Tough Trust

Yesterday as I ate my lunch, I saw a picture on my computer that started my mind turning toward some issues that make me sad.  As I wrote in my last blog (Listening Carefully), I know better than to let my thoughts stay on certain matters that will pull me down.  I am consciously practicing, more and more, immediately turning my heart to God and affirming to Him…and to me…that I trust Him totally.

As I sat at my table, thinking on these things and praying, these words came to me.  I shared them right away on Facebook.

It was around 1:30, and soon I was to go pick Aaron up at his day group.  He had a seizure early that morning, around 4:30, but felt fine and so was able to go on and spend the day with his friends. 

When we got home, as we talked about many things…because with Aaron there are always many things that he wants to talk about…I mentioned to him that I saw his empty deodorant in his bathroom trash can. 

“Yes!” he said, “I put some on this one but not on this one!”

I turned to see him holding up one arm at a time as he showed me which arm pit had gotten deodorant and which one had not.  😊

I left him in his bathroom to remedy the arm pit situation.  I had just sat at my desk in my bedroom nearby when I heard the awful crash and the sounds of a big seizure. 

I yelled for Gary and ran in the bathroom to see Aaron laying in the tub.  He had fallen backward into the tub, taking with him the shower curtain and rod.  He was entangled in all that, plus in his shirt that he had been removing.  The first thing to do was to hold his head to keep him from continually banging it on the hard tub as he seized.  Gary had run upstairs, grabbing one of Aaron’s small pillows to put under Aaron’s head. 

These sudden and very dangerous seizures are just awful on many levels.  It’s a terrible feeling to hear that crash and then the seizure sounds…to run to him not knowing what you will find…to wonder how hard he hit his head or if there are other injuries.

We had untangled him from the shower curtain and from his twisted shirt that was all around both his arms and hands.  Gary put a sweater over him and then we just had to let him lay there in the tub until he was awake enough to be moved to his bed. 

I went back to my desk, still shaken, and cried.  I cried out of fear, yes, but mostly I cried because it makes me so incredibly sad to see my son go through all these physical hurts. 

But as I sat there, God softly spoke into my hurting heart…and He reminded me of those words that He had given me two hours earlier.  God gave me words I needed before I knew just how much I would soon need them.

Yes, my heart is so tender when I think of Aaron and all the years of his physical suffering.  But God really does take that mama hurt I feel and uses it to show me how to toughly trust in Him.

I have to be tough for Aaron, and really, I can only do that because of my trust in God.  Sometimes that sort of trust doesn’t come naturally.  It would be more natural for me to be mad at God for letting this happen to Aaron, over and over and over. 

But I know my heavenly Father, and I know that He has reasons far beyond what I will ever know on this earth for why He lets Aaron suffer. 

It’s a tough place for me to be and it calls for a tough trust.  If my life was only smooth and simple, no tough trust would be needed.  But then I would not know God as deeply.  I would not experience His peace and comfort.  My faith would stay simple and small. 

A verse also came to my mind as I sat there thinking of all these matters.  I want to leave that verse with you…that simple but profound word from God. 

There it is again…trust.  Even when it’s tough.

ESPECIALLY when it’s tough.

Author: Patty hesaidwhatks

I'm Patty and I write about our adult son who has Epilepsy and Autism, who still lives with my husband and me, and who is a package full of many surprises and joys and challenges and TALK! Lots of talking, which creates laughter and some other reactions as well. I also write about how God shows Himself to me in everyday life.

34 thoughts on “Tough Trust”

  3. As a Mom, I was crying for all of this. I’m with you and I don’t get it, but I love how God whispers to us before things even happen to prepare us to trust Him even in the tough things. Doesn’t mean we can’t cry; I think God wants us to cry and cry out to Him holding on to the lifeline that is His hand. Praying for you, Gary, and Aaron. Father God, let them all feel Your presence and the blanket (or sweater) of Your perfect comfort. Bless Gary and Patty for their quick reactions to keep Aaron, one of Yours, safe by placing a pillow under his head. Give this entire family a night of peaceful rest as they surrender everything to You, LORD. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

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  5. You know this mama’s heart hurts for yours, sweet friend. I’m working and praying hard to keep my focus on our loving Father abs leaning heavy on the Holy Spirit for peace and comfort in tough times. Your amazing words underscore that need……. Wish I could hug you! I am praying!!!!!

