popper?  I told Krysten that I wish my Mom had that big popcorn popper!  Would you want that much popcorn?” 

No, Aaron, but I’m sure you would.  And I found out that, yes, Aaron would love that much popcorn and why don’t I want that big popcorn popper and why is the one we have now enough and am I SURE I don’t want that big popcorn popper that’s in that area at the theater behind the popcorn? 

We talked about many other things as we left the house and drove to meet his group.  “Mom, what happened to the warmness?  I thought it was spring.”  The warmness will come back, Aaron, believe me!  And he ended by listening carefully to the Lion King CD as we drove and deciding that a particular character is really a baboon but is he a wizard because “doesn’t he do things in the wizard way?”  When we pulled up to the van holding his group, Aaron continued to talk.  He always does, and Cody waits patiently for Aaron to finish.  Aaron must finish or Aaron isn’t happy and we all want Aaron to be happy.

And besides, what he says is very interesting and insightful and funny and I am reminded to be thankful that our autistic son can talk. 

Some days not so much, but today was a day to listen and learn and follow Aaron’s ever-so-fascinating mind.  So far.  We’ll see what the second half of the day holds! 

It sure is interesting to listen to Aaron talk about his day with Paradigm, his day group.  His descriptions of food, as you know from past blogs, can be mysterious or downright funny.  On Wednesdays, the group cooks at their office location.  They have a huge area full of couches, chairs, a pool table and other games, and a nice kitchen.  Every Wednesday when Aaron returns home I like to ask him what they fixed for lunch. 

This was his description of their creation one day:  “I don’t remember what it’s called, Mom, but it had chips and then it had that brown stuff on top that looked like throw-up.  And the cheese that wasn’t melted but it was those shreds.  And it had tomato stuff on top.” 

Wow.  Sounds………….interesting.  I don’t want to discourage Aaron from trying the food that they cook there, so I try to stay positive, but based on his description my reaction was……….YUCK!!!!

Of course, Aaron is color blind so as we talked about his lunch I was able to – thankfully – figure out that they had fixed Nachos and that the brown stuff on top that looked like throw-up was actually guacamole.  There is a reason, though, that I don’t care for that stuff.  But I don’t tell Aaron that.

Yesterday Aaron said, “Mom!  Guess what someone brought to Paradigm today?  Salmon!”

Really, Aaron?  “Yeah,” he said.  “I don’t like it.”
Hmmm………Dad and I just had salmon last night.  “Yeah,” he repeated.  “But I don’t like it. I don’t like fish.”

“But you like Long John Silvers fish,” I reminded him.

And he replied, “But I don’t like homemade fish.”

Ah, yes, homemade fish.  But when I fix homemade fish at least I don’t put brown stuff on top that looks like throw up! 

Individuals with Asperger’s have a very difficult time reading social cues that you and I take for granted.  Aaron doesn’t seem to notice at all when he is going on and on during a family meal, for instance, about global warming or Egyptian hieroglyphics or the rings of Saturn…………..that we are not interested after a certain long period of time and that we really want to interact with each other about other subjects.  Subjects that most often have absolutely nothing to do with Aaron’s range of interests. 

He does, however, know how to read my face………if he takes the time to look.  He also reads my silence as an indicator that he has crossed the line with Mom – that Mom is frustrated – or angry. 

Once I overheard Aaron telling Andrea about buying a movie that did not meet our approval.   He said, “Mom’s face acted like she didn’t like it.” 

How interesting………..and funny!  And today he knew that my face didn’t like the fact that he was not wanting to get ready for his group, so we were several minutes late, with morning necessities undone.  I’m thankful for Aaron’s very patient staff, Cody………….and for the fact that Aaron was happy.  Of course, running into Quik Trip for a #52 Slushie and some Hot Tamales helped Aaron’s face be happy.  Not so sure his stomach will be as happy a little later today.

He knew my face didn’t like his attitude this morning.  He kept looking at me and saying, “WHAT??”  He knew what…………just read my face, Aaron. 

Tomorrow is another day to hopefully make Mom’s face like what he’s doing and how he’s behaving. 

I grew up in a musical family.  Mom had a beautiful voice and a love of music that she and Dad shared.  We listened to music all day long, it seemed.  Mom played lots of classical music as well as the old musicals like Sound of Music or The King and I, and definitely lots of church music.  I’m taken back to my childhood when I hear songs like “The Lily of the Valley” or “The Old Rugged Cross.”  We kids sang together in church from a very young age, and all of us love and enjoy music to this day.

I’ve always had music playing as our children were growing up.  Each of our kids also love music, including Aaron.  Aaron is much like me in that he tends to lean towards more peppy music, you could say.  I love the classical sound of a violin, but I really get down to the sound of a bluegrass fiddle.  My mother would call most of my musical preferences today “jazzy” music.  That always makes us laugh to hear her say that phrase, because it’s said with some disdain.  She told me recently that she wouldn’t attend a certain service at her assisted living home because at that time they “played that jazzy music.”  That’s probably the service that I would have enjoyed the most!  But I didn’t tell her that!

I always have a CD playing when I drive, or the radio, but most often a CD.  Aaron loves the music and so we listen to something like Little Mermaid, or Alabama, or maybe oldies songs.  Aaron and I were listening to my Shania Twain CD one day.  He heard the song “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” and it obviously made quite an impression on him.  He laughed about it and said, “Now that’s weird that she feels like a woman.  She IS a woman.”  I just left it there.

Later that evening in his room, as he played a computer game, I heard him singing in a rather monotone voice, “Man! I feel like a woman.”  Over and over he dryly intoned that phrase, “Man. I feel like a woman.”  I began having visions of him singing that phrase in the middle of the men’s bathroom at Wal-Mart or the mall…………”Man. I feel like a woman!”  This could be bad.  I was very happy that he finally lost interest in that song. 

The other night Aaron had the television on and suddenly he said, “Mom!  Come here!  Look at this!”  I went to the den and saw that he was watching the public television station.  There was an orchestra playing a beautiful classical piece and Aaron was intrigued.  We watched awhile and we talked about the different instruments.  I said, “Isn’t it interesting, Aaron, to see the actual instrument that makes the sounds that you hear all the time in music?”  He agreed and so we watched for a few more minutes. 

Aaron was unusually quiet and as I looked at him, I saw that his head was leaning over a little and he was very still as he watched the orchestra.  Finally he perked up and said, “Now that’s SLEEPY music!” 

Well, yes, I guess you could say that.  Compared to “Man!  I Feel Like a Woman!”  it would appear to be “sleepy music.” 

Probably a lot safer in the men’s bathroom, too.  I should probably dig out my “sleepy music” Cd’s again.