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    1. Oh Donna, you have and are experiencing tough trust to a huge degree. I’m so thankful that you have not faltered in your trust because you know the One Whom you are trusting. Thank you for your prayers. I love you. ❤️

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  6. Patty this is so touching and brought tears to my eyes. Our daughter Marin struggled so much with learning disabilities on many levels. It was often heartbreaking watching her try to learn and move forward and for her to realize she often couldn’t function as well as her peers. I cried to myself often and feared that she would not be able to succeed in the adult world. I prayed often also. Blessedly now at 22 yo she has been successful in her great job a Chick Filet (a Godly company). They surround her with love, encouragement and support and have taught her many skills. I didn’t see it then but this was God’s plan.

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  8. Caregiving is a marathon, isn’t it, my dear friend. We probably will never know the extent of the “whys”, but we can be assured that the God who created us will also sustain us through it all. That reminds me of the Andre Crouch song, “Through it all, I’ve learned to trust in Jesus, I’ve learned to trust in God. Through it all, I’ve learned to depend upon His Word!” And those Scriptures we have memorized come to mind to encourage and sustain us every day. How about this one – Deut. 33:27 “The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms;”
    I am praying for you, dear friend.

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    1. Thank you, Cheryl. Your words are very true. God does and will continue to sustain. His purposes are always good. I love that verse in Deuteronomy. An old friend always says that no matter how low we go, God’s arms are always under us. We are never lower than God’s arms. Blessings, my friend.

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  9. I love this verse that God gave you. It doesn’t just say , “Don’t be afraid.” Though Jesus says that elsewhere. It says “When I am afraid” and for many of us that is often. God’s own tender heart is touched by our fragile moments and He gives His greatest grace to us in our toughest times. God bless and keep you and Gary as well as Aaron. You are all very special members of His family.

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  11. I love that verse from Psalm 56:3, it’s one I made sure to memorize early in my faith and I’m so thankful I’m reminded of it when things feel uncomfortable or undesirable.

    I can truly say I understand your words to the fullest, Jeffrey has had more bumps, bruises, and stitches over the past few years than I can keep track of due to seizures. It breaks my heart and sadly I literally have to remind my kids that they need to make every moment count with him because we have no idea God’s plans but we have to ‘trust’ no matter what happens. We feel so blessed for the time we spend with Uncle Jeff!
    Not everyone has a Jeffrey or Aaron in their family..it’s beautiful and unique fun with these fellas BUT each day uncannily needs placed loosely into the palm of God’s mighty hands with trust at heart—and sometimes that’s a hard reality to settle with. May we all build our trust in Him!!❤️

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    1. So well said, Alicia, sadly so. There are so many levels of trust that I must exercise in our life with Aaron. The bottom line is that I know God loves Aaron, and God loves me and Gary. I can, and should, trust Him to be doing the best things for Aaron and for us, tough as those things sometimes are on many levels. I’m so sorry that Jeffrey struggles so, and you all do, too. May all of you, every day, be filled with perfect peace.

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  12. Wow! You really hit the nail on the head! If I never had any troubles, I wouldn’t understand God’s love. The hardest times have also been the ones where I learned the most and sensed God’s love the most. Sometimes a person has to live their whole life with a hurtful circumstance or painful fact of life. This is the hardest kind of trouble because you know it will never be “fixed”. Things will never change. The sorrow will always be there. For me, it was when my husband left me for another woman. There was never anyone else for me. I just wanted my family to be whole. But, I finally accepted the fact that this would never change. It’s ok that I live with this disappointment. God has taught me to accept this life of loneliness, one I never imagined. He has shown me His faithfulness and love over and over. We serve a mighty God. Love you, Patty. I will pray for you and Aaron. And remember, God works everything together for good to those who love him. (Romans 8:28) I know this is true.

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    1. Oh Cindy, your voice of experience speaks deeply. I’m so sorry for such deep hurt you’ve had and still carry. No wonder you also have a deep walk with the Lord that shines in your blog. Bless you, my sister. I love you and I thank the Lord for your prayers, and for God letting us meet.

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  13. I’m another who found tears welling in my eyes as I read about your latest emergency with Aaron, and put myself in your place–dealing with the uncertainty, the constant concern, the helplessness, the unending work. Yet your love remains fierce, and his suffering is your suffering. Praise God for his loving care that sustains you, and his nudge in your spirit for you to write this blog. Now we all get to benefit from the sharing of your faith-filled, compassionate heart.

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    1. Thank you, Nancy! I love your words. I love how each of us here encourage each other in the unique ways God ordains for us, through good times and hard times. You do that for me and I value you very much. Blessings, my friend.

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